KDB Melanoma 5K Run/Walk Race Report

If you get this in your inbox in January 2022, I apologize; I just realized I never made an actual "race report" for this 5K and I wanted to have one because it was a special race in memory of my friend Sarah. I have another post that I am writing for today (January 16, 2022) that refers to this race, which is why I wanted to publish it. I'm back-dating this one, so hopefully it won't show up in your inbox as a new post.)

ANYWAY, here is my race report from October 7, 2018...

Yesterday morning, I got up early again because it was the day of the Melanoma 5K Walk. I had signed up in honor of my friend Sarah, who died in 2014 after a long battle with melanoma. As I mentioned, I hate asking for money, even if it's for a good cause--so thank you SO much to those of you that donated!

Many many thanks to: Jen Grimes, Kristina, Gina Kenney, Megan Bell, Megan Mele, Lacey Baker, Music Watson, Tracy Marsh, Erin Sutton, "Runs for Cookies Reader", Susan Snyder, Allyson Cathey, Kaitlin O'Rinn, Tricia Neuburger, Cathy Bailey, Carol Hanscom, Rachel Coles, Barrie Nelson, Megan Dunn, Angie B, Vanessa Plante, Rebecca Smith, Tammy Buckner, Ann Lightfoot, Karuna Demla, Jennifer Bracht, Meredith Rodriguez, Les and Sue, Pamela Holmes, and Thomas Graf.

I admit, when I woke up and it was raining, I was so tempted to go back to bed... but knowing that so many of you had donated to our team, I wasn't going to miss it for anything! I drove up to Kensington Metropark (about 65 minutes away). I was kind of excited to see the park, because I'd never been there before and I heard it's a really nice one. It didn't disappoint (I'll have to go back with the family one day when it's not so rainy).

When I'd registered, I planned to do the 5K walk, not the run. I assumed all of "Sarah's Stars" would be walking together, so obviously I didn't want to be the random one that did the run. But once I got there, I realized that everyone sort of did their own thing (except Sarah's mom and kids, who walked together). When I saw Sarah's daughter, I couldn't believe how much she looked like Sarah--it was uncanny! And she's almost the same age Sarah was when we became friends.

Anyway, it was cold and raining. I hadn't thought to bring a long-sleeved shirt with me, because it had just been 80 degrees on Saturday. About five minutes before the race started, I asked at registration if I could switch to the run instead of the walk. They gave me a bib, and a few minutes later, I was at the starting line.

I didn't feel at all prepared. I wasn't wearing my running tights, but yoga pants instead (which meant my thighs would be all over the place, haha). I also didn't have my Garmin 😱I'd only run a race without my watch one time, and I hated it--I'd sworn I'd never do it again. All I was thinking was that I was cold and wet and if I ran, I would be done sooner.

The rain was just drizzling, and it was in the low 50's, so it was actually perfect running weather. I didn't intend to treat it as a "race", but rather just a regular run. It felt SO odd without my Garmin. I had absolutely no clue what pace I was running. There was a woman just in front of me that I kept pace with for the first half of the race. She was going just a tad bit slower than I would've liked, but I didn't want to feel like an idiot by passing her, only to get way too winded and then have her blow by me.

It was an out and back run, so when we got to the turn around point and the woman stopped for water, I kept going and was able to pick up the pace just a touch. There was a young boy who kept sprinting and then walking, over and over again. He cut me off several times, and it drove me crazy. It gave me the idea that Renee and I should talk to our cross country kids about "runners etiquette" during a race.

It's so funny that I was totally ready for the 5K to be over during that last mile. I've run marathons! But this 5K felt so difficult and long because I have gotten so out of shape over the last couple of years. I was desperate to look at my Garmin, and I kept forgetting it wasn't there.

When I was almost to the end, I saw a woman waiting for her friend on the side of the trail. I thought, "She looks like she could be in my age group... she should get moving!" ;) After that thought, I realized I hadn't seen many women who looked my age ahead of me. I never, ever expected an age group award, but I thought it'd be funny if I actually got one.

Finally, I could hear the music from the finish line, and I was so grateful it was almost over. I wasn't racing my best, but I was definitely pushing myself. My face felt like it was on fire--something that used to happen after all of my runs when I was a beginner.

I really enjoyed that race! Not necessarily the race itself, but more so the atmosphere and the camaraderie of the people. Other than Sarah's Stars, there were other teams of people showing support for loved ones with melanoma, or who they'd lost to melanoma. There were lots of clever sayings on shirts about moles or staying out of the sun. I was really glad I'd taken part in it.

Just now, as I was looking up the race results, I saw that I actually DID finish first place in my age group! Hahaha. My pace was 11:04/mile, so clearly the field wasn't very competitive. But fun for a last-minute 5K :)

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The One When My Body Started Falling Apart

Well, I am just a big old mess right now. And for once, it's actually a physical mess instead of mental ;)

Mentally, I have been feeling pretty good for a while now. No depression, anxiety is under control, feeling relief after my candid post about my weight, finding excitement and joy in running again... it's so nice!

I've been staying super busy, which I think is the reason that my anxiety is minimal--my mind has been on all the good things I have going on right now, so I don't have much headspace to worry. The only thing I've been a little stressed about is my weight.

I've been doing good with my diet (by "diet" I just mean my daily eating routine, not a meal plan or anything that I'm following). However, I haven't seen any weight loss. I know I need to give it time, but seeing progress--any at all--would be really helpful to keep me going.

So, while I've been doing great mentally, my physical health is a different story. I have a chronic problem from my neck to my hand, and then yesterday... ugh. Yesterday just wasn't my day!

As you know, I've been working on my house--renovating the kitchen, living room, and dining room all at the same time. And I've been doing about 95% of the work myself (Jerry helps when he can, but because he works 12-hour shifts, the last thing I want him to do is come home and work some more. Besides, I actually really enjoy working on it!)

Estelle does, too. She feels like the queen of the castle while she helps me paint...

(I LOVE the living room color, which you can see a little in the background. After a couple of people commented that they thought the color would be too dark, I was worried... but I'm glad we went with it!) Oh, and if you look at the carpet behind me, you can see a dark blob on the floor. That is just one of many dark paint blobs from Joey stepping in a paint tray and then walking around the house. Thankfully, the carpet is coming out soon! Painting with pets in the house is a big challenge.

While this project has been fun to work on, it has taken a big toll on me. Remember when I was going through physical therapy last year because of my back problems and my shoulder pain? Well, the problem is back, and it's much, much worse. I have no doubt that all of the scraping, mudding, sanding, and painting are the cause of it. I saw my doctor last week, and he agrees.

From what I learned last year after seeing a spine specialist, I have a herniated disc in my back, which is the cause of my mid-back pain (that was nothing new). The shoulder pain was caused from a compressed nerve. The nerve runs from my neck through my right shoulder and down my arm, all the way to my fingers. All of the physical work I've been doing has really made it flare up, resulting in severe shoulder, arm, wrist, and hand pain.

And the pain isn't the worst of it. My fingers go completely numb when I'm using my arm at all (especially when raising it above my head), and there isn't anything I can do that relieves it. It's especially bad at night. I wake up several times during the night with a pins and needles feeling in my fingers and excruciating burning pain in my hand and forearm. I've been wearing a wrist splint, at the recommendation of my physical therapist, but it honestly doesn't help much.

I have an appointment with a neurologist on the 16th, but until then, I am just going to rest my arm as much as possible--which means no painting or working on the renovation. I'm bummed! I did manage to get the rooms and trim painted, but I still have to do the cupboards. The house already looks a million times better, but it won't look fully "done" until the cupboards are painted and we replace the flooring.

Anyway, not only do I have the issues with my arm, I had a bit of an accident yesterday. I was standing on a chair, painting the doorway trim, when the chair wobbled and as I tried to balance, I fell. The chair tipped out from under me, and my shin fell right on the edge of the chair. As I went down, my shin dragged across the chair's edge, and I swear I could actually feel the blood vessels rupturing. I knew my shin wasn't broken or anything, but the pain was horrible and my skin had a huge bruise immediately.

Check this out:

That's what it looked like just an hour after it happened! I can only imagine how it's going to look as it heals. But aside from the ugly color, it's also extremely painful to the touch and especially when I walk. That really sucks, because I had just gotten excited about running again! I can barely walk without a limp, so I doubt I'll be able to run on it for a couple of days. The Melanoma 5K Walk is on Sunday, but I'm sure it'll feel better by then.

Who would have thought painting could be so dangerous? ;)

Oh, and if the bruises and pinched nerve weren't enough... yesterday, I was in the waiting room at the orthodontist with Eli. They have free coffee, so I poured a cup and sat down next to Eli. A second later, Eli was called to go in, and when he stood up, he bumped into my arm. The entire cup of hot coffee dumped onto my legs!

So, I just added coffee burns on top of my bruises 😩 I had to go right to our cross country meet from there, so I had very wet, stained pants. It was just NOT my day yesterday.

Now that the walls are painted, I will try to get some pictures of the house progress and post an update tomorrow!

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For the Love of Running

I am so overwhelmed with just about every emotion there is--thank you all so much for your feedback on my post about being at my heaviest weight in eight years!

I was SO nervous to post it, as you can imagine; which is ridiculous, because when I share my struggles here I usually get a ton of support. Having my weight loss success and struggles here on the internet for anyone to see makes me feel a lot of pressure to keep the weight off, so when I gain weight, it sucks to admit it.

After reading several supportive comments on Facebook in response to my post on Saturday, I felt motivated to go for a run. It wasn't just a "I should go run" thought, but more of a "I really want to go run right now!" thought. The weather here has finally turned fall-like, and consciously choosing to go for a run in that moment felt like a small victory.

This sounds hokey, but the run was almost magical. I felt so good and so happy to be out there! It wasn't even the "I'll be so glad I did this once it's over"; it was one of those rare runs that I felt truly happy in the moment.

My pace for the first two miles was 11:05 and 11:08, and I wasn't aiming for anything in particular. I was listening to Korn and Eminem, which made me run a little faster than an "easy" run. ("Easy" these days is between 11:30 and 12:00.) About a quarter mile into the third mile, I thought maybe I could try for sub-11:00.

I picked up the pace a little, and it was the kind of pace that felt uncomfortable, but in a good way. Toward the end, I picked up the pace a little more, and finished that third mile in 10:22--which made my overall pace 10:50. I was pretty happy with that!

Oh, and I found 31 cents while I was out. I love finding quarters!

Anyway, let's get to the point of this post... "For the Love of Running".

I miss "feeling like a runner", which is kind of hard to describe. I don't mean just calling myself a runner; I mean feeling like a runner on a daily basis. Like back when I didn't put any thought into it; I simply threw on some running clothes, laced up my shoes, waited for satellites to find my Garmin, and then ran.

I didn't constantly wonder when it was going to be over with, or question why I was doing it at all.

Instead, I looked around at my surroundings, finding humor in the fact that I could tell you every detail of each house along the route because I'd run past them so many times. I knew where each mile marker (or half- or even quarter-mile marker) was.

Sometimes I would play little games in my head. "Oh, my average pace is 9:16 right now; I wonder if I can get it under 9:00 by running faster during this last mile?". Or, I would play the "what if..." game: something on the ground would catch my attention, and then I would imagine a scenario that had to do with the object.

For example, if I saw a garbage bag in a ditch... I might think about what I would find if I opened it. Maybe it would be a bunch of kittens that someone left on the side of the road to die and I would be horrified but then of course I would want to adopt all of them and I would wrap them in my arms and carry them home and then Phoebe and Estelle would love them too. Imagining scenarios like that during my runs would make the time pass so quickly!

I remember LOVING the feeling of a good tempo run. I generally hated it while I was doing it, because tempo runs are so hard, but if I hit my pace for the distance I was aiming for, I would feel fantastic when I got home. And that amazing feeling would last all day. (When training for my 10K in 2016, this tempo run was, by far, the best feeling I've ever had after a run.)

And a runner's high... there is no feeling like it. I've only felt it a handful of times in all the years I've been running, but it feels amazing! Again, the tempo run I linked to above gave me the best runner's high I've ever had.

Oh, and I even miss getting "runner's lung" (a term I made up, similar to "runner's knee" or "tennis elbow" or "smoker's cough"). "Runner's lung" is what I call the feeling I get in my lungs all day after a very hard run. My chest aches to take a deep breath, and I usually cough after a deep inhale. It sounds terrible, but that is the best indicator (to me) that I really busted my ass during that run.

I liked having a running schedule and actually following it. I would check off the runs as I went along, and it was so satisfying. I was always thinking of the next big goal (or even small goal, like beating the time from a run the previous week).

I enjoyed writing on my blog about my daily runs, even if it was a plain-old-boring-easy-three-miler. Reading those past posts motivates me to want to get to that point again. (I think I'll round up the 10 most motivating posts--to me--and link to them in a blog post.)

Running always makes me feel strong. Listening to some good hip hop music and without a particular goal or target is a great feeling. And then feeling achy for the rest of the day just reminds me that I'm getting faster/stronger.

I miss planning out a "long run treat" each week. When I was counting calories or Points, I always used to plan on having some sort of treat after my long run that week. Somehow, a piece of cake or a cookie sandwich tastes so much better after running 8 or 10 or 16 miles!

While running, I saw "regulars"--people who were frequently outside along my route. In fact, today I went for a run (I started this post yesterday--Sunday--and now finishing it up today) and a man totally made my day. I was running one of my regular routes (with Joey!), and as I passed by a house, the owner was outside. I'd seen him outside several times over the years, but never chatted with him other than a friendly "Good morning!".

Today, I smiled and said "Good morning!" as I ran by, and he replied, "Good morning! I haven't seen you out running here for a while!"  I explained that I'd taken a break from running and was trying to get back into it, and then went on my way. Such a simple interaction, but I thought it was so cool that he actually noticed. So, just as I notice the regulars on my route, I guess they notice me, too!

Joey and I had a good run. I was deliberately trying to slow him down, because he pulls on the leash for the first half mile or so (I have a hands-free leash that I love!). I figured that with the added stress of having Joey with me, my heart rate would be higher than normal. I was surprised that my heart rate stayed in the 140's for almost all of the run. I really want to be able to get it down to 144 without having to walk.

I didn't listen to music or a podcast or anything today, and I found that I miss just running without earbuds. It was nice to hear the sounds outside, and I chatted with Joey ;) I'm going to make it a point to leave the earbuds at home more often.

I feel like I'm getting my running mojo back. I've only run three times over the last week, but I've enjoyed each of them in the moment, and it feels good!

---

I've been procrastinating posting about this, because I hate asking for money (even if it is a donation for a good cause). I'll only post about it once, and if you can donate, that would be awesome! If not, I totally understand.

With me in these photos is Sarah, my closest friend from high school. We worked at Denny's together; made way too many things out of faux fur in sewing class together; and, regrettably, we went tanning at the salon together. In 2014, at only 31 years old, Sarah lost her life to melanoma after a long and frustrating fight.

Sarah was so funny! She was extremely extroverted, and always pushing me out of my comfort zone. She was a great mom to her son and daughter. She loved Elmo, ladybugs, hip hop music, and dancing. In fact, at her funeral, I went into the restroom--and heard "The Humpty Dance" playing on the speakers. I laughed out loud, knowing she'd be thrilled to have that playing instead of the usual piano music.

I wrote a whole post about her, which you can read here.

Since Sarah's passing, I've kept in touch with her mom, Theresa. Theresa asked me to join her team, "Sarah's Stars", in a Melanoma 5K Walk next month. I'm hoping you can donate toward the cause in Sarah's honor on behalf of our team. Benefits will go to AIM at Melanoma, a non-profit focused on finding a cure for melanoma.

Please consider donating--it would mean a lot to us! Here is the direct link to donate. Thanks so much in advance!

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The Heaviest I've Been in 8 Years: A Reality Check on the Scale

This is probably going to be the most vulnerable post I've ever written.

My weight has obviously gone up and down through the last eight years of "maintenance". Since losing 125 pounds in 2009-2010, I've weighed everywhere from 121 pounds to 160 pounds. Each and every time I gain a significant amount of weight (10 pounds or so), I start to question whether it's the start of my gaining it all back.

When I lost the weight, I knew that the odds were against me; according to statistics, there was a 95% chance I would gain all of the weight back, plus more, within two years. And even though I've maintained a large weight loss for eight years now, I don't ever feel like I'm really "there" (in maintenance) yet.

And yet, every time I think I have finally figured it out and I feel confident enough to state it on my blog, I gain weight again. The times where I'm doing great and feeling great, it's easy to feel like it will last forever. Last year, for example, I was 99% sure that I'd finally gotten to the place I was looking for--I was healthy, I was eating in a sustainable way that made me feel good, and I was just doing what made me happy.

It almost seemed easy. I felt really good about my life in general, and it felt like I was going to maintain that feeling forever.

When the weight started creeping up, I was worried. I had a very hard time figuring out what to do about it. I wasn't binge eating; I was just overeating in general. Eating too frequently, off schedule, and too much.

My weight tends to jump up in spurts. I'll gain about 6-8 pounds within a week or so, and then maintain that for several weeks or even months sometimes; then I'll gain another 6-7 pounds. And that is what happened to me recently.

I remember being at around 144, and not too worried--I was "only" 11 pounds over my goal weight. Then one day, I was 152. Seeing the 150's again was very worrisome. I knew how long it would take to lose that weight (again) and I felt overwhelmed.

Recently, I stepped on the scale to see 158--dangerously close to my highest weight in 8 years. I felt like it just came out of nowhere. I still haven't been binge eating, and to see that number was a little mortifying.

Finally, yesterday, I got on the scale and saw the highest number I've seen in the 8 years since losing 125 pounds: 162.8. I am back in the 160's.

I wish I could say all sorts of inspiring things about how I'm going to lose this weight and how it's not going to stop me from trying; but honestly, I am very worried that the scale will continue to rise. I've tried counting calories again, something that has always worked in the past, but I just can't seem to stick with it very long (like a day or two).

In addition to my diet, I have NO willpower to run. I want to--I really, really want to--but I can't seem to get in that habit and make it a part of my life like I used to. Each time I run, it feels like it gets harder and harder (no doubt because of the weight gain). If it felt like it used to, where an easy run actually felt easy, I think I would be much more motivated to go out and do it. Feeling this out of shape has not just taken a toll on my body, but on my motivation as well.

I would like to come up with some sort of do-able plan to hopefully get back on track and lose this weight. It's scary to see 162. I feel like I'm too far gone and this is it. This is when I gain it all back. I try not to feel so negatively about it, but that's much harder than it sounds.

When I say that I want to make a plan, I don't mean a "challenge" (you know I love making challenges!). I need to focus on making simple changes that I can live with--just like I did in 2009. I can change more as I go along, but to start, I want to make small goals to at least get back in good habits.

My first priority is actually not my diet; it's running. I want to run regularly again so badly. I miss feeling like a runner, and pushing myself to do things I once thought were impossible. When I coach cross country, I want to be a good role model. Yes, I know how to coach--but I want to actually be a runner who coaches.

This photo is from one of my very favorite runs. I ran on Christmas day (hence the red and green) and it was a little snowy. I can still remember how crisp the air felt! I truly enjoyed it.

In 2010, when I decided to start running for fitness, I made a promise to myself: I was going to run three times per week for at least 30 minutes... no matter what. There are ZERO excuses to keep me from doing that much. I remember running early in the morning or late at night so that Jerry would be here with the kids; I asked my parents or my brother to watch them so I could run; my friend watched the kids so I could run, and then I watched hers so that she could run.

I did whatever it took. No excuses.

So, my first plan is to get back into running by going back to how it all started: running three times per week for 30+ minutes each time. No matter what.

As far as my diet goes, I want to try something new for a little while (maybe just a couple of weeks to see how it goes). Over the last nine years, I've learned that each time I gain a significant amount of weight back, I do something new to lose it.

In September 2012, I tried out Weight Watchers' new (at the time) program, starting at 156 pounds. I got down to my goal in December 2012.

I started calorie counting in August 2015 at 158 pounds. I got down to my goal weight of 133 in November 2015. I continued losing weight without really trying to, which I believe was from my heart rate training. I was 121 pounds in February 2016.

In 2017, I was diagnosed with bipolar and put on a mood stabilizing medication. I felt so much better, and I just focused on being happy. I naturally picked up a way of eating that felt good to me--a modified "intuitive eating" lifestyle. I made the decision to start fresh in February 2017, and my weight was just under 160. The changes in lifestyle kind of came naturally. I was back at my goal weight in June 2017.

I'm not proud of all of these ups and downs, but they are what they are. I've learned something from each one of them. I've recently tried going back to these things that worked in the past, and I just can't seem to stick with them. The one thing I've always said is that I will not make changes that I'm not willing to do for the rest of my life. And I'm going to stick with that.

I have always believed that reaching our healthiest weight can be achieved by simply eating less food. Small portions. Eating less frequently. I don't believe that our bodies need as much food as we are taught we should eat.

I've always done this via portion control--measuring or weighing out my food to ensure that I'm not overdoing it. When I was eating intuitively, I was eating the portions that just felt right; and I wasn't forcing myself to eat if I wasn't hungry.

I've gotten away from those habits for some reason. So, I'd like to just work on one small change right now. I want to eat only when I'm actually hungry. Lately, I've been eating when anxious, when stressed out, when celebrating something, and other reasons, whether I'm hungry or not. Focusing on just that small change will help me to feel more in control, and then later I can work on another habit.

Regardless, the running is my number one priority, and I am most determined to do that. I went for a run Wednesday morning just because I felt like it (my body is so sore and stiff from working on our house project, I actually thought a run would feel good!).

One thing I know for sure is that I want to do my best to get this weight off. I am not happy with how I look and I'm certainly not happy with how I feel. I feel sluggish, which is exactly how I felt at 253 pounds. And I can't stand the thought of becoming part of that statistic that says I will gain back all the weight.

It's embarrassing to see people in public because the gain is obvious. I haven't been posting pictures of me on my blog for the same reason. I cringe when I see photos of me. I even avoid looking in the mirror! My clothes don't fit, and now that this is jeans and sweatshirt weather, I'm super bummed that I can't wear what I have.

I know these are petty reasons to want to lose weight, but there are other more serious reasons, too. Running has always helped with my anxiety, and of course I want to be less anxious. Running has made me feel good about myself, whether I was 160 pounds or 121 pounds. Overeating causes me to feel tired all the time, which makes me unproductive; eating only when I'm hungry will make me more energetic.

Also, I've been having a lot of back, neck, and shoulder pain (just like last year when I was in physical therapy). I'm sure the extra weight isn't helping that. When I was running regularly and eating the correct portions, I don't remember feeling this much pain.

This whole post, in a nutshell:

• I am at the highest weight I've been in 8 years
• The extra weight is affecting my mood, health, and overall mindset
• I'm terrified that my weight will continue to climb and I'll gain everything back
• I want to run again--three times a week to start--and this is my top priority right now
• I'm going to work on eating only when I'm physically hungry
• I want to get my weight back down not just for vain reasons, but also for my health and overall wellness

This post is not meant to be a downer or a "poor me, I'm feeling sorry for myself". It's not meant to make excuses. I'm writing this post because it feels good to get it out in the open and not feel like I'm hiding something. I've always tried to be open and honest on my blog, even though I feel very vulnerable when I write personal things like this.

I hope that I'll have good things to report in the coming weeks. Seeing the 160's was a big reality check, and I finally feel like I'm ready to do this. I'm going to work on it the slow way (one small step at a time) and eventually, I hope to get back to my goal weight (once again).

Thanks for always being so kind to me. I don't express it enough, but I appreciate the encouraging words from your comments and emails more than you know.

XO

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Another Kitchen Renovation Update: Paint Colors!

Do I even need to explain that I've been crazy busy with this renovation, and haven't even opened my computer in days? It's consuming my life right now--drive kids to/from school, coach cross country, and renovate. Not that I'm complaining! It's been fun :)

I wish I had huge updates that were very visible in photos, but it actually doesn't look a whole lot different! Mudding and sanding the seams has taken forever. I had to do three coats of mud, and wait 24 hours between each coat.

First, let's look at my bruises battle wounds. My shins have every shade of bruise in various healing stages, hahaha. This is from standing on the ladder and bracing myself against it--my shins are perfectly centered on the rung above my feet.

Here is what we've done so far:

1) Remove "popcorn" ceiling (it wasn't actually popcorn, but a texture called "stomped"--similar)
2) Scrape it all again, because we didn't do it good enough the first time
3) Repair nicks
4) Mud the seams in the ceiling and the walls (twice)
5) Sand and sand some more
6) Remove laminate backsplash
7) Decide to take down the trim at the ceiling
8) Almost chicken out and put it back up
9) Tape, mud, and sand the joint between the ceiling and walls. THREE TIMES.
10) Sand, sand, sand.
11) Prime the ceiling

I'm really happy that I decided to remove the trim from the ceiling. It took a ton of extra work, but I really love how it turned out. And it's a whole lot less trim that I'll have to paint later! ;)

Here is what it looked like before removing the trim...

After I removed it, I was horrified and almost put it back up. But after some research online, I decided to try and tape/mud the joints myself. I figured if it looked terrible afterward, I could always just put some trim up to hide it.

And here is what it looks like after taping/mudding/sanding the seams. I did this to the entire kitchen, dining room, and living room. THAT is why I've been too busy to write!

And in the living room...

Yesterday, we FINALLY got to start priming! We dusted/cleaned the ceilings and then put on one coat of primer. The photo above shows the ceiling after the primer. I think it looks awesome, and we haven't even painted it yet!

On Saturday, I got an email about Sherwin Williams having a 40% off sale on their paint. I couldn't pass that up (when did paint get so expensive?!) so Jerry and I went over our color choices one more time and decided to go get the paint.

I was actually really nervous about it. The cabinets, mostly--I had been planning all along to paint them white. But I really didn't want my kitchen to be plain looking (I clearly love color!) and I went with a color that I never in a million years would have thought I'd pick: blue. Very, very light blue--but still blue. I'm not a fan of blue in any shade, but for some reason, I was really drawn to a light blue/bright orange combo.

Orange is my very favorite color, but I couldn't imagine painting walls or cupboards orange, so it wasn't really on my radar. I had thought about yellow and green for the kitchen, but I didn't really want to carry that over into the living room and dining room (the rooms are so open that they have to coordinate). So, I decided on this:

Living room walls - dark gray
Kitchen and dining room walls - light gray
Cupboards - light blue
Trim (in all rooms) - white
Accents (bar stools, kitchen chairs, skylight) - orange

I love gray, but I didn't want the sterile look of gray and white (my house is very much not "sterile"!)--adding the blue and orange is very much "me".

So, we are finally to the fun part of all this--painting and actually seeing some nice visual progress! Now, I'm going to start on priming the walls...

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A New Incentive System for Cross Country

Today, I'm taking a rest day. I am SOOOO sore!

I didn't realize it'd been so long since I last wrote, because I have been working non-stop on the house project we have going on.

I thought we were just about ready to prime the ceiling and walls, but then something else came up. As we were prepping the ceiling and walls, I thought more and more about removing the trim from around the windows, from where the wall meets the ceiling, and along the floor. It's very cheap, I don't love it, and I figured that if we are ever going to remove or replace it, now is the time to do it.

Being a manufactured home, a lot of the building materials are definitely not meant to least forever. I had been planning to paint all of the trim while leaving it on the walls, but once I peeked behind it, I decided to remove it.

I removed the trim around the ceiling, and it was a little shocking at first, but basically what I expected. The trim was used to cover the gap between the walls and ceiling (rather than finishing the seams). The gap was jagged and unsightly (Jerry said it looked like the builders had cut the drywall with a butterknife--hahaha).

I thought about replacing the trim, but since I've been doing so much with drywall on the ceiling, I felt confident that I could tape and mud the gap. Yesterday, I spent 7-1/2 hours doing just that! It wasn't hard, but it was very tedious. I only used one coat of mud, and I'll need to do at least one more (maybe two) before it'll be ready to sand and prime. I'll post photos when I'm done.

So, that little detour set us back a little, but Jerry and I both really like the way the ceiling looks without the molding--and we haven't even painted yet. On our "to do" list now:

Prime and paint walls and ceilings
Prime and paint kitchen cabinets
Backsplash
Replace flooring
Replace or paint window trim

Interestingly, I don't feel overwhelmed. I'm actually really excited about doing this, and I enjoy working on it! I'm super sore, but that just reminds me that I've been working so hard.

Which is why I'm using today to catch up on everything I've neglected--laundry, my blog, grocery shopping, etc--while working on the ceiling and walls. I guess it's not exactly a "rest" day, but it feels like it.

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I've been meaning to write about this for a while, and I keep forgetting about it. I'm coaching cross country again this year, and I wanted to think up some way to motivate the kids to want to run during practice and give their running some effort. You wouldn't believe how many kids don't want to run at cross country practice!

I got this idea when I was going through my jewelry box and came across my old Weight Watchers charms. I have charms earned from losing 25 pounds, 50 pounds, 75 pounds, and 100 pounds; a charm for reaching goal weight; a charm for hitting Lifetime membership; and a charm for an exercise challenge. Even though they were literally just silly little tokens to represent my hard work, it was exciting to get them!

So, I thought it would be a good system for the kids in cross country as well. I bought some little charms from the jewelry section at a craft store. Then I made a bunch of keychains out of denim (I needed something fast and easy and cheap, so I used the seams from old jeans). When describing this incentive to the kids, I called the charms "tokens" instead of "charms" so that the boys on the team wouldn't be turned off to the idea ;)

There are nine different colors of tokens, and each color represents a different achievement. Some of them are very elite, and some of them are easier, but all of them require effort. As the kids earn their first token, I give them the keychain with their token on it. And then if they earn more through the season, they can add to it.

Pink - First girl from our team to finish each race
Blue - First boy from our team to finish each race
Dark green - Run a mile under 9:00 minutes
Light green - Run a mile under 8:00 minutes
Black - Winning team of a relay race we will have at practice
Purple - Accumulate 25 miles at practice throughout the season
Lime green - Beat your own time trial time (the kids run a one-mile time trial in the first practice; then again at the end of the season, so they can see how much they improved)
Mauve - Beat the individualized goal that Coach Katie and Coach Renee set for you
Gold - Accumulate 30 miles at practice through the season

The whole purpose is to make the tokens difficult enough to earn that they will be a big deal. Nobody will be able to earn every single color (like not everyone in Weight Watchers is going to lose 50, 75, or 100 pounds), so the tokens are more elite than a participation award. That makes them more desirable; and, therefore, the kids will work harder to get them.

The faster kids have their sights on the tokens that represent speed, while the other kids are working on building up their mileage and improving their own times. The age group that we coach is perfect for a system like this (we coach 3rd through 5th graders).

And speaking of which, I have to head out now for our first race of the season!

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DIY Textured Ceiling Removal Update and Jerry's Birthday Surprise

Today is Jerry's birthday! He's 38. I simply cannot believe it. When did we get this old?! We feel so much younger than we did in our early 20's.

We celebrated his birthday on Wednesday, because he was off work and we didn't have anything else going on. By "celebrate", I don't mean anything fancy. We just had really good sandwiches from Erie Bread Co., something we haven't gotten in a long time. I had the 13-8-on-9 sandwich (I have no idea how it got that name). It was as amazing as I remember.

After that, we gave him a couple of birthday gifts--"the kids" gave him an external hard drive for his computer (something he's been wanting) and I gave him a pair of boxer briefs (whenever I see fun boxer briefs I buy a pair and give them to him as a little surprise gift here and there--kind of like giving a girl flowers, haha).

THEN, I did something that I've been dreading for our entire relationship--I watched Star Wars for the first time ever. And... I dressed up like Princess Leia when I told him what we'd be doing! Soooo cheesy, but I knew he'd be thrilled to watch the movie with me, and the fact that I dressed like Princess Leia (complete with the wig and white boots) made his day. I would post a picture, but I was not feeling particularly good about myself in that costume. I felt like every single pound I've gained recently was visible.

Anyway, I hated the movie. I really wanted to like it! But it's totally not my kind of movie. Jerry was very happy that I finally watched it, though.

Now, about our DIY popcorn ceiling removal...

It wasn't actually popcorn ceiling, but a texture that is called "stomped". It looked like this:

We have been working on removing it for what feels like months! But it's only been a couple of weeks. At the same time, we decided to paint the kitchen because the kitchen needs new flooring (nightmare!) and now this whole thing has turned into a DIY kitchen renovation.

First, we sprayed sections of the ceiling with water, and then used a putty knife (I always call it a scraper, so I just looked it up, and it's actually called a putty knife) to slide along the ceiling. The texture fell right off! But it was a HUGE (and I mean HUGE) mess.

After we scraped it (accidentally making little nicks here and there that we'd have to fill later) we went through and scraped it all again to make sure we got it down to the drywall. We wanted it to be as even as possible, obviously.

After that, we patched up the little nicks. And then the real work... I went through and re-mudded each drywall joint with joint compound to level it all out. If you've never done that, it takes some serious skill. And I'm not saying that I have the skill! It's honestly like an art. I have so much respect for people who can do it well.

I got better at it after each joint that I did. The first ones were thick and a little sloppy... but by the last ones, I barely had to use any compound so they would need very little sanding. I designated Jerry as the sander, initially, because that seemed like the worst job of all ;)

After I did the joints (twice, because the ones where we took down the walls in the kitchen were very uneven, and they needed 2-3 coats), it was time to sand. And that's what I've been doing for the last three days--mudding and sanding. I really want it to look good when I'm done (because I've been doing 90% of the work; if it turns out horrible, it'll be my fault).

I felt like Darth Vader in this mask. It was so hard to breathe!

I feel like my arms should be as toned as Jillian Michaels'.

They're not.

Today, I pulled the backsplash off of the kitchen walls. (It's ugly--it was just a block of laminate countertop that is pretty standard in manufactured homes.)

It literally took me about four hours to do this little job! It was glued to the countertop AND stapled from underneath. The glue was ridiculously strong. And now I have to figure out how to get rid of the staples--we're going to install a new backsplash after we paint everything.

By "everything", I mean: the ceiling in the kitchen, living room, and dining room; the trim in all those rooms; the walls in each room; the kitchen cupboards; and the dining table. Crazy, right?! We also need to install new flooring in the kitchen (we have some water damage from the furnace that we recently replaced). Since we're doing the flooring in the kitchen, we're going to do the living room and dining room as well (they are all connected--it's very open--so it would be odd to do just one room).

Did I mention this is a huge project?

This afternoon, I bought the primer for the ceiling and walls. I'm hoping we can get the sanding done and get ALL of the dust cleaned out by Monday so we can prime. I haven't decided on the colors we're going to use for everything, but I really like green and yellow for the kitchen. I was picturing lemons and limes, and today I came across these tiles on Pinterest, and these colors are exactly what I had in mind! I just don't know what color to put where. I'm terrible at these decisions. I have no sense of style.

Anyway, that's where we're at now! I learned that drywall dust makes the BEST dry shampoo. And that bruises can form bruises on top of bruises (my shins are bruised from pressing against the rungs on the ladder when sanding). Also, this ceiling project is a really good workout!

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First speed work in... two years?

It seems that going to bed early has made quite the difference in getting me up and running (literally) in the mornings. Today, I dressed in my running clothes again when I woke up, and decided I'd run after dropping the kids off at school. I think that running before I return home in the mornings will be helpful. When I was regularly running 4-6 days a week, it was always in the mornings.

Last night, I really didn't want to go to bed--it was hard making myself go to bed by 10:45. My target is 10:30, but I was really caught up in a book, so I pushed it a bit. I'd started reading "The Pillars of the Earth" by Ken Follett. This is one of my favorite books I've ever read--which is surprising, because it's about 1,000 pages long and I'm a super slow reader. 

While I loved The Pillars of the Earth, I found the sequel, "World Without End", to be even better. It was over 1,000 pages and I finished it in about two weeks--which is insanely fast for me. I couldn't put it down! Anyway, it's been a while since I read them, so I decided to start them again. 

This morning, I took the kids to school and then stopped at the State Park again. I decided to do run/walk intervals today. I hesitate to call it "speed work" because I'm certainly not speedy right now, but I think adding intervals will help with my calorie burn.

When I was training for the 10K, I think it was the combination of super slow, easy running + intervals + tempo (an 80/20 ratio of easy to hard work) that helped me to drop weight. After I was at my goal of 133, I continued to drop weight fairly easily without much effort--and I'm pretty certain it was the change in my training method (along with calorie counting). 

I set my Garmin for 8 intervals of 2 minutes hard, with 1 minute walking in between. I started with a 5-minute warm-up jog at an easy pace. When I started the first interval, it felt so odd (running with a hard effort). I definitely felt a little rusty, and I wasn't sure if I could even continue. I didn't pay any attention to my pace--I just kept going and hoping that I could actually finish the interval.

It was the longest two minutes EVER.

When the Garmin beeped for me to start walking, I was so relieved. Only to find out that it was the shortest minute EVER.

Beep. Start running hard again. Wondering how two minutes could possibly feel so long. Beep. Walk.

After the fourth interval, I knew there was no way I could do eight. I don't know what I was thinking! I would never have a beginner start with eight, and that's pretty much what I am--a beginner (again). So, I chose to shoot for six. 

Interestingly, after my sixth interval and the one minute walk, I was exactly back at my car. I hadn't planned that, and I had taken a route I'd never done before (hoping it would be 2.5 miles or so). It ended up being two miles, but that was perfect for the six intervals (plus warm-up). 

I was pretty surprised when I checked out my pace from the run. I assumed I'd been running "hard" at a 9:30-10:00/mi pace (considering my "easy" pace run was about 12:00 yesterday). But I managed to run four of the intervals at a sub-9:00 pace, so I was pretty happy with that. Three of them were the exact same pace (8:48)--I couldn't time it like that again if I tried. 

Running at a hard pace like that made me feel really good afterward. I always used to love that feeling after a hard run--like I had really pushed myself, making my muscles tired and a little achy the rest of the day. 

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Jerry's birthday is on Friday, but he is going to be working, so we're going to celebrate it tomorrow. I have something fun planned, but Jerry's been reading my blog lately, so I will have to write about it afterward ;) 

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A New Fall Routine

Wow. Jerry and I were completely overwhelmed with the kind responses to my last post. He was really glad I wrote it and said it motivated him to start working on a guest post. He really appreciates all of the kind comments and support! Thank you. Sincerely.

Last week, I was working on getting into a good routine with the kids now that they are back in school. Now that I have that down, I want to get in a good routine myself. Starting with getting to bed at a decent hour. Last night, I went to bed at 10:45--which is very early compared to what I'm used to! All summer, I was staying up until 2:00-3:00.

When I woke up this morning, I didn't feel as tired as I usually do (what a surprise, right?). It wasn't a huge chore to get out of bed.

Another thing I want to add to my routine is running--I know that it will help my anxiety if I just make myself do it. So, this morning, I dressed in running clothes and decided that I would stop and run after dropping Noah off at school.

It was raining outside, but I used to love running in the rain, so I wasn't going to use that as a reason not to run. Also, the weather is FINALLY cooling off! Last week, we had a couple of days when the temperature was in the 90's--it was insane. It was so hot and humid that we had two days in a row with a heat advisory. I brought a spray bottle to cross country practice and sprayed the kids down after each lap they ran. They loved it!

As I type this, I'm wearing jeans and a hoodie. It's 58 degrees.

Yesterday, the weather just felt like good running weather--so, I started thinking that it's time I get running again. I put it off so much during the summer because it was so hot and humid; also, I was super tired all the time from staying up so late (it was a bad habit I developed and just couldn't get out of). I think going to bed earlier and getting enough sleep will help with all sorts of things from my running motivation to my anxiety.

After dropping Noah off, I debated where to run. I wanted to go run a dirt/gravel path at a park near the college, but with it raining, I knew the path would be muddy. So, I decided to just go to "old faithful"--the State Park. There is a loop that is 1.5 miles, so I figured I'd run that for 30 minutes (circle it once, and then add an out-and-back to hit 30 minutes).

My main focus was to go slow enough to keep my heart rate as low as I could. My pace was slow (12:00/mile), but the run certainly didn't feel easy. Still, though, I felt glad to be out there doing it. I knew it would put me in a better mood for the day, and it would help me to stay on track with calorie counting.

I was trying to keep my hat from putting a shadow over my eyes for this photo, and I just ended up looking jolly. Haha!

Only a few minutes into the run, I looked up and startled by a deer that was super close to me (relatively close, I should say--most of the time, deer run away as soon as they spot me; this deer was totally chill with me being just across the road. I stopped to pull my phone out of my FlipBelt and take a picture of the deer.

Just after I saw that one, I saw another deer, eating berries from a tree. Again, I was super close, but she just kept eating.

The whole time I was running, I was listening to that audiobook I wrote about ("Born A Crime" by Trevor Noah). I was planning to only listen to it while I was driving Noah to and from school, but I got really caught up in it. I listened to it for several hours while I was working on the ceilings in my house (it's still a huge mess--we are now ready to sand) and then today during my run, I noticed there was only about 15 minutes left to the book. I finished it on my way home from the park. It was SO good!

And, now I'm a fan of audiobooks ;) I have one more that I had gotten for free from the trial membership of Audible on Amazon. I don't even remember what book it is. But I think the main reason I liked "Born A Crime" was because of Trevor Noah's very entertaining reading of it. I think the narrator can make a huge difference in how engrossing the audiobook can be.

Anyway, my run was slow (12:00/mile), my heart rate was higher than I'd like (150 bpm), but I managed to do 30 minutes in the drizzling rain and I felt great afterward. It actually made a big difference in my mood today.

I'm not going to start making challenges and plans and all of that to get back to running (I seem to jinx myself when I get carried away). But I definitely would like to make an effort to run in the mornings after taking Noah to school. There is no reason not to!

After my run, I went grocery shopping. I was feeling good about the run, and decided to get some of my old favorites from when I was calorie counting and feeling my best. I used to eat a Larabar and drink a cup of tea with cream and sugar every single morning for breakfast. I loved that simple routine; getting the kids ready for school, packing lunches, and then sitting down with my Larabar and tea for 30 minutes or so before we'd have to leave for school.

Interestingly, I haven't been very much into sweets lately. So weird, right?! It's like when I suddenly had an aversion to peanut butter in 2016 (I still don't really love it or seek it out). I do still like desserts, but I'll usually choose chips or something like that when I want a snack in the evenings. I have no idea why this happened (just like the peanut butter thing) but I'm not complaining ;)

Anyway, I'll leave you with this oh-so-flattering picture of Estelle--always staying classy.

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A very personal post that I've been questioning writing for 10 months

The last 10 months or so have really taken a toll on me. I've been wanting to write about it, and I had the go-ahead to do it, but I questioned whether I wanted to or not. I know how cruel people can be on the internet, which is what prevented me from writing about this before; but I also know how kind people can be, so I am counting on that to outweigh the negative.

The whole thing started last December. (It actually started before that, but I didn't really take notice of it until December when it became very apparent.)

It was early December, and Jerry and I were sitting in the living room with the kids. I forget what we were chatting about, but the topic of Christmas came up. Jerry is obsessed with Christmas--he LOVES it. He always wants to go all-out at Christmastime, and I am the total opposite. I'm a grinch. I think Christmas is stressful and pretentious, and I would avoid it completely if not for Jerry. It's even become a joke between us every year.

Anyway, we started talking about Christmas and Jerry started to talk and then he got choked up. He sounded bitter as he said something about Christmas not meaning anything to any of us. I was in shock. Jerry NEVER gets upset with us--even when he legitimately deserves to--so to see him actually have tears in his eyes about it felt surreal.

That was when I knew something was wrong. At the time, I didn't want to believe it; but in retrospect, when my stomach just sank. I knew that Jerry was experiencing depression.

It broke my heart. I wanted to fix it. I wanted to make it better and seem like it never happened. I wanted him to be back to the normal, happy-go-lucky, carefree, super FUN guy that he always had been.

I decided at that moment that I would do anything it took to make Christmas special for Jerry. As much as I disliked Christmas, I planned to make a big deal about it for him. As you may remember, I planned a surprise date for him--going to Somerset Collection (a mall) to have family photos with Santa.

He LOVED that, thank God. I also wanted to make a big deal about decorating our Christmas tree. When Jerry had a night off, I planned for our family to decorate the tree. I told Jerry to get the lights that he wanted, and he had gotten the lights the week before. On the day we were going to decorate the tree, I asked Jerry if he had checked the lights to make sure they worked.

He plugged in all four boxes. One of them didn't work.

Jerry was super upset. It was one thing that really triggered him.

He called Wal-Mart, where he had bought them, and they were out of stock of these particular lights. He became very upset, and actually cried and went into the bedroom (SO unlike him!!). I felt horrible. The kids were stunned.

I decided I was going to go out and find these particular lights that he wanted. It was 8PM. I told the kids what I was doing, and Noah asked to come with me. He felt really bad for Jerry. I tried to think outside the box--what is a store that people don't typically go to for Christmas lights?

I chose Lowe's. Noah and I walked into Lowe's, and wouldn't you know it, there was ONE BOX of those lights on the shelf. I plugged them in to make sure they worked, and then we bought the box and went home. Jerry was so grateful, and said it was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for him.

We made a big production of decorating the tree as a family while playing Christmas music (Jerry's obsession, starting on Thanksgiving) and making the whole thing important to him. He was so grateful!

It was that night that I really knew things were serious. He wasn't just messing around; he was depressed.

Ever since then, I've been doing my best to help Jerry deal with depression. He'd never had an episode of depression in his life; this was completely new to him, as well as to me.

I was so used to Jerry taking care of me during my depressive episodes, and when he was showing obvious signs of depression, I was taken aback. I knew what to do, but it scared the hell out of me. He'd always been my rock, my "constant"... I knew that no matter what I was feeling or going through, he would still be the same old Jerry (happy, carefree, and funny).

It's now 10 months later, and I'm still going through it. Jerry has been trying to write a guest post for my blog, but he has no idea how to write it. He told me a long time ago that I could write about this, but I just didn't feel like it was the right time. Recently, he really wanted to make it known--because I am such an advocate for education on mental health/illness, he wanted his story to be told.

I won't share his story, because I'd love for him to do that one day. But I'm writing my side of it because it just feels like the right time. Depression can literally hit ANYONE at ANY time. Jerry never showed any signs of it before.

Remember when I mentioned that Jerry went to the emergency room from work one night? He was having symptoms that he believed was a heart attack; but it turned out to be anxiety related, and he was having a panic attack. It was awful to watch him go through that. After the testing they did in the ER, we knew he was okay; but his symptoms were alarming to me.

I am desperate to make it better. I don't want him feeling that way. I know how horrible depression feels, and when he talks to me about it, I feel like I would give anything at all to make him feel better. I've been encouraging him to reach out to his friends and to make plans with people.

There have been a couple more incidents that have happened since Christmas, and each time, it makes me worry. I am so glad that I was able to get diagnosed with bipolar and start the correct medications before all of this happened with Jerry. But I also feel the guilt and I always question myself about whether I caused this somehow.

I'm so glad that our relationship is as strong as it is--otherwise, we may not have been able to handle all of this. With my bipolar and his depression, it sounds like a huge recipe for disaster. But we have managed to make it work in a positive way. We been honest with the kids, and they have been awesome. They were in just as much shock as I was last Christmas regarding the Christmas lights. That's why Noah decided to go with me to find the lights for Jerry.

Jerry and I went to see my therapist together, hoping that it would help us to learn how to help each other. He didn't want to talk to me when he was feeling depressed (because he didn't want to upset me), and I didn't want to talk to him when I was depressed (for the same reason)--we were too worried about making each other worry. So, my therapist helped us to understand how to talk to each other about it. And then, we read The 5 Love Languages, which helped more than I can even describe. I can't recommend that book enough! (Here is a review that I wrote about it)

Jerry really just wants people to know that depression can happen to anybody at anytime. He agrees that it's super important to validate one's feelings, no matter what. He plans to write a guest post about all of this. In the meantime, though, I wanted to share my feelings about it...

I am scared to death that he won't feel better. I am desperate to make him feel better. I would give just about anything for him to feel happy! I feel like I can handle my own depressive episodes, because I'm used to it; but seeing him go through it is the worst.

I've wanted to write about this frequently, especially when I've been feeling down and I feel the need to explain.

A few days ago, a boy that Noah went to school with in preschool and elementary school died by suicide. Noah just started 9th grade--he has his whole life in front of him. When I heard of this boy who took his own life (just before starting 9th grade) I was completely heartbroken. His family was not secretive about it being a suicide, which I think is fantastic. People need to talk about it more.

Jerry doesn't feel suicidal (thank God) but his feelings affect the whole family. It hurts to see him upset for any reason at all.

Anyway, Jerry may be sharing a personal post about all of this himself soon, but in the meantime, he said it was okay for me to write about it. Depression can appear out of nowhere and hit just about anyone. Jerry was always super carefree and happy, and this was a huge shock to me.

I feel relieved to write about this, because I can better explain what is going on and why I'm feeling the way I do in certain circumstances. Jerry is the most amazing husband, and I want to see him get the support he needs. Since his family and friends view him as the exact opposite of someone who is depressed, he needs people that understand; people that will treat him well despite the circumstances.

I know that you will all be kind, so thank you very much for understanding. Jerry is such a great guy--he deserves to feel the love and understanding from all who know him.

I hope everyone has a great rest of the weekend!

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