Weight Loss Wednesday: Feeling Fat at Goal Weight

I think I am ready to start running again. But I will write about that in a minute.

Lately, I've been feeling fat. And before you slaughter me, hear me out; I know how ridiculous that sounds, especially for people who would be thrilled to be at the weight or size I'm at now. I used to hate the thin girls who complained about their extra five pounds while I was sitting there with over a hundred.

My attitude changed when I got down to my goal weight, and realized that I had to work just as hard to maintain my weight loss as I did to lose the weight. The girls who complained about five extra pounds? They had to work just as hard as I did to lose weight, if not harder. And it was not up to me to judge their reasons for wanting to drop five pounds.

I've learned that five extra pounds on top of my goal weight makes my clothes tight and uncomfortable, and I avoid wearing certain items of clothing because they aren't flattering anymore. I understand all of that now.

However, I have also learned something new during maintenance over these last several months: It's possible to feel fat even at my goal weight. I am still in a tight goal weight range, and it seems ridiculous that I could feel fat when I should be thrilled I'm maintaining, but I am sure I only feel this way because I'm not running.

I don't regret making that decision one bit--I am very glad that I've taken all of this time off of running. I needed the break, and badly. I was dreading my runs every single day, and I didn't see the point of it anymore. I had met all of my personal running goals, so I just wasn't excited about it. Or any kind of "formal" exercise, for that matter.

This is one of the last runs I remember really enjoying. It was around this time that my depressive episode started. (This was in May 2016)

The odd thing is, I don't know if it's all in my head or if I actually do look 10-15 pounds heavier than I did last year at this same weight. And honestly, I don't want to do a photo comparison, because it doesn't matter. Whether I feel bigger or I am bigger, the outcome is the same.

I learned that "feeling fat" can happen to anyone of any size, for all sorts of reasons. The reason I have been feeling fat lately is because I stopped running about eight months ago, and I've gotten "softer". I'm wearing the same size jeans, but they don't feel quite like they used to. I feel kind of uncomfortable in this body, and I'd like to feel as confident as I did when I was running--even when I was overweight and running.

There have been several times in the last few weeks that the thought of running again has popped into my head; and over the last week, I've really been thinking about it a lot. And the more I think about it, the more open I am to the idea of starting to run again.

I don't necessarily want to do it for cosmetic reasons. Perhaps I don't look at all bigger than I was last year at this weight--I don't know. But I do like that the negative thoughts I had about my body were so much quieter then. I felt proud of myself each time I reached a running goal, or just at the fact that I was "a runner".

I am aware that there are other exercises I could do--and I've tried--but nothing has ever given me the deep-in-your-gut-thrill that running does. There is something almost magical about it. Before I lost the weight, any thought at all that I may have had of being a runner was that it was literally impossible. I can't stress enough how the thought of being a runner wasn't even a thought at all, because it never occurred to me that it was an option for me.

I forced myself to try exercise videos, bike riding, swimming, and walking for fitness (among several other things), but I never dreamed I'd be able to run. And I think that is the biggest appeal to me--doing something I once thought was impossible.

I stay fairly active in my day-to-day life, but I don't push myself enough to get my heart rate up and drip sweat, or feel a post-run high. I used to love that feeling, until it just didn't feel that way anymore.

The thought of starting over now actually makes me excited. I like the idea of a sub-30 5K being challenging--last year, that was a cakewalk. Now, it is a challenge. I even like the idea of possibly running a half-marathon again someday. (No desire for a marathon--there aren't enough anti-crazy pills in the world for that to interest me!)

Yesterday, I made up my mind to run today, Saturday, and Tuesday. I am not going to think any further ahead than that. I want to see how it goes, how I feel, and if I want to continue. But I am not going to make a decision until I do those three runs.

Today, I actually felt really nervous about running! And I've become such a baby in the cold. I used to love the cold, but running when it's 30 degrees outside makes me not want to go out there. After I get started, I'm okay, but the thought of going outside in the cold turns me off.

I dressed in running clothes right away when I woke up, so I wouldn't change my mind. When I first started running back in 2010, I loved how my running clothes made me look like a ninja (or maybe a burglar). So, this morning, I wore my most ninja-like clothes, and prepared myself for the 30 degree temperature outside.

Totally fake half-smile

I dropped the kids off at school, and drove to the State Park. There is a 5K loop with zero shortcuts back to the car, which has two advantages: 1) I couldn't quit early because there was a lake between myself and the car; and 2) I couldn't slow to a walk, because I'd freeze to death.

Getting out there was the hard part, but once I started running, I felt like I was accomplishing something. I even thought that my pace must be in the low-9:00's, because I was working really hard. Then my first mile split beeped on my watch. I mean, 11:21 is almost the same as 9:00, right?

Second mile split: 11:42. Was there something wrong with my GPS?!

Halfway into my third mile, I saw my pace was around 11:30. I decided to play the game I used to play with myself all the time, and see if I could get my last mile under 11:00 (I used to make up little challenges for myself when a run felt hard for whatever reason--it helped bring out my competitive side). I was already halfway through the third mile, so I'd have to pick up the pace quite a bit; and I already felt like I was working hard.

With that mini-goal in my mind, I was determined to do it.

So, I did. Mile 3 was 10:52.

That heart rate! Such a huge change from my 10K training last year.

Today, when I was totally spent from a 5K, I felt that deep-down excitement about running again. Not on the surface, though--running is hard and my lungs were hurting and my legs felt weak and my nose was running and nobody else was out there, so why should I be? I'm talking about that deep-down determination that says, "I'm going to get better at this. Whatever it takes--one day, this run will be a cakewalk for me."

Today, my 5K time was 35:20. And I worked hard for that. Next time, maybe it'll be a little less!

The best part is, when I was done running today, I no longer felt fat--I felt strong (and also like I might die). My body size obviously hadn't changed in the 30  35+ minutes I was running those three miles, but it definitely made me feel better mentally. I'm actually looking forward to running again on Saturday.

Let's just hope I can even move tomorrow--I will probably be super sore! ;)

My weigh-in today:

At goal and feeling good about it :)

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RECIPE: Sweet Potato Casserole

Hands-down, my very favorite dish at Thanksgiving dinner is my mom's sweet potato casserole. I can leave the turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing--all of it--but give me the sweet potato casserole, and I am a very happy girl. It is no-doubt terribly unhealthy, but considering I only have it a couple of times a year, I don't even give that a second thought. Even when counting points or calories, I always saved enough for sweet potato casserole.

Anyway, there are a trillion recipes out there, most certainly with more appealing photos, but this photo was the only one I could find (it's from a past Thanksgiving dinner). Probably because I never think to take photos before inhaling the sweet potato casserole. Anyway, since Thanksgiving is coming up, I thought I'd share the recipe for my very favorite Thanksgiving dish!

Click here for a printer-friendly PDF

Sweet Potato Casserole

For the Potatoes:

3 cups of mashed sweet potatoes (with nothing added to them--just cooked and mashed)

1 cup of sugar

1 stick of butter, melted

2 eggs, beaten

1 tsp. vanilla

For the Topping:

1/2 cup brown sugar

1/4 cup of flour

2-1/2 Tbsp. butter

1/2 cup chopped walnuts or pecans

Mix all of the ingredients for the potatoes and spread in a 9x9 casserole dish. Combine the topping ingredients together (cutting in the butter with a fork) until crumbly, and sprinkle evenly over the potatoes. Bake at 350 for about 40 minutes.

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Mental Health Monday: Having "a person" on your side

Before I get into the point of my post, I just wanted to share that I did end up increasing my mood stabilizer dose (and yes, when I talk about changing meds, it's been discussed with my psychiatrist first). Last time I increased the dose, I got acne; so, the acne side effect may happen again, but the hypomania was making me crazy(-ier), and I needed to get back to the stable place that was making me feel "normal".

It's been six days, and already, I am feeling back to stable. The hypomanic phase was minimal this time, and didn't even last very long--a month or so? I'm not sure how I'll feel if the medication causes me to get acne again, but I will talk to my psychiatrist about it if it does. Side effects of medication suck! If it's not one thing, it's another.

Anyway, it's nice to know that this medication is working well for me in keeping me stable!

---

I came across the most powerful video today regarding mental illness, and I just have to share it. It's been viewed over 60 MILLION times, so maybe all of you have already seen it or heard of it. But I hadn't seen or heard of it until today, and it made me feel all the feelings.

The first time I watched it, I had choking sobs at about four different moments during the poem. Then I watched it again to see if there was anything I missed. Then I made Jerry watch it, and I explained to him why it was such a powerful video to someone (me) who has mental illness.


While I don't have obsessive compulsive disorder, this poem is the perfect explanation of why it is so powerful to those of us with mental illness to have "a person". I hate that phrase: "You're my person" (mainly because it reminds me of Grey's Anatomy!) but I'm not sure how else to explain it. Watching this made me feel so grateful to have a person on my side that I can count on.

Jerry is my person. I do have some really amazing friends--Thomas, when I want someone to tell me the truth with no sugar-coating, or to banter with in a very light-hearted way; Andrea, when I need to tell someone a deep secret without it turning into gossip; Caitlin, when I need to share news with someone, good or bad; Emily, when I need to talk to someone who understands bipolar; Renee, when I want to talk about running, wine, Shameless, or any of the other common interests we have; and several other people for several other reasons (I hope you know who you are).

But Jerry is my person. I am not an easy person to live with, let alone be married to for 14 years and counting.

I was misdiagnosed with major depression early in my life, and accepted that diagnosis until early this year, when I was diagnosed with bipolar. I took antidepressants for 16 years that were working basically as placebos, because they didn't do a damn thing for me. Each time I thought they were working, it was actually just a hypomanic phase that I was in. Depression, hypomania, depression, hypomania... since I was a kid. (*See the comment section for a better/more thorough timeline)

I have a lot of "quirks" due to the bipolar disorder that Jerry has either found endearing or just put up with all these years. He loves me unconditionally (and when you think of the meaning of that word--"unconditionally"--it really is powerful). No matter what I say, how I act, and how annoying some of my quirks are, he still loves me.

I've always been able to tell him if I'm feeling sad or irritated or crazy excited or depressed. He doesn't have the issues with mental illness that I do, but he has learned so much about it because he's helped me through it. And I'll never be able to put into words how much I notice and appreciate it.

Jerry is always the jokester and has a very carefree personality; but when someone around him says something offensive about mental illness, he is right there to tell them the facts in a very "fired-up" way, haha. He stands up for all people with mental illness on my behalf, and I love that about him.

There are a lot of people who have no idea what to do when someone they care about has a mental illness and needs help. So, they do what they can. And to me, it's so reassuring to know that they are trying.

And a lot of the time, I don't think these people realize how much they are appreciated. I don't think that someone's "person" always knows just how helpful they are in the everyday ways that they act around us. Those of us with mental illness appreciate (or at least I do, anyway!) the small gestures that make us feel "normal".

I choose to think about my bipolar with humor (hence all the memes). Jerry knows this, and he jokes about it all the time with me--which makes me happy! I love to laugh about it. I don't like for people to avoid the topic completely, or to feel uncomfortable mentioning it, and I especially don't want people to feel like they have to tiptoe around my feelings, just because I'm labeled with "bipolar". It's totally okay to joke about it with me!

Not all people with mental illness feel this way, of course. Some of us may want to avoid the topic, some may want to treat it very seriously, some may feel uncomfortable or offended by certain comments about it--and all of those are valid feelings to have--but the people closest to us as individuals will know exactly how we like to handle it, and I think that brings us comfort.

I don't know if I've made my point of all of this very clear, so I'll try to sum it up with this: As someone with mental illness, I very much appreciate the people close to me for doing little things they may not even know they are doing--continuing to invite me to go out, even when I've said "no" for the last 15 times they've asked; texting me randomly every so often, which lets me know they are thinking of me, even if it wasn't a conscious effort; validating my feelings, even when I don't feel like they are valid; and all sorts of other things.

I can't speak for anyone but myself, but these gestures make me feel loved and cared about, and that helps me in so many ways. If you are someone's "person", please know that the things you do to try to help probably don't go unnoticed. Maybe it's the right thing to try, maybe it's not, but I (and I think many others) very much appreciate the effort!

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TUTORIAL: 1 Second Everyday (1SE) Video App Tutorial

As you may know, on January 1st of this year, I started using an app called 1 Second Everyday. Basically, the app is used for selecting and saving just one second of video that you take each day, and the app stitches them all together. It's kind of like a slideshow of photos, only they are short videos instead. (You can see an example on the bottom of yesterday's post--my video for October.)

Watching the videos is so much more fun than watching a photo slideshow! You would be amazed at how many memories just one second of a video can bring. I have been posting mine each month; at the end of the year, though, I'll have a video of the entire year showing just one second of every day.

Since I've posted about it, I've gotten a lot of interest and a lot of questions regarding the app. Firstly, I am not associated with the app developers in any way. I paid $5 for the app at the beginning of the year, and I love it so much that I tell people about it all the time. I also share my videos on social media, and people always ask about it.

When I downloaded the app, there were no instructions. I was very confused how it worked, and it took some playing around with it to get it all figured out. Now, it literally takes me less than 30 seconds or so of each day to select my video clip and save it in the app.

Several other people have told me their frustration with it as well, so I decided to make a tutorial. I don't typically like to do "vlogs" (video blogs), but after taking some screen shots of the app for a written tutorial, I realized it would be a thousand times faster to do it in a video.

So, I apologize that this video is so long (I think it's 14 minutes or so), but I don't think that I drone on and on (who knows, maybe I do!). But I do hope that it will be helpful!

Here is a link to download the app (they have it for iOS and Android!), if you are interested (again, I get no commission or anything for this--although I should! Haha, I've recommended it to so many people.)

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Halloween Fun

Halloween has always been one of my favorite holidays. Obviously, as a fat kid, I loved the candy (ha!) but even as a teen, I loved passing out candy. My grandma would come over, and my mom would make dinner. And my dad would take my little brother and me trick-or-treating each year until we were teens; then I stayed home to pass out candy.

Once my family moved, the summer before I started 10th grade, we started the tradition of celebrating Mark's birthday. I looked forward to that every year! My dad would pick Mark up from the group home in the afternoon, and then we'd go to my parents' house for dinner and birthday cake. My dad would make a campfire in the driveway, and we would pass out candy to the trick-or-treaters. When my kids were born, they started going trick-or-treating from there, too.

When Mark died in 2014, the first Halloween was hard. My parents weren't sure what to do without our usual tradition, and we didn't go over there for dinner. I bought ice cream and lots of toppings and delivered it to Mark's group home for the residents to have sundaes. I think Mark would have liked that ;) Then we all did our own thing. Jerry took the kids trick-or-treating at his mom's, and I passed out candy at home (to all of the eight trick-or-treaters that we got).

Anyway, we haven't really developed a tradition as far as Halloween goes. But now that Luke is here, we did something fun that I hope we start doing every year--we went to Brian and Becky's house to have a fire in the driveway and pass out candy. They get a ton of trick-or-treaters! Brian bought about 180 full-size candy bars, and they only had about 20 left at the end of the evening.

Luke was SO adorable dressed as a mouse! Becky looked super cute, too, and even Brian wore mouse ears.

Brian made the "mouse trap" to sit over Luke's wagon

Noah was invited to a Halloween party, so he spent the evening with friends. Eli came to Brian and Becky's with us, and my parents met us there as well. We had "walking tacos" for dinner, and my mom made festive guacamole:

Then, I basically hogged Luke the whole evening. He was tired and pretty stone-faced, so I was determined to make him laugh. Or just smile a little bit.

I loved seeing all the kids in their costumes--there were some very creative ones. My favorite was a girl who was dressed as Abraham Lincoln. I didn't even know she was a girl until we said how much we liked the costume and she turned to us as she was leaving and said, "I'm a girl, too!" for the shock factor. Haha!

Jerry took Eli trick-or-treating around the neighborhood. Eli wanted to dress as the killer from "Happy Death Day", a movie we saw on Friday the 13th. It was his first time going to a scary movie, and he was very excited about it. I told him that people probably wouldn't recognize his costume, but he didn't care.

Noah dressed in the Indiana Jones costume I put together at the thrift store. I thought it looked awesome! He went trick-or-treating with his group of friends, and he said all the adults recognized his costume right away.

Earlier in the day, I wanted to get a photo of our family with the jack-o-lanterns we had carved. Jerry and I had a contest who could carve the better pumpkin (the kids judged), and I wanted mine to be unique. So, I made a bipolar pumpkin ;) I won. Obviously.

Jerry's, mine, Eli's, and Noah's

Anyway, I tried getting a family picture with my phone using an elaborate setup of a step stool, a book to prop up the stool at an angle, a broken iPhone tripod, and a couple of other things. We had it all in the street to get the picture, and then a car came down our street (we only have cars pass by about five times a day!). I moved everything, and as the car passed, a girl rolled down the window and asked if we wanted her to get the picture. So much easier!

Here is my 1 Second Everyday video for October. I can't believe I've been doing it for 10 months now! I'm super excited to watch the whole thing at the end of December.

Hope everyone had a fun Halloween!

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Getting the Family on Board with a Budget

The idea for this post was suggested to me by Bridgette, a reader of my blog. She asked how I got my family (especially the kids) on board with budgeting to pay down our debt; how we explained to them what it was all about; and how we decided how much allowance we should get.

First of all, the budget is still going really well! October was the worst our least productive month so far in how much we've been able to pay toward our debt, but that's because we incurred a lot of expenses we don't normally have: a down payment on Eli's orthodontics; Jerry's hospital bills from the ER visit; my physical therapy co-pays; and several other things. I wasn't even sure if we'd have any money left over at all!

(I have no photos for this post, so I'm just using what I can find--this is a picture of Eli with braces when he was three years old! He had a cross bite that caused him to choke on his food because he couldn't chew well, and the braces corrected it. He only had them for three months.)

We didn't overspend on anything this month except for those necessary extra expenses we incurred; so while our debt payment wasn't nearly as much as last month, we did manage to pay just over $600 onto the credit card.

So, our new debt balance is $4871.03.

I am pretty amazed that we managed that for October. Prior to our budget, we would have accumulated MORE debt last month. Jerry and I went on vacation, so not only was he not working (and not earning money), we were also spending money in Portland/Seattle.

Because we had each saved up our allowances to spend on vacation, we didn't have to charge things to the credit card. And we were very conscious of how much we spent, rather than "spending now and worrying about it later".

We don't have extra things written into our budget. Instead, we just use the extra money that we earn that we would normally pay toward our credit card debt. (Extra money is anything over $3300 for the month--see below for a quick explanation).

Our "zero sum" budget in a nutshell:

  We start each month with the "bare bones" amount that we will need to cover all expenses for the month (all of our bills, food, gas, regular medical co-pays, and allowances). Our "bare bones" total is $3300--maybe next week I'll break it all down into specifics. So, we start each month with $3300, knowing that we have all we need for the month.

  Each paycheck that we earn during the month gets set aside for the following month--so we aren't spending this month's earnings on this month's bills. We are using last month's earnings to pay for this month's bills. We are always one month ahead.

  Once we earn the $3300 that we'll need for the following month, anything we earn on top of that goes toward the credit card debt. For example, if we were to earn $5000 this month, then we would set aside $3300 for next month; and we would take that extra $1700 and pay it onto our credit card debt.

So, what I was saying before is that when we have extra expenses (like Eli's down payment for orthodontics), we pay for it with the extra money that would normally get paid onto our debt. It just means that we'll have less left over at the end of the month.

I'm actually really happy with that--in the past, months like last month would have accumulated quite a bit more debt (especially considering our vacation). It's kind of unbelievable to me that we actually had money left over!

Finally, I will get on with the topic that Bridgette asked about--how I got the family on board with living on a budget.

This part was actually really easy. I've come up with budget plans before--actually, pretty much every time I've had a hypomanic episode, I get a little crazy with the budget planning. I get very excited and calculate all the numbers, then plan it all out really well. I get the family on board with it, but then I've never followed through. (Again, how did I never recognize these symptoms of bipolar? Haha!)

YAY MATH!!

So, coming up with the plan itself was nothing new to my family (especially Jerry). He is used to seeing me getting crazy-excited about budgeting and paying off our debt; and then just days later, coming home from work to see me starting a project that we don't have the money for. He always laughed and found it endearing. Poor guy.

There was a rather big difference this time, though (aside from the fact that I am on medication to hopefully prevent me from getting hypomanic): we used a different type of budgeting plan. It's called "zero-sum" budgeting, which is what I explained briefly above. (Next week, if it interests anyone, I will write a very detailed example of one of our months to explain better.)

Anyway, the zero-sum budget was perfect for what we needed. Jerry's paychecks vary greatly from week to week, and I only get paid once a month (my checks can vary quite a bit as well). So, working with a set amount of money for an entire month was just what we needed; and since we didn't know how much we'd earn that month, using the previous month's earnings made perfect sense!

Once I figured out how that would work out, I was super excited--crazy excited, really, but in a non-crazy way (hahaha). Thankfully, my mood was stable and I was thinking with a level head. I explained to Jerry exactly how the budget worked, and he was impressed with how much sense it made.

I had already calculated the numbers--our "bare bones" amount per month, our average income per month, our debt total, and how long it would take us to pay off our debt if we earned X amount of money each month. He couldn't believe how quickly we could be debt free if we stuck to the plan.

I also went a step further and calculated how long it would take to pay off not only our credit card debt, but also our car and house. As of this month, if we stick to our budget, we will have all of it paid off in 35 months. Less than three years!

When I told Jerry, he instantly wanted to pick up as much overtime at work as possible. He was super excited about getting our house paid off. It took no convincing for him to get on board with the budget, because the thought of paying off our credit cards, car, and house while our kids are in high school was mind-blowing to us.

When we told the kids about it, they were actually really excited about the budget, too. We were honest with them about the debt--I want them to know about debt so they can avoid it when they are older!

About the budget, we told them that instead of us paying for things they want, we were going to give them an allowance, and they would have to use their allowances to buy the things they want. We said we would still buy the necessities, but they would not be allowed to ask us for things that they don't need--instead, they would have to save their allowances for it. They loved the idea of having their own money to spend however they want!

There were a few key factors that I think have makes this budget pretty painless for all of us:

1) We kept Netflix and Hulu in the budget. They aren't necessary by any means, but we don't have cable and there are a few shows we like to watch together as a family. If we eliminated all of the fun from our budget, we wouldn't last long. So, it's worth the $18 per month for the two apps.

2) We budget money for "allowance" (cash for each family member to use on anything we want that isn't in our budget). Without this, there is NO way that we would have stuck to our budget this long!

Jerry usually buys his "fancy" beer with his, and I saved almost all of mine for the first few months to use as spending money in Portland. However, since I'm having a hypomanic episode right now--hopefully not for long, because I increased the dose of my meds today--I've spent almost all of the money I had saved up (I mostly bought clothes at Salvation Army). Next time I start to get hypomanic symptoms, I'm going to give Jerry my money to hold on to.)

Jerry and his fancy beer

Anyway, I think the allowance is the most crucial part of sticking to our budget. None of us would be on board without it.

3) I also budgeted a "family fun" amount ($100) to do something as a family each month--going out to eat, to the movies, bowling, getting ice cream, etc. This gives us something to look forward to doing together; and, because it's in the budget, we actually set aside the quality time together each month.

Bridgette also asked how we decided how much to budget for allowance. At first, we planned on a weekly allowance, and we thought $10 per week was good for the kids. However, since everything else was monthly in our budget plan, we switched it over to a monthly allowance as well. Jerry and I each get $100 on the first of the month, and the kids each get $40.

The kids aren't old enough to drive yet, so they aren't going out with friends all the time (which keeps them from needing more money). Noah does go to the mall or movies with friends once in a while, but his allowance is enough to cover that. (Now he is more careful about how he spends his money--he's learned just how expensive the popcorn is at the movies!)

Those amounts seem to work well for us. It has certainly made us think before we buy things! I was so used to just throwing things in the cart or grabbing last-minute stuff I didn't need. Or when the kids were with me at the store, they would ask for things and I didn't give much thought to it before buying it. Now that we are using our own money for the things we want, we give a lot of thought to whether we REALLY want it. It's turned into a nice habit!

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How I'm (Finally) Maintaining My Goal Weight

A question I've been getting a lot this year has been what I've been doing to 1) Get back down to my goal weight; and 2) Maintain my goal weight for the last five months.

I've been reluctant to write about this, because you all know my history with weight loss/gain/maintenance. Remember that Oprah show where she walked onto stage pulling a wagon that held the amount of fat she'd lost? She was at her thinnest, and she did a big "reveal" that day at her goal weight. And then she gained it all back in the critical public eye.

It's been seven years since reaching my goal weight, and while I haven't gained back all (or even half) of the weight I lost, I still struggle with large weight fluctuations (nearly 30 pounds). So I guess I've been concerned that as soon as I write about what I've been doing to maintain my goal weight, all will be undone and you'll watch me gain it all back. Let's hope that's not the case!

And I honestly don't have anything magical to share, anyway. Nothing I'm going to write is something you haven't read at least a dozen times somewhere. But it's working for me--at least for now--so I might as well write about it. Maybe something will strike a chord and be helpful to someone else.

For a quick refresher timeline:

I was in my deepest depression in late 2016/early 2017, and my weight showed it--I can't remember exactly what my weight got up to, but I think it was around 160. I had spent nearly 10 months in a very long and dark depressive episode. That episode was the worst I've ever had.

This bird became my buddy at a very crucial time in my depression;
I cannot stress enough how perfect the timing was for that bird to find me!

I was trying different antidepressants while I waited for an appointment with a psychiatrist. Nothing was working. In early April, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and started new medication. It made a world of difference for me. I came out of my depression.

I finally had the courage to be myself. I "came out" to my friends and family about the bipolar disorder, and began making decisions that made ME happy--regardless of what anyone else thought.

It was around March that I realized that I was dreading running, so I went on an indefinite hiatus.

I also lost the urge to binge eat. I had been using food to self-medicate; and with a stable mood, I didn't need to do that anymore. I continued the habits I had used to lose the weight during my previous hypomanic episode, but I stopped counting calories.

So, there is a rough timeline of the events that have had an impact on my weight this year. That said, I'll try to explain exactly what I've been doing and the habits I've developed to reach and maintain my goal weight.

Like I said, I have no idea if this will be a "permanent" loss--we all know I've reached goal before only to gain back 30 pounds, so this may just be another of those episodes. But somehow, I feel like this is different. Just the diagnosis of bipolar disorder has helped me to understand my use of food to change my mood, and I've gotten good at recognizing it (and preventing emotional eating).

1) I eat only foods that I love. I don't follow a specific diet plan, or cut back on particular food groups. I literally eat anything at all that sounds good to me at the moment. I want to enjoy my food, and by enjoying everything I'm eating, I don't feel the need to overeat--I am satisfied with much less food overall.

2) I keep my portions minimal. I never really realized just how little food it takes to satisfy me until I started eating this way. I don't measure out my portions, but I try to imagine the size of my stomach and keep my meals to that size. Typically, I think this translates to about one cup of condensed food (the space the food would take up after eating it).

Much smaller (and cheaper!) frozen yogurt than I ever used to get

When doing Weight Watchers or counting calories, I always wanted to get the "most bang for my buck", so to speak--eating a lot of lower-calorie foods so that I could eat as much as I could while staying within my calorie range. Now, I just focus on the size of my meals and I don't worry about the calories at all. Richer foods make me feel full pretty quickly, and they are much more mentally satisfying.

A small portion of sweet and sour chicken with an egg roll

I have tried this sort of portion control ("intuitive eating") many times in the past, but wasn't successful with it. I never seemed to know when to stop eating. This time around, I have learned little ways to be more successful at it, so I'll try and explain those the best that I can:

I learned (through trial and error) approximately how much food it will take to satisfy me (where I feel just barely full--where I know if I eat more, I'm going to be uncomfortable).

I started by eating the recommended serving size of foods, and then adjusting that over a period of a few weeks, based on whether I was hungry shortly after eating, had enough energy, etc.

Now, I can look at my food and pretty accurately guess how much I will need to eat in order to feel satisfied. Like I wrote above, I learned that it takes approximately one cup of condensed food to make me feel just barely full. This amount obviously will vary greatly from person to person, though.

Yesterday, for example, Noah made hamburgers for dinner. They weren't enormous burgers, but I could tell that by looking at the density and size of the burger, there was no way I was going to need to eat all of it--my guess was about 3/4 of it, maybe a few bites more. I ended up eating about 3/4 of it, stopping when my stomach was feeling just barely full.

I don't have a set of "rules" that specify the amount I'm "allowed" to eat; I just listen to the little voice inside of me that says I've had enough. Usually, I know I've had enough when the food just doesn't "excite" me anymore (when I first start eating a cookie, for example, it's SO amazing--but with each bite, it gets a little less amazing. I don't want to waste the calories or stomach space on something that just doesn't taste as great as it did when I was hungry).

Continuing to eat beyond satisfaction is very uncomfortable for me, and I obviously would like to avoid that feeling. I would rather stop eating a little short of full than to feel bloated and stuffed. So I err on the side of caution.

By serving myself what looks like the correct portion for my stomach, and/or making a mental note about how much I think I'll need to feel satisfied, I don't have to constantly think about my level of fullness. I always hated this about trying to eat intuitively. The books all tell you to keep in check with your stomach and ask yourself with each bite whether you're still hungry. That's too much thinking to enjoy my food! Making a mental note and/or serving the correct portion takes the thinking out of it.

I also know (from trial and error/experience) that rich foods satisfy me more quickly than blander foods, so I need to eat less of them. For example, I make the most amazing fettuccine Alfredo, which is loaded with fat from butter, heavy cream, and parmesan cheese. One cup of it does not look like much in a bowl, but usually it only takes about 3/4 of a cup to make me feel comfortably full. Eating more than that feels like it's too rich; and like I said above, eating beyond that point makes the food taste not nearly as good as the first few bites did.

Moving on...

3) I eat only four times per day: breakfast between 6:30 and 8:00 (depending on how my morning goes); lunch between 11:30 and 1:30 (again, depending on my schedule for the day); dinner between 4:00 and 7:00; and a treat/snack between 8:00 and 9:00.

4) People have asked me how I deal with hunger between meals. By eating the correct portion size, I do get hungry before my next meal--but I prefer it that way. My food tastes so much better when I'm hungry! That said, I don't want to be starving an hour after a meal, either. I like to start feeling hungry about an hour before my next meal. I've learned that with the portion sizes I eat, it's pretty much right on target as far as how long I can go before being hungry again.

5) I pretty much stopped drinking alcohol. This was not due to trying to lose weight, but rather due to my bipolar disorder. When reading about bipolar, I recognized some of the symptoms in myself regarding alcohol--when I am hypomanic, I tend to drink more because I typically go out more frequently, socialize more, and use food and alcohol for "fun" reasons (which isn't really a good thing). On the other hand, when I'm in a depressed state, alcohol makes me feel more social, less anxious, and loosened up. It sounds good, but can lead to a big alcohol problem.

Alcohol can trigger hypomania and/or depression, and I certainly don't want that; so, I typically avoid alcohol altogether. The first couple of months were difficult, because I was so used to drinking in social situations. I felt out of place at parties or out with friends, but I got used to it and I don't feel uncomfortable with it anymore. If anything, I miss the idea of having a glass of wine with a girlfriend, or margaritas with Mexican food, or things like that, rather than the actual alcohol itself.

(I'm not sure if giving up drinking has played a role in my weight loss/maintenance directly, but it has certainly helped me to eat less calories. Drinking would loosen me up enough to make me not care so much about eating more snacks, which obviously meant more calories.)

I have had alcohol on a handful of occasions over the last eight months or so, and each time, it has made me feel bloated and uncomfortable. It has also triggered hypomania, which has made me conclude that I would be best just avoiding it altogether. My psychiatrist has said that a little is okay here and there, but that people react differently to it, so I just need to be aware of that. I think avoidance is best for me.

6) I don't force myself to exercise, but I do try to stay active. When I stopped running, I just wanted a break from always "training" for stuff. Exercise had become a chore that I was dreading all the time, so I stopped the formal exercise.

Instead, I look for ways to stay active in everyday life. I do a lot of deep cleaning at home (cleaning and organizing a closet takes a surprising amount of work! And I'm always sore the next day.) I still park as far from the entrance to buildings as possible. I take the stairs, even if it's six flights. I go for walks (easy strolls) with Joey and/or friends. I coach(ed) cross country.

Hiking is one of my favorite things to do when I go to Portland!

Basically, I avoid sitting (other than when I work on my blog or relax with the family in the evenings). This is probably not enough to get in good shape, but it's enough for my mental health right now. I would love to start running again when I'm ready, or find another form of exercise that I really enjoy enough to do regularly.

7) Finally, I have been doing what makes me happy and avoiding things that don't make me happy. By being a happier person in general, I am more satisfied with my food, my body, my weight, and my health. I believe that feeling good mentally plays a big role in my weight--it always has in the past (this could just be due to my bipolar, but Jerry has noticed that when he is happier, the weight comes off more easily as well).

Clearly, I was very excited about this doughnut and cider, haha

So, hopefully this answers the questions I've gotten about how I've lost and maintained my weight this year. Like I said, it's nothing new or mind-blowing; just some common sense and intuition that I never realized I had.

As always, I fully believe that everybody should find habits, food plans, and exercise plans that work for them as individuals; just because something works for me doesn't mean it will work for others. And vice versa. It's taken 35 years for me to learn that my body actually does have intuition when it comes to eating!

I certainly hope that this way of eating will continue to work well for me. I am very happy with my diet (I use the term "diet" to mean "a way of eating"; not "a weight loss plan"). I still don't miss running, although on a few occasions, I have found myself thinking that it might be nice to get back into it and train for a 5K or something. It's very nice not to feel the pressure to do so, however.

In fact, it's been fantastic not to feel pressure about anything right now! I have finally realized and accepted that life is too short to worry about the number on the scale or on the tag of my jeans. If I maintain a reasonable weight, stay moderately active, and enjoy my diet, then I am one happy camper! ;)


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RECIPE: Emergency Room Pasta

I know I promised not to post stories along with recipes, because nobody looks at recipe posts for the stories. So I will keep this very short--I just want to explain the name "Emergency Room Pasta". (Which will also explain why the pasta looks so overcooked in the photo, hahaha). But to skip directly to the recipe, just click here.

In December 2015, I was cooking a modification of this recipe for "Roasted Red Pepper and Sausage Alfredo" when Jerry suddenly was hit with the worst headache he's ever had. (The story with all the details can be found here on my blog). I threw the pot of pasta (it was a one-pot dish, thankfully) into the fridge to possibly salvage later, and drove Jerry to the ER.

The next day, I decided to finish cooking the pasta dish so we could eat it for dinner. I had it cooking on the stove when Jerry was hit with more symptoms. I stopped everything and took him to the ER right away. I remembered that I had left the dinner on the stove, so I called my mom and asked her to put it in the fridge.

Third time's a charm: After the pasta dish was interrupted for TWO emergency room visits, I was finally able to finish cooking it. And it was delicious! Even though the situation wasn't exactly a fun experience, we do feel nostalgic about this dish. It will always be known as "Emergency Room Pasta" to us :)

(You can see my notes about the recipe at the bottom of this post)

Click here for a printer-friendly PDF of the recipe

Emergency Room Pasta

Ingredients:

1 Tbsp. olive oil
5 links of Italian sausage (I prefer the hot over the sweet kind)
4 cloves of garlic, minced
1-3/4 cups milk (I use whole milk)
1-3/4 cups chicken broth
1 jar (about 16 oz) roasted red peppers, drained
1/2 cup parmesan cheese
A couple of handfuls of fresh spinach
12 oz. pasta
salt and pepper to taste

Directions:

In a blender or food processor, purée the milk, chicken broth, and red peppers until smooth. Set aside.

Heat the olive oil in a large skillet. Remove the casings from the sausage (I just squeeze the sausage out of each end). Add the sausage to the skillet and cook over medium heat until browned, adding the garlic about halfway through. 

Stir in the pepper/milk/broth purée, as well as the pasta. Bring to a boil, then cover the pot and reduce heat to simmer until pasta is done (check the package directions for the approximate time it needs to cook).

Stir in the spinach until it’s wilted; and then stir in the parmesan cheese until it’s melted. Serve hot. 

My notes:

*You can use frozen spinach in this. I never have fresh spinach around, but I always have a block of frozen spinach in the freezer. I just microwave it until it's thawed, then I put it in a clean kitchen towel. I use the towel to squeeze the water out of the spinach (almost like you're wringing out the towel). I remove as much water as possible before adding the spinach to the pot. I usually use about half of the block.

*The original recipe called for goat cheese, but I am not a fan of it. I had planned to add cream cheese instead, but with the emergency room visits, I just forgot to add it. We thought it was delicious without the addition of the extra cheese, so we just make it without now.

*This (obviously) can be made ahead of time and reheated. Twice. Hahaha!

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The Difference Between Motivation and Determination (updated)

In January of 2012, I wrote a blog post about the difference between motivation and determination. At that point, I had kept off the weight I'd lost for well over a year, and people asked me all the time how I managed to stay motivated.

The truth is, I wasn't motivated--but even though I didn't feel motivated, I was determined. It may sound like the same thing, but I learned from experience that there is a big difference! Here is how the difference between motivation and determination helped me to lose 125 pounds...

I only felt the drive of motivation at the very beginning of my journey and for a few moments here and there, sprinkled throughout the years. For me, motivation only lasts for a short while, which is why everyone seems to have such a hard time maintaining it--as well as why they have such curiosity as to how I stayed "motivated". Most people who want to lose weight feel motivated in the beginning, but it fades quickly.

The difference, in my experience, is subtle--but very significant:

Even the definitions of each word are very similar:

The definition for motivation that sticks out the most to me is "the condition of being eager to act or work", because I think that's what most people tend to think of when they are referring to motivation to lose weight. What is it that keeps us excited, or keeps us going, when it comes to doing what we have to do to lose weight?

Motivation is that feeling of being fired up to do something (like reaching a weight loss goal). When I was obese, I used to feel motivated by reading weight loss success stories, watching shows like The Biggest Loser (while I ate a pint of ice cream, haha!), meeting other people who had lost a large amount of weight, and seeing before and after photos in magazines (like People magazine's Half Their Size issue).

(It's still so crazy to me that I would get so motivated by things like the above photo, and now the person in that photo IS me--I never ever would have guessed that when I started my journey, I would one day be one of those "success stories".)

Those things that I found motivational made me think, "I'm going to do this! I can't wait to be one of those success stories!" Then I would sit down and write out a plan for how I was going to do it, and put the plan into action: I would typically go grocery shopping for all the "right" foods; I would binge on all the junk food in our pantry, just to "get it out of the house"; I would write out a meal plan for the week; and I would find out everything I could about how those people stayed motivated while they lost weight.

And each time, I would last a day--maybe two--before I lost that excitement. My new, healthier food became boring; I was constantly hungry; I was tired of counting Points or calories or whatever it was at the moment; I was irritable from being hungry; and eventually, I would just say, "Fuck it! Give me some ice cream. I'll start over again tomorrow." Or Monday. Or on the first of next month.

Determination, on the other hand, is long term. It was determination that made this time different for me. Determination caused me to keep working on my weight loss when I wanted to quit. Determination pushed me to get out of bed and go for a run when I wanted to sleep in. Determination got me to the finish line of all three marathons I've run. I owe it to determination for each pound I've lost; each binge I restrained myself from.

The definition of determination that sticks out to me the most is, "The act of officially deciding something."

Deciding something. Determination means to make the decision and it's done. There is no question of whether or not we're going to do it, because we've already decided--we've determined that we're going to do it.

When I switched my thought process from "feeling motivated" to "being determined", it was actually a huge relief. I didn't have to make those choices anymore, because I'd already made them the moment that I determined that I was going to lose the weight. That I was going to run a marathon. That I was going to set a nearly impossible personal record in my 10K when I was extremely out of shape. That I was never going to quit working on weight maintenance.

When I determined that I was going to lose the weight, I didn't feel motivated at all. I was sick and tired of having high hopes of reaching my goal weight "some day", only to fail for the hundredth time. I was tired of starting diets every morning and quitting every afternoon. I was tired of the deprivation, the binge eating, and the restricting. I wanted to just forget about losing weight and move on with my life! But I was unhappy and unhealthy, which is why I kept up the hope that one of those days, I would stick with it.

You've all read the story umpteenth times about how I couldn't teach Noah to ride a bike because I was too obese for the physicality of it; and that moment ended up being one of the turning points for me to finally lose the weight.

That day, I could feel some sort of fire ignite inside of me, and it was unlike any motivation I'd had before. I didn't want to try losing weight again. I was sick of trying and failing! But when I couldn't teach my son to ride a bike because I was too obese, I knew I had to do it. If not for me, then for my kids.

Even if I failed again and again, I wanted my sons to know that I did everything in my power to be the best mom I could--which included being active and healthy. I wanted them to know that I was willing to do whatever it took to get down to a reasonable weight and stay healthy.

I never would have gone ice skating with the kids when I was 253 pounds!

I already knew how to lose weight. And I was never one to make excuses for my weight--I was always the first to admit that I was fat because I ate way too much and wasn't active--and this time was no different. I didn't make any excuses. I determined that the weight would come off when I did what I needed to do: I needed to eat less food.

When we feel that fire of determination, we're not making the decision to just get it done; we're making the decision to do whatever it takes to get it done. And that is the difference between motivation and determination, coming from my own personal experience.

---

Now, having said all of that, how do we get that fire of determination started? Here are some tips that helped me:

**I like to picture a scenario in my head of the goal I want to accomplish. Not just, "I want to lose weight." Even though my long-term goal was to be a happy and healthy mom, there were other reasons I wanted to lose weight--vanity being one of them. I would envision myself wearing clothes that I'd always wanted to wear if I was thin, cute lingerie, etc. I literally pictured myself wearing these clothes and imagined how it would feel to wear them.

There were a few other things that I envisioned, too. This next photo is a great example. The determination I felt in that photo is the most I've ever felt in my entire life. When that race got so hard I wanted to quit, you know what I thought about?

I thought about the comments that some of my haters had made in the months leading up to the race--saying that I would never PR my 10K because of my "atrocious" diet of sweets (and too many grapes, of course). Ha! My victory that day was also the sweetest I'd ever felt. And then I celebrated with beer and tater tots from McMenamins ;)

**When I found myself starting to come up with excuses not to do something (or to do something I didn't want to, like binge eat), I stopped those thoughts immediately and focused on something else--anything else at all. It's very easy to talk ourselves into quitting; but when we're determined to reach our goals, we have already decided that we won't make excuses. Being determined means sticking with our original choices/decisions, and not making excuses to change them.

**Another thing that helped me was to write a list of non-negotiables--things that we cannot talk ourselves out of or make excuses to do/not do (the prior link is to a post I wrote that will help with this). This can be something like going for a 30 minute walk three times a week. When we determine that this is non-negotiable, then there is NO question about whether we will do it. Excuses are invalid. We've made the decision and there is no going back. (Obviously, these non-negotiable items should not be too ambitious, like "I will never eat dessert again" or "I will go to the gym seven days a week, no matter what.")

**While working on long-term determination, like the kind needed to lose a large amount of weight, it helps to come up with little "practice" situations as well. "I am determined to make it through this day without binge eating." That way, it's not overwhelming to look at months, year, a lifetime, of determination; it's just for one day. And by practicing several little things like that, the determination for goals such as losing 100 pounds comes much more easily.

**Using motivation can help us with the determination. Since motivation is temporary, we can't rely on it to get us through an entire 100+ pound weight loss journey. But when we are tempted to binge on an entire chocolate cake, for example, we can use something that motivates us to keep us from doing that. That would be a good time to read some success stories online, or browse before and after pictures. Whatever gets us motivated for our long-term goals.

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This post is way too long already, so I'll end with a couple of final thoughts. Motivation certainly has its place in a long weight loss journey, but it can't be relied upon to carry us through that duration. There were be a LOT of times where we feel unmotivated, which is when we usually quit. Determination is more difficult to start and to manage at first, but the determination is what will get us to our end goal. We have to make the decision--determine exactly what we are going to do--and then stick with it!

And that, Friends, is what I think of the difference between motivation and determination :)

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Off-Season Training for Cross Country Kids (or grown-ups!)

Yesterday was our end of season party for cross country. I'm kind of sad that we are losing our sixth graders next year! The sixth grade kids have to move up to the middle school team next year. I've really grown attached to some of them, because we've been coaching them for three years (when Renee and I started the team).

I told the kids I would really like for them to continue training throughout the winter, spring, and summer (until the next season starts). Our season is only about eight weeks, so there is a long time in between seasons--long enough to get completely out of shape.

So, I wrote an off-season training plan for the kids if they want to continue to train until next year. I thought I'd post it here in case anyone else is interested in following it. In addition to being a plan for kids (we coach 3rd-6th graders), it would also work as a good plan for anyone who just wants to stay in running shape with minimal time during the winter months. It's even a good plan for beginner runners, once they are able to run for 20 or so minutes at a time.

The plan is just three days a week, and has an easy run, a speed run, and a long run (the long run is minimal compared to what I typically post about--it maxes out at one hour--because our kids' race distances are only 1-1.25 miles).

Here is the link to the PDF of the full plan. 

Here is what the first few weeks looks like, just to give you an idea:

It was such a great year for our team! The kids were fantastic, and I always have a blast coaching with Renee. I'm looking forward to coaching again next year :)

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