What Hypomania Feels Like (to me)

I was going to take a "mental health day" from blogging today; my anxiety has been really bad ever since I started feeling the onset of a hypomanic episode, and today I just wanted to work on a project with all of my focus so I don't think about anything else. But that is classic hypomanic behavior...

"Hey I'm just gonna stay up until 4 AM so I can fine-tune this miter saw until the 90 degree angles are PERFECT because right now they are at least 0.003 inches off of square and how am I supposed to make anything at all if the cuts aren't precisely 90 degrees? I might as well just pitch the whole thing in the fire pit and forget about woodworking altogether because how am I ever going to be good at it with angles that are off by a titanic 0.003 inches? That's shoddy work and I don't want to be known for doing shoddy work and if I just work on this tonight I know I can square up the cuts by morning!"

(I hope you know that I am saying this with tongue-in-cheek... but that's basically how hypomanic/manic thoughts work.)

Which leads me to this post. I may have written about this before, but since this is what's going on with me right now, I thought it appropriate to write about how hypomania FEELS. For the 99% of the population who don't have bipolar disorder, here is a description of what it's like for me. (It varies from person to person. I'm just writing about MY experience.)

If you're not familiar with the term "hypomania", it's an episode of bipolar disorder that is a slightly milder form of mania. Hypomania does not involve psychosis or delusions or require hospitalization. (I wrote a lot about bipolar disorder on the post where I "came out" with my diagnosis--you can find that post here.)

I'm SO ANNOYED by absolutely everything right now (by "right now", I mean much of the time during an episode of hypomania). When I'm hypomanic, my senses go into overdrive and it makes me crazy (well, crazier than I already am). Every single noise is magnified and trying to concentrate on something is impossible with all the noises going on.

Right now, just trying to write this, I hear Eli in the kitchen getting ice water--the ice cubes clanging around--while Joey's nails click on the floor as he follows Eli around. I hear the hum of the refrigerator and one of the cats walking around the living room. I hear the fan from my ice machine. I hear Noah across the house talking to his friends online. And I even hear my own heart beating.

The worst part is that all of the noises are at the same sound level--I don't know how or why this happens, but each of those noises is 10 times louder than normal and I couldn't even tell you which is the loudest.

Noah has a cold and he's been blowing his nose a lot--it is all I can do not to rip my ears from my head and throw them in the garbage disposal just so I don't have to hear that noise anymore.

My sense of touch is also heightened, and not in a good way. My clothes irritate my skin, but even my bare skin is irritated by the air around it. (I know how weird that sounds.) 

I also can't focus on anything. I know that contradicts what I wrote about wanting to work on a single project; basically, I get super focused on one thing at a time and I put all of my energy and effort into it, but at the same time, I can't focus on anything other than that. And then I get really annoyed when something distracts me from what I'm TRYING TO concentrate on.

This morning, for example, Eli showed me his geometry homework and said he thought it was dumb--that it didn't have anything to do with geometry. He was given a worksheet of logic puzzles (you know the ones that you read clues and you have to fill in the grid to solve the puzzle?). Well, I LOVE those things. I have even bought books of them to work on back before playing games on my phone and stuff like that. Eli said it was extra credit so he didn't have to do it, but I told him I wanted to do it.

So I grabbed the paper and was excited to work on it (at first, I was going to show him how to do it, but he had no interest in learning). Within 15 seconds, I knew I wasn't going to be able to do it because of all the noises. The house wasn't any louder than usual, but because of the hypomania, all I could focus on was the noise around me.

Another symptom that I experience with hypomania is anxiety. I have generalized anxiety disorder and anxiety is always there, waiting below the surface, but when I'm hypomanic it decides that it's a great time to mess with me. So I feel really uneasy and anxious without knowing why.

There are some good things about hypomania (although they don't outweigh the bad, in my opinion): I have lots of energy; I get in the mood to clean everything ten times over; I feel a higher sense of self-esteem; and I get super talkative. As a quiet, shy person, sometimes I really wish I was more outgoing and talkative. Hypomania makes me feel like I need to tell someone all the ideas and thoughts I have.

A lot of times I'll be talking to Jerry for a while and he's just staring at me with an amused look on his face. I'll finally ask him why he's looking at me like that. And he laughs and tells me that I'm talking a mile a minute and where on earth are all these thoughts and ideas coming from?

I also get very excited about all sorts of new projects and plans. I make lists of all sorts of things--as fast as I can write them. I come up with lots of plans and ideas (and sometimes I actually do them). 

In that sense, hypomania can be kind of fun. If it didn't involve all the other stuff I mentioned, I'd really enjoy it, actually. But the anxiety and the hypersensitivity cancel it out.

I'm on medication to manage bipolar symptoms and the meds actually do work wonders. Having episodes of both hypomania and depression are pretty much inevitable, though. The medication makes the episodes milder and much less frequent, but they do happen. Sometimes an increase or decrease in the dosage of my medication helps, but usually I just ride it out. 

Another big benefit to the medication is that I recognize what is happening now and I can also control my reactions. The noises, for example--when I'm trying to concentrate but the noises are totally overwhelming, I don't overreact and take it out on other people. I just deal with it silently, knowing that it will go away eventually. Before medication, I most definitely did not stay calm. 

Before my diagnosis and medication, my hypomanic episodes would last for months; then they were followed by depression, which lasted just as long (if not longer).

Now, though, the episodes usually last less than a couple of weeks. I can't wait for my irritability to go away! It would be nice if I could keep my excessive motivation and energy, though ;)

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Wednesday Weigh-In : Week 19 (and hypomania)

Man, I'm exhausted. Today was a busy day!

This morning, I dropped Eli off at school and went straight to my mom's to help her with something. She bought a very large decal for her dining room wall (it's a quote or a bible verse--I forget what it says) and she wanted help applying it. Well, that was much harder than I thought it would be!

I had no problem mapping out where it would go and getting it centered, but because of the size of it, it was tough to peel the paper back slowly, making sure all the letters adhered to the wall without folding over on themselves. We started at around 7:15, and I had to leave for an appointment no later than 8:30--and we were only halfway done! So I'll have to go over there tomorrow to help finish it.

I left for my doctor's appointment for an annual physical. I have to get one every year for our health insurance. I keep looking for my test results online, but they aren't in my chart yet.

After that appointment, I went to the hospital to have x-rays done. My rheumatologist ordered x-rays of my cervical and lumbar spine. (I asked my primary care doctor if she could add in my thoracic spine, too, because that is the spot that's been painful for 20 years and I'm curious if anything has changed on those x-rays.)

I had kind of given up on my rheumatologist finding anything after she diagnosed fibromyalgia and I decided to cancel my next appointment (nothing we've done has helped the pain and all of the tests were negative). She had ordered the x-rays at our last appointment, though, so I figured it can't hurt to get them because my back has been bothering me SO badly.

For the past several months, it's been my right sacroiliac joint. I am at the point where I just can't take this anymore, but I don't know what else to do! I cannot, for the life of me, find a comfortable position to sit, lie down, stand, or walk. Sacroiliac joint pain can't usually be diagnosed with x-rays, so I don't have much hope for that. However, the x-ray could show a herniated disc or something that may mimic the same pain. (At least that's what I've read.) But my symptoms are textbook for sacroiliac joint pain on the right side.

Anyway, they took a lot of x-rays and I keep refreshing my online chart to see if the results are posted. Do any of you have experience with sacroiliac joint pain? Did you find a way to relieve it? I'm desperate!

Okay, enough complaining about that. It's just bogging down my mind today because it's hard to think of anything else when such a specific part of your body hurts.

I did really well with my eating this week, and thankfully, the scale showed it!

I was at 162.0, which is down 3.6 pounds from last week's 165.6. However, since I'd gained weight last week, I'm actually only down 1.2 pounds in the last two weeks. Still, I'm at a new low since I started losing weight in May--and getting closer to being back in the 150's! This brings my total to 35 pounds in 19 weeks. I'm happy with that :)

I didn't really do anything too different this week. I have the nagging suspicion that I am at the beginning of a hypomanic episode, so I've been trying to be aware and cautious of that. I haven't had a major hypomanic episode since 2017; my medication has really helped. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist soon, so I'll talk to him about what's going on. For now though, I am just trying to rein in my urges to start ALL the projects, make ALL the plans, spend ALL the money, stay up ALL night to clean ALL the house, etc.

The biggest problem with hypomania is the anxiety. My anxiety gets pretty bad when I'm hypomanic. Also, all of my senses are on overload, which is annoying (things sound louder, smell stronger, and my skin feels really sensitive to touch).

It's kind of weird, isn't it? I'm just glad that after being diagnosed with bipolar II and put on the correct medication, I recognize the symptoms of hypomania and that alone helps me to deal with it. I am able to think logically and reason with myself (most of the time).

Anyways! After my x-rays, I had to pick Eli up from school and go straight to his soccer game. It was really fun to watch today (a nail-biter) compared to yesterday's game (they played the second best team in the league yesterday and got mercied 11-0 before halftime). Today, the score was 2-1 at the end (we lost, but it was a good game).

Now, it's 8:00 PM and I need to eat some dinner--I'm starving! I think I'm going to make poached eggs on toast :)

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A Couple of Relatable Mental Illness Documentaries

So last night, I finished watching the documentary "Overcoming Depression: Mind Over Marathon" on Amazon Prime. It's a two-part series about 10 people (in England) who have various mental illnesses--anxiety, depression, PTSD, OCD--and they train together to run a marathon. 

They are guided by a therapist, running coaches (not the hardcore type of trainers you see on weight loss shows making them work out for eight hours a day--just "regular" coaches who help them train), and a nutritionist.

I really liked the first episode, which introduced them and their stories. One woman, in particular, really had a heartbreaking story and I just wanted to hug her. She had a very young son (I don't remember his age, but he was crawling). He got sick and died very very quickly. It didn't go into the details of how he died, but it was too late to save him before he even reached the hospital by ambulance.

The woman's husband was so distraught by the tragedy that he took his own life just four days later, leaving her with their remaining children. Even though all of the medical personnel agreed that there was nothing more she could have done for her son, she blamed herself and became very depressed.

She still had to take care of her other kids, so she was just doing everything on autopilot. While speaking to the therapist, she broke down and started crying, then apologized for it and said she "never" loses her composure like that. I felt so bad that she was carrying that burden around all the time. As a parent, I can absolutely understand that feeling of blaming yourself for something happening to your child--even if it's not your fault. (Not saying that I know her pain, because losing a child must be unimaginably horrific; but I can understand the feeling of blaming yourself.)

Anyway, this documentary wasn't a "I have depression, and now I'm going to do everything the trainer tells me and I'm going to feel so much better and run a marathon and life is great!" (Actually, that sounds like my bipolar self, hahaha). I liked that their journeys were real and relatable (as someone with mental illness). 

There was one man who ultimately decided not to train for the marathon because of his anxiety, but he did manage to get on a train to go cheer the others on (going on a train was a huge deal for him--his anxiety over it was terrible). 

It's SO hard to describe to someone what mental illness feels like. Anxiety is a horrible feeling to live with, especially when it's generalized anxiety and there is no "reason" for it. It's just there. Listening to the people on the documentary describe their feelings was so interesting because they put into words things that I feel and it helps me to know that there are other people who "get it".

One thing that I really loved about this documentary is that it wasn't totally focused on this one end goal of running a marathon. Yes, that was the plan, but the main focus was using running to help fight mental illness. When I exercise regularly, it definitely helps with my anxiety. When I am going through a depressive episode, however, the depression makes it extremely difficult to exercise. 

I won't spoil the ending about who completes the marathon and all that. I wouldn't say that the film was amazing and fantastic and go watch it right now, but it was refreshing--refreshing to have real people share about their mental illnesses on camera and working on a real-life goal.

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After watching "Overcoming Depression", Amazon Prime suggested a documentary to me called "Of Two Minds" and it's all about bipolar disorder. It it's a feature length doc where people with bipolar disorder describe their experiences and how bipolar affects their lives.

I really liked this doc! Again, I love that people put into words the way that I feel and have a hard time describing. 

It's a film that I think people with bipolar would enjoy, but more so, a film that people with bipolar would like their friends and/or family to watch so that they can understand the disorder, too.

Of Two Minds was also great because it showed the humor that many of us can find in mental illness. I know it sounds so weird, but I do find humor in the quirks I have, and my "craziness". I don't want people tip-toeing around it--call me crazy! It's okay. I am totally crazy sometimes. 

If I'm watching a movie with the family and someone does something "crazy" that sounds like something I'd do, I'll say, "ME!" and then Jerry and the kids laugh because they know it's true. I LOVE funny memes about mental illness--it actually makes me feel better to see them because I know that others have a lot of the "quirks" that I do! (Here is a post of 100 of my favorite memes about mental illness).

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Anyway, those are two documentaries I've watched over the last couple of days. I love documentaries, and seeing these ones that I could relate to so much was great!

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Mental Health Struggles

After several months of having a very stable mood, I've gotten really emotional lately--up and down much more frequently. Usually, a hypomanic state can last for months for me; the same with depression. Lately, however, my mood has been shifting so much--sometimes within a single day.

Sometimes I think I'm hypomanic, feeling fantastic, only to feel legitimately depressed just a day later. I was supposed to see my psychiatrist last month, but with the quarantine, he wasn't seeing patients. So, I have an appointment in a couple of weeks, and I can talk to him about it then.

Even with bipolar medications, it's typical for people with bipolar to have periods of hypomania and depression--just not as severe or as frequent. And that's been accurate for me ever since I was diagnosed and started the meds in 2017.

I haven't been feeling the major extremes of either emotion, but I'm definitely noticing the abnormal ups and downs. Not knowing what kind of mood I'm going to be in, and switching from laughing to crying within a single conversation, is pretty exhausting.

Also, I had my anxiety under control for a long time (still feeling it--it'll never go away completely-- but nothing like I used to). However, the last week or so it has gotten bad again. Today was the worst. My chest felt tight, and I had a horrible lump in my throat (that always happens when I have anxiety). I felt very restless but unproductive at the same time.

I even took some of my anxiety meds that I hate taking because they make me gain weight. (I'm instructed to take them as needed, not as part of a daily regime.) But the anxiety was so bad that I didn't care. (Why does it seem like all mood disorder medications cause weight gain?!)

I'm hoping it's just been a rough patch that will go away soon. Now that the quarantine is slowly being lifted, I have to once again change my daily routine, and I think that might be what is causing the issues with my mood.

On a positive note, I finished hanging the drywall in the garage yesterday! It was such a relief to finally get that done. The whole garage is now insulated and drywalled (including the ceiling). It doesn't look good right now, because I still have to tape and mud all the seams, but I'll take some pictures anyway.

It's amazing how much of a difference the insulation and drywall makes in the overall temperature in the garage. It doesn't feel hot and stuffy in there anymore. I am super excited to get the mudding done so that I can prime and then paint!

I'm planning to start taping and mudding tomorrow. It's super intimidating because there are a LOT of seams! I haven't mudded the seams of a ceiling before, so I hope I'm able to do a good job with it. I'm a pro at doing the seams where the wall meets the ceiling, because I did that around my entire house.

I'll end this post with a super cute photo I took of Joey, Chick, and Duck today. Joey's such a good dog! ;)

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Dealing With Bipolar Hypomania

I've been thinking lately that I may be hypomanic. I've been trying to be more aware of my mood shifts, and lately, I've really been experiencing some symptoms of hypomania.

Examples:

*Adopting two kittens. I can't say this is totally crazy, but I've always said we wouldn't get more cats until Phoebe and Estelle have passed away.

*Taking on multiple projects. Without taking the time to really plan things out carefully, I ordered the insulation and drywall and just went to town on the garage. I had no idea what a big project it would turn into! But because I love working on a project all day long until I can do as much as possible, it hasn't taken too long to get the insulation and drywall up. I finished the fourth wall yesterday, and now it's time for the ceiling (so help me God).

*I've also contacted a couple of contractors to get an estimate for building a large concrete porch. This is something I've wanted for YEARS now, and this is the perfect time to do it. Our porch is a death trap right now because it's so old and falling apart. I've looked into building a new one myself, but concrete is just one project I don't really want to try myself right now ;) 

*Another project I took on was sewing face masks. I love to sew, and it seemed so simple. It's really not hard to make them, but they take a long time for each one because it's meticulous adding the pipe cleaner and then sewing the hair ties in to hook it around your ears. Each one takes me roughly an hour to make, and today I completed about 40 more (in total, I've made about 125!). That's a LOT of time spent working on masks!

And to make matters worse, NOBODY has received the ones that I mailed on Monday. I am getting really worried. I don't want to mail out more just yet, because I'll be horrified it they got lost. All of that time wasted! (I did call the post office today, and they said that shipping has been very slow; that if there was a problem with the shipping cost, they would have been returned right way. So, if you're expecting a mask from me, it *should* arrive soon!)

Meanwhile, I made another batch... there are about 40 here. Once I find out if the others have reached their destinations, I'll give these ones away, too, for a small (optional) donation.

*I've been spending a little too much money lately, too (another symptom of hypomania). We have the extra money right now (since we canceled our San Francisco trip AND we had to cancel Eli's school trip to Washington D.C., we got some large refunds (I requested a refund from Delta instead of Delta credit, and they agreed--it took some finagling with the credit card company, but it was nice to get that refunded). 

Anyway, I bought the new Brooklinen sheets, a Cricut (which I still haven't opened), and a woodworking tool (it wasn't crazy expensive--about $80). I can't say that I regret the purchases, but I definitely want to reel it in because we need to save that extra money in case Jerry is laid off. They laid off about 60-70% of people in the plant, and he was one of the lucky ones to keep his job. (He's a fantastic employee, so I'm sure it wasn't just "luck".)

I have to say, though the Brooklinen sheets were 100% worth the money. Jerry even said that he's sleeping better since we got them!

*I also keep making plans and not following through (this isn't super new--I tend to do this a lot!--but lately it's been worse than usual). I have been making numerous attempts at weight loss, but I just can't seem to stick to it. I'm not even trying any crazy diets or anything--I can't even just stick to counting calories.

*My eating schedule has been all over the place. Usually, I go all day without eating because I keep myself so busy, and then I just eat way too much at night when I finally chill. When I'm hypomanic, I usually don't have an appetite. And I used to lose weight pretty easily while hypomanic--but apparently my mood stabilizers are stabilizing me just enough to keep that from happening.

*Running is another one. I have a schedule written out to get back to running, and I'll follow it for a couple of days and then quit. Over and over. If I'm going to run the half-marathon with Adam in October, I really need to build up a solid base again. So, I get ambitious and make training plans and then I don't follow through.

*My sleep has been an issue, too. I want to stay up all night long because I feel like I don't need any sleep! I made plans to try to get on a good sleeping schedule, but the weekend really messed that up (Jerry was off work, so we stayed up later). 

There are parts of hypomania that I enjoy--the excess energy, getting a LOT done (drywalling, sewing masks, working out all of the financial stuff for our canceled trips, etc.) The parts that aren't so fun are the insane irritability and quick mood shifts. 

I actually haven't an appointment with my psychiatrist next week, so I'll talk to him about it. The hypomania isn't TOO bad, so I don't know that we'll change up my meds. I really think that if I can make a daily schedule and stick to it, I'll do better. Routine is SO CRUCIAL when dealing with bipolar disorder. 

Maybe when my school-year routine changed, it triggered the hypomania. My life is all over the place right now! Mainly by drowning myself in projects. And I'm not complaining--I love having the time to work on projects that I'm interested in! Right now, I'm dying to finish my garage so that I can build a desk with Noah. 

Anyways, over the last couple of days, I've been thinking that maybe I am hypomanic. And after writing this out, I'm pretty sure the answer is yes! 

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A Blog Series of Favorite Posts #2: Mental Health/Illness

For the next week or so, I'm going to do a series of posts--I will share my favorite "oldies but goodies" from the past.

As you know, I LOVE writing lists. This is one I've been wanting to write for a long time, but it requires so much thought that I just have such a hard time deciding what to include on it! I have a lot of favorite posts over the years (as well as very cringey ones--maybe I'll do a list of those soon). I'd have to wear a paper bag over my head out of embarrassment ;)

As of the last few years, there have been lots of different categories on my blog: weight loss/gain/loss/gain; running; DIY/home improvement; mental health/illness; crafts; and just daily life in general. So, I think I'll separate these into categories to avoid having too many "favorite" posts in just one category.

I'll post just a few per day, so if you choose, you'll have time to read the posts. If I post them all at once, it would be way too overwhelming!

At the end, I will also include my most popular posts (which will likely be entirely different from my favorite posts) in case anyone is curious about those. First, though, my favorites...

Mental Health/Illness


Freeing Myself of the Anxiety of Social Media

I love love love this post. This is one of the most vulnerable posts I've ever written, spilling more about myself than ever before. And not giving a shit what others think of me! This post explains exactly how social media destroyed my life for a while and how I started taking back control. I still feel some of the feelings I wrote about here, but nothing like I used to. If you worry about what others think of you, definitely read this post!

7 Life Changes I've Made in Pursuit of Happiness

Once I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2017 and I started the correct medication for the first time in my life, I started a pursuit to my happiest life. I have so much to be grateful for! I tried to stop focusing on the negative and I pushed myself out of my comfort zone in order to pursue happiness. I'm a happier person today because of it. If you're struggling with depression, or just not feeling happy in general, I suggest reading this and trying out anything that jumps out at you.

A "Crazy" New Chapter in My Life

This is a doozy of a post, and I was terrified to write it. However, I got so many answers for the mental illness issues I was having, and I hoped that by writing it, I'd possibly help others who were going through something similar. I felt extremely vulnerable posting it (as I always do with mental illness) but I got SO much support that it remains one of my favorite posts to date.

Mental health/illness is a passion of mine, because it's something I've dealt with for my entire life. I am always open to talking/writing about it, so please feel free to ask me questions. I have other posts about it on my Mental Health page.

Tomorrows topic: Running! I hope you are enjoying reading these oldie but good posts.

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Thriving Despite Mental Illness: A guest post by my good friend Emily

I am so happy to finally share this story with you. First, a quick story of how I met Emily. Emily was/is a blog reader of mine, and one day a few years ago, I got an email from her asking if I'd like to get together for drinks or something because she was going to be in the general area. I had never spoken or heard a single word from her and knew nothing about her, but I said yes (perhaps I was hypomanic at the time!).

After I accepted her invitation, she emailed me a little about herself. Including the fact that she was bipolar.

I laugh at this now, because I remember thinking when I read that she was bipolar, "Oh no--should I cancel plans? What does this mean? How crazy is she really?" Because all I knew of bipolar was what they show in the movies and on TV.

However, I knew that would be a really crappy reason not to meet up, so I decided to go anyway. And I am so glad that I did! (It was only eight months later that I, myself, was diagnosed with bipolar.)

Emily was SO kind and funny and I couldn't believe how much we had in common. I knew that I wanted us to be friends. Here is a picture of the day we met:

At the time, Emily was the first person I'd ever known that had bipolar disorder. When I was diagnosed, she was the first person I told after Jerry. I was so shocked and unaccepting of the diagnosis at first, but as I came to terms with it, I felt better just talking to Emily and seeing that she was a "normal" person.

I had no idea at the time that I was meeting someone who was going to be a truly fantastic friend. Sometimes I go through periods where I just don't talk to people, because I'm going through episodes of depression or anxiety and I tend to close myself off from the world. But Emily is always my friend who checks in with me--I never have to ask. She's just there, anytime I need her.

Since we are two crazy peas in a crazier pod, I asked her to share her story here. As always, I like to bring awareness to mental illness to help get rid of the stigma surrounding it. (By the way, if anyone else has a story of mental illness--of any sort--that you'd like to share, please send me an email with a your suggestion for submitting a guest post.)

Anyway, here is Emily's "crazy" story, in her own words:

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The psychiatrists say I'm bipolar. I have bipolar 1 and ADHD, inattentive type. And PTSD, but that’s a whole other story. Man--that’s a lot of labels for who I am: a 31-year-old social worker who just celebrated my first wedding anniversary and is loving life as a newlywed in her southwest corner of Michigan.

Loving life is a pretty strong and also quite a general description. Life has its ups and downs, no doubt.

My story began when I was 18 and a freshman in college. My previously “normal” self had turned warp speed. I became hyper-obsessed with boys, and--well, just plain hyper in general. I had far too much energy for anyone my age.

Shit hit the fan, proverbially, when I became obsessed with the idea this outlandish idea that I had Down’s syndrome and that my parents had never told me. I thought that they hid it from me for my entire life, and I was just sorting it out. (This is called a delusion, and is a strong indicator of type 1 bipolar during a manic phase. Delusions are beliefs that are persistently held despite all evidence to the contrary.)

Freshman year of college was not an easy one. And it didn’t get much easier.

After that manic phase, I became severely depressed. It was so bad, I didn’t even read the seventh Harry Potter book right away when it was released; and for those who know how incredible Harry Potter is, that is shows just how bad of a state I was in.

I refused to shower. I refused to go out in public. I refused to do anything but stay in bed. I became a recluse. I almost didn’t go back to college, but in order to keep health insurance to cover my meds, I had to stay a full time student. So back to school I went.

The next three years at undergrad felt like a zombified blur. My meds were too strong. I had a flat affect and no emotion. Granted, I wasn’t manic or depressed. But I really didn’t feel much of anything at all!

And on top of that, the meds caused me to gain 60 pounds in just a few months. So much for the freshman fifteen--I gained the sophomore 60! No one wants that. I’ve battled my weight ever since. Meds, depression, mania, and anxiety are the perfect cocktail for weight fluctuations and struggles. (As you may have noticed from Katie's blog!)

I have always been one who loved school and learning, so when mental health issues became a part of my life and my school work suffered, that was a huge blow. I lost my presidential scholarship and school became so much harder. But I did persevere.

After I graduated, I went on to grad school for my masters in social work. I think a big part of that (besides having an undergrad degree that likely wouldn’t get me a job anywhere) was the idea of wanting to help people who have been through the ringer like myself.

So I worked my way through grad school. By that point my meds were a bit better and I had more “real-life” emotion. But the stigma of the diagnosis of bipolar never left me. I had had the label of bipolar for six years at that point. I had earned my Master of Social Work and I still had not accepted my diagnosis.

So after I graduated, I sought out a second opinion from a different psychiatrist. And I think because I was so stable, or perhaps because she didn’t know me, or for whatever reason--I was “undiagnosed” bipolar. Then I was slowly taken off my meds… and that’s where the story gets interesting.

That was fall of 2012. I thought I was doing well. I was over the moon that I no longer had this heavy burden of bipolar. No longer had to pay $100+ a month on medication and wasn’t tied to this awful stigmatized diagnosis. But yet again, shit hit the fan.

I got a social work job working for the State of Michigan, third shift, answering calls of abuse and neglect for everyone and anyone who might be calling the hotline to report it. It was an extremely emotionally tolling and stressful job, not to mention that it was the third shift. (It's important to note that regular sleep patterns are crucial for controlling bipolar.)

I stopped sleeping. Stopped eating. And eventually, mania set back in. I didn’t realize it, but my friends certainly did. It really hit me when my boyfriend at the time was taking me home and the pillars of a local building next to my apartment complex appeared to be Nazi soldiers. And I said to him, “Those pillars look like soldiers, but I know they aren’t… right?”

My friends and family were godsends. I had a couple of friends from college who came over one night and told me that if I did not go to a psych hospital, they were going to have me committed. Let me tell you--I was furious. I was beyond mad.

I was an adult! I was a social worker! I knew myself better than that! I eventually called my counselor back home and she talked me through the decision and I went to the hospital “just for the evaluation.” I was immediately admitted.

I stayed at the psych hospital for one week. What an experience. I was first put in the more “crazy” wing. I had a female roommate around my age and when I was introduced to her, the first thing she said to me was “I’m a sex addict.” I knew I was in for a treat. She was actually just as “normal” as I was. Everyone there was just dealing with their own shit in their own beautifully crazy way.

Because of my lack of eating from the stress and poor sleep schedule, they thought I had an eating disorder. But no way, Jose. The food there was incredible. So fattening and such homemade goodness! And they always had such good desserts and man alive. Maybe I was just starved and it only tasted good in my memories. But I can’t change my memories. It was good food.

It felt a little like camp. There were group sessions and there was gym and art and outside time when the weather was nice.

I remember being in group one time and thinking that I needed to be excused to go to the bathroom. This was a pivotal moment for me… It was one of the first times I realized that I was an adult now. I didn’t need permission to go to the bathroom. I could just up and leave. I remember that moment quite vividly. It was pretty freeing. I don’t know why that sticks out so vividly.

There were some interesting people there, too. One guy, only a handful of years older than me, was married and he and his wife had several kids. He had tattoos all over his body. Both he and his wife had mental health issues. He told me his wife also had bipolar and she was in the psych ward during her whole pregnancy. Each and every one. That made me nervous. It still does, to be quite honest. I don’t have any kids, but I would like to someday.

One guy was a pastor who needed respite. He was depressed from listening to everyone else’s problems and issues. That was interesting to me; also a bit sad in a way. Perhaps he might need some coaching on how to help people with their burdens if it is driving him to such severe depression to help other people.

Anyway, I was there for seven days. Re-diagnosed with bipolar. Put on a new cocktail of medicine and eventually released. I then had 7 days of outpatient therapy where I came to the facility every morning for more classes but then got to go home at around three in the afternoon. I love classes and learning, so I enjoyed that too.

I lost my job through this whole experience. I hadn’t been there long enough to be gone from work that long. They were going to fire me, but I quit so that I wouldn’t have that in my work history. I think I would have quit eventually anyway, but it was just such a stressful time.

About a week after being released from the hospital, however, my boyfriend of about two years--the love of my life at the time, whom I thought was going to be my husband some day--ended things. Just broke it off. With no real reason. He blamed God actually. Perfect timing, right? Ha. So that brought me from a delightful manic phase to an awful depressive phase… and the shit just kept hitting the fan.

So, needless to say, about a month later, I was back at the psych ward because I was extremely depressed and suicidal. This time, I knew I needed to be there and I drove myself in. The experience was relatively the same. I wasn’t put on the “crazy” wing at all that time. I was put on the less crazy, girls’ only wing. Perhaps they view depression as less difficult to manage than mania. I’m not really sure.

I was there another seven days of inpatient, and followed up with another week of outpatient as well. When I was released from those, the depression didn’t seem to lift. I returned to life in my studio apartment in a large downtown area of Michigan and basically stayed on my couch binge-watching Netflix. It was not good.

I had to force myself to leave my house on occasion. I began looking for jobs. I would get a job, and eventually be fired because my brain wasn’t working well enough to perform anywhere or at anything. I worked for a while as a receptionist at a tech company. Got fired from there. I worked part-time as a social worker for a company and lost that job too. It was not a good season of my life.

Eventually I moved back home with my parents. I just could not cope with life without people around me and supporting me. All my life I thought I was this extreme introvert, but during this time, I realized how much I needed people in my life to love, support, and encourage me. Moving back with my parents was super hard and a very humbling choice, but it was the best thing for me. I eventually started working at a bagel shop and started to regain footing on life again. Well, sorta...

Slowly, but surely, color came back into my world. I got hired as an actual social worker for a job that I still hold today, a job that I love. I met, started dating, and am now recently married to a wonderful man who puts up with my crazy.

Yes. I am still crazy.

But... I have begun to embrace the crazy. I thank Katie for that. I had always been ashamed of bipolar and the word crazy. But it’s a part of me and my story and what makes me me.

There are good things to bipolar. Don’t worry--when I’m in the depths of despair, I Google it to remind myself… haha.

I’m more creative, empathetic, tenacious. But there are some very dark times. John (my husband) can attest to that. I have what I call spirals. My negative self-talk is through the roof and the spirals that get instigated by the negative self-talk are pretty incredible. And not in a good way. I definitely still have mood swings.

Mostly I deal with depression and anxiety, a little less mania. And the focus issue has been hard lately. Work has become a struggle related to my inability to focus. There’s still proverbial shit that hits the fan. But I have good days too. Most days are good.

Life has its ups and downs. But without the ups and downs, life would be pretty bland. And crazy is the perfect spice of life, right?

You can read more about Emily's adventures (and she has a lot of interesting ones!) on her blog, EmilyAlma.com.

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100 Funny Memes About Mental Illness

Just the title of this post alone sounds like it may be offensive, so let me start by saying that this post is in NO way meant to offend anyone! Having been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, I need ways to cope sometimes (here is a list of things I do to relieve my anxiety). And one thing that almost ALWAYS makes me feel better is to look at memes--funny ones--about mental illness. These ones are mainly about bipolar disorder, depression, and anxiety.

I adore dark humor, so some of these will be fairly dark (I left the truly dark ones on my Pinterest board, though). But I hope that you all can take them for what they are--just harmless memes that are meant to get a laugh! I've been saving a huge collection of these on Pinterest ever since my bipolar diagnosis, and whenever I find myself feeling down for whatever reason, I can always get a pick-me-up from looking through them. I find them so relatable!

Remember, I'm sharing these with tongue in cheek and a smile on my face, so please do not take any of these personally if you find them offensive. I hope you find them as funny as I do!

(By the way, the owl in a lot of these is called "bipolar owl" and the cat is "anxiety cat"--just in case you decide to search for more.)

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Current Moods, Habits, and Just Life in General

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there!

I am alive and well. I know I've been posting so sporadically--and rarely--that it may seem like something is wrong. But it's just the opposite! I've been living life and feeling content lately. I think "content" is a key word. I haven't been hypomanic or depressed, and my anxiety is pretty low. It's so nice!

As I've written about lately, I've been really working on being peaceful and happy with who I am right at this moment and not who I "dream" of being. My weight is hovering at 160-165, and has been for a while now. I haven't been counting calories or even actively trying to eat "intuitively". I've just been trying not to think about it at all, and I like having some space cleared inside my head to think of other, more important, things.

My main form of exercise has been walking, which I'm actually really enjoying. Joey loves the extra walks, too ;) I'm not following a plan, but I would like to start following the walking plan that I wrote recently. Not for a very particular reason, but I do like to follow some sort of plan because I always feel best when I have a schedule (for nearly everything, really). I like to see what's happening each day beforehand.

Anyways, I (obviously) haven't been spending much time online at all, and I have enjoyed the break from social media, blogging, even surfing the web (is that phrase even used anymore?). Instead, I've been reading on my new Kindle Paperwhite, and I love it! I've missed getting into books. Also, all of the DIY projects.

I would like to start writing more regularly, and now that I'm nearly done with all the DIY projects in my house, I'll have more free time to do so. I just recently did my bedroom closet, although it was nothing exciting.

I did the usual removing texture from the ceiling, taping and mudding the seams, painting. Then I removed all of the wire shelves and built wood shelves, much like I did in the pantry. I made the shelves deeper and the height between shelves closer together so that I could fit an extra shelf, and it's given me so much more room!

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Today was a fantastic Mother's Day. I had no idea that the kids were going to give me gifts! They told Jerry that they wanted to get me something, and they picked out the gifts themselves. Eli got me a bird feeder. There is a very bold squirrel in the backyard that comes right up to my door for nuts every day. He's so cute! I named him Tuck, and the cats alert me when he shows up. I hand him almonds, walnuts, or peanuts on the back deck.

Anyway, there is a blue jay that has been stealing the nuts that I leave out for the squirrel. (Noah took this amazing picture of it recently.) But the blue jay takes the nuts immediately after I set them out, and I can see him watching me from the tree in the backyard, ready to swoop down. So, that is why Eli chose a bird feeder. We are going to hang it in the backyard and hope that the blue jay leaves the nuts alone.

Noah got me a new protective case for my computer. My old one was broken and has been for a long time. I just never got around to buying a new one, even though it had been on my Amazon Wish List ever since the other one broke. He also got me some Burt's Bees lip balm, because I go through it like crazy--I keep some in my car, my purse, my nightstand, the living room, all over.

And then Jerry even got me a gift--a case for my Kindle. He saw that when I take it places, I would put it in a Ziplock bag and then place that inside of a cloth zippered pouch (definitely not an ideal way to take my Kindle with me). I LOVE the case he picked out!

It's so crazy that today is the 14th Mother's Day that I've been a mom. My kids have gotten so big! They're bigger than I am now.

This picture was on Easter morning. It was so funny--the kids said they had been talking to each other for weeks, wondering whether or not they would get Easter baskets this year. They thought maybe they were too old or something, but they didn't want sound spoiled by asking me if they would get one. So they were very excited on Easter morning when they got their baskets ;)

Noah is in driver's training right now and will start training on the road next weekend. I cannot believe that my child is old enough to drive! And Eli is literally the sweetest kid I've ever known. He's an old soul and I can't even describe how big his heart is.

I'm a lucky mom :)

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Bipolar Decision Making (and My Plan to Get Back to Running)

Before I get into this post, I just have to tell you about the nightmare that happened a few days ago. One of my readers/friends notified me about a pin on Pinterest that was my before and after photo, and it was linked not to my blog, but to another website. I went onto Pinterest to find the post and report it.

I was nothing less than shocked at what I discovered. There is a person who created an EXACT duplicate of my blog. Then, they pinned EVERY SINGLE PHOTO that I've ever posted to my blog--there were well over 4,000 pictures that they pinned. And every single one of those 4,000+ pins led to their website.

I was so irritated! To file a complaint with Pinterest to have it removed, they want you to give them the url to each an every pin that you are complaining about. There was no way that I could do that with 4,000 pins, so I ended up emailing them and they said to give them the url for each board that contained my photos. This person's Pinterest account was made up of SOLELY photos from my blog. Nothing else!

Long story short, after a lot of emails and copying and pasting urls, I finally got Pinterest to remove everything and the website shut down. But it was the biggest waste of my time.

Anyway, I'm trying to take more measures against this happening. You may notice that if you try to right-click something on my blog, you won't be able to. Also, you will not be able to highlight the writing on my blog (that person had copied all of my blog posts). It's not much in the way of preventing this from happening again, but I'm hoping to make it a little more challenging.

Okay, on to the real post...

I haven't written much about mental health/illness lately, and this particular topic wasn't something I gave much thought to--until I learned that it's another trait of a person with bipolar disorder. I'm talking about decision making. (If you're new here, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2017--you can read about my coming to terms with it on this post: A Crazy New Chapter)

Sometimes, I have the hardest time making the most basic of decisions, and it's super frustrating for me. A lot of times, it will even bring me to tears. It's not just a hem-hawing process... I get so mad at myself for not being able to just MAKE A CHOICE. ANY CHOICE.

I'm not talking about big decisions such as which house to buy, or when the time is right to have children, or even as small as selecting a mattress. I'm talking about decisions like whether I want cream in my coffee or where to go out to eat, or whether to read, watch TV, or write before I go to bed. And it's not just a thoughtful, "Hmm, which do I want?" My brain literally cannot make a decision--it's like the part of my brain that is responsible for decision-making is paralyzed.

This happens around other people sometimes, too, which is embarrassing. When I was visiting Caitlin in Boston, for example, we went to Mike's Pastry shop (normally my favorite!!) and I simply couldn't decide what to get. It was agonizing, and not in a "fun" way. It was actually upsetting to me. Most people would just pick something, even if they were unsure.

I, however, cannot even verbalize a choice. I try so hard to just make a simple decision, but it becomes too much for me and I end up not making any choice at all. I'll ask someone to choose for me. Thankfully, Jerry understands this; when he can see me struggling, he'll say, "Let's do this!" and just choose.

Jerry took this photo of me staring into the pantry, trying to decide what to eat for a snack. Sounds silly, but I stood there for probably 20 minutes, and I was so frustrated that I couldn't just make a choice. Jerry took the photo because he thought it was "cute" that I was so indecisive. (This was in 2013, years before I was diagnosed with bipolar, so he thought my inability to make decisions was just a quirk.) Clearly, I did not find it "cute".

In Boston, I ended up not buying anything at Mike's. Then, after walking to the corner outside, Caitlin said I should just go get something because I would want it later. I finally just bought something (I don't even remember what, probably carrot cake) but you would have thought I was trying to decide whether to keep $10,000 or flip a coin for double or nothing.

That was just an example off the top of my head, but I run into this pretty frequently, about twice a week. My kids don't understand why I can't decide things, but thankfully, I can use it as a lesson to explain to them that it's one of the traits about bipolar that affects me. My kids have learned SO much about bipolar, depression, anxiety, and even suicide because I want them to be educated about mental illness and I talk about it openly with them.

Anyway, that is one problem when it comes to decision making as far as my bipolar is concerned. There is another one that is a problem as well, especially sharing my life on the internet as a blogger.

When I am hypomanic, or even in a mixed state (having symptoms of depression and hypomania at the same time), I tend to rush into decisions without thinking them through. In other words, I'm very impulsive. This has gotten me into trouble lots of times (hello, $14,000 of debt). Since starting my bipolar meds, though, it's gotten much better. (I was able to stick with a budget for the long term and pay off all of my debt!)

I bring all of this up because I've been so up in the air lately about several decisions. I try not to post about things unless I'm absolutely certain about it because I hate failing at goals or changing my mind about what/how to do things. It's embarrassing to renege on 80% of what I've committed to.

You may be thinking that I'm talking about my decision to stop drinking for all of 2019--but I'm not. I'm still 100% committed to that decision, and I'm doing well with it. One thing that I blog about a lot (or at least I used to) is running; ironically (or not), it's also one thing that I tend to renege on. Haha!

"I'm going to follow this running plan!"
Two weeks later: "I got bored with it, so I'll do this instead!"
A week later: "I just read this book about a running method, so I want to give it a try!"
Three days later: "I don't like the way that made me feel, so I think I'll do this one."
A month later: "I'm just going to run when I feel like it, so I don't feel pressured."
Two weeks later: "Well, I haven't gone for a single run, so I need to follow a schedule. I know! I will make the strictest schedule imaginable, announce it on my blog, and then plan to write all about my training."
A month later: "Still haven't written about it. Or even done it. Maybe I'll try something else."

And so on and so on. This particularly happens when I'm hypomanic, even if it's only mild hypomania. I get all gung-ho about something, and then it loses its luster shortly afterward.

So, I realize it's probably annoying to read about my constant mind-changing; but hopefully by explaining it here, it'll be more understandable. I've been trying to be more careful about making impulsive decisions and I've been able to focus more since I started my bipolar medication.

I can only say THANK GOD that I didn't start my whole home makeover project on a whim and then lose interest halfway through. Can you imagine?!

A lot of times, I have trouble deciding what plans/goals to post here, for fear of it being a rash decision. For example, I had been thinking about giving up alcohol for all of 2019 for months ahead of time. I told Jerry about it and I thought long and hard before I decided that I was going to do it. It was only then that I felt confident enough to post it here. I didn't even feel like just posting it on my blog was good enough, so I also shared it with my friends on Facebook!

When I wrote my goals for 2019, I included exercise--I want to get back to exercising regularly. I'd prefer that to be running, but even if I just walk, that's better than nothing. Three times a week for 30 minutes. Not much to ask!

However, I think that was too vague. I seem to always go to one extreme or another (train for a marathon or not run at all), and it's a hard thought process to break.

At this moment, my thoughts about this are:

I want to do something specific and that's a bit of a challenge.
I want to follow an actual schedule.
I want to push myself to get back into shape, but I also want to be happy and not feel so much pressure--so I need to find a balance.

Like I explained, having bipolar makes me impulsive sometimes, so tomorrow, I could be feeling the exact opposite as right now. However, as human beings, we are free to change our minds any time we like. While I hope to be able to stick to whatever plan I come up with, I recognize that I may need to change things up in order to fit into my life better.

Soooo, you can quote me on this, but that quote may change at a moment's notice. Just a forewarning, haha. Since my exercise plan was pretty vague for 2019, I'd like to make it more specific so that it's as black and white as the drinking/non-drinking. I want a measurable goal.

I'm very, very out of shape right now, because I've only run about 500 miles in the last TWO YEARS combined. Which brings me to a goal that I'd like to set--a goal that I've not tried before.

I know, I know... I said that I didn't want to follow a training plan or be very specific in my exercise goals. But, surprise, surprise, I changed my mind ;)

I want to make a goal to run 700 miles this year.

That's roughly 1.9 miles per day, if I was going to run every single day (I'm not). I feel like this is ambitious, but doable. I will feel very accomplished if I'm able to do it; and if I fall short, even if I "only" hit 300 miles run, it'll still be more than the last two years.

I'll make a tracker and somehow check off each mile that I run. I'd like to do a reward system, too--for each milestone I hit (10 miles, 25 miles, 50, 100, etc.) I will reward myself with something. (I haven't decided on those yet.)

I don't care about my running pace at ALL, so I'm not going to worry about it. I really, really just want to get back to running a few times a week to help with my anxiety (and for several other reasons, but the anxiety is a big one now that I can't use alcohol to make me feel less anxious).

I've chosen to follow my "Base Building for Beginners" running plan. I think this is a great plan not only for beginners, but for people who are getting back to running after a hiatus. It starts with just 30 minutes, three times per week. The plan is 16 weeks long, which will bring me into May. The longest run (in the final weeks) tops out at 60 minutes--definitely doable!

In following the plan, I feel like I will have guidance as to exactly what I'm supposed to do and when. Another key bipolar trait that I have is that I am my best self when I have a set schedule and routine. A change in my routine can throw me off quite a bit; and when I don't have a schedule, I tend to procrastinate. By having a plan telling me what to do and when, it takes any decision making off the table.

And since I have such a hard time with decisions sometimes, I think this will likely help my mood as well. It's a win-win!

My first run, per the schedule, will be on Tuesday morning. A simple 30-minute run at an easy pace. After writing all this out, I'm looking forward to doing it!

Are all of you that made New Year's Resolutions doing well so far? I wrote a Facebook post to discuss not drinking, and it's very interesting and motivating to read others' thoughts on it. Feel free to chime in there, if you'd like!

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