My First Real Binge in Over Three Years

So, I binged last night.

I hadn't been keeping track of how long it had been since my last binge, but I knew it had been sometime in early 2017. That was the year I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and started on mood stabilizing medications.

I felt great after starting the meds! And 2017 was the year I decided that I was going to work on living my "happiest life"--doing whatever made me happy and NOT doing whatever didn't make me happy (other than my obligations, of course, like being a chauffeur to the kids and cleaning my house and grocery shopping, etc.).

Living my happiest life seemed to turn off the binge eating disorder. It was like a switch just flipped and I stopped binge eating. Just like that.

Sure, over the last three years I've overeaten. I've eaten for emotional reasons. I've eaten when I wasn't hungry. But those times weren't true binge eating episodes (loss of control). Here is a post about the difference between binge eating and overeating.

Yesterday, I felt... different. I had gotten up at 4:30 AM with Jerry, because I've been trying to regulate my sleep routine. (I had gone to bed before 9:00 the night before!). I felt fine during the morning. Even though I said I wasn't going to, I worked a little on the drywall in the garage. (Even though I was sore, I just couldn't help myself!)

I noticed that at around noon, my energy level just dropped like a giant rock off a cliff. I came in the house and sat down to chill for a little while (watching an old episode of Oprah!) and playing Best Fiends on my phone.

While I was playing, I literally fell asleep. My phone dropped in my lap, startling me awake. A few days ago, I wrote about how I NEVER nap because my body just doesn't fall asleep during the day. Even after only sleeping for a few hours at night, I just cannot nap. A few hours of sleep keeps me wide awake all day.

Well, after my phone dropped, I decided to lie down on the couch for "just a minute" to finish the Oprah episode. I woke up over an hour later when the stupid Honeywell Instant Alert System (an automated message system from my kids' schools) called three times in a row. I was SO TIRED that I just couldn't even move.

I knew I need to get up and make dinner. But I just laid on the couch trying to muster up the will to get up. I'd been planning to make chicken thighs--with skin and bone, something I'd never bought before--pan searing them and then finishing them in the oven; along with steamed broccoli on the side.

Jerry has been interested in intermittent fasting and he watched some film (called FAT on Amazon Prime) about cutting back on carbs. While I love carbs, I wanted to be supportive, so I said I'd try it with him for just a week. (I didn't plan on doing this myself for longer, but I wanted to at least help him get started.)

Side note: Jerry and the kids LOVED the chicken. It was like eating the crispy skin on chicken was a huge treat for them, haha). Again, I felt bad for not cooking things like that before! End side note.

You can see where I'm going here...

I love carbs. My body loves carbs. Giving up carbs is NOT realistic for me to do for the rest of my life, so I shouldn't do it now. Remember my "Golden Rule" for weight loss?). The reason I didn't even write about the plan yet is because I wasn't sure if I could actually do it for a week. I just wanted to make things easier on Jerry.

Well, I knew I was dragging ass yesterday due to lack of carbs for two days. I'd only gotten carbs from vegetables and some berries. My body felt so deprived. And, as has always been the case for me, binge eating follows deprivation.

So, for the first time in over three years, I binged. I went to the party store (corner store a couple of blocks away) and bought ice cream, chips, and Oreos. I hadn't had ice cream in months (for some reason, I've been craving saltier foods like chips rather than sweets for a few months now).

I've been letting my kids have a few Oreos at night for a bedtime treat, and I've stayed away from them. But yesterday, I was on a mission to binge--so I bought my own at the store. (Thankfully, they only had the six-pack of Oreos; if they'd had the larger pack, I would've bought that.)

I came home and ate it all. I ate the ice cream first, and I started feeling better (physically) already. I still felt ashamed to be eating like that. It was humiliating not to be in control. I was still extremely tired, but nothing like I had been earlier.

I ended up staying up until about 11:30 and I woke up at 6:00. I feel fine now, other than the fact that I binged last night. I really didn't want to write about it here, because like I said--I feel ashamed and humiliated that I did that. But I feel like it's an important thing to mention. I broke my own rule.

THAT "rule" is how I lost 125 pounds. I had tried all the diets (including low carb) back in the day and I couldn't stick with anything long enough to lose weight. It was after I decided not to do anything I wasn't willing to do forever that I finally lost the weight. Fourteen months after that decision nearly 11 years ago, I'd lost 125 pounds, and I was eating things I loved. I hadn't given up anything I didn't want to.

Where will I go from here?

Well, I'm going to follow my own goddamn advice. I'm going to eat how I can sustain to eat for the rest of my life. I'm going to start my morning with tea and whatever I feel like having--breakfast has been all over the place lately. I've been wanting sourdough toast, but I can't get my beloved sourdough at the store, because they are always out of it since the quarantine.

I'll eat a small lunch, because I've never been a big lunch person anyway. Always with fruit. I love fruit.

I'll eat dinner that I cook myself (or that I assign the boys to cook, or help them cook). I'll include the vegetables that I like--and I do like a lot of veggies! I'll eat the healthy foods I enjoy--including carbs. I'll skip the foods I don't like.

And I'll eat a treat at night--whether it's salty or sweet, as long as I like it. Something to end the day with something I can look forward to.

That is a sustainable and enjoyable way for me to eat, and it will help me to get back to staying binge-free. I will also try to help Jerry with his eating plan by cooking things that he enjoys as well. I can continue to cook the meat separate from other things, and I can have carbs on the side--so we both can eat what works for us.

And there you have it. The raw, honest, vulnerable, humiliating truth.

On a positive note, Jerry's has the day off from work today, so I think we're going to try to finish drywalling the final wall of the garage. Then we'll need to rent a drywall lift to work on the ceiling! I can't WAIT to get it done :)

I'd also like to go to JoAnn Fabric's in Toledo to get some more fabric for masks. I've had so many requests!

Finally, I'm going to set my goals for the next three days:

*Cook a healthy meal for dinner for the family each day.
*Eat three meals and one "treat" or snack in the evening.
*Get and stay hydrated (I know I haven't been drinking enough water for the amount of work I've been doing in the garage--I can always feel when I'm dehydrated)
*Bonus: Write in my journal each evening, even if it's just a single sentence.

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Quitting Binge Eating: 6 (Fresh) Activity Ideas That Helped Me To Stop Bingeing

As you all know, my weight is up quite a bit from my goal--I've been hanging out in the mid-160's for several months. I'd love to get my weight back down to where I feel comfortable (about 145 is the maximum I'd like to be; when my weight gets higher than that, I start to feel the negative effects).

However, despite the semi-recent weight gain, I've stopped binge eating. I don't know exactly how long it's been, but I literally can't remember my last binge. I've certainly eaten more than "normal" occasionally, and portion control is an issue sometimes; but I've not had an actual binge in a very long time.

Over the years, I've learned to use new activities to help me stop binge eating (both when I was losing the weight in 2009-2010 and currently). I hate reading these types of lists, because they normally are very typical--each list is the same: go for a walk, read a book, call a friend, take a bath, etc. Those things rarely appeal to me! So I hope my list is a bit more unique.

Here are some things that I found useful in keeping my hands and/or mind busy:


1) Playing solitaire with a real deck of cards. 

I like using actual physical cards to play solitaire, especially when playing my favorite game, Grandma's Game. There are some games I play on my iPad, but I absolutely LOVE that particular game--so much so that I actually made a video for my blog about how to play it. I didn't know the name of it for about two decades! My mom taught me when I was little, and I loved it right away. I've only won once in my life.

Anyway, the benefit to using a real deck of cards (or two decks, in my case) is that it keeps your hands busy. You don't want to get food on the cards, obviously, so eating + solitaire = mess.

2) Completing projects around the house (and learning new skills in the process).

As you know, this has been my latest pastime that I just can't get enough of! While making over my entire house (DIY-style), I learned SO many new skills--drywalling, painting, cutting and installing trim, making my own countertops, installing new doors, building custom shelves, and lots more.

I discovered that I love painting (furniture, trim, doors--anything other than walls). There are very few things left in my house that haven't been painted recently, haha. A fresh coat of paint makes a huge difference in how something looks, but it also keeps my hands busy. I like to put on a good true crime podcast and take my time painting. (My current favorites are Morbid and True Crime All The Time)

I also learned that I love woodworking. This is my new favorite hobby. I learn more each time I make a project, and I'm getting better at it every time. I discovered power tools that I'd never used before and now those are pretty much my favorite things that I own. I would choose a trip to Lowe's over a mani/pedi at the salon any day!

It can be an expensive hobby, so I am limited as to how much I can do. I also have a small car, so transporting materials isn't easy--the maximum board length that I can fit is 8 feet; and sheets of plywood have to be cut down at Lowe's. Anyway, once I get started on a woodworking project, I don't want to stop for anything--I hate leaving projects half-finished. Even if I am starving, I would rather skip a meal than quit in the middle of a woodworking project.

The past couple of days, I've been working on a set of steps for my side door. We had a small porch there, but it was a waste of space because we rarely use that door; not to mention that the wood was starting to rot and it was in really bad shape. I'll post photos of that soon.

Another household project that I loved working on was replacing the trim along the floor and the casings around the doors and windows. There are several windows and doorways that I haven't done yet (again, it's an expense), but when I do them, I love the process of measuring and then cutting with my miter saw (that I bought used on Facebook Marketplace for cheap!). And then using my Paslode (again, Facebook Marketplace) is embarrassingly exciting for me, hahaha.

3) Organizing a drawer or closet.

If you're not into organizing, this obviously isn't for you; but I absolutely love the result of taking something that is very messy and making it very neat. It's super satisfying! It's also not something that I can do while eating, and it makes me want to continue until it's finished.

If you're unsure where to start, I'd start by going through your closet and finding clothes to donate. For me, this takes up a lot of time and energy because I try on almost everything as I decide whether or not to keep it. After reading The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up, I was inspired to reorganize my clothes and to ditch 95% of my clothes hangers.

It truly was "life changing". The day I organized my clothes (including socks and underwear) into neat folds, I haven't had a messy drawer since! It's very easy to keep up with once it's done. The original process was a HUGE project, but I found it fun to work on and again--it kept me from binge eating.

4) Making my own recipe book.

This was a long project, and always ongoing. First, I created a Pages/Word template so that all I had to do was fill in the boxes with recipe name, ingredients, and directions. Then, I gathered all the recipes that I used frequently or were family favorites and I typed them into the template. After that, I printed them, put them into page sleeves, and organized them in a 3-ring binder.

I use it all the time when meal planning and cooking. (Actually, I will include the template below, in case anyone wants to use it! You may want to change the font to your own liking and save the template as your own, so you don't have to change the font for each recipe.)

This project was very helpful in two ways--one, I kept myself very occupied by initially making the book. It took several weeks of working on it for a couple of hours here and there. Also, as I mentioned, it's super helpful in everyday life! When I need meal ideas or when I'm making a grocery list, I don't have to find each recipe on my computer or search through cookbooks. I just pull out my binder. Occasionally, when I make something new and we enjoy it, I'll add it to the book.

Recipe templates: Here is the template to type in and print recipes. Just save it to your computer as a template.

5) Organizing photos on my computer. 

At this moment, I have over 30,000 photos on my computer. It's insane! Since I wanted digital copies of all of my photos, I started by either scanning or taking photos of the photos I had copies of. Obviously, taking photos of photos isn't ideal, but it's certainly more than adequate. You can't even tell that it's not the original on most of them.

After all photos were digital, I saved them to a folder on my computer from every source I had (flash drives, external hard drive, my phone, etc). Once they were all on my computer, I put them in a folder and saved them all to my external hard drive (just in case something should happen to my computer, I have a back-up).

Then, I started to go through them and change the dates on the ones that I'd scanned in (otherwise, the date on the photo will be the date you scan it rather than the date it was taken). To do this, I used a very cool app called ShootShifter that allows you to organize photos in a folder. On ShootShifter, you can drag photos to the order that you want and correct the dates, filenames, and other things. This is my favorite app for correcting dates/times, because all you have to do is drag the photos in the order you want, and it will automatically correct the dates based on your preferences.

Then there was a problem with duplicate photos. SOOOO many of them! I downloaded an app called Duplicate Photos Fixer Pro, which allows you to use your preferred settings to find duplicates (or near-duplicates... like when you take 2-3 pictures in a row to make sure no one is blinking, etc).

When all of the photos were corrected and duplicates deleted, I created a brand new folder and saved them there--both on my computer and my external hard drive.

The next step was finally organizing them. Since I have a MacBook, I have the Photos app on my computer (I'm not sure what the Microsoft equivalent is). I uploaded all of my photos into Photos (I hate that they didn't come up with a slightly more creative name than "Photos" for the app!).

From the Photos app, I started tagging the faces in each photo. Once you tag several of the same people, the app itself will search for people that it believes are the same, and you can accept or deny the tag (it saves you from having to tag every single photo).

I also created keywords for things like pets, races, travel, food, etc., and I added the keywords to the fitting photos. I created albums of photos using the "Smart Albums" feature--you list a guideline or two, and the app will take all of those photos and put them into an album.

For example, I can make a Smart Album with photos that include "kids" and "pets"--so the app will automatically take all of the photos with those keywords and put them into the album. Then I will have lots of pictures of my kids with our pets. I have Smart Albums for things like races, food, holidays, etc. Then, when I need a photo (let's say I'm looking for a race photo to use on my blog) I can just sort through that album until I find what I need.

6) Knitting or crocheting.

This one isn't a very unique idea, but during the beginning of my weight loss, this was a huge help to me. I obviously didn't want to eat while knitting or crocheting because I didn't want food on the yarn I was working with! This was also something that I could do at night when watching TV after the kids were in bed. Prior to that, I would put the kids to bed and then dig out the binge food to eat while I watched my shows.

I also started to choose more complicated patterns (like lace) because you have to pay very close attention to the pattern while knitting. One missed step or dropped stitch could be detrimental while working an intricate pattern. Now that I've been really into podcasts (which weren't really a "thing" back then), I can listen to a podcast and knit or crochet at the same time.

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Well, there you have it! Hopefully these are some helpful ideas. If you have more ideas, I'd love to read them. It basically boils down to finding things we enjoy doing MORE than binge eating. And the things on this list fit the bill for me. Despite the weight gain, I'm thrilled that I'm free of binge eating (hopefully for good)!

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My Plan to Get Back to My Goal Weight

... AGAIN.

Man, when I look over the last nine years of my weight graph, there are SO many ups and downs. It really does resemble a roller coaster. The first part is the biggest drop, followed by several smaller ones. Thankfully, I haven't even come close to gaining it all back.

After being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, the gains and losses made a lot of sense. Usually, I'll have one or two hypomanic episodes a year and one or two depressive episodes a year (mostly, it's one and one). My weight has become pretty predictable based on my moods what episode I'm in.

Right now, I feel like I'm in a "mixed state" of bipolar--that is when you have both symptoms of mania and symptoms of depression going on at the same time. It's extremely frustrating, and if it continues, I might have to change up my meds. I see my psychiatrist in May, so we'll talk about it then.

Anyway, I really want to get my weight back down to my "happy" weight range (which is about 130-135). My "magic number" is 133. This morning, my weight was at 147.4, so I'm 14.4 pounds over my goal.

Each time I think I've finally hit a peak and I'm going to stop gaining or start losing again, and stop feeling depressed, it just doesn't happen. So, I'm going to try to make it happen by using the same things I've done before that have helped.

Here is my basic plan:

Food/Diet

Count calories. Ugh, I have a love/hate relationship with counting anything. I am guaranteed to lose weight when I count, but it gets to be tedious. All last year, I didn't count a single calorie, and I did really well! I thought I'd be able to live that way forever. But once I started feeling depressed, it's like my body stopped helping me out by telling me when to eat and when not to.

I wrote a whole post about how I used calorie counting to get back to my goal weight, and that is basically what I'm going to do again. Instead of My Fitness Pal, I'm using the Fat Secret app. I like Fat Secret much better.

Like last time (2015), I'm not aiming for a particular calorie goal. I'm going to eat what I feel is a "reasonable" amount of the food that I want most and see what that works out to. Back then, over the course of 15 weeks, it averaged out to 1568 per day--some days I ate much more and some days I ate less. It just depended on what my body was telling me that day.

And like last time, I'm going to have a high-calorie day once a week (NOT a cheat day). I don't believe in "cheat days", because it makes it sound like you're doing something wrong. To me, a high-calorie day involves eating the same VOLUME of food, but choosing more calorically dense foods.

For example, I might order pizza for dinner, which is about 1,000 calories (as opposed to the usual 500 or so I'd eat normally). The volume of food I eat remains the same, but the calories are higher. On those days, I usually end up eating about 2,500 to 3,500 calories.

I feel my best and lose weight my best when I'm eating four times per day: breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a bedtime treat. People always ask, "Don't you get hungry between meals?" and the short answer is yes. I do get hungry, but I'm not starving. And I think hunger is good! I want to feel hungry when it's time to eat a meal, because the food tastes so much better.

Binge Eating

As far as binge eating, I'm not sure that I've had a true "binge" in a long time. A very long time. I've certainly overeaten to the point where I'm very full, but I don't think the binge definition applied to those situations.

However, I've been revisiting the old Brain Over Binge mentality anyway, to avoid overeating. Brain Over Binge now has a free podcast that explains the whole concept. The podcasts are short, and I listen to 2-3 episodes over a period of 30-minute runs (I listen to podcasts at 1.5x speed). Of course, the book goes into more depth, and I highly recommend it. There is now a recovery guide to go along with it, which I haven't checked out yet--but I will probably buy one to see what it's all about.

In a nutshell: I'm going to be counting calories again, much in the same way that I did in 2015-2016. For all the details, you can check out this post: How I Calorie Counted My Way Back to Goal Weight.

Exercise

Just like with my weight loss, my running (and exercise in general) has had plenty of ups and downs over the years. I have trained long and slow for marathons, I have trained hard and fast for a 10K PR, and I've done everything in-between. I've been injured and taken time off, I've been injured and stupidly NOT taken time off, I took almost a full year off of running just because I was burnt out on it. I've run for fun, and I've run to burn calories. Hell, I ran in a documentary!

I've even been known to run for cookies ;)

Currently, I'm at the point of running for fitness. Not to be in tip-top shape like I was after 10K training, but to stay healthy and mostly-fit as I approach my 40's(!).

For the last two weeks, I've been running for 30 minutes a day (Monday through Friday). That's IT. I don't even reach three miles in that amount of time! All but one of the runs has been on the treadmill, because when running for just 30 minutes, I honestly kind of like the treadmill. I put on a podcast (I'll share in another post what I've been listening to) and run at an easy 5.0-5.1 mph pace until I reach 30 minutes.

I am thoroughly enjoying this way of exercising right now. It all started with a conversation with my good childhood friend, Lance, when he came over a few weeks ago. He recently became a dad, and his schedule changed quite a bit.

When we were kids, his (affectionate) nickname was "Chubs" because he was, well, chubby. (Looking back, that was a terrible nickname--but because his friends were the ones saying it, and he laughed about it, we thought it was okay.)

As he got older, he slimmed out quite a bit--and he admitted it wasn't in a healthy way for a while. He wasn't diagnosed with an eating disorder, but from what he described, I believe he was anorexic. But now he is at a good weight for his height (still on the slim side, for sure, but in a healthy range). And yes, I got his permission to post about this.

While he was at his thinnest, I was at my heaviest-at-the-time in college:

So now, he eats healthy foods--not too much or too little, and he avoids sweets as much as possible by simply not buying them. I had the hardest time comprehending this--he has a huge sweet tooth just like me, and I never would have guessed that!

See? Two peas in a pod, eating frosting.

And as for exercise, he said that he goes to the gym before work (at 5:00 am!) to do 30 minutes of cardio--whatever he feels like doing that day. Maybe the treadmill, the elliptical, the bike, whatever. It's so very simple! I realized that as close as Lance and I were, we never really had a conversation about his story.

I love this picture from when we were two! We recreate it occasionally; the second photo was obviously from my wedding.

I was very inspired while listening to this (and asking him a trillion questions--"But HOW do you not buy sweets?!"). The simplicity of just eating without putting too much thought into everything and exercising 30 minutes Monday through Friday sounded really appealing to me. Jerry thought the same thing, so we started calling it "The Lance Diet", hahaha. He doesn't count calories, but I think I need to do it, at least for a while, until I re-learn what portions my body feels best with.


Accountability

To stay accountable, I'd like to get back to posting my Wednesday Weigh-ins again. It was really discouraging, because the scale was just going up and up and I stopped weighing myself much at all. I would also like to keep up with my bullet journal as a tracker, because I find it so fun to work on! It's definitely more of a hobby than a chore for me, so the bullet journal will help. I'll share some of my pages here, if that interests anyone.

Some of the goals in my habit tracker are to work toward my 40 Goals Before I Turn 40 Years Old list.

Alcohol

I'm still trying to avoid drinking as much as possible, but I'm not at the point of quitting completely. Logically, I KNOW that it's best to quit--alcohol basically counteracts my mood stabilizer, which can send me into hypomania or depression very easily. Basically, anything that alters one's mood can do that--including caffeine!

The alcohol has been a challenge, because it's such a social thing. I have no problem when I'm just at home doing my usual things, but going out with friends or having friends over here makes me want to be like them and enjoy a few drinks. On Saturday, for example, I'm having a couple of friends and their families over for Cinco de Mayo, and of course I want to make margaritas!

So, my plan is to work on cutting back more and more, until I drink only on very special/rare occasions or even get to the point where I can quit completely.

Mental Health

Because my mental health plays a large role in my weight loss/gain/loss/gain, I am going to continue my journey toward being my happiest self. I want to do the things that make my happy, make the decisions that are best for ME (and my family), and not worry about what others think or have to say about it.

Ever since I had that breakthrough in therapy about a year ago, I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted from me. I don't have to try to be someone I'm not, pretend to enjoy things that I don't, do things I don't want to do, etc., just to please other people. I am comfortable speaking my mind, even if it causes conflict.

This has greatly reduced my anxiety, which has reduced/eliminated my binge eating.

Blogging

Finally, I want to blog more. I always feel good when I write, but lately, I just haven't felt like I've had much to write about. I included a suggestions form on my blog, which can be found here, so if there is something you want me to write about or a burning question you don't mind my answering on the blog, please feel free! I won't use your name.

Actually, I've done a ton of revamping on my blog recently; so, if you find yourself bored, you can always peruse the tabs at the top of the blog.

To sum it all up, my plan to get back to my goal weight is:

• Count calories without a particular calorie goal in mind
• Eat four times per day, what I consider a "modest" portion
• Eat what I want most (listen to my body)
• Run 30 minutes a day on the treadmill (aim for 5 times a week, but I'd settle for 3-4 times)
• Stay accountable by posting weigh-ins again
• Limiting/avoiding alcohol
• Blog more frequently

And there you have it! Let's hope that sometime in the next 2-3 months, I'll see my goal weight again.

Continue Reading...

"I know how to lose weight, so why am I not doing it?"

This post is a combination of Weight Loss Wednesday and Mental Health Monday. I asked on Facebook recently for ideas for blog post topics--since I've had a bit of writer's block lately, I hoped that maybe people would have some fresh ideas.

One person wrote:

"My struggle is and continues to be.....
I’ve lost weight in the past, I know what to do, so why aren’t I doing it?
That on and off switch.
Thanks for asking. As I enjoy reading your words, your thoughts!!"

I believe this is mostly mental, which is why I chose to write about it today. It's a question I've asked myself God-only-knows how many times in my life. And I wish I had one solid, concrete answer... but if I did, then everyone would be thin ;)

While I was obese, and a doctor started telling (lecturing?) me one time about the things I needed to do to lose the weight, I cut her off and told her that I know how to lose weight. If you want to know how to lose weight, ask a fat person--we know better than anyone!

We've read all the magazine articles, self-help books, healthy cooking books; we've gone to Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig; we've tried Slim Fast and Whole 30 and the BeachBody programs. We can tell you exactly how many calories are in that doughnut you're eating, or the pasta that you ordered at the restaurant; how many fat grams are in that cookie or slice of pizza. We can tell you how many miles you need to walk to burn off that piece of cake.

WE KNOW HOW TO LOSE THE WEIGHT.

So, the big question is, what stops us from actually doing it?

Jerry and I were goofing around recently and we started taking selfies of us doing all of the emoji faces... haha! I wasn't sure what other pics to use for this post, so this is what you get ;) 

I had to think hard about this question, because I spent 20 years of my life knowing how to lose weight but not actually doing it. Until one day, I did. So, I had to ask myself what was different? Why was I able to do it this time? I came up with three things that I think made the difference.

One

I've written it over and over and over, and I'll never stop saying it: I didn't make changes that I wasn't willing to live with forever. THAT is the big "secret" that helped me to actually lose the weight.

Before you stop reading (most people shut out the rest of what I have to say at this point, because that's not a "real" answer that they are looking for), let me explain the best I can.

To lose weight, we have to make sacrifices. That is a fact. If you don't change a single thing, you obviously aren't going to lose the weight. So, whether we are successful and can stick with it depends on the sacrifices we CHOOSE to make.

If we know what we need to do to lose the weight, we need to ask ourselves if those are things we're willing to do forever (key word is "willing"). If we only choose sacrifices that we're willing to make, then there really isn't a question of whether or not we can do it. We don't have to change everything! We just have to pick and choose the changes that we are willing to make.

Here is a post that explains more about how to do that.

Two

We have to stop making the same old excuses:

"I have a birthday party tomorrow, so I'll wait and start after that."
"This weekend is busy for me, so I'm going to start on Monday."
"I am going to start tomorrow, so I need to eat all of these cookies and get them out of the house."
"I'm going to have my favorite meal one last time before I start my diet."
"The holidays are coming up, so I'm going to wait until after that. I always have so many parties and festivities going on, so I can't stick to a diet during the holidays."

And so on. We've all said them (or similar things) over and over again.

But here's the kicker: If we are TRULY willing to make the sacrifices that we came up with in my first point, then there is absolutely no reason to start later than literally RIGHT NOW. At this very moment. Because there are always going to be birthdays, anniversaries, junk food at home and work, and invitations to go out to dinner--these things won't stop!

Our surroundings, our relationships, our jobs, holidays, special occasions... those things don't change just because we go on a "diet". We are going to have to deal with those things forever, regardless of what we're eating.

So, if we choose to make the changes that we can live with, then why not start right this minute? We don't need "one last" anything, because if it's something we're not willing to give up, then we are going to have it again--no need to treat it like it's out of our lives forever.

Instead, we need to make a plan--starting right this minute. Which leads to...

Three

We need a "life plan" if we're going to stick with the changes we make. We need to plan for the tough situations and know what we're going to do in them. For example, in the previous excuse of, "I have a birthday party tomorrow, so I'll just wait until after that to start," we need to plan for it in a way that will make us happy.

What is it about the birthday party that we feel will throw us "off our diet"? We want to eat all the food, which probably isn't healthy, and a piece of birthday cake? No problem! We just plan for it ahead of time. In my personal scenario, I would plan to eat only the foods that I desire (for example, I might choose to eat a heaping scoop of pasta salad because I love it, but then I would forgo the fried chicken, because I can really take it or leave it--it's not something that I care about.

I would eat all of the things that I want to eat, that sound good to me, and I would skip the things that don't matter so much. I know (from experience) that the first 4-5 bites of a particular food taste the best; after that, it kind of goes downhill, so when it stops tasting as good, I stop eating it. What's the point of continuing to eat it if it doesn't taste as good?

And I always save room for dessert. If I'm full from a meal, then I will have my dessert later (even asking to take a piece of cake home instead of eating it at the party).

(Note: When I was counting Points or calories, my dilemma at a party was that I didn't want to have to try to estimate the calories in everything, and it was just too much work. So I would either eat nothing at all or say "Screw it!" and eat everything. 

Eventually, my solution for that became to just pick a number and count it as that--say, 500 calories for my plate of food, regardless of what was on it. I didn't try to figure it all out; I just ate what I wanted, and counted it as 500 calories.  

Then, when I wrote it in my food journal, I didn't feel like I "screwed up" the entire day or week. When I felt like I blew it with a meal, then I would let that ruin the rest of the day or week. So, by counting it (even if I was off count by 1,000 calories!) I didn't let it ruin my attitude.)

As far as drinks go... one of the sacrifices I was willing to make from the very beginning of my weight loss was pop. I used to drink tons of Dr. Pepper, but I felt I could live without it. I certainly wasn't willing to give up my desserts, but Dr. Pepper was a sacrifice that I was cool with. If you are a pop person, and you don't want to give it up, then plan on having it--but not a whole two-liter. Having one glass of pop at a birthday party isn't the end of the world.

Alcohol is a tough one for me, as you know if you've been reading lately. I had a glass of wine just about every single day when I was losing weight. I measured it out and counted the calories in it. These days, I haven't been so good at stopping with a small glass of wine. And as I get older, it has affected me in a lot of negative ways, so I am choosing not to drink alcohol (I'm not ready to declare "forever" yet... but I'd like to keep it to very, very rarely).

It's not easy for me, though! Just like weight loss, I have to make sacrifices. Of course I want to drink like everybody else at a party, or share a bottle of wine with Jerry or a girlfriend. But I remind myself of the consequences--how bad it will make me feel later, in particular. And when I weigh that in my mind, being 100% honest with myself, I (usually) choose not to have any.

In another example: "I better eat all these cookies now so that I can start my diet tomorrow". I can't tell you how many times I've said this. And you want me to spoil the ending? It won't be the last time you have cookies in your house!

Eating all of the cookies right now isn't going to keep us from being around cookies forever. All it does is give us an excuse to eat all the cookies--it makes us feel like we're doing the "right" thing because now we can start losing weight tomorrow.

In this situation, I've learned that I can have cookies every single day if I want to. I am not willing to give up cookies from my life. So, I leave the cookies in the cupboard, and when I really, truly, honestly want a cookie, I'll eat one (or two--or until they just don't taste as good).

I discovered that there have been so many times where I thought I wanted things (junk food) just because it was "bad"... but way deep down, it didn't even sound good to me at the time. So what's the point of eating it if it doesn't even sound good? Why not save it for when it really does sound good?

I think that listening to our gut feeling (figuratively, not literally--ha) is very important when it comes to food choices. When I'm really struggling, I usually ask myself, "Do I REALLY want this? (Yes! Of course I do!) No, do I really, honest-to-God, want this? Does it really sound that good?" and sometimes the answer is yes; sometimes the answer is no. But I try to listen to that little voice way down in my gut.

Before I eat, I serve myself a small portion of food, even if I'm ravenous. I can always go back for seconds if I want. I eat slowly if I can, and then if I'm ready to get seconds, I'll take a moment to ask myself if I really am still hungry. I have found that my gut feeling (I guess we could call it intuition, although I hate the phrase "intuitional eating"), is the best answer. My head might tell me I want more, but deep down, I know that I don't actually want more.

---

Okay, that was a very long-winded answer to a simple question:

"I know how to lose weight, so why am I not doing it?"

I think it's because we tend to make things more complicated than they need to be. If we don't give up the things we enjoy, and we learn to listen to our gut feelings about what we REALLY want, it will probably help us to actually "do it".

I think we all know the infinite ways to lose weight, and many of us have tried dozens of them--but by making it complicated, it becomes overwhelming--and of course we would rather choose simple than overwhelming.

So, I guess the nutshell three word answer is: Keep it simple!

---

Here are some other posts that may be helpful (going into more detail) regarding this topic:

Lose Weight Eating Only the Foods You Love
Changing the Habits That Keep Us From Losing the Weight
Is It Worth the Points/Calories?
My Best Advice For Those With Weight Loss Goals
What I Wish I Knew When I Started Losing Weight
Get It Over With! (Stop Procrastinating and Just Do It)
What Made This Time Different


(I have to say, I do a way better job at making emoji faces than Jerry does!)

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The 7 (Very Effective!) Life Changes I've Made in Pursuit of Happiness

After a very long depressive episode last year, I've been writing a lot this year about the "pursuit to my happiest life". When wording that, I didn't want to say "pursuit to happiness" or "pursuit of happiness", because that would sound like I have nothing to be happy about already. And that's not the case--I have plenty of great things in my life!

When I say "my happiest life", I mean that I want to consistently pursue habits and transformations that make me happy. To reach the level of "happiest" would mean that it can't get any better. And since there is no "cap" on the amount of happiness one can have, I want to continue to learn about and practice the things that make me happy.

This year has been ground-breaking for me. If happiness was a mountain, I started in the lowest point of the valley and charged up three quarters of that mountain over a relatively short period. I still cannot believe the changes that have occurred!


There are several things that have helped me so much in this pursuit that I thought it would be appropriate to write about them. These have literally changed my life for the better in so many ways:


I started psychotherapy

Psychotherapy, or "talk" therapy, always seemed to be one of those things that worked for other people, but just wasn't for me. I really didn't believe that I could learn anything about myself that would change my life. I didn't have any big issues from childhood (abuse, neglect, major loss, etc).

This year, I discovered just how wrong I was to think that psychotherapy wouldn't (or couldn't) help me. It all started with finding a therapist that I really clicked with. If I didn't like my therapist, I never would have opened up enough to discover anything about myself.

In one of my sessions, I had a huge breakthrough that explained so many things about my past, my personality, my anxiety, my relationships, and several other areas of my life.

I feel like that particular therapy session--that "aha!" moment--was the beginning of this pursuit to my happiest life. Everything about my life started making sense, and I was able to start piecing it all together to move forward in my pursuit.


I stopped caring about what other people think of me

This is something that I have struggled with my entire life. Starting in elementary school, I always wanted to fit in; so I did what I thought other people would like, conforming in any way that I could, rather than just being myself.

My feelings would get hurt so easily. I wrote in depth about this in my post about social media causing such severe anxiety. I lived with horrible anxiety for most of my life because I was worried about what other people thought of me. It was because of my "aha!" moment in psychotherapy that I was able to finally let go of that anxiety.

This is me not caring. (Just kidding, it was just one of a trillion pictures

Jerry took of me when I was trying to get ready in Portland.

I started speaking my mind

Because of the said "aha!" moment, I was able to start speaking my mind. I instantly had all the freedom I'd always wanted. I had always been a people-pleaser, doing things that I didn't want to do (or not doing things that I wanted to!) simply because I didn't want to hurt someone's feelings or because I felt obligated.

When I stopped caring what other people think of me, I started speaking my mind--even if it wasn't what others wanted to hear. I always do my best to be polite when I say what I'm really thinking. I also validate others' feelings, which I believe goes hand-in-hand with speaking my mind. Just because I am no longer a people-pleaser doesn't mean I want to be a jerk.

I used to keep quiet if I disagreed with or didn't like something. Now, I feel free to politely disagree or simply state that I don't care for care for something. I used to feel like a doormat--people could walk all over me because I didn't want to stand up for myself. Now, I do or say what I want, and it feels so nice to say my opinion out loud!

Giving someone a piece of my mind! (Just kidding, I was actually rapping along with Eminem)

And you know what? The world didn't end. People didn't suddenly hate me. If they don't like something that I say or if they disagree with me, they don't end our relationship--they get over it, just as I would.


 I stopped avoiding confrontations 

If someone does or says something that bothers me, I simply tell them so (in a validating way). I've found it much easier to say what's bothering me and talk about it than to worry about things and pick things apart inside of my head.

For example, if a friend makes a comment that hurts my feelings somehow, I will just say, "Hey, it kind of bothered me when you said (whatever it is they said). What did you mean by that?" Most of the time, I find out that I am reading too much into it--particularly when it's in a text message. Texts are so hard to read sometimes, because you can't convey sarcasm or jokes very easily.

I always feel better after confronting the issue head-on. I used to let it take up so much of my head space that it would nag at me constantly until I finally was able to (mostly) forget about it. This usually caused "catastrophic thinking", where I automatically assumed the worst: "This person hates me" or "This person never wants to hang out with me again", etc.

I've learned that confrontations aren't necessarily a bad thing. Both parties can speak their minds, and then move on. And using the validation technique I learned in therapy keeps confrontation civilized. It's liberating!


 I stopped hiding my authentic self

I don't feel embarrassed or apologetic for my quirks. And I have a lot of odd quirks! However, I've learned that many of them are symptomatic of bipolar. My diagnosis helped me to feel at peace with these, because now I know it's "normal" for someone with bipolar to feel or act certain ways. But even for the oddball things that make me ME, I don't try to hide or apologize for them.

I have accepted things about myself that I always felt like I needed to change. My weight fluctuations, for example. Of course I don't like the fact that my weight has gone up and down in a range of 30 pounds rather than the ideal 5 pounds, but that's what's happened over the last 7 years; and I have finally accepted that maybe it's just the way my body works!

I embrace the things about me that are unique, even if they seem weird to other people. I want my kids to grow up feeling happy about who they are and not feel like they have to conform to fit in with others; and the best way they can learn this is to see ME doing it. I've learned that I actually really like my quirky, weird, authentic self.

Who doesn't love red plaid pants?

Eli had been wanting to dye his hair green for some time, so we finally did it on Sunday. He was SO excited to go to school the next day with his newly dyed hair; and when he did, he said the kids all teased him for it. I felt terrible for him.

I asked Eli if HE liked it, and he said yes. I told him we could change it back if he wanted, but if he likes it, then that's all that matters--he should do what he likes, and not do things just to fit in with other people. He agreed with that, and he went to school this morning with his green hair, styled the way he likes it. I can't even begin to describe how proud I am of him!


 I started saying "yes" more

I used to turn down so many opportunities simply because they were outside of my comfort zone. As a shy introvert, I feel safe and comfortable at home; but because of this, I didn't even give new opportunities a chance.

I always feel awkward in social situations, unless it's just myself and one or two other people. So, if I was invited to do things in a large group, I would rather have just said no than to let it stress me out. When I decided to pursue my happiest life, I also decided that I would say yes to things outside of my comfort zone--otherwise, how would I know what would make me happy if I didn't try new things?

An example of this is when my friend Jessica asked me if I wanted to go on a party bus to Greektown Casino in Detroit. This was the ultimate test for me--riding on a bus full of people where I don't know a single soul except for Jessica, and going to a casino as well as walking around downtown on a Saturday night? Totally unlike me. But I immediately said yes.

Right before I lost $20 in 30 seconds on the Wheel of Fortune slot

Jessica admitted she was totally shocked when I agreed. And I knew I was probably the last friend on her list that she would ask, simply because she expected me to say no.

I actually had a really great time! I still felt awkward around people I didn't know, but I know that putting myself in situations like that will help me to feel more comfortable down the road. Maybe someday, I'll even be good at small talk... who knows? ;)


 I simply stopped doing things that didn't make me happy

The most obvious example of this is running. Last year, I became so tired of running; I dreaded it every day. I had run for seven years, and I just wanted to stop. But I'm "Runs for Cookies"! Who would I be if I wasn't a runner?

I struggled with this decision quite a bit, and it was very hard to formally make the decision (let alone make that decision public). But once it was out in the open, holy cow--I felt an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders. I didn't have to pressure myself to run each day, come up with new goals, or set PR's. It was awesome!

(As you know, I have recently started running again, and I'm actually very happy about it. I needed that long break--eight months--to feel rejuvenated and excited about running again.)

See how excited I am to be running again?!

Another thing that I stopped doing is binge eating. This one was tricky, because I've never been able to make the decision to "just stop" when it comes to food. But for a few months, I constantly asked myself (about almost everything I did) if it made me happy. And binge eating never made me happy.

During a binge, I felt okay because I just didn't care about anything in that moment. Afterward, however, I felt so much self-hatred for it. There was never a part about binge eating that actually made me HAPPY. It either numbed me or made me hate myself.

There have been several times over the last eight months that I have found myself starting to think that I wanted to binge--usually out of boredom or because I feel some sort of uncomfortable emotion (almost always anxiety). Where I would usually struggle with myself for a while, going back and forth in my head about whether or not to do it, now I just remind myself that it's not something that makes me happy. It never has been, and never will be. Since it doesn't make me happy, there is no reason for doing it.

What is the point of doing anything if it doesn't make you happy? There are a few circumstances where it's appropriate (or necessary) to do things we don't want to--like going to work, for example. Maybe work doesn't make us happy, but we know we have to do it. In that case, we just make the best of it that we can.

Another example of this would be housework. I can't say that cleaning out the litter box or scrubbing the shower makes me happy; but I do feel happy when my house is clean. Prior to this pursuit of my happiest life, my house wasn't filthy, but it certainly wasn't clean most of the time. We had things strewn about here and there; laundry would pile up until it was unavoidable; you could make a safe bet that the sink always had several dirty dishes inside; and many other things.

I can't explain why, but I could never relax and enjoy myself when my house was messy. It nagged at the back of my mind, and the obvious answer would be to just clean the house. It felt overwhelming and pointless, though, because it was just going to get messy again the second my kids got home from school.

When I started doing what makes me happy, I had to look at things like housework as one degree away from happiness. Certain household chores most certainly didn't make me happy, but having a clean house always makes me very happy.

Just Luke and me, admiring how clean the house is

If someone unexpectedly stops by my house, I don't have to feel embarrassed or apologize for the mess. If we make plans for company, I don't have to spend a full day or two beforehand deep cleaning the house. THOSE are the things that make me happy, and that makes the dreadful chores worth it.

Also, I discovered that there are a lot of chores that I actually do enjoy: organizing closets, drawers, cupboards, etc; folding clothes; vacuuming; cleaning the windows; weeding the landscape; dusting; and several others. I will never enjoy washing pots and pans or cleaning the litter box, however ;)

---

So, the first step to doing things that make me happy was to really step back and look at what was making happy and what wasn't. I eliminated the (unnecessary) things that didn't make me happy; and as for the things that I have to do regardless of whether I want to or not, I looked at them from a degree or two away. These changes have made such a huge difference in my life.

I'm sure there are many things that I've forgotten to include on this short list (yet very long post), but these are some of the best transformations I've made for myself. I'm the happiest I've been in the longest I can remember, and it's not due to external factors--it's all from things that I've worked on inside of myself.

As cheesy as it sounds, I've learned that true happiness really does have to come from within--nobody else can make me happy; nor can money, objects, or just expecting things to happen on their own. I had to make changes to the way I was looking at or doing things in order to find joy in them.

So, the pursuit to my happiest life continues, but I am clearly off to a running start (no pun intended); and I feel liberated in a way I've never felt before :)

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How I'm (Finally) Maintaining My Goal Weight

A question I've been getting a lot this year has been what I've been doing to 1) Get back down to my goal weight; and 2) Maintain my goal weight for the last five months.

I've been reluctant to write about this, because you all know my history with weight loss/gain/maintenance. Remember that Oprah show where she walked onto stage pulling a wagon that held the amount of fat she'd lost? She was at her thinnest, and she did a big "reveal" that day at her goal weight. And then she gained it all back in the critical public eye.

It's been seven years since reaching my goal weight, and while I haven't gained back all (or even half) of the weight I lost, I still struggle with large weight fluctuations (nearly 30 pounds). So I guess I've been concerned that as soon as I write about what I've been doing to maintain my goal weight, all will be undone and you'll watch me gain it all back. Let's hope that's not the case!

And I honestly don't have anything magical to share, anyway. Nothing I'm going to write is something you haven't read at least a dozen times somewhere. But it's working for me--at least for now--so I might as well write about it. Maybe something will strike a chord and be helpful to someone else.

For a quick refresher timeline:

I was in my deepest depression in late 2016/early 2017, and my weight showed it--I can't remember exactly what my weight got up to, but I think it was around 160. I had spent nearly 10 months in a very long and dark depressive episode. That episode was the worst I've ever had.

This bird became my buddy at a very crucial time in my depression;
I cannot stress enough how perfect the timing was for that bird to find me!

I was trying different antidepressants while I waited for an appointment with a psychiatrist. Nothing was working. In early April, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and started new medication. It made a world of difference for me. I came out of my depression.

I finally had the courage to be myself. I "came out" to my friends and family about the bipolar disorder, and began making decisions that made ME happy--regardless of what anyone else thought.

It was around March that I realized that I was dreading running, so I went on an indefinite hiatus.

I also lost the urge to binge eat. I had been using food to self-medicate; and with a stable mood, I didn't need to do that anymore. I continued the habits I had used to lose the weight during my previous hypomanic episode, but I stopped counting calories.

So, there is a rough timeline of the events that have had an impact on my weight this year. That said, I'll try to explain exactly what I've been doing and the habits I've developed to reach and maintain my goal weight.

Like I said, I have no idea if this will be a "permanent" loss--we all know I've reached goal before only to gain back 30 pounds, so this may just be another of those episodes. But somehow, I feel like this is different. Just the diagnosis of bipolar disorder has helped me to understand my use of food to change my mood, and I've gotten good at recognizing it (and preventing emotional eating).

1) I eat only foods that I love. I don't follow a specific diet plan, or cut back on particular food groups. I literally eat anything at all that sounds good to me at the moment. I want to enjoy my food, and by enjoying everything I'm eating, I don't feel the need to overeat--I am satisfied with much less food overall.

2) I keep my portions minimal. I never really realized just how little food it takes to satisfy me until I started eating this way. I don't measure out my portions, but I try to imagine the size of my stomach and keep my meals to that size. Typically, I think this translates to about one cup of condensed food (the space the food would take up after eating it).

Much smaller (and cheaper!) frozen yogurt than I ever used to get

When doing Weight Watchers or counting calories, I always wanted to get the "most bang for my buck", so to speak--eating a lot of lower-calorie foods so that I could eat as much as I could while staying within my calorie range. Now, I just focus on the size of my meals and I don't worry about the calories at all. Richer foods make me feel full pretty quickly, and they are much more mentally satisfying.

A small portion of sweet and sour chicken with an egg roll

I have tried this sort of portion control ("intuitive eating") many times in the past, but wasn't successful with it. I never seemed to know when to stop eating. This time around, I have learned little ways to be more successful at it, so I'll try and explain those the best that I can:

I learned (through trial and error) approximately how much food it will take to satisfy me (where I feel just barely full--where I know if I eat more, I'm going to be uncomfortable).

I started by eating the recommended serving size of foods, and then adjusting that over a period of a few weeks, based on whether I was hungry shortly after eating, had enough energy, etc.

Now, I can look at my food and pretty accurately guess how much I will need to eat in order to feel satisfied. Like I wrote above, I learned that it takes approximately one cup of condensed food to make me feel just barely full. This amount obviously will vary greatly from person to person, though.

Yesterday, for example, Noah made hamburgers for dinner. They weren't enormous burgers, but I could tell that by looking at the density and size of the burger, there was no way I was going to need to eat all of it--my guess was about 3/4 of it, maybe a few bites more. I ended up eating about 3/4 of it, stopping when my stomach was feeling just barely full.

I don't have a set of "rules" that specify the amount I'm "allowed" to eat; I just listen to the little voice inside of me that says I've had enough. Usually, I know I've had enough when the food just doesn't "excite" me anymore (when I first start eating a cookie, for example, it's SO amazing--but with each bite, it gets a little less amazing. I don't want to waste the calories or stomach space on something that just doesn't taste as great as it did when I was hungry).

Continuing to eat beyond satisfaction is very uncomfortable for me, and I obviously would like to avoid that feeling. I would rather stop eating a little short of full than to feel bloated and stuffed. So I err on the side of caution.

By serving myself what looks like the correct portion for my stomach, and/or making a mental note about how much I think I'll need to feel satisfied, I don't have to constantly think about my level of fullness. I always hated this about trying to eat intuitively. The books all tell you to keep in check with your stomach and ask yourself with each bite whether you're still hungry. That's too much thinking to enjoy my food! Making a mental note and/or serving the correct portion takes the thinking out of it.

I also know (from trial and error/experience) that rich foods satisfy me more quickly than blander foods, so I need to eat less of them. For example, I make the most amazing fettuccine Alfredo, which is loaded with fat from butter, heavy cream, and parmesan cheese. One cup of it does not look like much in a bowl, but usually it only takes about 3/4 of a cup to make me feel comfortably full. Eating more than that feels like it's too rich; and like I said above, eating beyond that point makes the food taste not nearly as good as the first few bites did.

Moving on...

3) I eat only four times per day: breakfast between 6:30 and 8:00 (depending on how my morning goes); lunch between 11:30 and 1:30 (again, depending on my schedule for the day); dinner between 4:00 and 7:00; and a treat/snack between 8:00 and 9:00.

4) People have asked me how I deal with hunger between meals. By eating the correct portion size, I do get hungry before my next meal--but I prefer it that way. My food tastes so much better when I'm hungry! That said, I don't want to be starving an hour after a meal, either. I like to start feeling hungry about an hour before my next meal. I've learned that with the portion sizes I eat, it's pretty much right on target as far as how long I can go before being hungry again.

5) I pretty much stopped drinking alcohol. This was not due to trying to lose weight, but rather due to my bipolar disorder. When reading about bipolar, I recognized some of the symptoms in myself regarding alcohol--when I am hypomanic, I tend to drink more because I typically go out more frequently, socialize more, and use food and alcohol for "fun" reasons (which isn't really a good thing). On the other hand, when I'm in a depressed state, alcohol makes me feel more social, less anxious, and loosened up. It sounds good, but can lead to a big alcohol problem.

Alcohol can trigger hypomania and/or depression, and I certainly don't want that; so, I typically avoid alcohol altogether. The first couple of months were difficult, because I was so used to drinking in social situations. I felt out of place at parties or out with friends, but I got used to it and I don't feel uncomfortable with it anymore. If anything, I miss the idea of having a glass of wine with a girlfriend, or margaritas with Mexican food, or things like that, rather than the actual alcohol itself.

(I'm not sure if giving up drinking has played a role in my weight loss/maintenance directly, but it has certainly helped me to eat less calories. Drinking would loosen me up enough to make me not care so much about eating more snacks, which obviously meant more calories.)

I have had alcohol on a handful of occasions over the last eight months or so, and each time, it has made me feel bloated and uncomfortable. It has also triggered hypomania, which has made me conclude that I would be best just avoiding it altogether. My psychiatrist has said that a little is okay here and there, but that people react differently to it, so I just need to be aware of that. I think avoidance is best for me.

6) I don't force myself to exercise, but I do try to stay active. When I stopped running, I just wanted a break from always "training" for stuff. Exercise had become a chore that I was dreading all the time, so I stopped the formal exercise.

Instead, I look for ways to stay active in everyday life. I do a lot of deep cleaning at home (cleaning and organizing a closet takes a surprising amount of work! And I'm always sore the next day.) I still park as far from the entrance to buildings as possible. I take the stairs, even if it's six flights. I go for walks (easy strolls) with Joey and/or friends. I coach(ed) cross country.

Hiking is one of my favorite things to do when I go to Portland!

Basically, I avoid sitting (other than when I work on my blog or relax with the family in the evenings). This is probably not enough to get in good shape, but it's enough for my mental health right now. I would love to start running again when I'm ready, or find another form of exercise that I really enjoy enough to do regularly.

7) Finally, I have been doing what makes me happy and avoiding things that don't make me happy. By being a happier person in general, I am more satisfied with my food, my body, my weight, and my health. I believe that feeling good mentally plays a big role in my weight--it always has in the past (this could just be due to my bipolar, but Jerry has noticed that when he is happier, the weight comes off more easily as well).

Clearly, I was very excited about this doughnut and cider, haha

So, hopefully this answers the questions I've gotten about how I've lost and maintained my weight this year. Like I said, it's nothing new or mind-blowing; just some common sense and intuition that I never realized I had.

As always, I fully believe that everybody should find habits, food plans, and exercise plans that work for them as individuals; just because something works for me doesn't mean it will work for others. And vice versa. It's taken 35 years for me to learn that my body actually does have intuition when it comes to eating!

I certainly hope that this way of eating will continue to work well for me. I am very happy with my diet (I use the term "diet" to mean "a way of eating"; not "a weight loss plan"). I still don't miss running, although on a few occasions, I have found myself thinking that it might be nice to get back into it and train for a 5K or something. It's very nice not to feel the pressure to do so, however.

In fact, it's been fantastic not to feel pressure about anything right now! I have finally realized and accepted that life is too short to worry about the number on the scale or on the tag of my jeans. If I maintain a reasonable weight, stay moderately active, and enjoy my diet, then I am one happy camper! ;)


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