Oh man, last night's post... haha! I woke up and immediately went to read it because I wondered if it even made any sense. I was deliriously tired and could barely keep my eyes open. I think the lack of sleep finally caught up with me yesterday. I started to write my post and then fell asleep while writing. When I woke up, I was in a total fog.
I really wish that I was able to sleep like a "normal" person. I wake up at roughly the same time every day (6:30-7:30-ish?) no matter what time I go to bed. So the logical reasoning would be to go to bed earlier. But my mind and body are just NOT tired. Reading a book usually helps, but I just can't find one that is pulling me in right now. I need to start a fast-paced thriller.
Anyway, I started to write this post yesterday, but after falling asleep, I knew I couldn't finish it, and I saved it for today...
Yesterday, I woke up with a sore throat. It wasn't so much "sore" as it just felt like I had a big lump in throat and it was hard to swallow. This happens a lot when I have bad anxiety.
Lately, I've been feeling anxious quite a bit. It's the kind of anxiety that has no rhyme or reason... it just is. It's there all the time, and it's frustrating to try to figure out what is going on. I even shared this video on Facebook to demonstrate what it's like to live with constant anxiety, and while it's hilarious, I think it's pretty accurate! (If you watch with sound on, it's even better)
Watching this video is as close I can get to describing what anxiety feels like!
Anyway, the "monkey on my back" is what's really making my anxiety flare up--and that "monkey", as stupid as it sounds, is my weight.
The higher my weight climbs, the worse my anxiety gets. I may not think of my anxiety being related to my weight, but when all is said and done, I know that it really is. Having a blog that has been known as a "weight loss blog" for nearly a decade feels like I'm a fraud. I can't give advice to the many people that ask me for advice, because I just haven't found the answers yet. And I probably never will!
Here it is, 10 years after losing 120+ pounds, and I still haven't found the answers.
Every day, I wake up thinking that this is the day that I'm going to turn things around (something I remember very well from when I was 250+ pounds) and then sometime during the day, I make the decision to "just start tomorrow". This alone causes me anxiety, because it's something I always used to tell myself!
"Just starting tomorrow" is a fad diet way of thinking. And I don't do fad diets. The only time I was successful at losing the weight was when I made the decision not to do anything I wasn't willing to do for the rest of my life. (Those things may change, but the fact remains that I shouldn't do anything temporarily just to lose weight.)
I have given it a try countless times in the past couple of years to get back on the wagon and eat well and exercise. I may manage for one day, maybe two... a whole WEEK if I'm lucky and well prepared. But that stupid monkey on my back is always there.
I never stop thinking about my weight, and it's SO STUPID--I know that. Logically, the thought of having my weight on my mind all the time is ridiculous! But I just can't help it. After all these years of people noticing and talking about my weight loss, I know that it's obvious I've gained weight. Nobody says anything about it, but they have to be thinking it when they see me.
The photo below is from a recent game night with friends via Skype. I was super self-conscious when seeing them for the first time in forever. Luckily, they are the kind of friends that don't care the slightest bit what my weight is.
I know I sound like a broken record by saying that I want to get back at it; I want to lose the excess weight; I want to feel my BEST again. However, I just can't seem to get my mindset to where it needs to be in order to follow through.
Jerry and I have this inside joke where we say, "Just throw strikes!" when people say things like "Just think positive!" or "Don't worry about it!" Because in watching our kids play baseball through the years, I can't tell you how many times I have heard coaches tell the pitchers to "throw strikes".
Well, DUH--what do you think the pitcher is TRYING to do?! So, when people tell you not to worry about something, it's like telling a pitcher to throw strikes. I'm TRYING not worry about my weight, but it's just that monkey on my back that won't let go.
I've written goals up to my eyeballs, I've planned out my diet and exercise for days, weeks... and I just can't seem to stick with it. I have a case of the "fuck its"--"Oh, fuck it, I'll just start over tomorrow". And even though I can clearly see this, when it comes to following through I fail miserably.
I have this nagging thought in the back of my mind that pops up quite frequently. I know that my weight shouldn't control my life; I know that my weight gain doesn't make me less of a person; I KNOW that I shouldn't care what other people think. But it's a lot easier said than done.
Because my weight loss has been so public, I feel like my weight GAIN is going to be just as public. Most polite people won't say anything about it, but I think it's pretty obvious and hard not to notice. Sometimes I want to mention it just so that they don't think I'm in denial.
I'm really starting to get worried that I'll never find my determination again. I want to be as disciplined as I used to be. I miss that sense of control. Right now, I feel like everything in my life is out of control and it's stressing me out.
I think a big part of it is that everything feels so difficult in the beginning. I've gotten used to eating junk food and skipping the healthier foods I used to eat--my palate has literally changed so that I don't enjoy those healthier foods anymore.
I also used to love to cook and grocery shop. Over the past couple of years, I've gotten to the point where I hate doing both of those things.
Running feels so hard. What used to be a piece of cake (running a 9:00 minute mile) now seems impossible. Running a 12:00 minute mile feels difficult! I honestly don't care about my pace right now--I'm completely over the mentality of "I used to be fast!"--my biggest desire is to run regularly and have the easy runs feel easy again. I want to feel like I'm making progress.
With running feeling so hard right now, it seems overwhelming to get back into a routine.
I'm tired of talking about losing weight and my goals and not really putting into action the plans that I make. So, I've come up with some solutions that may make things easier. I'm not saying I'm committing to these right now, but I'm trying to problem solve a little.
1) I don't HAVE to run. I can always do a walking program to get back in the habit of going out and exercising. It'll feel easier and maybe I'll eventually choose to add some running. That's exactly what happened when I was losing weight in 2009-2010.
In 2010, I think I weighed about 160 in the picture below. Jeanie and I walked the Indy Mini (a half-marathon) together. I trained for it by walking for 12 weeks. Walking is good exercise, and shouldn't be discounted. At the beginning of training, walking five miles felt tough! My feet were killing me. But walking the half-marathon wasn't bad at all--nothing like the previous two years. You can read about them here: 2008, 2009, and 2010.
2) I can make a menu for the week that is very simple to cook. Things that I don't have to spend 20 minutes prepping and use a bunch of dishes and make a mess in the kitchen. Grilled cheese and tomato soup is easy!
3) I can designate Jerry and the kids to each cook one day a week. That way, I'm only cooking for four days instead of seven.
4) I can slowly adjust my palate back to healthier foods. When losing weight in 2009-2010, I was still eating junk food--just smaller portions. I also made a couple of healthier changes (like having grapes instead of chips with my sandwich).
5) Eat at regular intervals--I do best with eating four times a day, four hours apart.
6) I really don't like making lunch, and a lot of times I'll just skip it and then eat way too much at night. So I can start buying frozen meals that I actually enjoy (yes, there are some good ones!) and eat those for lunch. They are simple and I don't have to cook--I can just throw them in the microwave.
7) I can make ahead meals for the slow cooker (and freeze them) so that I can just take it out of the freezer and throw it in the slow cooker and not worry about cooking that day. When our kitchen was torn apart for remodeling, I spent one Sunday prepping TWENTY meals for the slow cooker. We discovered some recipes that we really liked!
8) Drink more water. I know that I am chronically dehydrated and I really dislike the way it makes me feel. The solution is obvious--drink more water! I used to drink three quarts a day out of sheer habit. This should be an easy change to make. Even if I don't change anything else, I think this will be helpful and I'll feel better.
So, those are just some solutions that I think will make me feel better about myself. I think if I do some of theses, I'll get rid of a lot of this anxiety, too. Making positive changes always makes me feel good.
I don't want this post to sound negative--I really don't. I just wanted to write about my anxiety getting worse as my weight goes up. An introspection.
And after writing this, I wonder if it's not just my weight, but my actual lifestyle that causes the increase in anxiety. If I was eating better and exercising, I'm sure my anxiety would decrease dramatically even if my weight doesn't change.
I'm going to think about a couple of changes I can make that will help me to feel better about it. To feel like I'm at least doing SOMETHING. The weight isn't going to lose itself. And how can running get any easier if I'm not putting in the effort to do it? If I don't make any changes, nothing is going to change!
For the next three days, I'm going to have two goals:
1) Drink 2 quarts of water
2) Go for a walk or run on each of the three days (even if it's just a mile)
That's it! If I can't do that, then I have bigger problems than I thought ;)
