Wednesday Weigh-In: Week 113

Clearly, Jerry picked out this shirt for me--we saw it at Goodwill and he was super bummed it was a men's small, so he asked me if I'd wear it. Hahaha, sure--I'll humor him. I put very very thin elastic around the bottom of it so that it doesn't just hug my hips and butt. I like shirts to sit comfortably at hip level, so I actually do this to a lot of my shirts.

Just as I sat down to write this, a huge storm came out of nowhere (I'm sure it wasn't out of nowhere; I just never look at the weather app). I love to watch storms and I was watching the fruit trees in the front yard blowing hard from the wind. Then suddenly, the dead tree across the street just snapped in half and the top half fell to the road, shattering like a piece of glass. It was really cool to watch! Although, now we will have to clean it up when the storm stops (by "we" I mean Jerry, of course.)

I mentioned a few days ago that I've been going through a pretty bad depressive episode recently. I know I sound like a broken record, but I've been super overwhelmed for nearly a year now and my moods definitely affect the way I eat.

This past week, however, I've been working on maintaining a routine--I want to stay consistent in my eating habits regardless of my moods. I think this will really help me with maintenance (something I've never been able to do for very long). Usually, when my mood changes, so do my eating habits--and it's hard to maintain (or lose) weight.

I focused a lot on eating good, healthy food this week (lots of vegetables). My favorite was when Jerry made his Beans & Greens. I *love* it and it's such a comfort food for me. Jerry likes to make that when I'm having really bad days and it definitely makes me feel better!

I haven't been snacking at night, mainly because I've been keeping my hands busy with sewing. I used to sew *everything* by machine because why sew by hand when you can do it in a fraction of the time with a machine? I had to sew thick denim one day and it messed up my machine; so I sewed that part by hand. And now I love it! I still use my machine for most things, but there is something really relaxing about sitting in bed at night and hand sewing. Usually I listen to a podcast, too.

Anyway, as far as my weigh-in goes, I had another loss this week:

I was at 134.6 today--which is inside of my "happy range"! I like to be closer to 130, but the range I'm aiming to stay in for actual maintenance (if I ever figure it out!) is 125-135.

I've definitely felt the difference in my clothes, which is nice. I'm getting more and more physically comfortable, and I don't have to do a "jeans dance" to get into my jeans that are just out of the dryer. I'm sure you know the dance I'm talking about? Squatting several times and moving around, bending every which way to get the jeans to sit right? Maybe it's just me ;)

It's funny, though--a lot of the clothes that I altered for myself just a couple of months ago are feeling a little big--and I haven't even worn some of them yet! I'm going to try to put together a post of before and afters of the clothes I've been working on.

Since so many of you said you really liked the overalls I posted about last week, I worked up the nerve to wear them out. And not just OUT--I went to my brother's summer party with about 150 people! Go big or go home, right?

I felt kind of very self-conscious at first, but I can't even count the number of compliments people gave me on them! It boosted my self-esteem (which was much needed). And it gave me the opportunity to meet and converse with several new people (something that usually gives me horrible anxiety). I am really glad I ended up wearing them. And now I feel confident about working on more fun clothes :)

Anyway, I'm happy with how the week went as far as my habits and routine (and especially stepping out of my comfort zone at the party). I wish I could say that I no longer feel depressed, but we all know that's not something you can just flip a switch and feel back to normal. It's like telling a pitcher to throw strikes!

I've always loved this meme ;)  (And seriously, the meme rabbit hole is the BEST for pulling me out of a sad mood.)

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Light Therapy

I wish I could get out of this funk already, but lately, I am just NOT feeling my best mentally. I won't keep writing about how I feel incredibly overwhelmed or switching meds or anything anymore--it's getting redundant--but I can't think of another reason I've been feeling depressed.

Remember a couple of years ago, I bought a light therapy lamp out of sheer desperation to get rid of my depressive episode? I was SO skeptical because I usually don't go for the "natural" way of doing things. Give me meds! Hahaha. But nothing was working, so I decided to try out a "light therapy lamp", despite the fact that I didn't feel like my depression was from "seasonal affective disorder" (a type of depression that happens in the colder months, when the sun is rarely out).

Well, the joke was totally on me, because I couldn't believe how much better I felt after just using it for an hour in the morning! I felt more energetic and my mood was much lighter. (Here is the post I wrote about it, which also has a link to the lamp that I have.)

I had actually forgotten about the lamp and didn't use it at all for a long time. I just pulled it out again a few days ago, and found it really funny that Estelle is clearly feeling the "winter blues" as well. The second I turned the therapy light on, Estelle came over and planted herself right in front of it. Where she stayed for about an hour!

It doesn't give off heat or anything, so I have no idea why she was so attracted to it. It's SUPER bright, so I'm surprised she even wanted to get that close to it. *I* don't even look right at it when I turn it on! Estelle loves it, though--I put it on another time and she made herself comfy in front of it again.

Cats are hilarious how they each have their quirks. Before we got Duck and Chick, Estelle was the very quirky one--like Duck--but now, there is no comparison. Duck has more quirks than any cat I've ever seen. Still, it was funny to discover a new quirk of this old lady (she's about 14 now!)--I can't believe it.

Hopefully, I'll have more to write tomorrow. I just haven't been feeling it lately!

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Therapy

I don't have any transformations to post for Transformation Tuesday, which is a bummer! I still keep thinking it's Monday, though--holiday weekends always confuse me the following week. Today has been a long and exhausting day. I just got home from cross country practice and just as I thought, the kids were very excited about the fun donations to our team. After they ran today (speed and hills!) they did a six-legged race, which was so funny. (I'll post more about cross country later this week.)

I don't remember if I mentioned this already, but I decided to start going to therapy again. I know I keep writing about feeling super overwhelmed and I don't mean to sound cryptic; I was just hit with several big things at once (like the disaster in my bathroom/bedroom). That is still moving along, just very slowly.

I worry about my dad a lot because his health hasn't been good. My mom went to my sister's for a few days and she's usually the one that pushes my dad to go to the hospital or get tests done or things like that (my dad is stubborn and would probably never have gone to a doctor on his own). While she was gone, my dad got very faint a few times and he actually fell down five times in three days. He hit his head a couple of times, which is why my mom made him go to the ER when she got home.

Thankfully, the CT scans were fine; but it doesn't resolve his low blood pressure causing him to feel faint and fall. I know exactly what he's talking about when he describes it, because it's the same thing that happened to me when I fainted and broke my jaw. I also fainted and hit my head a few years ago. I have low blood pressure like my dad and I feel faint frequently when I stand up from a sitting or lying down position.

As if that wasn't enough for him, when he went to the ER, he tested positive for COVID, too! Anyway, I'm always worried about him now. He's got a lot of health issues going on at once and there really isn't a solution. He's tired of doctors and tests and I don't blame him at all.

To write about the other stuff I'm dealing with would invade others' privacy so I can't write about it--and that's actually why I chose to find a therapist. To top it off, my psychiatrist is retiring in December and I only have one more session with him. I really like him so I hope he can recommend someone that's a good fit for me.

Today was my first appointment with the new therapist and I'm glad I made the decision to go. I'll see her weekly for a little bit and then every other week and/or as needed. As you know, I'm passionate about mental health. I always tell people that finding a therapist is like dating--you might have to see several before you find one that you click with. Thankfully, I really liked her (I'll call her "A") and I'd like to keep seeing her. 

While this post comes off as a downer, I didn't mean for it to--today was a really great day. Better than I've had in a long time, actually--Jerry even mentioned noticing it before he left for work. And it will be even better when I eat some of the hash I made before I left for practice! I'm starving--you know, from watching kids run up and down a hill and yelling at them to keep going ;) 

I know I haven't been posting the daily "random fact" calendar tidbits, but today's was perfect for this post:

There is nothing wrong with seeking help for mental health, and I hope that by writing about it, there will be less of a stigma and more people will feel comfortable talking openly about it as well. I always feel vulnerable when writing about it, but mental health/illness is so important and I don't think it's something people should feel ashamed of.

Okay, I'm going to go heat up some hash and then hit the hay ;)

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A Downer of a Post

I don't have a new picture for this post, so here is another from the webcam on Friday when I was writing my blog post. When I don't pay enough attention to Duck (like when I'm trying to type) he pushes his paws on my face until I pet him and look at him.

I've been feeling like a wreck for 10 days now. Just when I thought all was going to get back to normal and Duck was healing from his surgery, I woke up at 3:30 AM today when Duck sneezed in my face. He never sneezes, and I thought it was weird. Then he started sneezing several more times.

In between sneezes, he was making an odd sound--not a cough, really, but almost like clearing his throat. And he would partially open his mouth, like you do when you're waiting to sneeze. The noise sounded almost like something was irritating his nose or throat, making him sneeze. He seemed fine, otherwise, but I was getting pretty worried about the noises.

I called the vet (and of course, it's Sunday! They are closed.) I wasn't sure it warranted a trip to the emergency vet hospital in Toledo (if he was struggling to breathe, I would have gone in an instant), so I thought hard about what it could be.

The only thing that came to mind was that maybe it's a hairball. Remember how he wormed his way out of this recovery garment a couple of days ago and had totally groomed himself spotless? Since he hadn't groomed himself in a week, I'm sure there was a lot of fur that he swallowed.

I went to PetSmart to buy a product for hairballs (it's a gel that you squeeze a little onto their paw and then they lick it off (because apparently, chicken-flavored gel tastes good to cats). It kind of lubricates the hairball to get it moving.

I had another mini-breakdown today. All of this has been too much to deal with over the past 10 days. (And I know that there are people who have it MUCH worse than a sick cat; I just mean that relative to my own regular stressors, this has been at the top.)

I just feel so SAD. I hate to use the word 'depressed', because I don't know if this is an actual bipolar episode or not--maybe I'll feel completely better once Duck is better. But I am definitely feeling depressed right now. I've tried making myself go do other things to take my mind off of Duck for a little while, but I can't get him off my mind and I hate to leave his side. He needs help getting up and down because he's still having a problem with his incision and I want it to totally heal.

Today, I asked Eli to come sit with him for a little bit so that I could go start some laundry, clean out the litter boxes, start the dishwasher, and stuff like that. I even tried to go work on a project in the garage, but I just couldn't get excited about it. Usually my little workshop in the garage is my happy place!

I know that a huge part of the problem is that I don't get any sleep. I've had insomnia for as long as I can remember and nothing helps--and I've tried it all. I think I would just feel so much better if I could manage to get more than 3-4 hours of sleep (and my 3-4 hours is always interrupted at least a few times). When my rheumatologist said to me that the best thing I can do for fibromyalgia is to get a good eight-hours sleep at night, I literally laughed and then burst into tears in a matter of seconds, haha. If she only knew what I wouldn't give for a good night's sleep. 

I'm also really upset with myself about totally slacking on my recent weight loss. I was doing SO good for months and I felt like nothing could stop me--but right now, it's just so hard to even care. I feel like it's super trivial to think about when I would give anything for Duck to get better and be back to his normal self. He used to be super vocal, chatting with me all day long; other than in the car on the way home from the vet, he hasn't meowed at all.

Sorry this is such a downer of a post. I just need one really GOOD day where nothing seems to go wrong so I can recharge. Jerry has a week and a half off of work over Christmas, which should be something to look forward to, but after the past 10 days, the holidays just seem more stressful than anything else. It bothers me because Jerry LOVES Christmas and I have been the biggest downer ever so far this month.

I wish that "snapping out of it" was something that people could actually do! I need some Grinch pajamas--a onesie. That would totally fit my mood AND make me appear to be in the Christmas spirit, haha.

Anyway, I'm going cuddle with Duck and watch Wentworth (a show on Netflix I recently became addicted to). I *really* hope he's doing better tomorrow; if not, it's another trip to the vet.

EDIT: Almost immediately after I wrote this, Duck's breathing was really scaring me. I noticed that every time I petted him by his ribs, he would open his mouth a bit like he was waiting to sneeze. And then if I didn't stop petting, he actually did sneeze.

Then, of course, I do some googling and I'm convinced he's dying of edema of some sort. So, I once again packed him up in the car and we went to MedVet in Toledo (an emergency hospital for animal$). I was amazed at the care there. When they sent an intern out to get Duck from the car, she actually said I could go inside and stay with him if I'd like, but the appointment was going to be 4-5 hours long(!!).

I hesitated, wondering what to do (was this really an emergency?) and she said she'd be happy to check him out in the car and see if she thinks we should stay. I showed her the papers from the other vet and she examined him. She said she definitely does not feel like it's an emergency--his heart and lungs sound clear, everything looks good, he's eating and all that. So she said she felt 100% confident that we could wait and just call the other vet in the morning (if he's still having the problem).

I was so relieved to hear this. She was exactly the kind of reassuring person I needed to talk to tonight. (And funnily enough, she actually has two cats named after Friends characters too! She loved the Duck and Chick names.) AND, the best part? I wasn't even charged for the exam! I was dreading the bill from this visit (if I'd ended up staying) because the emergency room status makes the price much higher. 

Okay, so I'll at least feel better about this until morning. I was just terrified that if I didn't take him in, something horrible would happen during the night and I would really regret not going.

(I've been taking anxiety meds every single day this week and I'm still this much of a mess.)

EDIT Monday morning: Duck was NOT doing well this morning. Hiding, no interest in food or water, just not being even close to himself. I took him to the vet (again) and his temp was 105.9!! That is super high. Now he will be spending the next two nights in the hospital.

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Trying Out a Light Therapy Lamp

I did another bike ride today instead of C25K and walking, because my toe is still painful, but it's feeling a LOT better than it did a few days ago! It was hard to make myself go out to ride my bike today, though, because it's so cold. Yesterday it was in the 50's and then today I saw snow flurries. I can't wait for the weather to warm up! I miss opening all the garage doors and working on projects out there.

I mentioned yesterday that I've been in a really good mood recently. I've been working on healthier habits--not just diet and exercise, but sleep, more positive thinking, drinking lots of water, less procrastinating, and things like that. I always thought positive affirmations were kind of hokey, but I even decided to give those a try.

I also decided to finally try out a "light therapy lamp". This is another thing that sounded kind of ridiculous to me, even though several people have commented on past posts that I should try it. Light therapy lamps are meant to simulate sunlight, which helps people with seasonal depression (or "winter blues") from lack of sunlight.

I've always loved overcast weather and you will never find me lying in the sun. I just don't enjoy being outside in the sun. Until a few years ago, I always thrived during the fall and winter as far as depression goes. In retrospect, I would usually get hypomanic in the fall and then depressed in the spring. Since starting my medication for bipolar, however, things have changed.

I've been feeling depressed in the winter months and somewhat-hypomanic in the summer. The hypomania is nothing like it used to be before my meds, thankfully, but the depression can get bad. I've been trying to look for patterns to figure out something to help, and I finally decided to give the light therapy a try. It can't hurt! (There are no UV rays on the one I bought.)

I wasn't sure which one to buy, so I just went with the #1 bestseller on Amazon, which was this one (Amazon affiliate link). [Update: The original link I had was broken. This link goes to the one that is closest to what I have. Surprisingly, it's super cheap compared to a lot of others!] This is what it looks like:

I got the light therapy lamp last week and was very skeptical, but like I said--no harm in trying. I sat down in the morning to read my book and I turned the therapy light on, placing it at about the 10:00 position from where I was sitting. It's VERY bright (it comes with three settings, and I used the brightest, of course--I'm kind of an all-or-nothing person, if you hadn't noticed, haha). At first, I thought, "This looks nothing like sunlight!" but I found that as I was reading my book, the light didn't feel so "fake".

And, most shocking to me, I actually felt really good. I got a burst of energy and I cleaned the heck out of my closet (bagging up all of the clothes that are too small). I prepped dinner so that it would be easy to cook later. I even put together the sourdough starter to make Amish Friendship Bread. I didn't attribute the energy to the light therapy at that point, though--I just assumed it was a coincidence.

Over the last several days, I've used it for about an hour each morning while I read... and I am 100% convinced that it has helped my mood. Jerry even asked me why I was so "chipper" today, hahaha. Being in a better mood in general helps with so many other things and it makes the healthy habits I've been working on feel that much easier.

I think it's too early to say for sure that my good mood is due to the therapy lamp, but I am pretty convinced. I'm definitely nowhere near as skeptical as I was before. I'm going to continue to use it and see how it goes. (Feel free to say "I told you so!" ;)  I really wish I'd tried it years ago.)

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Feeling Depressed (Possible PMDD?)

Little Duck has been sleeping next to me in the mornings occasionally... I think he knows how much I need that!

I don't know what my deal has been for the past few days, but I have just NOT been in a good mood at all. I felt extremely depressed for a couple of days, and today has been very hot and cold. Last month, when I talked to my psychiatrist about these swings, I thought out loud whether it might have something to do with my menstrual cycles. 

I've never had major PMS symptoms--when I was in high school and college, my friends and roommates would complain about PMS. But I never felt any different! Over the last several years, however, I've noticed some symptoms here and there. 

My psychiatrist told me to start keeping track of my moods and periods to see if there is a correlation, because to diagnose PMDD, my OB/GYN needs at least three months worth of info. Regardless, the treatment is usually an antidepressant (hello, old friend) and I would hate to start taking one and change up my med schedule. On the other hand, I've occasionally been going through terrible periods of depression for just a few days at a time. Even though it doesn't last long, it's REALLY bad when it happens.

Nothing drastic has happened with me recently, so there is no reason for me to feel as bad as I have been. My stupid American Eagle coat hasn't arrived yet, which is stressing me out (stupid, yes, but I'm irrationally upset). It was scheduled for delivery on Jan. 22nd, then updated to say it would arrive on the 23rd instead. That was the last update from USPS. It's been nine days without an update, so I'm assuming it was lost in the mail. You know how badly I wanted that coat!

Meanwhile, I found another coat on Poshmark that I really wanted (not for walking, but more for just going out and about in the winter. I bought mine (shown below) for super cheap at a garage sale, but it's a size medium. Here it is when I was at my goal weight (not exactly a good picture, but you get the idea):

Since I can't fit into it anymore, I looked it up on Poshmark. Found it, bought it. Then a day later, was told the order was canceled because the seller said it was damaged by paint. Ugh! I ordered another ($20 more expensive) from a different seller, but this is my last shot. I haven't heard back yet, but I am really hoping that it will work out.

Regardless, I've just lost any faith at all in Poshmark! Order #1: Arrived smelling like mildew. Order #2: Still "lost in the mail". Order #3: Seller never responded, eventually the order was refunded. Order #4: Received running jacket as described, worked out well. Order #5: Canceled, item was damaged. Order #6: Hoping that it will be shipped!

I'm most disappointed by the American Eagle coat! I wrote about it on my blog several times, so you know it means a lot to me. I just hope that it isn't truly "lost" in the mail. Where the heck does all of the lost mail wind up, anyway?! That would be a fun place to work.

So, I still have no winter coat--just the one that I've been using to get by.

Today, my mood still wasn't great. I took Joey out for his walk and we only got about a block away before he pulled on the leash and nearly made me fall on my butt (it's super snowy/icy right now). I turned right around, dropped him off at home, and then walked by myself. I felt guilty, so I only walked 2.25 miles with out him, planning to go again later.

I didn't head out again until after Jerry left for work--around 5:20 pm. Noah and Eli actually came with me! I wish I could say it was out of the goodness of their hearts, but it's because I'd given them a mandatory chore of walking Joey one mile a day--no matter what. It was more for their sake than Joey's. With COVID making everything so unstructured anymore, they haven't gotten any exercise with sports and they've gotten lazy (to put it nicely).

In order to receive their allowances, they have to walk Joey one mile a day (together, separately, it doesn't matter). I don't want them to think I'm prescribing walking as a punishment, so the chore is to "walk Joey" and not "go for a walk". 

Noah is too cool to really walk "with" me, but he tagged along with Eli and me while we walked Joey this evening. I had already walked 2.25 this morning, so I needed to walk 2.75 to hit my 5-mile goal. The boys actually agreed to come with me for the evening walk! I told them that when we hit half a mile, they could turn around and go home, but I had to keep going.

Eli, who actually seemed to be enjoying the walk with me! ;)

At around 1.7 miles, Noah turned to head home. Eli stopped at the party store ("convenience store" as most people call it, I think... "party store" is a midwest thing) and I kept going. A little while later, Eli caught up with Joey and me, so I was happy that he continued to walk with me. (Eli's super sweet like that--I'm sure he didn't want to, but he's a people-pleaser for sure).

It got dark fast. By the time I walked back onto my street, the street lamps were on. The roads were SUPER slippery from ice and packed snow, so my speed was ridiculously slow. When we change the clocks again due to Daylight Savings, I will definitely take advantage of staying out a little later and walking in the evenings. Right now, though, it's best that I stick to mornings.

I'm actually ready to add a little running into my routine, but I'll write about that sometime this week. I miss running--I never thought I'd say that!--and I feel ready. Even if it's a mile a week, it's better than nothing. :) 

This is kind of random, but if you have PMDD and don't mind sharing about it, what have you experienced? How have you treated it? I don't know if that's what's going on with me, but if it is, I'm curious about what happens next!

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A Mental Health Day

Yesterday was a much needed mental health day from the blog. It's usually when I'm having a hard time with depression/anxiety that I feel the most vulnerable and sensitive. Things that usually roll right off my back suddenly seem to steam roll me and make me feel like I just can't say or do anything right.

I'm not saying that I'm suddenly "better" and feeling great, but I really needed to take a break from writing yesterday. At least then I couldn't say something "wrong", hahaha. 

I'm so glad that I have my walk streak going, because now I just don't want to end the streak. I really REALLY didn't want to walk yesterday--I was just feeling so bad about myself--but I didn't want to ruin the streak, so I went out anyways. And I always feel better when I'm walking.

This was DEFINITELY me on my walk yesterday morning! Haha:

It's kind of interesting--I've actually started talking with a woman who lives halfway through my five-mile route. She has a black German Shepherd named Roomba (I think I mentioned Roomba before, when she ran after Joey and me and her "dad" had to come get her). Anyway, one day when I was walking Joey, Roomba came running up to us--although acting very skittish--and after a few minutes, felt comfortable enough to play with Joey. 

So, I let Joey off leash to play with Roomba, and Roomba's "mom" and I chatted. I introduced myself and she told me her name was Melissa. The whole way home, I kept thinking that I KNEW her but I just couldn't remember exactly how or what her last name was. I was pretty sure I knew her from high school, so when I got home, I looked through my old yearbooks. I didn't seen anyone who looked familiar with that name, so it still bugged me.

I saw her again a week or so later, and while the dogs were playing, I mentioned how familiar she looked. It turns out that we graduated not only from the same school, but in the same class! (My school was very small, so everyone pretty much knew everyone.) When she told me her maiden name, I immediately remembered her. I think she was a cheerleader and a part of the more "popular" clique than I was ;) 

I've seen her a couple more times, and it's been nice chatting with her. She and her husband rescued Roomba from a woman who was breeding German Shepherds and apparently, people weren't buying them once the whole COVID pandemic started, so she "had no use" for Roomba and wanted "to get rid of her". How sad is that?!

Roomba had spent her life thus far in a dog crate, being used for breeding. It's been amazing to see the change in her just since the first time I saw her a couple of months ago. She was extremely skittish and sudden movements made her jump and run away. Now, she goes crazy when she sees Joey and they chase after each other. I love it!

It was hilarious a couple of days ago when Joey and I walked by. Roomba ran over to us and they started playing. Being a German Shepherd, Roomba is MUCH faster than Joey (a lab/chow). They started running laps around Roomba's house. First, Joey was chasing Roomba... and then he just got farther and farther behind.

Eventually, Roomba came up behind him, totally lapping him, and they both looked so confused! Hahaha. I really need to get a picture of them playing. Seeing two black rescue dogs play and be SO happy is extremely heart-warming.

My token PSA: I only mention that they are black dogs because black dogs are the least likely to be adopted out! It's so sad. That's one of the reasons we chose Joey, as well as why we chose to adopt the kittens, Chick and Duck--both solid black as well. So, if you're looking for a pet... PLEASE choose one from a shelter or rescue organization; but also, consider adopting a black dog or cat. They need love, too :)

Anyway...

Today, I finally picked up the game I'd ordered from Target--Ticket to Ride (Amazon affiliate link). We don't have a Target nearby, otherwise I would have gone sooner. Thank you so much to those of you that recommended it! We LOVED playing it. Jerry and I played a game first to understand it, and then the kids played a game with us.

I don't know if it's just the lighting, or what, but Jerry's face is extra creepy in this picture!

I was a little overwhelmed when I was reading the directions, but once we got started, it was super simple. I love that you really have to work on strategy, though! It's not a simple game of chance. The kids liked the game and said they'd play it again (which is their best "teen" way of showing approval) but Jerry and I really loved it as a two-player game as well. It was much harder with four people! I came in dead-last ;)

I was cracking up at how we organized our train cars. Mine were the yellow ones and Jerry's were the black ones. Based on our personalities, one would think it'd be the opposite when you look at their organization!

I added to my wishlist a couple of other games that were recommended by readers as well. I've been on a big board game kick lately with this COVID lockdown.

Anyway, I'm feeling better today (thank you for the nice comments on Instagram!). Just a reminder for us all:

And as always... BE KIND!

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Wordless

 

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Crying on the Beach (Why the sudden sadness?!)

Today was just a bad day in general. The morning was, anyway.

When I woke up this morning, I (again) was shocked that I slept through the night. I never sleep all night! I'm so grateful for the deep sleep.

However, I just felt very sad this morning for no reason at all. I hesitate to call it a depressive episode because it's only been a day, but I had no reason to feel upset--I just was. I was crying to Jerry (God bless him for being so patient!) and I tried to explain how I was feeling.

I really wasn't in the mood to go for my five mile walk because I'm just not able to really get into my current audiobook (I'm about halfway through it). However, after a lot of procrastinating (in the form of just sitting on the couch with my head in my hands), I finally decided to go. Joey and I headed out on our usual route. I was still crying, so I tried to keep my head low and avoid looking at passing cars.

About half a mile in, Joey was flipping out because some unknown dogs were outside and he went nuts. I didn't have the patience for it today. Usually, I am understanding and I let him "act like a dog", but today I just didn't want to deal with it. So I turned and headed home to drop Joey off. I wanted a walk that was just for myself.

I dropped Joey off and put on a hoodie to cover my face (red and puffy from crying). I also left my earphones at home. I kept my head down as I started walking, listening to nothing but my thoughts. I just allowed myself to get lost in those thoughts while I walked. At one point, I got to a small path to access to a tiny little beach area. I decided to go there, and I sat on a rock. I stopped my Garmin and I literally sat there for almost an hour, staring at the lake and crying.

I sent a text message to a couple of friends because they "get it" when it comes to my mood. It was very helpful--I'm so glad I texted them! I sat at the beach for almost an hour before I finally got up and decided to finish my five mile walk. 

With my hoodie pulled over my face as far as it would go, I wanted avoid eye contact with the "regulars" I see on my walks. I just walked... staring down at my feet. I was also continuing to text one of my friends, who really helped me to feel better.

I don't know why I was so upset and I wish these episodes didn't happen. I'm going to talk to my psychiatrist about it at my appointment next month. These episodes aren't happening often enough to make an "emergency" appointment, but they are worth talking about when I see him.

I've been feeling so much pressure lately--and I'm sure it's MYSELF that is putting me under pressure--that I've not been a good wife, parent, sister, daughter, aunt, friend, blogger. There are so many roles I want to play perfectly and it's just not possible.

Hopefully that makes sense.

Anyway, by the time I finished my walk and my text chat, I was much better. 

I can't call this a depressive episode because it hasn't lasted long enough. It just feels bad. I want to feel normal again. I wrote down every single thing I needed from Lowe's, including the cuts I needed them to make in the plywood, and I planned to go buy the supplies today. However, even after getting my shoes on to head out the door, I talked myself out of it. 

Jerry is off this weekend, so I (again) plan to go to Lowe's and have Jerry help me with the plywood. Once I start working on the nightstands we need, I'll feel a lot better--I'm sure of it. It'll keep me busy all day long where I can't even think of anything else. I miss having a long-term project at home.

I only write all of this because it's the truth. I know a lot of you prefer that I write the TRUTH about how I'm feeling instead of just posting about the positives of my life. It's really hard to be vulnerable, but I've learned through the years that when I post something vulnerable, there are SO many people who feel the same way. And hearing from those people makes me feel better that I'm not alone.

I'm definitely feeling better than I did this morning, but I know that my depressive mood is just in hibernation. It always comes out when I least expect it. I'm really glad to have a couple of friends who truly understand how I feel. Jerry is always understanding and willing to listen, but sometimes I really need an outsider.

Anyway, Jeanie (my sister) asked me today if I could make a few scrub caps for her for work. She's working closely with COVID patients and she (and her coworkers) can use all the caps they can get. I plan to make a few, but if any of you are "seamstresses" (ahem--if you sew) and you're willing to make some for Jeanie and her coworkers, please let me know and I'll give you the address to send them. It's crazy to see what she has to wear for work! (Jeanie is on the right)

This is a photo of the cap she bought from a coworker:

I can make some, but she said that the therapists and nurses can REALLY use them instead of wearing the "hairnet" type coverings, so I can't make that many. She said that all of the RN's and therapists would be so grateful for them (she's an occupational therapist). So even if you're able to make just one, it'll get good use! Here is a good free pattern. (Just email me at Katie (at) runsforcookies (dot) com for the address to send them.)

COVID is getting worse in Michigan and it's looking like the schools are going to close again. I just want all this to be over with!

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A Couple of Relatable Mental Illness Documentaries

So last night, I finished watching the documentary "Overcoming Depression: Mind Over Marathon" on Amazon Prime. It's a two-part series about 10 people (in England) who have various mental illnesses--anxiety, depression, PTSD, OCD--and they train together to run a marathon. 

They are guided by a therapist, running coaches (not the hardcore type of trainers you see on weight loss shows making them work out for eight hours a day--just "regular" coaches who help them train), and a nutritionist.

I really liked the first episode, which introduced them and their stories. One woman, in particular, really had a heartbreaking story and I just wanted to hug her. She had a very young son (I don't remember his age, but he was crawling). He got sick and died very very quickly. It didn't go into the details of how he died, but it was too late to save him before he even reached the hospital by ambulance.

The woman's husband was so distraught by the tragedy that he took his own life just four days later, leaving her with their remaining children. Even though all of the medical personnel agreed that there was nothing more she could have done for her son, she blamed herself and became very depressed.

She still had to take care of her other kids, so she was just doing everything on autopilot. While speaking to the therapist, she broke down and started crying, then apologized for it and said she "never" loses her composure like that. I felt so bad that she was carrying that burden around all the time. As a parent, I can absolutely understand that feeling of blaming yourself for something happening to your child--even if it's not your fault. (Not saying that I know her pain, because losing a child must be unimaginably horrific; but I can understand the feeling of blaming yourself.)

Anyway, this documentary wasn't a "I have depression, and now I'm going to do everything the trainer tells me and I'm going to feel so much better and run a marathon and life is great!" (Actually, that sounds like my bipolar self, hahaha). I liked that their journeys were real and relatable (as someone with mental illness). 

There was one man who ultimately decided not to train for the marathon because of his anxiety, but he did manage to get on a train to go cheer the others on (going on a train was a huge deal for him--his anxiety over it was terrible). 

It's SO hard to describe to someone what mental illness feels like. Anxiety is a horrible feeling to live with, especially when it's generalized anxiety and there is no "reason" for it. It's just there. Listening to the people on the documentary describe their feelings was so interesting because they put into words things that I feel and it helps me to know that there are other people who "get it".

One thing that I really loved about this documentary is that it wasn't totally focused on this one end goal of running a marathon. Yes, that was the plan, but the main focus was using running to help fight mental illness. When I exercise regularly, it definitely helps with my anxiety. When I am going through a depressive episode, however, the depression makes it extremely difficult to exercise. 

I won't spoil the ending about who completes the marathon and all that. I wouldn't say that the film was amazing and fantastic and go watch it right now, but it was refreshing--refreshing to have real people share about their mental illnesses on camera and working on a real-life goal.

---

After watching "Overcoming Depression", Amazon Prime suggested a documentary to me called "Of Two Minds" and it's all about bipolar disorder. It it's a feature length doc where people with bipolar disorder describe their experiences and how bipolar affects their lives.

I really liked this doc! Again, I love that people put into words the way that I feel and have a hard time describing. 

It's a film that I think people with bipolar would enjoy, but more so, a film that people with bipolar would like their friends and/or family to watch so that they can understand the disorder, too.

Of Two Minds was also great because it showed the humor that many of us can find in mental illness. I know it sounds so weird, but I do find humor in the quirks I have, and my "craziness". I don't want people tip-toeing around it--call me crazy! It's okay. I am totally crazy sometimes. 

If I'm watching a movie with the family and someone does something "crazy" that sounds like something I'd do, I'll say, "ME!" and then Jerry and the kids laugh because they know it's true. I LOVE funny memes about mental illness--it actually makes me feel better to see them because I know that others have a lot of the "quirks" that I do! (Here is a post of 100 of my favorite memes about mental illness).

---

Anyway, those are two documentaries I've watched over the last couple of days. I love documentaries, and seeing these ones that I could relate to so much was great!

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Mental Health Struggles

After several months of having a very stable mood, I've gotten really emotional lately--up and down much more frequently. Usually, a hypomanic state can last for months for me; the same with depression. Lately, however, my mood has been shifting so much--sometimes within a single day.

Sometimes I think I'm hypomanic, feeling fantastic, only to feel legitimately depressed just a day later. I was supposed to see my psychiatrist last month, but with the quarantine, he wasn't seeing patients. So, I have an appointment in a couple of weeks, and I can talk to him about it then.

Even with bipolar medications, it's typical for people with bipolar to have periods of hypomania and depression--just not as severe or as frequent. And that's been accurate for me ever since I was diagnosed and started the meds in 2017.

I haven't been feeling the major extremes of either emotion, but I'm definitely noticing the abnormal ups and downs. Not knowing what kind of mood I'm going to be in, and switching from laughing to crying within a single conversation, is pretty exhausting.

Also, I had my anxiety under control for a long time (still feeling it--it'll never go away completely-- but nothing like I used to). However, the last week or so it has gotten bad again. Today was the worst. My chest felt tight, and I had a horrible lump in my throat (that always happens when I have anxiety). I felt very restless but unproductive at the same time.

I even took some of my anxiety meds that I hate taking because they make me gain weight. (I'm instructed to take them as needed, not as part of a daily regime.) But the anxiety was so bad that I didn't care. (Why does it seem like all mood disorder medications cause weight gain?!)

I'm hoping it's just been a rough patch that will go away soon. Now that the quarantine is slowly being lifted, I have to once again change my daily routine, and I think that might be what is causing the issues with my mood.

On a positive note, I finished hanging the drywall in the garage yesterday! It was such a relief to finally get that done. The whole garage is now insulated and drywalled (including the ceiling). It doesn't look good right now, because I still have to tape and mud all the seams, but I'll take some pictures anyway.

It's amazing how much of a difference the insulation and drywall makes in the overall temperature in the garage. It doesn't feel hot and stuffy in there anymore. I am super excited to get the mudding done so that I can prime and then paint!

I'm planning to start taping and mudding tomorrow. It's super intimidating because there are a LOT of seams! I haven't mudded the seams of a ceiling before, so I hope I'm able to do a good job with it. I'm a pro at doing the seams where the wall meets the ceiling, because I did that around my entire house.

I'll end this post with a super cute photo I took of Joey, Chick, and Duck today. Joey's such a good dog! ;)

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Things I Can Do Right Now To Feel Better About Myself

I don't know what the deal is with my mood lately--one minute I think I'm hypomanic, and just hours later, I feel depressed. I might be in a "mixed state" of bipolar, which is basically having symptoms of both hypomania and depression at the same time.

Yesterday I felt super energetic and was very productive around the house. Today, I have had no motivation to even move. I watched a lot of YouTube videos about using a serger--it's super overwhelming, but I hope that once I start playing around with it, I'll understand it better.

Anyway, I started thinking of little things that make me feel better about myself. Some of them are really ridiculous and others are more meaningful, but either way, they are things I can do pretty much at any time and feel a little happier about myself.

* Style my hair and wear make-up; dress in "real" clothes and not just yoga pants and a sweatshirt (looking better makes me feel better about myself in general)

* Tweeze my eyebrows (I'm terrible at keeping up with them, so I feel gross when they are unkempt)

* Go for a run (I always feel better after a run--especially if it's a relatively hard one)

* Clearing out my inbox (it's extremely rare for me to catch up on email, but when I reply to several emails, I feel much better)

* Clean my house (I don't like the actual cleaning part at all, but when I have a clean house, I feel infinitely better). By the way, my house is NEVER as clean as the photo below! But that was when I was taking "after" photos of when I remodeled, so I cleaned extra good.

* Completing a task from my "To Do" list (I love crossing things off of lists, and even if it's something I really don't want to do, it makes me feel better to get it done)

* Actually writing a "To Do" list (when I get everything written down, it feels less overwhelming--like I can tackle one project at a time)

* Play a game with my family (we all enjoy it and it makes me feel good about spending quality time with them)

* Take a shower (including shaving my legs) and then putting on a fresh cozy outfit

* Fix something that needs fixing (anything from mending clothes to fixing a wobbly chair leg, etc)

* Painting my nails (I never paint my nails, because I can't go an hour without chipping them, but I feel good when they are done)

* Taking care of paying bills and getting all of our finances in order (I love having all of that straightened out and it feels good knowing that we're on track with our budget)

* And finally, writing a blog post! (I always have anxiety about trying to think of something to write, so when I write a post, it's a relief of that anxiety--and it feels good)

I want to keep this list in mind so that when I'm having a "down" day like today, I can choose something on the list to give me an instant pick-me-up.

What are some things that make YOU feel good when you're feeling bad about yourself?

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Can it be spring now?

January.

Ugh, I'm glad it's almost over. It's been a super rough month! There are things I wish I could write about sometimes, but when it's something about my kids, I like to keep it private for their sake. Everything is okay!... there has just been a lot going on this month.

I wrote recently that I was wondering if I might have Seasonal Affective Disorder, because it seems that over the last few years, I've had bouts of depression in the winter months. This month has been no different. I've been super tired, unmotivated, emotional, uninterested in everything, and just plain unhappy lately.

Last month, when I asked on Facebook for blog post suggestions, one person said: "How about an honest approach to parenting, meal prep, marriage and still have your own identity. Instagram and Facebook are filled with perfect pictures of family and kids. Nobody wants to sound imperfect."

I love this. Because it's true! If you were to judge someone's life based on their social media posts, it would seem like nobody has any problems at all.

After reading that Facebook comment, it reminded me of a status post I wrote last February:

Having written this in February, I again wonder if the season had anything to do with it. I know I felt better at some point after that, but I don't remember when.

The timing of that post is actually pretty funny, because coincidentally, I literally cried at Lowe's on Friday. I was going to stop on my way home from dropping Noah off at school and pick up the materials to make new nightstands for my bedroom. I'd picked out the building plans online and had a list of the wood and cuts I would need.

Having a Jeep Renegade, there isn't exactly a lot of space to bring building materials home. Through trial and error, I've learned what sizes of things will and will not fit in my car. It's the plywood that is the toughest to work out.

Plywood is a 4-ft by 8-ft sheet. That will obviously not fit in my car, so I always have a Lowe's employee make a couple of cuts for me so I can at least get them home. Anyway, on Friday, I pulled into Lowe's and got a notepad from my purse to write down the cuts I would need.

To do this, I had to basically draw a rectangle on the notepad and try to "Tetris" all the cuts into that rectangle, with the fewest amount of actual cuts from Lowe's (I can't ask the Lowe's employees to cut out dozens of smaller pieces--I try to keep it to three cuts per sheet, just to get it home, and then I make the rest of the cuts myself).

Since I'd be making two nightstands, I had to double everything, too. This didn't help.

My mind just didn't seem to be working on Friday. I can't even tell you how many times I started over, trying to figure out how I could get the plywood cut and in the car, while keeping the pieces at the sizes that I need. I'm embarrassed to say how long I sat in the parking lot (ahem, 90 minutes!) before I just gave up.

I cried out of frustration because I couldn't figure out something that I'd done so many times before. I'm an expert at how to piece cuts on plywood to fit them all in. When I got close to home, it dawned on me that I'd been making a HUGE mistake while I sat in the parking lot (it's okay to laugh at this):

I was writing the width of the plywood as 36 inches and not 48 inches (as I said, the plywood is 4x8 feet--48 inches by 96 inches). When I was trying to fit all the cuts into the rectangle I drew, I was counting that shorter side as 36 inches for some stupid reason (I hate the term "brain fart" but that's basically what it was). If I hadn't been so frustrated, I would have thought the mistake was hilarious!

Most of the time, life is pretty good. Things go pretty smoothly. But sometimes I get so stressed out and overwhelmed that I have a week (or two or a month) like the one I shared in the Facebook post above.

The stress seems to come in spurts--one week might be so jam-packed full of things on my "to do" list, but another week might have an empty schedule. This month, it's been super busy; and having all of it on top of feeling depressed has been extra rough.

I have not been sleeping well at all, and twice last week I shut off my alarm only to have the kids wake me up, yelling, "Mama! It's 6:50!" (We normally wake up at 6:00.) I swear I only closed my eyes for a second...

Lack of sleep makes me unable to focus on anything. Or I'll start a task and then forget to finish it. If my kids tell me something that I'm supposed to remember, they might as well just not have even told me at all. My memory is horrible when I'm tired.

To get to the actual question from Facebook--about an honest approach to parenting, meal prep, and marriage while still having my own identity... it's hard!

Parenting feels harder now than it was when my kids were little. I like to keep their lives pretty private here on the blog, but in general, I have more to worry about because they aren't in my sight all the time. Also, I worry about their feelings SO much. I just want them to be happy.

You would think that as a stay-at-home mom, I would wake up and pack their lunches for school and make them a nice hearty breakfast of bacon and eggs and toast. Well, I stopped packing lunches a couple of years ago. And breakfast? That's what cereal is for! At 14 and 15 years old, my kids are old enough to pack their own lunches. And I don't say this out of laziness--they really need to learn to do things for themselves.

I wake up when they do (at 6:00), but I use that as my "me time" while they get ready for school. I usually do my "Peak" or "Lumosity" apps or read a book on my Kindle while I have tea or decaf coffee in the morning. Since Jerry is on straight day shift now, I am the sole chauffeur--I drive them to school in the mornings (it's an hour round trip for Noah, and I drop Eli off on the way).

I get done what I can before they get out of school (Noah gets out at 1:30 now, which doesn't leave me with much time)--writing a blog post (I need the quiet to write), working on laundry, dishes, house chores, grocery shopping, budgeting/finance stuff, errands, etc.

Meal prep/planning - I'm terrible about "prepping". I KNOW I should prep things like meat and vegetables right when I get home from grocery shopping so that it'll be less work throughout the week when I cook. However, grocery shopping is exhausting in itself!

I always use the self-checkout, so after putting everything into the cart, I have to remove it one by one, scan and bag it all, unload everything into the car, then carry everything into the house and put everything away. By that time, the last thing I want to do is prep food.

(I know some of you have mentioned grocery shopping online and either picking it up or having it delivered... I wish I could let go of my "control freak" side to do that, but I don't think I could let someone else pick out my groceries--especially meats and produce. I'm very picky about those things!)

I do write a meal plan every week before I go grocery shopping; but unfortunately, I rarely stick to it. Either the kids make other plans or I am exhausted and don't want to cook or I forgot to thaw out the meat or something like that. More than a few times, I've put food in the slower cooker only to realize later that I forgot to plug it in (seriously).

I cook as often as I can, even if it's something as simple as grilled cheese. But for the days where I am super short on time or I don't have a plan and the kids are starving, I usually have a pizza in the freezer. Thankfully, my kids love them ;)  Something I underutilize is my slow cooker--I need to plan more meals around that. And make sure I remember to plug it in!


Marriage - This year, Jerry and I will have been married 17 years (!) and thankfully, we are still super close. We love spending time together, even if it's just reading our own books while sitting in the same room. We have literally NOTHING in common, but somehow, we still enjoy each other's company.

We rarely do "date nights" and that's something we've been wanting to do more of this year. I just feel so old! Now, when I think of date nights, I think of how expensive it is to go out to dinner or even just a movie, so that kind of ruins the fun of it. We'll need to come up with some cheaper ideas.

One of the most fun things I can remember us doing together that didn't cost us anything was actually a long bike ride. We were having a "staycation" while the kids were away at camp, so we spent a lot of time together that week. We rode 26.5 miles when Jerry got out of work one day (we did an out and back ride on the Metropark trails, going through THREE parks). On the way back, we had to outride a storm that was coming in behind us, and we had so much fun!

I think what makes us have such a great marriage (I'm definitely not saying it's perfect, though!) is that we laugh a lot. Usually at the stupidest things. Just today, we were looking at memes on Pinterest and laughing until we wheezed about memes that reminded us of each other.

Last night, we were watching a show and I had my feet up on Jerry's lap. My feet are SO dry that when I shifted positions, it sounded like sandpaper rubbing against his pajama pants, and I was so sure that my dry skin was going to snag the threads 😂 We started laughing about that, and then Jerry made some joke about it that I can't remember now, but we were laughing so hard we couldn't breathe.

It felt really good to laugh like that, because like I said, it's been an emotional month for me and the laughter has been rare. The thing I've always loved most about Jerry is his sense of humor--and even when I'm not feeling good, he can usually get at least a smile out of me.

As the Facebook comment suggested, it's hard to be a spouse and mom and still have your own identity. I wrote recently about my hyperempathy and how I am always tuned in to others' feelings. I do everything I can to make other people happy and consequently, I don't do much for myself.

Quite often, just writing on my blog actually helps me "remember" who I am. It helps me to think about what's been going on lately and how I've been feeling.

My favorite thing to do for myself is actually working on some sort of project--either organizing a closet or painting furniture or building something new out of wood. I didn't realize how much I loved this until I remodeled the entire house!

When I'm working on a project, I listen to podcasts that I enjoy and I love seeing the progress I'm making on whatever it happens to be at the moment. A couple of days ago, I had a couple of spare hours before I had an appointment at the Secretary of State to renew my driver's license (ugh) so I decided to use the time for a "fun" project (others may think of it as dreadful, haha).

When I painted my cabinets, I lined most of them with contact paper on the inside, and I loved the way it looked. There were a couple of very large cabinets that I hadn't done, however, so I decided to tackle the largest one.

It took me FOREVER to get the shelf out (actually, that's why I didn't do this cabinet last year--because the shelf seemed to have been put in there before the cabinet faces were attached. I tried twisting and turning it every which way, removing the doors from the cabinets to make room for it, and still--it just wouldn't fit.

A couple of days ago, I decided to try again. I thought there was no way that someone would put the shelf in there before finishing the cabinets, so there HAD to be a way to get it out. After about 15 minutes of different maneuvers, I was able to remove it! I have no idea how that was possible, and I was sure there was no way I'd be able to get it back in when I was done, but I'd worry about it later.

I wasn't able to finish the whole thing in the two hours I had, but I was able to finish it up when I got home. And I was even able to get the shelf back in! It looks so much better. Of course, I forgot to take a "before" photo, but I'm sure I can find one from when the kitchen was in progress...

Anyway, projects are my happy place :)  Next weekend, I'm going to finish my brother's bathroom for him, which has been "in progress" for probably six years now, haha--he needs the grout sealed in the shower and I'm going to build shelves for the closet. I'm actually looking forward it. And hopefully it'll help with my mood!

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A Blog Series of Favorite Posts #2: Mental Health/Illness

For the next week or so, I'm going to do a series of posts--I will share my favorite "oldies but goodies" from the past.

As you know, I LOVE writing lists. This is one I've been wanting to write for a long time, but it requires so much thought that I just have such a hard time deciding what to include on it! I have a lot of favorite posts over the years (as well as very cringey ones--maybe I'll do a list of those soon). I'd have to wear a paper bag over my head out of embarrassment ;)

As of the last few years, there have been lots of different categories on my blog: weight loss/gain/loss/gain; running; DIY/home improvement; mental health/illness; crafts; and just daily life in general. So, I think I'll separate these into categories to avoid having too many "favorite" posts in just one category.

I'll post just a few per day, so if you choose, you'll have time to read the posts. If I post them all at once, it would be way too overwhelming!

At the end, I will also include my most popular posts (which will likely be entirely different from my favorite posts) in case anyone is curious about those. First, though, my favorites...

Mental Health/Illness


Freeing Myself of the Anxiety of Social Media

I love love love this post. This is one of the most vulnerable posts I've ever written, spilling more about myself than ever before. And not giving a shit what others think of me! This post explains exactly how social media destroyed my life for a while and how I started taking back control. I still feel some of the feelings I wrote about here, but nothing like I used to. If you worry about what others think of you, definitely read this post!

7 Life Changes I've Made in Pursuit of Happiness

Once I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2017 and I started the correct medication for the first time in my life, I started a pursuit to my happiest life. I have so much to be grateful for! I tried to stop focusing on the negative and I pushed myself out of my comfort zone in order to pursue happiness. I'm a happier person today because of it. If you're struggling with depression, or just not feeling happy in general, I suggest reading this and trying out anything that jumps out at you.

A "Crazy" New Chapter in My Life

This is a doozy of a post, and I was terrified to write it. However, I got so many answers for the mental illness issues I was having, and I hoped that by writing it, I'd possibly help others who were going through something similar. I felt extremely vulnerable posting it (as I always do with mental illness) but I got SO much support that it remains one of my favorite posts to date.

Mental health/illness is a passion of mine, because it's something I've dealt with for my entire life. I am always open to talking/writing about it, so please feel free to ask me questions. I have other posts about it on my Mental Health page.

Tomorrows topic: Running! I hope you are enjoying reading these oldie but good posts.

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What is one thing I would change about myself?

First, I am so sorry that FOUR posts published yesterday. I have no idea how that happened. I was revamping some recipes and had them set to publish in the future, but somehow they all published at once. The only post I meant to publish yesterday was the tutorial for the pet feeding station!

Anyway, today is another writing prompt. And I've had a bad day, so I truly am going to keep this short...

What is one thing that I would change about myself?

I thought hard about this, because the obvious answer would be that I wouldn't have anxiety. Having anxiety is the worst! But I wanted to come up with something deeper than that, and I thought more and more about what actually causes my anxiety.

Surprisingly, the one thing I would change about myself (and what gives me so much anxiety) is the fact that I am hyperempathetic. An "empath", I guess it's called. I am extremely aware of what people are feeling and I somehow pull just the negative vibes from them and feel them myself. I found this quote on Pinterest that sums it up perfectly. This is exactly how I feel:

I did not cut off the bottom attribute, but it's jennifersoldner.com

Being empathetic is generally a good thing, but when it causes you to feel this way, it's not. I can remember when I was a child, ALWAYS feeling guilty for everything. Especially for things that happened to other people. Even if nothing "bad" really happened, I felt the guilt for no reason at all.

Sometimes being empathetic is helpful, however. Here is an example that happened to me:

I always noticed a kindergarten mom who would pick her son up from school at the same time I picked up Eli. Even though she smiled and conversed with others, I could feel her emotional pain. She seemed totally normal on the outside, but I knew that something wasn't right. I decided to do something about it, because I was worried about suicide. I gave her a card with something empathetic written on it.

A few years later, she told me that she had been planning her suicide and the card meant the world to her at the time. Someone cared and someone noticed she'd been feeling that way.

This empathy is a gift, in a way, but it's a huge burden as well. I feel responsible for everybody's problems and everybody's pain, even if I have nothing to do with them or it at all. When my family is hurting, I will do anything that I can to make them stop hurting, even if it's not good for myself. If I feel like I've hurt another person's feelings for any reason at all, I'll carry that inside of me until the day I day, unless I can somehow fix it. And I spent WAY too much time worrying about how to fix it.

When I started psychotherapy, my therapist and I talked about all of this and how I need to do things that are best for ME and to start doing what I enjoy and to stop trying to fix things that I know I can't change.

This is why I've been putting so much work into doing things I enjoy--like the DIY house stuff and woodwork. When I'm alone, listening to a podcast and working on a project, I don't have to feel what others are feeling. Carrying the burden of others' feelings along with my own is exhausting! I think this is what causes me to be more introverted, as well. Being around a lot of people is a lot to carry.

Anyway, I really am trying to keep this short today, so I'll end it with this:

In general, I am a good person. I am kind, generous, caring, a good listener, and (for the most part) determined and goal-oriented. I am also extremely empathetic. So, I feel and understand your feelings much more than is comfortable for either of us, but it's important to know that I care. I care more than anything that everybody is okay.

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