Alcohol-Free for One Year: My thoughts, introspections, how it affected my life, and whether I'll continue

(Trigger warning: There are photos in this post of me drinking alcohol--in the past--and describing the things I miss about it; if you're a recovering alcoholic, I just wanted to forewarn you in case that will be a trigger.)

Before I get into this post, I wanted to say that I know that using the word "sobriety" or "sober" is touchy for some people. On my last post about it, some people were offended by my use of the word because I hadn't gone through hell and hit other people's ideas of "rock bottom" to be able to quit drinking.

However, I think it's a very personal choice of language. Nobody knows exactly what my journey before, during or currently was/is like, what got me to the point of committing to not drinking for a year, or how difficult it was for me.

While I didn't have DUI's and arrests, or lose my family and friends, or wind up homeless due to alcohol; I choose to use the word "sober" because I had to work really fucking hard at it. It wasn't a joke, or a dumb challenge; it meant a lot to my lifestyle, which I will get into in this post.

So, I mean no offense to anyone by using the word "sober"--I know that SO many people have horror stories of what alcohol did to their lives, much worse than anything I've dealt with. But there are people with not-so-obvious stories, too, and I don't want to invalidate those. Everybody's story is unique and valid. This is a very vulnerable post for me. I hope that you'll respect that.

This is a great article that explains "sobriety", including the DSM-V criteria for recovery. I find it very interesting!

That said, let me get into this post, which will likely be long.

On January 1st, 2019, I declared that I was going to give up alcohol for one year. I had tried numerous times to give it up for 30 days or whatever, but toward the end of 2018, I knew I really needed to take it seriously. I didn't want to say it was forever, because I honestly didn't want to give it up forever. I liked drinking!

I was not physically dependent on alcohol, but I did abuse it in the sense that I used it for calming anxiety. Alcohol is the only thing that has ever worked to ease anxiety for me (I tried therapy, benzodiazepines, and even medicinal marijuana--nothing worked liked alcohol).

My anxiety started to get really high in 2014, and it was (stupidly) due to blog or social media comments. (I have since written a post about how I stopped feeling anxious over social media--and it's still mostly true. But I think social media will forever cause an anxiety pit in my stomach.) When I allowed anonymous comments on my blog, people would say hurtful things sometimes, and it got to the point where I would dread seeing that I got comments on my posts. I was worried about it ALL the time.

For years, I was able to have a small glass of wine in the evenings and be totally satisfied. When I was losing weight, I measured out 4-6 oz, and I was fine with that. Once my anxiety started going up, and I wasn't counting calories anymore, I would drink more to combat the anxiety. I always poured a glass of wine when starting a blog post, and then refilled as needed.

It was also a social anxiety reliever. I eventually got to the point where I would have a couple of drinks before people would come over (and then more when they were here) just to keep myself from being socially awkward and anxious. At get-togethers, I noticed I always drank more than others, which was starting to make me question my drinking, and whether it was a problem.

And then, as with any drug, my tolerance grew and I had to drink more to get that anxiety relief. At the end of 2018, I finally accepted that it was a problem and I was going to have to be drastic. I couldn't just do a 30-day challenge or something to "prove to myself" that I could go without it. I wanted to do it long enough to see positive changes so that I would WANT to stop drinking. (Because I certainly didn't want to stop! I felt that I needed to stop.)

Physically, I felt like crap all the time when I was drinking. I would wake up feeling bloated and puffy. The alcohol would usually make me eat more, both while drinking and then the next day because my stomach would feel sour. And I always felt dehydrated.

I don't care to go into all the personal details of "before", but I will just say that I knew alcohol was a problem for me. And I wanted to take care of it before it became a bigger problem. I didn't want to become someone who would drink and drive, or who got mean when drinking, or who would stumble around the house drunk. Nobody wants to get to that point! So I tried to think of what would help me to quit for long enough to see a change in my health (mental and physical).

The most drastic thing I could think of in order to make it through a whole year was to be extremely public about it.

I had read that it can take up to a year before you really start to see the benefits of quitting drinking, and since the new year was approaching, I decided to make it a top priority for 2019. Not just a typical goal, or a new year's resolution... but a true NEED for change. And I told myself that if, after a year, I didn't see any changes or if I just wanted to drink again, I could. But I was solidly committed to one full year.

I wrote the declaration on my blog, I wrote it on my Facebook page, and I even shared it on my personal Facebook wall for my friends to see. I wanted everyone to know so that if they saw me drinking, I would feel the shame of it. Hurt my pride. Have to explain that I just couldn't hack it.

Choosing to do it for a year was helpful when explaining to people why I wasn't drinking in a social situation (because people always ask). I just said that I was doing a personal challenge for a year, and that satisfied their curiosity. I was afraid if I got into the deeper reasons, they might feel judged themselves, and I wasn't judging anyone. Like I said, it's personal for everybody.

Almost immediately after making the announcement that I was giving up alcohol for a year, I regretted it. It had become such a habit for me to have wine at night, and I felt like I was crawling out of my skin with anxiety and simple boredom. I hated feeling so anxious and not having any relief from it. My psychiatrist prescribed anxiety meds, but they just didn't do the trick like alcohol did.

For weeks, I felt like giving up drinking was the stupidest idea I'd ever had. I wished I hadn't been public about it. If I hadn't been, I would have given up on the second day!

I had expected to feel something magical happen--like I would just wake up one day and feel a trillion times better and my anxiety would be gone. I wanted to feel like all those success stories from former drinkers who make it sound like sobriety is all sunshine and rainbows. (Seeing their stories on Instagram was very motivating to me, however; it was nice to see that there are young, fun people who choose to live a sober lifestyle).

In truth, I didn't experience those sunshine and rainbows. In retrospect, there were a couple of physical changes--I didn't feel puffy all the time when I woke up, and I wouldn't wake up in the night feeling hot and cold at the same time, or just restless while trying to fall back asleep. I loved waking up knowing that I hadn't said anything stupid while getting together with friends or sent texts when feeling uninhibited.

On the contrary, my anxiety was higher than ever and I had no relief. I did start to eat more (basically replacing alcohol with food) and I knew that wasn't a healthy replacement (although, I felt that junk food was the lesser of two evils).

I kept reminding myself that it can take a full year to feel the good effects of quitting alcohol, which is one of the reasons I kept going. And my pride. Let's not forget that. (I could have cheated without anyone knowing, but I was committed to MYSELF--not just others.)

About 4-5 months in, I started to find myself feeling bitter toward alcohol in general. I started thinking about how stupid it was that alcohol has to be involved in everything social, and how much I hated the "mommy wine culture" trend (seeing the memes about "mommy juice", a.k.a. wine, would make me feel sad rather than make me laugh).

I became pretty irritated about it all, and Jerry said I sounded judgmental. I didn't feel like I was judging people, but more so that I was just irritated that alcohol has to play such a huge part in everything. It's everywhere and it's so "normal" that I feel abnormal for not drinking it.

By six months in, I hated the idea of alcohol. I never, ever expected to feel that way when I started the year. At that point, I had a feeling that I would want to continue the sobriety beyond a year. Not that I didn't miss how much it relaxed me, or how it made me feel more social; but I just was weighing the pros and cons frequently, and it felt like there were more pros than cons.

Now just over twelve months in, I can't say that I've noticed a ton of positive changes since quitting. I haven't gotten to the "sunshine and rainbows" part. Perhaps that's because my life wasn't in shambles when I decided to quit. I imagine if I had been drinking all day long, driving while drunk, getting arrested for public intoxication, being mean or abusive to my family, losing my money, family, house, etc., I would probably notice some huge changes by quitting. But because I hadn't gotten even close to that point, the changes are very subtle.

Here are the things I enjoy about staying alcohol-free:

Waking up without worrying about stupid things I may have said or texted while my inhibitions were low the night before.

Going to bed knowing that I'm not going to feel any effects of a hangover the next morning.

Not having to worry about having a designated driver.

The feeling of being in control.

Setting a good example for my kids (letting them see that not EVERY adult drinks and that it's perfectly okay to choose not to).

More energy on a day-to-day basis.


The difficult parts:

Insomnia--I toss and turn all night long, and I had hoped that quitting drinking would help this. But I am forever an insomniac. My bipolar meds do help more than before I started taking them, but I still have sleep issues.

The obvious one: anxiety. I still have it and it's not going away. However, it's gotten better over the last six months or so as compared to the first six months of sobriety.

Feeling like a party pooper in social situations. I know it shouldn't matter what people think, and I honestly have no idea if people think that I'm boring because I don't drink; but I am extremely shy and inhibited without alcohol, so I'm definitely not much fun at parties.

And to be real, I just don't have as much fun as I used to. (For what it's worth, my friends are at the age where "partying" doesn't consist of doing shots and getting into a drunk stupor--usually at get-togethers, my friends will have 2-3 drinks tops, over a several hour period. What can I say? We're getting old.)

I miss being able to "let loose" and get a wine buzz with Jerry on a date night. We used to laugh so hard and have the best conversations when drinking wine together (there is something about a wine buzz that is different from other alcohol).

I've had a much harder time losing weight, because I use food for comfort now that I don't have the alcohol. I would really like to find a healthy replacement that works just as well! (Exercise is the obvious choice, but it doesn't work for me... perhaps because of my former "fat girl" mentality.)

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Overall, I know that the positives outweigh the negatives, even if it doesn't always feel that way. The toughest situation for me over the past year has actually been flying/traveling sober. I have such a horrible fear of flying that I ALWAYS had to have two glasses of wine to get on a flight and 1-2 more during the flight. Flying sober, my stomach was in knots the entire time. However, when I got off the plane, I didn't feel loopy or tired, bloated, or even anxious. I felt great!

Social situations really aren't that hard anymore. I know that it's controversial in sober lifestyles, but I found Heineken 0.0% (alcohol-free beer) to be a lifesaver. Heineken was my favorite beer for years, and when I saw that they had a truly alcohol-free version, I hoped it would be similar. And honest-to-God, if I tasted the two side-by-side, I wouldn't know the difference. It's so good! I don't drink it on a regular basis, but it comes in handy when I really want a beer.

So, when I go somewhere for a get together or if we're having people here, I just drink that. Not simply to "fit in"--my friends don't pressure me to drink--but because I like the taste of it. (Actually, we had two couples over for New Year's Eve, and my friend Amanda had the thoughtfulness to ask me if it was going to be "dry" or if it was cool if they brought a couple of hard ciders. That was SO considerate of her to ask! But of course I don't expect people to stop drinking around me.)

Having people drink around me doesn't make it difficult for me, which was surprising to me. I think it helps that I can choose to have my non-alcoholic options. I definitely don't want to make other people feel like they can't drink around me or that I'm judging them. I'm not.

One thing I've noticed is that drinking just one of the Heineken 0.0% beers is satisfying. With regular beer, one was never enough! Now, I'll have 1-2 at a party (or 3 if I'm feeling really wild, haha) and I'm totally cool with that. Plus, they are only 69 calories each! (I know that non-alcoholic beer can be triggering for some people that live sober lifestyles, but I have found the opposite to be true for me.)

I've also found a non-alcoholic wine that I like. I always thought that sounded stupid--wouldn't non-alcoholic wine just be grape juice? But it actually tastes very much like the dry red wine that I like, not sweet at all. I don't drink it often, though--I usually just save it for when I am craving that romanticized idea of curling up on the couch with a warm blanket and reading a good book, or something like that.

Funnily enough, the one situation I can think of that I just don't want to be in is to go out for Mexican food and not have a margarita. I LOVE margaritas and there is a particular Mexican restaurant in Toledo that makes the best margaritas ever. I don't think I can go to that restaurant, at least not for now.

Margaritas with Caitlin at my favorite Mexican place:

So, for the million dollar question... what's next? Am I going to start drinking again now that my year is over?

No, I'm not. I am also not going to say that I'll never drink again, either. Right now, I know that if I was to drink, I wouldn't be able to do so in moderation or have total control over it. Maybe someday I will get back to that point, but I know that I can't do that right now.

Also, I'm pretty content with not drinking. There have been only a few times over the past few months that I felt a real craving (going to a party on the 28th was the hardest--I get nervous to go to things like that, and I normally would have had a couple glasses of wine before going.)

But with the Heineken 0.0% and the non-alcoholic wine (or even mocktails), I don't really feel like I "need" to drink. Sure, I want to sometimes--if not to relieve anxiety, then to at least let loose. But those moments pass, and I'm always glad that I didn't do it.

If anyone is thinking about going alcohol-free for a while, I highly suggest doing it for a bare minimum of nine months (if not a year). I don't feel like anything less than that will give you the full picture. If you go into it knowing that you're only going to do it for a 30-day challenge or even 90 days, then you're constantly focused on that finish line. And 30 days isn't a long time!

Going alcohol-free for a full year means going through your birthday, Christmas, multiple parties, weddings, New Year's Eve, the holiday season, and lots of other social situations. If we choose a particularly boring month to go alcohol-free, we don't get to truly experience the hardships of it, which keep the good parts from standing out and being noticed.

I don't say this in judgement, because there are plenty of people who have no problem moderating alcohol; but I encourage anyone who drinks to see what it's like to go for a year without it. It was life-changing for me. I hadn't realized just what a problem it was until going several months without.

I don't think of alcohol as "bad". I do think that it has the potential to be horrible, though. It destroys peoples lives every day. But for a lot of people, it's hard to realize that it's a problem until it's too late. I think that doing a one-year experiment helps to see if there is a problem, even if it's just something minor.

So, that is what I've learned in my year of being alcohol-free. I never, ever expected to continue beyond a year (actually, I doubted I would even last the year); but my head is much clearer and I've done a lot of introspection this past year. I've learned a lot about myself, and I'm grateful that I made the most of this "experiment". It also made me want to get healthier in 2020.

Again, I feel very vulnerable posting all of this, so please be kind if you choose to comment. I am not, in any way, judging those who drink or don't drink for any reason. This year of sobriety was about ME. I'm very glad I did it, and I plan to continue as long as I feel the need to--perhaps forever. I'm not making any declarations beyond right now, though. I feel I've learned enough to make the decision in a smart way, rather than an emotional one.

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I'm not sure why, but "Carri" deleted these comments after I replied. I feel it's important to address her concerns, so I just thought I'd reply to them here:

If you read my post, I actually DID mention my kids when I write about the positives of choosing not to drink: "Setting a good example for my kids (letting them see that not EVERY adult drinks and that it's perfectly okay to choose not to)."

Also, I never said I was an alcoholic. Maybe some people would call me that based on this post, but according to criteria in the DSM-V, I do not fit the profile for an alcoholic. If I was an alcoholic, then about 90% of the people I know are, too. I decided to quit before it came to that point. My kids are happy and healthy, and always have been--I choose not to share much about their lives on here because of judgmental people on the internet. (I know it's shocking, but judgmental people on the internet exist! 😂)

When Carri implies that only alcoholics need designated drivers, I felt this was an important point to reply to--I think EVERYBODY should have a designated driver if there is alcohol involved (it doesn't matter how much or how little). In my opinion, choosing to have a designated driver doesn't make one an alcoholic. It's just the responsible thing to do when drinking alcohol.

So, Carri, I'm sorry that you felt the need to delete your comments. They are great questions!

Continue Reading...

A Chat About My Weight (The elephant--haha!--in the room)

(All photos in the post were taken within the past year)

If you haven't noticed, I haven't been writing much about my weight at all on my blog lately. It's not that I'm trying to keep secrets or anything--I've already talked about my weight gain, and how I'm the heaviest I've been in eight (err, nine) years. That's nothing new.

And really, I haven't written much about it because there isn't much to write! I still weight myself occasionally (not every day, like I used to--maybe about once a week). When I write it down in my little calendar book, I don't really think anything except, "Ugh, I really need to do something to drop these extra pounds."

Yesterday, after I weighed in, I decided to flip through the book and see how long it's been since I was at my goal weight (or close to it). When I started gaining weight. All of that kind of stuff.

And I noticed the most unbelievable thing.

I have actually been within a five-pound weight range for OVER A YEAR. (Let me just add that this is the info I got from my weight log; so if I happened to mention a lower or higher weight in that time, I'm sorry, it's not intentional. I may have dipped a little higher or lower for a minute).

Anyway, when I wrote that post about being the heaviest I've been in eight years (that was in September 2018), I weighed 162. I remember being a little stunned that I'd gotten back up into the 160's. I wasn't proud of it, but I knew it was from emotional eating (and alcohol). I wanted to take it off, but I didn't care so much about the number. I changed my weight goal (without looking back at the post, I want to say 145?).

Throughout the last year, I've given half-hearted attempts at losing the weight, but I just can't seem to get myself into that mindset. It's not that I don't care--I do--it's just that I am not in such a rush and I'm not willing to sell my soul to be thin again.

Yesterday, my weight was 166. I going to have to go back and plot my weight for the last year or so on my Happy Scale app so I can see a graph, but I've literally been in a very small weight range for over 12 months now. Who would have thought that was even possible?! I certainly wasn't trying to do that.

Part of me starts to wonder about the theory of "set points" for our bodies (the weight that our body naturally gravitates to, where it's hard to gain or lose from that weight. I always hoped that if that was true, my "set point" would be about 130 ;)  Apparently, my body likes my weight in the mid-160's.

Keep in mind, however, that I hadn't been running more than a couple of times a month until almost six weeks ago, so that may have something to do with my weight staying up. Also, I gave up alcohol (for a year as an experiment--I'm not going to claim that it's permanent yet!) and admittedly, replaced it with comfort food when I'm anxious.

Other than the few semi-attempts at losing the weight, I've literally been eating whatever and whenever I want, however much I want, for over a year now. I think if I saw the scale continuing to climb, I would probably make more of an effort. But since the scale isn't really moving, I'm kind of loving that I don't have to count calories.

I'm sure many of you have heard of The F*ck It Diet by Caroline Dooner (Amazon affiliate link). (Also, I despise that title) It's basically the most anti-diet diet that is out there. She writes about how you basically don't have any rules whatsoever--eat what you want, when you want it, how much you want, and fuck everything else. We are not slaves to our weight.

I love the idea, but I wasn't consciously following that. It made me too scared to gain more weight on top of what I'd already gained. But looking back, that's pretty much how I gained it in the first place! I'd not heard of it at the time, and I wasn't intentionally eating that way, but I just had a "fuck it" attitude and thought I'd worry about my weight later, when I wasn't so stressed.

(Side note: Noah going to the community college has been a big stressor for me. That and Jerry's depression happened around the same time, and I was super worried and stressed. And anxious. Always anxious. I started drinking more to alleviate anxiety, which caused me to eat more and gain weight, and then I made the decision to go a year without alcohol to hopefully find other coping mechanisms for anxiety.)

The stressors haven't gone away, and sometimes I wish that life had a pause button, to allow me to catch up while the world stops. I am still working on finding ways to cope with anxiety (my favorite is still the games I play on Lumosity while I chew ice). Actually, a lot of the things that I do to avoid binge eating also help with anxiety.

There really isn't a point to this post! I just thought it was very interesting that I've maintained my weight for over a year without even trying, and even though it's about 20 pounds more than I'd like, I'm very thankful not to have gained everything back.

As far as my plans from here? I want to try to lose the weight, but in a different way. I don't want to count calories or make things overly complicated. I know where my problems are--I use food to relieve stress, and of course, it's never salad. Ice cream has been my go-to. I believe that if I made just one change--drastically reduce the ice cream (coupled with my return to running)--I will probably see a noticeable difference on the scale.

Yes, I change my mind about this all the time (hey, I'm bipolar!) but I'm allowed to. I can change my mind as many times as I want. And I am the one that lives with the consequences and who learns from my actions as far as what works and what doesn't.

I'm *starting* to feel little tingles when I think about running again (crazy, I know!) and so after my 3-3-3 running plan is up (3 miles, 3 days a week, for 3 months), I may set a running goal. Maybe a half-marathon or something. I don't care about my finish time (PR's are not on my mind), but it would be nice to work toward something other than my weight.

I have to say, the ODDEST thing about all of this is that I haven't had to buy new clothes. When I bought jeans to fit me last year (size 10), I never expected they'd fit me a year later. That's never happened. However, I'm wearing a pair right now. This is madness, I tell you! ;)

For the Cliff's Notes:

- My weight has stayed within a five pound range for over a year (mid-160's)
- I want to drop 20 pounds, but I'm not in a hurry
- If I do lose weight, it's going to be in a way that I am willing to do FOREVER. Something I've always preached!
- I'm looking forward to continuing with running and I'm hoping I'll set some future running goals once I'm done with my 3-3-3 running plan
- Being "thin" isn't as important to me anymore (maybe it's my age); I really want to be healthy and in shape

I'd like to update on this once in a while. Since I'm not going to be "dieting" or counting calories or anything, I don't know if I'll have anything to update. But if I notice anything changing (especially now that I'm running again), I'll post about it. I feel good about my decisions.

Right now. As for tomorrow, who knows?! hahaha

Here are a few photos of me throughout the last year. Some I hated and didn't post because I felt like I was "too fat". Some I thought were more flattering than others. But you know what? It is what it is. I am who I am. I'm at where I'm at.

Continue Reading...

Victorious! (This is a long post)

This is the first real chance I've had to write all weekend. It's been busy!

On Wednesday, the boys had a baseball game for their summer recreation league. We were on a bad losing streak, having won only one out of seven(?) games... and even that one was cut short due to weather after the fourth inning.

I had wanted to coach the boys' team this year, and I volunteered; but I told the director of the program that I would need an assistant coach. I could handle the games and writing line-ups easily, but hitting balls to the kids at practice and doing drills with them were something that I needed help with. None of the other parents were volunteering, which was frustrating!

Finally, another mom said she would volunteer as coach. This was fine with me--I told her I'd keep score for her, and that way I could enjoy the game and still feel involved, only not have the responsibility of coaching.

Well, I got a call from the director on Wednesday saying that the coach had pink eye and he asked if I could fill in. I was actually really excited about the prospect of implementing the ideas I had for the team! I am always telling Jerry that, "If I was coach, I would put so-and-so at such-and-such position because they can do this-or-that really well. And I would do my batting order like this, because I want the faster kids in front of our best hitter, yada yada yada."

I was super nervous I was going to screw things up, but since our track record was pretty bad, I figured I couldn't do much more damage. I wrote the line up (very differently from what has been done previously) and changed up the positions a bit. Then I crossed my fingers and hoped for the best.

The team we played had coaches that were certainly not friendly toward our team, and they had the umpires in their pockets from the get-go. When we got there, since we were the away team, we were supposed to have the dugout on the first baseline (the home team sits along the third baseline.

Well, the other team was in our dugout. Normally, I wouldn't care, but it was 80-something degrees outside and the sun was full force in our dugout (literally ZERO shade). I explained the situation to the coach, but he wouldn't relent, so I just said to hell with it and we took the crappy sauna dugout.

And you know what? The first inning went SO WELL. I didn't want to get my hopes up so early in the game, but I was thrilled that we were playing good baseball. The boys (they are 13-15 year olds) were pretty excited and one of them said, "Hey Coach, if we win this game, will you take us out for ice cream?" He totally expected me to say no.

I said, "Yes! If you guys win this game, ice cream is on me tonight--and you can order anything you want!" So all the boys started talking about order their triple scoops of cookie dough ice cream and Oreo flurries and all that. They were fired up, which is totally what we needed. Each time one of them would go bat, the boys would yell out, "Think of that triple scoop!" or something as a reminder. It made the kids smile and and I think the fact that they felt relaxed helped the game.

The coaches on the other team argued with all sorts of plays, which was annoying. The umpire called a balk at our pitcher, which I didn't see, so maybe it was legit. But after that, the umpire yelled to the other coach (across the field for my whole team to hear), "Don't worry, I took care of that for you, Chris!"

I was fuming when he said that. But I just let it be, and told our team to use that as fuel to the fire to beat this team!

From that moment on, that field umpire's eyes were GLUED to our pitcher's feet. He called balks several more times, and nobody on our team could see why. At one point, our pitcher was literally as still as a statue when the umpire threw up his arms and yelled, "Balk!"

This has never happened in a game before, and from what our side could see, our pitcher was NOT balking. But if there is one thing I've learned from watching my kids play baseball for 14 years it's this: Never, ever get in an argument with the umpire. You will lose. And they will have a bad attitude toward you for the rest of the game.

Anyway, I'll stop dragging this out... WE FUCKING WON!!!

I put Eli in to pitch for the final three innings. In the last inning, he struck out the batters 1-2-3 and we won the game 10-7! I don't think I ever cheered so loudly. Seeing the look on the other coach's face was totally worth it. And the boys' spirits were up, which was great.

And as promised, I took the team out for ice cream :)  I couldn't help but feeling pretty proud that I'd successfully coached the game--with help from Jerry (he can't get to the games until 30 minutes in because of work) and Shawn (another dad) who base coached when we were batting.

I had invited the whole team to my house on Friday for nachos, a game of wiffle ball, kick ball, and a slip 'n' slide to "practice sliding", since it's been a running joke among our team that we need to learn to slide. They had a water balloon fight, too. My goal was to get them to have fun outside of baseball and feel more like a group of friends playing ball when they are on the field.

And of course, several balks were called during wiffle ball, hahaha.

I don't know if I wrote about him, but last year there was a boy on the team that I nicknamed "Wheels" because he was SO fast. I asked him if he ran cross country or track or anything, and he said he doesn't run. I was shocked! I told him he NEEDS to join a running team. He's very shy and quiet, and didn't end up joining last year. This year, I brought it up again.

On Friday, at my house, Renee's son Isaac (who is also on the baseball team) was here. He's SUPER fast at cross country (their whole family was born to be runners). Isaac and Wheels were apprehensive of going on the slip 'n' slide, so I challenged them to a foot race, and the loser had to slide. (Honestly, my money was on Isaac to win). But Wheels beat Isaac! I was shocked. And so excited. (To be fair, Isaac beat Wheels during a rematch; but still, that first race was great. And think how fast Wheels will be with some training!)

Renee told me yesterday that Wheels showed up at cross country conditioning. I really hope that he sticks with it and enjoys it. He's a great kid and has some serious running talent.

Jerry was off all weekend, and it was so nice to have him home because he's been working so much lately. We had a very lazy but fun day--Jerry, the kids, Ashley (Noah's girlfriend), and I had a movie marathon of Toy Story. We want to see Toy Story 4 and decided to watch the first three movies beforehand. We were supposed to go see the fourth yesterday, but we ended up doing something else instead...

Eli has been super into fishing for the past few months, and when he's not playing baseball, he is fishing. Sometimes he'll fish for 10 hours a day! He doesn't keep any fish, but he loves to catch and release them. He learned that Ben (my friend Renee's son) has been into it lately also, as well as another boy "B" on the baseball team.

So, I told Eli he could invite them to go to Elizabeth Park, which is on the Detroit River about 30 minutes away, and spend the afternoon fishing yesterday. Jerry, Noah, and Ashley went along as well. And Joey, of course! We found a shady spot and set up some blankets and chairs on the ground to chill out while the boys fished. I read some of my book (I'm reading World Without End).

I did not get in any of my Summer Challenge walks on Friday or Saturday, but I did do one yesterday and plan to do another later today. I'm doing really well with the checklist so far!

6/21 - Solstice Walk
6/22 - Bridge Walk
6/23 - Trail Walk
6/24 - Evening Walk
6/25 - Penny Pincher Walk (I found a penny while walking; I have no proof of this walk because I'd started it as a "Stone Age Walk"--no technology whatsoever)
6/26 - Night Owl Walk
6/27 - Silent Walk
6/30 - Generous Walk (I dropped four quarters in random places along the route)

I've been trying to get a picture representing each of the walks on the list, but it hasn't been easy.

I've also worked a bit more on my summer health goal bullet journal. (I took this pictures on Tuesday, so they are a little out of date)

Today, I have my annual gynecology appointment--fun! Kidding. But I'd like to ask about getting my vitamins and hormones checked out as part of my health goal this summer. I'm curious if everything is how it should be. I'm also wondering if I should start getting mammograms. Yikes! I don't remember getting this old. Both of my grandmothers had breast cancer, so it's always in the back of my mind.

Anyway, I hope everyone had a great weekend! Remember, tomorrow is Transformation Tuesday--if you have before and after pictures of anything at all, please send them in. I'd love to share them! I get so excited to see new ones :)

I just realized that today marks six months sober--halfway through the year!

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Five Months Sober (An Alcohol-Free Update--My Likes and Dislikes of Sobriety)

As of yesterday, I am five months without alcohol.

I feel like that's a pretty big deal! I've written about my history with alcohol before, so I won't get into it too much here, but here's the gist...

On January 1st of this year, I decided that I wanted to quit drinking for an entire year as a self experiment. I wanted to know if my body and mind felt better without alcohol. I wouldn't have considered myself an "alcoholic" before, but I could certainly see it becoming a problem if I continued drinking how I was.

I wasn't physically dependent on alcohol (meaning I didn't have withdrawal symptoms when quitting cold turkey). I think that alcohol, for me, was a way of coping with anxiety. It helped to calm my nerves when I felt anxious and it helped me to be more social with friends. It was a reason to get together with old friends ("Hey, let's go out for a drink and catch up!"). It was nice to sit down with Jerry and chat while sharing a bottle of wine.

I romanticized the idea of drinking when referring to the social scenarios: sipping wine with a friend; having margaritas when going out for Mexican food; having drinks while catching up with someone I hadn't seen in a long time; having a cold beer at a barbecue.

So, I wasn't the stereotypical person who had problems with alcohol. I wasn't drinking and driving or going out to bars every night. I never got DUI's or went to jail for drinking. Alcohol wasn't running my life or causing problems with my family.

However, I knew that using alcohol to cope with anxiety and/or to make myself have more fun was definitely not healthy, and having the predisposition for addiction issues (people with bipolar are notorious for addiction problems), I worried that it could turn into a big problem eventually. And I knew that I was drinking too much--too frequently and too much in volume.

All of this is why, I think, that my experiment with sobriety has been different from many others'.

When I decided to give up drinking, I loved reading about all the benefits in my future--less anxiety and depression, more energy, clearer skin, weight loss, sleeping better, feeling happier in general, etc.

Well, those things didn't happen for me. It's kind of a bummer!

I don't regret doing this experiment at all--there are definitely benefits that I have noticed...

LIKES:

• I like not having to worry about having a designated driver if I go out somewhere (I'm the driver now!). 
• I like never having to worry about a hangover or feeling crummy the next day. 
• I like saving money on drinks when going out to dinner. 
• I like that I feel less bloated. I used to get bloated quite often, and now I rarely do.
• I like knowing that any little ache or pain or anything at all that is going on with my body has nothing to do with alcohol.
• I like the example that I'm setting for my kids--that not all adults drink alcohol and we can still have fun without it.
• I like that I don't send cringe-worthy texts to friends only to feel embarrassed about them later.
• I like that I don't have to worry about whether I said something stupid or acted obnoxiously the night before.
• I like having something that I can feel proud of; I made a very difficult goal and I'm sticking to it.
• I like waking up and remembering everything that happened the night before.

There are certainly things that I don't like so much. I gave up something that played a rather big role in my life, so of course there are things that I don't enjoy...

DISLIKES:

• My weight hasn't changed much at all since I quit drinking. If anything, it's higher.
• I don't have a way to cope with anxiety (at least nothing that works for me). Flying on an airplane? That is the HARDEST thing for me to do while sober! 
• I'm extremely quit in social situations.
• I don't think people understand just how hard this was for me, and therefore, nobody recognizes my milestones (30 days, 90 days, etc.) As lame as it sounds, I really want a pat on the back and a "Good for you! I am sure this has been so hard, but I'm proud of you!" I think that the reason people don't recognize it or think much of it is probably because I wasn't necessarily an alcoholic and I never hit some sort of "rock-bottom" or went to rehab or anything like that.
• I don't like that some people automatically assume I'm boring or no fun because I don't drink. I'm actually guilty of thinking of others that way before I quit. 
• I have no sex drive. Wine was a surefire way to put me in the mood, but my libido went right down the drain with the alcohol.
• I still have insomnia. For the first couple of weeks, I thought I was sleeping better; after that, however, my insomnia has been pretty bad.
• I don't have the burst of energy that I hoped to get after quitting drinking. When I read about others' experiences, they share about how life is all sunshine and rainbows now, and they are just bursting with energy that they never had when drinking. I was SO looking forward to that, but it hasn't happened (yet). 

Overall, I am very glad that I'm doing this (despite the dislikes I mentioned above). Maybe after some more time goes by, I'll notice more benefits. I committed to do this for a year, but there is a good chance that I'll continue beyond that.

I missed drinking for the first couple of months, but after that, I really haven't missed it at all (except for flying on an airplane). Having the non-alcoholic Heineken has helped tremendously. Unlike regular beer, I don't drink much of it. It's so interesting--when I was drinking, one beer was never enough. Each one made me want another. Now, however, I'll drink a non-alcoholic Heineken and I'm totally satisfied with just that one. 

I am still hopeful that I'll start seeing the benefits such as reduced anxiety and more energy, but I guess we'll see about that as time goes on. Several people have told me that it takes at least a year to really reap the benefits that go with sobriety. One more month and I'll be halfway there! It's going by so quickly.

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I'm Still Alive! (Spring Break Week)

Wow! Time really flies, especially as I get older. I think the past nine days was the longest unintentional break I've taken from my blog. I assure you I am still alive and kicking ;)

My kids had spring break all last week, so they were out of school Friday afternoon all the way until yesterday, and they went back to school today. They actually weren't even home--they were gone for eight days--which was the longest I've been away from them.

My parents were vacationing in Hilton Head, SC, and the kids went down there to spend spring break with them. I took them to the airport on Saturday evening, and they flew (by themselves!) down to South Carolina, where my parents picked them up at the airport.

They were "unaccompanied minors" on Delta, so they have this whole procedure we had to do beforehand. Jerry and I went to the airport with them and waited in the slowest moving line ever, only to find out that just one parent could accompany them to the gate. Jerry insisted that I take them, but it was a bummer that we had to do it that way.

After Eli getting his backpack unloaded and searched, and me getting my body thoroughly patted down at security, we finally made it to the gate. It was so strange putting my kids on a plane and just trusting that they would make it to their destination without any problems. They are so grown up!

Noah isn't as angry or sad as he looks in this photo. Apparently, it's not cool for your mom to make you stop for pictures at the airport when you're 14 years old ;)

Anyway, Jerry and I had been planning to drive down (with Joey!) to Hilton Head for a couple of days as a surprise (to my parents and the kids), so Jerry had the entire week off of work. After talking about our plans with Brian and Becky, they suggested that we don't go down there. My mom had told them that they had plans to do a fishing charter and some other things that required reservations. I didn't want to mess up their plans with the kids, so we canceled our hotel reservation a couple of days prior.

Instead, we decided that since Jerry had the whole week off of work, we would surprise the kids by making over their bedrooms while they were gone. When I was helping Eli pack for the trip, I had the idea to widen his closet door. The closet is six feet wide, but the door was only two feet. It's always been frustrating to find clothes on each end of the closet and it was pretty much wasted space. By widening the door, we'd have access to everything much more easily.

Jerry did have to work Sunday before his week off, and I spent all day Sunday scraping the texture off of Eli's ceiling and widening the closet door. For the rest of the week, Jerry and I spent pretty much every spare moment working on the bedrooms. I'd thought it would only take us about four days total, but we were still scrambling to get everything done right up until the kids came home yesterday. (Unfortunately, it wasn't totally done... but they were completely surprised and they really liked what we did.)

The closets were the biggest change (along with the paint, which is obvious from the pictures below). I built shelves and hung dowels in the closets, which made a world of difference (both in how it looks but also in the amount of storage space. I still plan to paint the shelves, and I also need to add trim along the floorboards in the closets. After taking out part of the wall from Eli's closet, we were left with a couple of bare spots of carpet. So, Jerry took some leftover planks from the rest of the house and floored the closets with them. I love it!

These are the shelves I built at 5:00 yesterday morning. (Like I said, we were working until the very last minute). I also did some shelving for Noah's closet, but I didn't take a "before" photo of his closet because I wasn't planning to change it at first.

(I still have to hang the ceiling fans in their rooms)

Jerry and I actually had a lot of fun working on all of this. We listened to podcasts, chatted while we worked--and then ate Subway for dinner nearly every evening, hahaha. Eli is selling Subway coupons for baseball, and I was too exhausted to cook for just Jerry and me, so we took advantage of the "buy one get one free" coupons.

We did do a few fun things other than working on the kids' rooms all week, though. On Monday, Dave and Renee came over. They hadn't been over since we remodeled the house--and that's been a while. Renee invited us to their house to play Euchre with them and two other couples on Friday, so we did that as well. We drew cards to assign Euchre partners, and my partner was Dave. We ended up winning two out of three games!

Normally, I would have had a couple of drinks in that situation (everybody else was), but I brought my alcohol-free Heineken and honestly didn't even think of the fact that I wasn't drinking. It's getting easier and easier.

On Thursday, Jerry and I picked up Luke and took him to the Fox Theatre in Detroit to see a kids show called PJ Masks. It's apparently a live version of a kids TV show, which I know nothing about these days, but Luke likes it.

It was SO much fun for us to have some special time with Luke! He is absolutely adorable. He turned two years old last month, and he's in the phase where he asks questions non-stop. He especially likes to know what people are doing... "Dad doing?" "Eli doing?" "Joey doing?"

At the show, we bought him a light that spins around in circles (my mom bought each of my kids one at Sesame Street Live when they were little, and they loved them!). Luke spent just as much time playing with that as he did watching the show. He loved the songs, dancing and clapping along.

Jerry and I agreed that taking Luke out was the highlight of our week. Being an aunt is so much fun! Now that my kids are teenagers, I really wish I'd appreciated all of their younger years more than I did. The time goes by so so fast. As an aunt, I get to relive those days.

Anyway, I'm here. I'm alive. My anxiety isn't nearly as bad as it was a few weeks ago. This week is going to be all about getting back into a normal routine. It was rough this morning, waking up and getting the kids to school. I went for a long walk with my sister, who is in town for a few days, at the state park this morning. Now I have a LOT to catch up on--the laundry pile is ridiculous!

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Walking Plan (Week 1) and Wednesday Weigh-In

I have not had a great week. My anxiety is still sky high, even though I felt like cutting out the caffeine helped. I just don't understand it! There is absolutely no reason for the anxiety, but it's nearly constant for me now.

My eating was not so great this week, either, and I gained 1.6 pounds from last week. I'm still down three pounds from where I started a few weeks ago, but I'm certainly not going to make any more progress if I keep eating how I did this past week.

I guess I have been using the food to help with the anxiety, but it clearly doesn't--at all. I really need to go see my psychiatrist. I've been resisting changing anything with my meds because everything was working out SO WELL until a few months ago. I felt the best I had mentally in a long time--very stable.

The only thing that's really changed is that I stopped drinking. I had hoped that quitting drinking would make me feel BETTER, not worse. However, I've discovered from a couple of people who quit drinking that the first few months to a year can feel worse before it starts to get better. That's a long time to wait!

My goal for this sobriety journey was to go for a full year without drinking; so, hopefully, I'll start to feel the benefits of it before the year is up! Haha. I was hoping that I'd feel really great at the end of the year and it'll make me want to quit alcohol for good. I'm not saying that drinking will make things better--that's obviously not true--but I just wish that I felt the benefits of quitting already.

I'm going to keep this post relatively short, because even writing a blog post makes me anxious.

On a positive note, on Monday I started the Walking for Weight Loss Training Plan that I wrote. There are three "easy" walks per week and two walks with hard intervals. I have to say, the immediate benefit of this plan was that I didn't dread doing the walks like I did running. I like the thought of my easy walks being days where I don't have to worry about changing into workout clothes, showering right afterward, and working it into my day so I'd have extra time to do those things.

The first day was a 45 minute easy walk, and I did put on my heart rate monitor just to see what my heart rate looked like from walking versus running. I actually did this one on the treadmill, and I was able to text and look at Instagram and stuff like that while I was walking. The easy walks are meant to be truly easy, and it was.

I set the speed at (I think) 2.8 mph, which felt just right. My average heart rate was 115 bpm. My only goal was to keep it under 143 bpm, so I obviously did that. When I saw that my heart rate was so much lower than my aerobic target, I read up some more on MAF training and it said that the ideal range would be to train at that target or up to 10 bpm lower (so my ideal range would be 133-143 bpm).

On tomorrow's walk (30 minutes easy) I'll aim for that heart rate range and see how it feels (also, what speed is required to get it to that range). What feels "easy" as far as my exertion level probably won't get my heart rate into that zone; so, I'm going to do some more reading about what is ideal for walking rather than running.

On the speed work days (hard walking intervals), I did get my heart rate higher--but still nowhere near what I did when I was running. The first interval walk isn't accurate as far as my heart rate goes, because I wore a regular bra instead of a sports bra, and it somehow affected my heart rate strap. So, I can only base the numbers on the interval walk I did yesterday.

Yesterday's workout was: 10 minutes easy; then 6 x (2 min fast, 1 min easy); then 10 minutes easy for a cool down. (You'll see below that I only did 7 minutes for a cool down--for some reason, I was thinking I had to stop at 35:00 and not 38:00! My mistake.)

For each of the 2-min fast segments, my heart rate peaked at 152, 154, 157, 155, 156, and 155. On my warm-up and cool down, my heart rate was an average of 114 and 119 respectively. I was walking as fast as I possibly could during the 2-min segments--my pace was 12:53, 13:27, 13:10, 13:15, 13:26, and 13:36. (I had no idea I was capable of walking that fast.)

If I want to get my heart rate higher on the intervals, I'll probably need to use the treadmill and add incline. However, being in the 150's is still higher than my target of 143, so maybe that will be beneficial regardless. Like I said, I'll read some more about it.

Also, because the plan is only in the first week, the intervals are rather short. I'm sure that when I'm doing 4-5 minute intervals at a fast pace, my heart rate will get much higher at its peak.

This whole thing is so interesting to me because it's something I've not tried before. The 80/20 method of running worked SO WELL for training and for weight loss, and I am hoping that it works well for walking, too. But like I said, I'm basically testing this plan on myself right now, so I can't say exactly what is going to happen.

Also, I have to consider that I ate crappy this week, and the walking isn't going to make up for that. I'd really like to focus on eating well this week along with the walking. I hope that might help with the anxiety, too! Meanwhile, I'll see my psychiatrist and see what he thinks about making any changes with my meds.

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Relating to the People on My 600-lb Life (and why I think I may have been successful in dropping the weight)

Jerry and I recently became totally addicted to the show on Netflix called Ozark. Yesterday, Jerry was off work and we binge watched several episodes of season one. I'm super bummed that there are only two season so far! It's a great show--it reminds me a bit of Breaking Bad, only it focuses more on the money laundering than it does the drugs. And unfortunately, there is no Jesse Pinkman ;)

I've also been watching episodes of My 600-lb Life here and there (I swear I do things other than watch TV, haha!) and it's scary how much I can relate to the people on there. It makes me wonder why I was able to lose the weight even though I have the same food issues they do.

A lot of them had abusive childhoods--sexual, physical, and/or emotional--and in general, it sounds like that contributed to their overeating. Thankfully, I never experienced that abuse, but I do relate to so much of what they say about food. And a lot of their habits are familiar to me--either now or when I was obese.

One thing that I've noticed is that they have so many excuses, though. I promised myself from the very beginning that I wouldn't make excuses for my weight. I know that I became obese because I was choosing to overeat. The cravings and the temptation were SO uncomfortable and the only way to shut it up was to binge eat.

So why did I finally get it together and lose the weight? I honestly don't know why I could and those people can't. Or aren't willing to try hard enough.

Jerry and I were talking about it yesterday, and I think that a big part of my success is that social media wasn't really a big thing back then (in 2009). It was before people started getting very critical on social media outlets like Facebook. I honestly don't think I'd be able to do it if I had started today instead of back in 2009.

Everybody has an opinion of what we should eat, what we shouldn't eat, what diets are healthy, the best exercises for weight loss, how many calories are too much, how many calories are too little, and a trillion other things. I've been criticized for ALL OF IT:

I ate too many grapes which are just loaded with sugar (clearly, that wasn't a smart alternative from the WHOLE BOX of Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls I used to eat). Jerry, the kids, and I went out for frozen yogurt for a special dinner on Father's Day a few years ago and that clearly made me a horrible role model for my kids. I eat way too many calories. I eat way too few calories. I exercise too much. I don't exercise enough. My goal weight is too low. My goal weight is too high.

I've heard it all. And thank God I stopped getting upset by it and started just doing my own thing. Even if "my own thing" means gaining weight every year only to lose it again, it has worked so far (nine years and counting).

And today, I finally feel like I'm at the point where I just don't think that weight is that damn important. Yes, I want to get to a weight that makes me feel better, but I don't hate what I look like and I have more important things on my mind right now (my mental health, mainly).

Anyway back to the point... Before social media, people did things without reserve. They weren't worried about what others thought, because they never saw what others thought! It wasn't posted on blogs or Facebook or other social media. The harsh comments I've received over the years used to be very hurtful, and I highly doubt I would have continued losing weight if I had to deal with the anxiety of that.

So, I am grateful that I was able to do the majority of my journey before all of that.

Also, I keep in mind that nobody knows what is going through my mind. My mental illness makes me think differently than the average person. Having bipolar, I know what works for my skewed brain. And even though I am not at my goal weight right now, I've kept off 90-ish pounds for over 8 years. I'd say that's pretty damn successful.

In other news, I've been having some physical symptoms due to my anxiety/depression lately. I feel back to where I was a couple of years ago when I was going to physical therapy for my shoulder. I get very tight knots in my shoulder and neck. It's extremely painful, but Jerry helps work them out a bit. I have no idea if it's helping, but I like to think it is.

The mental stuff has had a big impact on my physical health. Other than the knots, my whole body aches. My heart has been racing and I constantly feel like a have a noose around my neck, strangling me. It's hard to swallow. I get dizzy a lot (something else that happens from anxiety). Now that I've discovered that the caffeine was a big culprit for anxiety, I am hoping that the physical symptoms will start to improve.

Anyway, this was a huge tangent on what my bringing up My 600-lb Life was for. During the trillion ads that TLC shows on their app, I noticed one for alcohol-free Heineken. Heineken was my very favorite beer! Since I quit drinking, I haven't tried non-alcoholic beers because they are hard to find around here and I just don't really care that much about beer.

When I saw the commercial, though, I got very excited. I told Jerry that we have to find it! And interestingly, the party store (convenience store) that we walk to in our neighborhood happens to carry it. I was shocked! But one of the employees that works there doesn't drink alcohol, and he loves it, so he continues to stock it.

Anyway, Jerry picked some up as a surprise, and I saved it for a special treat last night. I was really hoping it would taste like Heineken...

And it does!

If you gave me the 0.0% Heineken in a regular Heineken bottle, I would not know the difference. Honestly. I was thrilled to find a go-to drink that I can "BYOB" when we go to friends' houses and still feel like I fit in a bit. Honestly, people probably wouldn't even notice that it's alcohol-free because the bottle looks similar to the regular Heineken beer bottle.

So, I decided to have one each evening as a special treat. And the non-alcoholic Heineken only has 69 calories! I've been craving vegetables lately, which is odd, but I'm going with it; so, I will have some veggies and hummus for a snack at night with my NA beer. I went grocery shopping today and bought several healthy foods--stuff for fruit salad, and veggies to have with hummus.

Tonight, I made a Southwest Chicken Salad, and it was delicious! I can't remember the last time I ate salad. I go through phases--sometimes I hate salad (most of the time, actually), but sometimes I crave it. Lately, it has sounded really good!

I also started working on writing a walking program today. I know that I am a running coach, but I think that this walking plan I'm working on can be very helpful for getting in good shape as well as weight loss. It's similar to my 10K training (which helped me get to my lowest weight) but I adapted it for walking on the treadmill. (It could be done outside as well, but I'm focusing on the treadmill to use the incline).

I will experiment with it on myself and if it goes how I hope, then I'll get it all ready to post here. I figured that since I'm not able to stick to a running plan right now, what is wrong with walking? Nothing! Walking is a great way to exercise, especially if throwing in some tougher walking workouts. I used to feel like switching from running to walking would be taking a big step back and I wouldn't feel good about that. Now, I think that a walking program is very respectable. And it would be a nice change of pace.

Since I always do better with a schedule, just saying that I'll walk 30 minutes a day won't work well. I need a schedule to follow. The plan I'm writing is 12 weeks, and it'd be fun to work on, especially as the weather warms up. I'll still do most of my walks on the treadmill, probably, but I'll likely do my long walks and easy walks outside. I'll keep you posted on the progress!

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