Therapy

I don't have any transformations to post for Transformation Tuesday, which is a bummer! I still keep thinking it's Monday, though--holiday weekends always confuse me the following week. Today has been a long and exhausting day. I just got home from cross country practice and just as I thought, the kids were very excited about the fun donations to our team. After they ran today (speed and hills!) they did a six-legged race, which was so funny. (I'll post more about cross country later this week.)

I don't remember if I mentioned this already, but I decided to start going to therapy again. I know I keep writing about feeling super overwhelmed and I don't mean to sound cryptic; I was just hit with several big things at once (like the disaster in my bathroom/bedroom). That is still moving along, just very slowly.

I worry about my dad a lot because his health hasn't been good. My mom went to my sister's for a few days and she's usually the one that pushes my dad to go to the hospital or get tests done or things like that (my dad is stubborn and would probably never have gone to a doctor on his own). While she was gone, my dad got very faint a few times and he actually fell down five times in three days. He hit his head a couple of times, which is why my mom made him go to the ER when she got home.

Thankfully, the CT scans were fine; but it doesn't resolve his low blood pressure causing him to feel faint and fall. I know exactly what he's talking about when he describes it, because it's the same thing that happened to me when I fainted and broke my jaw. I also fainted and hit my head a few years ago. I have low blood pressure like my dad and I feel faint frequently when I stand up from a sitting or lying down position.

As if that wasn't enough for him, when he went to the ER, he tested positive for COVID, too! Anyway, I'm always worried about him now. He's got a lot of health issues going on at once and there really isn't a solution. He's tired of doctors and tests and I don't blame him at all.

To write about the other stuff I'm dealing with would invade others' privacy so I can't write about it--and that's actually why I chose to find a therapist. To top it off, my psychiatrist is retiring in December and I only have one more session with him. I really like him so I hope he can recommend someone that's a good fit for me.

Today was my first appointment with the new therapist and I'm glad I made the decision to go. I'll see her weekly for a little bit and then every other week and/or as needed. As you know, I'm passionate about mental health. I always tell people that finding a therapist is like dating--you might have to see several before you find one that you click with. Thankfully, I really liked her (I'll call her "A") and I'd like to keep seeing her. 

While this post comes off as a downer, I didn't mean for it to--today was a really great day. Better than I've had in a long time, actually--Jerry even mentioned noticing it before he left for work. And it will be even better when I eat some of the hash I made before I left for practice! I'm starving--you know, from watching kids run up and down a hill and yelling at them to keep going ;) 

I know I haven't been posting the daily "random fact" calendar tidbits, but today's was perfect for this post:

There is nothing wrong with seeking help for mental health, and I hope that by writing about it, there will be less of a stigma and more people will feel comfortable talking openly about it as well. I always feel vulnerable when writing about it, but mental health/illness is so important and I don't think it's something people should feel ashamed of.

Okay, I'm going to go heat up some hash and then hit the hay ;)

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Top 17 of 2017

This post has become somewhat of a tradition. I've done one each year since 2011. It's a nice way of looking back on the year, and focusing on the highlights--the things that I may have forgotten if not for writing this post.

Some of the items on the list are obvious, but others are subtle things that had an impact on me in some way. Here are links to my past years' lists:

My Top 11 of 2011
My Top 12 of 2012
My Top 13 of 2013
My Top 14 of 2014
My Top 15 of 2015
My Top 16 of 2016

And here we go... my Top 17 of 2017...

1. Becoming an aunt

This was definitely my most favorite part of 2017! Lucas Charles was born on March 8, 2017. Seeing him grow this year, and seeing my brother as a dad, has warmed my heart in ways I can't even describe. I fell in love with Luke the moment I saw him, and I am able to cherish and enjoy every moment I spend with him, because he grows too fast.

There is something different about being an aunt than a mom. I love both, but there is just something so special about being an aunt! Becky, my sister-in-law, absolutely amazes me as well--with Brian being a pilot, he's gone quite a bit, and Becky has been the best mom to Luke. I think Brian and Becky's parenting style (totally relaxed!) has helped Luke become very chill and happy.

2. Spending some quality time with Noah during the nightmare that was his "splinter"

What we thought was a simple splinter at first seemed to be no big deal. But once we realized just how serious everything was, and we had the whole fiasco with the emergency room experiences, this whole thing was a living nightmare. And when my doctor insisted that we take Noah to yet another ER (in Ann Arbor, a good 45 minutes away), during the biggest snow storm of the year, I was stressed to the max over all of it.

The drive to Ann Arbor with Noah took forever, because we were crawling at 25-35 mph on the expressway due to the snow. There were times where I couldn't see even 10 feet in front of the car. At one point, my car ran out of wiper fluid, and with all the salt from the roads winding up on my windshield, I couldn't see. We had to pull off the expressway to a gas station and buy some wiper fluid.

When we finally got to the ER, we spent all day in an exam room with doctors and nurses popping in and out. This is an odd choice for one item of my "Top 17" list, but the drive to and from the hospital, as well as sitting in the exam room for so long, meant I got to spend alone time with Noah (which is rare--he's "too cool" to hang out with his mom much). I have good feelings with thinking back on that day.

3. Hosting a meet-up for local From Fat to Finish Line members

After meeting some of the FFTFL members in San Diego earlier in the year, I really wanted to get more involved. So, I organized a meet-up to go for a 5K walk at the State Park, followed by breakfast at Cracker Barrel. These people were so kind, and I really enjoyed meeting them!

4. Being diagnosed with bipolar disorder

This is a very odd choice as one of the "top" moments of 2017, but this diagnosis changed my life for the better in so many ways. I finally learned why I am the way I am; and best of all, I learned that there is a medication that can help me to be a stable version of myself. After starting the medication, I felt a million times better. I had just gone through the worst depressive episode of my life, and the change was huge.

While having bipolar disorder is embarrassing sometimes, and there is a huge stigma attached to it, I hope to bring more awareness to it. I have not only accepted the diagnosis, but I've embraced it. There are certain "bipolar parts" of me that I like, and now I know that there is a reason for my quirks. I've chosen to use humor to embrace the diagnosis, and that has made all the difference in how I've handled it.

5. Hosting a blog reader meet-up in Indy

Having decided to do the Indy Mini again this year, I invited readers to come share the weekend with me. I wasn't sure if anyone would be interested, but there was a huge turnout. Some of these women even traveled quite a distance for the meet-up, and I felt honored that they did that. The women I spent the day or weekend with were fantastic--everybody was SO nice!

Jerry came with me, and he enjoyed getting to know some of the other husbands. We both had a very fun weekend getting to know and spend time with new friends.

6. Hiking in several places in Oregon

This was one of my most favorite trips of all time. I went to Oregon to visit my BFF, Thomas, in Portland (which has basically become my "home away from home"). I absolutely LOVE the Pacific Northwest! Considering this was my fifth(?) trip out there in the past few years, Thomas showed me some of Oregon that was very different from Portland. The places we hiked were very dry and desert-like, which was the polar opposite of lush green Portland.

While I definitely prefer the green (the trees are my favorite part of the PNW), it was very cool to see the side of Oregon that I didn't even know existed. The views were stunning.

7. Having the Detroit Zoo to ourselves after closing

Well, not necessarily to "ourselves", but to the company that Jerry works for. We got to have a catered dinner, and then walk around the zoo in the evening hours after they closed. It was so nice not to have to maneuver through crowds of people, and to spend time with the Jerry and the kids.

8. Family vacation over the Fourth of July at my sister's "Camp Fireside"

The whole family went up to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan to my sister's property for the Fourth of July. We spent several days riding four wheelers, sitting around the campfire, playing Cornhole, and other fun things. I spent about 75% of my time hanging out with Luke ;)

9. Teaching Eli to cook while Noah was at camp

Noah went to church camp in the summer, and Eli chose not to go. I looked at day camp options, and he was interested in a cooking camp. I looked into it, but he would have been one of the oldest kids there, and I thought maybe it would be too easy for him. So, I told him that we would do our own little cooking class at home.

I let him choose several different things to make, each using a different technique so that he could learn a variety of skills. He loved it! And so did I. It was a great way to spend quality time with him, and we had some really yummy food. His favorite was this steak with sautéed summer squash and zucchini. It was probably the most delicious steak I've ever eaten. And I'm not even a fan of steak!

10. Digging out hostas with Jerry

Again, an odd choice for this list. But I have literally never laughed so hard in my entire life. We sucked at splitting the hostas (our first time trying to do it), and we couldn't stop laughing at what a terrible job we were doing. I couldn't even catch my breath, and I thought I was going to pass out. It was one of the funnest moments I've ever had with Jerry.

11. Going to the airshow with the family

Our next door neighbor gave us tickets to the airshow, so we thought it would be a fun family thing to do. While the airshow was just okay, we did share a lot of laughs. Particularly at the hideously ugly sunglasses we bought, because we'd forgotten our own.

12. Finally feeling free from the anxiety caused by social media/blog comments

I wrote a whole post about it (link above), but this was one of the very best parts of the last several years--not just 2017. Worrying about what other people think, and the comments that they make to me or about me was the source of a ton of anxiety that I carried around constantly. Once I had a breakthrough in therapy, as well as started my new bipolar meds, I was finally able to get rid of that anxiety. I no longer care at all what other people think of me, as long as I feel good about myself. This has opened up so many opportunities that I would have missed out on otherwise.

13. Jerry and I visiting Dan and Laurel in Seattle

On my trips to Portland, I've gone up to Seattle a couple of times now. Dan and Laurel are one of the most fun couples I know, and I was so excited for Jerry to meet them. We had a fantastic couple of days (starting with Laurel announcing that she's pregnant!). I'm already looking forward to visiting next year so that I can meet the baby :)

14. Visiting Thomas in Portland

From Seattle, Jerry and I drove back down to Portland to meet up with Thomas for a few days. Thomas planned lots of fun things for us to do, and he managed to choose things that would interest both Jerry and me (not an easy task). I was thrilled that Jerry finally got to see all the things I love about the Pacific Northwest.

15. A visit from Caitlin

I went to Boston in April to visit Caitlin (a blog reader who eventually turned into one of my best friends), which was tough not to include on this list (I had to narrow my list down from 52(!!) to 17.) I had so much fun with her while she was here, and the trip went by way too fast. One of the best parts was that I convinced her to do a boudoir photoshoot, and despite being very nervous and expecting to hate every minute of it, she LOVED it. She loved it so much that she wrote a guest post about it, which I will share soon.

16. Family photos with Santa

My kids had never gotten pictures with Santa before, and Jerry needed some cheering up, so I planned a surprise visit to Somerset Collection (an upscale mall) to have a photo session with Santa. We all had so much fun! We got some great photos out of it, too. We went to dinner afterward, and the whole afternoon/evening was a very fun way to spend time with the family.

17. Getting together with my childhood friends for the holidays

I have been friends with this group for well over 30 years. We try to get together every Christmas, but we missed the last two years. On Friday, they came to my house, and it was so fun getting to catch up with them. I even had photos printed of us from childhood, and it was fun looking through those and reminiscing.

The youngest of the group, Spence (Lance's younger brother--I've mentioned Lance several times on my blog), was diagnosed last month with stage 4 glioblastoma (brain cancer). I don't want to write about that now, because it was one of the biggest punches in the stomach I've ever felt; but spending time with these friends a few days ago meant more to me than ever before. I'm going to his house tonight for a New Year's Eve get together.

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Considering the fact that I had to narrow down this list from 52 to 17, this year was clearly a very good year. Although it was off to a rocky start, this year ended up being one of the best ever!

Some fun facts for 2017:

I ran 146.85 miles this year. My lowest ever--by far. In September 2013, I actually ran 205 miles in a MONTH. There were two months this year that I didn't run a single mile. I don't regret any of it, though. I did what felt right for me at the time.

The food I consumed the most of was probably Mott's fruit snacks. I can't get enough of them, and I've been eating them every day for probably 10 months.

My most memorable meal was the Corn in a Cup I had in Indy. Not necessarily my very favorite meal, but certainly the most memorable. I saw a stand at the mall advertising "Corn in a Cup" and they were giving out samples. I was blown away at how good it was (corn with some seasonings). I was craving it all day, and when everyone else had pizza, I got Corn in a Cup, hahahaha.

My current favorite breakfast is some sort of sugar cereal (Cap'n Crunch is my favorite)
My current favorite TV Show is probably "The Good Doctor" or "This Is Us"
My current favorite evening treat is Mott's fruit snacks

What I am most looking forward to in 2018? Our family vacation to Boston!

Tomorrow, I'll write a post about my goals for 2018.

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The 7 (Very Effective!) Life Changes I've Made in Pursuit of Happiness

After a very long depressive episode last year, I've been writing a lot this year about the "pursuit to my happiest life". When wording that, I didn't want to say "pursuit to happiness" or "pursuit of happiness", because that would sound like I have nothing to be happy about already. And that's not the case--I have plenty of great things in my life!

When I say "my happiest life", I mean that I want to consistently pursue habits and transformations that make me happy. To reach the level of "happiest" would mean that it can't get any better. And since there is no "cap" on the amount of happiness one can have, I want to continue to learn about and practice the things that make me happy.

This year has been ground-breaking for me. If happiness was a mountain, I started in the lowest point of the valley and charged up three quarters of that mountain over a relatively short period. I still cannot believe the changes that have occurred!


There are several things that have helped me so much in this pursuit that I thought it would be appropriate to write about them. These have literally changed my life for the better in so many ways:


I started psychotherapy

Psychotherapy, or "talk" therapy, always seemed to be one of those things that worked for other people, but just wasn't for me. I really didn't believe that I could learn anything about myself that would change my life. I didn't have any big issues from childhood (abuse, neglect, major loss, etc).

This year, I discovered just how wrong I was to think that psychotherapy wouldn't (or couldn't) help me. It all started with finding a therapist that I really clicked with. If I didn't like my therapist, I never would have opened up enough to discover anything about myself.

In one of my sessions, I had a huge breakthrough that explained so many things about my past, my personality, my anxiety, my relationships, and several other areas of my life.

I feel like that particular therapy session--that "aha!" moment--was the beginning of this pursuit to my happiest life. Everything about my life started making sense, and I was able to start piecing it all together to move forward in my pursuit.


I stopped caring about what other people think of me

This is something that I have struggled with my entire life. Starting in elementary school, I always wanted to fit in; so I did what I thought other people would like, conforming in any way that I could, rather than just being myself.

My feelings would get hurt so easily. I wrote in depth about this in my post about social media causing such severe anxiety. I lived with horrible anxiety for most of my life because I was worried about what other people thought of me. It was because of my "aha!" moment in psychotherapy that I was able to finally let go of that anxiety.

This is me not caring. (Just kidding, it was just one of a trillion pictures

Jerry took of me when I was trying to get ready in Portland.

I started speaking my mind

Because of the said "aha!" moment, I was able to start speaking my mind. I instantly had all the freedom I'd always wanted. I had always been a people-pleaser, doing things that I didn't want to do (or not doing things that I wanted to!) simply because I didn't want to hurt someone's feelings or because I felt obligated.

When I stopped caring what other people think of me, I started speaking my mind--even if it wasn't what others wanted to hear. I always do my best to be polite when I say what I'm really thinking. I also validate others' feelings, which I believe goes hand-in-hand with speaking my mind. Just because I am no longer a people-pleaser doesn't mean I want to be a jerk.

I used to keep quiet if I disagreed with or didn't like something. Now, I feel free to politely disagree or simply state that I don't care for care for something. I used to feel like a doormat--people could walk all over me because I didn't want to stand up for myself. Now, I do or say what I want, and it feels so nice to say my opinion out loud!

Giving someone a piece of my mind! (Just kidding, I was actually rapping along with Eminem)

And you know what? The world didn't end. People didn't suddenly hate me. If they don't like something that I say or if they disagree with me, they don't end our relationship--they get over it, just as I would.


 I stopped avoiding confrontations 

If someone does or says something that bothers me, I simply tell them so (in a validating way). I've found it much easier to say what's bothering me and talk about it than to worry about things and pick things apart inside of my head.

For example, if a friend makes a comment that hurts my feelings somehow, I will just say, "Hey, it kind of bothered me when you said (whatever it is they said). What did you mean by that?" Most of the time, I find out that I am reading too much into it--particularly when it's in a text message. Texts are so hard to read sometimes, because you can't convey sarcasm or jokes very easily.

I always feel better after confronting the issue head-on. I used to let it take up so much of my head space that it would nag at me constantly until I finally was able to (mostly) forget about it. This usually caused "catastrophic thinking", where I automatically assumed the worst: "This person hates me" or "This person never wants to hang out with me again", etc.

I've learned that confrontations aren't necessarily a bad thing. Both parties can speak their minds, and then move on. And using the validation technique I learned in therapy keeps confrontation civilized. It's liberating!


 I stopped hiding my authentic self

I don't feel embarrassed or apologetic for my quirks. And I have a lot of odd quirks! However, I've learned that many of them are symptomatic of bipolar. My diagnosis helped me to feel at peace with these, because now I know it's "normal" for someone with bipolar to feel or act certain ways. But even for the oddball things that make me ME, I don't try to hide or apologize for them.

I have accepted things about myself that I always felt like I needed to change. My weight fluctuations, for example. Of course I don't like the fact that my weight has gone up and down in a range of 30 pounds rather than the ideal 5 pounds, but that's what's happened over the last 7 years; and I have finally accepted that maybe it's just the way my body works!

I embrace the things about me that are unique, even if they seem weird to other people. I want my kids to grow up feeling happy about who they are and not feel like they have to conform to fit in with others; and the best way they can learn this is to see ME doing it. I've learned that I actually really like my quirky, weird, authentic self.

Who doesn't love red plaid pants?

Eli had been wanting to dye his hair green for some time, so we finally did it on Sunday. He was SO excited to go to school the next day with his newly dyed hair; and when he did, he said the kids all teased him for it. I felt terrible for him.

I asked Eli if HE liked it, and he said yes. I told him we could change it back if he wanted, but if he likes it, then that's all that matters--he should do what he likes, and not do things just to fit in with other people. He agreed with that, and he went to school this morning with his green hair, styled the way he likes it. I can't even begin to describe how proud I am of him!


 I started saying "yes" more

I used to turn down so many opportunities simply because they were outside of my comfort zone. As a shy introvert, I feel safe and comfortable at home; but because of this, I didn't even give new opportunities a chance.

I always feel awkward in social situations, unless it's just myself and one or two other people. So, if I was invited to do things in a large group, I would rather have just said no than to let it stress me out. When I decided to pursue my happiest life, I also decided that I would say yes to things outside of my comfort zone--otherwise, how would I know what would make me happy if I didn't try new things?

An example of this is when my friend Jessica asked me if I wanted to go on a party bus to Greektown Casino in Detroit. This was the ultimate test for me--riding on a bus full of people where I don't know a single soul except for Jessica, and going to a casino as well as walking around downtown on a Saturday night? Totally unlike me. But I immediately said yes.

Right before I lost $20 in 30 seconds on the Wheel of Fortune slot

Jessica admitted she was totally shocked when I agreed. And I knew I was probably the last friend on her list that she would ask, simply because she expected me to say no.

I actually had a really great time! I still felt awkward around people I didn't know, but I know that putting myself in situations like that will help me to feel more comfortable down the road. Maybe someday, I'll even be good at small talk... who knows? ;)


 I simply stopped doing things that didn't make me happy

The most obvious example of this is running. Last year, I became so tired of running; I dreaded it every day. I had run for seven years, and I just wanted to stop. But I'm "Runs for Cookies"! Who would I be if I wasn't a runner?

I struggled with this decision quite a bit, and it was very hard to formally make the decision (let alone make that decision public). But once it was out in the open, holy cow--I felt an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders. I didn't have to pressure myself to run each day, come up with new goals, or set PR's. It was awesome!

(As you know, I have recently started running again, and I'm actually very happy about it. I needed that long break--eight months--to feel rejuvenated and excited about running again.)

See how excited I am to be running again?!

Another thing that I stopped doing is binge eating. This one was tricky, because I've never been able to make the decision to "just stop" when it comes to food. But for a few months, I constantly asked myself (about almost everything I did) if it made me happy. And binge eating never made me happy.

During a binge, I felt okay because I just didn't care about anything in that moment. Afterward, however, I felt so much self-hatred for it. There was never a part about binge eating that actually made me HAPPY. It either numbed me or made me hate myself.

There have been several times over the last eight months that I have found myself starting to think that I wanted to binge--usually out of boredom or because I feel some sort of uncomfortable emotion (almost always anxiety). Where I would usually struggle with myself for a while, going back and forth in my head about whether or not to do it, now I just remind myself that it's not something that makes me happy. It never has been, and never will be. Since it doesn't make me happy, there is no reason for doing it.

What is the point of doing anything if it doesn't make you happy? There are a few circumstances where it's appropriate (or necessary) to do things we don't want to--like going to work, for example. Maybe work doesn't make us happy, but we know we have to do it. In that case, we just make the best of it that we can.

Another example of this would be housework. I can't say that cleaning out the litter box or scrubbing the shower makes me happy; but I do feel happy when my house is clean. Prior to this pursuit of my happiest life, my house wasn't filthy, but it certainly wasn't clean most of the time. We had things strewn about here and there; laundry would pile up until it was unavoidable; you could make a safe bet that the sink always had several dirty dishes inside; and many other things.

I can't explain why, but I could never relax and enjoy myself when my house was messy. It nagged at the back of my mind, and the obvious answer would be to just clean the house. It felt overwhelming and pointless, though, because it was just going to get messy again the second my kids got home from school.

When I started doing what makes me happy, I had to look at things like housework as one degree away from happiness. Certain household chores most certainly didn't make me happy, but having a clean house always makes me very happy.

Just Luke and me, admiring how clean the house is

If someone unexpectedly stops by my house, I don't have to feel embarrassed or apologize for the mess. If we make plans for company, I don't have to spend a full day or two beforehand deep cleaning the house. THOSE are the things that make me happy, and that makes the dreadful chores worth it.

Also, I discovered that there are a lot of chores that I actually do enjoy: organizing closets, drawers, cupboards, etc; folding clothes; vacuuming; cleaning the windows; weeding the landscape; dusting; and several others. I will never enjoy washing pots and pans or cleaning the litter box, however ;)

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So, the first step to doing things that make me happy was to really step back and look at what was making happy and what wasn't. I eliminated the (unnecessary) things that didn't make me happy; and as for the things that I have to do regardless of whether I want to or not, I looked at them from a degree or two away. These changes have made such a huge difference in my life.

I'm sure there are many things that I've forgotten to include on this short list (yet very long post), but these are some of the best transformations I've made for myself. I'm the happiest I've been in the longest I can remember, and it's not due to external factors--it's all from things that I've worked on inside of myself.

As cheesy as it sounds, I've learned that true happiness really does have to come from within--nobody else can make me happy; nor can money, objects, or just expecting things to happen on their own. I had to make changes to the way I was looking at or doing things in order to find joy in them.

So, the pursuit to my happiest life continues, but I am clearly off to a running start (no pun intended); and I feel liberated in a way I've never felt before :)

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Freeing Myself of the Anxiety from Social Media

Once again, this post has been a long time coming. It's a topic I've been wanting to write about for over five years. I never actually thought I would bring myself to do it, because it makes me my most vulnerable; but, I finally feel like I'm in the right frame of mind to do so. (Hopefully I'm not just hypomanic, only to wind up regretting this later! haha). As I was about to post this last night, my internet went out! So here goes...

I started blogging in 2000. Back then, it wasn't really called "blogging"--it was referred to as an online journal. I basically wrote as if it was my diary (much like I do now). I had a small handful of readers, and even though we'd never met in person, I felt like they were friends. I was extremely honest and open, and I felt comfortable being that way.

When I switched to Blogger, I never expected to get so many new readers so quickly. I only made the switch because posting photos was easier on Blogger than it was on my previous platform (called Open Diary). When my blog readership grew very quickly, I was terrified. I had no idea why people were reading the random goings-on in my life, and I started to feel self-conscious. However, I had been blogging for 11 years at that point, so I just kept writing how I always had.

At that point, I never expected the hate that I would soon get.

I don't write a very controversial blog, so I couldn't understand why people would go out of their way to write comments or emails that were directly trying to hurt me. Having blogged for 11 years, I was so used to people being kind (or at least respectful); so when people started writing comments that were deliberately hurtful, I was taken aback.

The first time I saw a hate-thread on social media about me, I cried for three days. I wanted to quit blogging, crawl into bed, and not come out. I began to question what was wrong with me, and I wondered if what those people said was accurate. I began to wonder if my "real life" friends thought the same things about me. (The comments I refer to in this post come from several sources, not just my blog itself: blog comments, my blog's social media, and email.)

In general, those comments filled me with self-doubt and made me question who I am--what kind of person I am. I'd always considered myself to be very kind, sensitive, sympathetic/empathetic, and generous. When I started getting the hurtful comments, I began to wonder whether I was, in fact, a terrible mom and role model; a lazy housewife without a "real" job; a selfish friend/daughter/sister; an unhealthy yo-yo dieter; and all sorts of other things.

This is me, just sitting around eating bon-bons and watching my soaps, because that's what I do all day without a "real" job while my husband works 300 hours per week:

My kids couldn't ask for a better role model! I taught them how to pack in the most sugary, fattening toppings on a minuscule dollop of frozen yogurt. And that it's perfectly acceptable to eat this for dinner on Father's Day:

Of course, I'm way too selfish to care about anyone but myself. I just truly enjoy wearing matching family shirts in public when my brother runs his first marathon:

And let's not forget the drinking on the job!

Overall, 99% of the feedback I get on my blog is positive and/or respectful; but it was that 1% that stuck in my mind. Each time I got a mean comment that was meant to hurt me, it was all I could focus on. I desperately wanted to be one of those people who could just brush off the negativity and move on.

I tried not to care. I lied to myself and tried to convince myself that I didn't care.

One day I noticed a ton of traffic coming from a particular site I'd never heard of, and I clicked over to it to see what the traffic was all about. It turned out to be a hate site directed toward bloggers, and there was a thread about me. I read it and cried--again, I was tempted to stop blogging.

From that day on, I dreaded signing into Blogger. Until Blogger changed their sign in screen recently, the home page would show my traffic (page views, search words, and traffic sources). I started covering the screen with my arm when I signed in, so that I couldn't see where my traffic was coming from. I knew if I saw that hate site, my stomach would feel like I'd swallowed lead, and I would feel the worst anxiety I'd ever felt.

I never read that site again (even when I saw that I was getting traffic from it), because I didn't think I'd be able to handle the hateful comments (and what good would it do, really?); but even seeing that I was getting traffic from it would eat me up inside, always making me wonder what they were writing about me.

Another thing I started to dread was 9:00 in the evenings--when my blog post would go live. Anonymous comments were enabled then, and I would be filled with anxiety while I waited for the first comment on my post. I had Gmail notifications on my phone, so whenever I would get an email, it would pop up on my phone (I receive an email for each comment that someone writes). Once 9:00 came around each day, I would have my phone in hand--heart racing, sweating, irritable, worrying about the comments.

Whenever I saw "Anonymous has left a comment...", my anxiety would skyrocket. The mean comments are always anonymous. Like I said, 99% of the feedback was positive, so I really shouldn't have been so anxious; but as you know, you can't exactly choose how you feel.

It got so bad that I had constant anxiety when thinking about my blog. Until then, I had loved writing every day. I always looked forward to writing in my blog, reading the comments, and meeting new people. It brought me joy. Once the anxiety got to the point where it was affecting my entire life, I knew I had to change something. But I didn't know what to change.

So, I stopped writing as frequently. And when I did write, I tried to keep it kind of boring. I stopped writing such personal things so that if people had something mean to say, at least it wouldn't be so much directed at me.

But I soon learned that it didn't matter what I wrote--there would always be somebody who would find something to say in order to make me feel bad. Still, I tried to keep my blog positive.

One time, I posted a photo of me in a dress because I thought I looked nice (I don't dress up often) and someone called me a "smug c*nt"--I actually burst out laughing at that comment, though! Even to this day, my friends will joke around about what a "smug c*nt" I am, hahaha.

SO smug... just look at how that smile says, "I'm so much better than you":

In all seriousness, though, the comments changed me as a writer. I hated that it did, because I wasn't writing the things I wanted to write. From the time I learned to read, I wanted to be a writer when I grew up. And I was good at it! I used to win the creative authors award each year, and I wrote short stories in my free time.

By allowing those comments to get under my skin, I was holding back so much of what I had to say. I desperately wanted to just focus on the good and on being myself, but I hated feeling so vulnerable when I would post personal things. So, I chose to write about impersonal, kind of boring things that didn't make me feel so vulnerable. I even lost a lot of readers, and I felt relief about that.

When I was going through depressive episodes in particular, I had a very hard time writing anything at all. When you look at last year's depression, I wasn't blogging very often--I just didn't feel like I could deal with hateful people when I was feeling so down as it was.

Early last year, I disabled anonymous comments, and it helped tremendously. Now, if someone disagrees with me, they tend to do so in a respectful manner--and that's all I ask for. I certainly don't expect everyone to agree with everything I say, but there is a way of expressing disagreement without deliberately trying to be hurtful.

I was bummed to disable the anonymous comments, because I had several "regulars" who would use the anonymous form and then sign the comment. I even sent several of them emails to let them know why I was disabling the anonymous option, and they were very understanding. That's actually how I became friends with Martine, who I met up with when I went to San Diego this year :)

I also disabled my Gmail notifications, so that I actually have to go into the app to see if I have new email. That was also helpful, because I don't feel like I have to read comments as soon as I see the notification. Removing the anonymous comment option and disabling the Gmail notifications took away about 50% of my anxiety, which was a great start.

It wasn't until early this year, when I had a big breakthrough in therapy, was diagnosed with bipolar, and started the correct medication that I finally got to the point where I just don't care. When I've gotten mean comments or emails, I've actually been able to laugh about them, make fun of them, and sometimes I even respond to them. Usually with sarcasm.

This time, I am not just convincing myself I don't care. I truly don't give a shit what people think about me! And you know what? That is the greatest feeling. I love that I can be myself, write what I want to write, make myself vulnerable, and never second guess the person I am.

I AM kind, sensitive, sympathetic/empathetic, and generous. I am also a good listener. I treat people with respect. I try to be the best role model I can for my boys. I am honest. I care so much about my friends and family and would do just about anything for them. I am smart. I love to teach people things that I know well. I'm a good running coach. I eat junk food, and I'm not at all sorry about it. I'm thoughtful and enjoy doing things that will make others happy. I've always been a very creative person, too.

I mess up sometimes, but so does everybody. I forget things, like birthdays, once in a while--but I am sincere when I apologize for it. I might say something offensive or inappropriate now and then, but I never say things with the intention of actually hurting people with my words.

Sometimes I'm too ambitious and don't follow through with things I've said I will do--I guess I'll just blame that one on bipolar disorder, haha. My diet is atrocious and for God's sake, how many grapes can I eat without getting diabetes?! But if that's the worst thing about me, then I'm pretty proud.

Basically diabetes in a bowl:

The reason I took so long to write this post is because I knew it would make me even more vulnerable--probably my most vulnerable. I thought that when the "haters" would read about how the comments caused me so much anxiety, they would be "winning" and getting what they were after. I didn't want to give them the satisfaction, so I chose not to say anything at all. And I was afraid of the feedback I would get, honestly!

By posting this today, I am declaring that I am ME, and I'm done trying to always portray a better version of me. I am fine just the way I am, and I am happy with who I am, even with my flaws. Maybe that makes me a smug c*nt (ha!), but I can rest easy and be thankful that I am not filled with so much hate that I try to hurt other people when they are making themselves vulnerable.

I am filled with admiration for people who are comfortable enough to be themselves, whether they "fit in" or not. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders since I finally stopped trying to change everything about me to please other people. The only thing I'm sorry for is that I wasted so much of my time and energy feeling anxious about what people were going to say about me.

When I started losing weight eight years ago, I never EVER imagined that I would actually reach my goal weight (let alone maintain it). And just like then, I never EVER imagined that I would one day feel comfortable with being my true, imperfect self. It's taken me 35 years to get to this point, but I can express with 100% certainty that it was worth it.

(And to those of you that have left kind and/or respectful comments on my blog--whether regularly or just once-- thank you! If not for those comments, I certainly would have quit blogging when I went through such a rough time. I can't even count the number of times that a particular comment has made my day or filled me with joy somehow. I read and appreciate every single one of them. xo)

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Big goals and plans!

Why, oh why, is the time going by so quickly?! I cannot believe that it's been a week since I've been home from California. I don't feel like I've been insanely busy, but looking back over the week, I guess I have been.

I've been doing really well as far as my depression goes. I still feel the effects of it, but I am actively working on making plans and doing things that will make me happier in the long run. I know I've been writing a lot about my depression lately, but it felt like it was all-consuming for a while. There are a lot of people who have expressed that they are grateful that I've been openly discussing it, so I wanted to write candidly about it. Now, I am hoping that I'll be writing more and more about feeling better and getting back to the "normal" groove I strive for.

I've been thinking a lot about what exactly caused this tailspin last year. I felt on top of the world a year ago, and everything took such a drastic turn. I was at my lowest weight (about 121 pounds) a year ago, and I was training SO hard for my 10K. I was regularly running sub-8:00 miles, and feeling fantastic about it.

I don't write this now to dwell on the changes, but rather to hopefully see what happened to cause the change. I've finally narrowed it down to my first therapist. I started therapy last spring, because I was having panic attacks almost daily and my anxiety was terrible (the depression was almost nonexistent a year ago). I ran my 10K in April, crushing my goal and finishing in 49:03. Then, I had no idea what to do next.

I did it!! Now what?!

I mentioned to the therapist that I have always been a goal-oriented person. I set a goal, and do my best to complete it--and I love setting goals! The therapist told me that I should try to be content with my life without always having a goal. She said that I needed to learn how to just be content as-is, because what if I can't set goals one day--would it send me into a tailspin?

Well, in retrospect, I should have listened to my gut feeling and continued to do what worked for me for so long. There is nothing wrong with having goals! By not setting any new goals, I felt lost and unmotivated. I started skipping more and more runs, simply because I wasn't training for a race or anything.

I kept hoping that I would eventually feel motivated to take care of myself even without having a goal of some sort, but it never happened. I put on a lot of weight very quickly last summer, but without a goal in the fall, I had no plan in place to take the weight back off.

One thing that I am very grateful for is that I had an epiphany about my summer weight gain. I no longer feel ashamed of it, and I don't panic about it. I'm not embarrassed to to post photos of myself at this weight anymore. I don't enjoy being a higher weight, of course, and I'm actively trying to take it off; but, I don't feel embarrassed or ashamed anymore, either. I'd say that's a big improvement!

Anyway, I think the therapist's advice to stop making goals was definitely the wrong plan for me. I know what she was going for, and she had good intentions, but my personality thrives on goals. So, I started a bullet journal for my goals and to track my way back to goal weight and being in shape. (My current therapist agrees that goals are the way I get things done, and I thrive that way).

Since I am SUPER excited about going to Vegas in November to meet up with a ton of From Fat to Finish Line fans, my main focus is to be happy with my appearance and my physical condition when I go on the trip. There are 38 weeks until the Vegas trip, which is plenty of time to accomplish this. Ideally, I'd like to weigh about 125 for that race (I'll be running the half-marathon, and while I don't care to set a time goal, I'd like to feel great during the race).

I weighed in on my fancy new scale Wednesday:

I've been at this weight for about a month now, I think. (In case anyone is wondering, the new scale is the Health O Meter Professional 349KLX digital floor scale (Amazon affiliate link). It was definitely a splurge, as it was pretty expensive--but considering how much I use it, and that having a nice one would make me more motivated, it was worth it. I love it! And I'll never have to buy a scale again.)

So, my "if all the stars align" goal is to weigh 125 by November 9th. That would mean losing about 0.87 pounds per week, which is totally do-able. Of course, all the medication changes lately could have any number of consequences on my weight, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. My actual goal weight is 133, and not 125, but I've realized that I do better when I aim bigger than when I aim smaller. So, even if I "only" get down to 140 or 135, I will still be very happy with that.

Right now, I am training for the Indy Mini (13.1) in May. Once I finish that, I will pick another race to train for, just to keep myself going with goals. Indy is 12 weeks away, and training starts today! I'm following my own "Finish Strong" plan, which is a good choice for my current goal and situation.

I set up some pages in my bullet journal to get me started and motivate me to focus on my goals.

A little visual to see as I lose weight--I'll color in each
square as I reach that weight

To keep track of my weigh-ins, I like to do something that I did when I was losing the weight in 2009-2010. I calculate how much I need to lose each week in order to hit a goal by a certain time frame. Then, when I weigh in, I look to see how close I am to that goal number. I would ideally like the difference to be 0 or a negative number each week. On March 1, for example, if I weigh in at 154, the difference would be -1, because the goal for that date is 155 (meaning I'd be a pound below my goal for that date). Anyway, this is where I'll track that. I am also going to keep track of my weekly calories again. That was helpful last year when I needed to make adjustments. 

This is for a loss of one pound per week

Another reason I like to list a goal for each week ahead of time is so that I can see, "Hey, if I stay on track, I can be in the 130's by June 21!" or things like that. It helps to look ahead--kind of like on My Fitness Pal, when they tell you what you would weigh in five weeks if every day were like the current day.

I also wrote out my entire training plan for Indy, so I can color in the squares as I finish each workout. The goal is to have ALL the squares colored in, with the exception of four days that I'm allowing myself to play hooky.

Finally, I'd like to maybe do a couple of consistent blog posts each week as well. Would anyone be interested in the Motivational Monday posts again? I miss seeing all of the success stories in my inbox! If you're unfamiliar, I used to do a series on my blog called Motivational Monday. Each Monday, I would share a paragraph or two from someone who wanted to brag about a race they completed, a new PR, weight loss, trying a new activity, eating better, etc. Anything at all (health or fitness related) that someone wanted to share was fair game.

So, if you'd like to share, please send in a submission to me at MM@runsforcookies.com (MM for Motivational Monday). Please send one photo of your accomplishment, as well as 1-2 paragraphs telling us what you're proud of accomplishing. Depending on the response, I'd like to start next Monday, so please get them submitted soon! (Here is another explanation for submissions)

In addition to doing the Motivational Mondays again, I'd like to pick a couple of other consistent posts to do each week. On Wednesdays, it would be nice to get back to Wednesday Weigh-ins and a weekly recap of weight loss related stuff. I was thinking on Sundays, I could post a recap of my training/exercise for the week. Finally, I thought of doing something called "Foodie Friday" or something like that, where I will share a new recipe or food product and write a little about that.

I think by having series of different posts, I won't feel so lost as to what to write about. Having been blogging for so long, I feel like I've said everything there is to say! So, by having a consistent topic, I won't feel like I'm being redundant.

Wow, this post is much longer than I anticipated! I am feeling very excited about setting new goals and making plans for reaching them, though. I think this will help my depression a lot. Now, I'm going to head out to do my 40-minute run. I think I'll go to the state park. It's nice and sunny today!

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New therapist and new running goals

Today was my first appointment with my new therapist. It took a while to get in to see her, but she was highly recommended by a friend of mine, so I waited almost two weeks for the appointment. I was a little nervous to go, but nothing like I was for my first appointment with my previous therapist. Having already been through it, I knew what to expect.

I immediately liked her. (We'll call her "C" on my blog; I'll refer to my previous therapist as "N"). When I was seeing N, I always felt pretty awkward--she was VERY stoic, never showing any emotion at all--and I assumed this was just how all therapists were. It felt awkward if I would joke about something, and she didn't laugh or smile.

She also liked what I call the "awkward silence technique"--not talking at all until someone feels so awkward that they break the silence. It's very effective--and even knowing that it's a common technique to get someone talking, I still almost always caved in and filled the silence (ironically, the silences caused me a lot of anxiety regarding my appointments with N--and I was seeing her to help with anxiety, haha).

It got to the point where I was dreading my appointments. I just didn't feel like I was getting anywhere in therapy, even though I did learn a lot about myself. I don't think that seeing her was wasted time at all, but I found myself dreading my appointments so much that I finally "broke up with" N. At my friend's recommendation, I made an appointment with C.

What a huge difference! C smiled when she introduced herself, and I immediately felt comfortable. I loved that she smiled and laughed when appropriate, and sympathized at other times--I felt much more comfortable with someone who showed some emotion. I don't think that N's approach was "wrong" in any way--she's very knowledgable at what she does--but our personalities definitely clashed.

C asked me questions about what was going on with me and got some background information. There were no awkward silences, which was a relief. She was very compassionate and understanding, and best of all, she gave me hope that she can help me manage or overcome my depression and anxiety. The hour-long appointment flew by, and I scheduled a few more appointments (her schedule fills up very quickly). I'm actually really looking forward to my next appointment! I'm so glad that I didn't give up on therapy altogether. Like my friend told me, finding a therapist is like dating--you have to go on several first dates until you find one that you mesh with.

We're having a bit of a heat wave in Michigan right now. As I type this post, the dew point is 80 degrees! Just walking outside to let Joey go to the bathroom made me get all sticky. I wish it would thunderstorm, because we really need the rain right now, but so far we haven't had the storm.

I've been trying to think of some running goals to aim for this fall, and there are so many possibilities! A few ideas:

• A sub-1:50 half-marathon (something I've been thinking about for three years)
• A sub-23:00 5K (a 7:23/mile pace! crazy)
• No time goal, but just train to finish a half and run it for fun
• Continue to heart rate train, and see if I can get my "easy pace" lower
• Run an ultramarathon (haha, just kidding!)

When I was training for my recent 10K PR, I was loosely following a schedule on RunBritain.com, and I really liked it. It was different from any other plan I'd followed before, and it worked really well. RunBritain has a plan for a half-marathon (for a 1:35 finish--haha!). I could modify that a little, and use that to try and train for a 1:50 half-marathon. Then again, though, I loved training for a shorter distance, and I think doing 5K-specific training might be fun. 

Right now, I'm leaning toward a hard 5K. Then, if I decide I want to run a half-marathon, I could always do that as part of training and just run it very easy (it wouldn't be until November, and I have no idea how I'm going to be feeling then). It feels kind of exciting to think about running goals again!

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