The "Golden Rule" That Helped Me Lose 125 Pounds

When losing weight, everybody asks how you're doing it. It's inevitable. And everybody wants to hear the special secret to it. Eating nothing but lettuce? Eating pounds of bacon and zero carbs? Eating only red fruits, green veggies, and white meat? Consuming nothing but coffee and smoking cigarettes? Dancing around a fire in the woods at midnight every day of the week?

I could always see that the spark of interest in their eyes while they asked the question was immediately extinguished when I said that I was just eating less food. (And eventually, exercising--I started exercising after I'd lost 60 pounds.)

I used to be just like them. I read every single success story, every single weight loss book and magazine, watched weight loss shows like The Biggest Loser... constantly looking for the special secret that I could do.

I tried all the diets, and I never stuck with them long enough to see results.

On August 19, 2009, I had an epiphany. It was the first day of yet another attempt to lose weight. I made an important decision after that first day of my (eventual) 125-pound weight loss. It's kind of funny how it came about...

There are very few foods that I dislike. I am willing to try eating anything at all, several times over. One food that I've tried umpteenth times is yogurt--I hate yogurt! I've tried all the flavors, all the types, and there is just something about it that I cannot stand.

I also don't love salad. I don't "hate" it like I do yogurt--sometimes I'll go through phases where I really like it and eat it for a few weeks--but I am definitely not a salad person. You will never see me go to a restaurant and order a salad.

Well, never say never...

(I must have been in a phase! But if I DO order a salad, it'll always be a caesar)

So, you know what I did my very first day of losing weight on August 19, 2009?

I ate both of those foods! I gagged down yogurt, because hey, it's "healthy" and that's what you're "supposed to eat". For lunch or dinner, I can't remember which, I ate salad. I'm sure that I wasn't in a salad mood and I probably gagged that down as well. WHY?

That night, when I was thinking about how much I hated trying to lose weight, and how badly I wanted to quit, it occurred to me that I hated it so much because I ate foods I didn't enjoy and I didn't eat the foods that I do enjoy. It seems completely backwards. Of course losing weight was miserable!

I decided that day that I wasn't going to do it anymore. I wasn't going to eat foods I hated just to lose weight. If I lost the weight by eating yogurt and salad, I would likely have to do that forever to maintain the weight loss. And that sounded miserable to me.

Another instance from that summer was when my friend asked me if I wanted to audition for The Biggest Loser with her. Even though I was fatter than I'd ever been, I said no. I was desperate to lose weight, but I was NOT willing to exercise for eight hours a day and eat next to nothing in order to drop 5+ pounds a week.

I told her that if you lose the weight that way, the only way to maintain it is to continue to do that. Your body will get so used to it that you'll have to continue. And of course I would burn out. I knew for sure that even if I auditioned, and was chosen, and hell, even if I WON the show, I would never be able to maintain that lifestyle. And I didn't want to live in misery for months on end while losing the weight.

Between those two instances, it finally hit me that I had been doing it all wrong for all of those years. Every time I attempted to lose the weight, I made changes that I hated. I tried doing tough workout videos, I tried eating yogurt and salad, I tried cutting out carbs, I even did a 10-day "master cleanse" where I consumed nothing but water with lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. I could lose the weight in any of those ways if I stuck to them (I lost 16 pounds from the master cleanse, but a month later, I was right back to where I was before), but I certainly couldn't do those things forever.

I guess technically, I *could* do them forever... so that is why I chose to word my newfound "golden rule" the way I did:

Don't make changes you're not willing to do for the rest of your life.

This is something I've talked about and written about from the beginning of my weight loss, and it's probably been the biggest key to my weight loss and (semi) maintenance. Whenever people ask for my weight loss advice, the first thing I say is "Don't make any changes you're not willing to do for the rest of your life."

That sentence says so much and so little at the same time. I don't think I've ever written a post that really explains how and why that became my golden rule and how it helped me to stay determined to lose the weight, so that's why I chose to write about this.

I could certainly use a reminder myself right now! ;)

From that day forward, it was my golden rule. It's tempting sometimes to try all the new fad diets that everybody seems to be doing, but I just don't want to live like that. I want to enjoy my life!

(This is a reason I never wanted to get weight loss surgery, either. Eating tiny portions of food and getting sick every time I ate something I wasn't supposed to--for the rest of my life--was just not something I was willing to do.)

My golden rule made the process of losing weight more enjoyable. I don't want to say it was "easy" (nothing about losing weight is easy), but it made the process easier, enough to make me stick to it for the long term.

I was willing to eat smaller portions. I was willing to eat healthier things during the day if I could still have something for a "treat" at night--dessert or wine or something like that. I was willing to eat out less and cook more.

I was NOT willing to give up carbs. I was not willing to give up any foods that I enjoyed. I was not willing to force myself to exercise (at the time; I later wanted to do it). I was not willing to eat differently than my family (i.e. "special" foods for me while they ate "regular" foods).

And what a shocker--it actually worked!

I didn't have to do or eat anything I didn't want to, and I didn't have to give up things that I love. I only made changes that I was willing to do for the rest of my life, if need be.

It's such a hard thing to do when there is advice everywhere online--what to eat and what not to eat, what's the "best" diet for weight loss, what's the "healthiest" way to eat, etc. I try not to let that get in my head. The only thing I've ever been able to stick with long term (10 years now) is doing what is feels best for ME.

And I like ice cream. A LOT.

The things that I'm willing or not willing to do may change here and there, but that doesn't matter. As long as I stay true to my golden rule, I can enjoy my lifestyle.

It's so hard to believe it's been over 10 years since I had that epiphany. But I know that if I hadn't, I would have failed at that attempt at losing weight just as surely as I had all the other times. I found a better way. And it worked.

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Current Moods, Habits, and Just Life in General

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there!

I am alive and well. I know I've been posting so sporadically--and rarely--that it may seem like something is wrong. But it's just the opposite! I've been living life and feeling content lately. I think "content" is a key word. I haven't been hypomanic or depressed, and my anxiety is pretty low. It's so nice!

As I've written about lately, I've been really working on being peaceful and happy with who I am right at this moment and not who I "dream" of being. My weight is hovering at 160-165, and has been for a while now. I haven't been counting calories or even actively trying to eat "intuitively". I've just been trying not to think about it at all, and I like having some space cleared inside my head to think of other, more important, things.

My main form of exercise has been walking, which I'm actually really enjoying. Joey loves the extra walks, too ;) I'm not following a plan, but I would like to start following the walking plan that I wrote recently. Not for a very particular reason, but I do like to follow some sort of plan because I always feel best when I have a schedule (for nearly everything, really). I like to see what's happening each day beforehand.

Anyways, I (obviously) haven't been spending much time online at all, and I have enjoyed the break from social media, blogging, even surfing the web (is that phrase even used anymore?). Instead, I've been reading on my new Kindle Paperwhite, and I love it! I've missed getting into books. Also, all of the DIY projects.

I would like to start writing more regularly, and now that I'm nearly done with all the DIY projects in my house, I'll have more free time to do so. I just recently did my bedroom closet, although it was nothing exciting.

I did the usual removing texture from the ceiling, taping and mudding the seams, painting. Then I removed all of the wire shelves and built wood shelves, much like I did in the pantry. I made the shelves deeper and the height between shelves closer together so that I could fit an extra shelf, and it's given me so much more room!

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Today was a fantastic Mother's Day. I had no idea that the kids were going to give me gifts! They told Jerry that they wanted to get me something, and they picked out the gifts themselves. Eli got me a bird feeder. There is a very bold squirrel in the backyard that comes right up to my door for nuts every day. He's so cute! I named him Tuck, and the cats alert me when he shows up. I hand him almonds, walnuts, or peanuts on the back deck.

Anyway, there is a blue jay that has been stealing the nuts that I leave out for the squirrel. (Noah took this amazing picture of it recently.) But the blue jay takes the nuts immediately after I set them out, and I can see him watching me from the tree in the backyard, ready to swoop down. So, that is why Eli chose a bird feeder. We are going to hang it in the backyard and hope that the blue jay leaves the nuts alone.

Noah got me a new protective case for my computer. My old one was broken and has been for a long time. I just never got around to buying a new one, even though it had been on my Amazon Wish List ever since the other one broke. He also got me some Burt's Bees lip balm, because I go through it like crazy--I keep some in my car, my purse, my nightstand, the living room, all over.

And then Jerry even got me a gift--a case for my Kindle. He saw that when I take it places, I would put it in a Ziplock bag and then place that inside of a cloth zippered pouch (definitely not an ideal way to take my Kindle with me). I LOVE the case he picked out!

It's so crazy that today is the 14th Mother's Day that I've been a mom. My kids have gotten so big! They're bigger than I am now.

This picture was on Easter morning. It was so funny--the kids said they had been talking to each other for weeks, wondering whether or not they would get Easter baskets this year. They thought maybe they were too old or something, but they didn't want sound spoiled by asking me if they would get one. So they were very excited on Easter morning when they got their baskets ;)

Noah is in driver's training right now and will start training on the road next weekend. I cannot believe that my child is old enough to drive! And Eli is literally the sweetest kid I've ever known. He's an old soul and I can't even describe how big his heart is.

I'm a lucky mom :)

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Relating to the People on My 600-lb Life (and why I think I may have been successful in dropping the weight)

Jerry and I recently became totally addicted to the show on Netflix called Ozark. Yesterday, Jerry was off work and we binge watched several episodes of season one. I'm super bummed that there are only two season so far! It's a great show--it reminds me a bit of Breaking Bad, only it focuses more on the money laundering than it does the drugs. And unfortunately, there is no Jesse Pinkman ;)

I've also been watching episodes of My 600-lb Life here and there (I swear I do things other than watch TV, haha!) and it's scary how much I can relate to the people on there. It makes me wonder why I was able to lose the weight even though I have the same food issues they do.

A lot of them had abusive childhoods--sexual, physical, and/or emotional--and in general, it sounds like that contributed to their overeating. Thankfully, I never experienced that abuse, but I do relate to so much of what they say about food. And a lot of their habits are familiar to me--either now or when I was obese.

One thing that I've noticed is that they have so many excuses, though. I promised myself from the very beginning that I wouldn't make excuses for my weight. I know that I became obese because I was choosing to overeat. The cravings and the temptation were SO uncomfortable and the only way to shut it up was to binge eat.

So why did I finally get it together and lose the weight? I honestly don't know why I could and those people can't. Or aren't willing to try hard enough.

Jerry and I were talking about it yesterday, and I think that a big part of my success is that social media wasn't really a big thing back then (in 2009). It was before people started getting very critical on social media outlets like Facebook. I honestly don't think I'd be able to do it if I had started today instead of back in 2009.

Everybody has an opinion of what we should eat, what we shouldn't eat, what diets are healthy, the best exercises for weight loss, how many calories are too much, how many calories are too little, and a trillion other things. I've been criticized for ALL OF IT:

I ate too many grapes which are just loaded with sugar (clearly, that wasn't a smart alternative from the WHOLE BOX of Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls I used to eat). Jerry, the kids, and I went out for frozen yogurt for a special dinner on Father's Day a few years ago and that clearly made me a horrible role model for my kids. I eat way too many calories. I eat way too few calories. I exercise too much. I don't exercise enough. My goal weight is too low. My goal weight is too high.

I've heard it all. And thank God I stopped getting upset by it and started just doing my own thing. Even if "my own thing" means gaining weight every year only to lose it again, it has worked so far (nine years and counting).

And today, I finally feel like I'm at the point where I just don't think that weight is that damn important. Yes, I want to get to a weight that makes me feel better, but I don't hate what I look like and I have more important things on my mind right now (my mental health, mainly).

Anyway back to the point... Before social media, people did things without reserve. They weren't worried about what others thought, because they never saw what others thought! It wasn't posted on blogs or Facebook or other social media. The harsh comments I've received over the years used to be very hurtful, and I highly doubt I would have continued losing weight if I had to deal with the anxiety of that.

So, I am grateful that I was able to do the majority of my journey before all of that.

Also, I keep in mind that nobody knows what is going through my mind. My mental illness makes me think differently than the average person. Having bipolar, I know what works for my skewed brain. And even though I am not at my goal weight right now, I've kept off 90-ish pounds for over 8 years. I'd say that's pretty damn successful.

In other news, I've been having some physical symptoms due to my anxiety/depression lately. I feel back to where I was a couple of years ago when I was going to physical therapy for my shoulder. I get very tight knots in my shoulder and neck. It's extremely painful, but Jerry helps work them out a bit. I have no idea if it's helping, but I like to think it is.

The mental stuff has had a big impact on my physical health. Other than the knots, my whole body aches. My heart has been racing and I constantly feel like a have a noose around my neck, strangling me. It's hard to swallow. I get dizzy a lot (something else that happens from anxiety). Now that I've discovered that the caffeine was a big culprit for anxiety, I am hoping that the physical symptoms will start to improve.

Anyway, this was a huge tangent on what my bringing up My 600-lb Life was for. During the trillion ads that TLC shows on their app, I noticed one for alcohol-free Heineken. Heineken was my very favorite beer! Since I quit drinking, I haven't tried non-alcoholic beers because they are hard to find around here and I just don't really care that much about beer.

When I saw the commercial, though, I got very excited. I told Jerry that we have to find it! And interestingly, the party store (convenience store) that we walk to in our neighborhood happens to carry it. I was shocked! But one of the employees that works there doesn't drink alcohol, and he loves it, so he continues to stock it.

Anyway, Jerry picked some up as a surprise, and I saved it for a special treat last night. I was really hoping it would taste like Heineken...

And it does!

If you gave me the 0.0% Heineken in a regular Heineken bottle, I would not know the difference. Honestly. I was thrilled to find a go-to drink that I can "BYOB" when we go to friends' houses and still feel like I fit in a bit. Honestly, people probably wouldn't even notice that it's alcohol-free because the bottle looks similar to the regular Heineken beer bottle.

So, I decided to have one each evening as a special treat. And the non-alcoholic Heineken only has 69 calories! I've been craving vegetables lately, which is odd, but I'm going with it; so, I will have some veggies and hummus for a snack at night with my NA beer. I went grocery shopping today and bought several healthy foods--stuff for fruit salad, and veggies to have with hummus.

Tonight, I made a Southwest Chicken Salad, and it was delicious! I can't remember the last time I ate salad. I go through phases--sometimes I hate salad (most of the time, actually), but sometimes I crave it. Lately, it has sounded really good!

I also started working on writing a walking program today. I know that I am a running coach, but I think that this walking plan I'm working on can be very helpful for getting in good shape as well as weight loss. It's similar to my 10K training (which helped me get to my lowest weight) but I adapted it for walking on the treadmill. (It could be done outside as well, but I'm focusing on the treadmill to use the incline).

I will experiment with it on myself and if it goes how I hope, then I'll get it all ready to post here. I figured that since I'm not able to stick to a running plan right now, what is wrong with walking? Nothing! Walking is a great way to exercise, especially if throwing in some tougher walking workouts. I used to feel like switching from running to walking would be taking a big step back and I wouldn't feel good about that. Now, I think that a walking program is very respectable. And it would be a nice change of pace.

Since I always do better with a schedule, just saying that I'll walk 30 minutes a day won't work well. I need a schedule to follow. The plan I'm writing is 12 weeks, and it'd be fun to work on, especially as the weather warms up. I'll still do most of my walks on the treadmill, probably, but I'll likely do my long walks and easy walks outside. I'll keep you posted on the progress!

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Intermittent Fasting Trial, Day 16: Week 2 Results

Yesterday was the start of my third week of intermittent fasting. The first week of doing it, I actually gained 0.4 pounds. I really like doing it, though, so I decided to try some adjustments until I find what works for me (and something I can maintain--I am not going to make changes that I am not willing to do for the rest of my life).

First, I switched to black coffee in the mornings. I had been adding a tablespoon of heavy cream (50 calories) to my coffee during the first week. I also tried to shorten my eating window. I say "tried" because I wasn't very successful at it.

The problem is that I break my fasting at 3-4 pm with a good-sized dinner. That is where the majority of my calories come from. Because that's a large meal, I'm not hungry again until 5-6 hours later. So then I'd eat a snack at around 9-10 pm.

I enjoy breaking the fast with my dinner, because my dinner is usually pretty healthy food, and I'd like to spend most of my calories on that. I'm afraid if I just have a snack at 3-4 pm, and eat dinner a couple of hours later, I might just snack like crazy for a few hours and then I won't even really want my dinner. Basically, I want to have a good appetite for my main meal of the day.

Anyway, that is why I haven't been doing so great with a shorter eating window. And as for the results of week two, I am down 0.4 pounds... back to my starting weight, hahaha. I still really enjoy this way of eating, so I'm going to make some more adjustments and see if it helps this week:

1) Have a strict start/stop time for an eating window, instead of eating at "3-ish" or "4-ish", and then again just before bed (6-8 hours). So, this week, I'm going to do an eating window of 4:00 pm to 8:00 pm.

2) Add in exercise. I had a great run a couple of weeks ago, and I was excited to go out again... but it's been SO COLD that I just haven't brought myself to do it. Over the past few years, I have really become sensitive to the cold--I used to love running in 30-degree weather!

However, I have a perfectly good treadmill in my living room that I haven't touched since I was training for the half-marathon in April. This morning, I queued up some TV shows to stream, and decided that I will run on the treadmill for one show per day (M-F). A very simple plan!

Also, I figured that since I'm going to be on the treadmill a lot, it would be a great time to work on heart rate training again. When I'm outside, it's hard to run slowly enough to keep my heart rate down--my mind wanders and then I realize I picked up the pace and my heart rate is too high. On the treadmill, I can just set the speed and then run until my heart rate hits the top of my target (ideally, I will keep it below 144 bpm). Then I drop the speed down a notch, and repeat.

Today, I dusted off the treadmill and tried it out. It felt really good! I forgot how "easy" running feels when I keep my heart rate low. I say easy, but I mean that in relative terms. It feels much better than when I push the pace, and that makes the run more enjoyable. I remember loving my heart rate runs in 2016!

I started watching a show on Hulu, and then it kept buffering or something--it was annoying! I actually stopped running twice to try to fix it, but then I gave up and picked a show on Amazon Prime to watch. It was only 23 minutes, so added to the time from the first show, I ran for 38:41 total--and it ended up being a perfect 5K distance.

I don't think that the treadmill is calibrated correctly, and the numbers on my Garmin didn't make much sense, either. I didn't use the foot pod, so that could be why. As I slowed the treadmill down throughout the run, my pace on the Garmin got faster. So, I'm not going to pay attention to that--right now, I'll just focus on my heart rate and time spent running. I'll dig out the foot pod, though, and hopefully it'll be more accurate.

So, with those couple of changes, I hope to see some good results next week!

(Speaking of our cold weather, my brother posted this on Facebook last night, and I was dying. Luke is SO cute!!)

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An Intermittent Fasting Experiment

(I explain later why I chose such an unflattering photo for the title of this post, haha)

Unless you've been hiding under a rock for the last year or so, you have probably heard the words "intermittent fasting" thrown around a LOT.

In a nutshell, intermittent fasting is cycling between periods of eating and periods of fasting--usually fasting for a minimum of 12 hours, up to about 20 hours, per day. You have a "window" of time where you eat each day, and then spend the rest of the time fasting. This is done daily. (There are other methods that involve fasting on certain days, but when I refer to it here, I'm talking about the time window on a daily basis.

I've always made it clear that I'm not a fan of hopping on the next bandwagon of fad diets. I did that for 20 years, and it got me nowhere. It wasn't until I made the decision to only make changes that I was willing to live with forever that I finally lost the weight and kept (most) of it off.

Each new fad diet contradicts that last, and it's a never ending cycle. In my opinion, the ideal diet boils down to 1) variety, and 2) moderation. Basically, just eating a diverse variety of foods and keeping portions controlled to what our bodies are comfortable with.

Interestingly, I also think that intermittent fasting is a good idea--and I don't consider it a fad diet. (Right now, it's definitely trending, but fasting has been around since the beginning of time and it's not a new concept.) I feel like intermittent fasting is a logical concept--until the last several decades, food wasn't readily available at all times of the day and night, and eating snacks between meals wasn't really a "thing".

And WAY back in the day, when people had to hunt and gather food, they probably weren't snacking all day long. So, when I think of it that way, it makes a lot of sense to me. I don't think our bodies were meant to constantly digest food.

(All of this is my opinion, of course. I am not suggesting in any way that it is the ideal way of eating. As I've always said, we all need to do whatever works best for us as individuals. So, please don't feel the need to defend snacking. I'm not trying to recruit anyone, haha. That's why I'm calling what I'm about to write an "experiment".)

So, because I believe that intermittent fasting can be a good thing, I'd like to give it a try. Of course I'd like to drop these extra pounds I've picked up, but I also want to see if it makes me feel better in general. I get bad stomachaches sometimes after eating, and I also get very bloated when I overeat. I'd be interested to see if eating less frequently helps that.

(In the photos below, I was in Portland with Jerry, and I was MISERABLE. My abdomen felt so bloated that I thought it would burst open like a popped balloon. I was so sure that I looked six months pregnant by the way my stomach felt, so I had Jerry take these pictures. I was shocked to see that I looked normal--thin, even!--because I felt enormous.)

I also like the idea of the simplicity of it; the thought of not having to worry about what to eat for breakfast or lunch is so appealing. I've always done best with keeping my diet simple!

Anyway, the whole point of this is that I'm going to try out intermittent fasting for 30 days and see how I feel/what kind of results I notice (good or bad). I'm going to write in a journal to keep track of symptoms that I hope to improve (bloating, stomachaches, energy level, sleep, mood, and some others).

On my 40 Goals Before 40 Years Old list, I listed a goal of committing to a 30-day challenge. I've been thinking and thinking about what I want that challenge to be (and I've attempted a couple, but didn't make it). I finally decided that I'm going to challenge myself to try intermittent fasting for 30 days to knock this goal off my list as well as see if it works well for me.

Like I said, I am not pushing for or against intermittent fasting, nor am I trying to change anyone's opinion of it. I just think that because the concept makes sense to ME, it would be fun to try it as an experiment!

I know I could start this now, but I like the idea of starting on the first of the month, and since it's almost November, I'll start on Thursday, November 1. I'll mark down my starting weight, measurements, and body fat, then note anything else that may be helpful (hunger levels, sleep, energy, etc.)

As far as the length of my eating "window", a common time frame that people do is 16/8 (16 hours of fasting and 8 hours of eating). That would be like starting the fast at around 8 PM and then eating at noon the next day. That seems like a large window to me, and I know I could eat a lot of food in eight hours, hahaha.

I'd like to aim for six hours to start, and see if that feels doable. Four hours would be even better. So the fast would be roughly 8:00 PM to 2:00 PM the next day. I'm not going to keep a rigid start/stop time, but I will aim for 2:00-4:00PM until 8:00-10:00 PM as an eating window.

By the way, LOTS of readers have suggested that I read The Obesity Code: Unlocking the Secrets of Weight Loss, by Dr. Jason Fung. I think this book played a large part in the huge interest in intermittent fasting recently. I do have the book (I actually bought it a long time ago!) but I have only read the first couple of chapters. Since I'm going to be doing this experiment, I'll do my best to finish it as soon as I can.


I'm really looking forward to trying this, even if it winds up being a big flop. It's always exciting to focus on something new. And this is a good time to try it, because I've been staying super busy working on the kitchen (I finished painting half of the cabinet doors--it's taking forever because it's been so cold that the paint won't dry! I'm painting them in the garage, which doesn't have heat.)

If any of you have tried intermittent fasting and want to share your experience (good or bad), please do! I'd like to know how other people do with it.

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The Heaviest I've Been in 8 Years: A Reality Check on the Scale

This is probably going to be the most vulnerable post I've ever written.

My weight has obviously gone up and down through the last eight years of "maintenance". Since losing 125 pounds in 2009-2010, I've weighed everywhere from 121 pounds to 160 pounds. Each and every time I gain a significant amount of weight (10 pounds or so), I start to question whether it's the start of my gaining it all back.

When I lost the weight, I knew that the odds were against me; according to statistics, there was a 95% chance I would gain all of the weight back, plus more, within two years. And even though I've maintained a large weight loss for eight years now, I don't ever feel like I'm really "there" (in maintenance) yet.

And yet, every time I think I have finally figured it out and I feel confident enough to state it on my blog, I gain weight again. The times where I'm doing great and feeling great, it's easy to feel like it will last forever. Last year, for example, I was 99% sure that I'd finally gotten to the place I was looking for--I was healthy, I was eating in a sustainable way that made me feel good, and I was just doing what made me happy.

It almost seemed easy. I felt really good about my life in general, and it felt like I was going to maintain that feeling forever.

When the weight started creeping up, I was worried. I had a very hard time figuring out what to do about it. I wasn't binge eating; I was just overeating in general. Eating too frequently, off schedule, and too much.

My weight tends to jump up in spurts. I'll gain about 6-8 pounds within a week or so, and then maintain that for several weeks or even months sometimes; then I'll gain another 6-7 pounds. And that is what happened to me recently.

I remember being at around 144, and not too worried--I was "only" 11 pounds over my goal weight. Then one day, I was 152. Seeing the 150's again was very worrisome. I knew how long it would take to lose that weight (again) and I felt overwhelmed.

Recently, I stepped on the scale to see 158--dangerously close to my highest weight in 8 years. I felt like it just came out of nowhere. I still haven't been binge eating, and to see that number was a little mortifying.

Finally, yesterday, I got on the scale and saw the highest number I've seen in the 8 years since losing 125 pounds: 162.8. I am back in the 160's.

I wish I could say all sorts of inspiring things about how I'm going to lose this weight and how it's not going to stop me from trying; but honestly, I am very worried that the scale will continue to rise. I've tried counting calories again, something that has always worked in the past, but I just can't seem to stick with it very long (like a day or two).

In addition to my diet, I have NO willpower to run. I want to--I really, really want to--but I can't seem to get in that habit and make it a part of my life like I used to. Each time I run, it feels like it gets harder and harder (no doubt because of the weight gain). If it felt like it used to, where an easy run actually felt easy, I think I would be much more motivated to go out and do it. Feeling this out of shape has not just taken a toll on my body, but on my motivation as well.

I would like to come up with some sort of do-able plan to hopefully get back on track and lose this weight. It's scary to see 162. I feel like I'm too far gone and this is it. This is when I gain it all back. I try not to feel so negatively about it, but that's much harder than it sounds.

When I say that I want to make a plan, I don't mean a "challenge" (you know I love making challenges!). I need to focus on making simple changes that I can live with--just like I did in 2009. I can change more as I go along, but to start, I want to make small goals to at least get back in good habits.

My first priority is actually not my diet; it's running. I want to run regularly again so badly. I miss feeling like a runner, and pushing myself to do things I once thought were impossible. When I coach cross country, I want to be a good role model. Yes, I know how to coach--but I want to actually be a runner who coaches.

This photo is from one of my very favorite runs. I ran on Christmas day (hence the red and green) and it was a little snowy. I can still remember how crisp the air felt! I truly enjoyed it.

In 2010, when I decided to start running for fitness, I made a promise to myself: I was going to run three times per week for at least 30 minutes... no matter what. There are ZERO excuses to keep me from doing that much. I remember running early in the morning or late at night so that Jerry would be here with the kids; I asked my parents or my brother to watch them so I could run; my friend watched the kids so I could run, and then I watched hers so that she could run.

I did whatever it took. No excuses.

So, my first plan is to get back into running by going back to how it all started: running three times per week for 30+ minutes each time. No matter what.

As far as my diet goes, I want to try something new for a little while (maybe just a couple of weeks to see how it goes). Over the last nine years, I've learned that each time I gain a significant amount of weight back, I do something new to lose it.

In September 2012, I tried out Weight Watchers' new (at the time) program, starting at 156 pounds. I got down to my goal in December 2012.

I started calorie counting in August 2015 at 158 pounds. I got down to my goal weight of 133 in November 2015. I continued losing weight without really trying to, which I believe was from my heart rate training. I was 121 pounds in February 2016.

In 2017, I was diagnosed with bipolar and put on a mood stabilizing medication. I felt so much better, and I just focused on being happy. I naturally picked up a way of eating that felt good to me--a modified "intuitive eating" lifestyle. I made the decision to start fresh in February 2017, and my weight was just under 160. The changes in lifestyle kind of came naturally. I was back at my goal weight in June 2017.

I'm not proud of all of these ups and downs, but they are what they are. I've learned something from each one of them. I've recently tried going back to these things that worked in the past, and I just can't seem to stick with them. The one thing I've always said is that I will not make changes that I'm not willing to do for the rest of my life. And I'm going to stick with that.

I have always believed that reaching our healthiest weight can be achieved by simply eating less food. Small portions. Eating less frequently. I don't believe that our bodies need as much food as we are taught we should eat.

I've always done this via portion control--measuring or weighing out my food to ensure that I'm not overdoing it. When I was eating intuitively, I was eating the portions that just felt right; and I wasn't forcing myself to eat if I wasn't hungry.

I've gotten away from those habits for some reason. So, I'd like to just work on one small change right now. I want to eat only when I'm actually hungry. Lately, I've been eating when anxious, when stressed out, when celebrating something, and other reasons, whether I'm hungry or not. Focusing on just that small change will help me to feel more in control, and then later I can work on another habit.

Regardless, the running is my number one priority, and I am most determined to do that. I went for a run Wednesday morning just because I felt like it (my body is so sore and stiff from working on our house project, I actually thought a run would feel good!).

One thing I know for sure is that I want to do my best to get this weight off. I am not happy with how I look and I'm certainly not happy with how I feel. I feel sluggish, which is exactly how I felt at 253 pounds. And I can't stand the thought of becoming part of that statistic that says I will gain back all the weight.

It's embarrassing to see people in public because the gain is obvious. I haven't been posting pictures of me on my blog for the same reason. I cringe when I see photos of me. I even avoid looking in the mirror! My clothes don't fit, and now that this is jeans and sweatshirt weather, I'm super bummed that I can't wear what I have.

I know these are petty reasons to want to lose weight, but there are other more serious reasons, too. Running has always helped with my anxiety, and of course I want to be less anxious. Running has made me feel good about myself, whether I was 160 pounds or 121 pounds. Overeating causes me to feel tired all the time, which makes me unproductive; eating only when I'm hungry will make me more energetic.

Also, I've been having a lot of back, neck, and shoulder pain (just like last year when I was in physical therapy). I'm sure the extra weight isn't helping that. When I was running regularly and eating the correct portions, I don't remember feeling this much pain.

This whole post, in a nutshell:

• I am at the highest weight I've been in 8 years
• The extra weight is affecting my mood, health, and overall mindset
• I'm terrified that my weight will continue to climb and I'll gain everything back
• I want to run again--three times a week to start--and this is my top priority right now
• I'm going to work on eating only when I'm physically hungry
• I want to get my weight back down not just for vain reasons, but also for my health and overall wellness

This post is not meant to be a downer or a "poor me, I'm feeling sorry for myself". It's not meant to make excuses. I'm writing this post because it feels good to get it out in the open and not feel like I'm hiding something. I've always tried to be open and honest on my blog, even though I feel very vulnerable when I write personal things like this.

I hope that I'll have good things to report in the coming weeks. Seeing the 160's was a big reality check, and I finally feel like I'm ready to do this. I'm going to work on it the slow way (one small step at a time) and eventually, I hope to get back to my goal weight (once again).

Thanks for always being so kind to me. I don't express it enough, but I appreciate the encouraging words from your comments and emails more than you know.

XO

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Weight Gain Through Emotional Eating

I can't really pinpoint when my mood started going downhill, but I feel like a big mess right now. Remember that post in April I wrote, called "The Big Fat Mess That Is My Life Right Now"? I just re-read it, and everything that I wrote is still very true. I could basically slap today's date on it and call it a new post!

I have tried to get my life back on track by setting new goals and posting them here for accountability (by being public with goals, I hoped it would make me embarrassed not to accomplish them)--that didn't work (well, it IS embarrassing, so I guess that part worked--haha!). I have tried setting goals and keeping them to myself, hoping that having less pressure would be the trick--that didn't work.

I've tried easy goals, I've tried challenging goals, I've tried having no goals at all, I've tried taking everything one day at a time. I've tried everything I've ever done in the past that has worked for me, and nothing is working right now.

I found this four leaf clover a couple of days ago, and I thought it was funny because it looks very symbolic of my luck--four leaves, but one of them is chewed almost completely off, so does it really count? 😂Two steps forward, one step back.

In the past, I've always had pretty clear depressive episodes. I was either hypomanic or depressed, and neither of those was very mild. Since starting my bipolar meds, though, the mood stabilizer has definitely put those in the "mild" category. I still have episodes of each, but they are nothing like before.

Currently, I only have very mild depression, and I think even those symptoms would probably go away if I could just get my life back on track. By that, I just mean feeling in control and motivated to do the things I need to do. Get rid of some stress.

My biggest stressor is my weight (or what I imagine it to be, because I am actually too afraid to look at the scale). I can feel it in my clothes and see it when I look in the mirror--I'm SURE I've gained even more since the last time I weighed in. I feel like I've gained 30 pounds in the last two weeks, but I know that's probably an exaggeration. Realistically, I'm thinking maybe I've hit the high 150's. I know that I should just face the number, but without having a real plan to lose the weight, I think it'll just discourage me even more.

Speaking of, remember when I posted about my plan to get back to my goal weight? Yeah, I haven't been doing it. I didn't make my plan very difficult, but I (obviously) haven't made any progress. I'd planned to count calories again, because that always works well for me; but after not counting all last year, and doing SO well with intuitive eating, I keep telling myself that I'll just eat intuitively like I did last year.

Except it doesn't work that way. I wasn't sure why I'm having such a hard time with it now after it felt so natural before. The whole concept of intuitive eating had finally clicked for me, and I was so excited about it! And then when I started having symptoms of depression, I began to eat for comfort. Now, I'm just stuck wanting to lose the weight I've gained, and to do it like I did last year.

I've been thinking hard about it, and the biggest difference between now and then, as far as my diet goes, is that I was very happy last year and I didn't feel any urges to eat for comfort. When I was happy, I only thought about food when I was really hungry. There were times where I would completely forget to eat a meal because I was busy with something and I just wasn't thinking about food at all.

When my mood is down, eating becomes something that I actually look forward to--something that makes me feel better. Obviously, that affects my weight!

So, I don't think that the weight gain or loss comes from whether I'm counting calories or not; rather, it comes from my frame of mind and happiness level. If I can feel happy, I shouldn't have a problem with eating better (whether it's counting calories or intuitive eating or something else). My mood is what makes it easier (or harder) to stick with whatever plan I am following.

Last year, when my life felt like it was finally on the right track, going so smoothly, it was because I was 100% focused on doing what makes me happy. And because I felt chronically happy, I didn't feel the need to try to make myself happy with food.

I saw my psychiatrist a couple of days ago, and it ended up being a long appointment because of my mood being all over the place lately. There was a lot to go over. He ended up changing up my meds a little bit--decreasing the dosage of two, and adding a third. He told me to give it a few weeks and see if that helps; if not, we can try something else. So, I'm hopeful that I'll start seeing some (positive) changes. Mainly, I want some of my focus and motivation back.

The most difficult emotion for me is feeling overwhelmed. When I have a ton of stuff to do, and I fall behind on things, I get overwhelmed; and then, because that feels so uncomfortable, I try to put it out of my mind (i.e. procrastinate); procrastinating just makes me more overwhelmed. So, it's a constant cycle until I get caught up. And then with my weight going up and my not running regularly, it just escalates. I guess I just get this feeling of being "too far gone" to get back to that good place I was in before falling behind.

The solution, of course, is obvious. Don't take on too much. Don't procrastinate. Just do what I can. GET IT OVER WITH.

It sounds so simple in my mind. But when trying to practice that mindset, it's a big challenge for me.

As far as running goes, I just haven't been. I started doing my Cookies Summer Challenge, with plans to get in every single run on the list. It's not too late, so I am REALLY hoping I can make myself get back to it ASAP (I'm banking on the medication switch helping me). My last run was the Independence Run (on the 4th of July, wearing red, white, and blue).

Ha! I was trying to take a photo to prove I was wearing my red, white, and blue, but it was pretty difficult to get my socks in it, and they are the best part!

Right now, I'm going to try to just focus on one thing at a time. I managed to clear out my inbox over the last few days, which felt great to catch up on. I haven't figured out what to do with my eating habits, so I'm going to leave that alone for the moment. But right now, I'm committing to going for a run tomorrow. That's it! It might be on my treadmill, and it might only be one mile, but I'm going to state right now: I am going to run tomorrow.

Anyway, this whole post is basically to say that I am a mess right now and I'm trying to get myself back together and functioning normally ;) I hope to see some progress soon!

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Day 13: How I Jinxed My Weight Maintenance

Yesterday, I was tweaking some things here and there on my blog (mainly, I need to catch up on adding posts to my weight loss and running pages) and I came across the post I wrote on November 1, 2017 called "How I'm (Finally) Maintaining My Goal Weight".

I had gotten back down to my goal of 133 in the beginning of June, and had been maintaining it pretty effortlessly for months--without counting calories and without running! I was just doing what made me happy and what felt good for me at the time.

I love the above photo of me, which is interesting for a couple of reasons: 1) Despite not wearing make-up, not having done my hair, and wearing an unflattering baggy sweatshirt, I actually like the way I look; and 2) I felt genuinely very happy. This photo just reminds me of pure happiness.

It was taken in September 2017, and I was sitting around a bonfire with Jerry and the kids in the backyard. The air was warm but the breeze was cool enough for a sweatshirt. It smelled like freshly cut grass and bonfire. The fire was crackling and my family was laughing. I was watching some bats fly above our heads, eating bugs--I love to see bats at night. I can even remember just how sweet and juicy that plum tasted!

I felt so comfortable in my body and genuinely happy for the first time in what felt like forever. My new bipolar medication had lifted the depressive episode I'd been battling for 10 months, and the happiness I felt at that moment with my body, my weight, and my whole life in general was practically spilling out of me.

I felt like it was going to stay that way forever! And I hoped it would.

It's actually pretty funny, knowing what I know now, when I read this quote from that post I wrote in November:

"I've been reluctant to write about this, because you all know my history with weight loss/gain/maintenance. Remember that Oprah show where she walked onto stage pulling a wagon that held the amount of fat she'd lost? She was at her thinnest, and she did a big "reveal" that day at her goal weight. And then she gained it all back in the critical public eye.

It's been seven years since reaching my goal weight, and while I haven't gained back all (or even half) of the weight I lost, I still struggle with large weight fluctuations (nearly 30 pounds). So I guess I've been concerned that as soon as I write about what I've been doing to maintain my goal weight, all will be undone and you'll watch me gain it all back. Let's hope that's not the case!"

I had been so reluctant to write the post because I knew that as soon as I did, something would happen to totally discredit me. At the time, I had been maintaining my weight for about five months, and I felt pretty confident that I had finally gotten to a place where I was comfortable in maintenance (confident enough to publish the post, anyway).

Two months later, I was up 10 pounds! Did I jinx it?

Haha, I don't really believe in "jinxing" something... but it is quite the coincidence. I really do believe that my weight fluctuates based on my moods, though. When I am hypomanic, I lose weight pretty easily; and when I'm depressed, I gain weight just by looking at food. Since starting my bipolar meds, my moods aren't as "high" or "low" as they used to be, but they still fluctuate more than the average person.

I've been feeling mildly depressed for probably six months (?) now, and my weight has been holding for a while in the high 140's. In the past, when I was going through depression (which was much deeper than what I'm experiencing now on my meds), I would wind up close to 160 pounds. So, I find it interesting that deep depression = 160; mild depression = 150; stability = 135; and hypomania = 130 (or less). (These are rough numbers; it doesn't always match this exactly).

So, I feel like the key to maintaining my weight is to stabilize my mood--which is what my "mood stabilizer" is for. I really don't want to try a different medication, because this one has made a world of difference for me. And each time I've tried to increase the dose (per my psychiatrist), I've gotten acne--within a week or two! As soon as I lower the dose back down, the acne goes away. It's so frustrating!

I've never given it a long enough chance to see if the acne eventually goes away on its own, even at the higher dosage, so I'm thinking about doing that. I'll just have to deal with the acne for a couple of months and hope that once my body gets used to the higher dose of meds, it'll go away. It's vain, I know, but it's a hard decision--a stable mood with acne, or mood shifts and no acne?

I see my psychiatrist soon, so I'll ask him about it then. He had mentioned before that I could try a different medication, but I would hate to do that when this one has been working pretty well for me (with minimal side effects). It's certainly not perfect, but the odds of finding a medication that completely stabilizes my mood while not causing any side effects is pretty much nil.

Anyways, reading the post that I wrote about maintaining my goal weight was kind of eye opening for me, in a good way. I had forgotten about the good habits I'd gotten into. I really liked that I was able to eat anything that I wanted, and I never worried about eating too much because I was totally happy eating small portions. That mindset didn't happen right away; rather, it was a good habit that I'd developed over months of working on trusting my body.

I recently wrote a post called "My Plan to Get Back to My Goal Weight"--and it was just that. A plan. A very reasonable plan that had worked for me really well in the past. Right now, though, it's just not happening. I am just having such a hard time sticking to anything!

I've been trying. I'll follow a simple running plan for a couple of weeks, but then I just stop. I have tried getting back to counting calories, but I'd gotten so used to NOT counting last year that I am just fighting it. And right now, I'm trying to figure out what it is that I really want! (I'm really good at changing my mind a trillion times, as I'm sure you know if you've been reading my blog for any period of time, haha)

I think that, more than anything, I just want to feel in control. I don't like feeling on edge, worrying about whether I am going to keep gaining weight, and I don't like the constant "I'm going to get back on track" that goes on in my head. I want to just get it over with and feel in control again! ("Get It Over With!" remains one of my most popular posts to date, so if you haven't read it, you may want to check it out for a boost of motivation. I just now reread it, and it lit a little fire inside of me--I am going to do this! haha)

This post is getting long, so I think I'll wrap it up; but I may write more about this tomorrow. I'd like to think about what exactly it is that is derailing my efforts and come up with a way to counteract that. I'd really like to see some progress soon!

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My Plan to Get Back to My Goal Weight

... AGAIN.

Man, when I look over the last nine years of my weight graph, there are SO many ups and downs. It really does resemble a roller coaster. The first part is the biggest drop, followed by several smaller ones. Thankfully, I haven't even come close to gaining it all back.

After being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, the gains and losses made a lot of sense. Usually, I'll have one or two hypomanic episodes a year and one or two depressive episodes a year (mostly, it's one and one). My weight has become pretty predictable based on my moods what episode I'm in.

Right now, I feel like I'm in a "mixed state" of bipolar--that is when you have both symptoms of mania and symptoms of depression going on at the same time. It's extremely frustrating, and if it continues, I might have to change up my meds. I see my psychiatrist in May, so we'll talk about it then.

Anyway, I really want to get my weight back down to my "happy" weight range (which is about 130-135). My "magic number" is 133. This morning, my weight was at 147.4, so I'm 14.4 pounds over my goal.

Each time I think I've finally hit a peak and I'm going to stop gaining or start losing again, and stop feeling depressed, it just doesn't happen. So, I'm going to try to make it happen by using the same things I've done before that have helped.

Here is my basic plan:

Food/Diet

Count calories. Ugh, I have a love/hate relationship with counting anything. I am guaranteed to lose weight when I count, but it gets to be tedious. All last year, I didn't count a single calorie, and I did really well! I thought I'd be able to live that way forever. But once I started feeling depressed, it's like my body stopped helping me out by telling me when to eat and when not to.

I wrote a whole post about how I used calorie counting to get back to my goal weight, and that is basically what I'm going to do again. Instead of My Fitness Pal, I'm using the Fat Secret app. I like Fat Secret much better.

Like last time (2015), I'm not aiming for a particular calorie goal. I'm going to eat what I feel is a "reasonable" amount of the food that I want most and see what that works out to. Back then, over the course of 15 weeks, it averaged out to 1568 per day--some days I ate much more and some days I ate less. It just depended on what my body was telling me that day.

And like last time, I'm going to have a high-calorie day once a week (NOT a cheat day). I don't believe in "cheat days", because it makes it sound like you're doing something wrong. To me, a high-calorie day involves eating the same VOLUME of food, but choosing more calorically dense foods.

For example, I might order pizza for dinner, which is about 1,000 calories (as opposed to the usual 500 or so I'd eat normally). The volume of food I eat remains the same, but the calories are higher. On those days, I usually end up eating about 2,500 to 3,500 calories.

I feel my best and lose weight my best when I'm eating four times per day: breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a bedtime treat. People always ask, "Don't you get hungry between meals?" and the short answer is yes. I do get hungry, but I'm not starving. And I think hunger is good! I want to feel hungry when it's time to eat a meal, because the food tastes so much better.

Binge Eating

As far as binge eating, I'm not sure that I've had a true "binge" in a long time. A very long time. I've certainly overeaten to the point where I'm very full, but I don't think the binge definition applied to those situations.

However, I've been revisiting the old Brain Over Binge mentality anyway, to avoid overeating. Brain Over Binge now has a free podcast that explains the whole concept. The podcasts are short, and I listen to 2-3 episodes over a period of 30-minute runs (I listen to podcasts at 1.5x speed). Of course, the book goes into more depth, and I highly recommend it. There is now a recovery guide to go along with it, which I haven't checked out yet--but I will probably buy one to see what it's all about.

In a nutshell: I'm going to be counting calories again, much in the same way that I did in 2015-2016. For all the details, you can check out this post: How I Calorie Counted My Way Back to Goal Weight.

Exercise

Just like with my weight loss, my running (and exercise in general) has had plenty of ups and downs over the years. I have trained long and slow for marathons, I have trained hard and fast for a 10K PR, and I've done everything in-between. I've been injured and taken time off, I've been injured and stupidly NOT taken time off, I took almost a full year off of running just because I was burnt out on it. I've run for fun, and I've run to burn calories. Hell, I ran in a documentary!

I've even been known to run for cookies ;)

Currently, I'm at the point of running for fitness. Not to be in tip-top shape like I was after 10K training, but to stay healthy and mostly-fit as I approach my 40's(!).

For the last two weeks, I've been running for 30 minutes a day (Monday through Friday). That's IT. I don't even reach three miles in that amount of time! All but one of the runs has been on the treadmill, because when running for just 30 minutes, I honestly kind of like the treadmill. I put on a podcast (I'll share in another post what I've been listening to) and run at an easy 5.0-5.1 mph pace until I reach 30 minutes.

I am thoroughly enjoying this way of exercising right now. It all started with a conversation with my good childhood friend, Lance, when he came over a few weeks ago. He recently became a dad, and his schedule changed quite a bit.

When we were kids, his (affectionate) nickname was "Chubs" because he was, well, chubby. (Looking back, that was a terrible nickname--but because his friends were the ones saying it, and he laughed about it, we thought it was okay.)

As he got older, he slimmed out quite a bit--and he admitted it wasn't in a healthy way for a while. He wasn't diagnosed with an eating disorder, but from what he described, I believe he was anorexic. But now he is at a good weight for his height (still on the slim side, for sure, but in a healthy range). And yes, I got his permission to post about this.

While he was at his thinnest, I was at my heaviest-at-the-time in college:

So now, he eats healthy foods--not too much or too little, and he avoids sweets as much as possible by simply not buying them. I had the hardest time comprehending this--he has a huge sweet tooth just like me, and I never would have guessed that!

See? Two peas in a pod, eating frosting.

And as for exercise, he said that he goes to the gym before work (at 5:00 am!) to do 30 minutes of cardio--whatever he feels like doing that day. Maybe the treadmill, the elliptical, the bike, whatever. It's so very simple! I realized that as close as Lance and I were, we never really had a conversation about his story.

I love this picture from when we were two! We recreate it occasionally; the second photo was obviously from my wedding.

I was very inspired while listening to this (and asking him a trillion questions--"But HOW do you not buy sweets?!"). The simplicity of just eating without putting too much thought into everything and exercising 30 minutes Monday through Friday sounded really appealing to me. Jerry thought the same thing, so we started calling it "The Lance Diet", hahaha. He doesn't count calories, but I think I need to do it, at least for a while, until I re-learn what portions my body feels best with.


Accountability

To stay accountable, I'd like to get back to posting my Wednesday Weigh-ins again. It was really discouraging, because the scale was just going up and up and I stopped weighing myself much at all. I would also like to keep up with my bullet journal as a tracker, because I find it so fun to work on! It's definitely more of a hobby than a chore for me, so the bullet journal will help. I'll share some of my pages here, if that interests anyone.

Some of the goals in my habit tracker are to work toward my 40 Goals Before I Turn 40 Years Old list.

Alcohol

I'm still trying to avoid drinking as much as possible, but I'm not at the point of quitting completely. Logically, I KNOW that it's best to quit--alcohol basically counteracts my mood stabilizer, which can send me into hypomania or depression very easily. Basically, anything that alters one's mood can do that--including caffeine!

The alcohol has been a challenge, because it's such a social thing. I have no problem when I'm just at home doing my usual things, but going out with friends or having friends over here makes me want to be like them and enjoy a few drinks. On Saturday, for example, I'm having a couple of friends and their families over for Cinco de Mayo, and of course I want to make margaritas!

So, my plan is to work on cutting back more and more, until I drink only on very special/rare occasions or even get to the point where I can quit completely.

Mental Health

Because my mental health plays a large role in my weight loss/gain/loss/gain, I am going to continue my journey toward being my happiest self. I want to do the things that make my happy, make the decisions that are best for ME (and my family), and not worry about what others think or have to say about it.

Ever since I had that breakthrough in therapy about a year ago, I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted from me. I don't have to try to be someone I'm not, pretend to enjoy things that I don't, do things I don't want to do, etc., just to please other people. I am comfortable speaking my mind, even if it causes conflict.

This has greatly reduced my anxiety, which has reduced/eliminated my binge eating.

Blogging

Finally, I want to blog more. I always feel good when I write, but lately, I just haven't felt like I've had much to write about. I included a suggestions form on my blog, which can be found here, so if there is something you want me to write about or a burning question you don't mind my answering on the blog, please feel free! I won't use your name.

Actually, I've done a ton of revamping on my blog recently; so, if you find yourself bored, you can always peruse the tabs at the top of the blog.

To sum it all up, my plan to get back to my goal weight is:

• Count calories without a particular calorie goal in mind
• Eat four times per day, what I consider a "modest" portion
• Eat what I want most (listen to my body)
• Run 30 minutes a day on the treadmill (aim for 5 times a week, but I'd settle for 3-4 times)
• Stay accountable by posting weigh-ins again
• Limiting/avoiding alcohol
• Blog more frequently

And there you have it! Let's hope that sometime in the next 2-3 months, I'll see my goal weight again.

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The Big Fat Mess That Is My Life Right Now

I honestly don't even know where to begin. And at the same time, I really don't even know what to say.

I've been struggling in so many ways lately that I feel like I'm too far gone to fix it.

I mostly just feel very overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with all the things keeping me busy right now, of course; but also at all the things that I've dropped the ball on, and how badly I want to get back to the good place I was in last year.

Last year, I felt fantastic. After my bipolar diagnosis, I started the correct medication, and it worked wonders for me. I had a major breakthrough in therapy, which helped me to stop caring what other people think of me and to do what makes me happy.

And I was! I felt very happy, even though I had made some huge changes--like taking an indefinite hiatus from running, for example. My weight dropped down to my goal weight almost effortlessly, even without counting calories. I had quit drinking almost entirely, having a drink about once a month, which made me feel healthier. I was super productive with everything--my blog overhaul, getting my house cleaned and organized, and putting my life in order.

I'm not sure how/when/why it happened, but things have been changing over the last several months, and I feel like a big old mess right now.

I haven't been blogging much at all (other than the vacation posts I just did). Every time I think about writing, I feel anxious and stressed, so I just avoid it altogether. I've gotten very good at avoidance, which is only making me feel worse.

I haven't been doing a good job with the eating habits I'd developed last year, and I've fallen back into some of the old (bad) habits that will inevitably lead me to gain all the weight back if I don't take control over it. For example, I started drinking coffee with cream and sugar. I had completely given up coffee in 2011, and on the rare occasion I did have it, I would add a tiny bit of cream, but no sugar. Now, drinking coffee adds a couple hundred calories to my day!

My weight is inching very closely to 150--I went on vacation last week and gained 5 pounds, and hoped it would come off when I got home. Well, that didn't happen. A week later, and it's still there. At 148 pounds, I am now 15 pounds over my comfortable weight of 133.

I haven't run in two and a half weeks. At all. My last run was the 11-miler that I did with Jerry a few days before we went on vacation. I had hoped to get in a couple of runs while on vacation, but that didn't happen. Then I planned to get right back to it when we got home; but that didn't happen, either.

I have no excuses not to do it; I just keep putting it off for "one more day". The half-marathon that I was training for (and hadn't missed a single training run for, until after the 11-miler!) is on Saturday, and I have no idea if I'm even going to do it. Considering I was having IT band issues before the 11-miler, it probably wouldn't be smart to run a half-marathon after three weeks of not running. But I feel like I should do it--I paid for it and I worked very hard at it for 10 weeks.

I've been in a depressed episode of bipolar for a while now, and the worst part about it currently is that it's so physically tiring. I feel drained all the time, and a complete lack of motivation to do anything. I never sleep well when I have depression (even though I'm extremely tired, I basically just toss and turn for several hours and call that "sleep").

My boys have started their spring sports (Noah is playing baseball, and Eli is running track) and it has kept me very busy--which I think is a good thing, because otherwise, I might be even less productive than I already am. But it still adds stress to my days.

Something I mentioned on my last series of posts about vacation is that I am dealing with poor body image right now. And that is a very nice, sugar-coated way of saying that I am disgusted with how I look. It sounds so vain, I know, but I can't help but pick apart my flaws and focus on them.

A few days ago, I decided to curl my hair (something I never do) and wear make-up (a rarity these days) in the hopes that I would feel better about myself. We were going out to lunch with a group of people, so it was a good time to put effort into my appearance.

While I was getting ready, I told Jerry that it felt like "polishing a turd" (one of our favorite expressions)... it was almost embarrassing to think that doing my hair and make-up was going to make me look nice. I just don't feel pretty right now, and I can't help but focus on the negative. And then when nobody noticed (or at least didn't say anything) about my appearance, I felt extremely insecure. It was the same feeling I always had when I was obese--are people looking at me with my hair and make-up done and thinking "Why does she even bother?"

(And please, I am not asking for compliments!)

I am also feeling a ton of pressure from something going on in my personal life right now, and it's not helping at all. As someone with bipolar disorder, feeling pressured (about anything) is extremely stressful. It's like my brain is incapable of making a decision (even something as simple as what I want to eat) and that just adds to the pressure.

I realize this is an extremely negative post, and I hate that I can't write something more positive right now, but I know that many of you appreciate my candor and honesty. Hopefully, I'll be writing some positive (and still honest!) posts soon.

I've been thinking about what I can do to make myself feel better right now, and there are a few things I've considered...

I think I'd like to count calories again, at least until I get used to the routine of smaller portions at specific times of the day. Because my eating has been so off lately, I don't feel like my body recognizes correct portions anymore. So, calorie counting will help me to get back to that point.

Running. I think the pressure of the upcoming half-marathon is causing me so much stress that I have just been avoiding thinking about it altogether. I have a plan for what I'm going to do after the half-marathon--I haven't written about it yet, but in a nutshell, I'm planning to do heart rate training to not only build a base, but to get back into good cardio shape as well. It's the long runs that I really dislike while training, so I think I'll max out my running at a 10K distance. And for the foreseeable future, I'm going to be totally fine staying at the mid- to back-of-the-pack. No PR's!

Get back into my daily cleaning routine. I never feel good when my house is messy, and even though I've been doing the necessary tasks, I miss how clean the house was when I was at my peak of happiness.

Take the time every day to do something I enjoy. Lately, I've been so busy taking care of everything/everybody else that I haven't been doing the pastimes that I find therapeutic, in a way--sewing, my bullet journal, reading books, etc.

Look for patterns in my emotions/activities/behaviors to see if I can find what makes me feel my best. I started using an app called Nomie 2 that I think will be helpful to track these things.

Anyways, I am sure I am missing things I could add, but I am so tired right now--it's after midnight, and I have to get up at 6:00 to get the kids ready for school. Again, I apologize for such a downer of a post. I am sure I will regret posting so many personal feelings in the morning, but if it's how I'm feeling this very moment, I might as well document it and get it over with. (Actually, writing and posting this will probably help me to feel better--lighter, in a way).

I keep nodding off as I write this, so I am not even going to check for spelling or grammar. Hopefully it all makes sense!

To end on a positive note, Luke (my nephew) got his first haircut today... how cute is he?!

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"I know how to lose weight, so why am I not doing it?"

This post is a combination of Weight Loss Wednesday and Mental Health Monday. I asked on Facebook recently for ideas for blog post topics--since I've had a bit of writer's block lately, I hoped that maybe people would have some fresh ideas.

One person wrote:

"My struggle is and continues to be.....
I’ve lost weight in the past, I know what to do, so why aren’t I doing it?
That on and off switch.
Thanks for asking. As I enjoy reading your words, your thoughts!!"

I believe this is mostly mental, which is why I chose to write about it today. It's a question I've asked myself God-only-knows how many times in my life. And I wish I had one solid, concrete answer... but if I did, then everyone would be thin ;)

While I was obese, and a doctor started telling (lecturing?) me one time about the things I needed to do to lose the weight, I cut her off and told her that I know how to lose weight. If you want to know how to lose weight, ask a fat person--we know better than anyone!

We've read all the magazine articles, self-help books, healthy cooking books; we've gone to Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig; we've tried Slim Fast and Whole 30 and the BeachBody programs. We can tell you exactly how many calories are in that doughnut you're eating, or the pasta that you ordered at the restaurant; how many fat grams are in that cookie or slice of pizza. We can tell you how many miles you need to walk to burn off that piece of cake.

WE KNOW HOW TO LOSE THE WEIGHT.

So, the big question is, what stops us from actually doing it?

Jerry and I were goofing around recently and we started taking selfies of us doing all of the emoji faces... haha! I wasn't sure what other pics to use for this post, so this is what you get ;) 

I had to think hard about this question, because I spent 20 years of my life knowing how to lose weight but not actually doing it. Until one day, I did. So, I had to ask myself what was different? Why was I able to do it this time? I came up with three things that I think made the difference.

One

I've written it over and over and over, and I'll never stop saying it: I didn't make changes that I wasn't willing to live with forever. THAT is the big "secret" that helped me to actually lose the weight.

Before you stop reading (most people shut out the rest of what I have to say at this point, because that's not a "real" answer that they are looking for), let me explain the best I can.

To lose weight, we have to make sacrifices. That is a fact. If you don't change a single thing, you obviously aren't going to lose the weight. So, whether we are successful and can stick with it depends on the sacrifices we CHOOSE to make.

If we know what we need to do to lose the weight, we need to ask ourselves if those are things we're willing to do forever (key word is "willing"). If we only choose sacrifices that we're willing to make, then there really isn't a question of whether or not we can do it. We don't have to change everything! We just have to pick and choose the changes that we are willing to make.

Here is a post that explains more about how to do that.

Two

We have to stop making the same old excuses:

"I have a birthday party tomorrow, so I'll wait and start after that."
"This weekend is busy for me, so I'm going to start on Monday."
"I am going to start tomorrow, so I need to eat all of these cookies and get them out of the house."
"I'm going to have my favorite meal one last time before I start my diet."
"The holidays are coming up, so I'm going to wait until after that. I always have so many parties and festivities going on, so I can't stick to a diet during the holidays."

And so on. We've all said them (or similar things) over and over again.

But here's the kicker: If we are TRULY willing to make the sacrifices that we came up with in my first point, then there is absolutely no reason to start later than literally RIGHT NOW. At this very moment. Because there are always going to be birthdays, anniversaries, junk food at home and work, and invitations to go out to dinner--these things won't stop!

Our surroundings, our relationships, our jobs, holidays, special occasions... those things don't change just because we go on a "diet". We are going to have to deal with those things forever, regardless of what we're eating.

So, if we choose to make the changes that we can live with, then why not start right this minute? We don't need "one last" anything, because if it's something we're not willing to give up, then we are going to have it again--no need to treat it like it's out of our lives forever.

Instead, we need to make a plan--starting right this minute. Which leads to...

Three

We need a "life plan" if we're going to stick with the changes we make. We need to plan for the tough situations and know what we're going to do in them. For example, in the previous excuse of, "I have a birthday party tomorrow, so I'll just wait until after that to start," we need to plan for it in a way that will make us happy.

What is it about the birthday party that we feel will throw us "off our diet"? We want to eat all the food, which probably isn't healthy, and a piece of birthday cake? No problem! We just plan for it ahead of time. In my personal scenario, I would plan to eat only the foods that I desire (for example, I might choose to eat a heaping scoop of pasta salad because I love it, but then I would forgo the fried chicken, because I can really take it or leave it--it's not something that I care about.

I would eat all of the things that I want to eat, that sound good to me, and I would skip the things that don't matter so much. I know (from experience) that the first 4-5 bites of a particular food taste the best; after that, it kind of goes downhill, so when it stops tasting as good, I stop eating it. What's the point of continuing to eat it if it doesn't taste as good?

And I always save room for dessert. If I'm full from a meal, then I will have my dessert later (even asking to take a piece of cake home instead of eating it at the party).

(Note: When I was counting Points or calories, my dilemma at a party was that I didn't want to have to try to estimate the calories in everything, and it was just too much work. So I would either eat nothing at all or say "Screw it!" and eat everything. 

Eventually, my solution for that became to just pick a number and count it as that--say, 500 calories for my plate of food, regardless of what was on it. I didn't try to figure it all out; I just ate what I wanted, and counted it as 500 calories.  

Then, when I wrote it in my food journal, I didn't feel like I "screwed up" the entire day or week. When I felt like I blew it with a meal, then I would let that ruin the rest of the day or week. So, by counting it (even if I was off count by 1,000 calories!) I didn't let it ruin my attitude.)

As far as drinks go... one of the sacrifices I was willing to make from the very beginning of my weight loss was pop. I used to drink tons of Dr. Pepper, but I felt I could live without it. I certainly wasn't willing to give up my desserts, but Dr. Pepper was a sacrifice that I was cool with. If you are a pop person, and you don't want to give it up, then plan on having it--but not a whole two-liter. Having one glass of pop at a birthday party isn't the end of the world.

Alcohol is a tough one for me, as you know if you've been reading lately. I had a glass of wine just about every single day when I was losing weight. I measured it out and counted the calories in it. These days, I haven't been so good at stopping with a small glass of wine. And as I get older, it has affected me in a lot of negative ways, so I am choosing not to drink alcohol (I'm not ready to declare "forever" yet... but I'd like to keep it to very, very rarely).

It's not easy for me, though! Just like weight loss, I have to make sacrifices. Of course I want to drink like everybody else at a party, or share a bottle of wine with Jerry or a girlfriend. But I remind myself of the consequences--how bad it will make me feel later, in particular. And when I weigh that in my mind, being 100% honest with myself, I (usually) choose not to have any.

In another example: "I better eat all these cookies now so that I can start my diet tomorrow". I can't tell you how many times I've said this. And you want me to spoil the ending? It won't be the last time you have cookies in your house!

Eating all of the cookies right now isn't going to keep us from being around cookies forever. All it does is give us an excuse to eat all the cookies--it makes us feel like we're doing the "right" thing because now we can start losing weight tomorrow.

In this situation, I've learned that I can have cookies every single day if I want to. I am not willing to give up cookies from my life. So, I leave the cookies in the cupboard, and when I really, truly, honestly want a cookie, I'll eat one (or two--or until they just don't taste as good).

I discovered that there have been so many times where I thought I wanted things (junk food) just because it was "bad"... but way deep down, it didn't even sound good to me at the time. So what's the point of eating it if it doesn't even sound good? Why not save it for when it really does sound good?

I think that listening to our gut feeling (figuratively, not literally--ha) is very important when it comes to food choices. When I'm really struggling, I usually ask myself, "Do I REALLY want this? (Yes! Of course I do!) No, do I really, honest-to-God, want this? Does it really sound that good?" and sometimes the answer is yes; sometimes the answer is no. But I try to listen to that little voice way down in my gut.

Before I eat, I serve myself a small portion of food, even if I'm ravenous. I can always go back for seconds if I want. I eat slowly if I can, and then if I'm ready to get seconds, I'll take a moment to ask myself if I really am still hungry. I have found that my gut feeling (I guess we could call it intuition, although I hate the phrase "intuitional eating"), is the best answer. My head might tell me I want more, but deep down, I know that I don't actually want more.

---

Okay, that was a very long-winded answer to a simple question:

"I know how to lose weight, so why am I not doing it?"

I think it's because we tend to make things more complicated than they need to be. If we don't give up the things we enjoy, and we learn to listen to our gut feelings about what we REALLY want, it will probably help us to actually "do it".

I think we all know the infinite ways to lose weight, and many of us have tried dozens of them--but by making it complicated, it becomes overwhelming--and of course we would rather choose simple than overwhelming.

So, I guess the nutshell three word answer is: Keep it simple!

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Here are some other posts that may be helpful (going into more detail) regarding this topic:

Lose Weight Eating Only the Foods You Love
Changing the Habits That Keep Us From Losing the Weight
Is It Worth the Points/Calories?
My Best Advice For Those With Weight Loss Goals
What I Wish I Knew When I Started Losing Weight
Get It Over With! (Stop Procrastinating and Just Do It)
What Made This Time Different


(I have to say, I do a way better job at making emoji faces than Jerry does!)

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