Wednesday Weigh-In: Week 4

I flipped this photo to reverse the mirror image--this shirt was one of my "projects of the week". I love doing reverse appliqué! It's super easy and it's so fun to see the design revealed as you snip away. (The PURRVANA wasn't my idea; I got inspiration from Pinterest. But I love it! Also, can you believe it's been 32 YEARS since Kurt Cobain died?!)

Time seems to have slowed down quite a bit over the last couple of weeks, and it feels nice. Usually, I feel like I just blink and it's a month later. The only time that time seemed to slow down was when I was running ;)

Speaking of running, I reached a mile this week! I'm choosing to celebrate that, because I truly feel like a beginner again and a mile is a big deal for beginners. My first run (meaning, a month ago; not back in 2010) was 0.41 miles at a 13:01/mi pace and I felt like I was going to DIE. This week, I noticed that it felt *slightly* easier. Strong emphasis on slightly.

Thursday- My previous run had been 0.90 miles, so I decided to aim for 0.95. It was only 60 degrees outside, and I think that made a significant difference in how I felt. Since I was feeling relatively good, thought it would be a nice opportunity to go for my first mile. And I did--I finished 1.0 miles in 12:25 with an average heart rate of 153 bpm.

Saturday- It was on the cool side again, and I felt pretty much the same as Thursday. I had no idea what route to run--I can tell you 20 different three-mile routes from my house, but for these shorter runs, I'm basically guessing each time I go out. On Saturday, I figured I would do 1.10, but I did a terrible job guessing and had to run past my house. I turned around too soon and was at 1.04, so I just stopped there instead of entertaining my neighbors' Ring cameras for the third time. Ran 1.04 miles at a 12:38/mi pace and average heart rate of 155 bpm.

Tuesday- I went out at 6:30 and it was about 70 degrees (not terrible) but the air was thick with humidity. I ran about as slowly as I could, hoping to feel good throughout. It actually ended up feeling the best of all my runs so far! Still not easy, but I didn't feel completely spent toward the end. I ran 1.10 miles at a 12:42/mi pace and average heart rate of 153.

When I look back at my first run, my average heart rate and max heart rate are both significantly lower than yesterday's, but I think that might be because the duration was so short. It was only five minutes to start, so my heart rate didn't have much time to build up. Once I reach my three-mile goal, I'd like to work on lowering my average heart rate. Ideally, I'll be able to run at my MAF rate of 136 bpm; at my MAF rate was when I didn't dread running because it felt so easy. I would love to feel like that again.  

Anyway, as you can see, I've added a little to each run and four weeks later, I'm up to 1.10 miles. If I continue at about this rate, I should be able to start three-milers in October--the best time of year to run!

This was the last week of Jerry's and my beans and greens experiment. Since we started this for health reasons, the purpose of the beans and greens was to get a lot of fiber via whole foods--and beans and greens are basically the perfect whole-food high-fiber meal. I'll write more about this in a separate post. I made a big variety of versions of beans and greens, so I'll post photos and recipes/links with all that. Now the problem is that I have to figure out what recipe each photo was for! I should have written it all down.

I wish I'd thought of this beans and greens thing earlier, because holy cow--the weight is dropping off quickly.

I was down 3.2 pounds this week. In the last four weeks, I've lost 14.6 pounds--I'm more than stunned!  These are the factors that have been working for me:

*I'm vegan for the animals, but a vegan diet is probably the only reason I didn't get back up to 250+ pounds over the last couple of years. (There are a lot of vegan junk foods, however, so it's easy to gain weight, vegan or not.)

*I quit eating sweets several months ago. My sweets-eating was getting out of control, so I made a bet with a friend where I would lose quite a bit of money if I ate sweets before the end of August. It was rough at first--it actually took much longer than I thought it would to get rid of the cravings--but now I have zero cravings at all for sweets. I literally don't even think about them (and believe me, that is CRAZY TALK). I mean, my blog is Runs for *Cookies*! Even after this bet is over, I don't want to eat even a single cookie, because I'm like an addict and I just lose all control when attempting moderation.

*Eating a ton of (natural) fiber. Whole grains, beans, lentils, nuts, seeds, vegetables, and fruit. (That literally looks like a line from the health food books I love to hate.) In the beans and greens post, I'll write a little more about the specifics; my breakfast plays a big role in my fiber intake. My diet sounds extremely boring, I know; but my spice collection is huge and just by changing out spices, the same meal can taste completely different. My diet is far from boring (in my eyes, anyway).

*Not snacking. This wasn't a "rule" I made; I just naturally fell into it when I quit eating sweets and started eating very filling meals. The fiber makes a big difference--it's impossible to eat a high fiber meal very quickly, so meals are longer and more filling. I eat dinner at about 5:00-ish, and I'm not hungry again all evening (I go to bed at 9:00). Most of the time, I don't eat lunch; but if I'm hungry, I'll eat something (usually a small portion of dinner leftovers). 

*Cutting way back on salt. I've never had high blood pressure, so I never paid much attention to sodium intake. Since I've been eating only whole foods this month, however, my sodium intake was cut drastically. I also scaled back on how much salt I cook with. I've noticed that my weight doesn't fluctuate much at all day-to-day and I think the sodium plays a big part. I used to swing 3-4 pounds overnight sometimes, depending on my dinner!

That's all I can think of right now. Overall, I think the switch to whole foods has had the most impact on my weight this month. My body feels *so* much better, too, and it's only been four weeks!

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Wednesday Weigh-In: Week 3

It's hard to believe it's only been a week since my last post, because this has felt like the longest week ever. Usually time goes by unbelievably fast!

Posting these Wednesday Weigh-Ins again has been so helpful in getting back on track with my diet and exercise. Getting started was the hardest part, but now that I feel like I'm in a good groove, I feel pretty determined to see it through. And the fact that I saw such good progress in the first couple of weeks was motivating, too.

Running is still HARD. Of course, I don't expect that it'll feel like it did back when I was running regularly and/or training for races. But I just hope it starts to feel easier as I continue to build mileage, because wow, am I out of shape.

This week:

Wednesday- I think I wrote about this last week. Ran 0.80 miles, 12:46/mi pace, average heart rate of 150 bpm.

Friday/Saturday- When I woke up on Friday morning, I let Joey outside and when I opened the door, I smelled smoke really strongly. I thought maybe there was a fire in the neighborhood, but it was 3:00 in the morning and very quiet; I would have heard if there was something like that going on. Still, it was strong enough that I woke Jerry. He told me it was from the Canadian wildfires.

When the sun came up, the sky was so hazy looking. The visibility was terrible. I couldn't even see the trees at the other side of the marsh across the street, which only happens when it's *very* foggy outside. I looked at the weather app, and the air quality was piss-poor (and yes, the smoke was from the wildfires).

This is where the "old Katie" started to nag me. A few weeks ago, I told myself I would run on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays; since "old Katie" had a habit of being very all-or-nothing, it would have felt like I somehow failed if I chose not to run on Friday due to the fires. But I could hear my therapist's voice in my head telling me that I was only practicing self-care; running in such bad quality air would definitely not be taking care of myself.

Still, I was worried that I was subconsciously using it as an excuse to procrastinate or skip my run. Trying to let "old Katie" go, I ultimately decided that I'd skip the run Friday and try for Saturday; if the air was still terrible, I'd even put it off again. The hard part was simply the change in plans--I thrive on routine--but this is an obstacle that I've needed to work on for a long time. A change in plans doesn't have to offset my goals.

It rained Friday night, which helped clear the smoke quite a bit; on Saturday morning, it was much better. I headed out before I could change my mind, aiming for anything more than 0.80 miles (my previous run). It felt hard, like all of the runs have felt so far, but maybe slightly less hard than before. I ran 0.85 miles with a 12:43/mi pace, average heart rate of 155 bpm. This is interesting, because my previous run's heart rate was 150 bpm and I felt HORRIBLE, but at 155 bpm for this one, I felt (slightly) better.

Tuesday- (I'll explain below why I didn't run Monday) I set out to run anything more than 0.85 miles. From the very beginning, my body felt heavy and I could have sworn I was running backwards by how slow it felt. Since I couldn't care less what my pace is, I just focused on trying to reach the distance. I truly thought I might have to stop midway, but after half a mile, I could "see" the finish line and that was enough to make me push on. I was going to stop at 0.86 miles, but I was practically in front of my house, so I just continued until hit 0.90.

Despite feeling terrible, I'd run 0.90 miles with a 12:34/mile pace and average heart rate of 154 bpm. Since I was deliberately going very slowly to try to avoid getting to the point where I can't breathe, I was really surprised to see my pace was faster. So maybe I am improving a little, just not in the way I hoped. (Like I said, I don't care about my pace as much as I do the distance and especially the *feeling*; I ultimately want to be able to run three miles and have it feel easy again.)

The reason I ran Tuesday instead of Monday was because Jerry and I spontaneously decided on Sunday morning to go for a bike ride at the Metropark (this led to sore hips and thighs). A spontaneous bike ride is *extremely* unusual for us. Ever since lockdown, we sort of got into the habit of being far less active in our free time. We've never been one of those couples that goes out kayaking, cycling, running, etc. every weekend (that would be great, but it's never been us).

In fact, I couldn't even remember the last time I rode my bike. Three years ago? Five? Jerry even got our bikes tuned up last summer and we never. took. them. out. So, when I was feeling kind of antsy on Sunday morning, I told Jerry that I felt like *doing* something--I didn't know what that meant, just that I had some energy to burn. He suggested going for a bike ride (probably not even being serious) but I actually thought that sounded like a good idea. And now that he has a truck, we're able to easily take our bikes somewhere to ride (we don't have sidewalks or bike paths near home, and it's pretty dangerous to ride on the roads).

We parked in the same place that Jessica and I used to park for our long runs when we were marathon training. One direction of the path leads into the Metropark, and round-trip is 10 miles (I'm surprised I remembered that, considering I haven't done a long run in probably seven or eight years).

It wasn't too hot or sunny, which is why I ended up really enjoying it (if it had been sunny, I probably wouldn't have gone). There were a lot of people out walking, biking, fishing... it was rarely busy when I used to run that route, so it was nice to see people out being active. And it was inspiring to me to make me want to be more active, "just for fun".

We took our time and chatted the whole way, and we really enjoyed it. We stopped for a picture on the bridge where we'd had our first kiss back in 1999!

Remember that time I went for a long bike ride with my helmet on backwards? Hahaha, Jerry never lets me forget it.

We both said we should go again next weekend; the whole thing, including the drive, only took about two hours and it set a good mood for the rest of the day.

Anyway, I feel good about my activity for the week. I did all three runs, increasing the distance (just slightly) each time; and I did exercise when I didn't even *have* to ;)

As far as my diet... three weeks in, and I've still been making some variation of beans and greens for dinner. I usually cook every other day; I'll make four portions and we eat it two days in a row. It's so odd not having to feed kids! Of course they're welcome to eat what I cook, but beans and greens aren't exactly the most enticing for 20- and 22-year old boys.

If I were cooking for just myself, I would eat dahl literally every day, but I've been making a variety of things to keep it interesting. I've been taking pictures and at the end of the month, I'll do a post of all the variations I've made. I honestly think that the beans and greens are what is making my weight drop like it is. We haven't had any processed/convenience food (for a while, Jerry was obsessed with breakfast burritos--tofu scramble with potatoes, peppers, vegan cheese, and chopped vegan breakfast "sausage" on a tortilla--and we ate it way too frequently).

The beans and greens are so filling that I don't even have thoughts of snacking after dinner. The sodium reduction alone is probably responsible for the large drop in what I assume was water weight. After last week's large loss on the scale, I assumed this week would be negligible; but once again, I was pleasantly surprised to see the scale moving along in a downward direction.

I was at 159.6 last week, and this morning I weighed 157.4.

It feels SO good to see progress. My poor food choices over the last couple of years had been hanging over my head and just felt so heavy all the time. But I guess I just wasn't in the right frame of mind to change it. I want to keep this momentum and make some permanent (healthy) habits!

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Wednesday Weigh-In: Week 2

Mirror selfies are the worst--so awkward!

Believe me, nobody is more surprised than I am that I have kept up with this for two weeks, haha. Knowing that I had committed to posting here on Wednesdays has actually been really helpful, though--now I remember why I liked the accountability (and also hated it sometimes).

This week hasn't been eventful at all, so this is going to just be a quick recap and weigh-in.

Jerry and I have still been eating some form of beans and greens every day for dinner, and I really love it. I don't think my digestive system has EVER been this happy! To find recipes/ideas, I've basically just been choosing bean dishes and then adding greens whether the recipe says to or not. Dr. Greger's cookbooks, How Not to Die Cookbook and How Not to Diet Cookbook, have a lot of good recipes that include beans and greens, too.

I had a container of salad greens that I bought with the intention of having salad before dinner every day, but didn't end up doing that. Next time, I need to make my dressing before buying the greens--otherwise, I get lazy and don't feel like getting out the blender and all the ingredients to make dressing. I didn't want to waste the greens, though, and I wondered if I could incorporate them into the beans and greens. (This was a mesclun/spring mix, so it included some red and green leaf lettuce; and cooking lettuce seemed really weird to me.)

When I googled it, I was very surprised to see it's actually super common to add lettuce to soup and other hot dishes! I made creole beans and added several handfuls of the mesclun mix (chopped) while it was cooking. It all wilted just like any other green and I honestly wouldn't have known what the heck kind greens were in there. We ate it with red rice and it was delicious!

Of course, this morning I happened to read that there is a big outbreak of some parasite in fresh produce, causing cyclosporiasis (main symptom is explosive diarrhea, can last weeks). And guess which of the 34 states who are reporting cases has the highest number? Correct, it's Michigan. Particularly, my county and two bordering it. And the most likely source for it? Lettuce mixes. Naturally.

It can't be killed with the typical chemicals, bleach, vinegar, or from freezing, but cooking food to at least 158 F will kill it. So maybe being too lazy to make salad dressing saved my ass (literally) this time. Jerry and I are going to Eastern Market (a farmer's market) in Detroit this weekend, so I'll buy a bunch of greens there. Collard greens freeze really well.

There is also a Vegan Fest in Detroit on Saturday! Other than my friend Bonnie, who lives in West Virginia, I don't know any other vegans. I'm excited to go check it out and talk to some of the vendors, and not feel like "the weirdo" with crazy harebrained ideas, like choosing not to eat animals ;) If anyone else is planning to go, let me know and I'd love to say hello.

[I started this post by saying it would be short and to the point. Have I *ever* done that?!]

Anyways, my food has been great this week--tons of fiber, beans and greens for dinner, lots of water. No sweets or snacking after dinner. Eating a filling dinner has helped a ton in cutting out the snacking.

As far as my return to running...

It's been SO HARD. I've been doing what I planned (three days a week, only goal is to run farther than the time before, in order to build my endurance up to three miles again). I am still just so stunned at how hard running feels. I had forgotten what it's like to be a true beginner, and to say it's humbling is an understatement. It's also been super hot and humid over the last couple of weeks. I've been doing my runs in the morning, but it's still not very hospitable.

-Last Wednesday, I did 0.63 miles at 13:04/mi. Average heart rate of 148 bpm.

-Friday, I had a VERY hard time. I kept telling myself to just go slowly, I can reach 0.64 miles (just slightly more than Wednesday). I ended up doing 0.65 at 13:23/mi and had an average heart rate of 150 bpm. (The air felt thicker, so I think that had something to do with it feeling so hard.)

-Monday, I was totally dreading it. I'd had such a rough run on Friday that I didn't want a repeat. Thankfully, it ended up going much better than I expected. I even thought about doing a full mile, but then I realized that would mean I'd have to do more than a mile next time. I'd rather just do smaller increments until it feels easier. So I ran 0.75 miles at 13:00/mi with average heart rate of 153 (interesting that my heart rate was higher but I felt better).

-I ran early today, knowing how hot it's going to get, and once again, felt like I was going to die. I pushed hard to finish 0.80 miles at 12:46/mi and 150 bpm heart rate.

And finally, my weigh-in...

Last week, I was at 166.2, and I was 158.6 today--what the heck?! Believe me, I am shocked. I was unsure I should even post this, because it's very atypical; I must have been retaining some serious water weight or beans and greens are magical foods. I definitely notice a difference in my clothes, though, which is nice. I'm not expecting a big loss (if any) on the scale next week after a week like this, but right now I'm happy to see the 150's again!

[It's funny, I remember saying, probably several times over the years, that I "never wanted to see the 150's again". It hits a lot different on the way down than it does on the way up!]

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Wednesday Weigh-In: Week 1

Surprise! I actually stuck to my plan and I'm posting a Wednesday Weigh-In.

First, though, I want to apologize for last week's blog update email. I use a company called "follow. it" to take care of my rss feed--basically, whenever I publish a post, they send out an email saying that there is a new post on my blog. I even pay extra so that I can personalize the sender, subject line, and get rid of the ads (even if I left the ads on there, that money doesn't even go to me--so why would I do that?!).

Well, the site wasn't taking my payment a couple of months ago, so I decided to try again later--and I forgot. My payment defaulted and I didn't know it, but they reset the things I'd personalized back to their "free" plan (tacky ads, no subject, etc.). Meanwhile, I'd contacted their support so that I could make my payment (the site still wasn't accepting it), I made the payment and apparently everything was good to go. And then I was pissed when I saw the email that was sent out after my last post. You can't even really tell what it is! If I didn't know what follow.it was, I wouldn't have even opened it.

So anyway, I *hopefully* have it taken care of now. I guess I won't know until I publish this post. Moving on...

I honestly had absolutely no idea when or what my previous weigh-in was, but curiosity got the better of me and I looked it up. It was on May 15, 2024--I am stunned that so much time has passed since I stopped writing frequently.

Back then, my weight was at 145.4. Now I kind of wish I hadn't looked, because I hate seeing the effect the last couple of years has had on my weight.

A note about my shirt: I've been really into altering clothes lately--I started by just doing visible mending of some clothes with patches and embroidery to hide stains or tears, as well as covering logos with appliqué. Anyway, my therapist talks a lot about the importance of self-care and it started a routine that I've been doing for nearly a year now and I love it:

My therapist's office is right around the corner from a huge Salvation Army store, and after my sessions, I go pick out a "project piece" for the week. For the shirt in my weigh in photo, I saw the green hoodie and loved the color--but it had a Moosejaw logo across the front. With some inspiration from Pinterest, I gathered up scraps and made the "very hungry caterpillar" to get rid of the logo. I also embroidered "eat the rich" under the caterpillar to let out a little political frustration, haha.

Anyways, now I pick out a project piece each week after therapy and make something that either turns out cute or turns into a dust rag or more scraps for another project. But it's been a really fun routine that I look forward to every week. And then I usually wear my project piece to therapy the next week.

Here is another shirt I did. When I was in elementary school, we had a very fun custodian who all the kids really liked. He used to call me "Katydid" and I remember feeling special that he gave me a cool nickname (although I'm sure all the kids had nicknames).

Before I even get into my weigh-in today, I should mention a few things that may affect my weight loss/gain this time around. First, my age--I started having perimenopause symptoms about a year ago and from everything I've heard/read, it becomes *very* difficult to lose weight in the peri/menopause years. I keep hoping I'm the exception 😂 

I'm also not as active as I used to be. For several years, I was remodeling the house and garage, refinishing furniture, building things with wood, and it seemed like I always had some project that was very labor intensive. My favorite pastime right now is sewing/crafting, which requires a lot of sitting (I do keep my iron all the way across the room from my sewing machine so that I have to constantly walk back and forth, though--every little bit helps!)

Following my surgery, my thyroid (or the half that's left of it) has been doing the job so far of keeping up with my thyroid hormones. As long as that stays good, my thyroid shouldn't cause problems with my weight.

Anyways, about this week... I actually did pretty well. Jerry and I stuck with our plan of having some sort of beans and greens dinner every day. I've been taking pictures, so maybe at the end of the month I'll post the meals we've had. I've been trying to be creative so that it doesn't feel like eating the same thing all the time and it's surprisingly easy to adjust most meals to include a bean and a green. My digestive system seems so much happier now that I'm back to eating loads of fiber and mostly whole foods.

As far as running goes, I chose to go the way of a full beginner again (well, myself as a beginner). I've done four runs since my last post (first one was right after I posted), and my only goal for each run is to run a little farther than the previous run. Even if it's just a hundredth of a mile, I will eventually reach my goal of three miles.

Let me tell you, that first run was HUMBLING. It doesn't help that I picked the hottest/most humid day in the middle of a heat wave to start. For the first day, I decided to start by just going around the block and if I felt okay, try to go farther.

Well. I felt like I was going to die after the first lap around the block--0.41 miles--and I stopped there. It hasn't been *that* long since I ran around the block, but it felt ten times harder than before. And I wasn't even going fast--my pace was 13:01/mile. I don't know if the weather had anything to do with it, but it was already 80 degrees with full sun at 6:30 AM, and the air felt like a steam room.

Friday was run number two and since I know that running around two blocks is half a mile, I figured I'd do that. It was just as hot, and I was really not looking forward to feeling as miserable as the last one. However, because the distance is so short (relatively speaking), I told myself I'd be back home in less than 10 minutes, tops.

It definitely felt just as hard. Harder, even. I almost started walking as soon as I hit 0.42 miles, but I managed to push myself to finish. Total of 0.51 miles, pace was 12:42/mi.

Monday, it was 70 degrees and raining and I couldn't have been more thrilled. ANYTHING was better than the heat and humidity from the previous two runs. I was afraid to try adding another block to the distance, so I ran the same two blocks as before but added a short 0.02 by going just past my house. Total was 0.53, with a 12:49/mi pace.

Which brings me to today. The air was thick with humidity when I stepped outside to fill the squirrel feeder--and that was at 5:30 this morning. I was hoping that I was miraculously back in shape when I headed out to run and it would feel fantastic. Alas, that was not the case (shocking, I know). When I run a block going in a different direction, it's 0.63 miles total, so I chose to try that today. I figured that if it was too hard, I'd just try to make it to 0.54 miles and then walk the rest of the way.

Well, it was definitely hard, so I kept reminding myself to slow down. It's easy to pick up speed without realizing it and suddenly I'm struggling to breathe and I have to slow myself back down. Being this out of shape isn't fun at all.

Anyway, I gave it my all in order to finish out the whole 0.63 miles--I was only a couple of houses from home when, of course, Joey had to stop and poop. So I had to stop my watch for about 15 seconds while I picked up his poop and I could have used that as an excuse to just stop there, since I'd already gone farther than last time, but I started running again and finished it out. Ran 0.63 miles with a pace of 13:04/mi.

I'm going to consider my running this week a success. Even though it was extremely difficult for me, and I was very humbled, I did what I'd said I would--run a little farther each time--so I am happy with that.

And finally, my Wednesday Weigh-In. I didn't do an "official" weigh in for week 0, but I was at 168.8 last Wednesday, and today I was at 166.2. I don't really have any expectations for my weight because of the variables I mentioned earlier, so I'm good with this.

For this coming week, my plan is to just keep doing what I'm going. Lots of fiber, portion control, and building up my running fitness. I have to say, knowing that I was going to be posting this today was VERY helpful all week--the accountability factor is real. One week down, and now onto week two! 

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Runs for Cookies v. 2.0

I bet you didn't expect to see a post from me in your inbox today! Haha. This post has been on my mind for months and it's finally time (I feel like by posting about this, I'm committing to it... which is why it took me so long).

I've been thinking about doing Wednesday Weigh-Ins again and I pretty sure I'm ready. I haven't written much about weight in a few years, mainly because I feel like I *should* be "body positive" and "happy at any size", and that "weight is just a number". That's what we've all learned over the last 10 years or so, right? I love the idea. But.

I'm *not* happy with my size and it's hard to feel positive about it. I know that I'm not morbidly obese anymore, but I am not even a little bit comfortable with my size now (physically or mentally). The last 20 pounds have always made a huge difference for me in lots of ways; I now have about 35 pounds to lose (my goal is 133). Other than a few random moments, I've been between 160 and 170 for at least a year and a half I think.

I have no photos for this post, so here is a picture of Joey from a couple of weeks ago. Can you believe that's a 12-and-a-half-year old dog?!

This is where I feel like my blog is starting version 2.0.

I've taken such a long hiatus from blogging that I feel like I'm starting completely over with my original goals (weight loss and running). Obviously I don't have as much weight to lose as I did in 2009, but it still feels very daunting. I'd like to work on both my weight/diet and running again, from a beginner level. A few months ago, I started running again (beginning with just half a mile) and I managed to increase a bit each run--running three days a week.

After five weeks, I got sick (just a cold but my throat was really sore) and my three days off turned indefinite. I recognize that one of my biggest faults is that I'm a perfectionist about certain things--if I break a streak of some sort, I have a very hard time just moving on. I talked about this in my last therapy session, which is probably why I'm inspired to actually get this post written.

[Side note: Therapy has been going *very* well. This is, by far, the most progress I've made with a therapist. I would feel comfortable posting details here if it didn't involve other people in my life. It's not fair to them, especially considering I haven't even talked to any of them about it. So, I'm sorry to say that I have to post the cryptic version on my blog. I know how annoying that is, I really do. So, you can just skip ahead a couple of paragraphs--that's what I would do, out of spite 😂

Basically, I've discovered how a few incidents from my childhood/teens have caused me to have overwhelming anxiety over things in day-to-day life that other people would think are totally no big deal. About four years ago, it got much worse, causing big disruptions in my life. So my therapist and I have been exploring those distortions and he's helping me learn to put myself first and set boundaries. I've especially made huge progress on my anxiety over the past few weeks! End side note.]

Anyway, Jerry and I have been feeling very mortal lately. I swear, ever since I turned 40, I started noticing and questioning every little difference in my body. I also started getting perimenopause symptoms about a year ago, which doesn't help. The biggest shock, though, came in December 2025. There was a super-early text from my mom telling me to call her when I woke up. I get out of bed embarrassingly early anyway, so I called her back right away.

She told me Kevin had died. Kevin was a good family friend and also my friend Audrey's husband. To refresh your blog knowledge: Audrey and my sister have been best friends since childhood; Audrey was basically a sister growing up, super close with my family. Kevin's mom and my mom were best friends as well (going back to childhood). We all lived in the same small town. I've mentioned Audrey in my Winers posts and some running posts, and most recently was last July when we went to the casino for Noah's birthday.

Needless to say, Audrey is essentially family. Everybody was thrilled when Audrey and Kevin got together as adults. Then married. And then had a son, who is a little younger than Noah.

The last time I saw Kevin was at my brother's July party last year. Ironically enough, when he was walking toward my sister and me with his ear-to-ear smile and wide sparkling eyes crinkling at the corners--you know, that super happy look that just makes you hate them because you wish you could be *that* happy? yeah, that--and I thought to myself, "THIS is what they mean when they say, 'his smile lit up a room' on every true crime podcast ever. (Note: if you don't want to get murdered, don't light up a room with your smile or give anyone the shirt off your back.)

Anyway, Kevin had a BIG presence--extremely social, charismatic, and lively. And the last time I saw him, he could not stop talking about his son, who was only a freshman in college at the time--and works for NASA. Kevin was SO proud. "How many people can say they have a kid who works for frickin' NASA?!"

So, Kevin and Audrey were on vacation in Florida in December. Kevin was complaining about his arm hurting during lunch and Audrey said they should at least get him checked out at the hospital. [Side note: A few years ago, Audrey was on vacation with Kevin and their son, as well as her dad, in Mexico. They were on a scuba excursion when her dad had a heart attack and passed away on the boat. So naturally, better safe than sorry when Kevin wasn't feeling good.]

Kevin began driving to the hospital and Audrey said all of a sudden he just slumped over the steering wheel, unresponsive. She somehow managed to stop the car. She was trying to flag a car to pull over and help (no one did), and she couldn't get Kevin out of the car. Anyway, it was awful--Kevin had already passed from a heart attack, likely before she even stopped the car. He was only 52.

This shook me. I grew up around Kevin! And now we're at the ages where we have to think that a heart attack out of nowhere is a real possibility. Death of "natural causes" is no longer extremely rare at this age.

A couple of months later, I learned that actor James Van Der Beek died of colorectal cancer at age 48. I wasn't a recent fan of his, but I was a big Dawson's Creek fan back in the day and this news was shocking to me as well. Maybe it's just the algorithm of life in general, but it seems like I've been seeing stories everywhere lately about people in their 40's and even 30's getting--and dying from--colon cancer. It used to be something you didn't really worry about until you were 50 and starting preventive colonoscopies every 10 years. Now the recommended age for screenings is 45, but I think it should be even lower than that.

After Kevin's death and reading more and more about people my age getting colon cancer, I felt kind of "scared straight". Jerry, too--he said Kevin's death made him feel so mortal it's kind of scary. We decided we need to really clean up our lifestyle habits. Being vegan is a great advantage against colon cancer, but Jerry (who is plant-based) and I had been eating way too many convenience foods, not enough vegetables, and we could definitely stand to dial down the evening snacking. And as always, sweets are my nemesis.

I'm not good at moderation--never have been--so I knew I needed to cut the sweets out entirely. I made a bet with a friend, knowing I would lose a significant amount of money if I caved, and it's been at least a few months now. The bet goes until late-August, but I'm not planning to start eating sweets again if I can help it. It's way too hard to quit!

Jerry and I also quit snacking at night, for the most part. I changed up my routine entirely, actually. I have started eating a large breakfast (not in volume, but calories), skipping lunch (or having something very small like popcorn or fruit), and having a large dinner--essentially just splitting my calories up into eating twice a day. I didn't do that for any sort of conscious strategy, it's just what feels most natural to me (at least right now). Lunch is inconvenient, and since I eat a big breakfast, I don't feel super hungry anyway.

I suspect that the calories in my dinner are much higher than I thought. Otherwise, I'd have lost weight! I haven't counted calories in over four years, but I'm going to track them for the next couple of weeks just to see if I am, in fact, eating more than I think. If I am, I just need to cut down on portions at dinner.

My main dietary goal right now is to eat as much fiber and vegetables as possible. My breakfast is loaded with 21 grams of fiber (I make a bowl with Grape Nuts, uncooked oats, frozen blueberries, cocoa powder, shredded coconut, almonds, flaxseeds, chia seeds, hemp seeds, almond and coconut extracts, and plain unsweetened soy milk). It's SO good.

One of my favorite meals is Jerry's Beans & Greens and while we were eating it recently, I said there were so many variations we could probably make with a "beans and greens" combo, we should try out some ideas. I started going through cookbooks and soon had a long list of ideas to try.

I thought it would be fun to make a challenge for the month of July to have some sort of beans and greens for every dinner this month. Not only is it one of the healthiest combinations you can make, there are so many variations if you get creative. Ever since becoming vegan and trying all sorts of new foods, I discovered just how much I like Indian food and I cook it often. Thankfully, dahl (Indian lentil curry) is one of my favorite meals and is a very easy dish to throw some greens into.

Diet aside, I still haven't really decided what to do about running. I *think* I'm going to go back to my roots from 2010 and start that way--basically running as far as I can, and then trying to go a little farther each time. I'd started with three days a week, about 30 minutes each time. I swear, if I ever get my fitness level back to where I can run three miles and have it feel very easy, I will never skip a run again!

Anyway, aside from the weight loss, diet, and running stuff, I honestly don't have a lot to say. If I actually do follow through with posting Wednesday Weigh-Ins again, I'll try to write a few tidbits though.

The past few months have been kind of wild. A couple of years ago, Jerry had the opportunity to start traveling for work (visiting and helping at other plants). Usually, he's gone for a few days or a week; well, in March, he went to Texas for FIVE WEEKS, coming home the beginning of May. That was, by far, the longest we'd been apart in our 27 years together. I hate to think of myself as codependent, but I totally am. I had a very hard time for the first few weeks, and then when I finally started to get into a new routine, it was almost time for him to come home. (Only to go back last week! Only for a few days this time, though.)

Okay, this is much longer than I thought. I actually started writing this about two weeks ago, but was having such a hard time writing--I guess that's what happens when you're this out-of-practice. If all goes according to plan, I'll post a weigh-in next Wednesday. Let's hope this week goes well!

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