Wednesday Weigh-In: Week 113

Clearly, Jerry picked out this shirt for me--we saw it at Goodwill and he was super bummed it was a men's small, so he asked me if I'd wear it. Hahaha, sure--I'll humor him. I put very very thin elastic around the bottom of it so that it doesn't just hug my hips and butt. I like shirts to sit comfortably at hip level, so I actually do this to a lot of my shirts.

Just as I sat down to write this, a huge storm came out of nowhere (I'm sure it wasn't out of nowhere; I just never look at the weather app). I love to watch storms and I was watching the fruit trees in the front yard blowing hard from the wind. Then suddenly, the dead tree across the street just snapped in half and the top half fell to the road, shattering like a piece of glass. It was really cool to watch! Although, now we will have to clean it up when the storm stops (by "we" I mean Jerry, of course.)

I mentioned a few days ago that I've been going through a pretty bad depressive episode recently. I know I sound like a broken record, but I've been super overwhelmed for nearly a year now and my moods definitely affect the way I eat.

This past week, however, I've been working on maintaining a routine--I want to stay consistent in my eating habits regardless of my moods. I think this will really help me with maintenance (something I've never been able to do for very long). Usually, when my mood changes, so do my eating habits--and it's hard to maintain (or lose) weight.

I focused a lot on eating good, healthy food this week (lots of vegetables). My favorite was when Jerry made his Beans & Greens. I *love* it and it's such a comfort food for me. Jerry likes to make that when I'm having really bad days and it definitely makes me feel better!

I haven't been snacking at night, mainly because I've been keeping my hands busy with sewing. I used to sew *everything* by machine because why sew by hand when you can do it in a fraction of the time with a machine? I had to sew thick denim one day and it messed up my machine; so I sewed that part by hand. And now I love it! I still use my machine for most things, but there is something really relaxing about sitting in bed at night and hand sewing. Usually I listen to a podcast, too.

Anyway, as far as my weigh-in goes, I had another loss this week:

I was at 134.6 today--which is inside of my "happy range"! I like to be closer to 130, but the range I'm aiming to stay in for actual maintenance (if I ever figure it out!) is 125-135.

I've definitely felt the difference in my clothes, which is nice. I'm getting more and more physically comfortable, and I don't have to do a "jeans dance" to get into my jeans that are just out of the dryer. I'm sure you know the dance I'm talking about? Squatting several times and moving around, bending every which way to get the jeans to sit right? Maybe it's just me ;)

It's funny, though--a lot of the clothes that I altered for myself just a couple of months ago are feeling a little big--and I haven't even worn some of them yet! I'm going to try to put together a post of before and afters of the clothes I've been working on.

Since so many of you said you really liked the overalls I posted about last week, I worked up the nerve to wear them out. And not just OUT--I went to my brother's summer party with about 150 people! Go big or go home, right?

I felt kind of very self-conscious at first, but I can't even count the number of compliments people gave me on them! It boosted my self-esteem (which was much needed). And it gave me the opportunity to meet and converse with several new people (something that usually gives me horrible anxiety). I am really glad I ended up wearing them. And now I feel confident about working on more fun clothes :)

Anyway, I'm happy with how the week went as far as my habits and routine (and especially stepping out of my comfort zone at the party). I wish I could say that I no longer feel depressed, but we all know that's not something you can just flip a switch and feel back to normal. It's like telling a pitcher to throw strikes!

I've always loved this meme ;)  (And seriously, the meme rabbit hole is the BEST for pulling me out of a sad mood.)

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Opening a Can of Worms

Normally, I try to post a review of a new-to-me vegan recipe on Saturdays, but it's just not going to happen this weekend. The problem in my bedroom turned into a huge issue and now I am at the point where I'm just totally overwhelmed.

Thankfully, my older brother, Brian, was able to come over today and talk me through what was wrong, what my options are for fixing it, and basically just what I was looking at. Then he made me promise over and over that I wouldn't start anything new without asking him first, haha.

Basically, here's the problem:

The shower in the master bathroom is right between these doors (the left door goes to the closet, right door to the bathroom).

So when you walk in the bathroom, there is a stand-up shower on the left. I'd been planning to surprise Jerry by taking out the carpet in our bedroom and installing the luxury vinyl planking that we have in the rest of the house (I still had enough boxes for almost the whole bedroom; I only had to order a few extra). 

That should have been a fairly simple one-day project. Once I started taking the carpet out, however, the problems started arising. First, the floor had some high and low spots that I'm sure weren't there before. The floor was kind of "wavy" because of it. This could be a minor problem by using a leveling product that you pour in the low spots and it hardens quickly to make the floor level.

Considering this is a manufactured home, the flooring is MDF and not plywood. Not a huge problem unless something like this happens down the road. Brian said another option would be to remove all of the flooring and replace with plywood; he said he really doesn't think that's necessary, though.

He also mentioned that the MDF may be glued and stapled instead of screwed or nailed. Let me tell you, I swear this house was built with glue and staples, which are IMPOSSIBLE to get out cleanly. And it takes forever and causes carpal tunnel syndrome and makes your hands so numb you can't even do anything with them. He said if this is the case, he highly recommends *not* removing the MDF and just using the leveling stuff instead.

Okay, sounds good, right? A cheap and simple solution.

Then I got to the last part of where I was taking the carpet out, which was the floor between the two doors. When I got in the middle of them, I saw that there was clearly water damage behind the shower.

Since it went right to the wall, it was a safe assumption that the water was under the wall and into the bathroom (under the shower) as well. Brian said that part of the floor and the bottom of the wall for sure need to be replaced. Awesome--a day project just turned into a weekend project.

But wait! There's more.

To get to the floor under the shower, I have to move the shower. We've needed a new one for a long time, so we figured now is the time to get one. (I say "we" because I had to tell Jerry what was going on, so it's no longer a surprise.) The shower is one piece and won't fit through the door, so we have to cut it into pieces to remove it.

Side note: We used to have a garden tub in the back right corner of the bathroom. We never used it (it had jacuzzi jets and that grossed me out for some reason) so we ended up getting rid of it when we remodeled the bathroom. This is the only picture I could dig up at the moment; it's in the middle of the remodel. You can see the corner tub, though. (There were mirrors where the wallpaper is.) And we most definitely got rid of the carpet! Why they put carpet in the bathroom, I have no idea.

Since the water lines and drain are still there under the floor, I asked Brian about putting a bathtub/shower combo in that back right corner instead of replacing where it is now. And he said that's no big deal at all. So... that's what we're going to do. And thankfully, Brian is going to come over and "help" do the work (basically, I watch and learn). 

The best part is that we're going to turn the space from the current shower into a linen closet. Our bathroom is big with a lot of wasted space since we got rid of the garden tub, so I love the idea of having a closet. (Without a basement, attic, or any other storage space--other than the garage--the closet will be fantastic!)

Still, this is a HUGE project. Today, Brian told me I could cut the drywall out of that wall and cut out a section of the floor (where the water damage is). Being me, and definitely hypomanic (I think I'm in a rapid-cycling state of bipolar right now--super hypomanic and then depressed, very quickly.) I wanted to immediately tear out the shower, the bathroom floor, get a new shower, etc. But I promised I'd wait for his approval ;)

I finished cutting the drywall and I found the damage under the shower. It's bad! My tools could go right through the floor. So, it's not something we can put off; we need to move on this soon.

The hardest part now is keeping the cats out of there! I can't risk them going down under the house (right now it's a big hole). I grabbed some pieces of scrap from the garage and did what I could.

It's been a super long day and I'm exhausted. And it's not even close to done! I'm so glad that I have a brother who knows all about this stuff (he's been building for as long as I can remember). Patience is not my virtue, that's for sure, so it's good to have someone keep me in check!

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A Downer of a Post

I don't have a new picture for this post, so here is another from the webcam on Friday when I was writing my blog post. When I don't pay enough attention to Duck (like when I'm trying to type) he pushes his paws on my face until I pet him and look at him.

I've been feeling like a wreck for 10 days now. Just when I thought all was going to get back to normal and Duck was healing from his surgery, I woke up at 3:30 AM today when Duck sneezed in my face. He never sneezes, and I thought it was weird. Then he started sneezing several more times.

In between sneezes, he was making an odd sound--not a cough, really, but almost like clearing his throat. And he would partially open his mouth, like you do when you're waiting to sneeze. The noise sounded almost like something was irritating his nose or throat, making him sneeze. He seemed fine, otherwise, but I was getting pretty worried about the noises.

I called the vet (and of course, it's Sunday! They are closed.) I wasn't sure it warranted a trip to the emergency vet hospital in Toledo (if he was struggling to breathe, I would have gone in an instant), so I thought hard about what it could be.

The only thing that came to mind was that maybe it's a hairball. Remember how he wormed his way out of this recovery garment a couple of days ago and had totally groomed himself spotless? Since he hadn't groomed himself in a week, I'm sure there was a lot of fur that he swallowed.

I went to PetSmart to buy a product for hairballs (it's a gel that you squeeze a little onto their paw and then they lick it off (because apparently, chicken-flavored gel tastes good to cats). It kind of lubricates the hairball to get it moving.

I had another mini-breakdown today. All of this has been too much to deal with over the past 10 days. (And I know that there are people who have it MUCH worse than a sick cat; I just mean that relative to my own regular stressors, this has been at the top.)

I just feel so SAD. I hate to use the word 'depressed', because I don't know if this is an actual bipolar episode or not--maybe I'll feel completely better once Duck is better. But I am definitely feeling depressed right now. I've tried making myself go do other things to take my mind off of Duck for a little while, but I can't get him off my mind and I hate to leave his side. He needs help getting up and down because he's still having a problem with his incision and I want it to totally heal.

Today, I asked Eli to come sit with him for a little bit so that I could go start some laundry, clean out the litter boxes, start the dishwasher, and stuff like that. I even tried to go work on a project in the garage, but I just couldn't get excited about it. Usually my little workshop in the garage is my happy place!

I know that a huge part of the problem is that I don't get any sleep. I've had insomnia for as long as I can remember and nothing helps--and I've tried it all. I think I would just feel so much better if I could manage to get more than 3-4 hours of sleep (and my 3-4 hours is always interrupted at least a few times). When my rheumatologist said to me that the best thing I can do for fibromyalgia is to get a good eight-hours sleep at night, I literally laughed and then burst into tears in a matter of seconds, haha. If she only knew what I wouldn't give for a good night's sleep. 

I'm also really upset with myself about totally slacking on my recent weight loss. I was doing SO good for months and I felt like nothing could stop me--but right now, it's just so hard to even care. I feel like it's super trivial to think about when I would give anything for Duck to get better and be back to his normal self. He used to be super vocal, chatting with me all day long; other than in the car on the way home from the vet, he hasn't meowed at all.

Sorry this is such a downer of a post. I just need one really GOOD day where nothing seems to go wrong so I can recharge. Jerry has a week and a half off of work over Christmas, which should be something to look forward to, but after the past 10 days, the holidays just seem more stressful than anything else. It bothers me because Jerry LOVES Christmas and I have been the biggest downer ever so far this month.

I wish that "snapping out of it" was something that people could actually do! I need some Grinch pajamas--a onesie. That would totally fit my mood AND make me appear to be in the Christmas spirit, haha.

Anyway, I'm going cuddle with Duck and watch Wentworth (a show on Netflix I recently became addicted to). I *really* hope he's doing better tomorrow; if not, it's another trip to the vet.

EDIT: Almost immediately after I wrote this, Duck's breathing was really scaring me. I noticed that every time I petted him by his ribs, he would open his mouth a bit like he was waiting to sneeze. And then if I didn't stop petting, he actually did sneeze.

Then, of course, I do some googling and I'm convinced he's dying of edema of some sort. So, I once again packed him up in the car and we went to MedVet in Toledo (an emergency hospital for animal$). I was amazed at the care there. When they sent an intern out to get Duck from the car, she actually said I could go inside and stay with him if I'd like, but the appointment was going to be 4-5 hours long(!!).

I hesitated, wondering what to do (was this really an emergency?) and she said she'd be happy to check him out in the car and see if she thinks we should stay. I showed her the papers from the other vet and she examined him. She said she definitely does not feel like it's an emergency--his heart and lungs sound clear, everything looks good, he's eating and all that. So she said she felt 100% confident that we could wait and just call the other vet in the morning (if he's still having the problem).

I was so relieved to hear this. She was exactly the kind of reassuring person I needed to talk to tonight. (And funnily enough, she actually has two cats named after Friends characters too! She loved the Duck and Chick names.) AND, the best part? I wasn't even charged for the exam! I was dreading the bill from this visit (if I'd ended up staying) because the emergency room status makes the price much higher. 

Okay, so I'll at least feel better about this until morning. I was just terrified that if I didn't take him in, something horrible would happen during the night and I would really regret not going.

(I've been taking anxiety meds every single day this week and I'm still this much of a mess.)

EDIT Monday morning: Duck was NOT doing well this morning. Hiding, no interest in food or water, just not being even close to himself. I took him to the vet (again) and his temp was 105.9!! That is super high. Now he will be spending the next two nights in the hospital.

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Would You Rather...?

My mood is still in a weird funk and I really just want to bury my head in the sand for a little bit and pretend life is just at a standstill. I feel very overwhelmed for some reason; I have a lot to get done, but not much more than usual, so I'm not sure why I feel this way.

I'm starting to think that I'm experiencing a "mixed episode" of bipolar, which is something that never really made sense to me until now. A mixed episode means having multiple symptoms of mania/hypomania and depression at the same time.

I looked up the criteria for it to be classified as a mixed episode and this is a summary of symptoms from the DSM-V (source):

I feel like I'm more on the hypomanic side of things right now, but I definitely have several of the depressive episode symptoms as well. I may need to talk to my psychiatrist and increase my mood stabilizer (at my last appointment, we decreased it a bit).

Anyway, I'm not prepared to write anything worthwhile at the moment, so I thought it would be a good time for another "Would You Rather...?" post. I got the questions from this site. Here goes:

Q. Would you rather be a genius and know everything or be amazing at any activity you tried?

A. This is a great question! But I really didn't even have to think very long about it. I'd rather be a genius and know everything. One of the best parts of life is practicing hobbies and finding what you're good at. I was was amazing at everything I tried, I think life would be boring. 

Q. Would you rather dine alone or watch a movie by yourself?

A. I'm assuming that this question is referring to going out--eating alone in a restaurant or watching a movie at the theater by oneself. I'm actually really comfortable with either one! I've always been that way. In college, my roommate thought it was SO WEIRD that I would occasionally go out to eat by myself. I've gone to movies alone, too. I guess if I had to choose, I'd prefer to watch a movie by myself, since there isn't much talking involved anyway.

Q. Would you rather be the richest person in the world or be immortal?

A. Honestly, I think either of these would be a curse! Being filthy rich is never something I've dreamt of. I feel like from the moment people learned of your wealth, your relationship would change. I think it would be extremely difficult to trust people--I'd always be wondering if they actually liked me or if they were just interested in money. 

Being immortal would come with its own set of problems--you'd see everyone you love die eventually; goals in life would change because you wouldn't have a timeframe to of which to base them; and I feel like life would lose a lot of purpose if you had no ending. 

But, in true "would your rather...?" fashion, if I had to choose, I would rather be rich.  

Q. Would you rather wear pants 3 sizes too big or shoes 3 sizes too small?

A. There is no way that I would want to wear shoes that are three sizes too small! Can you imagine how much that would hurt? I like baggy clothes, so the pants wouldn't be too bad ;)

Q. Would you rather go into the past and meet your ancestors or go into the future and meet your great-great-grandchildren?

A. I think anyone that knows me knows that I would love to meet my ancestors. I would particularly like to meet my maternal grandpa and my paternal grandma. They both died when my parents were still teenagers. I don't know much about my dad's mom, but from what I've heard about my mom's dad, he would be super fun to get to know.

Q. Would you rather lose your ability to speak or the ability to hear?

A. I would rather lose my ability to hear. I get overwhelmed by noises a lot of the time. I'm not saying that I would be happy to lose my hearing; but out of all of my senses, I think that would be the one I would least mind losing.

Q. Would you rather experience the world beginning or ending?

A. I definitely think the beginning would be better. Not to get too dark during a light-hearted game of "Would You Rather...?", but it's sad to see how terrible people are to each other now in comparison with just a few years ago; if it continues to get worse, I don't want to experience that. Seeing the world beginning would be pretty cool!

Q. Would you rather have more money or more time?

A. I'm assuming this means on a daily basis as opposed to the question about immortality. I would definitely choose to have more time. I don't like feeling overwhelmed (as I do now) and I wish that I could do everything at a leisurely pace. Feeling rushed is stressful! (Of course, money can be stressful, too. If we were struggling financially, then I'd choose to have more money so we could live comfortably.

Q. Would you rather only be able to whisper or only be able to shout?

A. Haha! I can't imagine shouting everything. I like quiet. I would choose to only be able to whisper. It wouldn't be ideal, because then I'd be even quieter than I already am, but it would be better than shouting!

And to end with a silly one...

Q. Would you rather be without elbows or without knees?

A. Imagining either of this is hilarious. I think it would be much more of a struggle to be without elbows--you wouldn't be able to touch your upper body at all (let alone eat). Walking without knees would look silly, but it can definitely be done (that's pretty much how I walk when I'm super stiff in the mornings, hahaha).

Okay, I'm going to write out a "to do" list right now for tomorrow. Writing it out and then (hopefully) checking it off throughout the day will help me to feel less overwhelmed. Also, I love writing lists!

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What Hypomania Feels Like (to me)

I was going to take a "mental health day" from blogging today; my anxiety has been really bad ever since I started feeling the onset of a hypomanic episode, and today I just wanted to work on a project with all of my focus so I don't think about anything else. But that is classic hypomanic behavior...

"Hey I'm just gonna stay up until 4 AM so I can fine-tune this miter saw until the 90 degree angles are PERFECT because right now they are at least 0.003 inches off of square and how am I supposed to make anything at all if the cuts aren't precisely 90 degrees? I might as well just pitch the whole thing in the fire pit and forget about woodworking altogether because how am I ever going to be good at it with angles that are off by a titanic 0.003 inches? That's shoddy work and I don't want to be known for doing shoddy work and if I just work on this tonight I know I can square up the cuts by morning!"

(I hope you know that I am saying this with tongue-in-cheek... but that's basically how hypomanic/manic thoughts work.)

Which leads me to this post. I may have written about this before, but since this is what's going on with me right now, I thought it appropriate to write about how hypomania FEELS. For the 99% of the population who don't have bipolar disorder, here is a description of what it's like for me. (It varies from person to person. I'm just writing about MY experience.)

If you're not familiar with the term "hypomania", it's an episode of bipolar disorder that is a slightly milder form of mania. Hypomania does not involve psychosis or delusions or require hospitalization. (I wrote a lot about bipolar disorder on the post where I "came out" with my diagnosis--you can find that post here.)

I'm SO ANNOYED by absolutely everything right now (by "right now", I mean much of the time during an episode of hypomania). When I'm hypomanic, my senses go into overdrive and it makes me crazy (well, crazier than I already am). Every single noise is magnified and trying to concentrate on something is impossible with all the noises going on.

Right now, just trying to write this, I hear Eli in the kitchen getting ice water--the ice cubes clanging around--while Joey's nails click on the floor as he follows Eli around. I hear the hum of the refrigerator and one of the cats walking around the living room. I hear the fan from my ice machine. I hear Noah across the house talking to his friends online. And I even hear my own heart beating.

The worst part is that all of the noises are at the same sound level--I don't know how or why this happens, but each of those noises is 10 times louder than normal and I couldn't even tell you which is the loudest.

Noah has a cold and he's been blowing his nose a lot--it is all I can do not to rip my ears from my head and throw them in the garbage disposal just so I don't have to hear that noise anymore.

My sense of touch is also heightened, and not in a good way. My clothes irritate my skin, but even my bare skin is irritated by the air around it. (I know how weird that sounds.) 

I also can't focus on anything. I know that contradicts what I wrote about wanting to work on a single project; basically, I get super focused on one thing at a time and I put all of my energy and effort into it, but at the same time, I can't focus on anything other than that. And then I get really annoyed when something distracts me from what I'm TRYING TO concentrate on.

This morning, for example, Eli showed me his geometry homework and said he thought it was dumb--that it didn't have anything to do with geometry. He was given a worksheet of logic puzzles (you know the ones that you read clues and you have to fill in the grid to solve the puzzle?). Well, I LOVE those things. I have even bought books of them to work on back before playing games on my phone and stuff like that. Eli said it was extra credit so he didn't have to do it, but I told him I wanted to do it.

So I grabbed the paper and was excited to work on it (at first, I was going to show him how to do it, but he had no interest in learning). Within 15 seconds, I knew I wasn't going to be able to do it because of all the noises. The house wasn't any louder than usual, but because of the hypomania, all I could focus on was the noise around me.

Another symptom that I experience with hypomania is anxiety. I have generalized anxiety disorder and anxiety is always there, waiting below the surface, but when I'm hypomanic it decides that it's a great time to mess with me. So I feel really uneasy and anxious without knowing why.

There are some good things about hypomania (although they don't outweigh the bad, in my opinion): I have lots of energy; I get in the mood to clean everything ten times over; I feel a higher sense of self-esteem; and I get super talkative. As a quiet, shy person, sometimes I really wish I was more outgoing and talkative. Hypomania makes me feel like I need to tell someone all the ideas and thoughts I have.

A lot of times I'll be talking to Jerry for a while and he's just staring at me with an amused look on his face. I'll finally ask him why he's looking at me like that. And he laughs and tells me that I'm talking a mile a minute and where on earth are all these thoughts and ideas coming from?

I also get very excited about all sorts of new projects and plans. I make lists of all sorts of things--as fast as I can write them. I come up with lots of plans and ideas (and sometimes I actually do them). 

In that sense, hypomania can be kind of fun. If it didn't involve all the other stuff I mentioned, I'd really enjoy it, actually. But the anxiety and the hypersensitivity cancel it out.

I'm on medication to manage bipolar symptoms and the meds actually do work wonders. Having episodes of both hypomania and depression are pretty much inevitable, though. The medication makes the episodes milder and much less frequent, but they do happen. Sometimes an increase or decrease in the dosage of my medication helps, but usually I just ride it out. 

Another big benefit to the medication is that I recognize what is happening now and I can also control my reactions. The noises, for example--when I'm trying to concentrate but the noises are totally overwhelming, I don't overreact and take it out on other people. I just deal with it silently, knowing that it will go away eventually. Before medication, I most definitely did not stay calm. 

Before my diagnosis and medication, my hypomanic episodes would last for months; then they were followed by depression, which lasted just as long (if not longer).

Now, though, the episodes usually last less than a couple of weeks. I can't wait for my irritability to go away! It would be nice if I could keep my excessive motivation and energy, though ;)

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Wednesday Weigh-In : Week 19 (and hypomania)

Man, I'm exhausted. Today was a busy day!

This morning, I dropped Eli off at school and went straight to my mom's to help her with something. She bought a very large decal for her dining room wall (it's a quote or a bible verse--I forget what it says) and she wanted help applying it. Well, that was much harder than I thought it would be!

I had no problem mapping out where it would go and getting it centered, but because of the size of it, it was tough to peel the paper back slowly, making sure all the letters adhered to the wall without folding over on themselves. We started at around 7:15, and I had to leave for an appointment no later than 8:30--and we were only halfway done! So I'll have to go over there tomorrow to help finish it.

I left for my doctor's appointment for an annual physical. I have to get one every year for our health insurance. I keep looking for my test results online, but they aren't in my chart yet.

After that appointment, I went to the hospital to have x-rays done. My rheumatologist ordered x-rays of my cervical and lumbar spine. (I asked my primary care doctor if she could add in my thoracic spine, too, because that is the spot that's been painful for 20 years and I'm curious if anything has changed on those x-rays.)

I had kind of given up on my rheumatologist finding anything after she diagnosed fibromyalgia and I decided to cancel my next appointment (nothing we've done has helped the pain and all of the tests were negative). She had ordered the x-rays at our last appointment, though, so I figured it can't hurt to get them because my back has been bothering me SO badly.

For the past several months, it's been my right sacroiliac joint. I am at the point where I just can't take this anymore, but I don't know what else to do! I cannot, for the life of me, find a comfortable position to sit, lie down, stand, or walk. Sacroiliac joint pain can't usually be diagnosed with x-rays, so I don't have much hope for that. However, the x-ray could show a herniated disc or something that may mimic the same pain. (At least that's what I've read.) But my symptoms are textbook for sacroiliac joint pain on the right side.

Anyway, they took a lot of x-rays and I keep refreshing my online chart to see if the results are posted. Do any of you have experience with sacroiliac joint pain? Did you find a way to relieve it? I'm desperate!

Okay, enough complaining about that. It's just bogging down my mind today because it's hard to think of anything else when such a specific part of your body hurts.

I did really well with my eating this week, and thankfully, the scale showed it!

I was at 162.0, which is down 3.6 pounds from last week's 165.6. However, since I'd gained weight last week, I'm actually only down 1.2 pounds in the last two weeks. Still, I'm at a new low since I started losing weight in May--and getting closer to being back in the 150's! This brings my total to 35 pounds in 19 weeks. I'm happy with that :)

I didn't really do anything too different this week. I have the nagging suspicion that I am at the beginning of a hypomanic episode, so I've been trying to be aware and cautious of that. I haven't had a major hypomanic episode since 2017; my medication has really helped. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist soon, so I'll talk to him about what's going on. For now though, I am just trying to rein in my urges to start ALL the projects, make ALL the plans, spend ALL the money, stay up ALL night to clean ALL the house, etc.

The biggest problem with hypomania is the anxiety. My anxiety gets pretty bad when I'm hypomanic. Also, all of my senses are on overload, which is annoying (things sound louder, smell stronger, and my skin feels really sensitive to touch).

It's kind of weird, isn't it? I'm just glad that after being diagnosed with bipolar II and put on the correct medication, I recognize the symptoms of hypomania and that alone helps me to deal with it. I am able to think logically and reason with myself (most of the time).

Anyways! After my x-rays, I had to pick Eli up from school and go straight to his soccer game. It was really fun to watch today (a nail-biter) compared to yesterday's game (they played the second best team in the league yesterday and got mercied 11-0 before halftime). Today, the score was 2-1 at the end (we lost, but it was a good game).

Now, it's 8:00 PM and I need to eat some dinner--I'm starving! I think I'm going to make poached eggs on toast :)

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Trying Out a Light Therapy Lamp

I did another bike ride today instead of C25K and walking, because my toe is still painful, but it's feeling a LOT better than it did a few days ago! It was hard to make myself go out to ride my bike today, though, because it's so cold. Yesterday it was in the 50's and then today I saw snow flurries. I can't wait for the weather to warm up! I miss opening all the garage doors and working on projects out there.

I mentioned yesterday that I've been in a really good mood recently. I've been working on healthier habits--not just diet and exercise, but sleep, more positive thinking, drinking lots of water, less procrastinating, and things like that. I always thought positive affirmations were kind of hokey, but I even decided to give those a try.

I also decided to finally try out a "light therapy lamp". This is another thing that sounded kind of ridiculous to me, even though several people have commented on past posts that I should try it. Light therapy lamps are meant to simulate sunlight, which helps people with seasonal depression (or "winter blues") from lack of sunlight.

I've always loved overcast weather and you will never find me lying in the sun. I just don't enjoy being outside in the sun. Until a few years ago, I always thrived during the fall and winter as far as depression goes. In retrospect, I would usually get hypomanic in the fall and then depressed in the spring. Since starting my medication for bipolar, however, things have changed.

I've been feeling depressed in the winter months and somewhat-hypomanic in the summer. The hypomania is nothing like it used to be before my meds, thankfully, but the depression can get bad. I've been trying to look for patterns to figure out something to help, and I finally decided to give the light therapy a try. It can't hurt! (There are no UV rays on the one I bought.)

I wasn't sure which one to buy, so I just went with the #1 bestseller on Amazon, which was this one (Amazon affiliate link). [Update: The original link I had was broken. This link goes to the one that is closest to what I have. Surprisingly, it's super cheap compared to a lot of others!] This is what it looks like:

I got the light therapy lamp last week and was very skeptical, but like I said--no harm in trying. I sat down in the morning to read my book and I turned the therapy light on, placing it at about the 10:00 position from where I was sitting. It's VERY bright (it comes with three settings, and I used the brightest, of course--I'm kind of an all-or-nothing person, if you hadn't noticed, haha). At first, I thought, "This looks nothing like sunlight!" but I found that as I was reading my book, the light didn't feel so "fake".

And, most shocking to me, I actually felt really good. I got a burst of energy and I cleaned the heck out of my closet (bagging up all of the clothes that are too small). I prepped dinner so that it would be easy to cook later. I even put together the sourdough starter to make Amish Friendship Bread. I didn't attribute the energy to the light therapy at that point, though--I just assumed it was a coincidence.

Over the last several days, I've used it for about an hour each morning while I read... and I am 100% convinced that it has helped my mood. Jerry even asked me why I was so "chipper" today, hahaha. Being in a better mood in general helps with so many other things and it makes the healthy habits I've been working on feel that much easier.

I think it's too early to say for sure that my good mood is due to the therapy lamp, but I am pretty convinced. I'm definitely nowhere near as skeptical as I was before. I'm going to continue to use it and see how it goes. (Feel free to say "I told you so!" ;)  I really wish I'd tried it years ago.)

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Feeling Depressed (Possible PMDD?)

Little Duck has been sleeping next to me in the mornings occasionally... I think he knows how much I need that!

I don't know what my deal has been for the past few days, but I have just NOT been in a good mood at all. I felt extremely depressed for a couple of days, and today has been very hot and cold. Last month, when I talked to my psychiatrist about these swings, I thought out loud whether it might have something to do with my menstrual cycles. 

I've never had major PMS symptoms--when I was in high school and college, my friends and roommates would complain about PMS. But I never felt any different! Over the last several years, however, I've noticed some symptoms here and there. 

My psychiatrist told me to start keeping track of my moods and periods to see if there is a correlation, because to diagnose PMDD, my OB/GYN needs at least three months worth of info. Regardless, the treatment is usually an antidepressant (hello, old friend) and I would hate to start taking one and change up my med schedule. On the other hand, I've occasionally been going through terrible periods of depression for just a few days at a time. Even though it doesn't last long, it's REALLY bad when it happens.

Nothing drastic has happened with me recently, so there is no reason for me to feel as bad as I have been. My stupid American Eagle coat hasn't arrived yet, which is stressing me out (stupid, yes, but I'm irrationally upset). It was scheduled for delivery on Jan. 22nd, then updated to say it would arrive on the 23rd instead. That was the last update from USPS. It's been nine days without an update, so I'm assuming it was lost in the mail. You know how badly I wanted that coat!

Meanwhile, I found another coat on Poshmark that I really wanted (not for walking, but more for just going out and about in the winter. I bought mine (shown below) for super cheap at a garage sale, but it's a size medium. Here it is when I was at my goal weight (not exactly a good picture, but you get the idea):

Since I can't fit into it anymore, I looked it up on Poshmark. Found it, bought it. Then a day later, was told the order was canceled because the seller said it was damaged by paint. Ugh! I ordered another ($20 more expensive) from a different seller, but this is my last shot. I haven't heard back yet, but I am really hoping that it will work out.

Regardless, I've just lost any faith at all in Poshmark! Order #1: Arrived smelling like mildew. Order #2: Still "lost in the mail". Order #3: Seller never responded, eventually the order was refunded. Order #4: Received running jacket as described, worked out well. Order #5: Canceled, item was damaged. Order #6: Hoping that it will be shipped!

I'm most disappointed by the American Eagle coat! I wrote about it on my blog several times, so you know it means a lot to me. I just hope that it isn't truly "lost" in the mail. Where the heck does all of the lost mail wind up, anyway?! That would be a fun place to work.

So, I still have no winter coat--just the one that I've been using to get by.

Today, my mood still wasn't great. I took Joey out for his walk and we only got about a block away before he pulled on the leash and nearly made me fall on my butt (it's super snowy/icy right now). I turned right around, dropped him off at home, and then walked by myself. I felt guilty, so I only walked 2.25 miles with out him, planning to go again later.

I didn't head out again until after Jerry left for work--around 5:20 pm. Noah and Eli actually came with me! I wish I could say it was out of the goodness of their hearts, but it's because I'd given them a mandatory chore of walking Joey one mile a day--no matter what. It was more for their sake than Joey's. With COVID making everything so unstructured anymore, they haven't gotten any exercise with sports and they've gotten lazy (to put it nicely).

In order to receive their allowances, they have to walk Joey one mile a day (together, separately, it doesn't matter). I don't want them to think I'm prescribing walking as a punishment, so the chore is to "walk Joey" and not "go for a walk". 

Noah is too cool to really walk "with" me, but he tagged along with Eli and me while we walked Joey this evening. I had already walked 2.25 this morning, so I needed to walk 2.75 to hit my 5-mile goal. The boys actually agreed to come with me for the evening walk! I told them that when we hit half a mile, they could turn around and go home, but I had to keep going.

Eli, who actually seemed to be enjoying the walk with me! ;)

At around 1.7 miles, Noah turned to head home. Eli stopped at the party store ("convenience store" as most people call it, I think... "party store" is a midwest thing) and I kept going. A little while later, Eli caught up with Joey and me, so I was happy that he continued to walk with me. (Eli's super sweet like that--I'm sure he didn't want to, but he's a people-pleaser for sure).

It got dark fast. By the time I walked back onto my street, the street lamps were on. The roads were SUPER slippery from ice and packed snow, so my speed was ridiculously slow. When we change the clocks again due to Daylight Savings, I will definitely take advantage of staying out a little later and walking in the evenings. Right now, though, it's best that I stick to mornings.

I'm actually ready to add a little running into my routine, but I'll write about that sometime this week. I miss running--I never thought I'd say that!--and I feel ready. Even if it's a mile a week, it's better than nothing. :) 

This is kind of random, but if you have PMDD and don't mind sharing about it, what have you experienced? How have you treated it? I don't know if that's what's going on with me, but if it is, I'm curious about what happens next!

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A Mental Health Day

Yesterday was a much needed mental health day from the blog. It's usually when I'm having a hard time with depression/anxiety that I feel the most vulnerable and sensitive. Things that usually roll right off my back suddenly seem to steam roll me and make me feel like I just can't say or do anything right.

I'm not saying that I'm suddenly "better" and feeling great, but I really needed to take a break from writing yesterday. At least then I couldn't say something "wrong", hahaha. 

I'm so glad that I have my walk streak going, because now I just don't want to end the streak. I really REALLY didn't want to walk yesterday--I was just feeling so bad about myself--but I didn't want to ruin the streak, so I went out anyways. And I always feel better when I'm walking.

This was DEFINITELY me on my walk yesterday morning! Haha:

It's kind of interesting--I've actually started talking with a woman who lives halfway through my five-mile route. She has a black German Shepherd named Roomba (I think I mentioned Roomba before, when she ran after Joey and me and her "dad" had to come get her). Anyway, one day when I was walking Joey, Roomba came running up to us--although acting very skittish--and after a few minutes, felt comfortable enough to play with Joey. 

So, I let Joey off leash to play with Roomba, and Roomba's "mom" and I chatted. I introduced myself and she told me her name was Melissa. The whole way home, I kept thinking that I KNEW her but I just couldn't remember exactly how or what her last name was. I was pretty sure I knew her from high school, so when I got home, I looked through my old yearbooks. I didn't seen anyone who looked familiar with that name, so it still bugged me.

I saw her again a week or so later, and while the dogs were playing, I mentioned how familiar she looked. It turns out that we graduated not only from the same school, but in the same class! (My school was very small, so everyone pretty much knew everyone.) When she told me her maiden name, I immediately remembered her. I think she was a cheerleader and a part of the more "popular" clique than I was ;) 

I've seen her a couple more times, and it's been nice chatting with her. She and her husband rescued Roomba from a woman who was breeding German Shepherds and apparently, people weren't buying them once the whole COVID pandemic started, so she "had no use" for Roomba and wanted "to get rid of her". How sad is that?!

Roomba had spent her life thus far in a dog crate, being used for breeding. It's been amazing to see the change in her just since the first time I saw her a couple of months ago. She was extremely skittish and sudden movements made her jump and run away. Now, she goes crazy when she sees Joey and they chase after each other. I love it!

It was hilarious a couple of days ago when Joey and I walked by. Roomba ran over to us and they started playing. Being a German Shepherd, Roomba is MUCH faster than Joey (a lab/chow). They started running laps around Roomba's house. First, Joey was chasing Roomba... and then he just got farther and farther behind.

Eventually, Roomba came up behind him, totally lapping him, and they both looked so confused! Hahaha. I really need to get a picture of them playing. Seeing two black rescue dogs play and be SO happy is extremely heart-warming.

My token PSA: I only mention that they are black dogs because black dogs are the least likely to be adopted out! It's so sad. That's one of the reasons we chose Joey, as well as why we chose to adopt the kittens, Chick and Duck--both solid black as well. So, if you're looking for a pet... PLEASE choose one from a shelter or rescue organization; but also, consider adopting a black dog or cat. They need love, too :)

Anyway...

Today, I finally picked up the game I'd ordered from Target--Ticket to Ride (Amazon affiliate link). We don't have a Target nearby, otherwise I would have gone sooner. Thank you so much to those of you that recommended it! We LOVED playing it. Jerry and I played a game first to understand it, and then the kids played a game with us.

I don't know if it's just the lighting, or what, but Jerry's face is extra creepy in this picture!

I was a little overwhelmed when I was reading the directions, but once we got started, it was super simple. I love that you really have to work on strategy, though! It's not a simple game of chance. The kids liked the game and said they'd play it again (which is their best "teen" way of showing approval) but Jerry and I really loved it as a two-player game as well. It was much harder with four people! I came in dead-last ;)

I was cracking up at how we organized our train cars. Mine were the yellow ones and Jerry's were the black ones. Based on our personalities, one would think it'd be the opposite when you look at their organization!

I added to my wishlist a couple of other games that were recommended by readers as well. I've been on a big board game kick lately with this COVID lockdown.

Anyway, I'm feeling better today (thank you for the nice comments on Instagram!). Just a reminder for us all:

And as always... BE KIND!

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Wordless

 

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Crying on the Beach (Why the sudden sadness?!)

Today was just a bad day in general. The morning was, anyway.

When I woke up this morning, I (again) was shocked that I slept through the night. I never sleep all night! I'm so grateful for the deep sleep.

However, I just felt very sad this morning for no reason at all. I hesitate to call it a depressive episode because it's only been a day, but I had no reason to feel upset--I just was. I was crying to Jerry (God bless him for being so patient!) and I tried to explain how I was feeling.

I really wasn't in the mood to go for my five mile walk because I'm just not able to really get into my current audiobook (I'm about halfway through it). However, after a lot of procrastinating (in the form of just sitting on the couch with my head in my hands), I finally decided to go. Joey and I headed out on our usual route. I was still crying, so I tried to keep my head low and avoid looking at passing cars.

About half a mile in, Joey was flipping out because some unknown dogs were outside and he went nuts. I didn't have the patience for it today. Usually, I am understanding and I let him "act like a dog", but today I just didn't want to deal with it. So I turned and headed home to drop Joey off. I wanted a walk that was just for myself.

I dropped Joey off and put on a hoodie to cover my face (red and puffy from crying). I also left my earphones at home. I kept my head down as I started walking, listening to nothing but my thoughts. I just allowed myself to get lost in those thoughts while I walked. At one point, I got to a small path to access to a tiny little beach area. I decided to go there, and I sat on a rock. I stopped my Garmin and I literally sat there for almost an hour, staring at the lake and crying.

I sent a text message to a couple of friends because they "get it" when it comes to my mood. It was very helpful--I'm so glad I texted them! I sat at the beach for almost an hour before I finally got up and decided to finish my five mile walk. 

With my hoodie pulled over my face as far as it would go, I wanted avoid eye contact with the "regulars" I see on my walks. I just walked... staring down at my feet. I was also continuing to text one of my friends, who really helped me to feel better.

I don't know why I was so upset and I wish these episodes didn't happen. I'm going to talk to my psychiatrist about it at my appointment next month. These episodes aren't happening often enough to make an "emergency" appointment, but they are worth talking about when I see him.

I've been feeling so much pressure lately--and I'm sure it's MYSELF that is putting me under pressure--that I've not been a good wife, parent, sister, daughter, aunt, friend, blogger. There are so many roles I want to play perfectly and it's just not possible.

Hopefully that makes sense.

Anyway, by the time I finished my walk and my text chat, I was much better. 

I can't call this a depressive episode because it hasn't lasted long enough. It just feels bad. I want to feel normal again. I wrote down every single thing I needed from Lowe's, including the cuts I needed them to make in the plywood, and I planned to go buy the supplies today. However, even after getting my shoes on to head out the door, I talked myself out of it. 

Jerry is off this weekend, so I (again) plan to go to Lowe's and have Jerry help me with the plywood. Once I start working on the nightstands we need, I'll feel a lot better--I'm sure of it. It'll keep me busy all day long where I can't even think of anything else. I miss having a long-term project at home.

I only write all of this because it's the truth. I know a lot of you prefer that I write the TRUTH about how I'm feeling instead of just posting about the positives of my life. It's really hard to be vulnerable, but I've learned through the years that when I post something vulnerable, there are SO many people who feel the same way. And hearing from those people makes me feel better that I'm not alone.

I'm definitely feeling better than I did this morning, but I know that my depressive mood is just in hibernation. It always comes out when I least expect it. I'm really glad to have a couple of friends who truly understand how I feel. Jerry is always understanding and willing to listen, but sometimes I really need an outsider.

Anyway, Jeanie (my sister) asked me today if I could make a few scrub caps for her for work. She's working closely with COVID patients and she (and her coworkers) can use all the caps they can get. I plan to make a few, but if any of you are "seamstresses" (ahem--if you sew) and you're willing to make some for Jeanie and her coworkers, please let me know and I'll give you the address to send them. It's crazy to see what she has to wear for work! (Jeanie is on the right)

This is a photo of the cap she bought from a coworker:

I can make some, but she said that the therapists and nurses can REALLY use them instead of wearing the "hairnet" type coverings, so I can't make that many. She said that all of the RN's and therapists would be so grateful for them (she's an occupational therapist). So even if you're able to make just one, it'll get good use! Here is a good free pattern. (Just email me at Katie (at) runsforcookies (dot) com for the address to send them.)

COVID is getting worse in Michigan and it's looking like the schools are going to close again. I just want all this to be over with!

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A Couple of Relatable Mental Illness Documentaries

So last night, I finished watching the documentary "Overcoming Depression: Mind Over Marathon" on Amazon Prime. It's a two-part series about 10 people (in England) who have various mental illnesses--anxiety, depression, PTSD, OCD--and they train together to run a marathon. 

They are guided by a therapist, running coaches (not the hardcore type of trainers you see on weight loss shows making them work out for eight hours a day--just "regular" coaches who help them train), and a nutritionist.

I really liked the first episode, which introduced them and their stories. One woman, in particular, really had a heartbreaking story and I just wanted to hug her. She had a very young son (I don't remember his age, but he was crawling). He got sick and died very very quickly. It didn't go into the details of how he died, but it was too late to save him before he even reached the hospital by ambulance.

The woman's husband was so distraught by the tragedy that he took his own life just four days later, leaving her with their remaining children. Even though all of the medical personnel agreed that there was nothing more she could have done for her son, she blamed herself and became very depressed.

She still had to take care of her other kids, so she was just doing everything on autopilot. While speaking to the therapist, she broke down and started crying, then apologized for it and said she "never" loses her composure like that. I felt so bad that she was carrying that burden around all the time. As a parent, I can absolutely understand that feeling of blaming yourself for something happening to your child--even if it's not your fault. (Not saying that I know her pain, because losing a child must be unimaginably horrific; but I can understand the feeling of blaming yourself.)

Anyway, this documentary wasn't a "I have depression, and now I'm going to do everything the trainer tells me and I'm going to feel so much better and run a marathon and life is great!" (Actually, that sounds like my bipolar self, hahaha). I liked that their journeys were real and relatable (as someone with mental illness). 

There was one man who ultimately decided not to train for the marathon because of his anxiety, but he did manage to get on a train to go cheer the others on (going on a train was a huge deal for him--his anxiety over it was terrible). 

It's SO hard to describe to someone what mental illness feels like. Anxiety is a horrible feeling to live with, especially when it's generalized anxiety and there is no "reason" for it. It's just there. Listening to the people on the documentary describe their feelings was so interesting because they put into words things that I feel and it helps me to know that there are other people who "get it".

One thing that I really loved about this documentary is that it wasn't totally focused on this one end goal of running a marathon. Yes, that was the plan, but the main focus was using running to help fight mental illness. When I exercise regularly, it definitely helps with my anxiety. When I am going through a depressive episode, however, the depression makes it extremely difficult to exercise. 

I won't spoil the ending about who completes the marathon and all that. I wouldn't say that the film was amazing and fantastic and go watch it right now, but it was refreshing--refreshing to have real people share about their mental illnesses on camera and working on a real-life goal.

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After watching "Overcoming Depression", Amazon Prime suggested a documentary to me called "Of Two Minds" and it's all about bipolar disorder. It it's a feature length doc where people with bipolar disorder describe their experiences and how bipolar affects their lives.

I really liked this doc! Again, I love that people put into words the way that I feel and have a hard time describing. 

It's a film that I think people with bipolar would enjoy, but more so, a film that people with bipolar would like their friends and/or family to watch so that they can understand the disorder, too.

Of Two Minds was also great because it showed the humor that many of us can find in mental illness. I know it sounds so weird, but I do find humor in the quirks I have, and my "craziness". I don't want people tip-toeing around it--call me crazy! It's okay. I am totally crazy sometimes. 

If I'm watching a movie with the family and someone does something "crazy" that sounds like something I'd do, I'll say, "ME!" and then Jerry and the kids laugh because they know it's true. I LOVE funny memes about mental illness--it actually makes me feel better to see them because I know that others have a lot of the "quirks" that I do! (Here is a post of 100 of my favorite memes about mental illness).

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Anyway, those are two documentaries I've watched over the last couple of days. I love documentaries, and seeing these ones that I could relate to so much was great!

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Another Bad Day

I'm going to do another cop-out post--I'm sorry. I really don't know what is going on with me right now!

I worked on the garage a little today, but only for a couple of hours. I haven't had any energy lately do do much of anything, and it's frustrating. A month ago, I was so excited to go work on the garage from the moment I woke up in the morning; now, I just feel like everything is a chore (not just the garage--I mean everything).

I'm still going to try and do a little each day--I want the garage to be done so badly! I did take the time to cut and dye my hair today, finally. That's a whole story in itself, which I'll try to share tomorrow.

Anyway, I really just want to go to bed right now, so I'll (again) share a few pictures of the kittens. I really will try to write a real post tomorrow.

I love this picture of Duck. He was fascinated while looking at Joey in the kitchen. His fur is SO soft and silky:

For size comparison: Estelle on the right versus the kittens. I never realized how big Estelle is until we got the kittens!

Duck on the left and Chick on the right:

Duck loves to be as close to your head/face as possible:

And Chick loves to balance on the top of this toy. I have no idea why, but he does it ALL. THE. TIME.

If Chick didn't have long hair, I'd never be able to tell them apart! Look at their ears--even those are bent the same way in this pic!

I don't have favorites, but if I did... (it'd be Duck!)

I was hoping this was the start of a civil relationship, but soon afterward, Estelle hissed and ran off. (I was cleaning the bedding, which is why there are no sheets on the bed.)

Pure trouble, these two ;)

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