Mental Health Struggles

After several months of having a very stable mood, I've gotten really emotional lately--up and down much more frequently. Usually, a hypomanic state can last for months for me; the same with depression. Lately, however, my mood has been shifting so much--sometimes within a single day.

Sometimes I think I'm hypomanic, feeling fantastic, only to feel legitimately depressed just a day later. I was supposed to see my psychiatrist last month, but with the quarantine, he wasn't seeing patients. So, I have an appointment in a couple of weeks, and I can talk to him about it then.

Even with bipolar medications, it's typical for people with bipolar to have periods of hypomania and depression--just not as severe or as frequent. And that's been accurate for me ever since I was diagnosed and started the meds in 2017.

I haven't been feeling the major extremes of either emotion, but I'm definitely noticing the abnormal ups and downs. Not knowing what kind of mood I'm going to be in, and switching from laughing to crying within a single conversation, is pretty exhausting.

Also, I had my anxiety under control for a long time (still feeling it--it'll never go away completely-- but nothing like I used to). However, the last week or so it has gotten bad again. Today was the worst. My chest felt tight, and I had a horrible lump in my throat (that always happens when I have anxiety). I felt very restless but unproductive at the same time.

I even took some of my anxiety meds that I hate taking because they make me gain weight. (I'm instructed to take them as needed, not as part of a daily regime.) But the anxiety was so bad that I didn't care. (Why does it seem like all mood disorder medications cause weight gain?!)

I'm hoping it's just been a rough patch that will go away soon. Now that the quarantine is slowly being lifted, I have to once again change my daily routine, and I think that might be what is causing the issues with my mood.

On a positive note, I finished hanging the drywall in the garage yesterday! It was such a relief to finally get that done. The whole garage is now insulated and drywalled (including the ceiling). It doesn't look good right now, because I still have to tape and mud all the seams, but I'll take some pictures anyway.

It's amazing how much of a difference the insulation and drywall makes in the overall temperature in the garage. It doesn't feel hot and stuffy in there anymore. I am super excited to get the mudding done so that I can prime and then paint!

I'm planning to start taping and mudding tomorrow. It's super intimidating because there are a LOT of seams! I haven't mudded the seams of a ceiling before, so I hope I'm able to do a good job with it. I'm a pro at doing the seams where the wall meets the ceiling, because I did that around my entire house.

I'll end this post with a super cute photo I took of Joey, Chick, and Duck today. Joey's such a good dog! ;)

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Weight Loss Anxiety: The Monkey On My Back

Oh man, last night's post... haha! I woke up and immediately went to read it because I wondered if it even made any sense. I was deliriously tired and could barely keep my eyes open. I think the lack of sleep finally caught up with me yesterday. I started to write my post and then fell asleep while writing. When I woke up, I was in a total fog.

I really wish that I was able to sleep like a "normal" person. I wake up at roughly the same time every day (6:30-7:30-ish?) no matter what time I go to bed. So the logical reasoning would be to go to bed earlier. But my mind and body are just NOT tired. Reading a book usually helps, but I just can't find one that is pulling me in right now. I need to start a fast-paced thriller.

Anyway, I started to write this post yesterday, but after falling asleep, I knew I couldn't finish it, and I saved it for today...

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Yesterday, I woke up with a sore throat. It wasn't so much "sore" as it just felt like I had a big lump in throat and it was hard to swallow. This happens a lot when I have bad anxiety.

Lately, I've been feeling anxious quite a bit. It's the kind of anxiety that has no rhyme or reason... it just is. It's there all the time, and it's frustrating to try to figure out what is going on. I even shared this video on Facebook to demonstrate what it's like to live with constant anxiety, and while it's hilarious, I think it's pretty accurate! (If you watch with sound on, it's even better)



Watching this video is as close I can get to describing what anxiety feels like!

Anyway, the "monkey on my back" is what's really making my anxiety flare up--and that "monkey", as stupid as it sounds, is my weight.

The higher my weight climbs, the worse my anxiety gets. I may not think of my anxiety being related to my weight, but when all is said and done, I know that it really is. Having a blog that has been known as a "weight loss blog" for nearly a decade feels like I'm a fraud. I can't give advice to the many people that ask me for advice, because I just haven't found the answers yet. And I probably never will!

Here it is, 10 years after losing 120+ pounds, and I still haven't found the answers.

Every day, I wake up thinking that this is the day that I'm going to turn things around (something I remember very well from when I was 250+ pounds) and then sometime during the day, I make the decision to "just start tomorrow". This alone causes me anxiety, because it's something I always used to tell myself!

"Just starting tomorrow" is a fad diet way of thinking. And I don't do fad diets. The only time I was successful at losing the weight was when I made the decision not to do anything I wasn't willing to do for the rest of my life. (Those things may change, but the fact remains that I shouldn't do anything temporarily just to lose weight.)

I have given it a try countless times in the past couple of years to get back on the wagon and eat well and exercise. I may manage for one day, maybe two... a whole WEEK if I'm lucky and well prepared. But that stupid monkey on my back is always there.

I never stop thinking about my weight, and it's SO STUPID--I know that. Logically, the thought of having my weight on my mind all the time is ridiculous! But I just can't help it. After all these years of people noticing and talking about my weight loss, I know that it's obvious I've gained weight. Nobody says anything about it, but they have to be thinking it when they see me.

The photo below is from a recent game night with friends via Skype. I was super self-conscious when seeing them for the first time in forever. Luckily, they are the kind of friends that don't care the slightest bit what my weight is.

I know I sound like a broken record by saying that I want to get back at it; I want to lose the excess weight; I want to feel my BEST again. However, I just can't seem to get my mindset to where it needs to be in order to follow through.

Jerry and I have this inside joke where we say, "Just throw strikes!" when people say things like "Just think positive!" or "Don't worry about it!" Because in watching our kids play baseball through the years, I can't tell you how many times I have heard coaches tell the pitchers to "throw strikes".

Well, DUH--what do you think the pitcher is TRYING to do?! So, when people tell you not to worry about something, it's like telling a pitcher to throw strikes. I'm TRYING not worry about my weight, but it's just that monkey on my back that won't let go.

I've written goals up to my eyeballs, I've planned out my diet and exercise for days, weeks... and I just can't seem to stick with it. I have a case of the "fuck its"--"Oh, fuck it, I'll just start over tomorrow". And even though I can clearly see this, when it comes to following through I fail miserably.

I have this nagging thought in the back of my mind that pops up quite frequently. I know that my weight shouldn't control my life; I know that my weight gain doesn't make me less of a person; I KNOW that I shouldn't care what other people think. But it's a lot easier said than done.

Because my weight loss has been so public, I feel like my weight GAIN is going to be just as public. Most polite people won't say anything about it, but I think it's pretty obvious and hard not to notice. Sometimes I want to mention it just so that they don't think I'm in denial.

I'm really starting to get worried that I'll never find my determination again. I want to be as disciplined as I used to be. I miss that sense of control. Right now, I feel like everything in my life is out of control and it's stressing me out.

I think a big part of it is that everything feels so difficult in the beginning. I've gotten used to eating junk food and skipping the healthier foods I used to eat--my palate has literally changed so that I don't enjoy those healthier foods anymore.

I also used to love to cook and grocery shop. Over the past couple of years, I've gotten to the point where I hate doing both of those things.

Running feels so hard. What used to be a piece of cake (running a 9:00 minute mile) now seems impossible. Running a 12:00 minute mile feels difficult! I honestly don't care about my pace right now--I'm completely over the mentality of "I used to be fast!"--my biggest desire is to run regularly and have the easy runs feel easy again. I want to feel like I'm making progress.

With running feeling so hard right now, it seems overwhelming to get back into a routine.

I'm tired of talking about losing weight and my goals and not really putting into action the plans that I make. So, I've come up with some solutions that may make things easier. I'm not saying I'm committing to these right now, but I'm trying to problem solve a little.

1) I don't HAVE to run. I can always do a walking program to get back in the habit of going out and exercising. It'll feel easier and maybe I'll eventually choose to add some running. That's exactly what happened when I was losing weight in 2009-2010.

In 2010, I think I weighed about 160 in the picture below. Jeanie and I walked the Indy Mini (a half-marathon) together. I trained for it by walking for 12 weeks. Walking is good exercise, and shouldn't be discounted. At the beginning of training, walking five miles felt tough! My feet were killing me. But walking the half-marathon wasn't bad at all--nothing like the previous two years. You can read about them here: 2008, 2009, and 2010.

2) I can make a menu for the week that is very simple to cook. Things that I don't have to spend 20 minutes prepping and use a bunch of dishes and make a mess in the kitchen. Grilled cheese and tomato soup is easy!

3) I can designate Jerry and the kids to each cook one day a week. That way, I'm only cooking for four days instead of seven.

4) I can slowly adjust my palate back to healthier foods. When losing weight in 2009-2010, I was still eating junk food--just smaller portions. I also made a couple of healthier changes (like having grapes instead of chips with my sandwich).

5) Eat at regular intervals--I do best with eating four times a day, four hours apart.

6) I really don't like making lunch, and a lot of times I'll just skip it and then eat way too much at night. So I can start buying frozen meals that I actually enjoy (yes, there are some good ones!) and eat those for lunch. They are simple and I don't have to cook--I can just throw them in the microwave.

7) I can make ahead meals for the slow cooker (and freeze them) so that I can just take it out of the freezer and throw it in the slow cooker and not worry about cooking that day. When our kitchen was torn apart for remodeling, I spent one Sunday prepping TWENTY meals for the slow cooker. We discovered some recipes that we really liked!

8) Drink more water. I know that I am chronically dehydrated and I really dislike the way it makes me feel. The solution is obvious--drink more water! I used to drink three quarts a day out of sheer habit. This should be an easy change to make. Even if I don't change anything else, I think this will be helpful and I'll feel better.

So, those are just some solutions that I think will make me feel better about myself. I think if I do some of theses, I'll get rid of a lot of this anxiety, too. Making positive changes always makes me feel good.

I don't want this post to sound negative--I really don't. I just wanted to write about my anxiety getting worse as my weight goes up. An introspection.

And after writing this, I wonder if it's not just my weight, but my actual lifestyle that causes the increase in anxiety. If I was eating better and exercising, I'm sure my anxiety would decrease dramatically even if my weight doesn't change.

I'm going to think about a couple of changes I can make that will help me to feel better about it. To feel like I'm at least doing SOMETHING. The weight isn't going to lose itself. And how can running get any easier if I'm not putting in the effort to do it? If I don't make any changes, nothing is going to change!

For the next three days, I'm going to have two goals:
1) Drink 2 quarts of water
2) Go for a walk or run on each of the three days (even if it's just a mile)

That's it! If I can't do that, then I have bigger problems than I thought ;)

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A Blog Series of Favorite Posts #2: Mental Health/Illness

For the next week or so, I'm going to do a series of posts--I will share my favorite "oldies but goodies" from the past.

As you know, I LOVE writing lists. This is one I've been wanting to write for a long time, but it requires so much thought that I just have such a hard time deciding what to include on it! I have a lot of favorite posts over the years (as well as very cringey ones--maybe I'll do a list of those soon). I'd have to wear a paper bag over my head out of embarrassment ;)

As of the last few years, there have been lots of different categories on my blog: weight loss/gain/loss/gain; running; DIY/home improvement; mental health/illness; crafts; and just daily life in general. So, I think I'll separate these into categories to avoid having too many "favorite" posts in just one category.

I'll post just a few per day, so if you choose, you'll have time to read the posts. If I post them all at once, it would be way too overwhelming!

At the end, I will also include my most popular posts (which will likely be entirely different from my favorite posts) in case anyone is curious about those. First, though, my favorites...

Mental Health/Illness


Freeing Myself of the Anxiety of Social Media

I love love love this post. This is one of the most vulnerable posts I've ever written, spilling more about myself than ever before. And not giving a shit what others think of me! This post explains exactly how social media destroyed my life for a while and how I started taking back control. I still feel some of the feelings I wrote about here, but nothing like I used to. If you worry about what others think of you, definitely read this post!

7 Life Changes I've Made in Pursuit of Happiness

Once I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2017 and I started the correct medication for the first time in my life, I started a pursuit to my happiest life. I have so much to be grateful for! I tried to stop focusing on the negative and I pushed myself out of my comfort zone in order to pursue happiness. I'm a happier person today because of it. If you're struggling with depression, or just not feeling happy in general, I suggest reading this and trying out anything that jumps out at you.

A "Crazy" New Chapter in My Life

This is a doozy of a post, and I was terrified to write it. However, I got so many answers for the mental illness issues I was having, and I hoped that by writing it, I'd possibly help others who were going through something similar. I felt extremely vulnerable posting it (as I always do with mental illness) but I got SO much support that it remains one of my favorite posts to date.

Mental health/illness is a passion of mine, because it's something I've dealt with for my entire life. I am always open to talking/writing about it, so please feel free to ask me questions. I have other posts about it on my Mental Health page.

Tomorrows topic: Running! I hope you are enjoying reading these oldie but good posts.

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Children with Anxiety and My Thoughts on How Parents Can Help

I want to preface this post by saying that I am in no way a legal therapist, doctor, social worker, or any other professional that deals with mental health. I am, however, a 37-year old wife and mother (to two teen boys) who has generalized anxiety disorder and bipolar disorder. My mental illnesses started when I was very young, so I know what it is like to have these issues as a child.

I also want to point out that I may write things about my family that are in no way meant to be harmful or accusatory. My family is very caring and loving, and I know my parents did a great job raising me. Mental health wasn't talked about as much then as it is now. There are a few things I will mention that may bring up points about my childhood, but my family has been super supportive in several ways over the years, and I am so grateful for that!

Recently, I got an email from a mom who was worried about her middle school-aged daughter who was showing signs of severe anxiety. She was wondering what, based on my experiences, she could do to help with her daughter's anxiety. I am always happy to help whenever I can when it comes to mental illness (I really wish I had the money and motivation to go back to school and get a masters in social work so I could be a therapist--in all honesty, I think I'd be good at it. Even my own therapist suggested it)

Kids have anxiety for all sorts of reasons, and most of the time it's probably temporary. Maybe they are very worried about a test coming up at school, and they get stomaches because of it. But in a small minority of kids, it can be caused from generalized anxiety disorder (which is basically a constant state of worry without knowing why and without a real "ending").

And a lot of times, they could worry about things that we adults find irrational--someone coming and kidnapping them in the middle of the night; one of their parents dying suddenly; a car crash; the house burning down in the middle of the night.

When I was a child, I remember worrying about my dog, Penny, dying. I would wake up in the night and just cry and cry, worrying about Penny. I worried about fires starting in my house. I worried that I was doing something "wrong" (i.e. "unchristian-like") because my parents are very religious. I remember going skinny dipping with my friend Sarah in her pool one night (we were probably 9 or 10 years old) and afterward, I felt a horrible sense of guilt. We were innocent kids, doing nothing wrong, but I carried that guilt around with me for YEARS.

My anxiety started very young. I remember worrying about money (my mom didn't talk about it to us kids, but I would overhear things here and there), so I never liked to ask her to buy me "cool" clothes; I just wore the mom-like jeans from the ladies section (Bill Blass and Chic come to mind!).

While my siblings always asked my parents for "allowance", I didn't take money unless it was offered. I babysat to earn my own money. (I do have a memory of my mom taking me shopping to some of the mall stores we didn't normally go to, and she let me buy a couple of outfits for high school--the "cool" clothes--which was fun.)

My parents didn't know that depression or bipolar was a possibility for me. Mental illness wasn't really talked about much back then. They did the best they could with my moods, and thankfully, I had a good childhood with lots of great memories. However, knowing what I know now, I think that the validation of my feelings was absent a lot of the time. (I'm guilty of this with my own kids; I didn't really learn much about it until my therapist told me about it a couple of years ago.)

If you don't read anything else in this post, please take the time to read about validation. While this isn't something I learned until I was in therapy myself, it was a huge "aha!" moment for me, and I think it's something that everyone needs to learn.

Again, I am not trying to throw my family under the bus, but I don't think that my feelings were validated when I was a kid. For example, when I would cry about thinking my dog would die in the middle of the night, someone would tell me that I was just being dramatic, because the dog was fine. A better response would have been:

"That must be a really scary thought--I know you love Penny so much and so do we. Thankfully, Penny is doing just fine right now, and we take her to the vet to get checked out. The doctor says she's healthy. I think Penny is going to live a long and happy life. So, while it's scary to think about stuff like that, I don't think it's something we have to worry about for a long time."

My first dog, Penny:

Considering I was very different from my family growing up, a lot of the things I was worried about must have seemed irrational. And it's easy for adults (or older kids) to see those as irrational and think that I was "being dramatic" or "too sensitive" or "difficult". (To this day those three words--dramatic, sensitive, and difficult--are a big trigger for me. They make me feel like my feelings are invalid.)

To validate someone's feelings doesn't mean that you have to agree with them. It just means that they want to be heard and not dismissed like their opinion or worries don't matter or that they are just being "difficult".

I can't stress enough how much the simple act of validating someone's feelings can make a world of difference for them. It will build self esteem and make them feel more worthy.

Something that I still have a hard time with when it comes to my own kids when they are feeling anxious is that I want to tell them, "You have nothing to worry about! It will be fine!". Whether it's a trip to the dentist, or taking a test, or a cross country race. While those worries may seem kind of ridiculous enough to us, they are vey real worries for our kids--and we have to acknowledge that.

Noah always tells me he's nervous about a test a school. So instead of saying, "Don't worry about it, you'll do fine!" I say something like, "I know that tests are nerve-wracking, and I used to get that way all the time, too. Tests are scary! But you studied hard, and I know you'll do your best, so I have faith that you're going to do great."

Validating feelings takes some work. It takes more effort and focus, but it will honestly make a world of difference in not just kids, but adults as well. (I wrote more about that in this post).

Moving on...

Another thing that we can do to help is to not show anxiety in front of our kids (SO much easier said than done!). A good example of this is with my family (yet again). When my kids were toddlers, and my mom was watching them, she would gasp when they would fall down or bump into something. I found myself doing that as a parent as well. And I still find it hard not to when I babysit Luke and Riley!

When I watch my brother, Brian, and his wife, Becky, with my niece and nephew, they are the most CHILL parents ever, and so are their kids! When Luke falls down, they don't gasp or ask if he's okay. They pretend nothing happened and he just stands up and keeps moving. They let him live and learn, and because of that, he never freaks out. When they drop the kids off here and say goodbye, they don't make a big deal of it--just a kiss and a "see you later!" and Luke doesn't cry or have separation anxiety. I really wish I'd known all this when my kids were little!

Kids will feed off of our "chillness" or our "anxiety"--whatever vibes we put off. When kids have fears or they worry about things that we think are irrational, it's important for us to realize that they aren't "just being dramatic" or "too sensitive" or "difficult". (Three words I avoid like the plague when it comes to my kids. Even though it's very hard sometimes not to use those words!)

See? Not dramatic at all ;)

My kids still see my anxiety quite a bit, because it's difficult to hide, but they are old enough now that I've explained mental illness and bipolar (and generalized anxiety disorder) to them so they do understand. However, I've done much better since I started validating their feelings.

Something else that may help: Eli dealt with severe anxiety for just a few months a couple of years ago, and I was VERY worried about him. He was upset, crying himself to sleep every night with worry that seemed to come out of nowhere. I ended up buying a roller ball of essential oils from Amazon (one that has lavender, which is supposed to help with calming).

He kept it with him at all times and rolled it on his temples. Maybe it was a placebo effect, but he swears it helped. I even bought him a lavender spray for his pillow at night so that he'd be able to sleep better. He liked that and he told me it was working. Whether it was a placebo effect or not, it helped him, so I am grateful!

Then his school said that he wasn't allowed to bring the little roller ball (literally the size of chapstick) to school because it's considered "medication"--how stupid is that?! So, I bought a special bracelet and we would put some of the oils on that before school and he could smell it that way. He swears that it helped him so much.

Now, I'm happy to say that Eli's anxiety just went away like it was a phase he was going though. Recently, he saw me very upset because I was feeling so anxious, and he brought me his bottle of lavender mist for my pillow (he's seriously the sweetest kid ever!)

Having a child with anxiety or depression is heartbreaking! You want to make it better so badly, but there is nothing you can really do to take it all away. It definitely helps to listen; to validate their feelings; to remain calm ourselves; and possibly find a way like the essential oils to help for an immediate fix.

Like you all know, I'm not a doctor or mental health professional, so all I wrote here was my advice from my own experiences. If your child is showing signs of a severe issue with anxiety, it never hurts to see a therapist or psychiatrist. (You can read about what to expect at a first psych appointment here).

And I found this graphic on Pinterest (I'm not sure where it originated) but I thought it might be helpful in recognizing signs of chronic anxiety...

We all do our best to raise our kids to be happy and healthy, and I think mental health is just as important as physical health. I hope that this post is helpful!

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An Experiment with Caffeine and Anxiety (and Wednesday Weigh-In)

I was laughing while trying to take this photo because Estelle, once again, insisted on appearing in the picture ;)

With my anxiety having been SO bad for the last few weeks, I was getting really desperate to figure out what was different or what I could change to help manage it. The major change I made recently was to quit drinking, and that was on January 1st.

As I thought about it, I realized that I had started drinking coffee at around that time--I would have one cup in the morning (well, I guess it would be considered two cups, but it was one large mug). I don't know why I started drinking it every day, because I don't love coffee. I was totally fine not drinking it, so it was kind of dumb to start.

Then, I added another mug of coffee in the afternoon every day. I did that because that time of day is when I generally start feeling drained and I wanted a "pick-me-up". It became a daily habit to have coffee in the morning and in the afternoon. Coffee is a pretty innocent vice, so I didn't think that much of it.

However, I know that coffee can increase anxiety. My anxiety was horrible, but I honestly didn't think that the coffee could be the culprit. I was desperate, though, so I decided to try quitting the coffee cold turkey and see if I noticed a difference. (I could have switched to decaf, but like I said, I don't love coffee, so it wasn't really the taste that I wanted; it was the caffeine.)

I probably should have weened off of it, but we all know that I tend to go extreme when I do things, hahaha. Also, I figured that cutting it out completely would be the fastest and easiest way to see if it was the cause of my anxiety (or at least contributing to it).

My last day drinking coffee was Friday, so on Saturday I didn't have any. And surprisingly, I didn't get a bad headache like I was expecting.

Until Sunday. Holy cow, my head was killing me from not having caffeine. When I made the decision to quit, I expected the caffeine headache, so even though it wasn't fun, I dealt with it. And I also discovered that the coffee was playing a HUGE role in my anxiety! I felt much better (mentally) on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. In the beginning, I really didn't have hope that quitting coffee would help, but the difference was very notable.

Yesterday, my headache was so bad in the afternoon and I'd had a stressful/busy day (Noah fainted on Monday evening, which I'll explain later) and I decided on a whim to make a cup of coffee to simply get rid of the headache. And it worked--my head was much better--but almost instantly, my anxiety rose high. A couple of hours later, I was near panic. My heart was racing and it was hard to breathe.
And it lasted all evening.

I'm really glad that I experimented with it, because it definitely helps to know why my anxiety skyrocketed recently, and quitting coffee/caffeine is an easy fix. If I get a headache today (as I type this, it's only 8:30 AM, and so far, no headache) then I will have no problem dealing with it, simply because I know that my anxiety will be kept at bay. I still feel some depression, but it's gotten better now that the anxiety doesn't accompany it!

Instead of coffee in the mornings, I've been making a cup of chai with a touch of honey and heavy cream (like a chai latte, but less calories). I like the taste better than coffee, and there is very little caffeine in it. Next time I buy the chai, I will get the decaf kind so it won't have any caffeine at all.

Because of my decreased anxiety this week, my appetite was back up. Not excessively, but back to a "normal" level. Last week, my weight had dropped almost five pounds from the week before because I just didn't have much of an appetite. I've been weighing during the week, so I wasn't surprised to see that I didn't have a loss on the scale today:

I was at 161.2 today, which is up 1.8 from last week. I'm not going to lie--I was disappointed not to stay in the 150's--but I know that I didn't eat excessively, so I'm okay with it. I'm still down three pounds from a couple of weeks ago. And now, hopefully I can get back into a good schedule with my eating instead of picking at my food like I did the week before due to the anxiety.

Anyway, about Noah... on Monday evening, Jerry, Eli, and I were in the living room and we were going to watch a show together. Noah was sitting at the countertop behind me, and I asked him if he wanted to come watch with us. I didn't see it, but I heard him fall, and I turned just in time to see him land hard on his butt with his back against the wall.

I thought he'd just slipped as he was standing up, and I said, "What happened?" No response. "Are you okay?" Nothing. Sheer panic--"Noah, answer me right now! Are you okay?!" I was getting up to go check on him, and Jerry jumped up and went over to him. Noah seemed like he was in a daze as Jerry helped him up.

With my own horrid history of fainting, I was really worried and I started drilling him with questions to find out if he'd just fallen or if he fainted. He said that the last thing he remembered was rising to stand up from the chair; and then the next thing he knew, Jerry was standing over him. The whole thing only lasted about five seconds, but it felt like a lot longer.

Noah was only worried about his tailbone--he'd landed really hard on it (it was loud when he hit the floor), and he was in a lot of pain. Thankfully, he didn't hit his head! (Or break his jaw...) There really isn't anything that you can do about a tailbone, even if it's broken, so I didn't think it was necessary to take him to the emergency room. I did, however, call the doctor first thing in the morning yesterday and they were able to see him at noon.

The doctor really didn't see an obvious cause for the incident (Noah had just eaten dinner, he wasn't sitting for a long time before standing, his blood pressure was good). She did some blood work to be safe, but we likely won't know why it happened. His tailbone is still very sore, but other than that, he seems to be okay.

Last night, Jerry, the kids, and I went for a walk in the neighborhood, which is something that we used to do almost every night. We didn't go far--just about a mile--but the kids said they'd like to start doing that every day again. I miss doing it, too. If it's dark, we put on headlamps and carry flashlights. We take Joey, of course, who loves it! It'll be a nice habit to get back into.

Hoping for a good week! (Mentally and physically)

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What My Anxiety Feels Like and How It Affects Me (A Long, Personal Mental Health Post)

I've been writing so sporadically lately, and I can't really pinpoint a reason for it:

I overthink the things I may want to write about; the thought of writing a post makes me anxious; my weight isn't where I'd like it to be right now; and probably several other reasons. So, I'm going to spill my guts in this post while it is morning time, when I'm feeling my best during the day.

Lately, I have had near-crippling anxiety.

I've had generalized anxiety disorder for as long as I can remember. I was diagnosed when I was originally diagnosed with depression--somewhere around age 9 or 10. Anti-anxiety meds have never really worked for me. When I was diagnosed with and started on bipolar meds in 2017, the anxiety quieted quite a bit, but it was always lurking in the background.

It's so hard to describe what anxiety feels like (for me), but I will try. I know that generalized anxiety disorder is a very common mental illness, so I'm sure a lot of you already know what it feels like. And maybe it feels totally different for you than it does for me! But to someone who hasn't experienced it, it's one of the worst feelings imaginable.

I always feel like I have a large pit in my stomach that just can't be filled. It's like I'm waiting for something bad to happen, because I know it's coming, but logically, there is no reason to feel that way. The reason it's called "generalized" anxiety is because I don't feel anxious about any one particular thing (such as flying on an airplane). It's anxiety over nothing and everything at the same time.

Try to imagine something that you are most afraid of. And then imagine that you know you will have to deal with that thing--not today, but tomorrow. How nerve-wracking that feels all day long! My anxiety feels like that.

All. The. Time.

It's a combination of a pit in my stomach and a blanket of dread draped over my shoulders. As I write this, it feels like my stomach is twisted in knots and there is a hand squeezing my throat. I often wonder if other people feel this way, too, when anxiety takes hold.

I know most of my anxious thoughts are irrational, but my brain is not rational when my anxiety takes over. It's very difficult to explain, but it makes me feel like a bad person in general. Like I'm never doing enough. Like I feel guilty, but I don't have anything to feel guilty for. (Again, I know it's irrational--I'm not looking for validation that I'm not a bad person. Any of my friends or family will tell you that I'm a good person. But my brain is always trying to tell me otherwise.)

I can try SO hard to distract myself, to reason with myself, to try the mental exercises I learned in therapy, and nothing helps. (Well, alcohol was always a good distraction for a few hours; but I quit drinking 51 days ago, and now I don't have that as a temporary fix.)

I keep hoping that the reason for my recent increase (read: sky-rocket) in anxiety is due to the fact that I can no longer have a glass of wine to calm my nerves. If that is the case, I am also hopeful that it is only temporary, and the longer I go without alcohol, the better I will be able to learn to deal with anxiety in healthy ways.

The worst time for me is in the evenings. I cannot calm my mind, and that makes it impossible for me to focus on other tasks. I can't read a book, I can't write in a journal, I can't watch a TV show, I can't even listen to a podcast. The anxiety overrides all of that in my mind, and it usually makes me get so frustrated that I get really emotional.

I wish I was one to enjoy calling a friend to chat with about it, and I have a couple of friends that I know would be more than willing to listen, but even the thought of calling them gives me anxiety (how's that for irony?). Jerry is desperate to help, but there is honestly nothing that he can do. He is the perfect husband and I love him so much for trying. I just wish that there was some way for him to help, because he feels bad.

As I've written before, I thrive on a routine. When I have a routine for my day-to-day life, I feel my best. When something throws that off, it tends to trigger the anxiety. Upcoming travel is the worst of it. It could be a trip that I know I'll have a lot of fun on, usually going to visit a friend that I adore, but the thought of being away from home, out of my familiar space, causes me to dread travel. I've even canceled trips over it several times through the years.

The last time I can remember feeling really good and having minimal anxiety was in 2013. I was training hard for the Chicago Marathon, running six days a week while following Hansons Marathon Method. I know that exercise has been proven to help with anxiety--and I have found this to be true with myself--yet, I have been having a really hard time sticking with anything lately. I was doing well with getting back into a running routine, but it was so easy to skip a day here and there when something came up.

What's my plan from here?

Jerry and I were talking about fitness, and we brought up the Wii Fit U. Remember when I was doing the Wii Fit U challenge and wore the Wii Fit U Meter? Jerry and I had a lot of fun with that. I'm not sure what happened to our meters, but I recently bought some on Amazon and they're less than $9 now.

I got Jerry, the kids, and I each one, so that we can compete with each other in distance. When we sync to the Wii Fit U, it shows on a map how far we've gone based on our steps. Since we've been doing some of the Wii Fit U games together recently, it just adds another layer to that.

Also, I've been thinking about signing up for a race to run. One of the first things I tell people who want to start running is to sign up for a race--it could be as long as six months away!--because it will be a reason to stick with it. If I feel like I'm working toward something, I can set mini goals to get there. I really don't want to get back into racing, but doing a 5K or 10K once in a while would at least keep me training.

I'm not ready to be super ambitious, but I am definitely thinking about setting a fitness goal that feels challenging enough to work for and see if I can do it! I will have to think a bit about what I want that to be, and I may not even declare it here or anywhere else. But it's something to think about.

Anyway, I'm getting off track. My point is just that I know exercise is the most natural way of anxiety relief that I have found to work for me. And if I can just really make myself commit to it, then maybe it will help with the increase in anxiety I've been feeling recently.

I previously wrote a post about The Top 5 Ways I Relieve My Anxiety, and those still ring true. I will also have to add to it, because right now, the biggest one that works for me is actually playing a game on Lumosity. By doing that, my mind doesn't have time to think about anything else. (I like fast-paced games that require 100% concentration).

Of course, I can't play games all day, but it's definitely helpful in the evenings when I want to relax.

(Speaking of having a hard time staying focused, it's now 1:43 PM, and I started this post at 8:00 AM. I really need to get some work done around the house before it's time to get the kids!)

To finish this post, I just want to say that I am sorry for anyone out there who suffers from anxiety. I know how much it sucks. And I hope it helps to know that you're not alone! (Just search for "funny anxiety memes" on Pinterest, and you will feel a million times better already.)

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How Valid is YOUR Stress?

I came across a really good documentary series last night called My Last Days (on The CW channel). It's about people who have terminal illnesses, and how they want to make the most of their remaining time in life. I only watched the first episode of the second season, but it was so heartbreaking and inspiring at the same time. (I'll include some links at the end of this post--you can watch the whole thing on their website)

It made me think of a comment someone left on my last post. Normally, when I get not-so-nice comments on my blog, I just ignore them and don't think about them again. (I've come a LONG way with that--I used to spend days losing sleep and feeling horrible about myself from a stupid blog comment! In therapy last year, I finally had an "aha!" moment, and ever since then, the comments don't bother me at all. I would certainly never draw attention to them, as I'm about to...)

Anyway, so here is what the comment said: "If the biggest stressor in your life right now is your weight, you really need to get a job or go do some volunteer work and stop focusing on yourself so much. I am sure just feeling like you are contributing to the world would make a world a difference.
I would give anything for the biggest stressor in my life to be 30ish pounds overweight."

My first thought was, "Well, I'm *actually* only 10-15 pounds overweight, but okay." BAHAHA!

The comment is right, of course--I have so much good in my life, I have no reason to stress over things as stupid as weight, and all of that. Yeah, I know that.

BUT--if everyone thought that way, then there would only be one person on this planet who could say, "Well, you don't have it as bad as I do, so you have no reason to worry about anything." There are ALWAYS going to be people who are worse off. Does that mean that we are unable feel stressed by what's going on in our own lives? Maybe for some people, but I can't control feeling stressed about things--even things that some people find completely insignificant (like my weight).

My obesity kept me from being the mom I wanted to be to my kids--there were so many things I physically couldn't do with them because I was too big. I even had to hold my breath in order to tie my shoes, because I couldn't bend over and breathe at the same time! I eventually resorted to wearing slip-on shoes.

Every time I felt a slight pain in my chest, I wondered if I was having a heart attack. Knowing I was so overweight made me question a heart attack... in my 20's! My eating habits were setting my kids up to be overweight as well, if I kept up the way I was living.

Are there worse things than being overweight? Of course! But knowing how my life felt when I was 253 pounds makes a small weight gain now feel like a pretty big deal. I don't ever want to get to that point again, and it always starts at 10-15 pounds (or 30! haha). So, maybe outsiders looking at me would think that I have nothing to stress about, and I understand that; but for me, the weight gain equates to my not being able to do the things that I want to do with my family, to setting a bad example for my kids, to fearing for my health almost constantly.

Basically, what I'm getting at is, I don't think it's fair of us to judge what feels stressful to each other. There are always going to be people who have bigger problems than we do, but that doesn't mean that we aren't allowed to feel sad or stressed out over things that we have going on.

Look at Joey. This poor dog feels stressed out every time I leave the house without him. Dogs don't have much to stress about, because we give them everything they need. But Joey worries about things that I imagine normal dogs worry about... "Is she going for a walk without me? Eating treats with another dog? And FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, is she ever coming home?!?!"

If I was being judgmental, I would say that yes--those are ridiculous things to stress about. But I'm not judging, because it's something that dogs in general stress out about. (At least that's what we humans assume based on their behavior)

Whenever I find myself complaining about the heat, I try to remember my brother, Nathan, who spent a few years in Iraq when he was in the Army, and how hot it was there (especially wearing all of his equipment). He said that he once drank over 30 liters of water (I picture 15 of the 2-liter bottles of pop) and he didn't pee for the entire day. THAT'S how dehydrated he got from sweating so much.

Do I have any legit reason to bitch about the heat? Nope. Do I do it anyways, when it's 100 degrees and I'm drenched in sweat? Yup.

Using that same line of thought... I could say, "Wow, he has every reason to complain about the heat! I need to keep my mouth shut." But then someone else could say to Nathan, "Well, you have no reason to complain, because at least you had clean water to drink!"

My point is that this train of thought could go on forever, until you truly get to the one person on earth that has it worse than EVERYBODY else. And even then, who is to judge that? That person could probably say, "Hey, at least I'm still alive. I have no reason to complain."

I could say to the person who left the comment on my blog, "I'm so sorry for what you have going on in your life right now, because it must be very stressful to have caused you to leave that comment. But, at least you have access to the internet. And a device to use it. And the time to read blogs and post comments on them. There are a lot of people who don't have those things!"

Does that mean that the commenter shouldn't feel stressed out by whatever is going on? I don't think so. I think that the commenter feels like his/her problems are worse than my own, and therefore, my stress isn't valid. And if leaving a comment to let me know about it makes him or her feel better, then I accept that. Whatever floats your boat!

In my opinion, I think that whatever feels stressful to people is all relative to their way of living. It might look superficial and ridiculous to others, but if it causes them stress, then it's just as valid as the stress of someone who has what other people would call a "bigger problem".

But what would I know? I'm just a blogger who contributes nothing to anyone but herself 😉

Anyway, after that very long tangent... the documentary series ("My Last Days") is very inspiring! It will certainly make you feel grateful for all that you have (especially your health). But I learned quite a bit about two major health conditions in just the one episode. I had heard of ALS, for example, but I really didn't know anything about it until seeing a glimpse into the life of someone who has it. It was very eye-opening.

In looking for a link, I just discovered that the whole series is available on the CW website, which is pretty awesome! Here is a link to the episode that I watched (I especially loved Anthony's story): Season 2, Episode 1. Here is the general link to the show's page. I was hoping to be able to watch season one, but I don't see where it's available, so I'm not sure if it is.

I hope everyone had a great weekend. Noah is away at church camp all week, so it'll just be Eli and me hanging out together this week! :)

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The Top 5 Things That Help Relieve My Anxiety

As I mentioned yesterday, I have been having a rough time with anxiety over the last week or so. Along with bipolar disorder, I have generalized anxiety disorder (again, diagnosed when I was very young). "Generalized" anxiety means that it's not one particular thing that I have anxiety over--it's just a general feeling of dread, or like something bad is going to happen.

In my case, when I'm feeling anxious, I have an overwhelming sense of guilt. For no particular reason at all, I feel like a bad person--bad wife, bad mom, bad daughter, bad sister, bad friend, bad person in general. Logically, I know this isn't true; but I just can't shake it by talking myself out of it.

It literally feels like it's strangling me--I get a "lump" in my throat that makes it hard to swallow. That's the biggest tell-tale symptom, and very bothersome. Also, I feel a "pit" in my stomach. It's that waiting-for-something-to-happen kind of feeling... something that is my fault, even if I didn't do anything wrong. 

I find it really difficult to concentrate on anything, because I go over and over in my head what could be wrong or what I need to get done. This past week, I was feeling so anxious about the thought of writing a blog post, but then NOT writing one made me feel even more anxious. 

Unfortunately, anxiety meds have never really worked for me. I've tried several, and all they do is make me so tired that I fall asleep. So, I try to find other ways to help relieve my anxiety. They don't always work, and they don't take it away completely, but they do help sometimes.

1. Memes. 

I browse memes about anxiety on Pinterest or on Google images. I search "anxiety cat memes" (these are the best!) or "funny anxiety memes" and get caught up for way too long reading and laughing. 

This is absolutely the most effective way that I relieve anxiety, believe it or not! Not only does it keep my mind occupied and make me laugh (literally out loud), it allows me to see that there are tons of other people out there who are experiencing the same things. Memes are the BEST. Except for the inspirational ones--I'm not a fan of those. I prefer funny. Bonus for dark humor.

2. Organizing. 

I find something that needs some serious cleaning or organizing, and I work on that until it's done--sometimes for an entire day. For some reason, the cleaning distracts me like nothing else can; and it helps that I feel productive. By getting a project done, I've been productive and I've occupied my mind in a way that distracts me from my anxiety.

3. To-Do Lists. 

I write out a "To Do" list. Feeling overwhelmed produces a lot of anxiety, and sometimes I just feel like I can't keep up. I love to write lists (any type of list!) but there is something about a "to do" list that makes things more manageable. I am able to stop worrying about what I have to do, because it's written out in front of me and I can work things off the list one by one. 

4. Goals. 

I write down a list of goals. Planning out positive things for the future makes it difficult to think about the current anxiety I feel. Writing goals always fills me with hope and motivation. Even if I never follow through with them, it helps me in the moment. This is a running checklist I made, and totally forgot about when I stopped running last year. I think I'll start working on it again! (I'll type it into a PDF soon, in case anyone else wants to join in.)

5. Photos.

I sort through photos on my computer. Looking at all the pictures (I have over 25,000 on my computer) brings back so many memories. I start to remember all sorts of good times and feel nostalgic. Once in a while, I'll come across a photo where I remember feeling very anxious when the pic was taken; and then I can see that there was no reason for the anxiety. Everything was fine! 

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So, there you have it--the things I do to hopefully stop myself from feeling the awful dread of anxiety. Sometimes, if I'm out driving or in a situation where I can't do these things, I just try to remind myself that all the negative thoughts (i.e. my being a bad person) are just the anxiety talking. I try to think of examples of what makes me a bad person, and I can't come up with anything.

In therapy, I learned about "cognitive distortions", and I realized that several of those come into play when my anxiety is high. They are worth reading about, because once you are aware of them, it helps to realize that it's just your brain playing tricks on you when you are feeling certain ways. Here is a site that lists 10 of the most common distortions.

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I thought it also might be worth mentioning the things that make me feel worse when I have anxiety:

1. Spending money. 

I'm not sure exactly why, but spending money on anything while I'm anxious just makes me more anxious. (Here is a post that explains how my family paid off $14,000 of credit debt in 14 months!)

2. Alcohol. 

This one is the worst. When I drink, I feel better for a short while; but then I feel the worst anxiety of my life for 24-36 hours afterward. I'm working on going alcohol-free, but haven't gotten there just yet. (Update: I decided to do a "Dry 2019" experiment, which you can read about in these posts)

3. Binge eating. 

Again, in the moment, it helps--it makes me stop thinking about anxiety for a while, and eating makes me feel better. But then afterward, I immediately feel terrible about myself and regret it. This causes me to think of all the other things that make me anxious as well. (I wrote a whole in-depth series about binge eating and how to stop doing it--I suggested reading it if you struggle with binge eating, too!)

4. Reading. 

This may seem like an odd one, because getting lost in a book sounds like it would be very helpful. But I find that when I try to read while I'm feeling anxious, my mind constantly wanders and all I can think about is the anxiety anyway. (Here is a list of my favorite books to read when you're NOT feeling anxious, haha)

5. Talking about it.

Again, this is odd. One would think that talking it over would make us feel better, but I find that I just get upset and worked up when I state my anxieties out loud. Especially to Jerry, because he wants to problem solve everything. When I have anxiety, there is nothing anyone can say to make it go away; so talking about it, for me, doesn't help. Instead, I find distraction to be more effective.

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Anyone else deal with anxiety and have a unique way of battling it? Please share!

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Freeing Myself of the Anxiety from Social Media

Once again, this post has been a long time coming. It's a topic I've been wanting to write about for over five years. I never actually thought I would bring myself to do it, because it makes me my most vulnerable; but, I finally feel like I'm in the right frame of mind to do so. (Hopefully I'm not just hypomanic, only to wind up regretting this later! haha). As I was about to post this last night, my internet went out! So here goes...

I started blogging in 2000. Back then, it wasn't really called "blogging"--it was referred to as an online journal. I basically wrote as if it was my diary (much like I do now). I had a small handful of readers, and even though we'd never met in person, I felt like they were friends. I was extremely honest and open, and I felt comfortable being that way.

When I switched to Blogger, I never expected to get so many new readers so quickly. I only made the switch because posting photos was easier on Blogger than it was on my previous platform (called Open Diary). When my blog readership grew very quickly, I was terrified. I had no idea why people were reading the random goings-on in my life, and I started to feel self-conscious. However, I had been blogging for 11 years at that point, so I just kept writing how I always had.

At that point, I never expected the hate that I would soon get.

I don't write a very controversial blog, so I couldn't understand why people would go out of their way to write comments or emails that were directly trying to hurt me. Having blogged for 11 years, I was so used to people being kind (or at least respectful); so when people started writing comments that were deliberately hurtful, I was taken aback.

The first time I saw a hate-thread on social media about me, I cried for three days. I wanted to quit blogging, crawl into bed, and not come out. I began to question what was wrong with me, and I wondered if what those people said was accurate. I began to wonder if my "real life" friends thought the same things about me. (The comments I refer to in this post come from several sources, not just my blog itself: blog comments, my blog's social media, and email.)

In general, those comments filled me with self-doubt and made me question who I am--what kind of person I am. I'd always considered myself to be very kind, sensitive, sympathetic/empathetic, and generous. When I started getting the hurtful comments, I began to wonder whether I was, in fact, a terrible mom and role model; a lazy housewife without a "real" job; a selfish friend/daughter/sister; an unhealthy yo-yo dieter; and all sorts of other things.

This is me, just sitting around eating bon-bons and watching my soaps, because that's what I do all day without a "real" job while my husband works 300 hours per week:

My kids couldn't ask for a better role model! I taught them how to pack in the most sugary, fattening toppings on a minuscule dollop of frozen yogurt. And that it's perfectly acceptable to eat this for dinner on Father's Day:

Of course, I'm way too selfish to care about anyone but myself. I just truly enjoy wearing matching family shirts in public when my brother runs his first marathon:

And let's not forget the drinking on the job!

Overall, 99% of the feedback I get on my blog is positive and/or respectful; but it was that 1% that stuck in my mind. Each time I got a mean comment that was meant to hurt me, it was all I could focus on. I desperately wanted to be one of those people who could just brush off the negativity and move on.

I tried not to care. I lied to myself and tried to convince myself that I didn't care.

One day I noticed a ton of traffic coming from a particular site I'd never heard of, and I clicked over to it to see what the traffic was all about. It turned out to be a hate site directed toward bloggers, and there was a thread about me. I read it and cried--again, I was tempted to stop blogging.

From that day on, I dreaded signing into Blogger. Until Blogger changed their sign in screen recently, the home page would show my traffic (page views, search words, and traffic sources). I started covering the screen with my arm when I signed in, so that I couldn't see where my traffic was coming from. I knew if I saw that hate site, my stomach would feel like I'd swallowed lead, and I would feel the worst anxiety I'd ever felt.

I never read that site again (even when I saw that I was getting traffic from it), because I didn't think I'd be able to handle the hateful comments (and what good would it do, really?); but even seeing that I was getting traffic from it would eat me up inside, always making me wonder what they were writing about me.

Another thing I started to dread was 9:00 in the evenings--when my blog post would go live. Anonymous comments were enabled then, and I would be filled with anxiety while I waited for the first comment on my post. I had Gmail notifications on my phone, so whenever I would get an email, it would pop up on my phone (I receive an email for each comment that someone writes). Once 9:00 came around each day, I would have my phone in hand--heart racing, sweating, irritable, worrying about the comments.

Whenever I saw "Anonymous has left a comment...", my anxiety would skyrocket. The mean comments are always anonymous. Like I said, 99% of the feedback was positive, so I really shouldn't have been so anxious; but as you know, you can't exactly choose how you feel.

It got so bad that I had constant anxiety when thinking about my blog. Until then, I had loved writing every day. I always looked forward to writing in my blog, reading the comments, and meeting new people. It brought me joy. Once the anxiety got to the point where it was affecting my entire life, I knew I had to change something. But I didn't know what to change.

So, I stopped writing as frequently. And when I did write, I tried to keep it kind of boring. I stopped writing such personal things so that if people had something mean to say, at least it wouldn't be so much directed at me.

But I soon learned that it didn't matter what I wrote--there would always be somebody who would find something to say in order to make me feel bad. Still, I tried to keep my blog positive.

One time, I posted a photo of me in a dress because I thought I looked nice (I don't dress up often) and someone called me a "smug c*nt"--I actually burst out laughing at that comment, though! Even to this day, my friends will joke around about what a "smug c*nt" I am, hahaha.

SO smug... just look at how that smile says, "I'm so much better than you":

In all seriousness, though, the comments changed me as a writer. I hated that it did, because I wasn't writing the things I wanted to write. From the time I learned to read, I wanted to be a writer when I grew up. And I was good at it! I used to win the creative authors award each year, and I wrote short stories in my free time.

By allowing those comments to get under my skin, I was holding back so much of what I had to say. I desperately wanted to just focus on the good and on being myself, but I hated feeling so vulnerable when I would post personal things. So, I chose to write about impersonal, kind of boring things that didn't make me feel so vulnerable. I even lost a lot of readers, and I felt relief about that.

When I was going through depressive episodes in particular, I had a very hard time writing anything at all. When you look at last year's depression, I wasn't blogging very often--I just didn't feel like I could deal with hateful people when I was feeling so down as it was.

Early last year, I disabled anonymous comments, and it helped tremendously. Now, if someone disagrees with me, they tend to do so in a respectful manner--and that's all I ask for. I certainly don't expect everyone to agree with everything I say, but there is a way of expressing disagreement without deliberately trying to be hurtful.

I was bummed to disable the anonymous comments, because I had several "regulars" who would use the anonymous form and then sign the comment. I even sent several of them emails to let them know why I was disabling the anonymous option, and they were very understanding. That's actually how I became friends with Martine, who I met up with when I went to San Diego this year :)

I also disabled my Gmail notifications, so that I actually have to go into the app to see if I have new email. That was also helpful, because I don't feel like I have to read comments as soon as I see the notification. Removing the anonymous comment option and disabling the Gmail notifications took away about 50% of my anxiety, which was a great start.

It wasn't until early this year, when I had a big breakthrough in therapy, was diagnosed with bipolar, and started the correct medication that I finally got to the point where I just don't care. When I've gotten mean comments or emails, I've actually been able to laugh about them, make fun of them, and sometimes I even respond to them. Usually with sarcasm.

This time, I am not just convincing myself I don't care. I truly don't give a shit what people think about me! And you know what? That is the greatest feeling. I love that I can be myself, write what I want to write, make myself vulnerable, and never second guess the person I am.

I AM kind, sensitive, sympathetic/empathetic, and generous. I am also a good listener. I treat people with respect. I try to be the best role model I can for my boys. I am honest. I care so much about my friends and family and would do just about anything for them. I am smart. I love to teach people things that I know well. I'm a good running coach. I eat junk food, and I'm not at all sorry about it. I'm thoughtful and enjoy doing things that will make others happy. I've always been a very creative person, too.

I mess up sometimes, but so does everybody. I forget things, like birthdays, once in a while--but I am sincere when I apologize for it. I might say something offensive or inappropriate now and then, but I never say things with the intention of actually hurting people with my words.

Sometimes I'm too ambitious and don't follow through with things I've said I will do--I guess I'll just blame that one on bipolar disorder, haha. My diet is atrocious and for God's sake, how many grapes can I eat without getting diabetes?! But if that's the worst thing about me, then I'm pretty proud.

Basically diabetes in a bowl:

The reason I took so long to write this post is because I knew it would make me even more vulnerable--probably my most vulnerable. I thought that when the "haters" would read about how the comments caused me so much anxiety, they would be "winning" and getting what they were after. I didn't want to give them the satisfaction, so I chose not to say anything at all. And I was afraid of the feedback I would get, honestly!

By posting this today, I am declaring that I am ME, and I'm done trying to always portray a better version of me. I am fine just the way I am, and I am happy with who I am, even with my flaws. Maybe that makes me a smug c*nt (ha!), but I can rest easy and be thankful that I am not filled with so much hate that I try to hurt other people when they are making themselves vulnerable.

I am filled with admiration for people who are comfortable enough to be themselves, whether they "fit in" or not. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders since I finally stopped trying to change everything about me to please other people. The only thing I'm sorry for is that I wasted so much of my time and energy feeling anxious about what people were going to say about me.

When I started losing weight eight years ago, I never EVER imagined that I would actually reach my goal weight (let alone maintain it). And just like then, I never EVER imagined that I would one day feel comfortable with being my true, imperfect self. It's taken me 35 years to get to this point, but I can express with 100% certainty that it was worth it.

(And to those of you that have left kind and/or respectful comments on my blog--whether regularly or just once-- thank you! If not for those comments, I certainly would have quit blogging when I went through such a rough time. I can't even count the number of times that a particular comment has made my day or filled me with joy somehow. I read and appreciate every single one of them. xo)

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Anxiety binge eating

The boys spent the night at my parents' house last night, but I still got up at around 5:30 (which has been the norm lately). My brother Nathan came over at 6:00 to pick up Bailey (his dog). My cats finally came out of hiding--I hadn't really seen them for the two days that Bailey was here.

I spent some time this morning checking out hotels in Key West, and I took my brother Brian's suggestion to book the Southernmost on the Beach. This is for the Ragnar Relay I'm running in January. My parents said they would watch the boys, so Jerry is actually going to go with me and we're going to make a vacation out of it after the Ragnar. Our 10-year anniversary is next year, so we're going to celebrate it 7 months early ;) I'm SO excited I can't stand it!

Jerry and I are going to stay in Key West for three nights following the Ragnar. He's not running the race, so he'll be on his own for a couple of days while I'm racing.

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I picked up the kids at 9:00 to take them to swim class, and we stopped at Kroger on the way home. I was feeling really anxious and stressed and I bought binge food--a doughnut (I don't even LIKE doughnuts!), a Reese's egg, a Cadbury Creme Egg, and Velveeta Shells & Cheese (again, something I don't even like!).

When we got home, my anxiety was even worse. I am seriously going crazy without my ice! One of my stress relievers is to play solitare with a big cup of ice--yes, it sounds lame, but it works for me ;)  Without the ice, I find myself snacking constantly. I ate the doughnut, and the candy, and then I made the shells and cheese for lunch--which I shared with the kids, but I still ate a large portion of it.

After that, despite being full, I was still looking for something to snack on. I took a Xanax for the anxiety, hoping that would help, and it did a little. But shortly after that, my friend Rebecca stopped by to pick up Noah for her son's birthday party. I had completely forgotten about it! I told her that I would just drive him there (it was at a bouncer-place). I rushed to get him ready and then we left for the party.

When we got there, Noah started freaking out and crying. When I asked him what was wrong, he said there were too many kids there and he wanted to go home. I was dumbfounded, because he's never reacted like that before. I was not happy about it, but I apologized to Rebecca and we left. I had promised Eli I'd take him to spend some of his money while Noah was at the party, so I couldn't back out on that. We all went to the store and Eli picked out his toys.

I bought a couple of things that I normally cannot have in my house without bingeing. But I've been doing well with peanut butter lately, so I'm hoping that I can do it. I am making it a goal to make these last until the end of March:

I never actually tried the Biscoff Spread--but you know how much I love the Trader Joe's Cookie Butter, and it supposedly tastes exactly like it. When I got home, I tasted it, and it really is EXACTLY like the Cookie Butter. So good! But it's going to last until the end of March, I promise.

I've been making Lori's One-Minute Muffin every single day for breakfast, and I love it! I've been seeing it on her blog for a very long time, but I never tried it because it just didn't sound very good. But for some reason a couple of weeks ago, I tried it and LOVED it.

I make the "original" version she has posted, but I use 1 Tbsp. of banana baby food instead of the 1 1/2 tsp. of oil. I had the baby food sitting in my pantry (I was going to use it for baking at some point, and just never did). It didn't add any banana flavor to the muffin (which I was happy about, because I wasn't going for banana flavor). I also add about 1/2 tsp. vanilla extract. I just mix everything together in a large mug (you don't even have to spray the mug with cooking spray) and then microwave it for about 1 minute 15 seconds. It pops right out of the mug.

The muffin has the best texture and is super filling. I think I always avoided it because it just didn't seem like it would fill me up. I was completely wrong. I split it in half and spread each half with Cinnamon Raisin Swirl peanut butter...

That muffin is actually the reason I bought the Biscoff Spread and Nutella. I am out of the Cinnamon Raisin Swirl peanut butter (and so was Whole Foods last time I went), so I wanted something new to top the muffin with.

Just a few words of caution: the muffin is made with 1/4 cup of ground flaxseed, which is a lot if you're not used to eating flax. I had a stomachache in the evening after I ate it the first couple of days. Now I'm used it. Maybe start with half a muffin at first ;)

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