What Hypomania Feels Like (to me)

I was going to take a "mental health day" from blogging today; my anxiety has been really bad ever since I started feeling the onset of a hypomanic episode, and today I just wanted to work on a project with all of my focus so I don't think about anything else. But that is classic hypomanic behavior...

"Hey I'm just gonna stay up until 4 AM so I can fine-tune this miter saw until the 90 degree angles are PERFECT because right now they are at least 0.003 inches off of square and how am I supposed to make anything at all if the cuts aren't precisely 90 degrees? I might as well just pitch the whole thing in the fire pit and forget about woodworking altogether because how am I ever going to be good at it with angles that are off by a titanic 0.003 inches? That's shoddy work and I don't want to be known for doing shoddy work and if I just work on this tonight I know I can square up the cuts by morning!"

(I hope you know that I am saying this with tongue-in-cheek... but that's basically how hypomanic/manic thoughts work.)

Which leads me to this post. I may have written about this before, but since this is what's going on with me right now, I thought it appropriate to write about how hypomania FEELS. For the 99% of the population who don't have bipolar disorder, here is a description of what it's like for me. (It varies from person to person. I'm just writing about MY experience.)

If you're not familiar with the term "hypomania", it's an episode of bipolar disorder that is a slightly milder form of mania. Hypomania does not involve psychosis or delusions or require hospitalization. (I wrote a lot about bipolar disorder on the post where I "came out" with my diagnosis--you can find that post here.)

I'm SO ANNOYED by absolutely everything right now (by "right now", I mean much of the time during an episode of hypomania). When I'm hypomanic, my senses go into overdrive and it makes me crazy (well, crazier than I already am). Every single noise is magnified and trying to concentrate on something is impossible with all the noises going on.

Right now, just trying to write this, I hear Eli in the kitchen getting ice water--the ice cubes clanging around--while Joey's nails click on the floor as he follows Eli around. I hear the hum of the refrigerator and one of the cats walking around the living room. I hear the fan from my ice machine. I hear Noah across the house talking to his friends online. And I even hear my own heart beating.

The worst part is that all of the noises are at the same sound level--I don't know how or why this happens, but each of those noises is 10 times louder than normal and I couldn't even tell you which is the loudest.

Noah has a cold and he's been blowing his nose a lot--it is all I can do not to rip my ears from my head and throw them in the garbage disposal just so I don't have to hear that noise anymore.

My sense of touch is also heightened, and not in a good way. My clothes irritate my skin, but even my bare skin is irritated by the air around it. (I know how weird that sounds.) 

I also can't focus on anything. I know that contradicts what I wrote about wanting to work on a single project; basically, I get super focused on one thing at a time and I put all of my energy and effort into it, but at the same time, I can't focus on anything other than that. And then I get really annoyed when something distracts me from what I'm TRYING TO concentrate on.

This morning, for example, Eli showed me his geometry homework and said he thought it was dumb--that it didn't have anything to do with geometry. He was given a worksheet of logic puzzles (you know the ones that you read clues and you have to fill in the grid to solve the puzzle?). Well, I LOVE those things. I have even bought books of them to work on back before playing games on my phone and stuff like that. Eli said it was extra credit so he didn't have to do it, but I told him I wanted to do it.

So I grabbed the paper and was excited to work on it (at first, I was going to show him how to do it, but he had no interest in learning). Within 15 seconds, I knew I wasn't going to be able to do it because of all the noises. The house wasn't any louder than usual, but because of the hypomania, all I could focus on was the noise around me.

Another symptom that I experience with hypomania is anxiety. I have generalized anxiety disorder and anxiety is always there, waiting below the surface, but when I'm hypomanic it decides that it's a great time to mess with me. So I feel really uneasy and anxious without knowing why.

There are some good things about hypomania (although they don't outweigh the bad, in my opinion): I have lots of energy; I get in the mood to clean everything ten times over; I feel a higher sense of self-esteem; and I get super talkative. As a quiet, shy person, sometimes I really wish I was more outgoing and talkative. Hypomania makes me feel like I need to tell someone all the ideas and thoughts I have.

A lot of times I'll be talking to Jerry for a while and he's just staring at me with an amused look on his face. I'll finally ask him why he's looking at me like that. And he laughs and tells me that I'm talking a mile a minute and where on earth are all these thoughts and ideas coming from?

I also get very excited about all sorts of new projects and plans. I make lists of all sorts of things--as fast as I can write them. I come up with lots of plans and ideas (and sometimes I actually do them). 

In that sense, hypomania can be kind of fun. If it didn't involve all the other stuff I mentioned, I'd really enjoy it, actually. But the anxiety and the hypersensitivity cancel it out.

I'm on medication to manage bipolar symptoms and the meds actually do work wonders. Having episodes of both hypomania and depression are pretty much inevitable, though. The medication makes the episodes milder and much less frequent, but they do happen. Sometimes an increase or decrease in the dosage of my medication helps, but usually I just ride it out. 

Another big benefit to the medication is that I recognize what is happening now and I can also control my reactions. The noises, for example--when I'm trying to concentrate but the noises are totally overwhelming, I don't overreact and take it out on other people. I just deal with it silently, knowing that it will go away eventually. Before medication, I most definitely did not stay calm. 

Before my diagnosis and medication, my hypomanic episodes would last for months; then they were followed by depression, which lasted just as long (if not longer).

Now, though, the episodes usually last less than a couple of weeks. I can't wait for my irritability to go away! It would be nice if I could keep my excessive motivation and energy, though ;)

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Trying Out a Light Therapy Lamp

I did another bike ride today instead of C25K and walking, because my toe is still painful, but it's feeling a LOT better than it did a few days ago! It was hard to make myself go out to ride my bike today, though, because it's so cold. Yesterday it was in the 50's and then today I saw snow flurries. I can't wait for the weather to warm up! I miss opening all the garage doors and working on projects out there.

I mentioned yesterday that I've been in a really good mood recently. I've been working on healthier habits--not just diet and exercise, but sleep, more positive thinking, drinking lots of water, less procrastinating, and things like that. I always thought positive affirmations were kind of hokey, but I even decided to give those a try.

I also decided to finally try out a "light therapy lamp". This is another thing that sounded kind of ridiculous to me, even though several people have commented on past posts that I should try it. Light therapy lamps are meant to simulate sunlight, which helps people with seasonal depression (or "winter blues") from lack of sunlight.

I've always loved overcast weather and you will never find me lying in the sun. I just don't enjoy being outside in the sun. Until a few years ago, I always thrived during the fall and winter as far as depression goes. In retrospect, I would usually get hypomanic in the fall and then depressed in the spring. Since starting my medication for bipolar, however, things have changed.

I've been feeling depressed in the winter months and somewhat-hypomanic in the summer. The hypomania is nothing like it used to be before my meds, thankfully, but the depression can get bad. I've been trying to look for patterns to figure out something to help, and I finally decided to give the light therapy a try. It can't hurt! (There are no UV rays on the one I bought.)

I wasn't sure which one to buy, so I just went with the #1 bestseller on Amazon, which was this one (Amazon affiliate link). [Update: The original link I had was broken. This link goes to the one that is closest to what I have. Surprisingly, it's super cheap compared to a lot of others!] This is what it looks like:

I got the light therapy lamp last week and was very skeptical, but like I said--no harm in trying. I sat down in the morning to read my book and I turned the therapy light on, placing it at about the 10:00 position from where I was sitting. It's VERY bright (it comes with three settings, and I used the brightest, of course--I'm kind of an all-or-nothing person, if you hadn't noticed, haha). At first, I thought, "This looks nothing like sunlight!" but I found that as I was reading my book, the light didn't feel so "fake".

And, most shocking to me, I actually felt really good. I got a burst of energy and I cleaned the heck out of my closet (bagging up all of the clothes that are too small). I prepped dinner so that it would be easy to cook later. I even put together the sourdough starter to make Amish Friendship Bread. I didn't attribute the energy to the light therapy at that point, though--I just assumed it was a coincidence.

Over the last several days, I've used it for about an hour each morning while I read... and I am 100% convinced that it has helped my mood. Jerry even asked me why I was so "chipper" today, hahaha. Being in a better mood in general helps with so many other things and it makes the healthy habits I've been working on feel that much easier.

I think it's too early to say for sure that my good mood is due to the therapy lamp, but I am pretty convinced. I'm definitely nowhere near as skeptical as I was before. I'm going to continue to use it and see how it goes. (Feel free to say "I told you so!" ;)  I really wish I'd tried it years ago.)

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Mental Health Struggles

After several months of having a very stable mood, I've gotten really emotional lately--up and down much more frequently. Usually, a hypomanic state can last for months for me; the same with depression. Lately, however, my mood has been shifting so much--sometimes within a single day.

Sometimes I think I'm hypomanic, feeling fantastic, only to feel legitimately depressed just a day later. I was supposed to see my psychiatrist last month, but with the quarantine, he wasn't seeing patients. So, I have an appointment in a couple of weeks, and I can talk to him about it then.

Even with bipolar medications, it's typical for people with bipolar to have periods of hypomania and depression--just not as severe or as frequent. And that's been accurate for me ever since I was diagnosed and started the meds in 2017.

I haven't been feeling the major extremes of either emotion, but I'm definitely noticing the abnormal ups and downs. Not knowing what kind of mood I'm going to be in, and switching from laughing to crying within a single conversation, is pretty exhausting.

Also, I had my anxiety under control for a long time (still feeling it--it'll never go away completely-- but nothing like I used to). However, the last week or so it has gotten bad again. Today was the worst. My chest felt tight, and I had a horrible lump in my throat (that always happens when I have anxiety). I felt very restless but unproductive at the same time.

I even took some of my anxiety meds that I hate taking because they make me gain weight. (I'm instructed to take them as needed, not as part of a daily regime.) But the anxiety was so bad that I didn't care. (Why does it seem like all mood disorder medications cause weight gain?!)

I'm hoping it's just been a rough patch that will go away soon. Now that the quarantine is slowly being lifted, I have to once again change my daily routine, and I think that might be what is causing the issues with my mood.

On a positive note, I finished hanging the drywall in the garage yesterday! It was such a relief to finally get that done. The whole garage is now insulated and drywalled (including the ceiling). It doesn't look good right now, because I still have to tape and mud all the seams, but I'll take some pictures anyway.

It's amazing how much of a difference the insulation and drywall makes in the overall temperature in the garage. It doesn't feel hot and stuffy in there anymore. I am super excited to get the mudding done so that I can prime and then paint!

I'm planning to start taping and mudding tomorrow. It's super intimidating because there are a LOT of seams! I haven't mudded the seams of a ceiling before, so I hope I'm able to do a good job with it. I'm a pro at doing the seams where the wall meets the ceiling, because I did that around my entire house.

I'll end this post with a super cute photo I took of Joey, Chick, and Duck today. Joey's such a good dog! ;)

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Weight Loss Anxiety: The Monkey On My Back

Oh man, last night's post... haha! I woke up and immediately went to read it because I wondered if it even made any sense. I was deliriously tired and could barely keep my eyes open. I think the lack of sleep finally caught up with me yesterday. I started to write my post and then fell asleep while writing. When I woke up, I was in a total fog.

I really wish that I was able to sleep like a "normal" person. I wake up at roughly the same time every day (6:30-7:30-ish?) no matter what time I go to bed. So the logical reasoning would be to go to bed earlier. But my mind and body are just NOT tired. Reading a book usually helps, but I just can't find one that is pulling me in right now. I need to start a fast-paced thriller.

Anyway, I started to write this post yesterday, but after falling asleep, I knew I couldn't finish it, and I saved it for today...

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Yesterday, I woke up with a sore throat. It wasn't so much "sore" as it just felt like I had a big lump in throat and it was hard to swallow. This happens a lot when I have bad anxiety.

Lately, I've been feeling anxious quite a bit. It's the kind of anxiety that has no rhyme or reason... it just is. It's there all the time, and it's frustrating to try to figure out what is going on. I even shared this video on Facebook to demonstrate what it's like to live with constant anxiety, and while it's hilarious, I think it's pretty accurate! (If you watch with sound on, it's even better)



Watching this video is as close I can get to describing what anxiety feels like!

Anyway, the "monkey on my back" is what's really making my anxiety flare up--and that "monkey", as stupid as it sounds, is my weight.

The higher my weight climbs, the worse my anxiety gets. I may not think of my anxiety being related to my weight, but when all is said and done, I know that it really is. Having a blog that has been known as a "weight loss blog" for nearly a decade feels like I'm a fraud. I can't give advice to the many people that ask me for advice, because I just haven't found the answers yet. And I probably never will!

Here it is, 10 years after losing 120+ pounds, and I still haven't found the answers.

Every day, I wake up thinking that this is the day that I'm going to turn things around (something I remember very well from when I was 250+ pounds) and then sometime during the day, I make the decision to "just start tomorrow". This alone causes me anxiety, because it's something I always used to tell myself!

"Just starting tomorrow" is a fad diet way of thinking. And I don't do fad diets. The only time I was successful at losing the weight was when I made the decision not to do anything I wasn't willing to do for the rest of my life. (Those things may change, but the fact remains that I shouldn't do anything temporarily just to lose weight.)

I have given it a try countless times in the past couple of years to get back on the wagon and eat well and exercise. I may manage for one day, maybe two... a whole WEEK if I'm lucky and well prepared. But that stupid monkey on my back is always there.

I never stop thinking about my weight, and it's SO STUPID--I know that. Logically, the thought of having my weight on my mind all the time is ridiculous! But I just can't help it. After all these years of people noticing and talking about my weight loss, I know that it's obvious I've gained weight. Nobody says anything about it, but they have to be thinking it when they see me.

The photo below is from a recent game night with friends via Skype. I was super self-conscious when seeing them for the first time in forever. Luckily, they are the kind of friends that don't care the slightest bit what my weight is.

I know I sound like a broken record by saying that I want to get back at it; I want to lose the excess weight; I want to feel my BEST again. However, I just can't seem to get my mindset to where it needs to be in order to follow through.

Jerry and I have this inside joke where we say, "Just throw strikes!" when people say things like "Just think positive!" or "Don't worry about it!" Because in watching our kids play baseball through the years, I can't tell you how many times I have heard coaches tell the pitchers to "throw strikes".

Well, DUH--what do you think the pitcher is TRYING to do?! So, when people tell you not to worry about something, it's like telling a pitcher to throw strikes. I'm TRYING not worry about my weight, but it's just that monkey on my back that won't let go.

I've written goals up to my eyeballs, I've planned out my diet and exercise for days, weeks... and I just can't seem to stick with it. I have a case of the "fuck its"--"Oh, fuck it, I'll just start over tomorrow". And even though I can clearly see this, when it comes to following through I fail miserably.

I have this nagging thought in the back of my mind that pops up quite frequently. I know that my weight shouldn't control my life; I know that my weight gain doesn't make me less of a person; I KNOW that I shouldn't care what other people think. But it's a lot easier said than done.

Because my weight loss has been so public, I feel like my weight GAIN is going to be just as public. Most polite people won't say anything about it, but I think it's pretty obvious and hard not to notice. Sometimes I want to mention it just so that they don't think I'm in denial.

I'm really starting to get worried that I'll never find my determination again. I want to be as disciplined as I used to be. I miss that sense of control. Right now, I feel like everything in my life is out of control and it's stressing me out.

I think a big part of it is that everything feels so difficult in the beginning. I've gotten used to eating junk food and skipping the healthier foods I used to eat--my palate has literally changed so that I don't enjoy those healthier foods anymore.

I also used to love to cook and grocery shop. Over the past couple of years, I've gotten to the point where I hate doing both of those things.

Running feels so hard. What used to be a piece of cake (running a 9:00 minute mile) now seems impossible. Running a 12:00 minute mile feels difficult! I honestly don't care about my pace right now--I'm completely over the mentality of "I used to be fast!"--my biggest desire is to run regularly and have the easy runs feel easy again. I want to feel like I'm making progress.

With running feeling so hard right now, it seems overwhelming to get back into a routine.

I'm tired of talking about losing weight and my goals and not really putting into action the plans that I make. So, I've come up with some solutions that may make things easier. I'm not saying I'm committing to these right now, but I'm trying to problem solve a little.

1) I don't HAVE to run. I can always do a walking program to get back in the habit of going out and exercising. It'll feel easier and maybe I'll eventually choose to add some running. That's exactly what happened when I was losing weight in 2009-2010.

In 2010, I think I weighed about 160 in the picture below. Jeanie and I walked the Indy Mini (a half-marathon) together. I trained for it by walking for 12 weeks. Walking is good exercise, and shouldn't be discounted. At the beginning of training, walking five miles felt tough! My feet were killing me. But walking the half-marathon wasn't bad at all--nothing like the previous two years. You can read about them here: 2008, 2009, and 2010.

2) I can make a menu for the week that is very simple to cook. Things that I don't have to spend 20 minutes prepping and use a bunch of dishes and make a mess in the kitchen. Grilled cheese and tomato soup is easy!

3) I can designate Jerry and the kids to each cook one day a week. That way, I'm only cooking for four days instead of seven.

4) I can slowly adjust my palate back to healthier foods. When losing weight in 2009-2010, I was still eating junk food--just smaller portions. I also made a couple of healthier changes (like having grapes instead of chips with my sandwich).

5) Eat at regular intervals--I do best with eating four times a day, four hours apart.

6) I really don't like making lunch, and a lot of times I'll just skip it and then eat way too much at night. So I can start buying frozen meals that I actually enjoy (yes, there are some good ones!) and eat those for lunch. They are simple and I don't have to cook--I can just throw them in the microwave.

7) I can make ahead meals for the slow cooker (and freeze them) so that I can just take it out of the freezer and throw it in the slow cooker and not worry about cooking that day. When our kitchen was torn apart for remodeling, I spent one Sunday prepping TWENTY meals for the slow cooker. We discovered some recipes that we really liked!

8) Drink more water. I know that I am chronically dehydrated and I really dislike the way it makes me feel. The solution is obvious--drink more water! I used to drink three quarts a day out of sheer habit. This should be an easy change to make. Even if I don't change anything else, I think this will be helpful and I'll feel better.

So, those are just some solutions that I think will make me feel better about myself. I think if I do some of theses, I'll get rid of a lot of this anxiety, too. Making positive changes always makes me feel good.

I don't want this post to sound negative--I really don't. I just wanted to write about my anxiety getting worse as my weight goes up. An introspection.

And after writing this, I wonder if it's not just my weight, but my actual lifestyle that causes the increase in anxiety. If I was eating better and exercising, I'm sure my anxiety would decrease dramatically even if my weight doesn't change.

I'm going to think about a couple of changes I can make that will help me to feel better about it. To feel like I'm at least doing SOMETHING. The weight isn't going to lose itself. And how can running get any easier if I'm not putting in the effort to do it? If I don't make any changes, nothing is going to change!

For the next three days, I'm going to have two goals:
1) Drink 2 quarts of water
2) Go for a walk or run on each of the three days (even if it's just a mile)

That's it! If I can't do that, then I have bigger problems than I thought ;)

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Dealing With Bipolar Hypomania

I've been thinking lately that I may be hypomanic. I've been trying to be more aware of my mood shifts, and lately, I've really been experiencing some symptoms of hypomania.

Examples:

*Adopting two kittens. I can't say this is totally crazy, but I've always said we wouldn't get more cats until Phoebe and Estelle have passed away.

*Taking on multiple projects. Without taking the time to really plan things out carefully, I ordered the insulation and drywall and just went to town on the garage. I had no idea what a big project it would turn into! But because I love working on a project all day long until I can do as much as possible, it hasn't taken too long to get the insulation and drywall up. I finished the fourth wall yesterday, and now it's time for the ceiling (so help me God).

*I've also contacted a couple of contractors to get an estimate for building a large concrete porch. This is something I've wanted for YEARS now, and this is the perfect time to do it. Our porch is a death trap right now because it's so old and falling apart. I've looked into building a new one myself, but concrete is just one project I don't really want to try myself right now ;) 

*Another project I took on was sewing face masks. I love to sew, and it seemed so simple. It's really not hard to make them, but they take a long time for each one because it's meticulous adding the pipe cleaner and then sewing the hair ties in to hook it around your ears. Each one takes me roughly an hour to make, and today I completed about 40 more (in total, I've made about 125!). That's a LOT of time spent working on masks!

And to make matters worse, NOBODY has received the ones that I mailed on Monday. I am getting really worried. I don't want to mail out more just yet, because I'll be horrified it they got lost. All of that time wasted! (I did call the post office today, and they said that shipping has been very slow; that if there was a problem with the shipping cost, they would have been returned right way. So, if you're expecting a mask from me, it *should* arrive soon!)

Meanwhile, I made another batch... there are about 40 here. Once I find out if the others have reached their destinations, I'll give these ones away, too, for a small (optional) donation.

*I've been spending a little too much money lately, too (another symptom of hypomania). We have the extra money right now (since we canceled our San Francisco trip AND we had to cancel Eli's school trip to Washington D.C., we got some large refunds (I requested a refund from Delta instead of Delta credit, and they agreed--it took some finagling with the credit card company, but it was nice to get that refunded). 

Anyway, I bought the new Brooklinen sheets, a Cricut (which I still haven't opened), and a woodworking tool (it wasn't crazy expensive--about $80). I can't say that I regret the purchases, but I definitely want to reel it in because we need to save that extra money in case Jerry is laid off. They laid off about 60-70% of people in the plant, and he was one of the lucky ones to keep his job. (He's a fantastic employee, so I'm sure it wasn't just "luck".)

I have to say, though the Brooklinen sheets were 100% worth the money. Jerry even said that he's sleeping better since we got them!

*I also keep making plans and not following through (this isn't super new--I tend to do this a lot!--but lately it's been worse than usual). I have been making numerous attempts at weight loss, but I just can't seem to stick to it. I'm not even trying any crazy diets or anything--I can't even just stick to counting calories.

*My eating schedule has been all over the place. Usually, I go all day without eating because I keep myself so busy, and then I just eat way too much at night when I finally chill. When I'm hypomanic, I usually don't have an appetite. And I used to lose weight pretty easily while hypomanic--but apparently my mood stabilizers are stabilizing me just enough to keep that from happening.

*Running is another one. I have a schedule written out to get back to running, and I'll follow it for a couple of days and then quit. Over and over. If I'm going to run the half-marathon with Adam in October, I really need to build up a solid base again. So, I get ambitious and make training plans and then I don't follow through.

*My sleep has been an issue, too. I want to stay up all night long because I feel like I don't need any sleep! I made plans to try to get on a good sleeping schedule, but the weekend really messed that up (Jerry was off work, so we stayed up later). 

There are parts of hypomania that I enjoy--the excess energy, getting a LOT done (drywalling, sewing masks, working out all of the financial stuff for our canceled trips, etc.) The parts that aren't so fun are the insane irritability and quick mood shifts. 

I actually haven't an appointment with my psychiatrist next week, so I'll talk to him about it. The hypomania isn't TOO bad, so I don't know that we'll change up my meds. I really think that if I can make a daily schedule and stick to it, I'll do better. Routine is SO CRUCIAL when dealing with bipolar disorder. 

Maybe when my school-year routine changed, it triggered the hypomania. My life is all over the place right now! Mainly by drowning myself in projects. And I'm not complaining--I love having the time to work on projects that I'm interested in! Right now, I'm dying to finish my garage so that I can build a desk with Noah. 

Anyways, over the last couple of days, I've been thinking that maybe I am hypomanic. And after writing this out, I'm pretty sure the answer is yes! 

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A Blog Series of Favorite Posts #2: Mental Health/Illness

For the next week or so, I'm going to do a series of posts--I will share my favorite "oldies but goodies" from the past.

As you know, I LOVE writing lists. This is one I've been wanting to write for a long time, but it requires so much thought that I just have such a hard time deciding what to include on it! I have a lot of favorite posts over the years (as well as very cringey ones--maybe I'll do a list of those soon). I'd have to wear a paper bag over my head out of embarrassment ;)

As of the last few years, there have been lots of different categories on my blog: weight loss/gain/loss/gain; running; DIY/home improvement; mental health/illness; crafts; and just daily life in general. So, I think I'll separate these into categories to avoid having too many "favorite" posts in just one category.

I'll post just a few per day, so if you choose, you'll have time to read the posts. If I post them all at once, it would be way too overwhelming!

At the end, I will also include my most popular posts (which will likely be entirely different from my favorite posts) in case anyone is curious about those. First, though, my favorites...

Mental Health/Illness


Freeing Myself of the Anxiety of Social Media

I love love love this post. This is one of the most vulnerable posts I've ever written, spilling more about myself than ever before. And not giving a shit what others think of me! This post explains exactly how social media destroyed my life for a while and how I started taking back control. I still feel some of the feelings I wrote about here, but nothing like I used to. If you worry about what others think of you, definitely read this post!

7 Life Changes I've Made in Pursuit of Happiness

Once I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2017 and I started the correct medication for the first time in my life, I started a pursuit to my happiest life. I have so much to be grateful for! I tried to stop focusing on the negative and I pushed myself out of my comfort zone in order to pursue happiness. I'm a happier person today because of it. If you're struggling with depression, or just not feeling happy in general, I suggest reading this and trying out anything that jumps out at you.

A "Crazy" New Chapter in My Life

This is a doozy of a post, and I was terrified to write it. However, I got so many answers for the mental illness issues I was having, and I hoped that by writing it, I'd possibly help others who were going through something similar. I felt extremely vulnerable posting it (as I always do with mental illness) but I got SO much support that it remains one of my favorite posts to date.

Mental health/illness is a passion of mine, because it's something I've dealt with for my entire life. I am always open to talking/writing about it, so please feel free to ask me questions. I have other posts about it on my Mental Health page.

Tomorrows topic: Running! I hope you are enjoying reading these oldie but good posts.

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Thriving Despite Mental Illness: A guest post by my good friend Emily

I am so happy to finally share this story with you. First, a quick story of how I met Emily. Emily was/is a blog reader of mine, and one day a few years ago, I got an email from her asking if I'd like to get together for drinks or something because she was going to be in the general area. I had never spoken or heard a single word from her and knew nothing about her, but I said yes (perhaps I was hypomanic at the time!).

After I accepted her invitation, she emailed me a little about herself. Including the fact that she was bipolar.

I laugh at this now, because I remember thinking when I read that she was bipolar, "Oh no--should I cancel plans? What does this mean? How crazy is she really?" Because all I knew of bipolar was what they show in the movies and on TV.

However, I knew that would be a really crappy reason not to meet up, so I decided to go anyway. And I am so glad that I did! (It was only eight months later that I, myself, was diagnosed with bipolar.)

Emily was SO kind and funny and I couldn't believe how much we had in common. I knew that I wanted us to be friends. Here is a picture of the day we met:

At the time, Emily was the first person I'd ever known that had bipolar disorder. When I was diagnosed, she was the first person I told after Jerry. I was so shocked and unaccepting of the diagnosis at first, but as I came to terms with it, I felt better just talking to Emily and seeing that she was a "normal" person.

I had no idea at the time that I was meeting someone who was going to be a truly fantastic friend. Sometimes I go through periods where I just don't talk to people, because I'm going through episodes of depression or anxiety and I tend to close myself off from the world. But Emily is always my friend who checks in with me--I never have to ask. She's just there, anytime I need her.

Since we are two crazy peas in a crazier pod, I asked her to share her story here. As always, I like to bring awareness to mental illness to help get rid of the stigma surrounding it. (By the way, if anyone else has a story of mental illness--of any sort--that you'd like to share, please send me an email with a your suggestion for submitting a guest post.)

Anyway, here is Emily's "crazy" story, in her own words:

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The psychiatrists say I'm bipolar. I have bipolar 1 and ADHD, inattentive type. And PTSD, but that’s a whole other story. Man--that’s a lot of labels for who I am: a 31-year-old social worker who just celebrated my first wedding anniversary and is loving life as a newlywed in her southwest corner of Michigan.

Loving life is a pretty strong and also quite a general description. Life has its ups and downs, no doubt.

My story began when I was 18 and a freshman in college. My previously “normal” self had turned warp speed. I became hyper-obsessed with boys, and--well, just plain hyper in general. I had far too much energy for anyone my age.

Shit hit the fan, proverbially, when I became obsessed with the idea this outlandish idea that I had Down’s syndrome and that my parents had never told me. I thought that they hid it from me for my entire life, and I was just sorting it out. (This is called a delusion, and is a strong indicator of type 1 bipolar during a manic phase. Delusions are beliefs that are persistently held despite all evidence to the contrary.)

Freshman year of college was not an easy one. And it didn’t get much easier.

After that manic phase, I became severely depressed. It was so bad, I didn’t even read the seventh Harry Potter book right away when it was released; and for those who know how incredible Harry Potter is, that is shows just how bad of a state I was in.

I refused to shower. I refused to go out in public. I refused to do anything but stay in bed. I became a recluse. I almost didn’t go back to college, but in order to keep health insurance to cover my meds, I had to stay a full time student. So back to school I went.

The next three years at undergrad felt like a zombified blur. My meds were too strong. I had a flat affect and no emotion. Granted, I wasn’t manic or depressed. But I really didn’t feel much of anything at all!

And on top of that, the meds caused me to gain 60 pounds in just a few months. So much for the freshman fifteen--I gained the sophomore 60! No one wants that. I’ve battled my weight ever since. Meds, depression, mania, and anxiety are the perfect cocktail for weight fluctuations and struggles. (As you may have noticed from Katie's blog!)

I have always been one who loved school and learning, so when mental health issues became a part of my life and my school work suffered, that was a huge blow. I lost my presidential scholarship and school became so much harder. But I did persevere.

After I graduated, I went on to grad school for my masters in social work. I think a big part of that (besides having an undergrad degree that likely wouldn’t get me a job anywhere) was the idea of wanting to help people who have been through the ringer like myself.

So I worked my way through grad school. By that point my meds were a bit better and I had more “real-life” emotion. But the stigma of the diagnosis of bipolar never left me. I had had the label of bipolar for six years at that point. I had earned my Master of Social Work and I still had not accepted my diagnosis.

So after I graduated, I sought out a second opinion from a different psychiatrist. And I think because I was so stable, or perhaps because she didn’t know me, or for whatever reason--I was “undiagnosed” bipolar. Then I was slowly taken off my meds… and that’s where the story gets interesting.

That was fall of 2012. I thought I was doing well. I was over the moon that I no longer had this heavy burden of bipolar. No longer had to pay $100+ a month on medication and wasn’t tied to this awful stigmatized diagnosis. But yet again, shit hit the fan.

I got a social work job working for the State of Michigan, third shift, answering calls of abuse and neglect for everyone and anyone who might be calling the hotline to report it. It was an extremely emotionally tolling and stressful job, not to mention that it was the third shift. (It's important to note that regular sleep patterns are crucial for controlling bipolar.)

I stopped sleeping. Stopped eating. And eventually, mania set back in. I didn’t realize it, but my friends certainly did. It really hit me when my boyfriend at the time was taking me home and the pillars of a local building next to my apartment complex appeared to be Nazi soldiers. And I said to him, “Those pillars look like soldiers, but I know they aren’t… right?”

My friends and family were godsends. I had a couple of friends from college who came over one night and told me that if I did not go to a psych hospital, they were going to have me committed. Let me tell you--I was furious. I was beyond mad.

I was an adult! I was a social worker! I knew myself better than that! I eventually called my counselor back home and she talked me through the decision and I went to the hospital “just for the evaluation.” I was immediately admitted.

I stayed at the psych hospital for one week. What an experience. I was first put in the more “crazy” wing. I had a female roommate around my age and when I was introduced to her, the first thing she said to me was “I’m a sex addict.” I knew I was in for a treat. She was actually just as “normal” as I was. Everyone there was just dealing with their own shit in their own beautifully crazy way.

Because of my lack of eating from the stress and poor sleep schedule, they thought I had an eating disorder. But no way, Jose. The food there was incredible. So fattening and such homemade goodness! And they always had such good desserts and man alive. Maybe I was just starved and it only tasted good in my memories. But I can’t change my memories. It was good food.

It felt a little like camp. There were group sessions and there was gym and art and outside time when the weather was nice.

I remember being in group one time and thinking that I needed to be excused to go to the bathroom. This was a pivotal moment for me… It was one of the first times I realized that I was an adult now. I didn’t need permission to go to the bathroom. I could just up and leave. I remember that moment quite vividly. It was pretty freeing. I don’t know why that sticks out so vividly.

There were some interesting people there, too. One guy, only a handful of years older than me, was married and he and his wife had several kids. He had tattoos all over his body. Both he and his wife had mental health issues. He told me his wife also had bipolar and she was in the psych ward during her whole pregnancy. Each and every one. That made me nervous. It still does, to be quite honest. I don’t have any kids, but I would like to someday.

One guy was a pastor who needed respite. He was depressed from listening to everyone else’s problems and issues. That was interesting to me; also a bit sad in a way. Perhaps he might need some coaching on how to help people with their burdens if it is driving him to such severe depression to help other people.

Anyway, I was there for seven days. Re-diagnosed with bipolar. Put on a new cocktail of medicine and eventually released. I then had 7 days of outpatient therapy where I came to the facility every morning for more classes but then got to go home at around three in the afternoon. I love classes and learning, so I enjoyed that too.

I lost my job through this whole experience. I hadn’t been there long enough to be gone from work that long. They were going to fire me, but I quit so that I wouldn’t have that in my work history. I think I would have quit eventually anyway, but it was just such a stressful time.

About a week after being released from the hospital, however, my boyfriend of about two years--the love of my life at the time, whom I thought was going to be my husband some day--ended things. Just broke it off. With no real reason. He blamed God actually. Perfect timing, right? Ha. So that brought me from a delightful manic phase to an awful depressive phase… and the shit just kept hitting the fan.

So, needless to say, about a month later, I was back at the psych ward because I was extremely depressed and suicidal. This time, I knew I needed to be there and I drove myself in. The experience was relatively the same. I wasn’t put on the “crazy” wing at all that time. I was put on the less crazy, girls’ only wing. Perhaps they view depression as less difficult to manage than mania. I’m not really sure.

I was there another seven days of inpatient, and followed up with another week of outpatient as well. When I was released from those, the depression didn’t seem to lift. I returned to life in my studio apartment in a large downtown area of Michigan and basically stayed on my couch binge-watching Netflix. It was not good.

I had to force myself to leave my house on occasion. I began looking for jobs. I would get a job, and eventually be fired because my brain wasn’t working well enough to perform anywhere or at anything. I worked for a while as a receptionist at a tech company. Got fired from there. I worked part-time as a social worker for a company and lost that job too. It was not a good season of my life.

Eventually I moved back home with my parents. I just could not cope with life without people around me and supporting me. All my life I thought I was this extreme introvert, but during this time, I realized how much I needed people in my life to love, support, and encourage me. Moving back with my parents was super hard and a very humbling choice, but it was the best thing for me. I eventually started working at a bagel shop and started to regain footing on life again. Well, sorta...

Slowly, but surely, color came back into my world. I got hired as an actual social worker for a job that I still hold today, a job that I love. I met, started dating, and am now recently married to a wonderful man who puts up with my crazy.

Yes. I am still crazy.

But... I have begun to embrace the crazy. I thank Katie for that. I had always been ashamed of bipolar and the word crazy. But it’s a part of me and my story and what makes me me.

There are good things to bipolar. Don’t worry--when I’m in the depths of despair, I Google it to remind myself… haha.

I’m more creative, empathetic, tenacious. But there are some very dark times. John (my husband) can attest to that. I have what I call spirals. My negative self-talk is through the roof and the spirals that get instigated by the negative self-talk are pretty incredible. And not in a good way. I definitely still have mood swings.

Mostly I deal with depression and anxiety, a little less mania. And the focus issue has been hard lately. Work has become a struggle related to my inability to focus. There’s still proverbial shit that hits the fan. But I have good days too. Most days are good.

Life has its ups and downs. But without the ups and downs, life would be pretty bland. And crazy is the perfect spice of life, right?

You can read more about Emily's adventures (and she has a lot of interesting ones!) on her blog, EmilyAlma.com.

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Mental Health Struggles

I feel like it's been forever since I've written a post about mental health/illness. I think it's because my bipolar had been so stable for so long (no depression, no hypomania). I had issues with anxiety, but I always will--that's a given.

Anyway, I've been feeling depressed lately, and I keep hoping that it'll pass or that it's not really depression, it's just feeling down. Over the past couple of days, it's become clear to me that it's a depressive episode. I'm hoping it'll just be mild and short.

Something that I think may have triggered it is that I am done with all the projects that I needed to do around the house. I LOVED working on projects every day--even the horrid scraping of the textured ceiling or sanding the walls. There was something so satisfying about seeing the progress I was making.

Now, I don't have it in the budget to start working on something else. Jerry's dad got me a table saw for Christmas (seriously!!!!) and I'm dying to use it; but Jerry and I decided to work on paying down our car and house this year, so we're cutting spending on unnecessary things and putting it toward the principle on those payments.

I've been using up the scrap materials I have (for woodwork), but I'm getting down to the scraps of the scraps, so I can't really think of anything to make with what I have. Anyway, I don't know if the lack of projects is what's causing the depression, but it seems likely.

Right now I don't feel excited about anything. I was looking forward to working on my goals this year, but it's been such a challenge for me to do anything. I desperately want to just feel better! I haven't changed my meds or anything lately, so I don't have any other ideas as to what's causing it.

I'll be okay. I just may not be writing the best posts. I did promise myself to write every day, even if I'm only sharing a photo or writing a single paragraph. So it'll be something.

Actually, I really don't even know what else to say. So this will quite possibly be my shortest post ever! I'll see if I can find a few photos on my phone to share...

Whenever Jeanie comes to town, she asks if anyone would like a bundt cake from a place
called "Nothing Bundt Cakes" (cute). They are SO SO SO amazing! I like to get the lemon
flavor, but they have several others. She gets hers in Rockford, IL, but she said it's a chain.
She came into town for a couple of days for Christmas, so I had my lemon bundt cake ;) 

This is Jerry with our new niece! This is Laura (Jerry's sister)'s baby, Shelby. She was born
on December 5th, which happens to be Laura's birthday as well. They came to visit Monday.

For Christmas, my mom got Riley (my 17-month old niece) a baby carrier
with a baby doll. She wasn't interested in wearing it, but Luke was... so he
put the baby on chest in the carrier. It was so cute!

For Christmas, I bought Luke a digger for outside (Brian and Beckys' new house
is ALMOST done, and I can't wait to share pictures!). Luke has been seeing
a trillion different types of heavy machinery for the last couple of years, and I
was so glad that he loved my gift! (I bought it on Amazon here--(affiliate link).

I just loved this picture of Phoebe looking out her cat door. She was waiting for me to be distracted
enough by the squirrels that she could slide between my legs and sneak outside. She's great at that!

This was from New Year's Eve. Jerry and I had two other couples come over, and these are
my girlfriends, Renee and Amanda. We played board games, which was fun!

Since Brian and Becky have an enormous amount of wooded property, and
and insane number of windows on their house, my parents gave each of the
kids binoculars for Christmas, so they can look out at the deer and other
animals they may see. Riley couldn't quite get the idea of just putting
the lenses up to her eyes ;) 

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My Big Focus for the Summer and the Plans to Make It Happen

Happy Summer! (I double checked my calendar, and I have it right this time, haha)

As the first official day of summer, the Runs for Cookies Summer Run/Walk Challenge has begun. It's not too late to join in--here is the post that explains it all and here is a link to join the private Facebook group to share all about your runs or walks throughout the challenge.

Over the past several months, I've been thinking a lot about my physical goals as well as my mental goals. In 2017, I had such a great year (after my breakthrough in therapy, my bipolar diagnosis, and being put on the correct meds). I spent the rest of the year finding true happiness and doing whatever I could that made me feel genuinely peaceful with my life. It was fantastic.

In 2018, I started losing sight of that focus. I began to worry about gaining weight and I started to be more careful of my diet (which, consequently, caused me to gain more and more). I started worrying about what people would think (whereas before, in 2017, I didn't give a shit what anyone thought of me at all). I started to lose that peace that I'd worked so hard for in 2017.

My medication right now has my mental health in a very stable place. In fact, it feels "boring"--which, from what my psychiatrist has said, means the medication is working. I'm not feeling the high of hypomania or the low of depression (thank God). Hypomania has its perks, but the negatives outweigh the positives. So, stability is the aim of my meds and it's working.

Now that I am feeling stable, I've decided to make this summer of 2019 a time to really work on one main focus: HEALTH. This includes physical health, but also mental health, and even relationship, finance, and job health. In a nutshell, this is what I'd like:

Physical Health

To be at peace with my body exactly the way it looks (whether that's at this weight or if I should gain or lose weight).

Diet* (I will write more about diet later in the post).

Taking vitamins.

Exercising** (which I'll also write more about later in the post).

Wearing sunscreen, always.

Flossing my teeth daily (I have no problems with brushing, but flossing is something that I have always had a hard time making a daily habit).

Living a more active lifestyle in general the way that I used to.

Continuing to stay sober of alcohol (almost six months now!).

Get a check-up with my doctor and have bloodwork to see my health numbers, including vitamins.

Mental Health

Taking my meds on a regular schedule (I'm very good about this already).

Cutting out caffeine, with the exception of a modest amount of tea.

Writing in a journal daily, even if it's just one or two sentences. I have a "One Line A Day" journal that will be perfect for this.

Do a few brain puzzles each week. I love the Lumosity app, so I'll use that as well as the old-fashioned logic puzzles in a book.

Read more books (I'm not going to set a number goal for this, but I'd like to aim for at least 15+ minutes per day).

Do some crafts that make me happy (crochet or knit, wood work, bullet journal, sew).

Live my life the way that makes me happy, and screw what anyone else thinks.

Read a chapter a day from my Bible (I used to this daily, but after getting through Leviticus, I started losing the faith that I'd been hoping to gain, hahaha).

Continue to feed the birds and squirrels (I look forward to feeding them every day and it makes me feel happy).

Find new ways to relieve anxiety. I have a no-fail relief of a specific game on Lumosity--it's super fast-paced and it's impossible to think about anything other than the game, so I forget my anxiety while playing.

Relationship Health

Spend more quality time with Jerry and my kids--family game night, family movie night, walks in the evenings, etc.

Get in touch with a few old friends and make plans to get together and catch up.

Work on being more affectionate with Jerry (hugs, kisses, cuddles, etc). His "love language" is Physical Touch, which was last on my own list of The 5 Love Languages, so it's hard for me. It's not that I'm repulsed by affection, it's just that it never occurs to me to give him random hugs and kisses. We each took the Love Languages test and read the book, and you can read about our results here.

Write a letter to each of the kids and share how proud I am of them.

Use the phone more and texting a little less. Talking on the phone is hard for me for some reason, so I'd like to call up my friend Sarah in Arizona to chat, or some other friends that live around the country.

Make it a point to spend more time with my parents, siblings, in-laws, and especially my niece and nephew.

Take Eli fishing in a new place, and take Noah somewhere pretty where he can take photos.

Financial Health

Continue to live on our budget that got us out of debt.

Build our savings account (I'm aiming to add another $1,500 to it during the summer).

Plan our meals and grocery shop accordingly to stay under our grocery budget.

Dine out very rarely (maybe once a month).

Cut out unnecessary costs again (I did this when we first started our budget, but I'd like to take another look).

Save up for a new front porch.

Job Health

(Note: I get a some flack here for not having a "real" job, but to me, my job is very real. I am a stay-at-home mom and wife--unpaid, of course--and I earn money from blogging. I am also a volunteer cross country coach for 3rd through 5th graders. I'm very happy with this lifestyle. Well, other than the 2-1/2 to 3 hours of driving per day during the school year!)

Create a regular "chore chart" rather than just winging it. I'd like to make a weekly list of things that need to be done regularly and assign the tasks for particular days.

Write more frequently on my blog, and try to start a schedule to post on particular days.

Reply to emails more frequently. Right now, my inbox dates back to April (!) and I feel bad about it. Seeing emails that I haven't replied to yet causes me anxiety, and that can be solved very easily by taking time to reply to a few each day. For now, my plan is to reply to 2+ per day.

Write out a schedule for ALL of these plans I've written about above so that I don't get overwhelmed. Take it one day at a time.

If I have some free time, I'd like to go back and optimize photos on past posts.

Find a new place to host photos for my blog where I can edit them without deleting them and re-uploading them.

Create a plan for the cross country kids this year. Renee is not going to be coaching with me (she took a job as the middle school cross country coach) so I want to be as organized and prepared as possible to do it on my own.

---

So, those are plans I have for working on my health this summer. Diet and exercise seem to be in a bigger category of their own, so I'll write more about them as I get things figured out. I'm torn between wanting structure and wanting freedom.

*For right now, I think I'd like to have more freedom about my diet (which is what I've been doing for the last several months). I basically don't have any "rules" and I've been doing good with it. Yes, my weight is up, but I'm okay with that. I haven't gained any weight in a long time--I've been staying between 160 and 165 without trying make any changes.

That said, I would like to aim to drink more water (3+ quarts per day), to eat according to my body's cues, and pay attention to the foods that make me feel good versus the foods that make me feel bad. Then, obviously, avoid the foods that make my body feel bad.

**When it comes to exercise, I'm going to attempt to do my summer checklist for the Summer Run/Walk Challenge. I will follow the walking plan, but if I feel inclined to run now and then, I'll do that. I would like the structure of a plan for exercise so that I can make sure that I follow through, but I don't want to be so rigid that I resent it. I think walking is a good choice for right now.

Today, I started by walking from spring into summer at the State Park with Joey. It's a three mile loop, and I walked the first two loops, and then something possessed me to run the third mile. It was hot and very hard to run with Joey pulling on the leash, but I managed to do it. I loved the spontaneity of it.

This was my best attempt at getting a selfie with Joey. He was just way too excited to look at the camera.

I would also like to do nightly walks with the family (including Joey) all summer. The kids love doing this, especially when it's dark outside. We don't go far (just around the neighborhood, anywhere from 1/2 mile to a mile) but it's nice to get outside and chat with the family without distractions.

---

I think with these plans, I'm going to have a busy summer--in a good way! And I think that focusing on my health will automatically help with my anxiety which lies dormant, waiting to jump out when I least expect it.

By the end of the summer, I hope to be feeling my healthiest and happiest :)

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Children with Anxiety and My Thoughts on How Parents Can Help

I want to preface this post by saying that I am in no way a legal therapist, doctor, social worker, or any other professional that deals with mental health. I am, however, a 37-year old wife and mother (to two teen boys) who has generalized anxiety disorder and bipolar disorder. My mental illnesses started when I was very young, so I know what it is like to have these issues as a child.

I also want to point out that I may write things about my family that are in no way meant to be harmful or accusatory. My family is very caring and loving, and I know my parents did a great job raising me. Mental health wasn't talked about as much then as it is now. There are a few things I will mention that may bring up points about my childhood, but my family has been super supportive in several ways over the years, and I am so grateful for that!

Recently, I got an email from a mom who was worried about her middle school-aged daughter who was showing signs of severe anxiety. She was wondering what, based on my experiences, she could do to help with her daughter's anxiety. I am always happy to help whenever I can when it comes to mental illness (I really wish I had the money and motivation to go back to school and get a masters in social work so I could be a therapist--in all honesty, I think I'd be good at it. Even my own therapist suggested it)

Kids have anxiety for all sorts of reasons, and most of the time it's probably temporary. Maybe they are very worried about a test coming up at school, and they get stomaches because of it. But in a small minority of kids, it can be caused from generalized anxiety disorder (which is basically a constant state of worry without knowing why and without a real "ending").

And a lot of times, they could worry about things that we adults find irrational--someone coming and kidnapping them in the middle of the night; one of their parents dying suddenly; a car crash; the house burning down in the middle of the night.

When I was a child, I remember worrying about my dog, Penny, dying. I would wake up in the night and just cry and cry, worrying about Penny. I worried about fires starting in my house. I worried that I was doing something "wrong" (i.e. "unchristian-like") because my parents are very religious. I remember going skinny dipping with my friend Sarah in her pool one night (we were probably 9 or 10 years old) and afterward, I felt a horrible sense of guilt. We were innocent kids, doing nothing wrong, but I carried that guilt around with me for YEARS.

My anxiety started very young. I remember worrying about money (my mom didn't talk about it to us kids, but I would overhear things here and there), so I never liked to ask her to buy me "cool" clothes; I just wore the mom-like jeans from the ladies section (Bill Blass and Chic come to mind!).

While my siblings always asked my parents for "allowance", I didn't take money unless it was offered. I babysat to earn my own money. (I do have a memory of my mom taking me shopping to some of the mall stores we didn't normally go to, and she let me buy a couple of outfits for high school--the "cool" clothes--which was fun.)

My parents didn't know that depression or bipolar was a possibility for me. Mental illness wasn't really talked about much back then. They did the best they could with my moods, and thankfully, I had a good childhood with lots of great memories. However, knowing what I know now, I think that the validation of my feelings was absent a lot of the time. (I'm guilty of this with my own kids; I didn't really learn much about it until my therapist told me about it a couple of years ago.)

If you don't read anything else in this post, please take the time to read about validation. While this isn't something I learned until I was in therapy myself, it was a huge "aha!" moment for me, and I think it's something that everyone needs to learn.

Again, I am not trying to throw my family under the bus, but I don't think that my feelings were validated when I was a kid. For example, when I would cry about thinking my dog would die in the middle of the night, someone would tell me that I was just being dramatic, because the dog was fine. A better response would have been:

"That must be a really scary thought--I know you love Penny so much and so do we. Thankfully, Penny is doing just fine right now, and we take her to the vet to get checked out. The doctor says she's healthy. I think Penny is going to live a long and happy life. So, while it's scary to think about stuff like that, I don't think it's something we have to worry about for a long time."

My first dog, Penny:

Considering I was very different from my family growing up, a lot of the things I was worried about must have seemed irrational. And it's easy for adults (or older kids) to see those as irrational and think that I was "being dramatic" or "too sensitive" or "difficult". (To this day those three words--dramatic, sensitive, and difficult--are a big trigger for me. They make me feel like my feelings are invalid.)

To validate someone's feelings doesn't mean that you have to agree with them. It just means that they want to be heard and not dismissed like their opinion or worries don't matter or that they are just being "difficult".

I can't stress enough how much the simple act of validating someone's feelings can make a world of difference for them. It will build self esteem and make them feel more worthy.

Something that I still have a hard time with when it comes to my own kids when they are feeling anxious is that I want to tell them, "You have nothing to worry about! It will be fine!". Whether it's a trip to the dentist, or taking a test, or a cross country race. While those worries may seem kind of ridiculous enough to us, they are vey real worries for our kids--and we have to acknowledge that.

Noah always tells me he's nervous about a test a school. So instead of saying, "Don't worry about it, you'll do fine!" I say something like, "I know that tests are nerve-wracking, and I used to get that way all the time, too. Tests are scary! But you studied hard, and I know you'll do your best, so I have faith that you're going to do great."

Validating feelings takes some work. It takes more effort and focus, but it will honestly make a world of difference in not just kids, but adults as well. (I wrote more about that in this post).

Moving on...

Another thing that we can do to help is to not show anxiety in front of our kids (SO much easier said than done!). A good example of this is with my family (yet again). When my kids were toddlers, and my mom was watching them, she would gasp when they would fall down or bump into something. I found myself doing that as a parent as well. And I still find it hard not to when I babysit Luke and Riley!

When I watch my brother, Brian, and his wife, Becky, with my niece and nephew, they are the most CHILL parents ever, and so are their kids! When Luke falls down, they don't gasp or ask if he's okay. They pretend nothing happened and he just stands up and keeps moving. They let him live and learn, and because of that, he never freaks out. When they drop the kids off here and say goodbye, they don't make a big deal of it--just a kiss and a "see you later!" and Luke doesn't cry or have separation anxiety. I really wish I'd known all this when my kids were little!

Kids will feed off of our "chillness" or our "anxiety"--whatever vibes we put off. When kids have fears or they worry about things that we think are irrational, it's important for us to realize that they aren't "just being dramatic" or "too sensitive" or "difficult". (Three words I avoid like the plague when it comes to my kids. Even though it's very hard sometimes not to use those words!)

See? Not dramatic at all ;)

My kids still see my anxiety quite a bit, because it's difficult to hide, but they are old enough now that I've explained mental illness and bipolar (and generalized anxiety disorder) to them so they do understand. However, I've done much better since I started validating their feelings.

Something else that may help: Eli dealt with severe anxiety for just a few months a couple of years ago, and I was VERY worried about him. He was upset, crying himself to sleep every night with worry that seemed to come out of nowhere. I ended up buying a roller ball of essential oils from Amazon (one that has lavender, which is supposed to help with calming).

He kept it with him at all times and rolled it on his temples. Maybe it was a placebo effect, but he swears it helped. I even bought him a lavender spray for his pillow at night so that he'd be able to sleep better. He liked that and he told me it was working. Whether it was a placebo effect or not, it helped him, so I am grateful!

Then his school said that he wasn't allowed to bring the little roller ball (literally the size of chapstick) to school because it's considered "medication"--how stupid is that?! So, I bought a special bracelet and we would put some of the oils on that before school and he could smell it that way. He swears that it helped him so much.

Now, I'm happy to say that Eli's anxiety just went away like it was a phase he was going though. Recently, he saw me very upset because I was feeling so anxious, and he brought me his bottle of lavender mist for my pillow (he's seriously the sweetest kid ever!)

Having a child with anxiety or depression is heartbreaking! You want to make it better so badly, but there is nothing you can really do to take it all away. It definitely helps to listen; to validate their feelings; to remain calm ourselves; and possibly find a way like the essential oils to help for an immediate fix.

Like you all know, I'm not a doctor or mental health professional, so all I wrote here was my advice from my own experiences. If your child is showing signs of a severe issue with anxiety, it never hurts to see a therapist or psychiatrist. (You can read about what to expect at a first psych appointment here).

And I found this graphic on Pinterest (I'm not sure where it originated) but I thought it might be helpful in recognizing signs of chronic anxiety...

We all do our best to raise our kids to be happy and healthy, and I think mental health is just as important as physical health. I hope that this post is helpful!

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An Experiment with Caffeine and Anxiety (and Wednesday Weigh-In)

I was laughing while trying to take this photo because Estelle, once again, insisted on appearing in the picture ;)

With my anxiety having been SO bad for the last few weeks, I was getting really desperate to figure out what was different or what I could change to help manage it. The major change I made recently was to quit drinking, and that was on January 1st.

As I thought about it, I realized that I had started drinking coffee at around that time--I would have one cup in the morning (well, I guess it would be considered two cups, but it was one large mug). I don't know why I started drinking it every day, because I don't love coffee. I was totally fine not drinking it, so it was kind of dumb to start.

Then, I added another mug of coffee in the afternoon every day. I did that because that time of day is when I generally start feeling drained and I wanted a "pick-me-up". It became a daily habit to have coffee in the morning and in the afternoon. Coffee is a pretty innocent vice, so I didn't think that much of it.

However, I know that coffee can increase anxiety. My anxiety was horrible, but I honestly didn't think that the coffee could be the culprit. I was desperate, though, so I decided to try quitting the coffee cold turkey and see if I noticed a difference. (I could have switched to decaf, but like I said, I don't love coffee, so it wasn't really the taste that I wanted; it was the caffeine.)

I probably should have weened off of it, but we all know that I tend to go extreme when I do things, hahaha. Also, I figured that cutting it out completely would be the fastest and easiest way to see if it was the cause of my anxiety (or at least contributing to it).

My last day drinking coffee was Friday, so on Saturday I didn't have any. And surprisingly, I didn't get a bad headache like I was expecting.

Until Sunday. Holy cow, my head was killing me from not having caffeine. When I made the decision to quit, I expected the caffeine headache, so even though it wasn't fun, I dealt with it. And I also discovered that the coffee was playing a HUGE role in my anxiety! I felt much better (mentally) on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. In the beginning, I really didn't have hope that quitting coffee would help, but the difference was very notable.

Yesterday, my headache was so bad in the afternoon and I'd had a stressful/busy day (Noah fainted on Monday evening, which I'll explain later) and I decided on a whim to make a cup of coffee to simply get rid of the headache. And it worked--my head was much better--but almost instantly, my anxiety rose high. A couple of hours later, I was near panic. My heart was racing and it was hard to breathe.
And it lasted all evening.

I'm really glad that I experimented with it, because it definitely helps to know why my anxiety skyrocketed recently, and quitting coffee/caffeine is an easy fix. If I get a headache today (as I type this, it's only 8:30 AM, and so far, no headache) then I will have no problem dealing with it, simply because I know that my anxiety will be kept at bay. I still feel some depression, but it's gotten better now that the anxiety doesn't accompany it!

Instead of coffee in the mornings, I've been making a cup of chai with a touch of honey and heavy cream (like a chai latte, but less calories). I like the taste better than coffee, and there is very little caffeine in it. Next time I buy the chai, I will get the decaf kind so it won't have any caffeine at all.

Because of my decreased anxiety this week, my appetite was back up. Not excessively, but back to a "normal" level. Last week, my weight had dropped almost five pounds from the week before because I just didn't have much of an appetite. I've been weighing during the week, so I wasn't surprised to see that I didn't have a loss on the scale today:

I was at 161.2 today, which is up 1.8 from last week. I'm not going to lie--I was disappointed not to stay in the 150's--but I know that I didn't eat excessively, so I'm okay with it. I'm still down three pounds from a couple of weeks ago. And now, hopefully I can get back into a good schedule with my eating instead of picking at my food like I did the week before due to the anxiety.

Anyway, about Noah... on Monday evening, Jerry, Eli, and I were in the living room and we were going to watch a show together. Noah was sitting at the countertop behind me, and I asked him if he wanted to come watch with us. I didn't see it, but I heard him fall, and I turned just in time to see him land hard on his butt with his back against the wall.

I thought he'd just slipped as he was standing up, and I said, "What happened?" No response. "Are you okay?" Nothing. Sheer panic--"Noah, answer me right now! Are you okay?!" I was getting up to go check on him, and Jerry jumped up and went over to him. Noah seemed like he was in a daze as Jerry helped him up.

With my own horrid history of fainting, I was really worried and I started drilling him with questions to find out if he'd just fallen or if he fainted. He said that the last thing he remembered was rising to stand up from the chair; and then the next thing he knew, Jerry was standing over him. The whole thing only lasted about five seconds, but it felt like a lot longer.

Noah was only worried about his tailbone--he'd landed really hard on it (it was loud when he hit the floor), and he was in a lot of pain. Thankfully, he didn't hit his head! (Or break his jaw...) There really isn't anything that you can do about a tailbone, even if it's broken, so I didn't think it was necessary to take him to the emergency room. I did, however, call the doctor first thing in the morning yesterday and they were able to see him at noon.

The doctor really didn't see an obvious cause for the incident (Noah had just eaten dinner, he wasn't sitting for a long time before standing, his blood pressure was good). She did some blood work to be safe, but we likely won't know why it happened. His tailbone is still very sore, but other than that, he seems to be okay.

Last night, Jerry, the kids, and I went for a walk in the neighborhood, which is something that we used to do almost every night. We didn't go far--just about a mile--but the kids said they'd like to start doing that every day again. I miss doing it, too. If it's dark, we put on headlamps and carry flashlights. We take Joey, of course, who loves it! It'll be a nice habit to get back into.

Hoping for a good week! (Mentally and physically)

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