Wednesday Weigh-In: Week 4

I flipped this photo to reverse the mirror image--this shirt was one of my "projects of the week". I love doing reverse appliqué! It's super easy and it's so fun to see the design revealed as you snip away. (The PURRVANA wasn't my idea; I got inspiration from Pinterest. But I love it! Also, can you believe it's been 32 YEARS since Kurt Cobain died?!)

Time seems to have slowed down quite a bit over the last couple of weeks, and it feels nice. Usually, I feel like I just blink and it's a month later. The only time that time seemed to slow down was when I was running ;)

Speaking of running, I reached a mile this week! I'm choosing to celebrate that, because I truly feel like a beginner again and a mile is a big deal for beginners. My first run (meaning, a month ago; not back in 2010) was 0.41 miles at a 13:01/mi pace and I felt like I was going to DIE. This week, I noticed that it felt *slightly* easier. Strong emphasis on slightly.

Thursday- My previous run had been 0.90 miles, so I decided to aim for 0.95. It was only 60 degrees outside, and I think that made a significant difference in how I felt. Since I was feeling relatively good, thought it would be a nice opportunity to go for my first mile. And I did--I finished 1.0 miles in 12:25 with an average heart rate of 153 bpm.

Saturday- It was on the cool side again, and I felt pretty much the same as Thursday. I had no idea what route to run--I can tell you 20 different three-mile routes from my house, but for these shorter runs, I'm basically guessing each time I go out. On Saturday, I figured I would do 1.10, but I did a terrible job guessing and had to run past my house. I turned around too soon and was at 1.04, so I just stopped there instead of entertaining my neighbors' Ring cameras for the third time. Ran 1.04 miles at a 12:38/mi pace and average heart rate of 155 bpm.

Tuesday- I went out at 6:30 and it was about 70 degrees (not terrible) but the air was thick with humidity. I ran about as slowly as I could, hoping to feel good throughout. It actually ended up feeling the best of all my runs so far! Still not easy, but I didn't feel completely spent toward the end. I ran 1.10 miles at a 12:42/mi pace and average heart rate of 153.

When I look back at my first run, my average heart rate and max heart rate are both significantly lower than yesterday's, but I think that might be because the duration was so short. It was only five minutes to start, so my heart rate didn't have much time to build up. Once I reach my three-mile goal, I'd like to work on lowering my average heart rate. Ideally, I'll be able to run at my MAF rate of 136 bpm; at my MAF rate was when I didn't dread running because it felt so easy. I would love to feel like that again.  

Anyway, as you can see, I've added a little to each run and four weeks later, I'm up to 1.10 miles. If I continue at about this rate, I should be able to start three-milers in October--the best time of year to run!

This was the last week of Jerry's and my beans and greens experiment. Since we started this for health reasons, the purpose of the beans and greens was to get a lot of fiber via whole foods--and beans and greens are basically the perfect whole-food high-fiber meal. I'll write more about this in a separate post. I made a big variety of versions of beans and greens, so I'll post photos and recipes/links with all that. Now the problem is that I have to figure out what recipe each photo was for! I should have written it all down.

I wish I'd thought of this beans and greens thing earlier, because holy cow--the weight is dropping off quickly.

I was down 3.2 pounds this week. In the last four weeks, I've lost 14.6 pounds--I'm more than stunned!  These are the factors that have been working for me:

*I'm vegan for the animals, but a vegan diet is probably the only reason I didn't get back up to 250+ pounds over the last couple of years. (There are a lot of vegan junk foods, however, so it's easy to gain weight, vegan or not.)

*I quit eating sweets several months ago. My sweets-eating was getting out of control, so I made a bet with a friend where I would lose quite a bit of money if I ate sweets before the end of August. It was rough at first--it actually took much longer than I thought it would to get rid of the cravings--but now I have zero cravings at all for sweets. I literally don't even think about them (and believe me, that is CRAZY TALK). I mean, my blog is Runs for *Cookies*! Even after this bet is over, I don't want to eat even a single cookie, because I'm like an addict and I just lose all control when attempting moderation.

*Eating a ton of (natural) fiber. Whole grains, beans, lentils, nuts, seeds, vegetables, and fruit. (That literally looks like a line from the health food books I love to hate.) In the beans and greens post, I'll write a little more about the specifics; my breakfast plays a big role in my fiber intake. My diet sounds extremely boring, I know; but my spice collection is huge and just by changing out spices, the same meal can taste completely different. My diet is far from boring (in my eyes, anyway).

*Not snacking. This wasn't a "rule" I made; I just naturally fell into it when I quit eating sweets and started eating very filling meals. The fiber makes a big difference--it's impossible to eat a high fiber meal very quickly, so meals are longer and more filling. I eat dinner at about 5:00-ish, and I'm not hungry again all evening (I go to bed at 9:00). Most of the time, I don't eat lunch; but if I'm hungry, I'll eat something (usually a small portion of dinner leftovers). 

*Cutting way back on salt. I've never had high blood pressure, so I never paid much attention to sodium intake. Since I've been eating only whole foods this month, however, my sodium intake was cut drastically. I also scaled back on how much salt I cook with. I've noticed that my weight doesn't fluctuate much at all day-to-day and I think the sodium plays a big part. I used to swing 3-4 pounds overnight sometimes, depending on my dinner!

That's all I can think of right now. Overall, I think the switch to whole foods has had the most impact on my weight this month. My body feels *so* much better, too, and it's only been four weeks!

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Wednesday Weigh-In: Week 3

It's hard to believe it's only been a week since my last post, because this has felt like the longest week ever. Usually time goes by unbelievably fast!

Posting these Wednesday Weigh-Ins again has been so helpful in getting back on track with my diet and exercise. Getting started was the hardest part, but now that I feel like I'm in a good groove, I feel pretty determined to see it through. And the fact that I saw such good progress in the first couple of weeks was motivating, too.

Running is still HARD. Of course, I don't expect that it'll feel like it did back when I was running regularly and/or training for races. But I just hope it starts to feel easier as I continue to build mileage, because wow, am I out of shape.

This week:

Wednesday- I think I wrote about this last week. Ran 0.80 miles, 12:46/mi pace, average heart rate of 150 bpm.

Friday/Saturday- When I woke up on Friday morning, I let Joey outside and when I opened the door, I smelled smoke really strongly. I thought maybe there was a fire in the neighborhood, but it was 3:00 in the morning and very quiet; I would have heard if there was something like that going on. Still, it was strong enough that I woke Jerry. He told me it was from the Canadian wildfires.

When the sun came up, the sky was so hazy looking. The visibility was terrible. I couldn't even see the trees at the other side of the marsh across the street, which only happens when it's *very* foggy outside. I looked at the weather app, and the air quality was piss-poor (and yes, the smoke was from the wildfires).

This is where the "old Katie" started to nag me. A few weeks ago, I told myself I would run on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays; since "old Katie" had a habit of being very all-or-nothing, it would have felt like I somehow failed if I chose not to run on Friday due to the fires. But I could hear my therapist's voice in my head telling me that I was only practicing self-care; running in such bad quality air would definitely not be taking care of myself.

Still, I was worried that I was subconsciously using it as an excuse to procrastinate or skip my run. Trying to let "old Katie" go, I ultimately decided that I'd skip the run Friday and try for Saturday; if the air was still terrible, I'd even put it off again. The hard part was simply the change in plans--I thrive on routine--but this is an obstacle that I've needed to work on for a long time. A change in plans doesn't have to offset my goals.

It rained Friday night, which helped clear the smoke quite a bit; on Saturday morning, it was much better. I headed out before I could change my mind, aiming for anything more than 0.80 miles (my previous run). It felt hard, like all of the runs have felt so far, but maybe slightly less hard than before. I ran 0.85 miles with a 12:43/mi pace, average heart rate of 155 bpm. This is interesting, because my previous run's heart rate was 150 bpm and I felt HORRIBLE, but at 155 bpm for this one, I felt (slightly) better.

Tuesday- (I'll explain below why I didn't run Monday) I set out to run anything more than 0.85 miles. From the very beginning, my body felt heavy and I could have sworn I was running backwards by how slow it felt. Since I couldn't care less what my pace is, I just focused on trying to reach the distance. I truly thought I might have to stop midway, but after half a mile, I could "see" the finish line and that was enough to make me push on. I was going to stop at 0.86 miles, but I was practically in front of my house, so I just continued until hit 0.90.

Despite feeling terrible, I'd run 0.90 miles with a 12:34/mile pace and average heart rate of 154 bpm. Since I was deliberately going very slowly to try to avoid getting to the point where I can't breathe, I was really surprised to see my pace was faster. So maybe I am improving a little, just not in the way I hoped. (Like I said, I don't care about my pace as much as I do the distance and especially the *feeling*; I ultimately want to be able to run three miles and have it feel easy again.)

The reason I ran Tuesday instead of Monday was because Jerry and I spontaneously decided on Sunday morning to go for a bike ride at the Metropark (this led to sore hips and thighs). A spontaneous bike ride is *extremely* unusual for us. Ever since lockdown, we sort of got into the habit of being far less active in our free time. We've never been one of those couples that goes out kayaking, cycling, running, etc. every weekend (that would be great, but it's never been us).

In fact, I couldn't even remember the last time I rode my bike. Three years ago? Five? Jerry even got our bikes tuned up last summer and we never. took. them. out. So, when I was feeling kind of antsy on Sunday morning, I told Jerry that I felt like *doing* something--I didn't know what that meant, just that I had some energy to burn. He suggested going for a bike ride (probably not even being serious) but I actually thought that sounded like a good idea. And now that he has a truck, we're able to easily take our bikes somewhere to ride (we don't have sidewalks or bike paths near home, and it's pretty dangerous to ride on the roads).

We parked in the same place that Jessica and I used to park for our long runs when we were marathon training. One direction of the path leads into the Metropark, and round-trip is 10 miles (I'm surprised I remembered that, considering I haven't done a long run in probably seven or eight years).

It wasn't too hot or sunny, which is why I ended up really enjoying it (if it had been sunny, I probably wouldn't have gone). There were a lot of people out walking, biking, fishing... it was rarely busy when I used to run that route, so it was nice to see people out being active. And it was inspiring to me to make me want to be more active, "just for fun".

We took our time and chatted the whole way, and we really enjoyed it. We stopped for a picture on the bridge where we'd had our first kiss back in 1999!

Remember that time I went for a long bike ride with my helmet on backwards? Hahaha, Jerry never lets me forget it.

We both said we should go again next weekend; the whole thing, including the drive, only took about two hours and it set a good mood for the rest of the day.

Anyway, I feel good about my activity for the week. I did all three runs, increasing the distance (just slightly) each time; and I did exercise when I didn't even *have* to ;)

As far as my diet... three weeks in, and I've still been making some variation of beans and greens for dinner. I usually cook every other day; I'll make four portions and we eat it two days in a row. It's so odd not having to feed kids! Of course they're welcome to eat what I cook, but beans and greens aren't exactly the most enticing for 20- and 22-year old boys.

If I were cooking for just myself, I would eat dahl literally every day, but I've been making a variety of things to keep it interesting. I've been taking pictures and at the end of the month, I'll do a post of all the variations I've made. I honestly think that the beans and greens are what is making my weight drop like it is. We haven't had any processed/convenience food (for a while, Jerry was obsessed with breakfast burritos--tofu scramble with potatoes, peppers, vegan cheese, and chopped vegan breakfast "sausage" on a tortilla--and we ate it way too frequently).

The beans and greens are so filling that I don't even have thoughts of snacking after dinner. The sodium reduction alone is probably responsible for the large drop in what I assume was water weight. After last week's large loss on the scale, I assumed this week would be negligible; but once again, I was pleasantly surprised to see the scale moving along in a downward direction.

I was at 159.6 last week, and this morning I weighed 157.4.

It feels SO good to see progress. My poor food choices over the last couple of years had been hanging over my head and just felt so heavy all the time. But I guess I just wasn't in the right frame of mind to change it. I want to keep this momentum and make some permanent (healthy) habits!

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Wednesday Weigh-In: Week 2

Mirror selfies are the worst--so awkward!

Believe me, nobody is more surprised than I am that I have kept up with this for two weeks, haha. Knowing that I had committed to posting here on Wednesdays has actually been really helpful, though--now I remember why I liked the accountability (and also hated it sometimes).

This week hasn't been eventful at all, so this is going to just be a quick recap and weigh-in.

Jerry and I have still been eating some form of beans and greens every day for dinner, and I really love it. I don't think my digestive system has EVER been this happy! To find recipes/ideas, I've basically just been choosing bean dishes and then adding greens whether the recipe says to or not. Dr. Greger's cookbooks, How Not to Die Cookbook and How Not to Diet Cookbook, have a lot of good recipes that include beans and greens, too.

I had a container of salad greens that I bought with the intention of having salad before dinner every day, but didn't end up doing that. Next time, I need to make my dressing before buying the greens--otherwise, I get lazy and don't feel like getting out the blender and all the ingredients to make dressing. I didn't want to waste the greens, though, and I wondered if I could incorporate them into the beans and greens. (This was a mesclun/spring mix, so it included some red and green leaf lettuce; and cooking lettuce seemed really weird to me.)

When I googled it, I was very surprised to see it's actually super common to add lettuce to soup and other hot dishes! I made creole beans and added several handfuls of the mesclun mix (chopped) while it was cooking. It all wilted just like any other green and I honestly wouldn't have known what the heck kind greens were in there. We ate it with red rice and it was delicious!

Of course, this morning I happened to read that there is a big outbreak of some parasite in fresh produce, causing cyclosporiasis (main symptom is explosive diarrhea, can last weeks). And guess which of the 34 states who are reporting cases has the highest number? Correct, it's Michigan. Particularly, my county and two bordering it. And the most likely source for it? Lettuce mixes. Naturally.

It can't be killed with the typical chemicals, bleach, vinegar, or from freezing, but cooking food to at least 158 F will kill it. So maybe being too lazy to make salad dressing saved my ass (literally) this time. Jerry and I are going to Eastern Market (a farmer's market) in Detroit this weekend, so I'll buy a bunch of greens there. Collard greens freeze really well.

There is also a Vegan Fest in Detroit on Saturday! Other than my friend Bonnie, who lives in West Virginia, I don't know any other vegans. I'm excited to go check it out and talk to some of the vendors, and not feel like "the weirdo" with crazy harebrained ideas, like choosing not to eat animals ;) If anyone else is planning to go, let me know and I'd love to say hello.

[I started this post by saying it would be short and to the point. Have I *ever* done that?!]

Anyways, my food has been great this week--tons of fiber, beans and greens for dinner, lots of water. No sweets or snacking after dinner. Eating a filling dinner has helped a ton in cutting out the snacking.

As far as my return to running...

It's been SO HARD. I've been doing what I planned (three days a week, only goal is to run farther than the time before, in order to build my endurance up to three miles again). I am still just so stunned at how hard running feels. I had forgotten what it's like to be a true beginner, and to say it's humbling is an understatement. It's also been super hot and humid over the last couple of weeks. I've been doing my runs in the morning, but it's still not very hospitable.

-Last Wednesday, I did 0.63 miles at 13:04/mi. Average heart rate of 148 bpm.

-Friday, I had a VERY hard time. I kept telling myself to just go slowly, I can reach 0.64 miles (just slightly more than Wednesday). I ended up doing 0.65 at 13:23/mi and had an average heart rate of 150 bpm. (The air felt thicker, so I think that had something to do with it feeling so hard.)

-Monday, I was totally dreading it. I'd had such a rough run on Friday that I didn't want a repeat. Thankfully, it ended up going much better than I expected. I even thought about doing a full mile, but then I realized that would mean I'd have to do more than a mile next time. I'd rather just do smaller increments until it feels easier. So I ran 0.75 miles at 13:00/mi with average heart rate of 153 (interesting that my heart rate was higher but I felt better).

-I ran early today, knowing how hot it's going to get, and once again, felt like I was going to die. I pushed hard to finish 0.80 miles at 12:46/mi and 150 bpm heart rate.

And finally, my weigh-in...

Last week, I was at 166.2, and I was 158.6 today--what the heck?! Believe me, I am shocked. I was unsure I should even post this, because it's very atypical; I must have been retaining some serious water weight or beans and greens are magical foods. I definitely notice a difference in my clothes, though, which is nice. I'm not expecting a big loss (if any) on the scale next week after a week like this, but right now I'm happy to see the 150's again!

[It's funny, I remember saying, probably several times over the years, that I "never wanted to see the 150's again". It hits a lot different on the way down than it does on the way up!]

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Wednesday Weigh-In: Week 1

Surprise! I actually stuck to my plan and I'm posting a Wednesday Weigh-In.

First, though, I want to apologize for last week's blog update email. I use a company called "follow. it" to take care of my rss feed--basically, whenever I publish a post, they send out an email saying that there is a new post on my blog. I even pay extra so that I can personalize the sender, subject line, and get rid of the ads (even if I left the ads on there, that money doesn't even go to me--so why would I do that?!).

Well, the site wasn't taking my payment a couple of months ago, so I decided to try again later--and I forgot. My payment defaulted and I didn't know it, but they reset the things I'd personalized back to their "free" plan (tacky ads, no subject, etc.). Meanwhile, I'd contacted their support so that I could make my payment (the site still wasn't accepting it), I made the payment and apparently everything was good to go. And then I was pissed when I saw the email that was sent out after my last post. You can't even really tell what it is! If I didn't know what follow.it was, I wouldn't have even opened it.

So anyway, I *hopefully* have it taken care of now. I guess I won't know until I publish this post. Moving on...

I honestly had absolutely no idea when or what my previous weigh-in was, but curiosity got the better of me and I looked it up. It was on May 15, 2024--I am stunned that so much time has passed since I stopped writing frequently.

Back then, my weight was at 145.4. Now I kind of wish I hadn't looked, because I hate seeing the effect the last couple of years has had on my weight.

A note about my shirt: I've been really into altering clothes lately--I started by just doing visible mending of some clothes with patches and embroidery to hide stains or tears, as well as covering logos with appliqué. Anyway, my therapist talks a lot about the importance of self-care and it started a routine that I've been doing for nearly a year now and I love it:

My therapist's office is right around the corner from a huge Salvation Army store, and after my sessions, I go pick out a "project piece" for the week. For the shirt in my weigh in photo, I saw the green hoodie and loved the color--but it had a Moosejaw logo across the front. With some inspiration from Pinterest, I gathered up scraps and made the "very hungry caterpillar" to get rid of the logo. I also embroidered "eat the rich" under the caterpillar to let out a little political frustration, haha.

Anyways, now I pick out a project piece each week after therapy and make something that either turns out cute or turns into a dust rag or more scraps for another project. But it's been a really fun routine that I look forward to every week. And then I usually wear my project piece to therapy the next week.

Here is another shirt I did. When I was in elementary school, we had a very fun custodian who all the kids really liked. He used to call me "Katydid" and I remember feeling special that he gave me a cool nickname (although I'm sure all the kids had nicknames).

Before I even get into my weigh-in today, I should mention a few things that may affect my weight loss/gain this time around. First, my age--I started having perimenopause symptoms about a year ago and from everything I've heard/read, it becomes *very* difficult to lose weight in the peri/menopause years. I keep hoping I'm the exception 😂 

I'm also not as active as I used to be. For several years, I was remodeling the house and garage, refinishing furniture, building things with wood, and it seemed like I always had some project that was very labor intensive. My favorite pastime right now is sewing/crafting, which requires a lot of sitting (I do keep my iron all the way across the room from my sewing machine so that I have to constantly walk back and forth, though--every little bit helps!)

Following my surgery, my thyroid (or the half that's left of it) has been doing the job so far of keeping up with my thyroid hormones. As long as that stays good, my thyroid shouldn't cause problems with my weight.

Anyways, about this week... I actually did pretty well. Jerry and I stuck with our plan of having some sort of beans and greens dinner every day. I've been taking pictures, so maybe at the end of the month I'll post the meals we've had. I've been trying to be creative so that it doesn't feel like eating the same thing all the time and it's surprisingly easy to adjust most meals to include a bean and a green. My digestive system seems so much happier now that I'm back to eating loads of fiber and mostly whole foods.

As far as running goes, I chose to go the way of a full beginner again (well, myself as a beginner). I've done four runs since my last post (first one was right after I posted), and my only goal for each run is to run a little farther than the previous run. Even if it's just a hundredth of a mile, I will eventually reach my goal of three miles.

Let me tell you, that first run was HUMBLING. It doesn't help that I picked the hottest/most humid day in the middle of a heat wave to start. For the first day, I decided to start by just going around the block and if I felt okay, try to go farther.

Well. I felt like I was going to die after the first lap around the block--0.41 miles--and I stopped there. It hasn't been *that* long since I ran around the block, but it felt ten times harder than before. And I wasn't even going fast--my pace was 13:01/mile. I don't know if the weather had anything to do with it, but it was already 80 degrees with full sun at 6:30 AM, and the air felt like a steam room.

Friday was run number two and since I know that running around two blocks is half a mile, I figured I'd do that. It was just as hot, and I was really not looking forward to feeling as miserable as the last one. However, because the distance is so short (relatively speaking), I told myself I'd be back home in less than 10 minutes, tops.

It definitely felt just as hard. Harder, even. I almost started walking as soon as I hit 0.42 miles, but I managed to push myself to finish. Total of 0.51 miles, pace was 12:42/mi.

Monday, it was 70 degrees and raining and I couldn't have been more thrilled. ANYTHING was better than the heat and humidity from the previous two runs. I was afraid to try adding another block to the distance, so I ran the same two blocks as before but added a short 0.02 by going just past my house. Total was 0.53, with a 12:49/mi pace.

Which brings me to today. The air was thick with humidity when I stepped outside to fill the squirrel feeder--and that was at 5:30 this morning. I was hoping that I was miraculously back in shape when I headed out to run and it would feel fantastic. Alas, that was not the case (shocking, I know). When I run a block going in a different direction, it's 0.63 miles total, so I chose to try that today. I figured that if it was too hard, I'd just try to make it to 0.54 miles and then walk the rest of the way.

Well, it was definitely hard, so I kept reminding myself to slow down. It's easy to pick up speed without realizing it and suddenly I'm struggling to breathe and I have to slow myself back down. Being this out of shape isn't fun at all.

Anyway, I gave it my all in order to finish out the whole 0.63 miles--I was only a couple of houses from home when, of course, Joey had to stop and poop. So I had to stop my watch for about 15 seconds while I picked up his poop and I could have used that as an excuse to just stop there, since I'd already gone farther than last time, but I started running again and finished it out. Ran 0.63 miles with a pace of 13:04/mi.

I'm going to consider my running this week a success. Even though it was extremely difficult for me, and I was very humbled, I did what I'd said I would--run a little farther each time--so I am happy with that.

And finally, my Wednesday Weigh-In. I didn't do an "official" weigh in for week 0, but I was at 168.8 last Wednesday, and today I was at 166.2. I don't really have any expectations for my weight because of the variables I mentioned earlier, so I'm good with this.

For this coming week, my plan is to just keep doing what I'm going. Lots of fiber, portion control, and building up my running fitness. I have to say, knowing that I was going to be posting this today was VERY helpful all week--the accountability factor is real. One week down, and now onto week two! 

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Runs for Cookies v. 2.0

I bet you didn't expect to see a post from me in your inbox today! Haha. This post has been on my mind for months and it's finally time (I feel like by posting about this, I'm committing to it... which is why it took me so long).

I've been thinking about doing Wednesday Weigh-Ins again and I pretty sure I'm ready. I haven't written much about weight in a few years, mainly because I feel like I *should* be "body positive" and "happy at any size", and that "weight is just a number". That's what we've all learned over the last 10 years or so, right? I love the idea. But.

I'm *not* happy with my size and it's hard to feel positive about it. I know that I'm not morbidly obese anymore, but I am not even a little bit comfortable with my size now (physically or mentally). The last 20 pounds have always made a huge difference for me in lots of ways; I now have about 35 pounds to lose (my goal is 133). Other than a few random moments, I've been between 160 and 170 for at least a year and a half I think.

I have no photos for this post, so here is a picture of Joey from a couple of weeks ago. Can you believe that's a 12-and-a-half-year old dog?!

This is where I feel like my blog is starting version 2.0.

I've taken such a long hiatus from blogging that I feel like I'm starting completely over with my original goals (weight loss and running). Obviously I don't have as much weight to lose as I did in 2009, but it still feels very daunting. I'd like to work on both my weight/diet and running again, from a beginner level. A few months ago, I started running again (beginning with just half a mile) and I managed to increase a bit each run--running three days a week.

After five weeks, I got sick (just a cold but my throat was really sore) and my three days off turned indefinite. I recognize that one of my biggest faults is that I'm a perfectionist about certain things--if I break a streak of some sort, I have a very hard time just moving on. I talked about this in my last therapy session, which is probably why I'm inspired to actually get this post written.

[Side note: Therapy has been going *very* well. This is, by far, the most progress I've made with a therapist. I would feel comfortable posting details here if it didn't involve other people in my life. It's not fair to them, especially considering I haven't even talked to any of them about it. So, I'm sorry to say that I have to post the cryptic version on my blog. I know how annoying that is, I really do. So, you can just skip ahead a couple of paragraphs--that's what I would do, out of spite 😂

Basically, I've discovered how a few incidents from my childhood/teens have caused me to have overwhelming anxiety over things in day-to-day life that other people would think are totally no big deal. About four years ago, it got much worse, causing big disruptions in my life. So my therapist and I have been exploring those distortions and he's helping me learn to put myself first and set boundaries. I've especially made huge progress on my anxiety over the past few weeks! End side note.]

Anyway, Jerry and I have been feeling very mortal lately. I swear, ever since I turned 40, I started noticing and questioning every little difference in my body. I also started getting perimenopause symptoms about a year ago, which doesn't help. The biggest shock, though, came in December 2025. There was a super-early text from my mom telling me to call her when I woke up. I get out of bed embarrassingly early anyway, so I called her back right away.

She told me Kevin had died. Kevin was a good family friend and also my friend Audrey's husband. To refresh your blog knowledge: Audrey and my sister have been best friends since childhood; Audrey was basically a sister growing up, super close with my family. Kevin's mom and my mom were best friends as well (going back to childhood). We all lived in the same small town. I've mentioned Audrey in my Winers posts and some running posts, and most recently was last July when we went to the casino for Noah's birthday.

Needless to say, Audrey is essentially family. Everybody was thrilled when Audrey and Kevin got together as adults. Then married. And then had a son, who is a little younger than Noah.

The last time I saw Kevin was at my brother's July party last year. Ironically enough, when he was walking toward my sister and me with his ear-to-ear smile and wide sparkling eyes crinkling at the corners--you know, that super happy look that just makes you hate them because you wish you could be *that* happy? yeah, that--and I thought to myself, "THIS is what they mean when they say, 'his smile lit up a room' on every true crime podcast ever. (Note: if you don't want to get murdered, don't light up a room with your smile or give anyone the shirt off your back.)

Anyway, Kevin had a BIG presence--extremely social, charismatic, and lively. And the last time I saw him, he could not stop talking about his son, who was only a freshman in college at the time--and works for NASA. Kevin was SO proud. "How many people can say they have a kid who works for frickin' NASA?!"

So, Kevin and Audrey were on vacation in Florida in December. Kevin was complaining about his arm hurting during lunch and Audrey said they should at least get him checked out at the hospital. [Side note: A few years ago, Audrey was on vacation with Kevin and their son, as well as her dad, in Mexico. They were on a scuba excursion when her dad had a heart attack and passed away on the boat. So naturally, better safe than sorry when Kevin wasn't feeling good.]

Kevin began driving to the hospital and Audrey said all of a sudden he just slumped over the steering wheel, unresponsive. She somehow managed to stop the car. She was trying to flag a car to pull over and help (no one did), and she couldn't get Kevin out of the car. Anyway, it was awful--Kevin had already passed from a heart attack, likely before she even stopped the car. He was only 52.

This shook me. I grew up around Kevin! And now we're at the ages where we have to think that a heart attack out of nowhere is a real possibility. Death of "natural causes" is no longer extremely rare at this age.

A couple of months later, I learned that actor James Van Der Beek died of colorectal cancer at age 48. I wasn't a recent fan of his, but I was a big Dawson's Creek fan back in the day and this news was shocking to me as well. Maybe it's just the algorithm of life in general, but it seems like I've been seeing stories everywhere lately about people in their 40's and even 30's getting--and dying from--colon cancer. It used to be something you didn't really worry about until you were 50 and starting preventive colonoscopies every 10 years. Now the recommended age for screenings is 45, but I think it should be even lower than that.

After Kevin's death and reading more and more about people my age getting colon cancer, I felt kind of "scared straight". Jerry, too--he said Kevin's death made him feel so mortal it's kind of scary. We decided we need to really clean up our lifestyle habits. Being vegan is a great advantage against colon cancer, but Jerry (who is plant-based) and I had been eating way too many convenience foods, not enough vegetables, and we could definitely stand to dial down the evening snacking. And as always, sweets are my nemesis.

I'm not good at moderation--never have been--so I knew I needed to cut the sweets out entirely. I made a bet with a friend, knowing I would lose a significant amount of money if I caved, and it's been at least a few months now. The bet goes until late-August, but I'm not planning to start eating sweets again if I can help it. It's way too hard to quit!

Jerry and I also quit snacking at night, for the most part. I changed up my routine entirely, actually. I have started eating a large breakfast (not in volume, but calories), skipping lunch (or having something very small like popcorn or fruit), and having a large dinner--essentially just splitting my calories up into eating twice a day. I didn't do that for any sort of conscious strategy, it's just what feels most natural to me (at least right now). Lunch is inconvenient, and since I eat a big breakfast, I don't feel super hungry anyway.

I suspect that the calories in my dinner are much higher than I thought. Otherwise, I'd have lost weight! I haven't counted calories in over four years, but I'm going to track them for the next couple of weeks just to see if I am, in fact, eating more than I think. If I am, I just need to cut down on portions at dinner.

My main dietary goal right now is to eat as much fiber and vegetables as possible. My breakfast is loaded with 21 grams of fiber (I make a bowl with Grape Nuts, uncooked oats, frozen blueberries, cocoa powder, shredded coconut, almonds, flaxseeds, chia seeds, hemp seeds, almond and coconut extracts, and plain unsweetened soy milk). It's SO good.

One of my favorite meals is Jerry's Beans & Greens and while we were eating it recently, I said there were so many variations we could probably make with a "beans and greens" combo, we should try out some ideas. I started going through cookbooks and soon had a long list of ideas to try.

I thought it would be fun to make a challenge for the month of July to have some sort of beans and greens for every dinner this month. Not only is it one of the healthiest combinations you can make, there are so many variations if you get creative. Ever since becoming vegan and trying all sorts of new foods, I discovered just how much I like Indian food and I cook it often. Thankfully, dahl (Indian lentil curry) is one of my favorite meals and is a very easy dish to throw some greens into.

Diet aside, I still haven't really decided what to do about running. I *think* I'm going to go back to my roots from 2010 and start that way--basically running as far as I can, and then trying to go a little farther each time. I'd started with three days a week, about 30 minutes each time. I swear, if I ever get my fitness level back to where I can run three miles and have it feel very easy, I will never skip a run again!

Anyway, aside from the weight loss, diet, and running stuff, I honestly don't have a lot to say. If I actually do follow through with posting Wednesday Weigh-Ins again, I'll try to write a few tidbits though.

The past few months have been kind of wild. A couple of years ago, Jerry had the opportunity to start traveling for work (visiting and helping at other plants). Usually, he's gone for a few days or a week; well, in March, he went to Texas for FIVE WEEKS, coming home the beginning of May. That was, by far, the longest we'd been apart in our 27 years together. I hate to think of myself as codependent, but I totally am. I had a very hard time for the first few weeks, and then when I finally started to get into a new routine, it was almost time for him to come home. (Only to go back last week! Only for a few days this time, though.)

Okay, this is much longer than I thought. I actually started writing this about two weeks ago, but was having such a hard time writing--I guess that's what happens when you're this out-of-practice. If all goes according to plan, I'll post a weigh-in next Wednesday. Let's hope this week goes well!

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My Squirrels

I'm going to stop saying that I'm going to write more often. I have every intention of doing it, but time just goes by so fast! I had been meaning to write an update post about my new year's resolutions, but last weekend turned into a little bit of a nightmare, so I want to write about that.

First, you all know how I feel about my squirrels. I have a huge tree in my backyard right off of our back deck, and we've had about six squirrels at a time living in that tree for years. I've seen many generations of squirrels, and I love seeing the cycles--pregnant mom, then tiny babies. It's SO CUTE to see mom "training" her babies. From what I can tell, she makes them stay in a certain area on the tree and they watch her as she comes to the deck to get nuts from me. After about a year, the babies are brave enough to come up to me on their own.

It's hard to tell without a reference with a larger squirrel, but this is one of the babies when mom says it's okay to go play

One of the things I love most is that the squirrels trust me. It's very difficult and takes time to earn their trust, but eventually they recognize my voice and my hand signal that I have nuts for them. I keep peanuts (in the shell) out at all times, but for hand-feeding, I have walnuts, pecans, and hazelnuts (all in-shell), as well as shelled walnuts and pecans. Yes, they are spoiled!

Here is a short compilation video... (I hope this works--I feel like I don't even know how to compose a blog post anymore, hahaha)

I used to name them, but eventually it was hard to tell some of them apart, so I just started calling them all "Buddy". They frequently come up to the back door and look inside the kitchen to see if I'm around. Whenever I see them, I open the door and hand them a nut. It feels like passing out candy to trick-or-treaters! Whenever I cook dinner, they see me through the skylight in the kitchen and I can see them come down from the tree to the deck.

At least once or twice a day, I go outside with my "nut sack" (hahaha, I will never NOT laugh at that--it's a little bag I made to hold nuts). The squirrels sit on the railing (sometimes four of them at a time, which you can see in the video above) and I continuously hand out the shelled nuts. I watch them eat and then they reach their hands out for another. I love that they hold onto my fingers while they pick up the nut with their mouth. This time I spend outside is something that I look forward to every day; I go out there with no distractions and just interact with my beloved squirrels. It's therapeutic for me.

I know that to a lot of people, it seems ridiculous to love squirrels this much. But they bring me joy! Lately, I've had so much heavy stuff on my mind; feeding the squirrels is one of the only moments during the day where I can shut out the noise in my head and focus on the present.

Last Friday, it was *insanely* windy (not to mention cold). Well, Chick (my cat) hates storms and the wind was freaking him out. He was standing outside of Noah's door in the hallway and meowing loudly, so I started to walk over to him to comfort him. As I was walking past my dining room, I heard a loud crack from the backyard, and looked outside to see (what I thought was) a large branch coming off of my squirrel tree.

We've lost a branch here and there through the years, but this looked big. As I stood there, I saw the ENTIRE TREE tip over and uproot. This tree was massive! Maybe 80 feet tall? (I'm totally guessing). I just started yelling, "Holy shit, oh my god!" over and over again while I panicked a bit. Noah was the only one home and he was sleeping.

The view from my window 😞 

Where I like to sit and feed the squirrels

My first thought was my squirrels. I was so worried about them, and I knew that one of them had babies very recently. I immediately ran outside and started looking for the babies. I knew where all the hidey holes were, so I just went from one to the next, searching. I was about to give up when I heard a loud squeaking noise (it's a baby squirrel in distress cry) and I followed the noise. I saw a tiny baby underneath a huge branch and my heart sank. I thought the branch was pinning it down and I was so scared that I wouldn't be able to get it out.

Thankfully, I was able to reach under and grab it. I held it against my chest to warm it and he stopped his cry. I started looking for any siblings nearby and didn't see or hear any. At that moment, my next door neighbor came over and I told him what I was doing. He said, "Did you see the front of your house?"

I had run outside right after the tree fell, so I didn't know what he was talking about. He said that a utility pole fell on top of my garage, and the wires were hanging over our driveway. That was obviously a big deal, but my first priority was finding the squirrels. I went back to where I found the one baby and dug around inside the tree. Right as I was about to give up, I found another baby. I continued to look for babies and their mom. As I was doing that, a police officer or firefighter came into the backyard to tell me that he taped off the street in front of my house because of the power lines. I still hadn't even looked at it yet, so I went inside with the babies and put them inside of a winter hat to keep them warm, then I walked out to look at the garage.

Baby boys, a week and a half old

Sure enough, the utility pole had come down right on top of the garage and punctured a large hole in it. There was also a dead tree across the street that had fallen into the road, blocking the road off. My electricity went out, of course. And interestingly, my neighbors' still had power. It was just my house that lost power! Between the tree, the branch, and the electricity, it reminded me of the subreddit r/fuckyouinparticular, because nobody else in the neighborhood had damage.

I had no idea what to do about the squirrels. It was still crazy windy and cold outside, so even if mom came back for them, she had nowhere to put them, considering the tree was on the ground. With all that was going on, I called Jerry and ask if he could come home from work. He left work and when he got home, he said he called wildlife rehabs on his way home and lined something up for us. I was SO grateful! The woman from the rehab told us what to do--absolutely do not try to feed them or give them anything to drink, and it was absolutely crucial to keep them warm. She suggested putting one of those disposable handwarmers under a blanket. 

She said we could wait until morning when the wind died down and try to get the mom to come back by playing a loop of the baby squirrel in distress cry (I found it on a wildlife rehab site). If that didn't work within an hour or two, we could bring them to her.

Without electricity, it was SO COLD in the house that night. The thermostat said 51 degrees on that first night. I put the squirrels (still in the hat) into a small box with a handwarmer underneath them. I was worried about the cats finding them, so I slept with them right next to me. 

In the morning, it was still very cold, but I tried doing what the rehab woman suggested with the squirrel cries. There were no squirrels in sight, which was disheartening. I felt *horrible* about taking the babies from their mom, but I decided to bring them to the rehab. They were only about a week and a half old, so they needed to eat. The woman at the rehab was so kind and I felt very confident that the babies were in good hands with her. She texted later that night to say they were eating and doing well.

Jerry and I, on the other hand, were freezing. The thermostat got down to 45 degrees that second night! The energy company still hadn't come to fix the pole. On Sunday, I called my brother, Nathan, who is a lineman for the energy company and told him what was going on. He called his supervisor and after some digging around, it turned out that someone had marked the job as "complete" on Friday night. So they didn't even know that we still had no power!

On Sunday evening, they came out and restored power temporarily. They still had to replace the pole, but they at least got the wires back up out of the way. Jerry had to put a tarp over the hole in the garage roof. We were so excited to get warm and sleep in a warm bed! (Interestingly, we discovered that when a Tempurpedic mattress gets super cold, it becomes hard as a rock.) We contacted the insurance company about the wind damage, who sent an adjuster out a couple of days ago to assess. 

Once all the chaos was back in order, I kind of had a little breakdown. I am completely devastated about the tree. I'm sure the squirrels will probably still come around, but it's just not the same. I loved sitting out on the deck and watching the squirrels in the tree. It was also home to a lot of them. I can always plant another tree (and I will) but it'll be at least 15-20 years before it'll be big enough for squirrels to inhabit. And you all know how good I am at growing trees. 🙄 

For a few days, I didn't see a single squirrel at all. Today, there were three that kept coming up for nuts. Usually there are about six. I just feel like my spirit is crushed. I'd already been having a tough time mentally, but this was a huge blow. I'm not sure I did the right thing with the babies, but at least I know they are safe. I haven't seen their mom yet.

Anyway, that was quite the weekend. Right now, it's windy and snowing, and I just want the weather to warm-up!

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Goals for 2026

Hello, hello! I have been starting every post with "it's been so long", "time is flying", etc. So I won't go into that. (Maybe nobody is even still reading--but I am finally writing.)

As you know from the past, I *love* setting goals for the new year. January 1st always feels so refreshing and hopeful. Despite all of the stuff I've been dealing with for the last few years, I am still feeling hopeful that things will turn around if I just keep working at it.

This year, I haven't set the type of goals I used to in the past. It feels overwhelming to me to think of running a race again, or reaching my goal weight, or something that is very concrete--black or white. Either I do it or I don't. So, this year, I am changing that approach.

Instead, I want to focus on developing good habits. Notice I say "developing"; I am not aiming for perfection, but progress. I want to feel better at the end of this year than I do now, mentally and physically. So, I wrote a list of things I'd like to work on. I'm not referring to using a "habit tracker" because I don't expect to fulfill everything every day.

I'm sort of following the Atomic Habits guidelines--learning the habits I hope to develop while doing the minimum to start out. For example, instead of saying I'm going to read one book a month, my goal is to read two minutes a day. Some days I'll just do the minimum, some days I'll get engrossed in the book and read for a couple of hours. And yet other days, I am sure I won't read at all for one reason or another. Like I said, I'm not aiming for a "streak" of perfection. That has never gotten me very far in the past. I'm trying to get out of the habit of being an all-or-nothing thinker.

That said, my list is pretty long, much longer than previous years when I've chosen a few "big" goals. These are the things I'd like to work on:

*Eat whole foods. Limit sweets as much as possible. Eat lots of veggies.

*Drink a lot of water. I've gotten out of this habit and I feel chronically dehydrated.

*Walk or run around the block--at minimum--daily. It's only 0.4 mile around the block and when walking with Joey (who is super slow and has to stop and smell everything) it takes me about 10 minutes. (Joey does get walked more than this; Jerry and the kids take him as well.) Ideally, I'll add a block once a month. Adding a block only adds about 0.15 of a mile, so it's not doubling the distance each month--definitely doable.

*Use the mini trampoline/rebounder twice a week for two minutes each time. I can do this after my walk. It's been sitting in the garage, unused, for a long time and I'd like to give it some use. Again, I would ideally like to add time spent on it; but this will increase over the course of the year rather than trying to do something like 30 minutes at a time right away. (My legs would never hold up for this--I can't believe how hard of a workout it is!)

*Reply to texts within eight hours. I know this sounds odd, but I am TERRIBLE at replying to texts (and even worse with emails). It causes me a lot of stress when I don't reply in a timely manner because I feel really bad, but I am SO slow at texting that it takes forever to type it out. I usually read texts within an hour or two, and I plan to reply when I can take the time to type it out, but then I end up forgetting (or I reply in my head and later realize I never actually did it). I know I can use voice-to-text, but the mistakes and bad grammar drive me crazy--I end up proof reading and changing it and it takes just as long. So, I need to either not worry about voice texts people may have to decipher or I need to take the time to type out a reply as soon as I read it. I chose eight hours because it would definitely be an improvement as of right now.

*Try my best to work through my inbox of email. I literally have emails from two YEARS ago that I haven't yet replied to (when readers take the time to write me, I like to take the time to write back). The reason they sit in my inbox is because I want to write a thoughtful and personal reply, which takes some time, and I don't carve out time for this.

*Hopefully post on my blog more often, ideally once a week. Even if it's just a "Friday Night Photos" type post, with or without the actual photos, to write about my week. Those posts are valuable to me because it's a type of journal of what I've been up to, and I like to have those memories written down.

*Send one card, via snail mail, per month to a friend. Getting "real" mail is always so fun, so I'd like to hopefully make someone smile when they get something that isn't a bill or advertisement or political propaganda.

*Stick to a simple cleaning schedule. I've always just done chores that looked like needed to be done rather than a schedule to keep on top of everything. I didn't make the schedule too complicated, and it's already made a difference in how I feel. My biggest one is making sure the kitchen is clean before I go to bed--no pots soaking in the sink, crumbs on the counters, etc. It's nice to wake up to a clean kitchen.

*Write one line a day in my five-year journal. This can take me less than 30 seconds, very simple.

*A one hour time limit on Reddit. Reddit is the only form of social media that I use, and I really don't post much there; but I do go down rabbit holes of posts and threads that interest me. And I'll end up clicking to outside links to articles, getting lost in those. I think one hour a day is a good amount of time. Again, I'm hoping for progress, not perfection.

*Sit outside (or walk) and just appreciate nature for two minutes a day. My therapist offers "walk and talk" sessions at a park next to his office and before we walk, he always takes a moment to look around and just take it all in with gratitude. I'd like to start seeing the outdoors with more appreciation.

*Learn to meditate. My brain is ALWAYS working at 100 miles per hour and I would love to learn to turn off all the noise in my head, even if it's only for a couple of minutes a day. Nita Sweeney (the author of one of my favorite memoirs, "Depression Hates a Moving Target") so kindly sent me her book called "A Daily Dose of Now", which is made up of 365 mindfulness meditation exercises that are very short and simple. I've done several of them with the intention of doing them daily, but then I forget and months go by.

*Do daily stretching for my back. My back pain has gotten so much worse over the last few years and my muscles are constantly tight. Becky (my brother's ex-wife) used to work as a massage therapist and when I was at her house in November, she explained to me my problem areas and how to address them (in addition to suggesting I get regular deep-tissue massages). My doctor also ordered physical therapy and I haven't taken the time to set that up, so that is on my list as well.

*Go on a date with Jerry once a month. We've gotten into a comfortable routine at home, and I think it would be nice for us to do something different once in a while. We are going to take turns planning a date each month, even if it's as simple as going to the movies.

There are a few others, but I want to keep those private.

So, that's a long list! But aiming for progress and not perfection keeps it from being too overwhelming. Per the Atomic Habits book, aiming for just two minutes can make a big difference over the course of a year. And ideally, I'll increase the time/distance/pages read/number/etc over the year. For now, though, I am keeping it as simple as possible.

Since I haven't been blogging, I also got out of the habit of taking photos. So I have very little to share! 

Here are a couple of recent sewing projects:

This one is is a quilt (slightly modified) from a pattern called the "It's A Lot" quilt. And as you can see, it's perfectly named! There is a LOT going on here but that's what I love about it; it was far from boring to work on. I enjoy looking at it when I'm using it because all the different blocks are interesting, and I have memories associated with a lot of the blocks (maybe a particular podcast I was listening to while working on it, or a mistake I had to fix, etc.) I pieced the top of this by machine, except for the appliqué "petals" (which took forever) and I hand-quilted it. I've found I much prefer hand-quilting to machine quilting.

I'm in love with this hoodie! I didn't make the hoodie itself, but I did the reverse appliqué on the front and it was my first time trying this technique. Basically, you trace the pattern on the back of a large piece of fabric and sew it to the inside of the hoodie. You sew along the lines of what you've traced (from the inside) and then you turn it right side out and cut away all the bits around the pattern shapes you've sewn. I love it because you don't have to cut out shapes of fabric! You just snip away the pieces around the shapes.

This is a goofy picture of Riley that I took when I was visiting in Minnesota. I brought her and Luke each a silly eye mask (because they fly a lot). When you look at her, it's hard to remember that it's essentially a blindfold and she can't actually see out of it.

This has been my favorite lunch lately and it's so healthy! It's a lentil salad with red peppers, onions, cucumber, chopped almonds, celery, and raisins. The dressing is a simple vinaigrette. Here is the recipe if anyone is interested: "The Best Lentil Salad" from Detoxinista. I use beluga (black) lentils, which have become a favorite because they hold their shape when cooked and don't get mushy.

And that's all I've got! I am going to try very hard to post more frequently (ideally would be once a week, but even once a month would be progress). I always get SO nervous when I think about posting, but I feel really good about it afterward. Again, thank you for thinking of me and I am so sorry that I have been so absent. Therapy has been very helpful so far and I hope that as I continue to work on myself, I'll feel much better. I hope you are all doing well! Until next time... xo.

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So many changes!

I was about to come here to try to write about so many changes that have happened lately in life, and then I see a notice that Google is going to start adding unnecessary links to my posts?! From what I understand, it looks for keywords in the post and then links those to google search results. What a nightmare. I don't think there is a way to turn it off as long as I don't "activate" it (someone on Reddit said that once they clicked the button to activate it, there is no going back). Anyway, if you see links with little magnifying glasses, those are not from me and I really don't want them here.

Well, then, now that I got that intro out of the way... hahaha!

Yes, it's been a long time. Again. I really don't intend to just ignore my blog, emails, and the only social media account I have left (Instagram--I am still trying to work up the nerve to delete it, even though I never use it). I swear, it feels like I blink and months have gone by.

I feel like a crabby old lady who is stuck in her ways and instead of progressing, just continuing to procrastinate. I keep reminding myself that my blog is a hobby and not something to feel guilty about neglecting, but I honestly do feel bad. Especially when people ask how I'm doing or why I haven't written. It's not personal--against anyone--and it's not my intention to ignore things.

Interestingly, I am CONSTANTLY writing posts in my head. [Side note: Did you know that not everyone has an internal monologue? I assumed everybody does! There is not a second in my day where I am not "talking" in my head. It's drives me crazy; I would love to shut it off and take a break as needed.] Anyway, a major part of my inner monologue is narrating blog posts. I just never end up writing them but it feels like I have because my brain already did.

Do you all think I've gone completely bananas yet? ;)

So, changes. I almost feel like an entirely different person than I was three years ago. Some good, some bad, some whatever. Before anyone speculates that there are problems with my family, I assure you that we are fine. Jerry and I are happy, the kids are still living with us and (I hope) happy, no more pets have passed.

But poor Joey... he's losing his hearing. He's 12 years old now and the vet said he's in very good health for his age, but we've noticed that his hearing is starting to go. I don't like to think about it because it reminds me that he's not going to be around a whole lot longer. I've been spoiling him more and more because of it, though!

Here he is hanging out with his cousins a couple of weeks ago

The changes that I'm referring to are mostly within ME. I don't like the word "traumatizing" because it's used so frequently now and it is such a broad term, so I'll just say that something "not great" happened to me a few years ago and I'm still working through it. I tried doing it on my own, but that wasn't working, so I found a new therapist and I don't think I could have picked a better match. He has been super helpful in regard to all of the stuff going through my head and helping me sort things out.

Aside from the "not great" incident, I have been introspecting about topics that I never would have imagined: politics and religion. (I know, right?)

As you probably know, I stay away from controversial topics on my blog. I have always wanted my blog to be a "happy place" (with occasional hypomanic or depressive thoughts thrown in for fun, of course). Certainly never talking about politics or religion (I'm still not going to).

Which is why I just don't have a lot to say recently. Controversial topics always turn to arguing in the comments and that's no fun for anyone. Over the last year, I've gotten very passionate about particular topics (some political and some personal) and I've also been questioning past beliefs (religious) and they have been very intertwined over the last year.

I am SO SAD to see how much hate has come out of people and how divided this country has gotten (among itself and the rest of the world). I am SO SAD to see horrible and scary things happening to good people on a daily basis. I am SO SAD to see people justifying their hatred because someone in power says it's okay to hate and mistreat people. What makes me saddest of all is seeing some of the people I care about taking part in it.

And so I've stepped back. Maybe it's not the best way to handle it, but it's been tearing me up inside and it's easier to remove myself than try to argue with people who are passionate in their own beliefs. My psychiatrist and therapist are helping me (I am grateful for good health insurance!). I've been working on taking care of myself, physically and mentally.

I'm coming up on four years vegan and five years sober. Isn't that wild? I wish my weight was back down where I'm most comfortable (under 135) but I'm at 165 right now. Not for lack of trying! I haven't binged--or eaten sweets--in 45 days. Considering all the stress I've been feeling, I'm very happy with that.

I remember when I worked at Curves (the women's workout facility) the women would all tell me, "just wait until you're 40, losing weight after that is a nightmare" and I secretly thought, "I'll show them; if you just eat right and exercise, how hard can it be?" (I was a naive 21-year old who knew everything).

But goddamnit, they were right. I'm doing the same things I used to do to lose weight and it's just not working like it used to. My weight is moving downward (it was up to 175 at one point) but very slowly. However, I cannot complain too much because the biggest difference right now is that I'm not doing deliberate exercise. (I go for walks with Joey, but those are super slow because he has to smell everything and they're more for him than for me.)

Getting older, my body is getting more poppy and crunchy (you know the noises I am referring to?) when I stand up or bend over or whatnot. So ideally, I'd have a routine with some cardio, some strength, and some stretching. Getting into the habit is what I struggle with. Turning 40 shifted my mindset almost overnight from worrying about my looks to worrying about my health, though. I want to feel good as I age!

Jerry just set up my treadmill in the garage (I had to move it out of the house when Noah moved home) and got a heater, so I am going to try to get in the habit of long walks again. (Also, the older I get, the less I tolerate the cold. I can't believe I used to enjoy running in freezing temps.)

I visited Sarah's grave today. Sarah is my friend from high school who died in 2014 from melanoma (just a couple of weeks before Mark died). Shamefully, today was the first time I went to visit her grave. I've kept in touch with her mom (she's the one who asked me to do the Melanoma 5K Run/Walk in 2018, that you helped me raise funds for), and I don't know why I didn't go before.

Anyway, I had to get lab work done early this morning (my annual physical) and I decided to stop at the cemetery on the way home. She's been on my mind non-stop for a year or two--seriously, I think about her several times a day--and I feel like there has to be a reason for that. I stopped at the store to get something for her grave and I saw the most perfect item: a little stuffed ladybug. Sarah loved ladybugs, enough to where some of her family got ladybug tattoos in her memory. 

Her mom went to the gravesite later in the morning to replace her flowers and saw my ladybug. She sent me this picture. Look how pretty! Sarah loved the fall and especially Halloween.

It felt good to visit her and I definitely plan to go again. With her being on my mind so much, I even made an appointment yesterday for a routine skin check at the dermatologist's office.

Jerry, the kids, and I went to visit Jeanie and Shawn a couple of weeks ago. We hadn't been up there in two years, so it was nice to go visit with them. Next week, Jerry and I are going to visit Becky and the kiddos in Minnesota! I haven't seen Becky since the last time we went out there a year and a half ago, so I'm really looking forward to catching up with her; I miss her a lot.

Anyway, this is my quick here-but-not-here post. I'm still alive, just in the background for the time being. xoxo

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Friday Night Photos

Holy smokes, it's been two months since my last post. Time goes by SO fast--I don't know if not blogging has something to do with that, but it feels like time is going infinitely faster over the last year or so. Anyways, while this isn't truly "Friday Night Photos", I figured I would just do a bullet-style post of random stuff, since it's been so long. (There honestly isn't much to say; I'm just trying to keep life simple right now.)

*I find myself writing posts in my head daily. I was so used to writing every day for years that it's hard not to think in terms of a blog post. If you picture a movie or TV show where someone is narrating their own life, that's kind of how it feels. Silly!

*My throat is completely healed from my thyroid surgery. The saggy skin improved a bit; it still doesn't look "normal", but I don't notice it much anymore.

*Since my surgery met my out-of-pocket max for my health insurance, I've been taking advantage of that by seeing specialists for ongoing problems. Namely, my hands and my back. I've been dealing with carpal tunnel since 2018, and the back problem is one I've had forever (literally 35-ish years).

-The hand doctor ordered an EMG and I was so glad I would finally get carpal tunnel surgery to fix it. But my EMG came back negative! There is NO WAY that the carpal tunnel symptoms are just in my head. I got more answers from the back doctor, though...

-My back pain has gotten horrible over the last year or two, and even worse in the last 4-5 months. It's always been a very specific spot in the middle of my back--not an injury, because it's been there for as long as I can remember--but doctors have never really taken it seriously because I was "too young for back pain" (and thoracic (mid) back pain is less common than neck or lower back pain).

Anyway, this spinal doctor is so refreshing! Maybe it's because I now *look* old enough to have back pain, but either way, I feel like he is going to help me. Based on my x-rays, he said that I have significant arthritis and he ordered an MRI of my neck and back (my neck because of the symptoms in my arms/hands). 

I have a follow-up appointment on Monday to go over the results, but from what I can see in my chart, my back is very screwed up. My neck, just as badly. I have arthritis all over, a couple of bulging discs, a hemangioma, and just a lot of wear and tear in general. Every disc from my mid-neck to my lower thoracic vertebrae has something going on with it. And the "carpal tunnel" symptoms could very well be caused from pinched nerves in my neck. Is there a solution? I have no idea. I'll learn more on Monday after I see the doctor. 

*I won't go on and on about this, but the state of this country has done a number on my mental health. I've never gotten political here and I still won't, but I'm just sad to live in a world with so much hate and uncertainty. November was the first time I ever voted; I'd been so worried about what was going to happen based on the results of the election, and now it's all happening. I worry so much about everything, all the time, and now politics is in there, too. I just wish my mind could take a vacation and I could forget about everything for a while.

*The kids are still living at home (for the most part; when he's not working, Noah spends most of his time at his girlfriend's house). I never thought I'd worry even more about them when they are adults, but here I am. Maybe this is why I seem to be having some sort of existential crisis--I spent their whole lives as a stay-at-home mom who had control, for the most part, and now that they are adults I just have to sit back and watch.

*Noah turned 21 last month. I have a 21-year old! Jeanie happened to be in town and she loves casinos. Jeanie, Shawn, Audrey (you may remember her from my blog at certain points), Jerry, and I took Noah to the casino in Toledo. It was fun! And Noah really enjoyed himself. I made him a mushroom-themed cake for his birthday. It turned out kind of goofy, but it was fun to make! Luke and Riley helped me.

*Funny story: We had a busy day--my uncle's 90th birthday party in the afternoon, and then the casino in the evening, with no time in between. We headed out to go to the casino, and it took about 40 minutes to get there. We arrive, take Noah's picture by the "Must be 21 to enter" sign, and head inside. Then Noah looked totally panicked and I *knew* that look--because I remember having it before. He forgot his ID!!! The guys went back to get his ID, and Jeanie, Audrey, and I got started at the casino. (I don't like to gamble, so I just watched.) Guys arrived with Noah's ID, and he was able to get in.

*No more drama with the pets, thankfully. I was worried about Joey because he had a large lump on his side, but the vet did a needle biopsy and it's just a lipoma (benign fatty tumor). It's hard to believe he's 12-ish years old; he acts much younger. The kittens are staying out of trouble, and Estelle is still grouchy old Estelle. (I believe she is 16)

*I've still been sewing quite a bit, but not as much as last summer. I really like to quilt, so I have an ongoing project that I work on a little each day. Once in a while, I make a smaller project that I can finish in a few days just to keep from getting bored. I recently made this bag for Jerry and he was thrilled. I love how it turned out!

*This summer has sucked horribly because of the humidity. I don't ever remember a summer that has been so hot/humid as this one has been. Jerry and I got our bikes tuned up a couple of months ago so we could start riding on the weekends and it's just been too humid. I really hope that fall will be nice!

*My weight is back up. I hate that this is a forever-battle. I'm at about 170 right now, having gained almost 10 pounds since my last post. I'm still trying. Always.

*I got a whopping 50 pounds of peaches from The Peach Truck this year. I feel like I ate nothing but peaches for about two weeks, not including the salsa, preserves, and pies I made. I also gave away several pounds. By getting the "early bird special" on the peaches, they came with two bags of pecans. My squirrels were thrilled, haha.

Well, that's all I've got for now. I'm going to try and take more pictures so that I might remember things to write about! I rarely take photos anymore.

'Til next time! xo

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