Something I Like About Myself (a writing prompt)

(I spent way too much time trying to figure out what sort of photo I could use to represent this post. I finally settled on this one of me holding a gosling that I rescued from Phoebe! It's an old photo--from 2011.)

As I've written about before, my friend John posts a "Question of the Day" on Facebook every day. Whether I write a reply or not, the questions always make me pause for a moment to think about my answer.

Today's question was "The answer can be about something physical, something you can do, or a habit you have. And it can be serious or silly, important or shallow. But tell us, what is something you like about yourself?"

This question really hit me hard. I remember going to a new therapist during a particularly bad episode of depression, and at the very first session, she asked me to tell her something I liked about myself. 

I racked my brain as quickly as I could, feeling completely stupid as the seconds ticked on and I couldn't come up with ANYTHING positive to say. I could feel my face turning hot and my eyes welling with tears. After what felt like an eternity, I told her that I just don't know. And I cried. And I felt ridiculous that I couldn't answer such a simple question--I couldn't even make something up on the spot! I didn't want to be a blubbering cliché in the first 10 minutes I spent with the therapist.

A lot has changed since then--I believe that episode happened in 2007-ish--but I still have a hard time being "nice" to myself. I'm extremely self-critical, even though I try not to be. Even at this moment, while I think about the answer to the question, I find myself arguing against any answer I come up with! 

Since the question is "something" I like about myself and not what I like "best" about myself, I feel like it's a little easier.

Something I like about myself is that I am very sympathetic and empathetic to others. I always do/say things with the best intentions. I truly care about others' feelings and I want everybody to be happy.

This is extremely ironic because I wrote a blog post in January called "What is one thing I would change about myself?" and the answer was the same--I'm empathetic. I'm a so-called "empath", which can be very positive and also very negative. For this post, I'll focus on the positive!

When friends, family, or even total strangers share something that is bothering them, I really, truly CARE. I don't just pretend to care or have the feeling like, "everybody goes through stuff, you'll be fine". When I ask what I can do to help, I really mean it--I want to do something, anything, to help them feel better.

I try to read between the lines when people aren't very kind or when they are rude in some way. If I get a mean comment on my blog or if someone snaps at me when I don't feel like I've done anything wrong, I try to think about where it came from--perhaps they just had a bad day and were taking it out on me, or perhaps I said something that they were already insecure about. I try to feel sympathetic even to people who aren't very nice to me by giving them the benefit of the doubt.

When I compliment someone, it's always sincere. I would rather not say anything at all than give an insincere compliment.

Nothing makes me happier than doing something kind and unexpected for someone else. I very rarely share about the things I've done for people because I feel like that takes away from the experience. I don't do these things for recognition, but rather because I hope that it makes them happy.

People have done kind things for me in times where I needed it most (and yes, I'm talking about some of you who are reading this!) and I think about those things frequently. If I can do that for someone else, then I'm thrilled :)

Okay, so that's the deep answer to the question of what I like about myself. To end on a light note, something trivial that I like about myself?

I'm very photogenic!

People have told me my entire life that I photograph very well. That doesn't mean that I love all the photos of me, but that I can almost always make my smile look natural and somehow show my best side. My parents and siblings have always been very photogenic as well.

Well, I wouldn't say I'm *always* photogenic...

I also think I'm a little funny ;)   (Here is the story behind the above photo, if you're new here!)

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Feeling Old

I never used to think about getting old or worry about what I would look like as I got older. Until a couple of years ago, I used to think I looked relatively young for my age (or at least not *older than* my age).

I had a very hard time turning 30, but after that hump, I didn't worry too much about the number. I didn't freak out over getting some gray hairs. I think wrinkles in the right places can actually be cute! (I love "crows feet" that crinkle when people smile). 

Several months ago, someone said something that felt like a punch in the stomach and really made me question all of that again. And I hate that I let it bother me! I'm used to people talking about my weight--it's super public and I have no problem discussing it (obviously). But my age?

I'm 38. Jerry will be 40 in a couple of weeks.

I'd gone with Jerry to his appointment with the gastroenterologist about his stomach issues, and they ordered lab work. We went right from his appointment to the lab. We walked into the lobby, and Jerry brought his script up to the counter while I sat down in the waiting area. Jerry handed over his ID and insurance card, and the woman who took them exclaimed that she would never have guessed he was in his late thirties...

"I thought that was your mom with you!"

My mouth literally gaped open. The other receptionist immediately tried to explain "he just looked so young--not that you looked old". I couldn't even laugh about it. She thought I was his MOM?

Suddenly, every hair on my head was gray, and every wrinkle on my face was as deep as the Grand Canyon. I was a little old lady with a walker and bifocals, drinking prune juice and calling the receptionists "honey" in a thin, wavering voice. I was ancient. At Death's door. God's waiting room. Bill Knapps, for Chrissake! (And saying words like "Chrissake")

I write this tongue-in-cheek, of course. (The Bill Knapps reference is something that my friend Sarah and I used to laugh about in college--she worked at Bill Knapps and would talk about how most people who dined there were probably in their 80's.) But I'd never felt self-conscious about my age until that one comment threw me for a loop. One that is still circling. 

All of the signs of aging suddenly started to hit me. I hadn't thought about it until it was brought to my attention via a very nice receptionist who was not trying to be rude, but happened to blurt out the wrong thing to an insecure person.

Lately, I've been very conscious of my skin.

The sun is not good to my skin. For as long as I can remember, I've had vitiligo (a skin condition that causes white patches to form because the skin in those areas loses pigment). People tend to think of Michael Jackson when they hear about vitiligo--I do believe he had it as he claimed, but I think he probably had some sort of treatment to lighten the rest of his skin to "match" the vitiligo patches.

Anyways, I have patches here and there, which are easily hidden, but I also have it on my face (not so hidden). It honestly never really bothered me until a year or so ago when I noticed that I was also getting darker pigmentation in areas of my face, too (melasma, I believe, but I haven't been diagnosed with anything). Melasma is basically the opposite of vitiligo. I guess they are fighting for territory on my face?!

The vitiligo is most pronounced around my eyes, particularly my left eye (it almost looks like white eyeshadow). Ever since I started walking twice a day outside, the dark spots are getting darker which makes the vitiligo stand out even more. I really hate that the skin on my upper lip has darkened--it looks like I have a mustache!

I don't like to wear make-up, and I rarely do. But maybe if I did, people wouldn't think I was old enough to have a 39-year old son!

Whenever I go outside, I wear SPF 110 and a visor to shield my face. I always wear the sunscreen, even if it's cloudy outside or early morning when the sun is barely up. I hoped that by keeping my face protected from the sun, the dark spots wouldn't get darker. However, it just keeps getting worse, and each time I see my face in the mirror or pictures, I feel self-conscious of it.

Anyway, I know a lot of this is mental (ridiculous that I let one woman's comment trigger this consciousness of aging) but I really am concerned about my skin. Do any of you have melasma and/or vitiligo? I don't mind the vitiligo very much, because my skin is (usually) very light and you can't see the vitiligo patches very well. But this melasma (or whatever is making the skin on my face darken) is driving me crazy because it seems to get worse by the day.

I'm just curious if any of you experience it and if you have any advice--I'd love to hear/read! (I don't take birth control pills, which that is known as a trigger for melasma, so it's not related to that.)

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11 Years Ago, I Weighed 253 Pounds

I'm pretty sure I write about this every year on this day, but it's a significant day to me. Other than the birth of my children, this day in 2009 was probably the biggest game changer of my life. (My favorite post I've written on this anniversary date can be found here: Fed Up!)

It was on August 19, 2009 that I stepped on the scale and saw 253.0 pounds. It was my highest weight other than when I was pregnant with Eli (I got up to 271 when I was pregnant). On this day (it was a Wednesday, which is why I've always done my "official" weigh-ins on Wednesdays), I started counting Weight Watchers Points. 

I really had no idea that I was going to stick with it as long as I did. I had tried losing weight a trillion times before and I didn't think this time would be any different. 

There was one thing that I did differently this time around: I decided that I wasn't going to make any changes that I wasn't willing to do for the rest of my life. Note that I wrote "willing to"--not "can". Technically, I CAN make pretty much any change for the rest of my life--but I'm not willing to do a lot of those things. (I wrote a post about it here: The "Golden Rule" That Helped Me Lose 125 Pounds.)

Whenever I'd tried to lose weight before, I made dietary changes that I figured would be the fastest way to lose weight. I was only thinking in the short term; the long term plans weren't even an issue for me. And that is why I was never successful at losing the weight. 

This time around, 11 years ago, I decided I was only going to make changes that I was willing to do forever if that's what it took. My weight loss story is all over my blog, so I won't recap the whole thing here.

But I do like to think back to what it felt like to be 253 pounds. It was so long ago that I tend to forget why I wanted to lose the weight. Here are some things that I remember from before I lost the weight:

I wanted to be able to play with my kids rather than just sit and watch them play.

I wanted to be able to bend over and tie my shoes without having to hold my breath.

I hated that I always felt out of breath. I would cover the mouthpiece of my phone after answering so that the person on the other end couldn't hear my breathlessness.

I was always tugging at my shirt and adjusting my pants to try to hide the rolls of fat, especially in photos. And I would always use my kids or other people to shield me in photos in order to be as invisible as possible.

It's funny--in the pictures below, I actually tried to hide behind a couple of accessories. In my size 24 dress, I used a black sash to try to cover my stomach. And in the other picture, I wore a scarf to try to hide my double chin. Hahaha!

I wore Jerry's size 2XL work t-shirts all the time. I didn't have clothes that fit me because I hated shopping so much. I wore the same few pairs of pants (size 24W) and Jerry's shirts. And Crocs! Because I couldn't tie my shoes, I wore slip-on Crocs most of the time.

I couldn't wrap a bath towel all the way around my body. There was a huge gap in the front.

I wanted to wear cute lingerie so badly, but I didn't feel pretty or worthy enough to wear it. I remember buying my first teddy after losing the weight. I (and Jerry!) loved it ;)

I never felt pretty. I was told all the time that I had "such a pretty face" (why is that so cliché?) but I couldn't see it. If someone complimented me, I thought they were just saying it to be polite. I couldn't fathom the possibility that their compliment may have been sincere.

Some may find it surprising, but I wasn't lazy. I refused to fit that stereotype. I used to take the stairs in office buildings (even if it was several flights up). I parked far from the door in parking lots. I took my kids places like the zoo, where there was a lot of walking. I WANTED to be lazy, but I didn't want to fit that "fat" stereotype.

There are so many other things that I could write about from back then. I actually wrote a post called 100 Ways My Life Changed When I Lost 100 Pounds, and it describes a lot of these in detail.

My weight has gone up and down more times than I can count over the past 11 years, but I've managed to keep most of the weight off. My life is completely different in a lot of ways--I feel better, I look better, I'm healthier--but there are a lot of things that haven't changed much as well. I will always feel self-conscious of my size (even when I was wearing a size 2, I felt uncomfortable). I still don't *love* exercise. I still eat junk food. I still think about my weight way too much and put too much importance on it.

However, the positives far outweigh the negatives. And I need to remind myself every year that I am far better off now than I was before. When I remember how I felt on this day in 2009, I am grateful that I don't have to feel that way anymore. 

Whether I'm having up days or down days, I am always trying to improve myself and feel my best. I have so much to be grateful for, but I am always in pursuit of my happiest life :)

I wanted to post a good "after" photo here, but there never really IS an "after" in my story. There are so many ups and downs! So instead of choosing a photo based on my weight, I decided to choose a fairly recent photo from when I felt extremely good about myself. 

I put in MONTHS of blood, sweat, and tears (and lots of bruises) to remodel my home. I was SO proud of my entire DIY project and I couldn't believe how much I had done. Things I never could have imagined. I taught myself so much and I felt like I could do anything!

So, here is a photo to represent that. Wearing my ratty painting/work clothes standing in the kitchen that I had completely made over, I felt amazing. (Here is the page with all of my DIY projects that I did to makeover my house)

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Anniversary Photos That I Almost Didn't Post

Today, Jerry and I have been married for 17 years. In some ways, it feels like forever; in others, it feels like we just got married yesterday. We both definitely feel like newlywed kids--even 17 years, two kids, a nephew, two nieces, a house, and several pets later.

Because of COVID, we didn't make any big plans for our anniversary today. What we really wanted to do was to go to Red Lobster and then to the movies--something we did ALL THE TIME when we were dating. Due to the circumstances, we decided to stay home, make a Doritos Taco Salad and watch a couple of movies with the kids. Basically a typical weekend night ;)

Jerry bought us something fun for our anniversary, and I was SO excited when I saw it. He can never wait more than three seconds to give me a gift, so the second it arrived in the mail, he told me he couldn't wait and he gave me the package straight from the mail.

He'd designed matching shirts for us to wear today! Hahaha, it was so random, but exactly something Jerry would do. And it's one of my favorite gifts ever, because it made me laugh and it was a fun inside joke between us.

He chose my very favorite photo of us (from like a hundred years ago--2013?--but still...) and wrote on it:

[chuckles]
Since 1999

Jerry and I have been together since May of 1999, which is why he put that year. And the [chuckles] is kind of an inside joke. In our "old age" these days, we watch TV with the captions on (my hearing isn't as sharp as it used to be).

When we first started using the captions, we would see the funniest descriptions (and we still do) and it would make us laugh together. Our favorite is "chuckles" because it's such a funny word and nobody really uses it. 

When we got the kittens, we started blending their names together--and when we said Chuck (Chick + Duck), we both burst out laughing and said we totally should have named one of them Chuckles. 

Anyway, that's where the "chuckles" came from on the shirts.

Every anniversary, we like to have one of the kids take a few pictures of us to collect as we age through the years. I've been so self-conscious lately of the weight I've gained and I've been avoiding the camera as much as possible (other than my daily "progress photo" for 75 Hard) but I still wanted to get photos today.

We each put on our t-shirt and posed while Noah took some pictures. I was feeling good because of all of the hard work I've been doing with 75 Hard; and then when I saw the pictures, I got really upset. I don't know what I was expecting, but I couldn't believe how big I look in them. I look the same size (if not bigger) than Jerry!

I really didn't want to share these pictures. I wanted to just pretend that everything was great and that I'm super happy with the progress I've made. I certainly didn't want to let this ruin our anniversary. 

But I keep telling myself that in 20, 30, 40 years, am I really going to care what my weight was today? Will it really matter if people judge me today for how I look? Maybe I'll lose the weight again and maybe I won't--but I'm sure that the most judgmental person is ME. Instead of seeing my husband of 17 years looking amazing and fun and happy, I was looking at a roll here or a bulge there on my body. (But seriously, doesn't Jerry look great?! He's been doing intermittent fasting since a few months before I started.)

Jerry couldn't understand what I was even talking about. He kept saying that I look amazing, and of course, I told him the's only saying that because he's my husband. When he compliments me, I have such a hard time believing it. 

I'm still not happy with how I look in these photos, but I'm going to post them. Because I'm proud that Jerry and I have been married for 17 years and we've been through all sorts of ups and downs. I'm not going to let these photos "ruin" our anniversary, and I'm going to continue to work on ME.

Maybe next year I'll be happy with our anniversary photos and maybe I won't; but these photos are a visual of a very stressful couple of years for me. They represent that things aren't always perfect, but we pull through. In a way, they even make me feel lucky because I have a husband that sees me as beautiful no matter what.

Jerry is my very best friend and I'm continuously in awe that he puts up with my "craziness". It's hard to be with someone who has bipolar disorder! To quote Forrest Gump, my very favorite movie, "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." Except "life" is me and he opens that's box daily--sometimes hourly! Hahaha.

"I'm gonna lean up against you, and you just lean right back against me. This way we don't have to sleep with our heads in the mud..."

Jerry and I have literally NOTHING in common, but we somehow make our relationship work. I love to spend time with him, even if it's just sitting in the same room together. Some of my favorite parts of our relationship:

We quote from movies and TV shows completely randomly during conversations.
We balance each other out--he's an extrovert and I'm an introvert.
We agree on how we raise our kids.
Jerry is SO willing to take on chores/tasks around the house to make things easier on me when I'm stressed out or depressed. He is not afraid to do laundry or dishes and he never avoided changing a diaper when our kids were little.
We trust each other 100%. About everything.
We don't keep secrets from each other.
We do all sorts of goofy things that people would consider immature, but we have so much fun together.

And that's all I have to say about that. ;)

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Just for fun... 

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75 Hard: Week 1 Recap

First, if you don't know what 75 Hard is, you can read about it in this post.

I can't believe it's been a week already since I started 75 Hard. I thought time would drag on, but it's flying by and I feel amazing--a million times better (mentally and physically) than I did just a week ago. It's done a ton for my overall mood.

Going into this, I was feeling so out-of-control with everything. I was constantly planning for "tomorrow" on getting back on track with my diet and exercise, but mentally, I just couldn't get there. I needed to feel better mentally so that I could have the strength to focus on the physical. I wasn't feeling depressed, per se, but just angry and disgusted with myself for losing all focus.

It's only been a week since I started this mental challenge, but I was feeling better by Day 3. This is the longest I've stuck with any sort of plan in who-knows-how long. And the best part is, I don't hate it; I don't feel like I'm white-knuckling my way through a torturous 75 days. Sure, I could make it "harder" by cutting out food groups and doing insane workouts, but the main reason I wanted to do this challenge is to get my head back in the game.

So, to recap this week... there are a lot of things to keep track of! I've been using a habit tracker app to check things off as I do them, but it's become completely routine now. I actually get most of the items done in the morning.

Drink one gallon of water every day.

This one is easy for me. I have a quart-sized water bottle, and I typically drink the whole thing within five minutes or so. I stop counting the number of times I refill it after my fourth bottle, but I probably drink one or two more after that. So I'm drinking about 1-1.5 gallons of water. That seems like so much!

Take a progress photo every day.

I do this right after I get dressed to go for my walk in the morning. I just take a full-body selfie and in the mirror in my bathroom. I'm not going to post the photos (at least not yet!) because they are terribly unflattering. Depending on how this challenge goes, I may post them later.

Today, I compared the one from a week ago to the one from today, and I already notice a difference in my stomach (a lot of the weight I've gained has been in my stomach).

Diet of choice + no alcohol.

I'm doing intermittent fasting with a 4-hour window. I keep this flexible as far as what time I plan to "break the fast" because I want to be able to allow for social situations. But I typically eat at 4:00.

I've love being able to make and eat very filling dinners. Before, I was always trying to keep calories low for each meal so that I could spread them throughout the day; now, I've had to adjust things to make the calories higher (since I'm condensing a day's worth of calories down to a 4-hour window).

After I eat, I feel totally satisfied until I go to bed, which is so different from when I was counting calories. I always used to "need" a snack at night, but the intermittent fasting helps in a several ways:

1) I love that I don't think about food all the time. I literally don't think about it until I'm cooking and getting ready to eat. When counting calories, all I could think about was food!

2) I like being hungry when it's time to eat because everything tastes SO good. Food always tastes better when I'm hungry. 

3) I love that I can eat until I'm full. I don't eat until I'm completely stuffed, but I eat until I am full enough to not want any more food. 

4) I'm eating healthier foods. Because I'm condensing everything down to a small window, I want to make sure to eat something nutritious. But I don't restrict myself from anything, though. 

5) I don't feel weak during the day like I sometimes did when counting calories. I don't know how or why this is, because I'm probably getting the same amount of calories (I haven't counted, but I can guesstimate). The only time I feel tired is immediately after eating. But even that is starting to fade. It was most noticeable the first few days.

6) This is something I can see myself doing for the rest of my life. If I had to follow a particular "diet" for this 75 Hard challenge, I wouldn't have decided to do the challenge. I like doing things that I find work well for me and that I know I can maintain. 

Needless to say, I'm feeling great about the intermittent fasting!

Read 10 pages of a non-fiction/educational/self-awareness-type book.

I've been reading 'The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are' by Brené Brown (Amazon affiliate link). I received this from my friend Emily as a gift, and I read half of it back in 2017. I LOVED what I read and it really changed the way I was viewing things.

It helped me to stop worrying about what others think of me, which was a huge deal. Writing vulnerable posts on my blog opens up the door to receive some harsh/rude/cruel comments that used to hurt my feelings. After reading (half of) this book, I truly realized why those comments spoke more about the commenter than about me, and it actually gave me sympathy for the commenters. Comments still sting sometimes, but I'm able to look at them differently and realize it's not really about me.

I felt so empowered after half the book that I stopped reading it! Not very smart. I thinks it's a great book for the 75 Hard reading, so I started it from the beginning and will finish it this time. It's been a good refresher, and this time, I'm reading "actively"--highlighting and really absorbing different parts.

Workout 45 minutes twice a day (at least one must be outdoors).

The hardest part of the whole challenge for me is the second 45-minute workout. Even though I'm only walking or riding my bike, I would rather be doing something else (something lazy). But I love that this challenge forces me to do it because I feel better for it.

I find that doing the first one right after getting up helps a lot. If I was to procrastinate this, I'd have a VERY hard time doing both workouts. And like I mentioned before, because I'm not doing hardcore workouts, I don't struggle with dreading it. 

Here is what my first week's workouts looked like (all were outdoors):

I like looking at my heart rate, especially to see how it works in the MAF zone. I'm surprised that my heart rate gets higher with bike riding than it does with walking, because bike riding feels easier. I have no idea why my heart rate was so high for my walk on Thursday. Since Garmin Connect was done, I didn't log any notes.

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So, the first week of 75 Hard is in the books, and I'm loving the changes I'm seeing/feeling already. This week may be more challenging because I'm going up north to visit my sister, but I'm still planning to do the checklist every single day!

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Happy Summer Solstice Day!

I can't thank you enough for the kind and empathetic comments on my last post. I was miserable yesterday and just felt full of self-hatred. I can't say that I'm feeling much better today, but at least I don't have to try on clothes.

I was able to squeeze into a pair of size 12 black pants this morning for the funeral. I wore a very loose top so it would hide my muffin top!

At the funeral, I stepped WAY out of my comfort zone. First, to backtrack...

Eli is a very shy, introverted empath. He's the sweetest kid ever, but unless you get to know him, it's hard to see that. The problem is, he doesn't put himself out there or try to make friends. I was so happy when he joined his baseball team because I hoped he'd make some close friends. Instead, he still seems more like an outsider.

I talked to his coach about it, and his coach said that his son is the same way, so he understood. Still, I told Eli that I would love for him to start talking to the kids on the team. He knows that I'll let him invite friends over anytime he wants, but he says it would feel awkward because he doesn't know them well.

Anyway, I told him that if he would do something out of his comfort zone (like starting a conversation with someone on his team), that I would do something that makes ME very uncomfortable as well. I gave him some suggestions, and he didn't do them that day, unfortunately. But that brings me to today...

I decided that it was the perfect opportunity to step outside of my comfort zone. As the similar shy, introverted empath that I am, I absolutely HATE public speaking. I hate having the spotlight on me in any way. However, there was a story that I wanted to share about Grandpa Frank at the funeral, so I was debating with myself whether I could do it.

The room was full of people I don't know (I knew a few, but most of them I did not). When the pastor asked if anyone else had something they'd like to share about Frank, I waited in the silence until the last possible second, and then I stood up and said that I would like to share.

I went up to the podium, and speaking into a microphone(!) I told the story about my last memory of Grandpa Frank (I explained it on yesterday's post). I was shaking as I spoke (and trying not to cry because funerals are sad and I felt sad telling the story), but I managed to get through it. And later, several of Frank's family members came up to me to thank me and say that they loved the story.

I'm really glad I was able to shove aside my terror reservations about speaking to a room full of people so that I could tell the story of Grandpa Frank. And as a bonus, I can now tell Eli that I stepped WAY out of my comfort zone so now he owes me ;)

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Anyway, as of 5:43 PM today, it's officially summer! Summer is my least favorite season of the year due to the weather (I'm not a fan of the heat, humidity, or sun), but I do like the freedom of not having to drive the kids to and from school. It gives me so much more time!

As I've mentioned several times over the last couple of weeks, today was also the first day of my annual Cookies Summer Run/Walk Challenge (details are on this post). Today's item on the checklist was to run or walk from spring into summer--starting before 5:43 PM (ET) and ending afterward.

Yesterday, I said that I was going to do a run. Well, today I changed my mind and did a walk instead. Since I'm feeling so bad about the shape my body is in right now, I thought that if I went for a run, it would feel extremely difficult and suck all the fun out of it. I realized that I was dreading the solstice run/walk because I was planning to run it; but when I thought about going for a walk, I was looking forward to it.

Selfishly, I did not take Joey with me. I wanted to walk at my own pace and not have to be pulled along by Joey. I just wanted some peaceful time to myself.

I started my walk at 5:15. It was 90℉! I listened to the latest Morbid podcast while I walked. I had planned to take a photo of my Garmin at exactly 5:43 PM to show that I'd walked from spring to summer. However, I got distracted and saw that it was 5:46 before I got the photo. Oh well!

When I got home, I'd walked 2.27 miles in 41:19 (an 18:13/mi pace).

Normally I enjoy walking more than running because it doesn't get you all sweaty and make you have to shower afterward. However, with the heat today, I got very sweaty.

I came inside to take a shower, and when I took of the brand new hot pink sports bra I'd worn, I actually put it in the sink to soak and hopefully get some of the dye out of the fabric. I did this because of what happened the last time I wore a brand new pink bra when I went for a run...

Haha! Still, I won't be wearing a lighter colored shirt over this bra. That was embarrassing. You can't really tell from the picture, but the water definitely turned pink.

I'm probably going to be doing several treadmill walks or runs over the next couple of weeks because it's "fish fly" season. We don't have my in our neighborhood, so I was surprised when I went out to the point of the peninsula, they were AWFUL. Look at this spot on the road... all fish flies!

So gross. But, we deal with them every year for a couple of weeks, so we can manage. I just hope they don't come inside the garage when I work out there (I always open the garage doors for airflow).

I'm sure I'll do another item on the list tomorrow. I haven't planned my checklist calendar out yet, but I really want to complete the list this year!

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Disgusted With Myself (a downer post, sorry)

Today was a big slap in the face with reality, and it couldn't have come at at worse time.

My long time best friend, Sarah (who lives in Arizona) is in town right now because her grandpa died a couple of days ago. He was 91 years old, but it was still unexpected. When I was growing up, I was fairly close with Sarah's grandparents. I called them "Grandpa Frank" and "Grandma Sally".

I will never forget the last time I saw them together. At my wedding, instead of doing a "garter dance" and bouquet toss, I decided to do something a little classier to give away my bouquet. The DJ called all married couples to the dance floor, and then began to excuse couples based on how long they'd been married... "If you've been married less than a year, please step off..." "...less than five years, please step off..." etc.

At the end, it was just Jerry and I dancing next to Sally and Frank. They'd been married the longest of any other couple there!

I gave Grandma Sally my bouquet, and she felt terrible taking it (I didn't mind--as you know, I'm not into flowers--so I insisted). I later learned that she had decided to get it preserved for me! However, that didn't happen...

Two days after my wedding, Grandma Sally died unexpectedly.

I only saw Grandpa Frank a few times after that. I wasn't living on the same street anymore and Sarah had moved to Arizona.

Grandpa Frank and Grandma Sally were fantastic! I didn't have a grandpa growing up, so it was fun to see the dynamic between them and Sarah. I loved going over to their house.

I've always eaten "tomato juice and noodles" since I was a kid (literally the only two ingredients) but I remember that Grandma Sally used to take it to another level by adding (probably way too much) butter. It was delicious! To this day, I still add a pat of butter to my tomato juice and noodles, and I think of Grandma Sally every time.

Anyway, Grandpa Frank's funeral is tomorrow. There was a visitation at the funeral home today and then tomorrow there is a one-hour visitation before the funeral itself.

It didn't occur to me until last night that I need something nice to wear. Since this quarantine, I've only worn yoga pants and occasionally my size 10 jeans. I tried on my largest pair of dress pants (size 8) last night, and they weren't even close to buttoning. Not that I was expecting them to. My jeans have been fitting, but getting tighter by the day. (Also, they are "stretchy" jeans, so...)

Today, I worked in the garage all morning, taping and mudding drywall. Then I had to drive Noah to the beach to hang out with his friends. While I was out, I went to Salvation Army to get some decent clothes for a funeral.

Judging by the way my clothes were fitting, I figured I'd need a size 12. I went through all of the black dress pants and pulled out several. The stores aren't allowing people to use the fitting rooms right now due to COVID, so I chose a few favorites. I also picked out a few shirts that were size large, hoping they would fit. I honestly have no clue what size I am right now!

I bought the clothes and went home. I tried them on as soon as I got home.

Nothing fit.

Literally NOTHING. I was able to button and zip one pair of size 12 black pants, but they were super uncomfortable and unflattering. I wasn't even sure if I'd be able to sit down in them.

I was just so... disgusted. Three years ago, I was wearing a size 4 (and the year before that, a size 2). Somehow, in two years' time, I went from size 4 to size 12/14. I know I wrote a post about how I gained 45 pounds in two years, but until trying on clothes, I didn't realize just what a huge difference that would make in my size. The weight really creeps up on you and then scares the bejeezus out of you when you try on clothes.

I know that so many of you tell me not to be so hard on myself, but today was just a day where I couldn't be anything BUT hard on myself. Gaining this much weight isn't "normal". Quitting drinking for 2019 was a big game-changer for me, but now I just don't know how to go back to being "normal" again. (Quitting drinking made me want to eat more in its place.)

This is, by far, the heaviest I've been in 10 years. And I'm very unhappy with myself. I know what I need to do to change, but I haven't done it. I just can't figure out what's "missing" in my life that I fill with food. And why I can't get exercising to be a habit again.

Right now, I'm going through a depressive phase of bipolar. I've been crying over the stupidest things and I just can't get motivated to do much of anything. Working on the garage today was the first real progress I'd made since I'd finished hanging the drywall.

Trying on all those clothes was a low point for me. I can't believe how much bigger I've gotten, but also how much my body shape has changed. For the first time, I have saddle bags. And love handles. After my skin removal surgery, I don't gain weight underneath my scar. So my body looks very misshapen. And it's hard to focus on anything else when I see myself in the mirror. I actually avoid the mirror as much as I avoid the scale.

I know it's vain. Really, I do. Out of all the problems in the world, this is minuscule in comparison.

But this feels deeper than that to me. I want to know what is going on inside of me that makes me so self-destructive. I may need to find a new therapist (I haven't been seeing my previous therapist for a long time, because we butted heads about a particular subject). I don't know. I see my psychiatrist next week, so I'll ask if he has suggestions.

As of right now, though, I feel full of self-hatred. And I know that tomorrow I'm going to regret posting this. I just don't know what else to write--it's the truth. I have been out of control lately and I need to find that control again.

Tomorrow starts the beginning of my annual Cookies Summer Challenge, and I feel determined to run from spring into summer tomorrow evening. I hope that doing this challenge will make me feel better about myself--regardless of weight.

If I can lose weight, awesome--but I've been saying that for SO LONG now that I just don't believe in myself anymore.

As I write this, I know I need to go back to the store to buy some more clothes--hopefully something that fits--so I can go to the funeral. I honestly don't care about the numbers on the scale or the size on the tag in my clothes... I just want to feel better about my appearance AND about how I feel physically. Right now, I'm feeling how I did when I was 253 pounds.

Sorry for such a downer of a post. This is probably the most vulnerable post I've ever written. But I just feel like I'm in "fuck it" mode, where I don't care about who thinks what about me. I hope that I'll have more positive things to write soon, but I obviously can't make any promises.

Tomorrow, I'll write about how my run goes. I do plan on running during the actual solstice, and I can't imagine it's going to feel good. But it's a start. And running always makes me feel better about myself.

I'm also going to try to work on the garage some more. Even though that has nothing to do with my weight, I like feeling like I'm making progress on SOMETHING. I'm about 1/4 of the way done with taping and mudding.

For those of you who are starting the challenge tomorrow, good luck! I hope to see your posts on Facebook--it will be sure to motivate me. I always found the Summer Challenge posts to be inspiring :)

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Things I Can Do Right Now To Feel Better About Myself

I don't know what the deal is with my mood lately--one minute I think I'm hypomanic, and just hours later, I feel depressed. I might be in a "mixed state" of bipolar, which is basically having symptoms of both hypomania and depression at the same time.

Yesterday I felt super energetic and was very productive around the house. Today, I have had no motivation to even move. I watched a lot of YouTube videos about using a serger--it's super overwhelming, but I hope that once I start playing around with it, I'll understand it better.

Anyway, I started thinking of little things that make me feel better about myself. Some of them are really ridiculous and others are more meaningful, but either way, they are things I can do pretty much at any time and feel a little happier about myself.

* Style my hair and wear make-up; dress in "real" clothes and not just yoga pants and a sweatshirt (looking better makes me feel better about myself in general)

* Tweeze my eyebrows (I'm terrible at keeping up with them, so I feel gross when they are unkempt)

* Go for a run (I always feel better after a run--especially if it's a relatively hard one)

* Clearing out my inbox (it's extremely rare for me to catch up on email, but when I reply to several emails, I feel much better)

* Clean my house (I don't like the actual cleaning part at all, but when I have a clean house, I feel infinitely better). By the way, my house is NEVER as clean as the photo below! But that was when I was taking "after" photos of when I remodeled, so I cleaned extra good.

* Completing a task from my "To Do" list (I love crossing things off of lists, and even if it's something I really don't want to do, it makes me feel better to get it done)

* Actually writing a "To Do" list (when I get everything written down, it feels less overwhelming--like I can tackle one project at a time)

* Play a game with my family (we all enjoy it and it makes me feel good about spending quality time with them)

* Take a shower (including shaving my legs) and then putting on a fresh cozy outfit

* Fix something that needs fixing (anything from mending clothes to fixing a wobbly chair leg, etc)

* Painting my nails (I never paint my nails, because I can't go an hour without chipping them, but I feel good when they are done)

* Taking care of paying bills and getting all of our finances in order (I love having all of that straightened out and it feels good knowing that we're on track with our budget)

* And finally, writing a blog post! (I always have anxiety about trying to think of something to write, so when I write a post, it's a relief of that anxiety--and it feels good)

I want to keep this list in mind so that when I'm having a "down" day like today, I can choose something on the list to give me an instant pick-me-up.

What are some things that make YOU feel good when you're feeling bad about yourself?

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Weight Loss Anxiety: The Monkey On My Back

Oh man, last night's post... haha! I woke up and immediately went to read it because I wondered if it even made any sense. I was deliriously tired and could barely keep my eyes open. I think the lack of sleep finally caught up with me yesterday. I started to write my post and then fell asleep while writing. When I woke up, I was in a total fog.

I really wish that I was able to sleep like a "normal" person. I wake up at roughly the same time every day (6:30-7:30-ish?) no matter what time I go to bed. So the logical reasoning would be to go to bed earlier. But my mind and body are just NOT tired. Reading a book usually helps, but I just can't find one that is pulling me in right now. I need to start a fast-paced thriller.

Anyway, I started to write this post yesterday, but after falling asleep, I knew I couldn't finish it, and I saved it for today...

---

Yesterday, I woke up with a sore throat. It wasn't so much "sore" as it just felt like I had a big lump in throat and it was hard to swallow. This happens a lot when I have bad anxiety.

Lately, I've been feeling anxious quite a bit. It's the kind of anxiety that has no rhyme or reason... it just is. It's there all the time, and it's frustrating to try to figure out what is going on. I even shared this video on Facebook to demonstrate what it's like to live with constant anxiety, and while it's hilarious, I think it's pretty accurate! (If you watch with sound on, it's even better)



Watching this video is as close I can get to describing what anxiety feels like!

Anyway, the "monkey on my back" is what's really making my anxiety flare up--and that "monkey", as stupid as it sounds, is my weight.

The higher my weight climbs, the worse my anxiety gets. I may not think of my anxiety being related to my weight, but when all is said and done, I know that it really is. Having a blog that has been known as a "weight loss blog" for nearly a decade feels like I'm a fraud. I can't give advice to the many people that ask me for advice, because I just haven't found the answers yet. And I probably never will!

Here it is, 10 years after losing 120+ pounds, and I still haven't found the answers.

Every day, I wake up thinking that this is the day that I'm going to turn things around (something I remember very well from when I was 250+ pounds) and then sometime during the day, I make the decision to "just start tomorrow". This alone causes me anxiety, because it's something I always used to tell myself!

"Just starting tomorrow" is a fad diet way of thinking. And I don't do fad diets. The only time I was successful at losing the weight was when I made the decision not to do anything I wasn't willing to do for the rest of my life. (Those things may change, but the fact remains that I shouldn't do anything temporarily just to lose weight.)

I have given it a try countless times in the past couple of years to get back on the wagon and eat well and exercise. I may manage for one day, maybe two... a whole WEEK if I'm lucky and well prepared. But that stupid monkey on my back is always there.

I never stop thinking about my weight, and it's SO STUPID--I know that. Logically, the thought of having my weight on my mind all the time is ridiculous! But I just can't help it. After all these years of people noticing and talking about my weight loss, I know that it's obvious I've gained weight. Nobody says anything about it, but they have to be thinking it when they see me.

The photo below is from a recent game night with friends via Skype. I was super self-conscious when seeing them for the first time in forever. Luckily, they are the kind of friends that don't care the slightest bit what my weight is.

I know I sound like a broken record by saying that I want to get back at it; I want to lose the excess weight; I want to feel my BEST again. However, I just can't seem to get my mindset to where it needs to be in order to follow through.

Jerry and I have this inside joke where we say, "Just throw strikes!" when people say things like "Just think positive!" or "Don't worry about it!" Because in watching our kids play baseball through the years, I can't tell you how many times I have heard coaches tell the pitchers to "throw strikes".

Well, DUH--what do you think the pitcher is TRYING to do?! So, when people tell you not to worry about something, it's like telling a pitcher to throw strikes. I'm TRYING not worry about my weight, but it's just that monkey on my back that won't let go.

I've written goals up to my eyeballs, I've planned out my diet and exercise for days, weeks... and I just can't seem to stick with it. I have a case of the "fuck its"--"Oh, fuck it, I'll just start over tomorrow". And even though I can clearly see this, when it comes to following through I fail miserably.

I have this nagging thought in the back of my mind that pops up quite frequently. I know that my weight shouldn't control my life; I know that my weight gain doesn't make me less of a person; I KNOW that I shouldn't care what other people think. But it's a lot easier said than done.

Because my weight loss has been so public, I feel like my weight GAIN is going to be just as public. Most polite people won't say anything about it, but I think it's pretty obvious and hard not to notice. Sometimes I want to mention it just so that they don't think I'm in denial.

I'm really starting to get worried that I'll never find my determination again. I want to be as disciplined as I used to be. I miss that sense of control. Right now, I feel like everything in my life is out of control and it's stressing me out.

I think a big part of it is that everything feels so difficult in the beginning. I've gotten used to eating junk food and skipping the healthier foods I used to eat--my palate has literally changed so that I don't enjoy those healthier foods anymore.

I also used to love to cook and grocery shop. Over the past couple of years, I've gotten to the point where I hate doing both of those things.

Running feels so hard. What used to be a piece of cake (running a 9:00 minute mile) now seems impossible. Running a 12:00 minute mile feels difficult! I honestly don't care about my pace right now--I'm completely over the mentality of "I used to be fast!"--my biggest desire is to run regularly and have the easy runs feel easy again. I want to feel like I'm making progress.

With running feeling so hard right now, it seems overwhelming to get back into a routine.

I'm tired of talking about losing weight and my goals and not really putting into action the plans that I make. So, I've come up with some solutions that may make things easier. I'm not saying I'm committing to these right now, but I'm trying to problem solve a little.

1) I don't HAVE to run. I can always do a walking program to get back in the habit of going out and exercising. It'll feel easier and maybe I'll eventually choose to add some running. That's exactly what happened when I was losing weight in 2009-2010.

In 2010, I think I weighed about 160 in the picture below. Jeanie and I walked the Indy Mini (a half-marathon) together. I trained for it by walking for 12 weeks. Walking is good exercise, and shouldn't be discounted. At the beginning of training, walking five miles felt tough! My feet were killing me. But walking the half-marathon wasn't bad at all--nothing like the previous two years. You can read about them here: 2008, 2009, and 2010.

2) I can make a menu for the week that is very simple to cook. Things that I don't have to spend 20 minutes prepping and use a bunch of dishes and make a mess in the kitchen. Grilled cheese and tomato soup is easy!

3) I can designate Jerry and the kids to each cook one day a week. That way, I'm only cooking for four days instead of seven.

4) I can slowly adjust my palate back to healthier foods. When losing weight in 2009-2010, I was still eating junk food--just smaller portions. I also made a couple of healthier changes (like having grapes instead of chips with my sandwich).

5) Eat at regular intervals--I do best with eating four times a day, four hours apart.

6) I really don't like making lunch, and a lot of times I'll just skip it and then eat way too much at night. So I can start buying frozen meals that I actually enjoy (yes, there are some good ones!) and eat those for lunch. They are simple and I don't have to cook--I can just throw them in the microwave.

7) I can make ahead meals for the slow cooker (and freeze them) so that I can just take it out of the freezer and throw it in the slow cooker and not worry about cooking that day. When our kitchen was torn apart for remodeling, I spent one Sunday prepping TWENTY meals for the slow cooker. We discovered some recipes that we really liked!

8) Drink more water. I know that I am chronically dehydrated and I really dislike the way it makes me feel. The solution is obvious--drink more water! I used to drink three quarts a day out of sheer habit. This should be an easy change to make. Even if I don't change anything else, I think this will be helpful and I'll feel better.

So, those are just some solutions that I think will make me feel better about myself. I think if I do some of theses, I'll get rid of a lot of this anxiety, too. Making positive changes always makes me feel good.

I don't want this post to sound negative--I really don't. I just wanted to write about my anxiety getting worse as my weight goes up. An introspection.

And after writing this, I wonder if it's not just my weight, but my actual lifestyle that causes the increase in anxiety. If I was eating better and exercising, I'm sure my anxiety would decrease dramatically even if my weight doesn't change.

I'm going to think about a couple of changes I can make that will help me to feel better about it. To feel like I'm at least doing SOMETHING. The weight isn't going to lose itself. And how can running get any easier if I'm not putting in the effort to do it? If I don't make any changes, nothing is going to change!

For the next three days, I'm going to have two goals:
1) Drink 2 quarts of water
2) Go for a walk or run on each of the three days (even if it's just a mile)

That's it! If I can't do that, then I have bigger problems than I thought ;)

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3-Day Challenge Recap and Plans for Another

As I wrote a few days ago, I'd finally gotten on the scale and faced the number I'd been dreading for a while now. I really want to work on getting the extra weight off, but I'm tired of not following through on any of the goals I set for myself.

I love to make challenges for myself--and they always involved 30-, 60-, or 90-day commitments (or even a year). I rarely last more than a few days. A week, if I'm lucky.

So, I had the idea to try a three-day challenge. Since three days is usually when I start to wane on any challenge, I thought it sounded like a good amount of time.

My challenge for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday was as follows:

*Drink a quart of water immediately when waking up. Get dressed in running clothes.
*Run 2 miles, starting within 30 minutes of waking up.
*Count calories on Cronometer.
*Take Joey for a two mile walk.
*Knit, crochet, do a puzzle, play a game, or anything else that is "hands on" in the evenings to avoid snacking.
*Cook a family dinner each day.
*Get dressed in "real" clothes and do my hair and make-up every day. Even though I'm not going anywhere, it makes me feel better about myself.
(Bonus): Write in a journal. I'm not sure I'll be able to stick with this one, but I will try. Maybe if I make it a routine to do while I eat breakfast after my run.

I wrote about Day 1 and Day 2. They went really well!

Day 3 (yesterday) was almost as good, with the exception of cooking dinner.

I went for a run first thing in the morning (well, after I took photos of the squirrels' antics!):

I showered, dressed, and did my hair and make-up.

I drank a quart of water as soon as I was done with my run.

I took Joey for a two-mile walk.

My back has been in a lot of pain lately, and when it was time to make dinner, I just asked Jerry to pick up Jimmy John's on his way home from work. I couldn't stand the thought of being on my feet any longer. When he got there, they were closed. He tried a few more places, and nothing was open.

Finally, he ended up getting McDonald's. We NEVER eat fast food for dinner! But by that time, we were starving and I was just desperate. I really need to start making my kids cook dinner sometimes.

Anyway, other than the McDonald's for dinner, the day went well.

Thoughts on my 3-Day Challenge:

*I love that it's only three days! If there is something that I really don't like about it, I know that after three days, I can alter my plan.
*It pushes me out of my comfort zone, but not so far that it's miserable.
*I FEEL a lot better about myself--going for runs, doing my hair and make-up, walking Joey... it just makes me feel like I'm doing something healthy for myself.

So, I'd like to continue these 3-Day Challenges! Today, I was totally unprepared to start something new, so I didn't. But it gave me an idea. I think I'll do two back-to-back three-day challenges, and then take one day off. That will work out to a week at a time.

By taking a day off, I don't mean going crazy by binge eating and wearing pajamas all day. I mean taking the day off of running, wearing my black stretchy pants and an oversized sweatshirt, and skipping the hair and make-up. Maybe getting Jimmy John's or something for dinner instead of cooking.

So, for my next plan (Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday), I'm going to write different goals for each day. I'm starting back up on my half-marathon training plan, so I'm going to follow that schedule plus add in some walks.

Tuesday -
*Run 2.5 miles within 30 minutes of waking up.
*Drink two quarts of water.
*Count calories on Cronometer.
*Take Joey for a one-mile walk.
*Work on insulating the garage.
*Cook dinner (salisbury steak and mini potatoes).
*Start knitting a sweater.

Speaking of insulating the garage, the insulation and drywall was delivered today! I even started working on installing the insulation. I'm so excited to get this project done. And to have heat in my garage in the winter!

Wednesday -
*Run 2.5 miles within 30 minutes of waking up.
*Drink two quarts of water.
*Count calories on Cronometer.
*Take Joey for a one-mile walk
*Cook dinner (unstuffed cabbage)
*Work on clearing out inbox.

Thursday -
*Take Joey for a three-mile walk within 30 minutes of waking up.
*Drink two quarts of water.
*Count calories on Cronometer.
*Cook dinner (baked ziti)
*Work on sweater or another project.

It's very similar to the last few days, but I rearranged the running/walking a little.

I really like this 3-3-1 Challenge idea (3 days, 3 days, 1 day off). I feel like breaking it up into chunks as small as three days really changes my mindset! And then I can look forward to taking a day off after the second round. :)

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A Chat About My Weight (The elephant--haha!--in the room)

(All photos in the post were taken within the past year)

If you haven't noticed, I haven't been writing much about my weight at all on my blog lately. It's not that I'm trying to keep secrets or anything--I've already talked about my weight gain, and how I'm the heaviest I've been in eight (err, nine) years. That's nothing new.

And really, I haven't written much about it because there isn't much to write! I still weight myself occasionally (not every day, like I used to--maybe about once a week). When I write it down in my little calendar book, I don't really think anything except, "Ugh, I really need to do something to drop these extra pounds."

Yesterday, after I weighed in, I decided to flip through the book and see how long it's been since I was at my goal weight (or close to it). When I started gaining weight. All of that kind of stuff.

And I noticed the most unbelievable thing.

I have actually been within a five-pound weight range for OVER A YEAR. (Let me just add that this is the info I got from my weight log; so if I happened to mention a lower or higher weight in that time, I'm sorry, it's not intentional. I may have dipped a little higher or lower for a minute).

Anyway, when I wrote that post about being the heaviest I've been in eight years (that was in September 2018), I weighed 162. I remember being a little stunned that I'd gotten back up into the 160's. I wasn't proud of it, but I knew it was from emotional eating (and alcohol). I wanted to take it off, but I didn't care so much about the number. I changed my weight goal (without looking back at the post, I want to say 145?).

Throughout the last year, I've given half-hearted attempts at losing the weight, but I just can't seem to get myself into that mindset. It's not that I don't care--I do--it's just that I am not in such a rush and I'm not willing to sell my soul to be thin again.

Yesterday, my weight was 166. I going to have to go back and plot my weight for the last year or so on my Happy Scale app so I can see a graph, but I've literally been in a very small weight range for over 12 months now. Who would have thought that was even possible?! I certainly wasn't trying to do that.

Part of me starts to wonder about the theory of "set points" for our bodies (the weight that our body naturally gravitates to, where it's hard to gain or lose from that weight. I always hoped that if that was true, my "set point" would be about 130 ;)  Apparently, my body likes my weight in the mid-160's.

Keep in mind, however, that I hadn't been running more than a couple of times a month until almost six weeks ago, so that may have something to do with my weight staying up. Also, I gave up alcohol (for a year as an experiment--I'm not going to claim that it's permanent yet!) and admittedly, replaced it with comfort food when I'm anxious.

Other than the few semi-attempts at losing the weight, I've literally been eating whatever and whenever I want, however much I want, for over a year now. I think if I saw the scale continuing to climb, I would probably make more of an effort. But since the scale isn't really moving, I'm kind of loving that I don't have to count calories.

I'm sure many of you have heard of The F*ck It Diet by Caroline Dooner (Amazon affiliate link). (Also, I despise that title) It's basically the most anti-diet diet that is out there. She writes about how you basically don't have any rules whatsoever--eat what you want, when you want it, how much you want, and fuck everything else. We are not slaves to our weight.

I love the idea, but I wasn't consciously following that. It made me too scared to gain more weight on top of what I'd already gained. But looking back, that's pretty much how I gained it in the first place! I'd not heard of it at the time, and I wasn't intentionally eating that way, but I just had a "fuck it" attitude and thought I'd worry about my weight later, when I wasn't so stressed.

(Side note: Noah going to the community college has been a big stressor for me. That and Jerry's depression happened around the same time, and I was super worried and stressed. And anxious. Always anxious. I started drinking more to alleviate anxiety, which caused me to eat more and gain weight, and then I made the decision to go a year without alcohol to hopefully find other coping mechanisms for anxiety.)

The stressors haven't gone away, and sometimes I wish that life had a pause button, to allow me to catch up while the world stops. I am still working on finding ways to cope with anxiety (my favorite is still the games I play on Lumosity while I chew ice). Actually, a lot of the things that I do to avoid binge eating also help with anxiety.

There really isn't a point to this post! I just thought it was very interesting that I've maintained my weight for over a year without even trying, and even though it's about 20 pounds more than I'd like, I'm very thankful not to have gained everything back.

As far as my plans from here? I want to try to lose the weight, but in a different way. I don't want to count calories or make things overly complicated. I know where my problems are--I use food to relieve stress, and of course, it's never salad. Ice cream has been my go-to. I believe that if I made just one change--drastically reduce the ice cream (coupled with my return to running)--I will probably see a noticeable difference on the scale.

Yes, I change my mind about this all the time (hey, I'm bipolar!) but I'm allowed to. I can change my mind as many times as I want. And I am the one that lives with the consequences and who learns from my actions as far as what works and what doesn't.

I'm *starting* to feel little tingles when I think about running again (crazy, I know!) and so after my 3-3-3 running plan is up (3 miles, 3 days a week, for 3 months), I may set a running goal. Maybe a half-marathon or something. I don't care about my finish time (PR's are not on my mind), but it would be nice to work toward something other than my weight.

I have to say, the ODDEST thing about all of this is that I haven't had to buy new clothes. When I bought jeans to fit me last year (size 10), I never expected they'd fit me a year later. That's never happened. However, I'm wearing a pair right now. This is madness, I tell you! ;)

For the Cliff's Notes:

- My weight has stayed within a five pound range for over a year (mid-160's)
- I want to drop 20 pounds, but I'm not in a hurry
- If I do lose weight, it's going to be in a way that I am willing to do FOREVER. Something I've always preached!
- I'm looking forward to continuing with running and I'm hoping I'll set some future running goals once I'm done with my 3-3-3 running plan
- Being "thin" isn't as important to me anymore (maybe it's my age); I really want to be healthy and in shape

I'd like to update on this once in a while. Since I'm not going to be "dieting" or counting calories or anything, I don't know if I'll have anything to update. But if I notice anything changing (especially now that I'm running again), I'll post about it. I feel good about my decisions.

Right now. As for tomorrow, who knows?! hahaha

Here are a few photos of me throughout the last year. Some I hated and didn't post because I felt like I was "too fat". Some I thought were more flattering than others. But you know what? It is what it is. I am who I am. I'm at where I'm at.

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