I bet you didn't expect to see a post from me in your inbox today! Haha. This post has been on my mind for months and it's finally time (I feel like by posting about this, I'm committing to it... which is why it took me so long).
I've been thinking about doing Wednesday Weigh-Ins again and I pretty sure I'm ready. I haven't written much about weight in a few years, mainly because I feel like I *should* be "body positive" and "happy at any size", and that "weight is just a number". That's what we've all learned over the last 10 years or so, right? I love the idea. But.
I'm *not* happy with my size and it's hard to feel positive about it. I know that I'm not morbidly obese anymore, but I am not even a little bit comfortable with my size now (physically or mentally). The last 20 pounds have always made a huge difference for me in lots of ways; I now have about 35 pounds to lose (my goal is 133). Other than a few random moments, I've been between 160 and 170 for at least a year and a half I think.
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| I have no photos for this post, so here is a picture of Joey from a couple of weeks ago. Can you believe that's a 12-and-a-half-year old dog?! |
This is where I feel like my blog is starting version 2.0.
I've taken such a long hiatus from blogging that I feel like I'm starting completely over with my original goals (weight loss and running). Obviously I don't have as much weight to lose as I did in 2009, but it still feels very daunting. I'd like to work on both my weight/diet and running again, from a beginner level. A few months ago, I started running again (beginning with just half a mile) and I managed to increase a bit each run--running three days a week.
After five weeks, I got sick (just a cold but my throat was really sore) and my three days off turned indefinite. I recognize that one of my biggest faults is that I'm a perfectionist about certain things--if I break a streak of some sort, I have a very hard time just moving on. I talked about this in my last therapy session, which is probably why I'm inspired to actually get this post written.
[Side note: Therapy has been going *very* well. This is, by far, the most progress I've made with a therapist. I would feel comfortable posting details here if it didn't involve other people in my life. It's not fair to them, especially considering I haven't even talked to any of them about it. So, I'm sorry to say that I have to post the cryptic version on my blog. I know how annoying that is, I really do. So, you can just skip ahead a couple of paragraphs--that's what I would do, out of spite 😂
Basically, I've discovered how a couple of incidents from my childhood--at age 8 and especially at age 18--have caused me to have overwhelming anxiety over things in day-to-day life that other people would think are totally no big deal. About four years ago, it got much worse and progressed into a subtype of OCD. So my therapist and I have been exploring those distortions and he's helping me learn to put myself first and set boundaries. I've especially made huge progress on my anxiety over the past few weeks! End side note.]
Anyway, Jerry and I have been feeling very mortal lately. I swear, ever since I turned 40, I started noticing and questioning every little difference in my body. I also started getting perimenopause symptoms about a year ago, which doesn't help. The biggest shock, though, came in December 2025. There was a super-early text from my mom telling me to call her when I woke up. I get out of bed embarrassingly early anyway, so I called her back right away.
She told me Kevin had died. Kevin was a good family friend and also my friend Audrey's husband. To refresh your blog knowledge: Audrey and my sister have been best friends since childhood; Audrey was basically a sister growing up, super close with my family. Kevin's mom and my mom were best friends as well (going back to childhood). We all lived in the same small town. I've mentioned Audrey in my Winers posts and some running posts, and most recently was last July when we went to the casino for Noah's birthday.
Needless to say, Audrey is essentially family. Everybody was thrilled when Audrey and Kevin got together as adults. Then married. And then had a son, who is a little younger than Noah.
The last time I saw Kevin was at my brother's July party last year. Ironically enough, when he was walking toward my sister and me with his ear-to-ear smile and wide sparkling eyes crinkling at the corners--you know, that super happy look that just makes you hate them because you wish you could be *that* happy? yeah, that--and I thought to myself, "THIS is what they mean when they say, 'his smile lit up a room' on every true crime podcast ever. (Note: if you don't want to get murdered, don't light up a room with your smile or give anyone the shirt off your back.)
Anyway, Kevin had a BIG presence--extremely social, charismatic, and lively. And the last time I saw him, he could not stop talking about his son, who was only a freshman in college at the time--and works for NASA. Kevin was SO proud. "How many people can say they have a kid who works for frickin' NASA?!"
So, Kevin and Audrey were on vacation in Florida in December. Kevin was complaining about his arm hurting during lunch and Audrey said they should at least get him checked out at the hospital. [Side note: A few years ago, Audrey was on vacation with Kevin and their son, as well as her dad, in Mexico. They were on a scuba excursion when her dad had a heart attack and passed away on the boat. So naturally, better safe than sorry when Kevin wasn't feeling good.]
Kevin began driving to the hospital and Audrey said all of a sudden he just slumped over the steering wheel, unresponsive. She somehow managed to stop the car. She was trying to flag a car to pull over and help (no one did), and she couldn't get Kevin out of the car. Anyway, it was awful--Kevin had already passed from a heart attack, likely before she even stopped the car. He was only 52.
This shook me. I grew up around Kevin! And now we're at the ages where we have to think that a heart attack out of nowhere is a real possibility. Death of "natural causes" is no longer extremely rare at this age.
A couple of months later, I learned that actor James Van Der Beek died of colorectal cancer at age 48. I wasn't a recent fan of his, but I was a big Dawson's Creek fan back in the day and this news was shocking to me as well. Maybe it's just the algorithm of life in general, but it seems like I've been seeing stories everywhere lately about people in their 40's and even 30's getting--and dying from--colon cancer. It used to be something you didn't really worry about until you were 50 and starting preventive colonoscopies every 10 years. Now the recommended age for screenings is 45, but I think it should be even lower than that.
After Kevin's death and reading more and more about people my age getting colon cancer, I felt kind of "scared straight". Jerry, too--he said Kevin's death made him feel so mortal it's kind of scary. We decided we need to really clean up our lifestyle habits. Being vegan is a great advantage against colon cancer, but Jerry (who is plant-based) and I had been eating way too many convenience foods, not enough vegetables, and we could definitely stand to dial down the evening snacking. And as always, sweets are my nemesis.
I'm not good at moderation--never have been--so I knew I needed to cut the sweets out entirely. I made a bet with a friend, knowing I would lose a significant amount of money if I caved, and it's been at least a few months now. The bet goes until late-August, but I'm not planning to start eating sweets again if I can help it. It's way too hard to quit!
Jerry and I also quit snacking at night, for the most part. I changed up my routine entirely, actually. I have started eating a large breakfast (not in volume, but calories), skipping lunch (or having something very small like popcorn or fruit), and having a large dinner--essentially just splitting my calories up into eating twice a day. I didn't do that for any sort of conscious strategy, it's just what feels most natural to me (at least right now). Lunch is inconvenient, and since I eat a big breakfast, I don't feel super hungry anyway.
I suspect that the calories in my dinner are much higher than I thought. Otherwise, I'd have lost weight! I haven't counted calories in over four years, but I'm going to track them for the next couple of weeks just to see if I am, in fact, eating more than I think. If I am, I just need to cut down on portions at dinner.
My main dietary goal right now is to eat as much fiber and vegetables as possible. My breakfast is loaded with 21 grams of fiber (I make a bowl with Grape Nuts, uncooked oats, frozen blueberries, cocoa powder, shredded coconut, almonds, flaxseeds, chia seeds, hemp seeds, almond and coconut extracts, and plain unsweetened soy milk). It's SO good.
One of my favorite meals is Jerry's Beans & Greens and while we were eating it recently, I said there were so many variations we could probably make with a "beans and greens" combo, we should try out some ideas. I started going through cookbooks and soon had a long list of ideas to try.
I thought it would be fun to make a challenge for the month of July to have some sort of beans and greens for every dinner this month. Not only is it one of the healthiest combinations you can make, there are so many variations if you get creative. Ever since becoming vegan and trying all sorts of new foods, I discovered just how much I like Indian food and I cook it often. Thankfully, dahl (Indian lentil curry) is one of my favorite meals and is a very easy dish to throw some greens into.
Diet aside, I still haven't really decided what to do about running. I *think* I'm going to go back to my roots from 2010 and start that way--basically running as far as I can, and then trying to go a little farther each time. I'd started with three days a week, about 30 minutes each time. I swear, if I ever get my fitness level back to where I can run three miles and have it feel very easy, I will never skip a run again!
Anyway, aside from the weight loss, diet, and running stuff, I honestly don't have a lot to say. If I actually do follow through with posting Wednesday Weigh-Ins again, I'll try to write a few tidbits though.
The past few months have been kind of wild. A couple of years ago, Jerry had the opportunity to start traveling for work (visiting and helping at other plants). Usually, he's gone for a few days or a week; well, in March, he went to Texas for FIVE WEEKS, coming home the beginning of May. That was, by far, the longest we'd been apart in our 27 years together. I hate to think of myself as codependent, but I totally am. I had a very hard time for the first few weeks, and then when I finally started to get into a new routine, it was almost time for him to come home. (Only to go back last week! Only for a few days this time, though.)
Okay, this is much longer than I thought. I actually started writing this about two weeks ago, but was having such a hard time writing--I guess that's what happens when you're this out-of-practice. If all goes according to plan, I'll post a weigh-in next Wednesday. Let's hope this week goes well!
