Goals for 2026

Hello, hello! I have been starting every post with "it's been so long", "time is flying", etc. So I won't go into that. (Maybe nobody is even still reading--but I am finally writing.)

As you know from the past, I *love* setting goals for the new year. January 1st always feels so refreshing and hopeful. Despite all of the stuff I've been dealing with for the last few years, I am still feeling hopeful that things will turn around if I just keep working at it.

This year, I haven't set the type of goals I used to in the past. It feels overwhelming to me to think of running a race again, or reaching my goal weight, or something that is very concrete--black or white. Either I do it or I don't. So, this year, I am changing that approach.

Instead, I want to focus on developing good habits. Notice I say "developing"; I am not aiming for perfection, but progress. I want to feel better at the end of this year than I do now, mentally and physically. So, I wrote a list of things I'd like to work on. I'm not referring to using a "habit tracker" because I don't expect to fulfill everything every day.

I'm sort of following the Atomic Habits guidelines--learning the habits I hope to develop while doing the minimum to start out. For example, instead of saying I'm going to read one book a month, my goal is to read two minutes a day. Some days I'll just do the minimum, some days I'll get engrossed in the book and read for a couple of hours. And yet other days, I am sure I won't read at all for one reason or another. Like I said, I'm not aiming for a "streak" of perfection. That has never gotten me very far in the past. I'm trying to get out of the habit of being an all-or-nothing thinker.

That said, my list is pretty long, much longer than previous years when I've chosen a few "big" goals. These are the things I'd like to work on:

*Eat whole foods. Limit sweets as much as possible. Eat lots of veggies.

*Drink a lot of water. I've gotten out of this habit and I feel chronically dehydrated.

*Walk or run around the block--at minimum--daily. It's only 0.4 mile around the block and when walking with Joey (who is super slow and has to stop and smell everything) it takes me about 10 minutes. (Joey does get walked more than this; Jerry and the kids take him as well.) Ideally, I'll add a block once a month. Adding a block only adds about 0.15 of a mile, so it's not doubling the distance each month--definitely doable.

*Use the mini trampoline/rebounder twice a week for two minutes each time. I can do this after my walk. It's been sitting in the garage, unused, for a long time and I'd like to give it some use. Again, I would ideally like to add time spent on it; but this will increase over the course of the year rather than trying to do something like 30 minutes at a time right away. (My legs would never hold up for this--I can't believe how hard of a workout it is!)

*Reply to texts within eight hours. I know this sounds odd, but I am TERRIBLE at replying to texts (and even worse with emails). It causes me a lot of stress when I don't reply in a timely manner because I feel really bad, but I am SO slow at texting that it takes forever to type it out. I usually read texts within an hour or two, and I plan to reply when I can take the time to type it out, but then I end up forgetting (or I reply in my head and later realize I never actually did it). I know I can use voice-to-text, but the mistakes and bad grammar drive me crazy--I end up proof reading and changing it and it takes just as long. So, I need to either not worry about voice texts people may have to decipher or I need to take the time to type out a reply as soon as I read it. I chose eight hours because it would definitely be an improvement as of right now.

*Try my best to work through my inbox of email. I literally have emails from two YEARS ago that I haven't yet replied to (when readers take the time to write me, I like to take the time to write back). The reason they sit in my inbox is because I want to write a thoughtful and personal reply, which takes some time, and I don't carve out time for this.

*Hopefully post on my blog more often, ideally once a week. Even if it's just a "Friday Night Photos" type post, with or without the actual photos, to write about my week. Those posts are valuable to me because it's a type of journal of what I've been up to, and I like to have those memories written down.

*Send one card, via snail mail, per month to a friend. Getting "real" mail is always so fun, so I'd like to hopefully make someone smile when they get something that isn't a bill or advertisement or political propaganda.

*Stick to a simple cleaning schedule. I've always just done chores that looked like needed to be done rather than a schedule to keep on top of everything. I didn't make the schedule too complicated, and it's already made a difference in how I feel. My biggest one is making sure the kitchen is clean before I go to bed--no pots soaking in the sink, crumbs on the counters, etc. It's nice to wake up to a clean kitchen.

*Write one line a day in my five-year journal. This can take me less than 30 seconds, very simple.

*A one hour time limit on Reddit. Reddit is the only form of social media that I use, and I really don't post much there; but I do go down rabbit holes of posts and threads that interest me. And I'll end up clicking to outside links to articles, getting lost in those. I think one hour a day is a good amount of time. Again, I'm hoping for progress, not perfection.

*Sit outside (or walk) and just appreciate nature for two minutes a day. My therapist offers "walk and talk" sessions at a park next to his office and before we walk, he always takes a moment to look around and just take it all in with gratitude. I'd like to start seeing the outdoors with more appreciation.

*Learn to meditate. My brain is ALWAYS working at 100 miles per hour and I would love to learn to turn off all the noise in my head, even if it's only for a couple of minutes a day. Nita Sweeney (the author of one of my favorite memoirs, "Depression Hates a Moving Target") so kindly sent me her book called "A Daily Dose of Now", which is made up of 365 mindfulness meditation exercises that are very short and simple. I've done several of them with the intention of doing them daily, but then I forget and months go by.

*Do daily stretching for my back. My back pain has gotten so much worse over the last few years and my muscles are constantly tight. Becky (my brother's ex-wife) used to work as a massage therapist and when I was at her house in November, she explained to me my problem areas and how to address them (in addition to suggesting I get regular deep-tissue massages). My doctor also ordered physical therapy and I haven't taken the time to set that up, so that is on my list as well.

*Go on a date with Jerry once a month. We've gotten into a comfortable routine at home, and I think it would be nice for us to do something different once in a while. We are going to take turns planning a date each month, even if it's as simple as going to the movies.

There are a few others, but I want to keep those private.

So, that's a long list! But aiming for progress and not perfection keeps it from being too overwhelming. Per the Atomic Habits book, aiming for just two minutes can make a big difference over the course of a year. And ideally, I'll increase the time/distance/pages read/number/etc over the year. For now, though, I am keeping it as simple as possible.

Since I haven't been blogging, I also got out of the habit of taking photos. So I have very little to share! 

Here are a couple of recent sewing projects:

This one is is a quilt (slightly modified) from a pattern called the "It's A Lot" quilt. And as you can see, it's perfectly named! There is a LOT going on here but that's what I love about it; it was far from boring to work on. I enjoy looking at it when I'm using it because all the different blocks are interesting, and I have memories associated with a lot of the blocks (maybe a particular podcast I was listening to while working on it, or a mistake I had to fix, etc.) I pieced the top of this by machine, except for the appliqué "petals" (which took forever) and I hand-quilted it. I've found I much prefer hand-quilting to machine quilting.

I'm in love with this hoodie! I didn't make the hoodie itself, but I did the reverse appliqué on the front and it was my first time trying this technique. Basically, you trace the pattern on the back of a large piece of fabric and sew it to the inside of the hoodie. You sew along the lines of what you've traced (from the inside) and then you turn it right side out and cut away all the bits around the pattern shapes you've sewn. I love it because you don't have to cut out shapes of fabric! You just snip away the pieces around the shapes.

This is a goofy picture of Riley that I took when I was visiting in Minnesota. I brought her and Luke each a silly eye mask (because they fly a lot). When you look at her, it's hard to remember that it's essentially a blindfold and she can't actually see out of it.

This has been my favorite lunch lately and it's so healthy! It's a lentil salad with red peppers, onions, cucumber, chopped almonds, celery, and raisins. The dressing is a simple vinaigrette. Here is the recipe if anyone is interested: "The Best Lentil Salad" from Detoxinista. I use beluga (black) lentils, which have become a favorite because they hold their shape when cooked and don't get mushy.

And that's all I've got! I am going to try very hard to post more frequently (ideally would be once a week, but even once a month would be progress). I always get SO nervous when I think about posting, but I feel really good about it afterward. Again, thank you for thinking of me and I am so sorry that I have been so absent. Therapy has been very helpful so far and I hope that as I continue to work on myself, I'll feel much better. I hope you are all doing well! Until next time... xo.

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So many changes!

I was about to come here to try to write about so many changes that have happened lately in life, and then I see a notice that Google is going to start adding unnecessary links to my posts?! From what I understand, it looks for keywords in the post and then links those to google search results. What a nightmare. I don't think there is a way to turn it off as long as I don't "activate" it (someone on Reddit said that once they clicked the button to activate it, there is no going back). Anyway, if you see links with little magnifying glasses, those are not from me and I really don't want them here.

Well, then, now that I got that intro out of the way... hahaha!

Yes, it's been a long time. Again. I really don't intend to just ignore my blog, emails, and the only social media account I have left (Instagram--I am still trying to work up the nerve to delete it, even though I never use it). I swear, it feels like I blink and months have gone by.

I feel like a crabby old lady who is stuck in her ways and instead of progressing, just continuing to procrastinate. I keep reminding myself that my blog is a hobby and not something to feel guilty about neglecting, but I honestly do feel bad. Especially when people ask how I'm doing or why I haven't written. It's not personal--against anyone--and it's not my intention to ignore things.

Interestingly, I am CONSTANTLY writing posts in my head. [Side note: Did you know that not everyone has an internal monologue? I assumed everybody does! There is not a second in my day where I am not "talking" in my head. It's drives me crazy; I would love to shut it off and take a break as needed.] Anyway, a major part of my inner monologue is narrating blog posts. I just never end up writing them but it feels like I have because my brain already did.

Do you all think I've gone completely bananas yet? ;)

So, changes. I almost feel like an entirely different person than I was three years ago. Some good, some bad, some whatever. Before anyone speculates that there are problems with my family, I assure you that we are fine. Jerry and I are happy, the kids are still living with us and (I hope) happy, no more pets have passed.

But poor Joey... he's losing his hearing. He's 12 years old now and the vet said he's in very good health for his age, but we've noticed that his hearing is starting to go. I don't like to think about it because it reminds me that he's not going to be around a whole lot longer. I've been spoiling him more and more because of it, though!

Here he is hanging out with his cousins a couple of weeks ago

The changes that I'm referring to are mostly within ME. I don't like the word "traumatizing" because it's used so frequently now and it is such a broad term, so I'll just say that something "not great" happened to me a few years ago and I'm still working through it. I tried doing it on my own, but that wasn't working, so I found a new therapist and I don't think I could have picked a better match. He has been super helpful in regard to all of the stuff going through my head and helping me sort things out.

Aside from the "not great" incident, I have been introspecting about topics that I never would have imagined: politics and religion. (I know, right?)

As you probably know, I stay away from controversial topics on my blog. I have always wanted my blog to be a "happy place" (with occasional hypomanic or depressive thoughts thrown in for fun, of course). Certainly never talking about politics or religion (I'm still not going to).

Which is why I just don't have a lot to say recently. Controversial topics always turn to arguing in the comments and that's no fun for anyone. Over the last year, I've gotten very passionate about particular topics (some political and some personal) and I've also been questioning past beliefs (religious) and they have been very intertwined over the last year.

I am SO SAD to see how much hate has come out of people and how divided this country has gotten (among itself and the rest of the world). I am SO SAD to see horrible and scary things happening to good people on a daily basis. I am SO SAD to see people justifying their hatred because someone in power says it's okay to hate and mistreat people. What makes me saddest of all is seeing some of the people I care about taking part in it.

And so I've stepped back. Maybe it's not the best way to handle it, but it's been tearing me up inside and it's easier to remove myself than try to argue with people who are passionate in their own beliefs. My psychiatrist and therapist are helping me (I am grateful for good health insurance!). I've been working on taking care of myself, physically and mentally.

I'm coming up on four years vegan and five years sober. Isn't that wild? I wish my weight was back down where I'm most comfortable (under 135) but I'm at 165 right now. Not for lack of trying! I haven't binged--or eaten sweets--in 45 days. Considering all the stress I've been feeling, I'm very happy with that.

I remember when I worked at Curves (the women's workout facility) the women would all tell me, "just wait until you're 40, losing weight after that is a nightmare" and I secretly thought, "I'll show them; if you just eat right and exercise, how hard can it be?" (I was a naive 21-year old who knew everything).

But goddamnit, they were right. I'm doing the same things I used to do to lose weight and it's just not working like it used to. My weight is moving downward (it was up to 175 at one point) but very slowly. However, I cannot complain too much because the biggest difference right now is that I'm not doing deliberate exercise. (I go for walks with Joey, but those are super slow because he has to smell everything and they're more for him than for me.)

Getting older, my body is getting more poppy and crunchy (you know the noises I am referring to?) when I stand up or bend over or whatnot. So ideally, I'd have a routine with some cardio, some strength, and some stretching. Getting into the habit is what I struggle with. Turning 40 shifted my mindset almost overnight from worrying about my looks to worrying about my health, though. I want to feel good as I age!

Jerry just set up my treadmill in the garage (I had to move it out of the house when Noah moved home) and got a heater, so I am going to try to get in the habit of long walks again. (Also, the older I get, the less I tolerate the cold. I can't believe I used to enjoy running in freezing temps.)

I visited Sarah's grave today. Sarah is my friend from high school who died in 2014 from melanoma (just a couple of weeks before Mark died). Shamefully, today was the first time I went to visit her grave. I've kept in touch with her mom (she's the one who asked me to do the Melanoma 5K Run/Walk in 2018, that you helped me raise funds for), and I don't know why I didn't go before.

Anyway, I had to get lab work done early this morning (my annual physical) and I decided to stop at the cemetery on the way home. She's been on my mind non-stop for a year or two--seriously, I think about her several times a day--and I feel like there has to be a reason for that. I stopped at the store to get something for her grave and I saw the most perfect item: a little stuffed ladybug. Sarah loved ladybugs, enough to where some of her family got ladybug tattoos in her memory. 

Her mom went to the gravesite later in the morning to replace her flowers and saw my ladybug. She sent me this picture. Look how pretty! Sarah loved the fall and especially Halloween.

It felt good to visit her and I definitely plan to go again. With her being on my mind so much, I even made an appointment yesterday for a routine skin check at the dermatologist's office.

Jerry, the kids, and I went to visit Jeanie and Shawn a couple of weeks ago. We hadn't been up there in two years, so it was nice to go visit with them. Next week, Jerry and I are going to visit Becky and the kiddos in Minnesota! I haven't seen Becky since the last time we went out there a year and a half ago, so I'm really looking forward to catching up with her; I miss her a lot.

Anyway, this is my quick here-but-not-here post. I'm still alive, just in the background for the time being. xoxo

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Friday Night Photos

Holy smokes, it's been two months since my last post. Time goes by SO fast--I don't know if not blogging has something to do with that, but it feels like time is going infinitely faster over the last year or so. Anyways, while this isn't truly "Friday Night Photos", I figured I would just do a bullet-style post of random stuff, since it's been so long. (There honestly isn't much to say; I'm just trying to keep life simple right now.)

*I find myself writing posts in my head daily. I was so used to writing every day for years that it's hard not to think in terms of a blog post. If you picture a movie or TV show where someone is narrating their own life, that's kind of how it feels. Silly!

*My throat is completely healed from my thyroid surgery. The saggy skin improved a bit; it still doesn't look "normal", but I don't notice it much anymore.

*Since my surgery met my out-of-pocket max for my health insurance, I've been taking advantage of that by seeing specialists for ongoing problems. Namely, my hands and my back. I've been dealing with carpal tunnel since 2018, and the back problem is one I've had forever (literally 35-ish years).

-The hand doctor ordered an EMG and I was so glad I would finally get carpal tunnel surgery to fix it. But my EMG came back negative! There is NO WAY that the carpal tunnel symptoms are just in my head. I got more answers from the back doctor, though...

-My back pain has gotten horrible over the last year or two, and even worse in the last 4-5 months. It's always been a very specific spot in the middle of my back--not an injury, because it's been there for as long as I can remember--but doctors have never really taken it seriously because I was "too young for back pain" (and thoracic (mid) back pain is less common than neck or lower back pain).

Anyway, this spinal doctor is so refreshing! Maybe it's because I now *look* old enough to have back pain, but either way, I feel like he is going to help me. Based on my x-rays, he said that I have significant arthritis and he ordered an MRI of my neck and back (my neck because of the symptoms in my arms/hands). 

I have a follow-up appointment on Monday to go over the results, but from what I can see in my chart, my back is very screwed up. My neck, just as badly. I have arthritis all over, a couple of bulging discs, a hemangioma, and just a lot of wear and tear in general. Every disc from my mid-neck to my lower thoracic vertebrae has something going on with it. And the "carpal tunnel" symptoms could very well be caused from pinched nerves in my neck. Is there a solution? I have no idea. I'll learn more on Monday after I see the doctor. 

*I won't go on and on about this, but the state of this country has done a number on my mental health. I've never gotten political here and I still won't, but I'm just sad to live in a world with so much hate and uncertainty. November was the first time I ever voted; I'd been so worried about what was going to happen based on the results of the election, and now it's all happening. I worry so much about everything, all the time, and now politics is in there, too. I just wish my mind could take a vacation and I could forget about everything for a while.

*The kids are still living at home (for the most part; when he's not working, Noah spends most of his time at his girlfriend's house). I never thought I'd worry even more about them when they are adults, but here I am. Maybe this is why I seem to be having some sort of existential crisis--I spent their whole lives as a stay-at-home mom who had control, for the most part, and now that they are adults I just have to sit back and watch.

*Noah turned 21 last month. I have a 21-year old! Jeanie happened to be in town and she loves casinos. Jeanie, Shawn, Audrey (you may remember her from my blog at certain points), Jerry, and I took Noah to the casino in Toledo. It was fun! And Noah really enjoyed himself. I made him a mushroom-themed cake for his birthday. It turned out kind of goofy, but it was fun to make! Luke and Riley helped me.

*Funny story: We had a busy day--my uncle's 90th birthday party in the afternoon, and then the casino in the evening, with no time in between. We headed out to go to the casino, and it took about 40 minutes to get there. We arrive, take Noah's picture by the "Must be 21 to enter" sign, and head inside. Then Noah looked totally panicked and I *knew* that look--because I remember having it before. He forgot his ID!!! The guys went back to get his ID, and Jeanie, Audrey, and I got started at the casino. (I don't like to gamble, so I just watched.) Guys arrived with Noah's ID, and he was able to get in.

*No more drama with the pets, thankfully. I was worried about Joey because he had a large lump on his side, but the vet did a needle biopsy and it's just a lipoma (benign fatty tumor). It's hard to believe he's 12-ish years old; he acts much younger. The kittens are staying out of trouble, and Estelle is still grouchy old Estelle. (I believe she is 16)

*I've still been sewing quite a bit, but not as much as last summer. I really like to quilt, so I have an ongoing project that I work on a little each day. Once in a while, I make a smaller project that I can finish in a few days just to keep from getting bored. I recently made this bag for Jerry and he was thrilled. I love how it turned out!

*This summer has sucked horribly because of the humidity. I don't ever remember a summer that has been so hot/humid as this one has been. Jerry and I got our bikes tuned up a couple of months ago so we could start riding on the weekends and it's just been too humid. I really hope that fall will be nice!

*My weight is back up. I hate that this is a forever-battle. I'm at about 170 right now, having gained almost 10 pounds since my last post. I'm still trying. Always.

*I got a whopping 50 pounds of peaches from The Peach Truck this year. I feel like I ate nothing but peaches for about two weeks, not including the salsa, preserves, and pies I made. I also gave away several pounds. By getting the "early bird special" on the peaches, they came with two bags of pecans. My squirrels were thrilled, haha.

Well, that's all I've got for now. I'm going to try and take more pictures so that I might remember things to write about! I rarely take photos anymore.

'Til next time! xo

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I'm Alive

Found this five-leaf clover in my yard! It's supposedly a 1 in 100,000 find.

I know, I know. It's been over a month since my last post. Time goes by way too fast these days.

I haven't really been looking forward to writing because I don't know quite what to write. I've had a lot going on lately, but I stopped feeling comfortable writing about personal/vulnerable things a long time ago. I don't know that I'll ever get that back.

Also, "blogging" in general has gone so far downhill and it feels almost obsolete. I try not to use the word "hate", but I have gotten to the point where I really do *hate* AI and what it has done to the internet. You never know what is real or fake anymore--photos and articles alike--and it has ruined the creativity that I used to enjoy seeing online. Seeing posts and photos of everything going on this country (and the world) is really wearing on me emotionally, too.

I've been asking myself over and over if I'm ready to forever close the book that is my blog, and I just don't think I can do that yet. So, I've been in a sort of limbo, and I just try not to think about it because it makes me overthink everything (and I do enough overthinking as it is).

My blog was actually completely gone for a few hours last week and I was SO panicked when I woke up to a notice that my credit card was expired and my domain name didn't renew. So when you typed in my domain, Runs for Cookies was just gone. That was scary!

For now, I'm just going to write if and when I get the urge to. I did promise, however, that I will write a "goodbye" post when I decide to stop blogging. So if my most recent post is not stating that it's the last post, then I still plan to write (or I've died). I haven't been on social media at all and I rarely check my email; it's not that I'm trying to be antisocial, I just feel very overwhelmed. So I apologize if you've reached out and I haven't responded yet.

I haven't gone completely off the rails, however! Haha. I've been eating much better since my surgery and I feel good about that. I wish my weight would go down, but it's going VERY slowly. I think the last time I wrote, I was at 167. I'm at 160 right now, which is still 25 pounds more than where I feel most comfortable. I've also found myself not caring nearly as much about my weight. I have been eating well because I want to be healthy; I never really gave much thought to my mortality until I hit 40, and now I notice things here and there that really make me feel my age. (I always felt so much younger.)

I haven't been running and I don't have plans to. I would love to start doing my daily five-mile walks again, and now it's just a matter of making myself get into that habit. Jerry and I have been taking (very slow) walks just for enjoyment. I like not having the pressure of a running or even walking schedule; I found it makes me want to go for walks more often when I don't "have" to. Yesterday, I met a friend for a long walk and it was so nice to not focus on anything except walking and talking.

Sewing is still my favorite pastime, although I haven't been doing nearly as much as I was last year. I read several times recently about how people naturally get into bird watching as a hobby in middle age, and I *never* see myself doing that--I do not like birds even a little bit--but I've been very into my squirrels lately. I've always loved feeding and interacting with them, but I've been spending a lot more time outside with them. I stopped naming them when I couldn't keep track anymore, and I now just call each of them "Buddy" or "Bud", haha. There are a few that I am especially fond of.

Jerry and the kids are doing good. Noah had his wisdom teeth removed last week, and we were very nervous about it. After what happened to Eli (he woke up halfway through the surgery and felt literally everything), Noah was very reluctant to do it, and I don't blame him. He went to the same oral surgeon that I had in November and thankfully, everything went fine! He stayed asleep the entire time. In fact, he was the total opposite of Eli; he was completely out after his surgery from the time the nurse helped me get him into the car until several hours after we got home.

I actually had a bit of a panicky moment when we got home. Jerry and Eli were at work and I underestimated how much help Noah would need getting into the house. I managed to get him out of the car, but then he was just all dead-weight and I couldn't move him! (He's only 130 pounds, but it's hard to carry someone when they can't help carry their weight at all.) Thankfully, I saw my neighbor in his driveway and yelled for his help. He was kind enough to help me get Noah into the house and on the couch, where he stayed for the rest of the day. His mouth has been healing great! I'm so glad to get that out of the way.

One of these days, maybe I'll go through my pictures over the last few months and write a better update. It's always on my mind but getting started is the hard part. It's been too long!

Since I've been writing so infrequently, I just want to mention that you can subscribe to receive an email when I do write a new post (it doesn't subscribe you to anything else--just my new posts). That way, you don't have to check back over and over. If you enter your email in the box below, you should get a an email that you will need to confirm the subscription (and you can unsubscribe easily). I'm not trying to push anyone into it, but I'm continuing to pay for the service, so it might as well get used. (I really hope this form works! I haven't messed with html in a long time.)

Get new posts by email:

Cheers! Until next time. xo

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The One With The Missing Needle

I'm not even sure how to intro this story, so I'm just going to jump right in...

A few weeks ago, I was hand quilting in my bedroom. I'd been working on a queen-size quilt (just the one that I mentioned on my last post). Throughout the project, I'd do a little here and there--even if it was just one length of thread, it was inching me closer to finishing.

Anyway, I have a little pincushion that I made *specifically* because I worry about my cats eating thread. It's just a small mason jar with a cushion on top. Whenever I snip the tails of my thread, I immediately put them in the jar and put the lid on. Not taking any chances.

I also have a small sewing kit I made just for hand quilting or sewing, making it easy to move my stuff around the house with me wherever I feel like working on it. In the kit is a little needle book that holds the different types of needles I use. I try to keep a stash of five of each type in there so that if they bent or whatever, I can easily grab a new one.

I go through quilting needles probably faster than I should. On that day, I had to switch out my bent needle and I grabbed another from the book. I noticed I was down to the last needle, so I just made a mental note to add a few more later. I quilted with one length of thread and then I rethreaded the needle to start another. After I tied the knot in the end, I heard something chaotic in the living room--I don't remember what it was--and it made me jump up to go see what happened.

I stuck the threaded needle into the pin cushion (from what I remembered) and set the jar in my sewing kit so that it wouldn't be a totally visible beckoning to the cats for the moment. I set the sewing kit down off to the side behind a chair, and I went to check out what was going on in the living room. Of course, I got distracted and ended up forgetting about my quilting until the following morning.

When I sat down to quilt in the morning, I went to grab a needle from my book and saw there was only one in there. And there wasn't a needle in the pin cushion.

I tried to remember all the details of what happened. Was I missing a needle? I knew that I made a note that I was down to the last quilting needle. When I looked in the book, there was one needle left. So I was questioning myself whether I used that needle and put it back in the book, or had there been one quilting needle left in the book *after I took a new one out*?

My gut was telling me that there had been two needles in the book, and I'd taken one out, leaving the final needle in the book. Whenever I'm done with a needle, I put it in the jar also, to discard later--it wouldn't be a fun thing to find with my feet later on--but I had a few old needles in the jar so I wasn't sure. Also, I couldn't remember if I had already used that length of thread from the day before... had I used it and then put everything away? There was no sign of the thread anywhere.

At that point, I was pretty sure I had a missing needle and length of thread. But I couldn't be absolutely sure and it was nagging at me! So I grabbed a flashlight and a magnet and started crawling around on my hands and knees looking for a needle. I did not find one. BUT. I found a short length of thread with a knot tied in one end. The other end looked broken, not cut.

Then I knew. I was definitely missing a needle and some length of thread. With the thread having a knot in one end, I knew I hadn't used it yet--the other end had to be threaded into the needle. And I never tie a knot without the needle being threaded already. But there was no sign of more thread and definitely no needle.

A needle isn't exactly something that you want to chance a cat passing naturally, so I called the vet. I asked if I could bring in both Chick and Duck for x-rays. My money was on Chick--remember when he swallowed that entire drawstring and then regurgitated it like two days later? Duck is obviously not innocent, after his emergency surgery in 2021 from swallowing four feet of yarn, but my suspicion was Chick. (Estelle never would have done it, so that didn't even cross my mind. Same with Joey.)

I brought them to the vet right away and asked them to check Chick first. Chick thought he was being sneaky by hiding under the chair, hahaha.

When the vet came back, she showed me the x-ray and said that it was definitely Chick that ate the needle. You could see the needle clearly on the x-ray and it was still in his stomach (which is a good thing because as it travels through the intestines, the surgery can get a lot more complicated).

They said they could operate on him that afternoon, just a couple of hours later. And then we got to pick him up that evening because he didn't have any complications (like Duck did, with his fever). He came home in a body suit to keep from licking his incision. He was SO out of it from the anesthesia that it was kind of scary to watch him. He was very restless but would only walk backwards--no joke. He would walk backwards until he bumped into something, then turn and continue on. Thankfully, it only lasted a few hours. He was stoned AF though from his meds.

His aftercare was not at all fun. He came home with five medications--FIVE--and if you have ever given a cat medication, you know that it's an experience. Phoebe left me a sobbing mess sometimes, hahaha. There was a liquid, three regular pills, and then a big pill that had to be crushed, mixed with water, and given orally with a syringe. (Can you think of anything more bitter tasting?)

The meds had to be given twice a day. Chick also could not be jumping or playing or anything like that. That's very hard to do when you have other cats at home and the "cat shelves" in my bedroom (Chick's favorite place to sleep). Also, Chick could only have soft food. Wet food is a big treat to the pets and they got hooked when Duck was recovering. We got into the routine of giving all the pets wet food first thing in the morning, and dry food throughout the day, which is what we have been doing ever since.

Because Chick needed only wet food, I had to feed him several times a day (especially at first, because he didn't want to eat--so I'd open a can only for him to shun it). Of course, I can't give one cat special food because the other cats (and Joey) want it, too. So, I was feeding all the pets smaller portions of food several times a day to keep everybody happy and to help Chick recover.

I'm very lucky that I was able to be home to take care of all of it. I have no idea how we would have managed Chick's recovery otherwise. He's now back to normal and I've learned another lesson the hard way. This was another very expensive and stressful lesson to learn! The part that kills me is that I KNEW BETTER. At the very least, I should have thrown something on top of my sewing stuff to cover it.

Thankfully, everything turned out okay. I am so glad that I (I guess unknowingly) pay attention to the number of needles I have. I don't deliberately count them each time I use them; I only noticed it because I'd made a mental note to add more to the book. But it was the piece of thread with a knot that thoroughly convinced me the needle was missing, whether it was ingested or just lost. Trust your intuition!

These cats keep me on my toes, that's for sure ;)

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Thyroid Photo Timeline (and brief catch-up)

This is an odd post, but I figured I'd share it anyway in case someone is going through a thyroid issue and wants to see photos of what to expect. Honestly, it looks worse than it is. I was expecting a scar, of course, but there were some other changes, too.

Anyway, here goes. Starting with a couple of "before" photos, so you can see the large lump in my neck. At that point, I had no idea it was a mass. I thought it was an enlarged thyroid--something that I'd known for 20 years. It got much bigger pretty quickly, though, which is why it needed to be removed.

This is when I really noticed the size increase. I had been taking a photo to do a Wednesday Weigh-In (which I never ended up doing) and was a little stunned to see my neck. (My neck was not the reason I didn't do the weigh in; I just didn't get around to writing it.)

I was taking a pic of my earrings (just to ask someone about a smaller stud length) so you can't see my whole neck, but this really shows the size from what you can see.

After this is when I had the biopsy, which was awful. You can read about that on this post.

This is a hematoma that formed during the biopsy. I felt like maybe I made a huge mistake in doing the biopsy (even though it was necessary)--my symptoms worsened and it looked horrible. It was very painful, too.

A hematoma is basically a pocket filled with blood. Since there is no incision for the blood to get out, it pools underneath.

I didn't realize how serious a hematoma in your neck is until after I got home from the biopsy and it was getting even harder to swallow. If it continues to bleed, it can close off your airway--so it's important to go get checked out. They didn't really do much at the ER (or even my overnight stay) but they said it was good that I went in. If my airway closed, at least I'd be at the hospital.

The physician assistant who did the biopsy told me that I "may have a small bruise that will go away in a couple of days". Well, here is the timeline for my biopsy bruise... the bruise was there for two and a half weeks. The pictures make it look not that bad, but it was very noticeable. I kept forgetting about it until I noticed people looking at it while I was out in public.

In the hospital after removing the bandage. The swelling had already gone down a noticeable amount.

Three days post-biopsy

Five days post-biopsy. The little dot is where the needles were inserted; I think there is one hollow needle and then six smaller needles were passed through that to collect samples. Or maybe I'm just making that up? I think that's what I was told.

Nine days post-biopsy

Eleven days post-biopsy

Meanwhile, I also had a CT scan and saw just how huge the mass was. It was about 5-6 centimeters, which is considered very large (even the surgeons were kind of impressed at the size). It was pressing up against my esophagus (food tube) and trachea (airway) and even my jugular vein and spine. This is why it was so hard to swallow.

I even started to eat softer foods because I'd almost choked a few times. My voice had changed (the voice box is *right* there and I was told there was a chance my voice would change permanently after the surgery (caused from a complication). I honestly wouldn't have minded! I don't like my voice and I kind of liked the bit of raspiness I'd developed.

I think the biopsy bruise was finally gone after about two and a half weeks. Just in time to be replaced by a scar! Hahaha. Thankfully, the biopsy came back negative for cancer!

I had surgery to remove half of my thyroid (including the entire mass). I wrote about the surgery on this post, so I won't write about it again. But here are some post-op photos...

Twenty-four hours post-op. I was horrified when I saw this. After removing the ACE bandage the following day, this is what it looked like. The tape on there is a Steri-strip and it meant to dissolve on its own.

Just another angle at 24 hours post-op.

The next day, I felt like it just got worse. I was relived to be able to shower, though! The adhesive on my neck collected lint and grime and it looks gross, I know. Showering was scary; I was worried I was going to open my incision or something.

Twelve days post-op. There is still some residual adhesive, but touching it gave me the heebie jeebies, so I didn't scrub it.

Thirteen days post-op. I used tweezers to gently pick away the residue from the Steri-strip, and I felt like it looked so much better after that!

Exactly one month later, which is about six weeks post-op.

Another angle. Without tilting my head back, you can see all the loose and puckered skin. I don't know if this will go away or not. It almost feels like the muscles holding my neck skin more taut loosened up or something.

The puckered skin on my neck, along with the puckered skin on my chin (which was from my jaw repair surgeries in 2010), my face isn't looking too good these days, hahaha. They aren't hidden with clothes--even a turtle neck can't cover it up, so I just have to be okay with it. The scar isn't an issue for me, but I really hate the loose skin.

And as of this moment, this is what my scar looks like... not bad at all!

The problem is that it only looks okay when I have my head tipped back. When I put my head down, it looks like this...

I don't want it to discourage anyone from getting the surgery if they need it, but I also want to be honest about what to expect. Nobody ever mentioned anything about my skin (other than a scar) so I was not expecting this at all. I don't know if it will get better over time, but I don't imagine it will.

Other than all of the thyroid stuff, not much has been going on. I'm still not feeling better mentally, but I follow up with my psychiatrist this month about the new medication, so I may just need a higher dose.

I haven't lost any weight, although I do start every day with the mindset of getting back on track with not only my diet, but my life in general. I feel overwhelmed; so far behind on everything. Including email! If you are waiting for a response, I am so sorry. I've been spending as little time on the computer as possible. I've been feeling really nostalgic for the 90's lately; I miss doing things without technology everywhere. So I've been working on that recently.

And still sewing! I've been doing a lot of hand-sewing and hand-quilting lately. My post about recent projects is about a year overdue now, hahaha. I just don't have pictures of things, so I need to take the time to take some pictures.

Noah is living at home again, and I love having a buddy here! Eli doesn't hang out with me like he used to, but Noah has been playing Dr. Mario with me (the old school Nintendo one--I am *awesome* at it, haha), chatting with me about his day, asking me to watch movies with him, show him how to cook things, etc.

I've been working on redoing my bedroom decor as well. The childish theme Jerry and I tried out was fun for a couple of years, but we were ready to move on from the black walls and ceiling! I've painted the ceiling white (and no, it wasn't hard to cover the black--one coat of Kilz and two coats of Sherwin Williams paint) and the walls a sort of medium-navy. They aren't too dark or too light.

My color inspiration actually came from a quilt I am working on right now (I swore I would *never * get into quilting, yet here I am). I bought a bunch of fat quarters (a quarter of a yard of fabric) on Ebay--they are civil war reproduction prints and I absolutely love how the colors go together. (I had to put a safety pin in each of the 806 squares to hold it together while quilting, which is why I have this spread out on the floor!). 

I have a few more things to do to my room (including finishing this queen-size quilt!) and then I'll post pictures. Rose (Noah's "girlfriend"; they broke up but it was very amicable and they are still close friends) loves to decorate and she's been helping me with ideas. I'm still leaving all the cat shelves up; the cats use them so much that I'll never be able to take them down. Most of them are at the ceiling, though, so they don't hinder furniture or anything.

So that's the gist of what's going on with me. As soon as I'm feeling better, I will write a "real" post, I promise!

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The One With The Ashes

I've been wanting to write about this for a while but since I haven't been writing at all lately, I kind of forgot about it. I was telling a friend about it today, so I'm going to write this before I forget again.

If you missed the post, Phoebe (our 18-year old cat) passed away in November. (The post is here.) We made the decision to euthanize her when we took her to the vet (she looked terrible and seemed to be in pain... the vet agreed it was time).

I know I just wrote Phoebe's backstory in the post about her, but a relevant tidbit here is how Phoebe came to be our cat. A mom in the MOMS Club I was in while my kids were little was looking for a home for a stray cat that her sister had taken in. We only had Chandler at the time, so we decided we wanted her.

Rose made this little stuffed Phoebe for me for Christmas! The little box contains Phoebe's ashes.

Side note: How CUTE is that teeny tiny vase? It's literally a vase for cat whiskers. BAHAHA, I got it for Jerry for Christmas. [If you know, you know.]

She had definitely had a rough start to life--half of her tail was missing (the tip of what was left felt bent, and I imagine that maybe it was slammed in a door) and she had what felt like a BB (like for a BB gun) under her skin in her chest area. We never knew if it was actually a BB, but that's exactly what it felt like, so we assumed she'd been shot at some point. Poor cat!

Anyway, we talked about Phoebe's BB here and there throughout the years (she was about a year old when we got her). The curiosity drove me crazy sometimes--it felt so close to the surface of her skin, and I just wanted to pluck it out and know!

As morbid as it sounds, I'd always planned to ask the vet if they could remove it after she died. I wanted it for some odd reason. However, after the emotional euthanasia visit, the last thing I was thinking about was asking for the BB. When I realized it the next day, I figured it was too late (and definitely a creepy thing to ask on the phone) so I forgot about it.

Until a few weeks later, when I was looking for a spot to put her ashes. The thought of the BB popped into my head again, and I got the idea to look for it in her ashes. I *know* this is weird! I really do. But my curiosity was killing me. I opened up the urn and used a magnet to sift through the ashes.

To be honest, I didn't actually even believe that they were Phoebe's ashes. How would anyone know if they are getting their pet's ashes? I guess I just pictured the crematorium doing a big cremation and divvying up the ashes to each owner, because nobody would know and it would be cheaper. So I didn't expect to find anything, but I just HAD to look.

And then...

I FOUND IT. It took all of about 10 seconds for the magnet to find it.

It was seriously in her ashes! I can't even describe how I felt when I found it, but it was good. I am still so stunned that it was in there. And I learned that it was, in fact, a BB. 

I wanted to share this not only because it's an interesting story, but because maybe if you have doubts about whether your pet's ashes are really *their* ashes, have faith that they probably are. Obviously crematoriums do their own thing, but maybe this will be a little reassuring. I have solid proof that I do, in fact, have Phoebe's ashes!

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Where to Start...?

I am here and I am alive :)  The longer I go without writing, the harder it is to get in the mood to write. I wish I had lots to say, but I honestly can't come up with much of anything at all to say.

I am not doing well. Physically, I've healed from my surgery. The scar doesn't bother me at all. The loose and puckered skin does, but there is nothing I can do about that. I haven't gone to my six-week post-op visit yet, so I don't know if my thyroid hormones are still normal. I am just really hoping that everything is normal and I don't need medication.

Mentally, I am so angry at myself for completely letting myself go in the summer when my headache started. My non-stop headache for four months gave me an excuse to eat and not exercise. I just couldn't focus on anything when my head was hurting, and I made myself feel better by eating junk. And moving around a lot made it worse, so I was the least active I'd been in a long time.

By the time I got my tooth extracted (effectively killing my headache) I had developed horrible habits that I'm still having a hard time changing. My weight is higher than it's been in probably three years, maybe longer--167. In August, it was 145.

[Because I'm sure someone will mention it, I'm 99% sure that my thyroid had nothing to do with the weight gain. It was my bad eating habits for sure. No excuses there.]

I need to make a plan. I'm miserable at this size, which I know sounds ridiculous considering I used to be like eight sizes larger than this, but I just do not feel good in my own skin. I'm a lot saggier than I was when I was running regularly, which is making me want to start running again. I would be a REAL beginner again--only 15 years older than last time, hahaha.

My clothes don't fit and thrift stores are now very expensive so I'm resisting buying clothes--and holding out hope I can lose enough weight to get back into my wardrobe soon.

Needless to say, I am not happy with myself right now. My psychiatrist just added a medication to hopefully help with this stubborn episode of depression. I don't think I've had an episode like this since before my bipolar diagnosis in 2017.

I would end this with promises of writing again soon, but clearly I cannot hold myself to that! I will definitely try though. I really want to write a plan of action to get my life back on track. We've had mild weather for the last couple of days (after tons of snow and ice and miserable cold all winter) so I am hoping that the change in weather will help my mood, too!

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Thyroid Surgery

On my last post, written on January 25th, I said that the next step in this whole thyroid process is that I had to wait for a scheduler to call me to set up the date of surgery. Since the process of getting an appointment at U of M was quite complicated, I assumed the surgery date would be even more so.

A woman from scheduling called me on Monday, the 27th to schedule the surgery. I had already planned to ask for the first available Thursday (the doctor operates on Tuesdays and Thursdays) because I figured Jerry could take Thursday and Friday off work, and then he'd be free on the weekend as well to help me out if needed.

Apparently, there was a canceled surgery on January 30th--just a few days later. I said I'll take it! It all happened so fast that I didn't really have time to even work myself up, haha. From everything I'd read and based on the consult I'd had with the doctor, I felt like it was a straight-forward surgery and relatively simple.

I wasn't given an arrival time until Wednesday; I was to be there at noon on Thursday, with a surgery time of 2:00. The operating room was booked for 3-1/2 hours, which kind of scared me because I thought that felt like a long time for what seemed like a "simple" surgery. They said I'd be able to leave 1-3 hours after surgery, depending on how I'm doing afterward.

That part made me nervous; when I'd left my biopsy, I was back and in the ER just a few hours later. I would actually have preferred that they keep me overnight after surgery! However, it was reassuring that the surgery was likely no big deal.

Jerry and went up to Ann Arbor for a noon arrival on Thursday and I checked in for surgery. (Once again, the receptionist--a different one--thought Jerry was my son. I might as well just accept that I look very old for my age.) The system they have is pretty cool--Jerry would receive continuous text message updates before, during, and after surgery to keep him informed of what was going on. We sat in the waiting room for a little while after we arrived and it was so interesting to people watch!

The room was filled with about 20 Amish people--men, women, and kids--who I'm assuming were waiting on someone to come out of surgery. I loved seeing that not a single one of them was on a cell phone; they were all talking and laughing with each other, reading "real" books, a couple of women were even hand-sewing(!), and the kids were on the floor playing with actual toys instead of on tablets.

I know this makes me sound ancient, but I really miss the days when a waiting room was an opportunity to have a quick chat with a stranger about current events or whatever, and there were outdated magazines to look through, and a sense of camaraderie among everyone waiting their turn. It was refreshing to see this group of people using the time to chat with each other.

Anyway, when it was my turn to go back for surgery, I was taken to an area with a hospital bed and monitors and a curtain around it. My nurse gave me a gown and said I had to take off literally everything--including my underwear?!--and put on the gown. I would have liked to keep my underwear on and I have no idea why I could not, but I did what I was asked and the nurse asked all the appropriate questions in preparation surgery.

While he was doing that, someone else gave me an IV and got me hooked up to some monitors. I was a little nervous after my IV--I've never had a painful IV before, but this one was bothering me pretty badly. She'd gotten blood all over my arm and even swapped out my blanket because it had blood on it. I told Jerry it was a sign we should turn around and go home and forget about the surgery, haha. You all know how anxious I am!

After that, Jerry was able to come wait with me. My cousin, who is a nurse practitioner in the ENT department there, came to visit for a few minutes and she brought one of the doctors on my team with her. She assured me that I had truly the best team I could ask for (and I 100% trust her opinion). The doctor she introduced me to was SO nice and fantastic at answering my questions and super patient with me. I had been ridiculously nervous, but after speaking to them, I felt much more comfortable with the surgery.

The anesthesiologist came to talk to me next, and he was just as great. He's British and has a fun sense of humor; he made me feel comfortable with the anesthesia part. Finally, my surgeon came in to talk to me about the plan. I got the impression that the surgery would be very simple and nothing to worry about. They were only removing the left thyroid, so the chances of needing thyroid medications after surgery are low.

The surgeon said I'd be ready to head home shortly after surgery and that most people are fine with just the usual tylenol/motrin cycle for pain for a day or two. I certainly would not object to "real" pain meds, but it was nice to know that the post-op pain would likely be no big deal.

When it was finally time for my surgery, I said goodbye to Jerry and was taken back to the operating room. Each time I've experienced that for surgeries, it feels surreal. I think it's a combination of my nerves and knowing what's going to happen there, along with the the hustle of everyone doing their jobs to prepare for surgery. I just wanted them to hurry up and put me under anesthesia.

And the next thing I remember is waking up in (what I think was) the same place I'd been for pre-op. The details are kind of fuzzy now, but I remember being in an enormous amount of pain. My throat felt SO tight and I could barely swallow. The nurses were working on getting me stable and comfortable but I was just not expecting the amount of pain that I was in. They asked my pain level and while I wanted to say 10, I knew that everyone probably says that and it's not taken seriously, so I said "8". They gave me more pain meds in my IV. Still no change. More meds. Still no change.

[Side note: I have a ridiculously high tolerance to pain meds. My only guess as to why is because when I broke my jaw, I was on three different narcotics for over eight weeks and it made me much more tolerant of them, I guess. A tolerance to pain meds isn't something you can really explain to doctors, though, because they think you are just seeking drugs.]

They eventually maxed me out on the IV and oral pain meds--all were in disbelief that I was even still conscious--and my pain felt like it was about a 5 or 6. I don't know why I was in so much pain--whether something went wrong during surgery, or my pain tolerance is that of a five-year old child, or my medication tolerance was working against me--but I was not feeling great at all and I was totally regretting the surgery at that point.

The whole care team was SO fantastic, though. Every nurse and doctor and that I interacted with was super kind and caring and helpful. I didn't have any post-op complications that I know of (thankfully no hematoma!) and was able to leave when I felt my pain was under control. (The doctor said that everything went as expected during surgery.)

The next couple of hours were a blur. Lots of meds (and apple juice!) later, I was finally starting to get sleepy enough to go home. Jerry wheeled me out to the car and drove home. My pain was about a 5-6 and I was SO hungry. And tired. I had been awake for about 20 hours at that point (minus the surgery time, about 1-1/2 hours) and hadn't eaten in nearly 30 hours. I wanted to eat but I was extremely nauseous--probably due to the pain meds--and I only managed a few bites of a banana. And for the life of me, I could not sleep. I was wide awake until I finally quit trying to fall asleep and just got up out of bed at 3:00 or so.

I have been avoiding writing about all of this, because I just don't have many positive things to say yet. My outlook right now is not optimistic, but it's real. So, with that in mind, here is where I am at...

I was stunned at how terrible I felt. I wish my expectations had been much worse so that when I woke up from surgery, I would maybe be pleasantly surprised. But the opposite had happened. I spent the next day in a lot of pain and nausea. I was able to take off my bandage 24 hours post-op and I kind of wish I just hadn't looked. My skin looks so bad--very saggy and wrinkled. I can't see the scar yet, but I was never really worried about a scar. I just didn't expect the rest of my skin to look like this.

I am not ready to post a picture yet. I just feel really ugly right now and I'm still in a lot of pain. I've been coughing really hard and that definitely doesn't help with the pain. It made my neck muscles feel incredibly tight and sore. The coughing has gotten better since yesterday, though. My post-op appointment is in a couple of weeks, so hopefully I'll learn more about whether this is all "normal". I hoped I would feel better as far as swallowing, but it honestly feels even harder to swallow now than it did before surgery. I'm guessing this is due to swelling and that it will get better. After all, that was the main reason for this surgery!

So, while I'm feeling like a "negative Nancy" right now, I know it's early yet--just a few days post-op--and I hope that things will get better. It's just hard to do that when I'm in pain and coughing and knowing that I was "supposed" to have been feeling great the day after surgery. I guess only time will tell!

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