This is a post that has been in my drafts folder for almost four years. Yikes! I figured it's about time I edit and publish it. (I did write a post that addresses this a little--not as much detail--but you can find that post here:
What I Wish I Knew When I Started Losing Weight).
This post is still relevant, in the sense that I felt the way I felt in 2009-2010 when I was losing the weight--it doesn't matter what happened since then. My circumstances have changed, though. I've gained back a lot of weight--45 pounds in two years--so I wasn't sure if I should post this. But everything I wrote is true, regardless. So here goes...
I've written a lot about my successes and struggles during my weight loss journey, mainly to help other people realize that they aren't alone--but it helps me, too! When I get an email from a reader who is going through the same things I am (whether it's when I write about bipolar, depression, anxiety, my weight climbing up, binge eating, etc.), I feel better when I know that I'm not alone.
While I was losing 125 pounds in 2009-2010, I experienced something completely unexpected: FEAR.
For my entire life up until that point, I dreamed of being thin. Skinny, even. I thought it would make me the happiest person on earth. I was so tired of being fat and would have given just about anything to be thin.
In mid-April of 2010, I hit the 80-pounds lost milestone--something worth celebrating, right? Instead, I completely freaked out. It was like a little panic switch turned on inside of me, and I had a mini-breakdown. It was completely irrational, but I was scared to death... of my success.
I'm not trying to sound so melodramatic, but because I have since been contacted by people who have gone through the same thing, I want to accurately describe what was going through my head. Over the course of a few weeks, I was filled with anxiety and fear of my weight loss. Some random thoughts from when I was losing weight:
I was getting a LOT of compliments from people who noticed the weight loss, which meant that it was very noticeable. Which also meant that it would be noticeable if I gained it all back. I was terrified of gaining the weight back and having people notice that I'd "failed" at another weight loss attempt.
I was getting a lot of attention, as well. When I was 253 pounds, I felt invisible. I could walk into a clothing store and nobody would even look at me, let alone greet me. Going out with a friend, I would always notice men checking her out while ignoring me. I was twice her size but invisible.
When I'd lost so much weight, it suddenly felt like I had removed this invisibility cloak and people asked me if I needed help finding something, or asked how I was doing, etc. Instead of hearing men call, "Cow!" or "Fat ass!" out their car windows at me (yes, this happened), I was suddenly getting cat calls. This made me feel like I wasn't important when I was obese, so I was scared to gain the weight back and be invisible again.
My sister and I had become much closer as I lost the weight. Prior to that, we hardly ever talked. Whenever she called me, it was to talk to my kids. We didn't dislike each other, but we just didn't have anything in common. As I was losing the weight, Jeanie would call me frequently to hear about how I was doing. She was very excited for me and inspired by me, and we became closer and closer as sisters. I was beyond thrilled with the new level of our relationship. So, when I became scared of my success, another thought I had was that if I gained the weight back, I would "lose" my sister.
I was terrified of actually hitting my goal weight and reaching maintenance. When I'd started losing weight, I never dreamed I would get so far into the process. I had no idea what I was going to do to maintain the weight loss, because all the odds were stacked against me from the beginning (something like 95% of people who lose a large amount of weight gain it all back).
Beyond all these, there were things that I missed from when I was 253 pounds, and I realized that if I wanted to keep the weight off, I simply couldn't do them anymore:
I wouldn't be able to eat premium ice cream by the pint, or polish off an entire box of Swiss Cake Rolls in one sitting.
I wouldn't be able to make myself feel better by stuffing my face with a batch of cookie dough.
I wouldn't be able to relieve anxiety by eating an entire bag of chips and chasing them with wine... before dinner.
I wouldn't be able to eat an entire jar of Nutella in one sitting, while making promises to myself that I would start losing weight tomorrow.
From that point on, if I wanted to maintain my weight loss, I wouldn't be able to eat anything at all without wondering (even if just for a moment) how it was going to affect me, good or bad. I always hoped that when I was "thin", I wouldn't think about weight anymore. It would be a non-issue. But once I had lost 80+ pounds, I started to freak out about the fact that I would have to think about it.
When I was losing the weight, I was looking at a day or a week at a time--but suddenly, I saw my life laid out in front of me and it didn't include an entire large deep dish pizza with several beers chased by a pint of ice cream. This scared me, because if not those things, then what?
Jerry was always saying things like, "You're so skinny! I can touch my elbows with my arms all the way around you!" and things like that. It was meant as a compliment, of course; but I suddenly had a clear picture of what he would think if I gained the weight back. He had never said a single negative thing about my body when I was obese, but it was obvious that he loved my new body--so I was afraid to take that away from him.
I feared losing friends. I didn't want my friends to think that I was no longer fun because I couldn't be super spontaneous when it came to food and drinks. Also this was something that I missed--I missed just going out for drinks and food without a single care of how many calories it contained or whether I was overeating. I still miss this. Even when I plan to splurge, I still have that voice in my head telling me the consequences of my choices.
I feared that my life was going to be utterly boring and mundane from that point forward, because I would always have to be careful about keeping the weight off.
When I was obese, I never actually thought that I would someday be of "normal" weight, or even "thin". I assumed that I would lose some weight and then gain it back, like I'd always done. So, when I saw some serious progress (80 pounds lost), I became terrified for all the reasons listed above. It sounds so odd to be afraid of success, but that's exactly what happened to me in April of 2010.
I even felt so scared that I wanted to quit. I wished that I could take it all back and erase the entire thing. Quitting wasn't an option either, though, because of my fear of failure. Fear of success, fear of failure... I felt like I had no options. The consequences of whatever I would ultimately choose to do with my life were very scary to me. So what did I do?
I just continued doing what I was doing, and hoping that I would feel better about it.
And it worked! I dropped more weight, but I started to embrace the changes in my body and accept the lifestyle changes that I knew would have to be permanent. All of my lifestyle changes were things that I knew were "do-able" for life--yes, I would love to eat an entire large pizza by myself, but can I be happy with just having 2-3 slices? Sure.
Eventually (maybe after a few weeks, or a month or so), I no longer feared my success. I really looked forward to each new milestone, and I was so happy that I'd stuck with it. I had mini-breakdown when I hit the 140's--but again, I got past that. If I had given up due to fear when I hit that 80-pounds lost mark, who knows where I'd be today?
I am so grateful that I lost the weight, but I still have fear of success. When my story has been in the media, I'm referred to as a "success story"... but what does that really mean? How long do I have to maintain my weight loss to be a success? How much weight is "acceptable" to gain back and still be considered successful? So many questions.
As I continue to write my blog, I am always afraid of the day that could be the start of gaining back all the weight. I started losing weight in 2010, and I still wonder if I will gain it back. With so many people following my journey, whether they are rooting for me to keep it off or secretly hoping I gain it back, I fear having to one day explain that I've gained it all back.
As for today...
Reading this post (that I'd written four-ish years ago), it's interesting to see that I actually have to deal with these fears now. I've gained back a lot of weight and some of my fears have definitely come back.
I don't know if my story is still considered "successful" or even what that means. At what point does it stop being an issue? I feel like I've matured a bit since I lost the weight and I don't care so much about the numbers on the scale. There is SO MUCH MORE to people than their weight! Some of my favorite people are overweight or obese and I love them just as they are. I don't look at them and think of their size; it doesn't even cross my mind.
I don't want to gain back the weight, for many reasons. And I'd really love to lose the weight I've gained! However, I don't want to fall back into thinking about it all the time and worrying about it all the time. There are lots of things that are more fun to fill my head space with. I'd like to focus more about balance in 2021 and not focus so hard on just one thing. I'll write about that more later.
Anyway, I found this four-year old draft interesting, now that I've experienced gaining back a lot of weight. I'd forgotten about some of these fears, and after reading them, I realized that they are some of the same fears I've had recently. I avoid the scale like the plague because of these fears!
It definitely gives me something to think about, especially as I plan out my goals for 2021. I don't regret losing the weight, despite the fears that I had/have, because it completely changed my life for the better. No matter what happens from here, I've learned so many life lessons throughout the last 10 years!
