Sober Sunday isn't going to become a "thing" (you know how long those last when I attempt to do that) but since I love alliteration and today is Sunday, I thought I'd write an update on my "Dry 2019" challenge. It's feeling less weird to call it "sobriety" and I'm definitely feeling more and more like drinking was a bigger problem for me than I initially thought.
Today is Day 62 of sobriety.
This is definitely the longest I've gone without alcohol since I was pregnant with Eli. (I wasn't able to breastfeed my kids due to medical reasons, so I didn't have to abstain postpartum; although, I wasn't really a big drinker then.)
At first, I completely resented this challenge (to stay alcohol-free for all of 2019). I was kicking myself, wondering why I came up with it in the first place (I'm sure I was drinking when I thought of it, haha) and then why I had to be so public about it. I wanted to quit.
Each day that passed, though, I started to realize what a huge role alcohol played in my day-to-day life. Wine was always something to look forward to in the evenings; and then toward the end of 2018, in the afternoons into the evenings. It was literally the only thing that calmed my anxiety. Anti-anxiety meds have never really done much for me, but alcohol (especially wine) worked like a charm. Even in small amounts.
I've been sleeping SO much better since I quit drinking. I wake up early on my own--today, I got up at 5:30 on a Sunday! I don't have that sour feeling in my stomach that I'd gotten used to. Or purple-gray stained teeth and tongue from the dark red wine.
It's gotten easier the longer I abstain. It was kind of like intermittent fasting, in a way, when I experimented with that. When I knew I couldn't eat between two particular times, I didn't even think about food. It was a non-issue. I loved that! Now, since alcohol is a non-issue, I don't really think about it much.
I had huge cravings at the beginning; not so much for the taste itself, but for the habit, the romanticizing, the calm-my-nerves feelings. A couple of times, on particularly stressful days, the cravings almost made me cave in. But I knew if I did it once, I'd be back to making it a regular habit.
I do make "mocktails" once in a while. Nothing fancy--I'll either have diet tonic with lime (I ADORE True Lime and True Lemon; I bought an enormous box of each because I use it so much. It's not a drink sweetener; it's literally just crystalized lime or lemon, and each packet is the equivalent of a lime or lemon wedge); or, I'll mix club soda with something like juice. I still love my tart cherry juice in a wine glass, too. Recently, I bought some good lemonade and I mix that with club soda and pour over ice from my ice machine.
Side note: Did I write about my ice machine? Jerry and the kids got it for me for my birthday, and it's pretty much my favorite present ever! I am an ice chewer, and have been for years (there is no medical reason for it--my iron is fine). I was buying bags of ice from Sonic every week and going through them so quickly that Jerry and the kids decided to see if an ice maker was an actual thing (we don't have one on our fridge). They discovered that it does, in fact, exist, and they bought me this one.
Anyway, it makes the perfect chewing ice (soft, so it's easy on my teeth, but still satisfyingly crunchy). It even spits out ice at a rate that I can't keep up with. I put the ice in my beloved Bubba water bottle (this is another of my very favorite things--I like it so much more than the expensive Tervis brand) and the ice does melt at all while I'm eating it. Look how cool the ice is shaped, too:
Luke and Riley stayed the night last week, and Luke has recognized my
When he was here last week, he wanted to hold my water bottle and feed Joey ice from it. So, he sat and gave Joey pieces of ice, one by one, until the bottle was empty! Hahaha. Joey loves ice, too.
Well, how's that for a tangent?!
Back to Sober Sunday. What was I saying? Oh, mocktails. So, my fancy ice with some sort of club soda and juice or lemonade, or my go-to tonic and lime, or my tart cherry juice make me continue with my routine in the evenings--just without the alcohol.
I also tasted Fre wine--a non-alcoholic wine--and I really didn't like it. I always assumed that non-alcoholic wine would be just like grape juice, but apparently it's wine with the alcohol removed, so it definitely tastes different. The store had Merlot or Chardonnay, and I chose the Merlot. I took a few sips and then poured out the bottle. I'll stick with tart cherry juice.
Now, I'm not going to pretend that a mocktail does the same for me mentally as a cocktail or real wine. I miss the wine buzz where I feel warm and glowy and happy. I'm pretty sure Jerry misses it, too, because it would always put me in a good mood. But he's super supportive of my doing this, and he won't even drink beer in front of me anymore. I'm not into craft beer, so it honestly wouldn't bother me one bit if he did, but that's just the way he is. I'm lucky he's so supportive.
So, the main reason I wanted to write this post is to share how I think alcohol played a more significant role in my life than I thought; and that it was probably more of a problem than I thought.
For years, I was totally satisfied with one glass of wine in the evenings (or none at all, if I didn't have the calories to spend on it). And then, like I wrote before, I started getting severe anxiety about writing in my blog and eventually, I was drinking a bottle of wine when writing. Last summer, I would usually stop at the store for wine after cross country practice--I felt like I deserved it after the mental challenge of coaching 3rd-5th graders!
In all honesty, I wasn't feeling stressed after practice--I'd just told myself I was because it was an excuse to have a bottle of wine instead of a glass. I was romanticizing the idea, something that I did very well and that I think is a huge reason people develop drinking problems. I would imagine getting cozy in my pajamas, cuddling up on the couch to watch a movie or TV show with Jerry, and sipping my wine.
Except it never went that way. The romantic thoughts of situations like that were never the reality, and never as good as I imagined in my head. Instead, I'd drink the first two glasses rather quickly, feel very talkative and energetic (and start snacking), but the third glass would make me sleepy. So I'd finish it off and then go to sleep. What was the point?!
I'd fall asleep easily, but then wake up at 2:00 or so in the morning and toss and turn the rest of the night. Wake up super tired, drag myself out of bed, brush the sour taste out of my mouth, and eat something to get rid of the pit in my stomach.
Now, I still get sleepy on the early side, but it has nothing to do with alcohol. It's just part of a nightly routine (and Jerry is working days right now, getting up early, so we tend to go to bed together). I wake up earlier than needed, start a cup of coffee brewing (Jerry gets it ready for me in the morning before work, so all I have to do is push a button; this is one of my very favorite things he does that makes me feel loved).
I don't drink the coffee as a "perk me up", but more of a morning routine of "me time". I make a piece of sourdough toast and spread it with coconut oil (my current favorite breakfast) and sip my coffee until it's time to take the kids to school and start my day as a housewife (you know, where I sit and eat bonbons while watching soaps all day).
I like the coffee routine almost as much (if not more than) the wine routine at night. The coffee gives me that perky, talkative feeling that the first glass of wine did, but it doesn't make me feel bad later. I've been drinking coffee at least twice a day now, and I kind of wish I hadn't gotten into that habit (the caffeine is terrible for my anxiety) but I'll work on that habit later.
One thing at a time right now!
(By the way, there are a few Amazon affiliate links in this post--simply because I was going to mention the products anyways, so I thought I might as well link them.)
