A Lesson In Weight Maintenance

If you've been following my blog for several years, then you know how much my weight goes up and down. I'm not proud of that, but I am grateful that I have kept the majority of the weight off for most of those years. When you look at this graph of my weight, you can see just how much it's fluctuated.

This starts on August 19, 2009, when I began the 125-pound weight loss journey

For each of those dips in the graph, where my weight gets into the goal range, here is a corresponding photo:

December 2010 - December 2011 - December 2012

(Apparently December is a good "goal weight" month for me, haha)

November 2015 - November 2017 - September 2022

And finally... this is my most recent weigh-in photo:

For anyone that has lost a large amount of weight and maintained it, I am in awe of you! Losing the weight was hard, but I had an end goal--I wanted to reach my goal weight. It wasn't until after I reached my goal that I learned just how challenging maintenance is.

I knew from the beginning that I wasn't going to make changes that I wasn't willing to live with forever--and that certainly helped me. I didn't do anything crazy to lose the weight, so keeping it off was more do-able than it would have been otherwise. But I still struggled with it so badly.

Over the years, I stopped having a real "goal weight" and I now have more of a "happy weight"--or a maintenance range. I'd like to stick around 130 pounds; that is where I feel my best. But I'll be happy if I can keep it between 125-135 to allow for *normal* fluctuations.

In the last few weeks, I've started to think more and more about something I've discovered is going to be crucial to maintaining my weight loss. Of all the times I've entered maintenance mode, I never really figured out how to maintain my weight without constantly being careful about what and how much I ate. I hated thinking about it all the time. It was stressful!

I haven't counted calories in a year and a half, and it's so hard to imagine going back to it; with any luck, I won't have to. Still, I think it was necessary at first because it really helped me to get used to smaller portions. I also used the food tracker to see what kind of nutrition I was getting, and to try to increase my fiber.

This new discovery was entirely subconscious; I didn't even really realize I was doing it. I'll try and explain it the best I can...

Ever since becoming vegan, my reasons for food choices (both what I eat and the portion sizes) have changed. (This isn't necessarily due to being vegan, but that's what triggered it.) In the past, I struggled with willpower, motivation, and determination to lose the weight. I relied heavily on willpower to make healthier choices, and I managed to do it long enough to lose 125 pounds. However, I didn't learn how to continue those choices without willpower. You can only white-knuckle something for so long.

When I became vegan, I wanted to make sure I was getting the best nutrition I could. A diet without meat, dairy, or eggs was entirely foreign to me, so it was a little scary. I'd read a lot about "gut health" and I focused on eating more fiber for that reason--not for weight loss or to feel full sooner, or anything like that. I just wanted to be healthy.

Most foods that have a lot of fiber (not fiber that has been added artificially to food, but naturally-occurring fiber) pack a lot of nutrition as well. I chose foods that I enjoyed that just so happened to have a lot of fiber.

I tried to cut out a lot of foods that offered little fiber, but not enough to deprive myself of things that I enjoyed--like dessert. With my blog title being "Runs for Cookies", it's clear that I love dessert. While I was losing weight in the past, I ate some sort of dessert/sweets just about every single day. I counted the calories for it and I still lost weight. Weight loss was my main goal, and it worked! I was able to eat my dessert and reach my goal weight.

I was still binge eating once in a while, almost always on sweets, when I lost the willpower to stick with a small portion. And I couldn't IMAGINE my life without sweets in it! Why give up sweets when I could eat them AND lose weight?

Sometime over the last year or so, I started seeing it differently. Yes, I can still eat sweets and lose weight. However, when I started eating a much healthier diet, I discovered that certain foods trigger me to eat larger portions or to crave sweets in a horrible way.

I cannot even describe what a sugar craving feels like to me. It's torture! Before I lost the weight back in 2009-2010, I remember eating corn syrup straight out of the bottle one time because we didn't have anything sweet in the house. (How gross is that?!) That's just how bad my cravings got.

When I started losing weight, I felt like it was easiest and made the most sense to eat what I was craving. Crave ice cream - eat ice cream - craving satisfied. I had cravings every single day, but I made sure to save calories in order to satisfy that craving. And like I said, I was able to lose weight that way.

Since I started eating a lot healthier (which I attribute to both a vegan and high-fiber diet), I discovered another way to curb my cravings. To get rid of them altogether! I don't know how or why it happened, but I was without anything sweet in the house for several days. There must have been some reason I couldn't go to the store; I don't remember. But the point is, I went four days without sweets.

After four days, I realized my cravings had gone away. Still, I tried to convince myself I was craving something sweet because I was so used to it; but when I tried to think about what sounded good to me, I couldn't think of anything! At that moment, I figured I might as well ride it out--if I was able to say no, then I wanted to say no as long as I could (knowing that dessert has pretty much no nutritional value whatsoever). 

I continued going dessert-free, waiting for my cravings to come back. They never did!

I have no pictures to really fit in with this post, so here is one of me with Brussels sprouts. That seems to fit in.

Then, when Jerry and I went out to dinner at a vegan restaurant last fall, someone bought us dessert. I would have felt bad saying no, and I knew that having half of a cookie wasn't going to hurt my weight loss at all.

After I ate the cookie, it was like someone had flipped a switch in my brain. I couldn't stop thinking about more and more dessert. My cravings were super intense. Logically, I knew if I could go a few days without sweets, the cravings would subside; but holy hell, it was miserable. It took a while before I was able to go several days without dessert again, and when I did, I realized my sugar cravings were gone.

There were a few more times where I did the same thing. Ate dessert even though I didn't *really* crave it, and then that triggered cravings all over again. In July sometime, I finally made the decision to not eat sweets if I was able to say no. It's so much easier to forgo dessert altogether than it is to have it once in a while. (FOR ME--obviously, everybody is different, so this may not be the case for others.)

I remember specifically in July when I made a vegan chocolate cake for Noah's birthday (it is seriously the best chocolate cake EVER--vegan or not). When I made the cake in July, I didn't have that intense feeling of wanting to have a piece. I didn't even lick the spoon or swipe a bit of frosting.

My dad recently made a rhubarb pie and asked to bake it at my house (my parents' oven stopped working when the power went back on a few weeks ago after the storm). I *love* rhubarb, and he told me to take some; I knew if I did, though, I wouldn't be able to stop craving more.

And for once in my life, it wasn't because I didn't want the extra calories; it was because I knew it would make me have horrible cravings for days afterward. Eating the dessert wasn't worth it to me because I hate obsessing over food. Again, it was easier not to have any at all than it was to have even a tiny piece.

That was a big moment for me--it was when I realized that I was maturing in this whole weight loss/healthy eating journey I've been on for the majority of my life. When the sugar is out of my system, it doesn't feel like a sacrifice to forgo dessert at all. I'm making that choice to avoid feeling so uncomfortable in my own mind, obsessing over more sugar. Even if it had/has no effect on my weight, I would still make the same choice just so that I would not have the cravings.

I made a big mistake on Saturday when we went to Eastern Market. One of the vendors sells the most amazing caramel corn, which happens to be vegan. She handed me a sample and before I could even think about it, I ate three kernels of popcorn. It was such a minute amount of sugar that I didn't think much of it. But I became obsessed with that popcorn--Jerry had bought a bag of it, and all day Saturday and Sunday, I could think of practically nothing else. The kids finished it on Sunday night, but my cravings didn't stop; I started thinking about other sweets.

Knowing how it affects me, I just need to ride it out for another day or two and then the cravings will subside. But it has been a very tough few days!

I think that learning these things about my mind/body is going to be crucial to maintaining my weight. I am so tired of the big ups and downs. I mentioned this before, but I think that finding a WHY that doesn't have anything to do with weight loss is the only way I'm going to be able to maintain my weight.

When I look at the big changes I've made over the last few years, there is one common denominator in how I've managed to stick with them--and it has nothing to do with willpower.

1) I stopped drinking because it had become a problem for me and I just felt crappy in general--both mentally and physically--from drinking. I have no desire to go back to drinking; I do think about it once in a while, but my reasons for not drinking far outweigh the short-lived "fun" of drinking.

2) I started eating more fiber to have a healthy digestive system. I also wanted to lower my cholesterol and I knew that a high-fiber diet had the potential to do that.

3) I became vegan for ethical reasons--nothing to do with weight loss--so eating a vegan diet is super easy for me. I don't have any cravings for the non-vegan food I used to eat.

4) And now, learning what I have about how sugar affects my mind and body, I'm able to say no to sweets. Again, not for weight loss reasons; I just don't want to obsess over food.

None of those reasons are because of wanting to lose weight.

Hopefully, all of this makes sense! It seems like it should have been obvious all along, but it's been very eye-opening to see the pieces fall into place (quitting drinking, eating more fiber, becoming vegan, and now learning how sugar affects me). If found a WHY that doesn't include weight loss.

And, ironically, perhaps this is the key to weight maintenance. I guess we'll see! ;)

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Wednesday Weigh-In: Year 2! (Week 104)

Until today, I completely forgot that I had planned to do a post about it being two years since I started losing the weight I'd gained. A LOT has happened in the last two years--the first year actually felt pretty easy, especially once I became vegan.

The second year has not been kind, unfortunately. My weight went up and down based on how overwhelmed and/or stressed I was. When I feel stressed, I eat. When I feel overwhelmed, I completely lose my appetite. (I think of "stress" as being a harried "to do" list in this situation, and "overwhelmed", to me, is calm but just way too much information being thrown at me.) And I went between both of those more times than I can count (together and separately).

Anyway, when I think back to two years ago, I am in a MUCH better place as far as my diet goes. I started eating a ton of fiber. And then I became vegan with literally no notice, so I started focusing on getting the most nutrition I could. I learned that sugar/sweets just make me crave more sugar/sweets for DAYS--even if I have just one small cookie, I have to be prepared for cravings. A lot of times, I don't think it's worth eating.

Here is a comparison of Day 1 versus today:

Here are some things I've noted--the positives and negatives of my diet change/weight loss over the last two years:

Positives

I feel a million times more in control.
I eat a ton of fiber--it brought on the biggest change in my appetite and cravings.
I feel healthier than ever. My chronic pain was gone after only 1-2 months of eating a vegan diet.
I learned of a long-term iron deficiency, and after supplementing, my symptoms are clearing up.
I eat a lot more vegetables now.
I discovered a million new-to-me ingredients and learned to love cooking again.

Negatives (things to work on)

I eat for emotional reasons (stress is a big one).
I still don't sleep well.
I stopped running and I want to get back to it (I'm lacking the push I need).
I don't drink nearly enough water.

One thing that I really wanted from these weekly weigh-ins was the accountability. To challenge myself to post it every Wednesday, even if I gain weight for weeks and weeks and in a row. I wanted to just stay honest with myself. And aside from probably about four Wednesdays in two years, I've done a Wednesday Weigh-In every week.

I don't really have a "goal weight" anymore. I really like to be around 130 pounds--that's when I feel most comfortable--so I set a goal range on my Happy Scale app for 125-135. I've never maintained the 120s for very long when I've gotten there, so I'll adjust as needed.

Here is a graph of the last two years of weigh-ins:

The green and red indicate where my weight was at in relation to the previous 90 days.

As you can see, other than November 2022 through January of 2023, my weight went down gradually, but relatively steadily. Here it's broken into year (2021, 2022, and 2023). I like that it shows my stats relative to the previous year.

My weight today:

I was at 141.2, so I'm up this week from 140.4 last week. I had a good week other than snacking at night. And it usually happens when I skip a meal during the day--I definitely make up for it with snacks. Jerry found a cashew-based "Hatch Queso" dip at Kroger--it was SO AMAZING and I ate way too much of that. (The dip was actually healthier than the chips I ate it with!)

Well, I know this is nothing super profound; it's a super short summary of the last two years of losing the weight I'd gained. I'm very happy with where my progress is now. I'm not yet in my "happy range", and I can feel it in my clothes. But I'm getting there!

I was going to try to put these photos in a time-lapse video, but since I put this post off until today, I'll just have to settle for a collage. These are my Wednesday Weigh-In Photos (mirror selfies) from the last two years. The first couple of rows were for a DietBet; I didn't start doing the mirror selfies for "real" until Week 10. Then I just turned it into a weekly thing for my Wednesday Weigh-Ins.

The collage goes from left to right, row by row. The first picture is Day 1 and the last picture is from today.

The differences are so subtle from week to week that it's hardly noticeable. But when I look at some of the photos, especially noting the clothes I'm wearing, I can definitely see a difference. Here is the two-year comparison:

I still have no idea how long I plan to continue the weekly accountability weigh-ins, but for now, it's helping--so I'll continue to do it. Let's hope my weight goes back in the right direction this week!

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Weight Loss: A "100 Things" Update

One of the most popular posts on my blog is a list of 100 things that changed when I lost 100 pounds. I wrote it waaaay back in 2010, before I even started Runs for Cookies. I was 28 years old and very naïve. I worried too much about what people thought of me, I cared too much about my appearance, and I was too much of a perfectionist about my diet.

I cringe when I read it now. It's tempting to change some of it (especially when I saw I used the now-politically-incorrect term "Indian-style" when referring to sitting cross-legged) but like I said--I was naïve. I'm sure in another 13 years, I'm going to look at this post and cringe just as hard.

We live, we learn, and we cringe. That's life.

Age 28 vs. 41. There are a million differences in these photos, which will probably become clear after reading this post. Some visible, some not.

Anyway, I laughed at a lot of the things on my list because they are just so NOT important. And things have changed so much since then! Here is a revised (light-hearted) list, 13 years later...

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Then: "I used to feel ashamed buying candy and junk food. [After losing the weight], I feel just as entitled as everyone else to buy junk food." 

Now: I make most of my food choices based on reasons other than weight loss. Namely, vegan food (for ethical reasons) and nutritious food (for health reasons). And Ben & Jerry's non-dairy P.B. & Cookies ice cream (for mental health).

---

Then: "[After losing the weight], I eat my daily dessert whenever I feel like having something sweet."

Now: I've finally gotten a grasp on the purpose of avoiding sugar. I never used to worry about it because it didn't make a difference in my weight loss, as long as I was counting calories. I've since discovered that sugar makes me crave more sugar. I don't think there is anything wrong with having dessert, but I know that if I choose to eat dessert, I'm going to crave sweets like crazy until I give in--over and over. And this reason alone has stopped me from eating sweets numerous times. I just don't want to deal with cravings and the argument in my head about whether I should eat something or not.

---

Then: "I went from a size 24 to a size 8 in 10 months."

Now: I don't care one bit about the size on the label of my clothes. I used to want the smallest number possible, whether it looked okay or not. Now, I have clothes in multiple sizes and I don't even think about what size they are when I'm choosing what to wear. I pick my clothes based on comfort, because who am I trying to impress? And does anyone care AT ALL about the number on my clothes? I think not.

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Then: Even after losing the weight, I was too embarrassed to post "fat photos" of myself--unless it was a before and after comparison.

Now: I stopped cringing at old fat photos of me. I've even posted them on my blog several times without scrutinizing my body, looking for all of the flaws. Yes, I used to look like that. So what? I am SO glad that I have those photos from back then. I actually wish I had more--there were a lot of photos I deleted after I saw how fat I looked or I avoided the camera completely. And now I don't have photos of some great family memories because of my insecurities. I don't avoid the camera and I don't try to fool myself--I can see when I've gained weight and I still post pictures anyway. I look how I look--take it or leave it.

This was in 2009. I wore this scarf to hide my huge double chin, hahaha.

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Then: [After losing the weight] "I only sweat when I exercise!"

Now: I'm not embarrassed to sweat. This sounds kind of silly, but when I was 253 pounds, I was SO embarrassed if I was sweating for any reason at all (because, you know, skinny people don't sweat). When I lost the weight, I was happy that I didn't really sweat unless I was exercising. It was like I thought sweating was shameful. That's ridiculous! Last night, I was sweating just because two of the cats were on my lap and their bodies are like a warming blanket. I have no problem announcing that I'm sweating like a beast for whatever the reason may be.

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Then: [Before losing the weight] "I used to wake up sore and achy from the added stress that the weight put on my body. Now I wake up feeling refreshed!"

Now: I wake up sore and achy from being old. HAHAHA

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Then: [After losing the weight] "I can wear cute underwear and sexy lingerie now!"

Now: I am right back to wearing granny panties most of the time because hey--they're comfortable! I don't care if panty lines are visible through my stretchy black pants.

---

Then: I avoided restaurant food because it's so high in calories.

Now: I avoid restaurant food because it's expensive and because home-cooked food just tastes a million times better.

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Then: [After losing the weight] "I feel feminine for the first time in my life! Being overweight made me feel like a sexless blob. Now I have the desire to style my hair, wear make-up, and wear cute clothes."

Now: BAHAHA--now, I enjoy doing "handyman" stuff and woodworking. I don't bother painting my nails because it's going to get chipped the second I touch my tools. I usually sweat while working on projects, so I don't bother with my hair or make-up, either. A messy bun, jeans, and a hoodie are pretty much my uniform.

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Then: "I even wear cute pajamas now! No more of my husband's t-shirts."

Now: I love wearing Jerry's t-shirts because they're super worn in and comfy.

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Then: "Before losing weight, I used to get excited about events like weddings and parties because of the food. [After losing the weight] I enjoy going out so I can socialize."

Now: A typical Saturday night is wearing my pajamas, reading a book or watching a show, and being in bed by 9:00.

---

Then: [After losing the weight] "My alcohol tolerance is much lower--one to two drinks is my limit before I feel like it's too much."

Now: Well, my tolerance went up quite a bit since then--so much so that I knew it was a problem and I needed to quit drinking altogether. I've been sober since February 2021.

---

Then: "I used to have a hard time stating my weight because I was so used to saying 'two hundred something pounds'--it took a while to get used to saying 'one hundred something'."

Now: I can pretty much just laugh and say, "Well, am I stressed, overwhelmed, depressed, or hypomanic?" Take your pick!

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Then: "My treadmill is no longer a dust collector."

Now: My treadmill is probably the dustiest thing in my house... when I don't have things stored on top of it.

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Then: "I've gotten more adventurous since losing the weight. Trying new things, going out more, meeting new people."

Now: Aww, how cute! Now, I like routine and I'm a homebody. And nothing gives me anxiety sweats like meeting new people.

---

The takeaway here is that I had healthy and unhealthy habits back then, and I have healthy and unhealthy habits now. My priorities are just different and I care far less about what people think of me (especially about how I look). No, I don't aim to look like a slob--I just choose comfort and practicality above all. It has finally sunk in that nobody cares what my weight is, how much or how fast I run, what clothes I wear, or what food I eat. (Well, unless I'm eating too many grapes... God forbid!)

Now, if only I could get on board with "age is just a number". I'm not happy about aging! I need to work on that mentality ;)

[And if you're unsure of what I meant by the million differences in my comparison photos, here it is again: hair (highlights and styled), make-up, nail polish (fingers AND toes!), jewelry, and cute clothes. Heading to a party versus staying at home. Caring how I looked versus caring how comfortable I was. The big similarity is that I was happy in both of these photos.]

I was heading to a Twilight party (a "wedding" in honor of the Breaking Dawn book), which is why the red and black.

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Jerry Loses His Dad Bod: Some "before and after" photos

I think this was 2009 versus 2013

I'm going to do this a little differently today, at Jerry's request. He's had a rough morning! He had a doctor's appointment at 11:20; the doctor isn't there in the afternoons, which is rough when you work a night shift. So he came home from work, woke up after a few hours, went to his doctor's appointment, came home and slept for a few more. Doing his "Dad Bod" weigh-in wasn't exactly on his mind, which is totally understanding.

Still, though, he had a great week! It was funny a couple of days ago--I'd asked him to make his Beans & Greens, which is one of my favorite comfort foods. I was working on my blog post while he cooked, and it smelled amazing. When we sat down to eat, I took one bite and thought, "Holy salt!"--Jerry made a face and said "Woah, this is really salty."

We both tried to eat it and we managed one bowl, but we didn't even save the leftovers. Bummer! What does this have to do with weigh-in?

Even though I ate really well all day, my weight was up nearly two pounds yesterday morning. And Jerry? His weight was up THREE pounds. We both knew it wasn't from poor eating; it was clearly the amount of salt we'd eaten. (Jerry isn't sure where he went wrong with the salt.)

Instead of posting about Jerry's "dad bod" week, I figured I'd share a little of his past with his weight struggles.

In August 2009, Jerry's weight was 253 pounds. As funny as it, that was MY starting weight, too! Hahaha. It makes sense, considering we pretty much ate all the same things (and I matched or exceeded his portions). (I'm not at all kidding when I say that we would share: a large order of cheese breadsticks with garlic butter dipping sauce, a deep dish pizza with pepperoni and bacon, a six pack of beer, and each of us would have a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Seriously.)

This was how Noah played soccer--the whole game--hahaha.

Jerry didn't start losing weight until until January 1, 2010. I had already been losing weight since August 2009; Jerry saw how good I was doing with it, so he decided to give it a go, too. He likes to say (now) that he "lost weight by default" because he just ate whatever I cooked. He doesn't give himself enough credit, though! He is constantly tempted by food at work when people bring it in to share--and it's not exactly healthy food.

This is when we were both at our goal weights in 2013. My friend Stephanie, who is a great photographer, did an amazing photo session.

This all happened so long ago that it's hard to remember the details. Essentially, though, Jerry started eating the same sort of diet as I did, and the pounds started coming off. And naturally, they came off faster than mine! Don't they always when boys lose weight? So not fair! ;)  He joined Weight Watchers and eventually reached his goal weight there (I believe in 2003--I'll look for the link). He weighed in at 168, which was a total of 85 pounds lost!

An 85-pound difference

For exercise, he started running a little--nothing too serious--and then trained for the Indy Mini half-marathon, which he finished strongly.

Now, over the years, his weight as gone up and down just like mine, only his hasn't been quite as extreme. His lowest weight was 167 pounds (I believe this was in 2013) and his highest (since then) was earlier this year, when he was about 200 (he doesn't remember the exact number).

Considering that the odds are stacked against him, he's done an amazing job keeping off all the weight that he has! He'll get back to his usual post next week!

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Falling Apart

I'm feeling anything but brave while writing this vulnerable post, but I'm not sure what else to write that doesn't somehow encompass this: I'm falling apart.

Yes, that is a dramatic statement, but there aren't many words to describe how I'm feeling right now. Just a couple of months ago, I felt totally under control about my diet and exercise. While I was hesitant to write the words at the time, I felt like I had finally found the maintenance key I was looking for. I was eating healthy, I wasn't counting calories, I was eating foods I truly enjoyed, and I was loving running again.

The last picture of me where I felt really good about myself (mid-October)

Over the past couple of months, however, I've slowly been falling apart. I haven't been binge eating, but I definitely overeat--and not on healthy food, either. Pretzels and peanut butter are a favorite, as well as single-serve edible cookie dough that is super fast to make with common ingredients. Even bananas! I've been freezing bananas and blending them into a soft-serve ice cream consistency. I've had to stop buying any sort of nut butter because that's way too easy to eat hundreds of calories worth. I generally eat too large of a serving for dinner, too.

The simple answer is to just STOP. Go back to the old way of eating--the way I enjoyed, the way that felt good, the way that made me feel like I could do it forever, and the way that kept me from feeling like I'm falling apart. Why is this so hard, then?

As far as running goes... I haven't been. I have all sorts of excuses, but I know that they aren't valid excuses. I can certainly find the time to go for a run a few times a week, even if it's just on the treadmill.

I can definitely feel the weight gain in my clothes. My jeans, which were actually too big, are now feeling pretty snug. I had *just* taken in the waist of a lot of jeans to make them fit, too. 

I know this is catastrophic thinking, but I feel like this is the start of gaining back all the weight I just lost. Logically, I know it's only been a couple of months and if I start right at this moment, I can get my weight back down while keeping the damage as minimal as possible. But mentally, I just feel like all is lost. I feel like this is who I am, who I've always been: lose the weight, gain it back, lose the weight, gain it back.

I'm still scared to look at the scale, but I'm guessing I'm probably about 140. My plan (which I wrote about on Wednesday) was to log my food this week to see how many calories I was eating and to look at where those calories are going as far as nutrients. Not surprisingly, I haven't been doing that.

Other than what I mentioned above, I do eat a pretty healthy diet. I never eat restaurant food (maybe once every six months) and I eat a lot more fruits and vegetables than I used to. I try to get in fiber wherever I can.

I'm not saying that I'm doing everything right with my diet; I certainly have room for improvement. But this is definitely the healthiest I've ever eaten in my life. I just got in this downward spiral somehow and it's SO HARD to get out of it.

I make plan after plan, and I feel excited to do them, but one little thing will set me off and I go right back to zero. After the ideas I had on Wednesday's post (about why I may have been gaining), I talked to Jerry about it and he's obviously super supportive of whatever I decide to do. I mentioned how I stopped eating so much fiber because I was cooking vegan food for both of us instead of just me, and I didn't think he'd want to eat the same foods I was. He said he wants me to eat whatever it is that I want, and if he doesn't like it, he'll just make something different for himself. But he has really enjoyed trying new foods, so he might like it more than I imagine.

Without doing any sort of challenge for right now, I do want to at least come up with a plan. If I don't have SOME sort of plan, I'm just going to keep falling apart. So here is what I'm going to aim for:

1) Focus on fiber. That's when I was eating my best and I felt my best. Instead of rice, I'll go back to having barley or some other grain. I'll continue my favorite breakfast of Grape Nuts with blueberries and soy milk. And I'll eat my go-to oatmeal for lunch. I enjoy trying out new dinner recipes, so I'll just fill them with fiber however I can.

2) Make sure there is some sort of nutrition with whatever I eat. I didn't used to eat pretzels, because there really isn't anything good about them. They aren't terrible, but they aren't helping my body in any way. When I was trying to eat a lot of fiber, I always chose snacks like pears or nuts.

3) Drink a ton of water. I never feel good when I don't drink a lot of water, and if I'm eating as much fiber as I plan to, I need the water! I'd like to aim for four liters a day (about a gallon).

4) Get back to running (once again). I was really starting to like it again and then I stopped for whatever reason. Now that my body feels sluggish from eating crappy, it's hard to pick up where I left off. I'd like to aim for three miles, three times a week for now.

And that's it! Those are all things I was doing just a few months ago and I felt great doing them. They aren't too hard. I'm not eliminating anything from my diet. I'm not counting anything. Just eating fiber, drinking water, making healthy food choices as often as possible, and running.

Here goes nothing!

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Q&A About My Recent Weight Loss: Part 2 of 2

(...continued from yesterday. If you haven't read that, I would start there. Here is the link: Q&A About My Recent Weight Loss: Part 1 of 2.)

What is a typical day of eating for you? How do you make it work for the whole family? Any favorite tips, kitchen essentials, recipes.

Again, this inspired the posts about 'What I've Been Eating Since Becoming Vegan' and yesterday's 'Meal Compromises to Please Everybody'.

A recent typical day of eating:

Breakfast: Banana, Grape Nuts with blueberries, flaxseed, and soy milk
Lunch: Steel cut oats with soy milk, cocoa powder, dried cranberries, vegan chocolate chips, chia seeds, and pumpkin seeds.
Snack: fruit or a handful of olives
Dinner: Whole wheat pizza crust with tomato paste, homemade vegan mozzarella, caramelized onions and garlic, and pieces of pan-fried tofu.
Snack: Smucker's Natural peanut butter (I just eat this with a spoon!)

As far as kitchen essentials, I use my blender ALL THE TIME. I can't even remember the last time I used a blender before becoming vegan, though! Now I use it to make cashew cream, "cheese" sauces for pasta, vegan mozzarella for pizza, and even chocolate pudding. I had to get a new blender, and now I kind of wish I'd spent the extra money to get a Vitamix. They're super expensive, but I had no idea at the time just how much I would use it. (The one I have is great, and it gets the cashew cream perfectly creamy, but I have to run it through 3-4 cycles.)

I also use mason jars for all sorts of things: prepping my oatmeal, storing spices that won't fit in the small spice jars, mixing ingredients for sauces, etc. I use mason jars for one thing or another just about every day.

Finally, my tofu press! I was hesitant to spend money on something I could do with items at home (you can wrap tofu in paper towels, top with a plate and something heavy on top--essentially, you're trying to squeeze the water out of it).

This thing is MUCH more convenient and well worth paying for. I actually should buy another, because sometimes I need to press two blocks at the same time. Here is the Amazon (affiliate) link for the one I have: Tofutures Tofu Press. (When I linked it just now, I noticed it's on sale for Amazon's Early Access deal that is only on the 11th and 12th. So, I just bought a second one.)

Do you have a theory of why eating vegan has helped with your chronic pain?

I honestly don't know how eating vegan has helped my chronic pain. When I was seeing a rheumatologist last year and she diagnosed fibromyalgia, she said that two of the most effective things I could do to help with the symptoms were 1) get enough sleep; and 2) eat a plant-based diet.

I immediately dismissed the plant-based diet, because I "knew" I could "never do it". And as for sleep--I have chronic insomnia, and I have for as long as I can remember. I would *love* to get enough sleep! But my body just doesn't want to. So I felt kind of hopeless. I was crying all the time because I was in so much pain and there was nothing that I could do about it.

I didn't become vegan in order to try to fix the fibromyalgia symptoms, but I realized one day, probably 6-8 weeks after eating vegan, that I got out of bed without hurting. Then I thought about it and I couldn't remember the last time I was in so much pain in the morning that I couldn't really function for at least an hour. I started checking in with my body: Does this hurt? Does this hurt? How about this? (All of the things that used to cause so much pain.) And it was gone!

Was it from the vegan diet? I can't say for sure, but I believe that's what helped my pain. I'd tried SO many therapies and medications and I was just sick of it. It would be quite the coincidence if the pain went away shortly after becoming vegan. My dad has chronic pain, too, and I have been trying to get him to try a plant-based diet for just a month to see if it helps--but so far, no luck!

I am currently plant-based but am a terrible cook and I overthink everything, so just coming up with something simple to eat that also tastes good seems to be so difficult for me. I'd love to hear some of the meals you like to make and if you've got any good meal prep or just food/ingredient prep ideas that have made eating easier/simpler/a no-brainer.

This is very similar to the question below, so I'll go into (far too much) detail there. This question really inspired a couple of recent posts, however, which you can find here: Meal Compromises to Please Everybody. Also, I recently wrote a post with a TON of food ideas (seriously, there are about a billion pictures). You can find that here: What I've Been Eating Since Becoming Vegan.

My husband and experimented with vegan for about 8 weeks once. The thing that killed me wasn’t the food, it was all the food prep, three times a day. How do you streamline this, especially with kids!

That is one of the reasons I always said, "I could never do that!" when referring to a plant-based diet. It seemed like SO much work. After becoming vegan for ethical reasons, I knew I was going to have to find a way to make it work.

Some things that I do now to make it easy:

*I always have some sort of grain in the fridge--barley, rice, farro, etc. I cook a batch of something every few days and that way it's ready for a super quick meal.

*I keep some single serving sauces in the freezer (see yesterday's post). When I want to eat in a hurry, I grab the grain from the fridge, a can of chickpeas from the pantry, and a sauce cup from the freezer. I put it in a pot on the stove to heat up (and thicken the sauce) and add a couple of handfuls of either fresh or frozen veggies (broccoli is easy and goes with a lot of different meals).

*Tofu is my go-to for protein now--I love it! I buy several blocks of it when I grocery shop, then I put all of them in the freezer when I get home. I always make sure to have a thawed one in the fridge, too, so whenever I use one, I replace it with one from the freezer. After a lot of experimenting, I perfected the way my family likes it prepared, so it's a no-brainer when I am ready to cook. We never have leftover tofu in my house, so I'm not sure how it reheats!

*When I'm exhausted and don't even want to turn on the stove, I'll grab a couple of slices of Dave's Killer Bread (SO good!) from the fridge, and make a an old-fashioned peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I add a cup of applesauce on the side, and dinner is ready in less than three minutes.

*I have several seasoning mixes in the pantry and ready to use--my favorite is a "cheese" powder that can make macaroni and cheese super fast and easy. If I have cooked pasta in the fridge, it's even faster. I just have to heat the noodles, add some soy milk and a couple of tablespoons of the "cheese" powder and microwave. It makes a delicious macaroni and "cheese"! (The recipe can be found on It Doesn't Taste Like Chicken)

*I keep silken tofu in the pantry because it has a long shelf life and it's SO FAST to make a tofu scramble. If you mix a larger batch of the seasoning, you can keep it in the pantry and use as needed. I just put some bread in the toaster while I cook the tofu, incorporating the seasoning. I like to have a side of roasted veggies, but if I don't have those on hand, a piece of fruit works too. (Even for people who aren't vegan--scrambled eggs are SO fast and easy!)

*I am not a huge fan of raw veggies, so I like to roast a big batch at one time and then reheat them when I want to eat. My favorites: broccoli, cauliflower, Brussels sprouts, and green beans. I find that those reheat the best. I just add some olive oil, salt, and pepper, and then roast in the oven until they are just barely fork tender.

*I think the thing that has helped the most with food prep is that I eat the same breakfast and lunch every day. I know that not many people would prefer that, so I would maybe try to narrow it down to 2-3 different ones that you rotate. It helps a lot to have all of the ingredients on hand all the time--which is hard if you're having seven different breakfasts and seven different lunches each week.

I prep all of my oatmeal for the week at one time--I just portion it all out into mason jars and put them in the pantry until I need them. My breakfast is a very simple one: Grape Nuts with blueberries (I use frozen ones for convenience), a little flaxseed, and soy milk. I like not having to think about breakfast or lunch!

It seems that you have dropped a lot of weight in the last few weeks. Is this because of your vegan diet?

This has actually really surprised me--I have never dropped weight like I have in the past six weeks or so! When I first became vegan (late January), I didn't start losing weight very quickly. I had been going up and down with a few pounds for a couple of months, and my weight was very slowly creeping downward in an overall trend. And I was fine with that--from experience, I knew that the smaller I am, the harder it is to lose weight and it comes off more slowly.

In mid-August, however, it just started falling off really quickly. I was extremely overwhelmed at the time--trying so hard to keep up with way too much that was going on in my personal life, and I kind of lost interest in food. I was still going through the motions of eating, but I stopped eating junk food completely (simply because I didn't even think about it--I was too overwhelmed with other stuff). I assumed that the weight loss was due to stress and the loss of appetite. 

I still feel overwhelmed, and I expect it to last at least until the end of October, but my appetite has definitely come back in the last couple of weeks. Maybe I'll even gain a little (which I'm fine with). My "goal weight" has always been 133, but I got down to 125 pretty quickly. I don't want to lose more, but I'll see what my body has in store for me--who knows?!

Is there a food you were surprised to like?

There have been a lot of foods that have surprised me! While I was losing weight last year, I was eating the same foods I was used to eating my whole life. When I started eating vegan this year, I discovered just how many ingredients I'd never tried or even imagined I would like.

I used to picture vegans eating nothing but salad, sprouts, and tofu. I have only had one salad since becoming vegan and I've experimented with sprouts, but I'm still not crazy about them. But tofu? THAT is the food that surprised me the most! This meme explains in perfectly:

It's completely true! When I first decided to try tofu, all I could imagine was that top photo. Once I started cooking with it, I couldn't believe how versatile it is. I was equally surprised when it became one of Jerry's favorite foods, too! (Even when he was still eating meat)

Another food that surprised me: cashew cream (I had no idea that raw cashews could be used to make a creamy base for LOTS of dishes!). I buy raw cashews in a huge bag on Amazon and keep them in the refrigerator. I use them all the time to make vegan mozzarella for our homemade pizzas.

---

Okay, I realize a lot of these questions are about vegan food rather than simple weight loss, but eating vegan has been my lifestyle for the past nine months, so it hard to even remember what it was like before. Counting calories definitely worked for weight loss--vegan or not. That's how I lost weight in the past, and even last year when I started losing weight in May.

In a nutshell, I think the *biggest* contributor to my weight loss has been eating so much fiber. I immediately noticed a difference (within a week) regarding my food intake. I was focused on eating fiber and not so much on my calories, but I realized that my calories decreased naturally while eating high-fiber foods. (Here is a post that goes into more detail.)

My favorite foods that have a lot of fiber: barley (I started using this instead of rice wherever I could); chia seeds; Grape Nuts; black beans and red beans; peas; lentils; and fruits like pears and blueberries. My cravings for sweets went way down once I added in the fiber, and then after becoming vegan, I very rarely eat sweets anymore. It's so weird that those cravings went away entirely.

Interestingly, I bought some grapes recently and discovered that I found them sickeningly sweet. You all know how much I loved grapes! People used to troll me about my "excessive" grape-eating. I don't think there is anything wrong with eating a ton of grapes and I would happily do so now, but I didn't like them very much because they were so sweet that they hurt my teeth.

I always swore I would never sound like a food snob, so I hope it doesn't come across that way. I've really enjoyed all the new-to-me food I've tried this year! And I'm amazed at my weight loss. I don't think it's really even registered in my brain yet. I've been more focused on food than I have on my weight.

Hopefully this helped answer some questions! If you have others, feel free to ask :)

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Q&A About My Recent Weight Loss: Part 1 of 2

I've been working on this post for way too long, and I'm sure I'm overthinking everything. I really need to just post it now before I drone on and on! I'm actually splitting this into two posts because it got very, very long--even for me. And you know I am wordy as it is.

A quick recap: In May of 2021, I reached my highest weight since losing 125 pounds in 2009-2010. I gained quite a bit in 2018 and it steadily climbed (aside from some weight loss attempts that didn't last long) until I saw that I was nearly 200 pounds again. I was shocked to see 197 on the scale and I immediately decided that this was it--I was done. I was going to do something about it.

I didn't even care if I got back down to my desired/goal weight of 133; I would have been happy if I'd gotten back down to 170 or so at that point. I started counting calories and the weight began to come off. I lost steadily at first, and then I was in a pattern of lose a little, lose a little, gain a little... repeat for months. In January 2022, I became vegan (for ethical reasons, not for weight loss or health). My weight was still moving slowly downward, and a year after I started losing weight, I had lost about 50 pounds.

For some reason, toward the middle of August, my weight started to drop really quickly. I honestly have no idea why! I went from 140-ish to 125 in less than two months. I hadn't really changed anything about my diet, but I had a TON going on in my personal life and I felt extremely overwhelmed. I can only guess that the stress had something to do with it, but I'm not sure. Or maybe my body was just trying to catch up to the changes I'd made when I started eating a vegan diet.

Anyway, I've been asked a lot of questions about my recent weight loss, and while I don't think I have anything profound to respond with, I put together this Q&A post to hopefully answer the questions.

How did you make the change? All at once or a little bit at a time?

I'm assuming this is referring to my current diet (note: when I reference "diet", I'm talking about my day to day eating habits--not a weight loss diet or program).

I like to make goals each year and one of my goals for 2022 was to focus on adding fiber to my diet. I didn't want to eat fiber just for the sake of fiber, though. Fibrous foods are generally much more nutritious, so I thought that could help me to eat healthier without focusing on eliminating food groups or getting rid of things that I enjoy.

I continued to count calories, but I switched up foods wherever I could in order to add fiber. (I only eat fiber from whole foods, though; I wasn't looking at eating Fiber One bars or anything like that. I'm not even sure if those are still a thing!)

This is something I ate frequently: barley with chickpeas and broccoli with stir fry sauce. It has nearly 19 grams of fiber--that's 70% of the recommended dietary intake!

I wrote a whole post about how fiber has changed my eating habits, which may be helpful.

I had absolutely no intention of becoming vegan; it wasn't even something I was interested in experimenting with. I thought I could never do it because I have a husband and two boys and I wouldn't want them to have to eat the way I did. And besides, I ate a LOT of dairy. I couldn't even imagine giving up milk, cheese or eggs, because those ingredients are in everything! (Or so I thought.)

Becoming vegan actually had nothing to do with weight loss. I was just up late one evening down the YouTube rabbit hole, and came across a documentary called Dominion, which is about the consequences of factory farming on animals and the environment. I was only able to watch about 30 minutes of it before I had to turn it off. I didn't have a "one last hurrah" meal or anything. I just haven't eaten any animal products since then.

I think it was the fact that I became vegan for reasons *other than* weight loss that made the change almost too easy for me. It wasn't like a weight loss diet, where the reasons were always about myself and my body; this was about the animals. Because my reasons were focused on that, I never had that battle in my head about whether I should eat something or not. If it was made out of animal products, I just didn't want it.

This picture is at least a decade old! But I had no idea what photo to use here, haha.

Something that really helped when I first became vegan was that I was already eating a ton of fiber--including lots of whole grains, beans, lentils, and I started adding more vegetables where I could. As a vegan now, the bulk of my diet comes from those kinds of foods.

In a nutshell, the dietary change for my weight loss over the past 17 months was pretty simple: 1) Count calories from May 2021 until early spring 2022; 2) Add more fiber; 3) Vegan for ethical reasons.

How long are you intending to eat vegan? Do you feel this is sustainable year round? 

I can't see myself ever eating animal products again. I don't like to say "never", because I can't predict the future, but I have every intention of eating vegan forever. If I was doing it for health reasons, I don't think I would have lasted even a week, let alone a year ;)  I believe it's definitely sustainable year-round--but of course, that could be completely different for other people.

You mention you eat the same breakfast and lunch. Can you link to your post where you have the recipes for those? Also any plans of changing it up?

Breakfast: I have always loved Grape Nuts cereal (or any kind of cereal, really), so I started eating that for breakfast. I added blueberries for more fiber. And at the time, I used dairy milk (I switched to almond milk when I became vegan, and now I like soy milk). Cereal is super convenient and I will never get sick of it!

Lunch: Oatmeal has always been a favorite food of mine (well, since I started losing weight 13 years ago), and I really like cold oats soaked in milk for lunch. I have a basic recipe with a bunch of different combinations on this post: 10 Summertime Mason Jar Oatmeal Recipes. Again, I love the convenience. I make a bunch of jars of the oats (just the dry ingredients) and keep them in the pantry. Every couple of days, I'll take some out and add the milk (I use soy milk now), then put them in the fridge.

So when I want to eat lunch, I just grab one from the fridge. I usually have a piece of fruit, too. It doesn't sound like a filling meal, but it's actually about 500 calories. It keeps me full all afternoon.

I've tried switching this up a bit and eating other things for lunch, but I always get hungry afterward. The oatmeal is satisfying all afternoon and I don't get hungry again until dinner. I'm not married to these meals, though! If I get tired of them, I'll switch to something else. But I really like them--they have a ton of nutrition (including nearly a whole day's worth of fiber), they are super convenient, and they're tasty!

Do you do any type of intermittent fasting?

I don't do any intermittent fasting. Actually, I recently started eating more frequently--I usually eat a banana right when I wake up, then breakfast an hour or so later. I also eat something in the late afternoon if I have cross country practice, and then dinner when I get home.

I find going out to eat is the hardest. Or when kids are busy and I just wanna order pizza or get drive thru. How do you manage those days?

I'm probably abnormal in this situation because I don't really like to eat out. I used to love it! But when the pandemic started, the restaurants were closed for a while and I got used to eating at home. I can actually count on one hand the number of times I've eaten out in the last 2-1/2 years. I started keeping convenient foods at home--like frozen pizzas--for days that we were busy.

Now, we still have busy days--even busier, actually--but I try to keep some convenient food on hand. I think it helps to have one particular go-to meal and always have the ingredients for it on hand. One of our favorites is quesadillas--we always have flour tortillas in the pantry. I keep cooked taco meat in the freezer for the kids, so I just have to microwave a small portion of it for the quesadillas.

I lay a tortilla flat on a skillet on medium-low heat (dry skillet--no oil), sprinkle on the taco meat and cheese, then top with another tortilla. When the bottom tortilla is browned, I flip it over and cook for another couple of minutes until the cheese is melted and the tortillas are nicely browned. (For my vegan version, I use black beans, corn, and vegan cheese). We use salsa for dipping (and sour cream for the boys). It's super fast and easy, and everybody loves them.

I make them when my kids have friends over, too, and teenagers love them. Below is taco meat and cheese, guacamole, salsa, and sour cream.

If you think of a meal or two that you really like and keep the ingredients on hand, it's that much easier to throw together. You can even freeze cooked pasta or rice or other things that you normally have to wait for water to boil. Then just pull them out when you want to make something quickly.

I know you use to count calories. Did you stop since you became vegan, or just because you hit maintenance?

I stopped counting calories about a month or two after becoming vegan. I didn't do it on purpose; I realized I'd stopped logging anything past breakfast and lunch. I was making a lot of new-to-me food and I didn't take the time to input the recipes on the food tracker, so it was basically out of laziness that I stopped tracking. I was very surprised (and excited) when I discovered I could still lose weight without tracking my food! I'd never been able to do that before.

You haven’t mentioned bingeing in a long time. Is the urge to do that just gone?

I haven't binged in a very long time. I really can't remember the last time! The urge became far less frequent when I was diagnosed with bipolar and started a mood stabilizer, which makes me think that my binge eating was related to my moods/compulsive behavior. Now that my mood is stabilized, the urges are few and far between. (I still have periods of depression and hypomania, but nothing like they used to be.)

Would you say it's your running regime or the going vegan that has had the most impact on recent weight loss?

I can say with 100% certainty that it's from my diet and not from running. Why am I so sure? Because I've been terrible at sticking with a running routine! I was doing good with it last year and here and there this year--I want to run, and I always plan to run, but I just haven't made it the priority like it used to be. After the excitement of racing wore off, I've a hard time pushing myself to run.

From the very beginning in 2009, though, it's always been my diet rather than exercise that helped me lose weight. I started exercising because I know it's good for my body (and then I got hooked on races for several years). My weight went up and down based on what I was eating and not if or how much I was running.

June 2021 - one of my first runs when I got back to running last year

Has eating vegan increased your food costs?

Actually, it's been quite the opposite! The grocery bill is much lower than it used to be. Some of the foods or ingredients I enjoy now are kind of expensive and it was hard to justify at first; but when I saw the total amount spent on groceries overall, it was the meat and dairy that made the bill so high.

A few days ago, I made a couple of dinners for my friend who just had a baby, and they aren't vegetarian or vegan. As much as I didn't want to buy meat or dairy, I chose to do so for her family. The two dinners added up to $40--I was stunned. I can make several vegan meals for that much.

I’ve been struggling with IBS crap (pun intended) for a long time and I know that my offenders are fructans and fructose. I’m considering giving up gluten to cut down on my fructan consumption. But my husband is the one who primarily does the cooking. Any suggestions on how to navigate that if I don’t want to force him and my son to be gluten free also?

I wrote a post recently about meals ideas that can make everyone happy (when people have different preferences or restrictions). While I don't pay any attention to gluten, I imagine you can come up with some meals that are naturally gluten free and wouldn't be considered an alternative.

You could also cook any ingredients with gluten separately and, after you've taken your portion, add the gluten ingredient(s) to the portions for your husband and son. I do this with meat and/or dairy--I make meals where most ingredients are vegan, but if my kids want meat or dairy, I keep it separate from mine and Jerry's. Yesterday's post has several examples of how I do this. So I'm guessing it could work in your situation!

...to be continued tomorrow...

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Wednesday Weigh-In: Goal Weight Talk

When I first started losing weight in 2009, I had no idea what my goal weight was going to be. I was 253 pounds, and I guessed that I would probably be happy at around 175. I'd only weighed less than that once in my adult life and it was several years prior. The lowest weight I'd ever seen on the scale as an adult was 152, and I think that lasted one day ;)

It's kind of funny (or maybe sad?) that I remember my weight at certain points throughout my life. When I worked at Curves, we used to do a questionnaire with new members and one of the questions was if they remembered what they weighed on their wedding day. And you know what? I would say that 95% of the women I signed up remembered the exact number. I can tell you that I weighed 160 on the dot the day that I got married.

Thinking about it now, I realize how trivial it all is. Why do we think about that number so much? And even posting my Wednesday Weigh-Ins seems--childish? That's not really the right word; I'm not sure what to call it. It's just so unimportant, especially when I think of all the other stuff I have going on right now.

HOWEVER.

I don't think it'll ever not be somewhat important to me--I was overweight for 28 years, morbidly obese for many of them, and I felt like I missed on out a lot when I was a teenager and early 20s. When my friends were wearing crop tops and bikinis, I wore the baggiest clothes I could (and forget about a bathing suit!). I was an extremely self-conscious, shy wallflower who desperately wanted to be like "everyone else".

I tried so many times to lose weight but I just couldn't do it. When I started exercising at Curves in 2002(?) I also joined Weight Watchers and I got my weight down to 152. I was thrilled! And then gained the weight back almost immediately. I even had to have my wedding dress let out in the waist just two days before my wedding because I couldn't zip it anymore. (God bless that seamstress!)

My wedding day was the last day I saw 160 until 2010. I'd gotten pregnant just a couple of months after getting married, and I was kind of relieved to have an excuse to gain weight. I had two babies in 18 months, and then my weight was at 250-ish until August 19, 2009, when I finally had enough of being too big to play with my kids the way I always imagined I would.

I won't go through the whole weight loss story, because it's written all over my blog, but as I lost weight, I started to think more and more about my goal. I reached 175 and was shocked to have gotten that far. Then I aimed for 160 and reached it. Being in the 150s was unbelievable to me. And when I reached 149? I was terrified. I was in uncharted territory with no clue what to expect.

I kept lowering my goal weight as I got smaller. Reaching 144 was a big deal because for the first time in my life, I was no longer considered "overweight" on the BMI chart. When I thought it might be possible to hit 139, I was excited--it seemed SO SKINNY to me--but I did it.

As you know, I'm a total numbers person. I love nerdy spreadsheets and even math problems (that don't involve graphs, haha). I'm kind of particular about numbers and my favorites are odd numbers in multiples of 11 (especially 11, 33, and 55). I have no idea why.

I eventually chose 133 as my goal weight. Now, today, calling it a "goal weight" seems kind of silly; but it was important to me at the time. And honestly? It still is. Regardless of what number we choose, some of us like to have a goal in mind.

At this age (40), I would be happy just to feel comfortable in my clothes and my own body. If that happened to be 150, sure--I'll take it! From past experience, however, I know that I am most comfortable under about 140.

When I gained a lot of weight in 2018-2020, I reached 197--the highest my weight had been in nearly 10 years. I never stopped trying to lose the weight, but I also never thought I would. I felt like I was out of control and 197 would turn into 253 again before I even knew it. When I saw that number, I immediately decided that I was going to get my weight back down to an "acceptable" number. I didn't care if I never saw the 120s again or the 130s or even 140s. At that point, I would have been happy just to get to 170.

Still, I think 133 will be burned in my mind forever as my "goal weight".

That day was May 24, 2021. I did what I knew best--counting calories. And slowly, the weight started to come off. I can't even describe how relieved I was. When your weight loss/gain/loss/gain is so public, it's embarrassing to see such a dramatic shift upward. I felt like a failure. And thousands of people could see it.

I haven't counted calories in a months. (I think I stopped counting in February or March sometime.) I put my focus on eating a lot of fiber; and at the end of January of this year, I became vegan--which completely changed everything for the better. I could write a whole series of posts about the changes I've noticed since becoming vegan, but I'll save that for another time (this is long enough).

My weight loss stalled for several months, but I hadn't started eating plant-based to lose weight (I became vegan for three reasons in this order: 1) The suffering that animals go through in factory farms; 2) The impact that factory farms have on the environment; and 3) For health. So when my weight loss stalled, I continued to eat vegan regardless of my weight.

Recently, the weight started coming off again and I have to say it's been easy. I almost feel guilty about how easy it has felt. Becoming vegan for those reasons I listed gave me a "why" that, for once in my life, isn't about weight loss. And I think that has made all the difference.

For the first time in 12 years, I don't fear gaining the weight back.

Maybe my weight will change, maybe it won't... but I'm not scared of it or worried about what people will think anymore. And I'm sure it's because I changed my "why".

So, Katie, get on with it... why all this talk about goal weight? Well, I reached it this week...

While I'm sure the fact that I've been stressed and overwhelmed recently has something to do with losing the last 5-6 pounds, I still felt a little thrill when I saw that on the scale. I don't think that I'll ever be able to get having a "goal weight" out of my head, and I'm okay with that.

In 2015, when I focused so hard on getting to 133 pounds, I reached that weight and was over-the-moon excited. Jerry took my picture that day and I was grinning from ear to ear.

Rather than take a mirror selfie in my dusty, under-construction bathroom this week, I felt like reaching my goal weight was worth another picture outside, standing on the dike across from my house, just like last time. (Well, minus the make-up and hair.) I can certainly see that I've aged, but I also know how much better I feel inside. I'm not nearly as fast a runner as I was back then and I have at least one more wrinkle for each year that has passed, but I feel good.

In January when I turned 40, I can't even describe how bummed I was about that number. When did 40 years go by?! How in the heck had it been 11 years since I started writing Runs for Cookies? Why was I still struggling with my weight 40 years after I'd been born a 9+ pound baby? Why did I even care?

I made my family and friends promise me that they wouldn't mention my birthday. I didn't want to celebrate it or even think about it. There was no birthday talk on January 25th, and I was grateful for that.

Now, not even eight months later, I can honestly say I feel better at 40 than I did at 30. I'll take 40--wrinkles, gray hair, and all!

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