My First Real Binge in Over Three Years

So, I binged last night.

I hadn't been keeping track of how long it had been since my last binge, but I knew it had been sometime in early 2017. That was the year I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and started on mood stabilizing medications.

I felt great after starting the meds! And 2017 was the year I decided that I was going to work on living my "happiest life"--doing whatever made me happy and NOT doing whatever didn't make me happy (other than my obligations, of course, like being a chauffeur to the kids and cleaning my house and grocery shopping, etc.).

Living my happiest life seemed to turn off the binge eating disorder. It was like a switch just flipped and I stopped binge eating. Just like that.

Sure, over the last three years I've overeaten. I've eaten for emotional reasons. I've eaten when I wasn't hungry. But those times weren't true binge eating episodes (loss of control). Here is a post about the difference between binge eating and overeating.

Yesterday, I felt... different. I had gotten up at 4:30 AM with Jerry, because I've been trying to regulate my sleep routine. (I had gone to bed before 9:00 the night before!). I felt fine during the morning. Even though I said I wasn't going to, I worked a little on the drywall in the garage. (Even though I was sore, I just couldn't help myself!)

I noticed that at around noon, my energy level just dropped like a giant rock off a cliff. I came in the house and sat down to chill for a little while (watching an old episode of Oprah!) and playing Best Fiends on my phone.

While I was playing, I literally fell asleep. My phone dropped in my lap, startling me awake. A few days ago, I wrote about how I NEVER nap because my body just doesn't fall asleep during the day. Even after only sleeping for a few hours at night, I just cannot nap. A few hours of sleep keeps me wide awake all day.

Well, after my phone dropped, I decided to lie down on the couch for "just a minute" to finish the Oprah episode. I woke up over an hour later when the stupid Honeywell Instant Alert System (an automated message system from my kids' schools) called three times in a row. I was SO TIRED that I just couldn't even move.

I knew I need to get up and make dinner. But I just laid on the couch trying to muster up the will to get up. I'd been planning to make chicken thighs--with skin and bone, something I'd never bought before--pan searing them and then finishing them in the oven; along with steamed broccoli on the side.

Jerry has been interested in intermittent fasting and he watched some film (called FAT on Amazon Prime) about cutting back on carbs. While I love carbs, I wanted to be supportive, so I said I'd try it with him for just a week. (I didn't plan on doing this myself for longer, but I wanted to at least help him get started.)

Side note: Jerry and the kids LOVED the chicken. It was like eating the crispy skin on chicken was a huge treat for them, haha). Again, I felt bad for not cooking things like that before! End side note.

You can see where I'm going here...

I love carbs. My body loves carbs. Giving up carbs is NOT realistic for me to do for the rest of my life, so I shouldn't do it now. Remember my "Golden Rule" for weight loss?). The reason I didn't even write about the plan yet is because I wasn't sure if I could actually do it for a week. I just wanted to make things easier on Jerry.

Well, I knew I was dragging ass yesterday due to lack of carbs for two days. I'd only gotten carbs from vegetables and some berries. My body felt so deprived. And, as has always been the case for me, binge eating follows deprivation.

So, for the first time in over three years, I binged. I went to the party store (corner store a couple of blocks away) and bought ice cream, chips, and Oreos. I hadn't had ice cream in months (for some reason, I've been craving saltier foods like chips rather than sweets for a few months now).

I've been letting my kids have a few Oreos at night for a bedtime treat, and I've stayed away from them. But yesterday, I was on a mission to binge--so I bought my own at the store. (Thankfully, they only had the six-pack of Oreos; if they'd had the larger pack, I would've bought that.)

I came home and ate it all. I ate the ice cream first, and I started feeling better (physically) already. I still felt ashamed to be eating like that. It was humiliating not to be in control. I was still extremely tired, but nothing like I had been earlier.

I ended up staying up until about 11:30 and I woke up at 6:00. I feel fine now, other than the fact that I binged last night. I really didn't want to write about it here, because like I said--I feel ashamed and humiliated that I did that. But I feel like it's an important thing to mention. I broke my own rule.

THAT "rule" is how I lost 125 pounds. I had tried all the diets (including low carb) back in the day and I couldn't stick with anything long enough to lose weight. It was after I decided not to do anything I wasn't willing to do forever that I finally lost the weight. Fourteen months after that decision nearly 11 years ago, I'd lost 125 pounds, and I was eating things I loved. I hadn't given up anything I didn't want to.

Where will I go from here?

Well, I'm going to follow my own goddamn advice. I'm going to eat how I can sustain to eat for the rest of my life. I'm going to start my morning with tea and whatever I feel like having--breakfast has been all over the place lately. I've been wanting sourdough toast, but I can't get my beloved sourdough at the store, because they are always out of it since the quarantine.

I'll eat a small lunch, because I've never been a big lunch person anyway. Always with fruit. I love fruit.

I'll eat dinner that I cook myself (or that I assign the boys to cook, or help them cook). I'll include the vegetables that I like--and I do like a lot of veggies! I'll eat the healthy foods I enjoy--including carbs. I'll skip the foods I don't like.

And I'll eat a treat at night--whether it's salty or sweet, as long as I like it. Something to end the day with something I can look forward to.

That is a sustainable and enjoyable way for me to eat, and it will help me to get back to staying binge-free. I will also try to help Jerry with his eating plan by cooking things that he enjoys as well. I can continue to cook the meat separate from other things, and I can have carbs on the side--so we both can eat what works for us.

And there you have it. The raw, honest, vulnerable, humiliating truth.

On a positive note, Jerry's has the day off from work today, so I think we're going to try to finish drywalling the final wall of the garage. Then we'll need to rent a drywall lift to work on the ceiling! I can't WAIT to get it done :)

I'd also like to go to JoAnn Fabric's in Toledo to get some more fabric for masks. I've had so many requests!

Finally, I'm going to set my goals for the next three days:

*Cook a healthy meal for dinner for the family each day.
*Eat three meals and one "treat" or snack in the evening.
*Get and stay hydrated (I know I haven't been drinking enough water for the amount of work I've been doing in the garage--I can always feel when I'm dehydrated)
*Bonus: Write in my journal each evening, even if it's just a single sentence.

Continue Reading...

How I Gained 45 Pounds in 2 Years

I've been writing a lot lately about my "recent" weight gain (I can't even really say "recent" anymore, because it's been over the last couple of years. In December 2017, I was at about 133, my goal weight. Fast forward to now, a few months into 2020, and I'm at 179--the most I've weighed since early 2010.

(If you're new here, you can read about my weight loss and then gains and losses since then here.)

As I've written several times, I've been struggling with this weight gain quite a bit lately. I've been doing a lot of introspection about why I've gained so much weight in the last couple of years, and I'm pretty sure I've narrowed it down. (I wrote about finally facing the scale here)

Here is a photo from December 2017 versus now:

Thoughts on my reasons for weight gain:

Mainly--Stress. I have been putting a lot of pressure on myself, but also with Jerry's change in work schedule, my life was thrown for a huge loop and I feel extremely overwhelmed much of the time.

Actually, "overwhelmed" couldn't be a more fitting word for what I felt in 2019.

When Jerry's work schedule changed, he started working straight days instead of swing shift (where he would work nights for a month, followed by days for a month, and repeat). When he would work nights, I got a lot of help from him as far as driving the kids around; but when he switched to day shift, I've been doing it all myself, and I feel like I live in my car. (The Covid quarantine has changed things, but I'll get to that.)

I also used to get time to myself in the evenings. The kids would go to bed at 10:00 pm, and Jerry would be working nights, so I'd have time to do what I wanted--watch TV, read a book, work on my blog or a craft, etc. When he switched to day shift, he's home every evening. (No, we don't have to spend that time together--but I really do like spending time with him! Now, I've resorted to staying up way too late after he goes to bed.)

I have always struggled with insomnia, too. But it has gotten so much worse since he's been sleeping in the bed with me every day. Jerry sleeps like a rock the second his head hits the pillow; but I toss and turn all night. I never realized (until recently) just how much the lack of quality sleep affects me.

I was starting to feel like I was reaching a breaking point just before the Covid outbreak. I was really getting concerned for my mental health, because I was feeling so stressed and overwhelmed... and I was eating to make myself feel better. Ice cream was my way to de-stress, and it (clearly) wreaked havoc on my weight.

I had also quit drinking for all of 2019 as a challenge to myself--because drinking wine would help me relax, and I didn't want it to become a problem--and when I quit drinking, I started eating more to fill that "void".

Until a couple of years ago, I never felt stress like I did the past couple of years. Yes, there were periods where I felt overwhelmed as a mom and wife; but those passed in a relatively short amount of time. The past two years, however, have just kept going and going.

This Covid quarantine, as horrible as it is--please understand that I am not at all trying to trivialize how devastating this has been for all of the thousands of people that have been affected--has changed things quite a bit as far as my stress levels go. Because I am at home all day, I finally feel the freedom to do things I really enjoy without feeling like a bad mom or wife or daughter or sister or aunt.

This quarantine isn't going to last forever (at least I hope not!) so I'm taking advantage of the de-stressing while I can. I am doing crafts I enjoy, binge watching TV shows that have been on my list forever, playing games on my phone, and pretty much anything I feel like doing. My house isn't as clean as it probably should be, and the laundry piles up for a couple of days before I finally wash a load.

But I don't feel nearly the amount of stress that I did a couple of months ago. Back then, I kept thinking that I just needed time to stop for a while so I could just take a break and breathe before going again. And this is that break.

Still, I'm not making any progress to drop the weight I've gained. I think this is because I got so used to changing my good habits into bad habits over the last two years that I'm having a hard time getting back to those good habits.

In 2009-2010, it took a long time for me to develop those good habits! At first, I was still eating junk food, but I was eating less of it because I was willing to sacrifice food quantity in order to shed the pounds. Eventually, as I tried new foods in order to reduce the number of calories I was eating, I started to gravitate to healthier options (I still ate junk food, but most of the time I was eating relatively healthy).

I started eating oatmeal all the time, and I LOVED it; I ate fruit with lunch every day; I cooked a "normal" dinner and divided it into four portions, and then ate only one portion; I learned to love certain vegetables, particularly when roasting them; I never did learn to love salad or yogurt, but I still try them from time to time in order to see if that's changed. I even developed the habit of sticking to a running schedule, no matter what else I had going on. No excuses.

They were strong habits that developed when I didn't even notice.

Over the past two years or so, I've undone all of those habits that took me at least a year to develop. I don't like the thought of oatmeal for breakfast, or tuna sandwiches for lunch, or a piece of fruit for a snack. Cooking and meal planning have not been at the top of my priority list because those things are stressful to me.

Several people have suggested having my kids and Jerry cook once a week, and I like that idea. The kids need to learn that stuff anyway, and now is the perfect time for it.

Today, I wrote a meal plan for the week (I'm starting a new 3-3-1 plan on Sunday), and Jerry went grocery shopping. (I have to admit, it was SO HARD for me to let him do it--I am such a control freak--but he did great! I gave him a very specific list and he probably did it faster than I would have, haha.) And I have a couple of meals on there that I will have the kids cook.

So, to answer the question, in a nutshell, of how I gained about 45 pounds in the last 2 years:

1) Life changes as we get older. And I wasn't prepared to change with it.
2) I didn't learn how to manage stress in ways other than eating.
3) I stopped making time for myself, which only made me feel overwhelmed and unhappy.

Whether you can relate to this or not, I don't know. I just wanted to share my introspections and observations as to what caused this radical weight gain.

I feel desperate to gain control over my habits again, and I think I need to start by controlling my stress in healthy ways. I know that running has always helped with stress and anxiety, so starting my training plan for the Detroit Half will be helpful. Even though I know I'm not going to want to hop out of bed and into my running clothes, I will feel a million times better after getting in that run.

Making time for myself is crucial, and even after this quarantine, I am going to make sure to set aside time to do whatever I want--even if it's just binge watching a TV show.

Also, I felt really good about myself when I took the time to do my hair and make-up recently (and dress in something other than stretchy black pants and an oversized sweatshirt). When I need a boost, I can make sure to do that again. (It's not always practical, depending on what I'm doing that day--when I work in the garage, I end up pulling my hair up in a messy bun and wearing my "painting" clothes that I don't mind getting dirty.)

I really like the 3-3-1 approach (setting some goals to accomplish for just three days... then resetting and doing another three day session... and then taking a day off before starting over again). I don't know how long it will help going forward, but I can't believe the difference in my mood when I did the first round--I felt fantastic!

I know a lot of you are in the same boat I am, having lost a large amount of weight and then gaining some (or all) of it back--and I thank you so much for sharing that with me!--so hopefully we can get back to our healthy habits together. Identify the problem and look for ways to solve it!

Continue Reading...

When it rains, it pours...

Ugh, what a super stressful weekend!

I wrote on Friday about how my car just quit working on me. As I wrote, I was on the phone (on hold) with Delta, hoping to cancel our trip to San Francisco next month. With the coronavirus, it just doesn't feel like a good time to go anywhere--maybe it's an overreaction, but my gut feeling was just telling me not to go. I also knew that there was a cruise ship with several cases of the virus that was going to be docking in San Francisco.

As I was on hold, I sent a direct message on Twitter to Delta, and they responded within 20 minutes. The whole thing was resolved in less than 10 minutes after that! They said that they would waive the fee to change our tickets--so we can use the money I paid for our tickets any time until January 31st--and we can change the destination to wherever we want to go. So, we don't get a refund, but we have "Delta credit" for when we do go on a trip.

I felt relieved after that. I canceled our hotel and our fishing charter, and managed to get a refund on our tickets to Alcatraz. I'm bummed about the trip, but I really don't think I'd be able to enjoy it with everything going on.

And ESPECIALLY after this weekend. It's a good thing we canceled the trip, because we certainly need the money now.

We had to get my car towed to the dealership, which was $160. Then there was the diagnostic test ($150), which just basically said to do more testing--which involved a $650 electrical job. I was super mad and frustrated about it. The car is only four years old and why do we have to pay for all of this out of pocket?

Photo credit: Jerry Foster (he saw me typing this and insisted that I credit him! haha)

I looked into trading the car in instead of fixing it; it looked like the cost of fixing it would be $2,000+. That's insane!

Meanwhile, I had to rely on Noah's friend's mom to help out with the kids--getting them to school on Friday and again on Monday. My mom called her insurance company to resume insurance on her car so that I can use her car until she gets home from vacation.

I wanted to start my walking program again on Monday, because I felt about 99% better than I did after I fell off the ladder. So I took Joey for a walk, going the long way to my parents' house. My hip was popping the whole time and ever since then, my knee feels really unstable and stiff. Awesome.

I don't remember if I mentioned it, but several weeks ago, someone stole my debit card numbers and used them at a Starbucks and a Kohl's in California. People suck.

Last night, I was (literally) crying to Jerry about this whole car situation, when I got a text from Discover saying that someone in New York was trying to charge a purchase at McDonald's, and did I approve it?

I replied "No", and then I just totally lost it. I felt like my stress balloon just popped, right in front of my face, startling me into another ball of stress. (Today, I had to cancel our Discover cards and get new ones--awesome.)

I hated that we had to spend money on a stupid car (whether it was fixing mine or trading in). I really want a new front porch. I've been wanting one for about five years, but I always put it off because someone in this family needs something that costs money. I thought for sure that this spring would be the spring that I'd finally get my porch! (I want a concrete one, otherwise I'd just build it myself.)

I am sure that I'm being a huge baby about it, but I'm just tired. I'm tired of driving all day long. Of  helping to fix everybody else's problems. Of not having any help when I really feel like I need it. Of feeling so positive and optimistic for a moment, only to have one more thing rain down.

And Weight Watchers... I'll save that for another post.

Let's just say this: This my lunch. This is my life.

Today, we made a decision about the car. We decided to trade it in and get a new one. The cheapest Jeep model we could get was another Renegade (we really wanted a Jeep--our Patriot has lasted 10 years without any problems). I told Jerry that he should get a truck--something he's always wanted--but he insisted that he'll wait, that he wants me to get a reliable car.

I felt horribly guilty and not at all excited about getting a new car. I was super stubborn and probably not the nicest person to deal with today. I made up my mind the very maximum I was willing to spend, and I told the salesman that number today. When he realized I was not going to budge, he took my offer to his supervisor, who eventually approved it.

So, we got a 2020 Jeep Renegade (in orange, my favorite color). It has four-wheel drive, which was something I said I was absolutely going to insist on when we got a new car (living in Michigan during the winter, it's pretty much a given that you need four-wheel drive).

Jerry was more excited than I was about getting the car, which made me feel even worse. When we left, I was driving the new car out of the lot, when I noticed Jerry on my left taking a video. Someday, I want him to get the truck of his dreams! (It looks kind of red in the photo, but it's orange. This is a screen shot of Jerry's video.)

I will admit, the new one is nice! It has heated seats and a steering wheel (which is SO great for someone like me who is constantly cold). Keyless entry and push-button start (so weird getting used to that!). And I can use some app on my phone to do all sorts of things like check the fuel levels and even unlock the car from anywhere--still figuring that out.

On the way home from the dealership, when I only had about 10 miles on the odometer, a car cut me off on the expressway. A small stone flew up and at my windshield, and made a small crack right in my line of vision.

SERIOUSLY?

Yes. Story of my life.

Eh, I don't even care at this point. I just want to get back to normalcy, back to trying to do something to take care of myself. Over the last 18 months or so, I learned just how much stress makes me overeat. I gained more weight in the last 18 months than I have in the last 9 years. I really need to work on stress management.

A couple other things of note:

Peanut Butter & Co. actually got in touch with me after I wrote the post about their peanut butter issues. I learned that they'd gotten several complaints about the texture/taste of their peanut butter, like I shared here, and was told that they took that into consideration and changed their recipe again. So, they are supposedly sending me a few jars of peanut butter... I really hope that it's as good as it was in the past! I will update after I get and taste them.

I finally got to use the table saw I got for Christmas! It's been so nice the last week or so, I've been spending time in the garage. I will post pictures when it's completely done, but I have been working on a small end table (which I will use use in the bathroom to replace a cheap store-bought one).  Using the table saw isn't easy--it has a learning curve--but I'm getting used to it, and I LOVE IT so far.

Anyway, I will try and write about Weight Watchers tomorrow. Counting Points has made me remember why I quit doing it in the first place!

Thanks for the kind words yesterday. I'm really trying to feel more positive...

Continue Reading...

Where, oh where, has my weight loss motivation gone?

Raw, vulnerable, honest post ahead.

I don't know that I have ever felt so bad about myself as I have lately. This is a bold statement, because even when I was 253 pounds, I didn't feel this bad.

For coming up on 10 years, people have asked my where I found the motivation to lose weight; how I lost the weight; how I got through certain situations, vacation, etc. while continuing to lose weight; and just basically how to keep going when it's SO HARD.

And for years, I had answers that were truthful and (hopefully) helpful.

Now, I have a full inbox with similar questions, and I just keep letting it pile up because I don't have those answers anymore. I am one of the people who wants to know how to get motivated--determined, rather--and stick with it. (Here is the difference between motivation and determination.)

It's hard to believe that just three years ago, I was happier than I'd ever been. I wasn't running, or eating super healthy, but I felt fantastic. I did exactly what made me happy and I quit doing the things that didn't make me happy.

So why can't I do that anymore?

I'm very unhappy with my weight (I actually haven't gotten on the scale in 2-3 weeks, but my clothes feel a little tighter). The last time I checked, I was in the high 160's. When I was losing the weight, I was thrilled to have hit the 160's and I loved the way I looked and felt. Now, I'm about 45 pounds from my lowest weight, and 35 pounds from my (previous) goal weight. I'm about 25 pounds from my "I can be happy with this" weight".

(Normally, I'd insert a current photo here, but I never take pictures anymore--the one at the top of the post is the most recent.)

I stopped taking care of myself (not just the weight, but in most aspects). Each day that passes, I feel like I'm further and further "gone" until one day, I'll be at the point of no return. I know it makes sense to just start right at this moment and then I won't end up in that place. So why cannot I not find that fiery determination I used to have?

I used to set goals and work hard to achieve them. I used to look forward to all the little milestones that came with weight loss and running.

The things that I miss about being at my goal weight are so insignificant:

• Easily crossing my legs
• Walking without my thighs rubbing together
• Wearing form fitting clothes
• Not being self-conscious in photos
• Actually posting current photos
• Feeling inspiring--showing others that if I can do it, they can, too
• Running with ease
• Looking young! Did I write about what happened recently when Jerry went to the lab to have blood drawn? I went in with him, and the woman working there thought I was his mother. If that's not a slap in the face, I don't know what is.)

I know there are a million more things in this world to feel bad about, but right now, this is what is doing it for me. I desperately want to get back to that place of feeling good in my body, not feeling self-conscious that everyone is silently thinking about my weight gain when I run into people I haven't seen in a while.

I keep trying to have that "just get it over with" attitude--spend a few months doing what I need to do, and I'll be in a good place (or at least better) again--and then I don't have to think about this constantly.

I'm able to motivate myself by looking at old photos from a few years ago, but as I've said a million times, motivation doesn't work for weight loss. Determination does. So why can't I just find that determination I felt before?

I spent the last three months of 2019 running three days a week to get back into the habit. And then as soon as that goal was over, I just quit again. I think maybe I was making it too complicated by utilizing the MAF method and worrying about this or that. Maybe I just need to go back to the basics, like when I first started losing weight in 2009.

Back then, I focused on one thing and one thing only: don't go over my Weight Watchers Points (I was doing the Winning Points plan, which is still my favorite--their new ones are definitely not for me). I didn't worry about exercise, I didn't worry about what foods I was eating and whether or not they were healthy. I kept it extremely simple. Don't go over my Points.

When I switched to counting calories, I did something similar: Don't go overboard. I didn't set a specific limit of calories, but I tried to eat a low volume of food that I REALLY wanted and keep the calories from being higher than what a "normal" person would eat.

When I started exercising? Again, I kept it simple: 30 minutes, 3 times a week. No exceptions. And I eventually added that I couldn't go more than two days in a row without running. I didn't worry about my heart rate at all, and my only real goal was to get faster and run farther. Once I could run three miles, I followed a training plan to build my mileage. I didn't worry about speed work or heart rate or anything other than distance and pace.

I'm starting to wonder if I made things too complicated over the years. I've learned a ton more about running, but is that necessarily a good thing? There is so much conflicting evidence about types of training, who knows what is truly best? Maybe the best thing is to just run however it feels best.

As far as my diet, maybe I made things too complicated by trying to eat healthier things that I didn't enjoy so much. When I first started losing weight, I ate whatever sounded good to me, healthy or not. Gradually, I found my tastes started to change, and I naturally ate healthier (certainly not super healthy, but definitely healthier) because I enjoyed the foods--not because I was forcing them.

But maybe I made things too complicated by letting all those articles and advice (intermittent fasting, eating only whole foods, cutting out sugar, intuitive eating, etc) get in my head and tell me that what I was doing was all sorts of wrong.

Maybe it's time I just listen to my mind and my body and keep things simple. Forget everything I learned and do what feels best, mentally and physically.

However, that's the hard part. Once I learn something, I can't UN-learn it. So, if I choose to eat a piece of cake for breakfast, I would hear those voices telling me that it's "bad" and I should choose oatmeal instead, even if the thought of oatmeal is revolting at the moment.

I'm not writing this post to come up with a solution, which is what it's starting to sound like. I know what I need to do! I'm just writing thoughts as they come to me. I just know that right now, I'm very unhappy with my weight and the fact that I just can't find the will to care enough to do what it takes to change it.

I also have to accept that my life is far busier than it used to be. I have been so stressed out for the past year--and unfortunately, stress is my biggest trigger for emotional eating. I never really get time to myself anymore (I know, as a stay-at-home mom, you wouldn't think that's true--but the change in schools, raising teenage boys, and Jerry's work schedule have made me feel like I'm juggling more than I can handle sometimes.)

Anyway, I just wrote this because I don't want to pretend like I'm doing great with counting calories, or my challenge of not eating after dinner, or running again, or anything like that. This is the truth. I cannot find the motivation determination to stick with things.

I'm going to keep trying, though! I try to keep in mind how many attempts it took the first time for me to lose the weight before I was finally successful. I honestly can't count the number of times I tried.

So, you may hear about starts and tries and quits and all of that here, and hopefully I'll be able to get to the point where I can share some sort of progress. Maybe I'll even face the scale on Wednesday. I really want to just get this over with and stop feeling bad about it!

Continue Reading...

Sheer Willpower and Reaching a Healthy Weight in 2020

When my family went to Cleveland to catch a flight to Punta Cana back in 2014, we stayed the night at a hotel the night before our flight. We were flipping through the channels on TV that night, and we came across a show called Naked and Afraid. Sounds like an odd choice of shows, based on the name, but we loved it!

If you're not familiar, here is the gist: A man and a woman (strangers to each other) are taken somewhere very remote (usually a jungle or uninhabited island of some sort--the Amazon, remote parts of Africa, etc.) They are dropped off without any food, water, or clothes (hence, the "naked" part). They each get a one small tool (almost always it's a fire starter, a cooking pot, or a machete). Then, they must try to survive for 21 days on their own, living off the land.

First, they look for a water source; then build a shelter, try to get food, and just try to stay alive amidst all sorts of things that would send me packing on Day 1. They endure severe bug bites and reactions, encounter snakes and other wildlife, and some of them wind up getting sick from drinking contaminated water if they can't get a fire started to boil it. It's very intense!

The thing is, they don't win anything for doing this--they are there simply because they want to test out their survival skills. It blows my mind that anyone would voluntarily go through what they do, but I'm always in awe of it. They usually lose from 15-30 pounds over the course of 21 days, because they have very little food (only what they can find and/or kill, which is next to nothing most of the time).

The thing that amazes me the most about the show is the sheer willpower that these people have. They are allowed "tap out" any time they want and go home, but the majority of the contestants simply force themselves to endure the "torture" (that's what it looks like to me!) to prove to themselves that they can. It's crazy!

Whenever I watch it, I think about how strong human willpower can be. If the contestants can go through all of those things--things that would probably make me want to die--VOLUNTARILY on the show, why is it so hard for me to muster up some willpower for my eating habits sometimes?

When thinking of it that way, I know that I truly can do ANYTHING (at least for a few weeks' time) when it comes to something that requires willpower (well, maybe not the two-week carbohydrate intolerance test, bahahaha). I don't think these people on the show necessarily have more willpower than others; I just think they want something bad enough to do whatever it takes.

That's how I felt when I was losing weight in 2009-2010--I wouldn't let ANYTHING or ANYONE change my mind about my decisions regarding food. I did what was best for me at the time, and nobody was going to tell me otherwise. It was a very powerful feeling!

When I decided to start running in 2010, I focused on the goal of running a 5K in October with my friend Renee. Somewhere along the line, I just became more and more determined to get faster and run farther. And running was something that stuck for me!

When I decided in 2017 that I wanted to pay off our $14,000 of credit card debt, I made up my mind that THIS was going to be the time that I did it. I'd tried to come up with budgets so many times before, but it never stuck. Maybe it was the fact that I'd gotten adjusted to my bipolar meds and was feeling stable and not so impulsive, but I managed to have the willpower to stick to the budget even when it was super hard. And we got our debt paid off! That was over a year ago, but we are still following the budget today. I don't ever want to be in credit card debt again.

Even while following our budget, I managed to remodel our entire home over the period of nearly a year. In the past, I probably would have started a project or two and then left it, but this time I was determined to see it through. And because of that, I developed a love for all things DIY, which is pretty cool!

And last year, when I decided to give up alcohol for all of 2019, it was like nothing could stop me. I wouldn't let any outside force change my mind, no matter what. And it worked! I had determination rather than motivation. And some serious willpower. (I know some people don't like the word "willpower", but I like it--I feel like it's just a way of saying that you're being very strong in something that you need to do in order to get what you want. Most people associate it with weight loss, but it can be used with all sorts of goals.)

A couple of days ago, I had to pick up my dad from the car dealership, and we began to talk about sobriety. He was an alcoholic until I was eight years old, but went into rehab and hasn't touched alcohol since then. I told him that now that my alcohol-free year is up (even though I decided to keep going with it, for an indefinite amount of time), I feel like I'm really struggling about whether I want to continue it.

I made it to my "finish line" that I'd set for December 31, 2019, and when I was looking through pictures on my computer recently, I admit that it made me miss drinking. (I'm not talking about getting drunk--I just mean having a glass or two of wine with Jerry or friends; and even saving and counting the calories for it!)

My dad told me some truths that I really needed to hear. Many of you may find what he said to be harsh or mean, but I don't see it that way at all. It was truthful and did not sugar-coat anything (my dad is anything but a sugar-coater). He wasn't trying to be hurtful when he said it; just honest.

I had told him how I gained 30 pounds, replacing alcohol with food, which was keeping me from losing the weight. I told him how unhappy I've become about that. And after acknowledging that, he told me that he'd noticed that I "looked bigger". When I'd picked him up, and was walking toward him, he said at first he wasn't sure if it was me because of my size. Please don't think he meant any harm by this! I was glad someone finally said it.

Looking at the photos side by side, I can't see a HUGE difference, but I can certainly see it. I definitely cannot fit into those clothes from before. I think the jeans were a size 4 and the top was a small. It today's picture, I'm wearing size medium workout pants and a size large sweatshirt. (I was holding up the dollar because I found it in the pocket of the jeans I was trying on at Salvation Army.)

But more so than seeing the difference, I really FEEL it. I definitely won't get into how much of a difference there is when I'm naked, hahaha. And of course, when taking today's photo, I chose the most flattering of about 10...)

Anyway, my dad had a reason for telling me this...

He said that I need to replace the determination I had for giving up alcohol with something else. And since I had gained weight, I could focus on taking the weight off as my replacement, if I chose to. He said he knows that I already know how to do it, as I've done it before; and that I have the determination within me because of the difficult things I've done (the weight loss, the running, paying off our debt, remodeling our home, and the alcohol-free year).

When I mentioned that I want to lose this weight that I picked up, he said that I have the determination there, I just need to put it to use and really focus on it. Make that my new mission.

And even though it's something I've thought about and wrote about a hundred billion times, something about the way he said it really made sense to me. Especially the truth about noticing my weight gain. Nobody ever mentions it, but I want the truth! I was glad to hear that.

So, I'd really like to get back to what has worked for me in the past. Nothing drastic. Basically, this is what I did to lose the weight back then:

• Eating smaller portions (whether it was counting WW points, calories, or just eyeballing the smaller portions). Moderation was key. I used to use a dry erase board on my fridge to plan out my day the night before--what I was going to eat. That took the thinking out of it and made it less stressful at mealtimes.
• Making slightly better choices, changes that I was willing to live with forever, and gradually changing my taste buds to enjoy healthier foods. (I wrote a post about this here)
• Saving enough calories for a "treat" at the end of the day--something to look forward to. (Here is a post about how I used calorie counting to get back to my goal weight; I need to re-read this!)
• Exercise - After I'd lost 60 pounds, I started walking to train for the Indy Mini half marathon. Then I started running. Whether it was three times a week or six times a week, training for a race or for just for fitness, I ran.
• Setting goals - When I was losing weight, I constantly had a pair of jeans that were a size smaller than my current pair. I'd try them on once a week, and then when they fit, I'd buy a pair in a size smaller. It was fun to always have that small goal to look forward to! But I also love setting running goals and weight loss goals. Writing those down and thinking of them often helped me a lot when working on them. 

And that was it--it's so simple! (Definitely not to be confused with "easy", however--making unfamiliar, uncomfortable choices was very hard!) I would REALLY like to get back down to a healthy weight this summer, when it's the 10-year anniversary of my reaching a healthy BMI.

So, instead of thinking about what I'm struggling with (anxiety, mainly) I want to start to put that energy and focus into something positive--my goals for this year. I set the goals for a reason, and I was feeling motivated at the time. When the two-week carbohydrate intolerance test didn't work out for me, I didn't have a back-up plan.

After having the chat with my dad, I decided that this is my back-up plan. Do the basics that I know helped me, and have the sheer determination/willpower to stick it out. Get it over with! I KNOW that losing weight isn't the most important thing in the world. But I'm not feeling my best right now, and I want to lose the extra pounds not just for vain reasons, but also to feel better!

And when I'm feeling like I "need" ice cream to help with anxiety, I will think of those crazy people on Naked and Afraid who are eating termites and drinking contaminated water... on purpose! 😂

Continue Reading...

A Proud Moment (so stupid, but meaningful for me)

I never write short posts like this, but like I said, one of my goals this year is to write every day. I had a recipe planned to post, but something just happened that I was pretty proud of and I wanted to write about it.

As I mentioned a couple of days ago, I've been feeling depressed recently. Nothing serious, but it's not just a temporary sadness or stress. I know it'll eventually pass, but when feeling like this, it's so hard to think ahead like that.

Anyway, I also wrote that one of my goals this year was to not eat ice cream (other than cones from McDonald's). When I quit drinking last year, I basically replaced alcohol with ice cream. And not just the cheap stuff, either; I'm talking premium ice cream!

Today, I wanted SOMETHING--anything--to just feel better, even temporarily. I got the idea of ice cream in my head and I couldn't shake it. Ice cream is a huge comfort food for me, and I just wanted to feel comforted, even if it was only for a few moments while eating the ice cream.

Anyway, I bought some. A pint of Ben & Jerry's. I let it sit out for about 10 minutes to let it soften, and I as I waited, I realized that I was feeling very anxious about eating it. I wasn't looking forward to it--which was weird! Usually I look forward to eating ice cream.

I couldn't describe it to Jerry, even though I tried. I had never had that feeling before. It was like I just knew I wasn't going to enjoy it because 1) I made a goal to quit that habit this year; 2) I wasn't even hungry because I'd just eaten dinner; and 3) I knew I wasn't going to feel better.

Despite that, I was still struggling SO HARD in my head about whether to eat it. I had the pint open and I was holding a spoon and I even scooped a bit onto the spoon. Then I just stared at it and thought about it way too much for something so stupid.

After what felt like an eternity, I put the lid back on it without taking a single bite.

While this may not seem like a big deal to anyone else, it was SUCH a huge moment for me. I was able to rationalize with myself and truly stop and think about what was best. What I REALLY wanted rather than what I was longing for in the moment. Normally, since I already had it in hand, I would have just eaten it anyways, telling myself that I'd just "start over tomorrow".

Now, a few hours later, the craving has passed and I'm okay. I am so glad I didn't eat it. I would have felt bad for using food to make myself feel better, even knowing that it doesn't work that way. Eating out of depression or anxiety never makes me feel better in the long run.

Anyway, I was pretty proud of myself for that small step today. Small steps add up quickly--I've learned that from losing weight in the past. This gives me confidence going forward!

Continue Reading...

A Chat About My Weight (The elephant--haha!--in the room)

(All photos in the post were taken within the past year)

If you haven't noticed, I haven't been writing much about my weight at all on my blog lately. It's not that I'm trying to keep secrets or anything--I've already talked about my weight gain, and how I'm the heaviest I've been in eight (err, nine) years. That's nothing new.

And really, I haven't written much about it because there isn't much to write! I still weight myself occasionally (not every day, like I used to--maybe about once a week). When I write it down in my little calendar book, I don't really think anything except, "Ugh, I really need to do something to drop these extra pounds."

Yesterday, after I weighed in, I decided to flip through the book and see how long it's been since I was at my goal weight (or close to it). When I started gaining weight. All of that kind of stuff.

And I noticed the most unbelievable thing.

I have actually been within a five-pound weight range for OVER A YEAR. (Let me just add that this is the info I got from my weight log; so if I happened to mention a lower or higher weight in that time, I'm sorry, it's not intentional. I may have dipped a little higher or lower for a minute).

Anyway, when I wrote that post about being the heaviest I've been in eight years (that was in September 2018), I weighed 162. I remember being a little stunned that I'd gotten back up into the 160's. I wasn't proud of it, but I knew it was from emotional eating (and alcohol). I wanted to take it off, but I didn't care so much about the number. I changed my weight goal (without looking back at the post, I want to say 145?).

Throughout the last year, I've given half-hearted attempts at losing the weight, but I just can't seem to get myself into that mindset. It's not that I don't care--I do--it's just that I am not in such a rush and I'm not willing to sell my soul to be thin again.

Yesterday, my weight was 166. I going to have to go back and plot my weight for the last year or so on my Happy Scale app so I can see a graph, but I've literally been in a very small weight range for over 12 months now. Who would have thought that was even possible?! I certainly wasn't trying to do that.

Part of me starts to wonder about the theory of "set points" for our bodies (the weight that our body naturally gravitates to, where it's hard to gain or lose from that weight. I always hoped that if that was true, my "set point" would be about 130 ;)  Apparently, my body likes my weight in the mid-160's.

Keep in mind, however, that I hadn't been running more than a couple of times a month until almost six weeks ago, so that may have something to do with my weight staying up. Also, I gave up alcohol (for a year as an experiment--I'm not going to claim that it's permanent yet!) and admittedly, replaced it with comfort food when I'm anxious.

Other than the few semi-attempts at losing the weight, I've literally been eating whatever and whenever I want, however much I want, for over a year now. I think if I saw the scale continuing to climb, I would probably make more of an effort. But since the scale isn't really moving, I'm kind of loving that I don't have to count calories.

I'm sure many of you have heard of The F*ck It Diet by Caroline Dooner (Amazon affiliate link). (Also, I despise that title) It's basically the most anti-diet diet that is out there. She writes about how you basically don't have any rules whatsoever--eat what you want, when you want it, how much you want, and fuck everything else. We are not slaves to our weight.

I love the idea, but I wasn't consciously following that. It made me too scared to gain more weight on top of what I'd already gained. But looking back, that's pretty much how I gained it in the first place! I'd not heard of it at the time, and I wasn't intentionally eating that way, but I just had a "fuck it" attitude and thought I'd worry about my weight later, when I wasn't so stressed.

(Side note: Noah going to the community college has been a big stressor for me. That and Jerry's depression happened around the same time, and I was super worried and stressed. And anxious. Always anxious. I started drinking more to alleviate anxiety, which caused me to eat more and gain weight, and then I made the decision to go a year without alcohol to hopefully find other coping mechanisms for anxiety.)

The stressors haven't gone away, and sometimes I wish that life had a pause button, to allow me to catch up while the world stops. I am still working on finding ways to cope with anxiety (my favorite is still the games I play on Lumosity while I chew ice). Actually, a lot of the things that I do to avoid binge eating also help with anxiety.

There really isn't a point to this post! I just thought it was very interesting that I've maintained my weight for over a year without even trying, and even though it's about 20 pounds more than I'd like, I'm very thankful not to have gained everything back.

As far as my plans from here? I want to try to lose the weight, but in a different way. I don't want to count calories or make things overly complicated. I know where my problems are--I use food to relieve stress, and of course, it's never salad. Ice cream has been my go-to. I believe that if I made just one change--drastically reduce the ice cream (coupled with my return to running)--I will probably see a noticeable difference on the scale.

Yes, I change my mind about this all the time (hey, I'm bipolar!) but I'm allowed to. I can change my mind as many times as I want. And I am the one that lives with the consequences and who learns from my actions as far as what works and what doesn't.

I'm *starting* to feel little tingles when I think about running again (crazy, I know!) and so after my 3-3-3 running plan is up (3 miles, 3 days a week, for 3 months), I may set a running goal. Maybe a half-marathon or something. I don't care about my finish time (PR's are not on my mind), but it would be nice to work toward something other than my weight.

I have to say, the ODDEST thing about all of this is that I haven't had to buy new clothes. When I bought jeans to fit me last year (size 10), I never expected they'd fit me a year later. That's never happened. However, I'm wearing a pair right now. This is madness, I tell you! ;)

For the Cliff's Notes:

- My weight has stayed within a five pound range for over a year (mid-160's)
- I want to drop 20 pounds, but I'm not in a hurry
- If I do lose weight, it's going to be in a way that I am willing to do FOREVER. Something I've always preached!
- I'm looking forward to continuing with running and I'm hoping I'll set some future running goals once I'm done with my 3-3-3 running plan
- Being "thin" isn't as important to me anymore (maybe it's my age); I really want to be healthy and in shape

I'd like to update on this once in a while. Since I'm not going to be "dieting" or counting calories or anything, I don't know if I'll have anything to update. But if I notice anything changing (especially now that I'm running again), I'll post about it. I feel good about my decisions.

Right now. As for tomorrow, who knows?! hahaha

Here are a few photos of me throughout the last year. Some I hated and didn't post because I felt like I was "too fat". Some I thought were more flattering than others. But you know what? It is what it is. I am who I am. I'm at where I'm at.

Continue Reading...

How I Escaped an Ice Cream Pig Out; and My Running Review: 3-3-3 Week 2

This morning, I was dying for a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby. It was my turn to carpool for school, and I thought I'd stop at the store on the way home to buy some and have a relaxing day because I've been so busy all the time!

I knew I didn't want to sabotage my efforts lately, and I tried to come up with reasons NOT to buy the ice cream. Right now, the only thing that I enjoy more than eating ice cream (this is sad, I know) is going to Lowe's and planning a new project, hahahaha. Thankfully, Lowe's is open so early. I chose to go there instead of buying the ice cream, and as I drove, I planned on what project I could work on.

Our laundry room is the last room in the house that I haven't redecorated, and it's going to be a total pain in the ass to work on. First, there is a hole in the ceiling that has been there since we switched to a tankless water heater. The drywall in that section is a mess. I always picture spiders getting into the house from that hole, too; not to mention, it's just plain ugly.

I'd recently bought a small piece of drywall to patch the hole. It was roughly a 10-inch diameter circle. I had no idea how to patch holes that big. I finally googled it and found super easy instructions (on the Lowe's website of all places). I cut out a square from the drywall piece and then used that piece to trace on the ceiling I cut out the hole in the ceiling (butchered is more like it--I didn't have a drywall knife, so I had to improvise).

Then I screwed in the furring strips and attached the drywall square into place. I was so proud when I was done!

I don't want to show photos until I'm done, and then I'll do a big reveal. This room looked the worst of all the rooms in the house. Tomorrow, I'll have to tape and mud all the drywall seams.

I took a photo of all the drywall dust from scraping off the textured ceiling. It's SO heavy! I don't understand why they put that on there. BUT, that was the last of it. It completely filled two plastic grocery bags. I have NO MORE CEILING TEXTURE! :)

(That's a 10" drywall knife, for size reference).

And when I was done scraping the ceiling, the area just outside of my laundry room looked like this:

Since I don't want my house being a huge mess again, I'm going to move this project along as quickly as possible.

I bought the stuff to make custom shelving when I was at Lowe's, and once I get the boring stuff done (taping and mudding), I can get to the fun stuff!

Anyway, instead of caving to the Ben & Jerry's I followed my own advice for keeping from binge eating and I found something else instead :)

---

The rest of this post will be rather boring. I like to provide that disclaimer before posts like these!

I explained what 3-3-3 running is last week (it's not a "real" running method; just something my friend Thomas made up to get me back into running). Literally, this is all it is: running 3 miles, 3 times per week, for 3 months. 3-3-3.

It's more about forming a habit than anything else. Once I got out of the habit of running, I can't even begin to describe just how hard it is to get back into it! I ran for seven full years, and then took a long time off--which I don't regret. I wanted to do what made me happiest, and running was not making me happy at the time.

Eventually, though, I started to miss it. I even wrote a whole post called "5 Things I Miss About Running (and they're not what you may think)". So, I want to get back into it, but all I can say is that it's HARD. Running at an easy pace used to feel so... well, easy!--and that was at a 10:00-ish minute mile. Now, to run at an easy pace, it's been in the 14:00's!

As I also mentioned before, I'm using the MAF (maximum aerobic function) heart rate training during this 3-3-3 running. The first two runs this week were frustrating for me. I literally couldn't run any slower, and I really didn't want to walk (I was on the treadmill). So, I lowered the incline by 1% to make it easier and bring my heart rate back down.

I feel like my running gait suffers a bit when I run so slowly, too. Hopefully, the MAF training will do its thing and I'll be running faster at the same heart rate soon enough.

I've been listening to several interviews with Dr. Maffetone about the MAF training, and a common question is whether you are supposed to subtract a heartbeat each time you have a birthday (since the formula is 180 minus your age).

I always assumed you did, and that's why my current MAF rate is 143 (because I'm 37). However, he says no--when you find a heart rate that works for you, you can stick with it until it's just not working anymore. When I was training for my 10K, I had phenomenal results with the heart rate of 146 bpm.

Starting next week, I'm going to increase the heart rate to 146 bpm (it's only a 3 beat difference, but I'm curious how it'll feel). This week, however, I stuck with 143 bpm for comparison's sake.

Anyway, here is the lowdown on this week's runs:

Monday - I chose the treadmill. Last week, I did treadmill on Monday and Wednesday, and then outdoors on Friday; so, I decided to do the same thing again this week (again for comparison).

I started the treadmill at 4.7 mph, hoping that I could maintain that speed. But I quickly realized I had to lower it because my heart rate just went up too high. (By the way, my Garmin isn't sensitive to speed changes at all. 4.1 mph might as well be 4.5 mph. Especially when I mess with the incline. I'll just look for a pattern over time.)

Wednesday - I was SO tempted to postpone this run until Thursday. I had told myself that I WILL run on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday each week so that I don't procrastinate.

One of the boys on my cross country team refuses to run without constant walk breaks and water stops. He's perfectly capable of running at least two miles on his own, but he refuses to do it. So, I was thinking I would skip Wednesday and then wear running clothes to practice on Thursday and run with him--to make him do it!

It sounded like a legit excuse, but I knew that if I made an exception to my MWF rule, it would be the start of constant procrastination (or quitting altogether). So, I put on my running clothes, turned on an episode of 24, and hopped on the treadmill. The first mile went by rather quickly, but still--I had to lower the pace to 4.1-4.3 mph several times, and decrease the incline to keep my heart rate down.

Still, I got through the three miles while keeping my MAF heart rate where I needed it to be.

Today - I actually chose to run outside. It looked like it was drizzling a bit of rain, which sounded nice (after working with all that drywall dust!). So, I dressed in my running clothes and headed out. For some reason, it felt kind of easy today.

I didn't look at my watch at ALL during the run, so I had no idea what my pace was. There were very few times that it beeped because I was going too fast, so I just ran at a speed that felt comfortable (slowing if the watched beeped at me for high heart rate). And it felt slightly faster than before.

I was surprised when I was done. Finally--a pace in the 13:00's! (Well, since last Wednesday.) Here are my last six runs:

My heart rate has been nearly identical for every run, but my pace hasn't been consistent. (Except for Monday and Wednesday this week--my time was off by ONE SECOND. There is no way I could plan that if I wanted to! Today, my outdoor pace was about 40 seconds per mile faster than last week's outdoor run! I have no idea why. But it will be interesting to see if there is a trend!

Continue Reading...

Quitting Binge Eating: 6 (Fresh) Activity Ideas That Helped Me To Stop Bingeing

As you all know, my weight is up quite a bit from my goal--I've been hanging out in the mid-160's for several months. I'd love to get my weight back down to where I feel comfortable (about 145 is the maximum I'd like to be; when my weight gets higher than that, I start to feel the negative effects).

However, despite the semi-recent weight gain, I've stopped binge eating. I don't know exactly how long it's been, but I literally can't remember my last binge. I've certainly eaten more than "normal" occasionally, and portion control is an issue sometimes; but I've not had an actual binge in a very long time.

Over the years, I've learned to use new activities to help me stop binge eating (both when I was losing the weight in 2009-2010 and currently). I hate reading these types of lists, because they normally are very typical--each list is the same: go for a walk, read a book, call a friend, take a bath, etc. Those things rarely appeal to me! So I hope my list is a bit more unique.

Here are some things that I found useful in keeping my hands and/or mind busy:


1) Playing solitaire with a real deck of cards. 

I like using actual physical cards to play solitaire, especially when playing my favorite game, Grandma's Game. There are some games I play on my iPad, but I absolutely LOVE that particular game--so much so that I actually made a video for my blog about how to play it. I didn't know the name of it for about two decades! My mom taught me when I was little, and I loved it right away. I've only won once in my life.

Anyway, the benefit to using a real deck of cards (or two decks, in my case) is that it keeps your hands busy. You don't want to get food on the cards, obviously, so eating + solitaire = mess.

2) Completing projects around the house (and learning new skills in the process).

As you know, this has been my latest pastime that I just can't get enough of! While making over my entire house (DIY-style), I learned SO many new skills--drywalling, painting, cutting and installing trim, making my own countertops, installing new doors, building custom shelves, and lots more.

I discovered that I love painting (furniture, trim, doors--anything other than walls). There are very few things left in my house that haven't been painted recently, haha. A fresh coat of paint makes a huge difference in how something looks, but it also keeps my hands busy. I like to put on a good true crime podcast and take my time painting. (My current favorites are Morbid and True Crime All The Time)

I also learned that I love woodworking. This is my new favorite hobby. I learn more each time I make a project, and I'm getting better at it every time. I discovered power tools that I'd never used before and now those are pretty much my favorite things that I own. I would choose a trip to Lowe's over a mani/pedi at the salon any day!

It can be an expensive hobby, so I am limited as to how much I can do. I also have a small car, so transporting materials isn't easy--the maximum board length that I can fit is 8 feet; and sheets of plywood have to be cut down at Lowe's. Anyway, once I get started on a woodworking project, I don't want to stop for anything--I hate leaving projects half-finished. Even if I am starving, I would rather skip a meal than quit in the middle of a woodworking project.

The past couple of days, I've been working on a set of steps for my side door. We had a small porch there, but it was a waste of space because we rarely use that door; not to mention that the wood was starting to rot and it was in really bad shape. I'll post photos of that soon.

Another household project that I loved working on was replacing the trim along the floor and the casings around the doors and windows. There are several windows and doorways that I haven't done yet (again, it's an expense), but when I do them, I love the process of measuring and then cutting with my miter saw (that I bought used on Facebook Marketplace for cheap!). And then using my Paslode (again, Facebook Marketplace) is embarrassingly exciting for me, hahaha.

3) Organizing a drawer or closet.

If you're not into organizing, this obviously isn't for you; but I absolutely love the result of taking something that is very messy and making it very neat. It's super satisfying! It's also not something that I can do while eating, and it makes me want to continue until it's finished.

If you're unsure where to start, I'd start by going through your closet and finding clothes to donate. For me, this takes up a lot of time and energy because I try on almost everything as I decide whether or not to keep it. After reading The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up, I was inspired to reorganize my clothes and to ditch 95% of my clothes hangers.

It truly was "life changing". The day I organized my clothes (including socks and underwear) into neat folds, I haven't had a messy drawer since! It's very easy to keep up with once it's done. The original process was a HUGE project, but I found it fun to work on and again--it kept me from binge eating.

4) Making my own recipe book.

This was a long project, and always ongoing. First, I created a Pages/Word template so that all I had to do was fill in the boxes with recipe name, ingredients, and directions. Then, I gathered all the recipes that I used frequently or were family favorites and I typed them into the template. After that, I printed them, put them into page sleeves, and organized them in a 3-ring binder.

I use it all the time when meal planning and cooking. (Actually, I will include the template below, in case anyone wants to use it! You may want to change the font to your own liking and save the template as your own, so you don't have to change the font for each recipe.)

This project was very helpful in two ways--one, I kept myself very occupied by initially making the book. It took several weeks of working on it for a couple of hours here and there. Also, as I mentioned, it's super helpful in everyday life! When I need meal ideas or when I'm making a grocery list, I don't have to find each recipe on my computer or search through cookbooks. I just pull out my binder. Occasionally, when I make something new and we enjoy it, I'll add it to the book.

Recipe templates: Here is the template to type in and print recipes. Just save it to your computer as a template.

5) Organizing photos on my computer. 

At this moment, I have over 30,000 photos on my computer. It's insane! Since I wanted digital copies of all of my photos, I started by either scanning or taking photos of the photos I had copies of. Obviously, taking photos of photos isn't ideal, but it's certainly more than adequate. You can't even tell that it's not the original on most of them.

After all photos were digital, I saved them to a folder on my computer from every source I had (flash drives, external hard drive, my phone, etc). Once they were all on my computer, I put them in a folder and saved them all to my external hard drive (just in case something should happen to my computer, I have a back-up).

Then, I started to go through them and change the dates on the ones that I'd scanned in (otherwise, the date on the photo will be the date you scan it rather than the date it was taken). To do this, I used a very cool app called ShootShifter that allows you to organize photos in a folder. On ShootShifter, you can drag photos to the order that you want and correct the dates, filenames, and other things. This is my favorite app for correcting dates/times, because all you have to do is drag the photos in the order you want, and it will automatically correct the dates based on your preferences.

Then there was a problem with duplicate photos. SOOOO many of them! I downloaded an app called Duplicate Photos Fixer Pro, which allows you to use your preferred settings to find duplicates (or near-duplicates... like when you take 2-3 pictures in a row to make sure no one is blinking, etc).

When all of the photos were corrected and duplicates deleted, I created a brand new folder and saved them there--both on my computer and my external hard drive.

The next step was finally organizing them. Since I have a MacBook, I have the Photos app on my computer (I'm not sure what the Microsoft equivalent is). I uploaded all of my photos into Photos (I hate that they didn't come up with a slightly more creative name than "Photos" for the app!).

From the Photos app, I started tagging the faces in each photo. Once you tag several of the same people, the app itself will search for people that it believes are the same, and you can accept or deny the tag (it saves you from having to tag every single photo).

I also created keywords for things like pets, races, travel, food, etc., and I added the keywords to the fitting photos. I created albums of photos using the "Smart Albums" feature--you list a guideline or two, and the app will take all of those photos and put them into an album.

For example, I can make a Smart Album with photos that include "kids" and "pets"--so the app will automatically take all of the photos with those keywords and put them into the album. Then I will have lots of pictures of my kids with our pets. I have Smart Albums for things like races, food, holidays, etc. Then, when I need a photo (let's say I'm looking for a race photo to use on my blog) I can just sort through that album until I find what I need.

6) Knitting or crocheting.

This one isn't a very unique idea, but during the beginning of my weight loss, this was a huge help to me. I obviously didn't want to eat while knitting or crocheting because I didn't want food on the yarn I was working with! This was also something that I could do at night when watching TV after the kids were in bed. Prior to that, I would put the kids to bed and then dig out the binge food to eat while I watched my shows.

I also started to choose more complicated patterns (like lace) because you have to pay very close attention to the pattern while knitting. One missed step or dropped stitch could be detrimental while working an intricate pattern. Now that I've been really into podcasts (which weren't really a "thing" back then), I can listen to a podcast and knit or crochet at the same time.

---

Well, there you have it! Hopefully these are some helpful ideas. If you have more ideas, I'd love to read them. It basically boils down to finding things we enjoy doing MORE than binge eating. And the things on this list fit the bill for me. Despite the weight gain, I'm thrilled that I'm free of binge eating (hopefully for good)!

Continue Reading...

Walking Plan (Week 1) and Wednesday Weigh-In

I have not had a great week. My anxiety is still sky high, even though I felt like cutting out the caffeine helped. I just don't understand it! There is absolutely no reason for the anxiety, but it's nearly constant for me now.

My eating was not so great this week, either, and I gained 1.6 pounds from last week. I'm still down three pounds from where I started a few weeks ago, but I'm certainly not going to make any more progress if I keep eating how I did this past week.

I guess I have been using the food to help with the anxiety, but it clearly doesn't--at all. I really need to go see my psychiatrist. I've been resisting changing anything with my meds because everything was working out SO WELL until a few months ago. I felt the best I had mentally in a long time--very stable.

The only thing that's really changed is that I stopped drinking. I had hoped that quitting drinking would make me feel BETTER, not worse. However, I've discovered from a couple of people who quit drinking that the first few months to a year can feel worse before it starts to get better. That's a long time to wait!

My goal for this sobriety journey was to go for a full year without drinking; so, hopefully, I'll start to feel the benefits of it before the year is up! Haha. I was hoping that I'd feel really great at the end of the year and it'll make me want to quit alcohol for good. I'm not saying that drinking will make things better--that's obviously not true--but I just wish that I felt the benefits of quitting already.

I'm going to keep this post relatively short, because even writing a blog post makes me anxious.

On a positive note, on Monday I started the Walking for Weight Loss Training Plan that I wrote. There are three "easy" walks per week and two walks with hard intervals. I have to say, the immediate benefit of this plan was that I didn't dread doing the walks like I did running. I like the thought of my easy walks being days where I don't have to worry about changing into workout clothes, showering right afterward, and working it into my day so I'd have extra time to do those things.

The first day was a 45 minute easy walk, and I did put on my heart rate monitor just to see what my heart rate looked like from walking versus running. I actually did this one on the treadmill, and I was able to text and look at Instagram and stuff like that while I was walking. The easy walks are meant to be truly easy, and it was.

I set the speed at (I think) 2.8 mph, which felt just right. My average heart rate was 115 bpm. My only goal was to keep it under 143 bpm, so I obviously did that. When I saw that my heart rate was so much lower than my aerobic target, I read up some more on MAF training and it said that the ideal range would be to train at that target or up to 10 bpm lower (so my ideal range would be 133-143 bpm).

On tomorrow's walk (30 minutes easy) I'll aim for that heart rate range and see how it feels (also, what speed is required to get it to that range). What feels "easy" as far as my exertion level probably won't get my heart rate into that zone; so, I'm going to do some more reading about what is ideal for walking rather than running.

On the speed work days (hard walking intervals), I did get my heart rate higher--but still nowhere near what I did when I was running. The first interval walk isn't accurate as far as my heart rate goes, because I wore a regular bra instead of a sports bra, and it somehow affected my heart rate strap. So, I can only base the numbers on the interval walk I did yesterday.

Yesterday's workout was: 10 minutes easy; then 6 x (2 min fast, 1 min easy); then 10 minutes easy for a cool down. (You'll see below that I only did 7 minutes for a cool down--for some reason, I was thinking I had to stop at 35:00 and not 38:00! My mistake.)

For each of the 2-min fast segments, my heart rate peaked at 152, 154, 157, 155, 156, and 155. On my warm-up and cool down, my heart rate was an average of 114 and 119 respectively. I was walking as fast as I possibly could during the 2-min segments--my pace was 12:53, 13:27, 13:10, 13:15, 13:26, and 13:36. (I had no idea I was capable of walking that fast.)

If I want to get my heart rate higher on the intervals, I'll probably need to use the treadmill and add incline. However, being in the 150's is still higher than my target of 143, so maybe that will be beneficial regardless. Like I said, I'll read some more about it.

Also, because the plan is only in the first week, the intervals are rather short. I'm sure that when I'm doing 4-5 minute intervals at a fast pace, my heart rate will get much higher at its peak.

This whole thing is so interesting to me because it's something I've not tried before. The 80/20 method of running worked SO WELL for training and for weight loss, and I am hoping that it works well for walking, too. But like I said, I'm basically testing this plan on myself right now, so I can't say exactly what is going to happen.

Also, I have to consider that I ate crappy this week, and the walking isn't going to make up for that. I'd really like to focus on eating well this week along with the walking. I hope that might help with the anxiety, too! Meanwhile, I'll see my psychiatrist and see what he thinks about making any changes with my meds.

Continue Reading...