September 29, 2018

The Heaviest I've Been in 8 Years: A Reality Check on the Scale



This is probably going to be the most vulnerable post I've ever written.

My weight has obviously gone up and down through the last eight years of "maintenance". Since losing 125 pounds in 2009-2010, I've weighed everywhere from 121 pounds to 160 pounds. Each and every time I gain a significant amount of weight (10 pounds or so), I start to question whether it's the start of my gaining it all back.

When I lost the weight, I knew that the odds were against me; according to statistics, there was a 95% chance I would gain all of the weight back, plus more, within two years. And even though I've maintained a large weight loss for eight years now, I don't ever feel like I'm really "there" (in maintenance) yet.

And yet, every time I think I have finally figured it out and I feel confident enough to state it on my blog, I gain weight again. The times where I'm doing great and feeling great, it's easy to feel like it will last forever. Last year, for example, I was 99% sure that I'd finally gotten to the place I was looking for--I was healthy, I was eating in a sustainable way that made me feel good, and I was just doing what made me happy.

It almost seemed easy. I felt really good about my life in general, and it felt like I was going to maintain that feeling forever.

When the weight started creeping up, I was worried. I had a very hard time figuring out what to do about it. I wasn't binge eating; I was just overeating in general. Eating too frequently, off schedule, and too much.

My weight tends to jump up in spurts. I'll gain about 6-8 pounds within a week or so, and then maintain that for several weeks or even months sometimes; then I'll gain another 6-7 pounds. And that is what happened to me recently.

I remember being at around 144, and not too worried--I was "only" 11 pounds over my goal weight. Then one day, I was 152. Seeing the 150's again was very worrisome. I knew how long it would take to lose that weight (again) and I felt overwhelmed.

Recently, I stepped on the scale to see 158--dangerously close to my highest weight in 8 years. I felt like it just came out of nowhere. I still haven't been binge eating, and to see that number was a little mortifying.

Finally, yesterday, I got on the scale and saw the highest number I've seen in the 8 years since losing 125 pounds: 162.8. I am back in the 160's.

I wish I could say all sorts of inspiring things about how I'm going to lose this weight and how it's not going to stop me from trying; but honestly, I am very worried that the scale will continue to rise. I've tried counting calories again, something that has always worked in the past, but I just can't seem to stick with it very long (like a day or two).

In addition to my diet, I have NO willpower to run. I want to--I really, really want to--but I can't seem to get in that habit and make it a part of my life like I used to. Each time I run, it feels like it gets harder and harder (no doubt because of the weight gain). If it felt like it used to, where an easy run actually felt easy, I think I would be much more motivated to go out and do it. Feeling this out of shape has not just taken a toll on my body, but on my motivation as well.

I would like to come up with some sort of do-able plan to hopefully get back on track and lose this weight. It's scary to see 162. I feel like I'm too far gone and this is it. This is when I gain it all back. I try not to feel so negatively about it, but that's much harder than it sounds.

When I say that I want to make a plan, I don't mean a "challenge" (you know I love making challenges!). I need to focus on making simple changes that I can live with--just like I did in 2009. I can change more as I go along, but to start, I want to make small goals to at least get back in good habits.

My first priority is actually not my diet; it's running. I want to run regularly again so badly. I miss feeling like a runner, and pushing myself to do things I once thought were impossible. When I coach cross country, I want to be a good role model. Yes, I know how to coach--but I want to actually be a runner who coaches.

This photo is from one of my very favorite runs. I ran on Christmas day (hence the red and green) and it was a little snowy. I can still remember how crisp the air felt! I truly enjoyed it.


In 2010, when I decided to start running for fitness, I made a promise to myself: I was going to run three times per week for at least 30 minutes... no matter what. There are ZERO excuses to keep me from doing that much. I remember running early in the morning or late at night so that Jerry would be here with the kids; I asked my parents or my brother to watch them so I could run; my friend watched the kids so I could run, and then I watched hers so that she could run.

I did whatever it took. No excuses.

So, my first plan is to get back into running by going back to how it all started: running three times per week for 30+ minutes each time. No matter what.

As far as my diet goes, I want to try something new for a little while (maybe just a couple of weeks to see how it goes). Over the last nine years, I've learned that each time I gain a significant amount of weight back, I do something new to lose it.

In September 2012, I tried out Weight Watchers' new (at the time) program, starting at 156 pounds. I got down to my goal in December 2012.

I started calorie counting in August 2015 at 158 pounds. I got down to my goal weight of 133 in November 2015. I continued losing weight without really trying to, which I believe was from my heart rate training. I was 121 pounds in February 2016.

In 2017, I was diagnosed with bipolar and put on a mood stabilizing medication. I felt so much better, and I just focused on being happy. I naturally picked up a way of eating that felt good to me--a modified "intuitive eating" lifestyle. I made the decision to start fresh in February 2017, and my weight was just under 160. The changes in lifestyle kind of came naturally. I was back at my goal weight in June 2017.

I'm not proud of all of these ups and downs, but they are what they are. I've learned something from each one of them. I've recently tried going back to these things that worked in the past, and I just can't seem to stick with them. The one thing I've always said is that I will not make changes that I'm not willing to do for the rest of my life. And I'm going to stick with that.

I have always believed that reaching our healthiest weight can be achieved by simply eating less food. Small portions. Eating less frequently. I don't believe that our bodies need as much food as we are taught we should eat.

I've always done this via portion control--measuring or weighing out my food to ensure that I'm not overdoing it. When I was eating intuitively, I was eating the portions that just felt right; and I wasn't forcing myself to eat if I wasn't hungry.

I've gotten away from those habits for some reason. So, I'd like to just work on one small change right now. I want to eat only when I'm actually hungry. Lately, I've been eating when anxious, when stressed out, when celebrating something, and other reasons, whether I'm hungry or not. Focusing on just that small change will help me to feel more in control, and then later I can work on another habit.

Regardless, the running is my number one priority, and I am most determined to do that. I went for a run Wednesday morning just because I felt like it (my body is so sore and stiff from working on our house project, I actually thought a run would feel good!).

One thing I know for sure is that I want to do my best to get this weight off. I am not happy with how I look and I'm certainly not happy with how I feel. I feel sluggish, which is exactly how I felt at 253 pounds. And I can't stand the thought of becoming part of that statistic that says I will gain back all the weight.

It's embarrassing to see people in public because the gain is obvious. I haven't been posting pictures of me on my blog for the same reason. I cringe when I see photos of me. I even avoid looking in the mirror! My clothes don't fit, and now that this is jeans and sweatshirt weather, I'm super bummed that I can't wear what I have.

I know these are petty reasons to want to lose weight, but there are other more serious reasons, too. Running has always helped with my anxiety, and of course I want to be less anxious. Running has made me feel good about myself, whether I was 160 pounds or 121 pounds. Overeating causes me to feel tired all the time, which makes me unproductive; eating only when I'm hungry will make me more energetic.

Also, I've been having a lot of back, neck, and shoulder pain (just like last year when I was in physical therapy). I'm sure the extra weight isn't helping that. When I was running regularly and eating the correct portions, I don't remember feeling this much pain.

This whole post, in a nutshell:
  • I am at the highest weight I've been in 8 years
  • The extra weight is affecting my mood, health, and overall mindset
  • I'm terrified that my weight will continue to climb and I'll gain everything back
  • I want to run again--three times a week to start--and this is my top priority right now
  • I'm going to work on eating only when I'm physically hungry
  • I want to get my weight back down not just for vain reasons, but also for my health and overall wellness

This post is not meant to be a downer or a "poor me, I'm feeling sorry for myself". It's not meant to make excuses. I'm writing this post because it feels good to get it out in the open and not feel like I'm hiding something. I've always tried to be open and honest on my blog, even though I feel very vulnerable when I write personal things like this.

I hope that I'll have good things to report in the coming weeks. Seeing the 160's was a big reality check, and I finally feel like I'm ready to do this. I'm going to work on it the slow way (one small step at a time) and eventually, I hope to get back to my goal weight (once again).

Thanks for always being so kind to me. I don't express it enough, but I appreciate the encouraging words from your comments and emails more than you know.

XO


78 comments:

  1. You have got this Katie! I am in a similar place and starting back one step at a time

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  2. Good luck with the running or other exercise. Good luck feeling happier and in control. Good luck cutting out the snacking comfort/bored eating. These are all great things to do. The exercise and getting outside should help with your mood.

    There is only one thing I personally disagree with. The weight isn't really affecting your mood. Its you and your mind seeing the weight as 'evil' thats affecting you. What i mean is that losing the weight on its own will not make you happy. You can be unhappy at target weight too. Its all the other stuff you write about that makes you happy and being happy makes it easier to get to target weight. So your sounding great. One step at a time. Be Happy. I'm off to do some exercise then get the rest of my life under control!

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    1. I disagree here. Weight does affect your mood. The fear of gain after losing over 100 pounds is natural, imo. It does cause anxiety especially if you have anxiety disorder in the first place.

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    2. Yes it does but what I'm trying to say is try to fight the anxiety. I know thats much easier to say than do. As someone later said YOU are not your weight. You are much much more than that. We should not give up on weight but there may be more important things. Katie the DIY is amazing well done so far.

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  3. Hang in there. You can do this!

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  4. I don't have any helpful advice to offer, but I just wanted to say that I identify so much with this post. I am in a somewhat similar place myself. My "big" weight loss happened with Weight Watchers in 2010. I lost about 40 pounds and got down to my goal weight. I kept most of the weight off (never getting more than 7-8 pounds above goal) for five years--even getting down below goal within a couple months of giving birth to my twins. But in late 2015, I started gaining and I haven't stopped, despite numerous attempts. I'm now the heaviest I've ever been...even higher than the first time I walked into a Weight Watchers meeting. I don't have to tell you how crappy that feels--both physically and mentally. But the things that have worked for me in the past just don't seem to work anymore. Or, more accurately, I just can't seem to make them work. I'm so tired of feeling this way, but I feel just as tired and defeated when I think about going back on any kind of traditional diet. So, I've begun working with an intuitive eating dietitian. It's a big leap of faith, and one that I question EVERY single day. She suggested that I stop weighing myself, so I have. And that is terrifying. I'm almost positive, based on the way that my clothes fit, that I am still gaining right now. I'm just trying to trust in the process and see where it takes me because I feel like I just can't jump back on the diet train again. Anyway...all of this is just to say that I really appreciated this post. Your honesty and thoughtfulness made me feel a little less alone in this struggle. I hope that we both can make the changes we need to make in order to feel better!

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  5. I know how you feel with the gaining weight. I had that same kind of moment a few years ago, had gained back some weight and just felt so upset because I didn't want to have the tight clothes, be so out of shape again, etc. Especially having lost some weight, I knew the difference and it was a downer to know that I had to lose weight again because it sure goes off slower than it comes on. I did get back on track and ended up losing it - AGAIN. But like you say, it's a never ending journey.

    I do want to just mention one thing though, about when you say in your blog that you don't feel proud of yourself or don't want to see people or post pictures because you're embarrassed. Gaining weight does not make you a bad person. You should be proud of yourself for being a caring mother, aunt and wife, for doing the right thing in whatever situations come along in your life. Gaining 5 or 15 or 25 pounds is not shameful. It's unhealthy. That's not the same thing. So be proud of yourself. Your weight is not who you are.

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    1. Very nice Jessica. Many of us with weight issues have to be reminded that gaining weight is not shameful and doesn't make us bad people. Weight does not define us! Remember that Katie - you are SO MUCH more than the number on your scale! It is ok to want to be at a healthier weight and work towards that, but you have A LOT to be proud of already and should always celebrate that! (just don't celebrate with food ;)

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    2. Love this Jessica. It's just what I needed to hear too!

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  6. Please please please check out Dr Jason Fung on YouTube. You can also get his book The Obesity Code on Amazon. LIFECHANGING. My husband has reversed his diabetes, is off his meds and lost 30 lbs in 45 days. Food cravings are gone and that is the best part for me. Hugs to you. I know the struggle is real.

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    1. Yes! My husband is a MD, and suggests this book to all his patients who want/need to lose weight!!

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    2. Yes! My husband is a MD and recommends this book to his patients who need/want to lose weight. It's a great resource!!

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    3. Oh! I was just looking through the comments on my way to commenting about The Obesity Code. Honestly, I haven't put it in practice yet (I just finished it yesterday) but it makes so much sense. It was recommended to my sister's diabetic husband by his Dr. and the results have been amazing.

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  7. I started to write a comment about how I'm going through the same thing, but hearing my story isn't going to help you. So instead I will just say, you got this Katie. It won't be easy, but you know what to do. Your past shows you can be successful with this, and I know that you will! Don't be so hard on yourself, most women have done the exact same thing. It's not a failure, it's a struggle that is real!

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  8. I could've written your post as I'm in a similar place. We sounds similar because I've gone through similar patterns with me weight. I'm also a runner and haven't been running consistently lately. Time to get back to it. Thanks for your post, it reminded me I'm not alone in my struggles.

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  9. Katie you are an inspiration as always! Maintenance is a journey not a destination. Your concerns and worries are certainly valid as are your reasons for wanting to change. However you have not failed in any way getting to where you are now and you are never going to gain the weight back because of posts like this. You have proven despite the odds that you are in control. Kudos my friend for continuing to fight the good fight and know that there are many of us feeling the same.

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  10. Wow, I am sorry that you are going through this! I am right there with you. I lost over 100 pounds 2014-2015, and as of now I've gained all but 40 pounds back, and desperately trying to keep that off (it was 30 just about a month ago, so I made a little progress). I'm writing a lot on my blog lately if you'd like to read what my experience and feelings have been. I'd lost my weight counting calories and I think I need to get back to that, but I did give Whole30 a try recently, ended up doing a Half30, lol. (Not only to lose weight, but to see if other physical issues would be helped by eliminating certain foods.)

    Anyway, I totally relate and wish you the best. Above all else, perseverance in the most important element. We can't ever give up.

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  11. Katie, if running is really hard for you on some days, please consider walking. Walking fast is also an excellent form of exercise, doesn't cause you any pain or agony, is a great way to spend reflective time with yourself, and is easy on the body. Perhaps this could be one of the 'new' things you try. On days when you feel you just cannot run, WALK instead. You WILL be exercising, just a bit differently, and it's so good for you on so many levels. I know several people who were runners who 'had' to walk due to knee or back surgery, and they loved it. And lost weight!!

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    1. Also walking on your treadmill on an incline! I do orangetheory fitness and many times I will power walk w an incline. It gets my HR up just as much as running.

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  12. always love your posts. thank you for always being honest. so many feel the same way and don't know how to articulate it. I always feel like my progress is similar in ways to yours and I am inspired by your ability to share those ups and downs. praying for us both to find the determination again to put those shoes on, one at a time. :)

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  13. It is definitely a daily struggle! We've been in the game a long time, friend. Thank you for the honesty and continued motivation. I know you will find your again. Also, I agree with Rhonda. Check out Dr. Fung. His book, The Obesity Code, is fantastic. It is helping me a lot.

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  14. Please be gentle with yourself. This is not the time for self-flaggelation! You recently disclosed Jerry's depression, which combined with your mental health issues is enough to make anyone stress eat. Take it one day at a time and mark small victories. You've done it before, you can do it again!

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  15. Using your bipolar as a strength, try a new physical challenge. You’ve already accomplished your running goals. You ran a marathon, that’s for many, the pinnacle of running accomplishments. You have already said running feels like a struggle.
    Try something new...

    Try CrossFit, the workouts are varied and you will be able to feel pride and accomplishment each time you master a new skill or lift a new weight. Plus strength training is a superior way to lose weight and maintain the loss. Or swimming, or boxing classes, or some other kind of *new* challenge. Your brain craves some stimulation. You’ve mastered the mental challenge that is running, overcoming doubt, hitting distance and time goals, etc. Give your brain something new to be excited about.

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    1. I came here to say the same thing. If running doesn't feel right try something new for now. I might be biased but CrossFit is awesome. Everyday is a something different and a new challenge.

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  16. It sounds like you have a plan, but something to check out online another motherrunner. Love the running plans, FB group and also have done the eating program. Ellie is awesome and no calorie counting, just good food.

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  18. <3 I'm at the highest weight of my life (223). I currently weigh more than I did before delivering my baby. I've always found you very inspiring so in my brain I'm going to pretend you're my weight-loss buddy. That's not creepy at all.

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  19. Love ya Katie. We can get this weight back off together!!!
    Pam

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  20. Im right there with you but 40 lbs heavier than you... Ive gotten to where I feel like when I restart and get motivated and share it every one is saying in their head "yea right, here we go again". :(

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  21. Hi Katie, I haven’t commented in a while. But I’ve followed you for years and underwent a 70lb weight loss in 2014, steadily keeping it off for two years. I became a runner and ran a half marathon in early 2017. I had gained weight by then and thought half training would get it off but it didn’t. Fast forward to now and I’m 20lbs over my goal weight. Weight loss is hard and so is life. I can work out but I can’t seem to get my eating habits fully in order. Running is also very hard now to the point where I often spend the whole day with a sick stomach if I run for 2-3miles straight. But I haven’t given up. I write this to say you’re not alone. I understand your fears. The only thing I keep telling myself is that I’m not giving up and I’ll keep at new methods until I find the one that works for me. At the least I try to work out at least 3x a week and I accept any opportunity for fitness with friends. You can do this Katie! And no matter your weight, you are an amazing person. That aspect doesn’t make you who you are, it’s only a small part.

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  22. You sound like you could be me right now. I lost 40 lbs 5 years ago mainly with running and small diet changes. I have maintained for the most part but now weight creeping up again and have put on 10 lbs over last year. I ran my first half marathon this summer but can't seem to get motivated after that goal and some stresses at work have added to it. I think if I set another goal race it may help me get back on track. I really enjoy your blog and how you never give up. Thanks

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  23. Prayers for you. It is so easy to feel like we are losing control of our lives and the scales. You have been extra stressed with Jerry being diagnosed with depression. So many women understand your feelings right now. I think many of us struggle with it. About a month ago I decided to clean out my closet and get rid of all of my fat clothes once and for all because I don't want to ever go back there and every since I have been out of control with my eating and scales going up instead of down. I truly believe it is a mind thing and we have to get are minds ready to be committed and stick to it.

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  24. I just wanna say how much i admire you. Life is ups and downs but you know that so well. What I do know is that because of you I was able to lose weight and get fit only to find out month later that I got pregnant with quadruplets. You might remember I sent you a message a few years ago. I am thankful for you and I will never forget how much strenght you inspired me and how you have helped me. Only because you are a strong person and I know that if you set your mind to something you will get it done. Sometimes it does take a while to set your mind. You have taught us all so much on your blog and I wanna thank you. I believe in you and although the scale is just a number, you will find your happy place once again. Much love, Lori

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  25. You are beautiful. Then and now. And your story is real life. I'm in the same situation. I go up and down. This isn't the end of your story. I've never met anyone more inspiring or dedicated.

    Maybe sign up for some 5ks? The short distance is nice because it doesn't really take a lot of training. Plus the running high you get from the crowd is amazing. ��

    You got this!!

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  26. As always, love your honesty. You will nail this!

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  27. Thank you so much for keeping things real on this blog!! I’ve been in the same situation multiple times. We can’t give up! Acknowledging when things are out of hand and making a plan is a giant step in the right direction.

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  28. Katie - I know that you're able to run for 30 minutes but you've talked about how hard it is and doesn't always feel good, maybe that discourages you from going for a follow-up run?? Maybe you should allow yourself to do some walking during your running sessions? That's probably what you did when you started and you were so proud of every time that you could increase your running time!!

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  29. This post struck really close to home. I am currently struggling with keeping off the remaining 125 lbs of the 140 lbs I lost three years ago. I am a runner. I run 4 days a week and bike 2. I don't think I have changed my eating but the 15lbs I gained says otherwise. I am scared to death that every morning I will wake up and be the same as I was before I lost the weight. You've done it before you can do it again... I just wish I had the same confidence in myself.

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  30. I can't thank you enough for the post. You are not alone! I lost my willpower too long ago and I can't get it to come back and STAY! I read an article once that made so much sense to me and made me feel so much better, but it was heartbreaking all at the same time. It said that when we gain weight we grow brand new fat cells in our body, not just our regular fat cells getting bigger. When we lose the weight those fat cells shrink but they will always be there and they will always fight us to get back to our once heaviest weight. So we have a much harder battle than the average person who has never had a weight problem. It wasa mix of emotions when I learned that but it did take some of the guilt and pressure off of me.
    I think it's great that you are focusing on the 3 runs a week. I find when I exercise everything else just follows. Those endorphins curb my appetite and make me feel better, lighter and want to make better choices.

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  31. Katie you have always been such a role model. People think maintenance means getting to go and just staying there.
    But what you are going through is the true meaning to me...the ups the downs the constant daily fight we fight.
    We can do this. You got this

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  32. As always, thank you for being so honest with your struggles. I, too, am in the same boat, trying to re-lose 20+lbs that I have gained over the last few months. This post was so nice to read, knowing I'm not alone.

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  33. Hi Katie,
    I'm sorry you are going through this. I love reading your blog and hate to see you so down. Just a thought. Have you ever tried intermittent fasting? It worked wonders for my son. He's lost 30 lbs eating what he loves in 4 months. He's the happiest he's been in a long time. Let me know if you'd like to join a great FB group and I will add you.

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  34. Katie, I wanted to echo Rhonda's advice. I read Jason Fung's book. My husband and I now try to shorten our "eating window" and it really helps the body to work on consuming itself instead of just metabolizing the food that you are eating. We find that we lose our hunger as long as you keep up the fluids. The book is available at many libraries and online through Overdrive. Please let me know if you try it. He has lost almost 40 lbs and all of his aches and back pain has diminished. Thank you as always for sharing!!

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  35. You can do it. I love that you are so honest and open about your struggles. I also love reading about what your plans are to help you. I have no great words of wisdom or advice just please never give up! I too am in a place where I am not happy with my weight and it is a daily struggle. So I definitely can relate.

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  36. I have always love following you because you are so honest and real. You are so strong in what you do. I have no doubt that you will accomplish this too :) have you ever tried whole30? I've done it a couple times now..and one of the best things it has helped me with is way less joint pain! I've definitely been there. Can't wait to read about your success this time! ❤️

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  37. Be kind to yourself and take one day at a time. Learning to except and forgive one self daily is easier said than done. But that’s all that we are responsible for, and that’s just today and our choices.

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  38. Most vulnerable post you've written? Understandable. But potentially one of the most important posts you've ever written. I identified with so much of it. You are not alone.

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  39. I love the comment be kind to your self, you can do this. Have you ever tried run bet? It's an app similar to step bet. The run bet has various runs just to get you running again. Plus, if you are like me...im too cheap to lose the initial money. Good luck!

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  40. I am in the exact same boat as you. I lost 73 lbs, got down to 127. I think I'm about 158 now. I can't bear to get on the scale because it's too depressing. I've also lost my running mojo because it's so much harder now. I was so much faster. I read a book, Intuitive Eating or something like that, and the thing that struck me about it was not the plan presented, but the overview of the GUILT and SHAME that come with dieting and losing weight. If you've got it, maybe that part needs a re-read? I've decided that I need to just BE. And not kill myself with keto, Whole 30, clean eating, etc. Do the best I can when I can, make decent choices, but enjoy myself, too. This life is so very short. I have Hashimoto's, so truly, I can do the most perfect diet, but it's not always going to work. Please let go of the guilt. I know the fear of gaining it all back is always in the back of your mind, but you won't. You are human. Be kind to yourself. You are amazing.

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  41. You must be kind to yourself. You must love yourself no matter your weight. If I read right your highest weight was over 250. You weigh in the 160s. That is a significant weight loss still. Don’t lose sight of that. Yes, loose more if you want-yes, do it in a sustainable way, but talk to yourself like you would a reader. Start from where you are now, not where you were at 121. Look for a balance between the weight you want to be and the lifestyle you want to have. Is your goal weight realistic for the life you want? Will you be happy living like you must live for 121? Only you can answer that, but aim for self acceptance and self love first. We will always have to manage the weight. Always. There is no finish line. It is just easier if we do it living a life we love. Easy for me to say-I haven’t even lost all of mine yet. Just what I am learning.

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  42. Hey, Katie! I know you mentioned that you were stress eating and such, but have you checked to see if your medications have weight gain as a side effect or had recent blood work done to make sure that you don't have a thyroid issue? I dismissed a lot of the same symptoms you mentioned in the past and it ended up being my thyroid. Whatever the reason for the gain, please be kind to yourself. Take one day, hell, even one minute at a time! Hang in there and know that we are all here for you. ❤️

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  43. Thank you for this post. I'm over 50 lbs overweight now and the heaviest I've ever been. The things I've tried in the past no longer work. Being in peri-menopause and many other life-changer factors have made my body change as well as a whole heck of a lot of emotional eating. I'm exploring change from that aspect now. Gravitating to intuitive eating, meditation, EFT techniques, etc. No weight loss yet, but a lot of self-awareness! <3

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  44. Katie, thank you for sharing. I know what you're feeling and it's awful I'm back in the same boat as well right now it sucks your going through this again but just know you're not alone:)

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  45. Good luck with working on your habits! Have you considered the possibility that the medication you are on may be contributing? Weight change (either gain or loss) is a common side effect of many medications for mood/anxiety/depression. https://www.dovepress.com/medications-that-cause-weight-gain-and-alternatives-in-canada-a-narrat-peer-reviewed-fulltext-article-DMSO
    If you find that adjusting your habits doesn’t help the way you want it to you may want to discuss with your doctor.

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  46. I hope you find the peace you desire. I love your blog and writings so much and to think of you crushed and feeling dejected makes me feel so bummed! I think you're pretty damn amazing from everything I've read here. I have no real advice for the weight loss side as I've gone up and down there so much too but if you're feeling a lack of momentum and motivation for running, maybe pick up a new podcast? I've been so jazzed to listen to running podcasts (not usually while I run, but more when I drive, clean, etc.) and those, along with reading your previous race reports (I'm a latecomer to your blog) has gotten me more pumped about running than I've felt in 10 years. Podcasts I love: Another Mother Runner, RunBuzz, Run Selfie Repeat, and Not Your Average Runner (I'm not her target audience age and/or size and neither are you but I LOVE LOVE LOVE the way she addresses how our mind can f*ck us up when running and how to combat that). Best of luck!

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  47. Hey! I’m here with you. I lost a bit on weight watchers in 2009. Kept it off until a year or two ago. I know the dread of watching a scale climb. I am not a fan of the many changes at WW but the one piece that is important is community. I’m sending encouragement and positive reinforcement for your vulnerability. I’m with you!

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  48. Right there with you Katie!! I’ve followed your post for years but haven’t commented recently. My weight had been creeping up too . I lost 90 pounds between 2007-2010 and have kept most of it off. I am up about 15 pounds and terrified. I’d love to here from you about where you find the courage to get on the scale regularly- this is a huge struggle for me. When I list a lot I weighed myself once a month but I don’t think that will work anymore. Do you still weigh in on Wednesday?
    Thanks for your heartfelt vulnerability. In my experience, accountability is a good first step! Thank you

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  49. What is happening right now??? I too am right THERE WITH YOU!!! My mind is a mess....I feel like I am going into a mini-depression....I am 160 as of this morning. I know what I am doing wrong and right but, currently I feel like my mind is in a totally different state and I can't shake it.

    I am off to work so I really only skimmed this post today but I am looking forward to tonight where I can read it thoroughly and the comments too...hopefully we can figure something out together!!

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  50. You're never alone in this journey Katie! Honestly, after losing more than 50 pounds in 2009/2010, my biggest fear in life was gaining it all back. I was OBSESSED and not in a healthy way. Now I'm nearly 10 years older and gained that 50 pounds back (maybe more, who knows) and I'm happier than I ever have been. I'm not saying it was easy just accepting my body at this size. I've cried more times than I can remember but when I look back at my old life, I just wasn't happy. Counting calories all the time, cancelling social events to workout, worrying about what number that scale would say, it takes a toll on you mentally thats for sure. I don't want to make this sound like this works for everybody of course, I know everyone has their own battles! But throwing out my scale was the most freeing feeling in the world! I bought clothes that fit me and I still workout but I don't force myself to do stuff I hate anymore. I've found workouts I love! I used to run because I felt like I had to to lose weight. Now I do spin classes, body pump and walk outside with my dog. I love to walk! It just clears my mind and being in the fresh air is an amazing feeling. Sending positive thoughts your way Katie! You got this, no matter where your path takes you!! <3

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  51. Good luck Katie! I think we can all relate to this wonderful post. You know what to do, you just need to "gotta wanna"! Honestly, the best thing I did for myself was to give up running, as it made me gain weight. I concentrated on my nutrition first and the weight magically came off. I am no flour/no sugar, 3 meals/day and I weigh everything I eat & stick to my quantities. It's a life style change and I look at sugar as an addict looks to a drug/drink/smoke. An alcoholic will not have a drink just because it's NY Eve, and I did not have cake just because it was my birthday. And I LIVED! I am finally FREE of my sugar addiction and I am finally Happy, Thin & Free. I am just now going back to working out and running. But I'm doing it to tone up all my hanging skin (I've lost 109 lbs). I feel better as a runner to conquer the sugar addiction first and now I can concentrate on maintaining this lifestyle.....which is harder than losing the weight! You have inspired so many of us and I don't know where I would be without your posts. Thank you for your honesty and your vulnerability. You are truly an amazing inspiration and I know you got this and you will succeed. It is a journey for a lifetime, not a race. You will thrive!

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  52. Sending virtual hugs, and a reminder of how strong you are! You got this, Katie!!

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  53. You are such an inspiration to me and I just wanted to say, there was nothing petty about any of the reasons you list AT ALL. You are a strong and resilient woman. I am sending good thoughts and prayers to you!

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  54. Hi Katie,

    Thanks for sharing so honestly. You may feel very vulnerable but I don't think any of us think less of you.

    I don't have advice for weight loss but a question about the running -- have you considered heart rate monitor training again? You said it worked well for you in the past but I get the sense that maybe you think you would be too slow if you listened to your heart rate now? But maybe slow is exactly what you need to not be intimidated by getting back into running?

    I've been there so many times with running! The thing that worked best for me was to make it ridiculously easy for myself. I'd tell myself that all I had to do was ten minutes. If I got out there and hated it, I would stop after ten minutes. That almost never happened. By ten minutes in, I would be warmed up and starting to feel better.

    Maybe treat yourself as a brand new runner that you are coaching/encouraging? You would be so kind and patient and encouraging with her. You can do that for you!

    Hugs and heart strength to you. You are not your weight. You have so much to be proud of.

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  55. I plan to come back here tomorrow and read through every comment, because I am in a very similar boat. I saw 160 on the scale last week. The big difference is that I never got to my 130 goal weight. I got as low as 143 and then stagnated. And I was OK with that, kind of. But then I got fed up, and my weight started creeping. And here I am back at 160. My start weight was 190, so I'm still 30 pounds down, but I was so close to 50 pounds down. I was almost 10 away from goal. And now I'm 30 away. It's heartbreaking. But at least we caught it and we're doing something about it now. I won't see 190 again. And you won't either. We won't be part of the statistic. We won't gain it back. I believe in us. Both of us.

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  56. Thank you for being so honest! I am in a similar situation. About 2 years ago I was running regularly and weighing in the low 150's. Now, I have stopped running and I just weighed in at 170.2. I have 1 pair of jeans that fit and I am uncomfortable all.the.time! I hate the way I look and every time I see a picture of myself I say I am going to lose the weight. Something has to change and I think I need to start running again! I stopped because I was burned out, and because I really started enjoying strength training. I hope by starting again my love for running will return and some of this weight will come off! Good luck, and thanks again for always being so honest!

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  57. hi Katie - just adding my encouragement to everyone else's. be good to you

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  58. Oh my I completely understand! I haven't hit my goal, but I've also had those spurts where I am headed in the right direction and then bam I'm not. Its so hard. I've also slacked on my running, it started because of an injury, which lead to weight gain, which has lead to less running.
    I am getting back to my superfoods nutrition plan, it helped me lose 30+ plans, and I know it works - so I am refocusing and getting my ish back together!
    You've got this girlfriend! I can't wait to keep following your journey.

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  59. I have been saving this post in my reader for a few days cause I knew i needed a chance to sit down and really read it! I am feeling the same. I got to a high weight with my pregnancy and then my daughter was born last November, I was on a roll loosing weight, but stress eating has gotten the better of me and I am 20 pounds heavier than when I was pregnant now. I needed to hear this too, I need to make goals for myself and work on me! Thanks, as always, for being vulnerable! It is super helpful for people like me to see :) I am rooting for you!

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  60. Calories in + exercise = best recipe

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  61. I hadn't checked in on you in awhile and when I saw this it was a reminder of why I started following your journey in the first place. NOT committing to something you KNOW you are not going to do for the rest of your life. But alas life gets in the way. Yes you have ups and downs but you see it and make a change.

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  62. Thanks for sharing, Katie! I appreciate the honesty. At your highest weight since losing, you are still inspiring. I'm new to your blog, but I think I'll stick around. Your blog has been good for me. You write about things that are relevant to my life. I am trying to lose weight and I was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder. My diagnosis is bipolar NOS, but I'm pretty sure the only time I've experienced true mania was during the postpartum period. So when you have talked about your diagnosis, I can relate. Thanks again for your honesty! ❤️

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  63. Sounds like you lost your mojo, don't stress about it (easier said than done), when you're ready to run/count calories or whatever, it will happen. If your readers know one thing about you, it's your determination--when you make up your mind there's no stopping you. Sending cyber hugs! PS: I do not recommend fainting and breaking your jaw as a good weight loss option ;~) ~xo

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  64. Katie - have you ever concidered trying Bright Line Eating ? Super easy program -you only eat «normal» food. It has changed my life and health to the better, and the best part is that I don’t have to make a «trillion» decisions on what to eat and not to eat every day . You simply weigh your food ( like you’re used to) and you eat three meals a day- that’s it. This way of eating has helped me into getting a relaxed relationship with food and I feeling like I don’t have to make so many choices regarding food all the time. My mind is «relaxed» and allow me to focus on other things than food . Before BLE was constantly thinking about food and planning what to eat next- it’s not like that anymore . Keep up the good work and good luck !

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  65. Katie, I hope you feel the love & support in all these comments. You were truly a lifesaver for me when I lost 63 lbs. 5 years ago. I read your blog daily and it kept fueling my motivation. That said, here we are 5 years later and struggling. I also am a runner an having a hard time maintaining my passion for running and my desire to stay at goal weight. I know I should be doing weight training and cannot bring myself to start. As they say--the struggle is real. Please don't lose sight of how you have influenced so many people to make healthy changes in their lives, you are remarkable. Your transparency, candor, humor & dedication to your health and your family are such touchstones for so many of us. Don't give up on you. There's so much more to you than the struggle. You will find your peace and your plan.

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  66. I have stumbled onto your blog today 10/22/18, I seriously can't get enough ! My initial search was for binge eating, and though I have read and read and read all the "bingy" material I can get my grubby hands on- it has never really hit home or struck that deep cord. I am constantly up and down with my weight. I just wanted to pop on here and say THANK YOU for being RAW and REAL with all of your ups, downs, inbetweens. It gives me hope and knowing that there are OTHERS like ME out there... specifically your raw post from journal !
    Current weight now (October 2018_-224 lbs after being at a low of (200.2 in April 2018) and before that when my husband and I met 2007.... inbetween has been ups and downs highest was 282 (October 2014) !!

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