June 28, 2011

Warm blueberries

When I checked my e-mail this morning, there was a Sparkpeople recipe for blueberry muffins. As soon as I read that, I got a big craving for warm blueberries. I KNEW I had to have some sort of blueberry-muffin-like breakfast. But since muffins are small and definitely not very filling, I decided to make oat bran and top it with warm blueberries. I added walnuts as an afterthought, and that breakfast totally hit the spot. Yum!

The only thing that would have made it better would be a shitload of brown sugar... but I settled for the natural sweetness of blueberries :)

While my kids were in their Safety City class, I decided to go to a local bike shop to possibly start looking for a bike to buy. I've been thinking about it ever since I started reading Lori's blog at Finding Radiance. She is the biking queen! I was super nervous walking into the shop, and when I got in there, I was so intimidated and freaked out that I just turned around and left, hopefully before anyone saw me.

This is going to sound weird, but I'll try and explain: I feel like I don't deserve to be in "athletic" shops (running, biking), because "I'm fat". And even though my BODY isn't fat anymore, my MIND still is, and I feel like everyone in the shop would look at me and think, "What is that fat girl doing in here? She can't be a runner (or biker, or whatever athlete)."

Now, I know this sounds ridiculous, but my mind is a little fucked up from the weight loss still. I even feel like this when I run races. I feel like a phony, trying to fit in with "real" runners. I feel the same way when I am shopping for clothes in the junior's section or even the misses section. I feel like I should be shopping in the plus size section, and I feel like everyone is staring at me thinking I'm delusional to be looking at small clothes like that.

Now, I'm not implying whatsoever that fat people shouldn't be allowed to shop in running or biking stores! I'm just trying to explain how I feel when I go in those stores.

Anyway, enough of the serious talk. When I got home, I started working on some weight loss comparison photos for a future blog post. July 7th will mark the day one year ago that I "officially" reached 100 pounds lost. I could have sworn it was June 30th, but I just double-checked and apparently it was July 7th. Either way, it is a special day, because I will have maintained 100+ pounds lost for a YEAR. The odds of doing that were very much against me, but I managed. Hopefully I can come up with an insightful post for the anniversary!

Went for a short 3-mile run today. It was hot--almost 80 degrees and very sunny, but it's also super windy, so it didn't feel too bad. I also had negative splits for the first time in a while...

Later, we went to the boys' t-ball game. I took a picture of my husband, and I realized that when I zoomed in, I could see my reflection in his sunglasses...

(I guess that shows just how exciting t-ball games are! lol)

Do you feel intimidated shopping at athletic stores? I hope to get past this someday. Sooner, rather than later, because I really want to buy a bike!


  1. Misjosie (Sparkpeople)June 28, 2011

    I often feel this way at the gym, and since I joined, I rarely speak to anyone, even the employees. However, I recently started taking group classes, and am shocked at how many people chat with me (and not in a condescending "poor fat girl must not have any friends" way.) Helps that I go to one of those ladies gyms, I guess.

  2. AnonymousJune 28, 2011

    That looks amazing! I love that the blueberries just melt into the oats!

  3. I'm still a good 45-65 pounds from my LTG, but I totally know what mean about being a size outcast. I'm 198 pounds but still see myself at 345 and feel awkward and out of place with both my former and current sizes. Can't wait to "fit in" somewhere, so to speak.

  4. I ride a bike EVERYWHERE and am into the cycling culture - and I can say that people who ride bikes want EVERYONE to ride a bike. They definitely won't judge you - riding bikes is SO MUCH FUN! It seriously makes you feel like a kid again!

    But I do feel this way - at the gym I go to, I am one of the stronger people (and definitely damn near the strongest female) - and I put up pretty fast times on cardio-type workouts... and I still feel like the fat one. Granted, even though I wear a 6-8, most of the people I work out with have VISIBLE ABS... so I kind of AM the fat one (relatively speaking) - but NO one sees me that way... if I make a joke about my relative weight, they yell at me. LOL.

    One great thing about fitness is that most people are just happy that others are into fitness - and most people aren't judgmental.

    But, crazy girl, you are DEFINITELY a runner!

  5. When I bought my first bike I was 235 pounds. I'm just about 70lbs lighter these days, and a lot of that is because of that bike! Girl get in there and buy a bike. You won't regret it. :) I tell myself that what separates the athletes from the non-athletes is confidence and will power. I saw people larger than I am doing an Iron Man Tri a couple years ago. If they can do it, so can we!

  6. I know what you mean about feeling out of place shopping in the regular size sections of stores and at the sports-type stores. But I'm not even buying the biggest sizes in the regular sized section anymore, it's just that I still feel fat. I need to realize that people who see me today have no way to knowing that I used to be fat. They see me as a normal sized person. At least if they see me with clothes covering my upper arms and upper legs where I have lots of excess skin. And few people ever get to (HAVE TO?) see that hideousness!
    I can't believe you've kept over 100 lbs. off for a year! I can't wait for that milestone. Maintenance is tuff, no doubt about it, I'm up to 75 days as of today. YES--I count every day.
    And as to your blogging every day--I love it. I love to read your blogs, they're very entertaining, funny and inspirational. You GO KATIE!! Even though you're 30 years younger than me, you're my HERO!

  7. i feel this way all the time about everything. i constantly find myself going up to places and then turning around and chickening out talking mself out of being there. glad im not completely crazy and that other people do the same thing. lol. hoepfully we'll get over it someday. i have been riding my old bike i got for christmas when i was like 12. its a big mountain bike though and i just had to get some new tires for it. got my son a trailer to sit in behind me so i can pull him around wherever we wanna go.

  8. I feel the same way in stores! It's interesting to read that you still feel that way even after having maintained your loss for a year. (HUGE congrats, btw) I guess changing your self image takes a little more work than just changing your eating and exercise habits.

  9. I'm so glad I'm not alone!! I feel the same way when I buy smaller or try on smaller clothes. Like people are looking at me thinking, how on earth does she think she'll fit in those!! I guess it just takes time to adjust mentally.

    I also know I'm a size medium in most shirts and an 8/10 but for some reason on the hanger those clothes look like they'd be way to small. So I'll grab the next size up and try it on and I'm always surprised when it's too big and the one that looked too small actually fits.

  10. YES!!! I HATE going to the gym because I feel like all the skinny athletic people are like...look at that FAT girl here in the gym! When really, I SHOULD be in the gym and if anything...they should be thinking...good for her!!! But I don't feel that way, I feel like they're thinking I'm invading on their skinny, healthy turf and like I might break some of their equipment. I read your post about going into a running shop to get fit for shoes and I was thinking..."I could never do that at the size I am!" So you are definitely NOT alone.


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