January 28, 2021

Why I've Been Overeating (and the Subsequent Weight Gain)


I'm feeling brave today, so I'm going to get vulnerable. Eek! I always get nervous to write vulnerable things. But this topic has really come to light and hit me kind of hard only recently. (Also, there is power in vulnerability! Thank you, Brené Brown.)

I think I've finally figured out why I overeat and/or give up completely even trying to stay on track with my diet and exercise sometimes. Over the years, my weight has definitely gone up and down with my moods--that's nothing new--and in retrospect, I can see that most of my gains and losses were based on whether I was hypomanic or depressed. (Here is a post with the specifics and even nerdy weight graphs!)

Now that my bipolar disorder has been diagnosed and I've been on the correct medication for almost four years (can you believe it was almost four years ago that I was diagnosed with bipolar?!) I am seeing a different pattern.

I think my reasons for overeating have changed a bit over the years--when I was a kid, I didn't feel like I fit in with anyone and I found my own ways to deal with my emotions. Sneaking several Kudos bars from my Grandma's cupboard was a regular thing (I believe that was my first binge); coming home from school to an empty house in middle school and making a huge bowl of popcorn loaded with butter and watching TV (both were a distraction from everything); feeling stressed when the kids were little and ordering pizza way too often; periods of severe depression in my 20's and 30's where eating felt like the only thing that I looked forward to.

Lately, I've realized that the main cause of my overeating (and/or not being able to stick with my plans) is due to feeling extremely overwhelmed. And when I get overwhelmed or stressed, I procrastinate. ALl the things that need to be done? I find a distraction and pretend they don't exist. I say I'll worry about them tomorrow. My favorite distraction is eating or drinking or doing some other mind-numbing activity like playing Best Fiends on my phone.

There is nothing wrong with those things in moderation and at the right times, but when I feel overwhelmed, I use what I can to put things off until later. "I'll just do it tomorrow" and then I find a distraction (namely, food) so I don't feel guilty about what it is I'm procrastinating.

When I gave up drinking for all of 2019, I didn't have a glass of wine (or three) to look forward to in order to relax. And I started eating more, looking for something to distract me from all of the things on my "To Do" list. 

It never fails that I get comments from people on these types of vulnerable posts telling me to "get a job". That I need to "fill my boredom" with a job. I roll my eyes at these, because it's very rare that I am bored! Quite the opposite, actually. My "To Do" list is a mile long and it makes me feel so overwhelmed that I choose to procrastinate. (I did write a post about my choice to be a stay/work-at home mom, which you can read here. The comments are very interesting from different perspectives!)

Of course that is not ideal! I should just start doing the things that need to be done and as the list gets smaller, I'll feel less overwhelmed and have more time to relax. And also, I won't feel the need to use food to as a distraction. 

This is part of the reason that developing a routine is so important for my mental (and physical) health. The downside is that I get thrown for a loop when my routine is broken for some reason or another. Something as simple as going out to lunch with somebody throws me off! And going on a vacation/trip? Forget about it!

And that's not cool. It's one of the goals I have to work on this year. I want to work on not letting a break in my routine throw me off completely.

When I have a routine, I strive--mentally and physically. I feel best when I wake up at the same time every day, eat at the same time, drive the kids to school at the same time (since Noah drives now, it has helped a lot!), going for my walk at the same time, even walking the same route(!). I know that it may seem mundane to most people, but I like having the same routine every day.

It keeps me from feeling overwhelmed. Ideally, I would have a certain day to pay bills, a cleaning schedule to keep the house from getting too messy, and I would even schedule "fun time" where I can watch TV, play my Best Fiends game, or whatever--something pointless that I enjoy. When I do a little each day, it keeps me from letting it all build up and then just distracting myself with food or other bad habits to put off the stuff I actually need to do. 

I realize all this may not make sense--thanks, bipolar!--but I am trying really hard to develop a good routine this year. And along with that, I'm trying to figure out my "Plan B" for when things come up. And they will come up a lot! I've been journaling quite a bit about it, and I'm hoping it will help. I've already discovered just how much going to bed at a decent hour makes a difference in my energy levels. I hate sleeping (I feel like it's such a waste of time!) but I know it's necessary, so I'm doing the best I can to get to bed by 11:00.

I'm not so much doing this for weight loss/overeating as I am for just overall health. I want to feel better mentally just as badly as I do physically. I know that my physical stress causes some of my chronic pain in my neck, back, shoulders, and hips. The pain is lessened during times where I don't feel as overwhelmed. But when I feel stressed from all that needs to be done, I get knots in my muscles that are really painful. 

There are lots of reasons I need to get this stress/feeling of being overwhelmed under control. I'm working on it :) 

36 comments:

  1. I plan to share this with a friend who I was trying to explain the weight gain I've experienced since COVID. Working from home has allowed food to be a distraction and it is right there! Never let anyone put you down for choosing to "work" (you have work it's just different), just as I never allowed anyone to make me feel bad for returning to work. Regarding the weight loss, recently my doctor recommended focusing on overall health before the number on the scale. Work on mental health, physical health, kindness to myself, nourishing the body. Keeping calories in check but not obsessing about them. Living life, but remembering food guidelines such as DASH or MyPlate. I know your blog started as a weightloss/running blog, but I like almost every post you make, and the very few i didnt I didnt think twice about it. I love your honesty and sharing your life with us. I hope you do not get any negative comments but if you do, delete and forget. When a person cannot be kind it usually means they are miserable themselves. Keep working your best self, however that looks for you!

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    1. This has GOT to be tough on people that are used to going to work but now have to get used to working from home. I can't imagine!

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  2. I appreciate your vulnerable posts like this! We're a lot alike, and they help me see areas where I can do better, or maybe where I've already grown (haha usually there's more things to fix than not!). I'm excited to see where this realization will take you!

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    1. I empathize--there are always things I need to work on, and the list doesn't seem to get smaller ;)

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  3. Sometimes you hit it spot on. I struggle with this as well, I always have a long to do list for myself and sometimes I get so overwhelmed I just freeze. One thing that I try is to do three things every day from the list. They can be the smallest/easiest things but I have to do three and if that is all I want to do then I am done. I can veg out in front of the tv for the rest of the day, or whatever I want. Often times if I just tell myself I will do three productive things I feel better and do more. Thanks for sharing!

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    1. I like that idea, of choosing three things! It's overwhelming to look at the list of a dozen or more things that are waiting for me. Thanks!

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    2. I second the three things approach. I try to write down my three when I have my first cup of tea in the morning. If I dont do it, I dont panic, but I know if I do three things a day for a week, I'll be "caught up". It helps clear out some of the paralysis of the overwhelm.

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  4. I very much resonate with your post. I have always tried to figure out why I overeat. I thought if I could figure that out I could change that one thing and then it would be "easy" to lose the weight. I know now that my overeating comes from pretty much the same reasons as yourself. I thank you for being vulnerable. By doing so your letting others like me, feel that they are not the only ones feeling this way.

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    1. Thank you for commenting! I have always tried to figure it out, too. I've discovered that it's changed throughout the years. It's only been the past few years that my main reason for overeating is feeling overwhelmed and needing a distraction. Now I know that I need to work on my "to do" list a little at a time to feel less overwhelmed, and hopefully that will help me to stop overeating :)

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  5. Have you tried having a massage? My husband is a wonderful massage therapist here in TX and has helped so many of his clients find relief from their pain and stress.

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    1. I would LOVE to get a massage. Unfortunately, I am super self-conscious of my body. I know that's a dumb reason, but it's hard to get past that. Jerry massages me all the time, especially when I have knots in my back and shoulders, but I know I need a professional. You are so lucky to be married to a massage therapist! haha

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  6. I have been reading your blog for a couple of years and am very grateful for your example and vulnerability. You are amazing and I am always impressed with your insights into yourself, the things you accomplish and your ability to share with us. So thank you, thank you for putting words to how so many of us feel. Thank you for wisdom, encouragement, laughs and helps. Thank you for being you. I think you are beautiful and am grateful to have stumbled into your neck of the woods.

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words! They are appreciated more than you know. xo

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  7. I saw something on TikTok the other day that might help you. The wife had depression and her husband had ADD, so you can imagine it was challenging for them to complete tasks on their to-do list. They decided that every day at a specific time (for them it was when they came home from work), they would each roll a pair of dice and the number that came up on the dice corresponded to the task on the list they needed to complete before they moved on to whatever else they wanted to do, like tv or playing on their phone. They made it as uncomplicated as possible. If she rolled a 3 and the third thing on the list was to sweep out the garage, that would be her task for that day. Same procedure for her husband, so two things got crossed off the list each day. Maybe you could adapt this in some way that would help?

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    1. That is so interesting! What a difficult combination to have with a couple. I really love the idea of the dice. Thanks for sharing!

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  8. I too love your vulnerable posts. When you share your struggles, it makes mine feel normal, not so odd, not so awful. I'm sorry you struggle. Wouldn't wish it on anyone, but when you share it, wow. So helpful. Thanks again and always!

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    1. Thank you, Nita! Something that always sticks out to me with your book was that you played solitaire all the time (which seemed to have been used for avoidance--but I'm sorry if I'm mistaken!). I love that you are doing so well now <3

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  9. I am going through the same over eating thing. xoxo

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    1. I'm sorry, Kristina. I think it'll be a lifelong struggle for us both! It's only been, what, 20 years since we "met" on OD? Haha! I'm super impressed that you've kept off most of your weight all this time.

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  10. Routine makes sense. A routine keeps from feeling overwhelmed because it is routine the decision is already made. My therapist keeps bugging me to read "Tiny Habits" as I struggle with procrastination and making decisions. She said it is the best book she has read on the topic. In your post a connection for me was can it be tied to healthy eating and taking care of your body (weight loss)? Just thinking out loud. I have struggled with healthy eating and have lost over a 100 pounds and gained it back twice. So I understand/dealing with your road. I might have to actually read it and see if I can apply some of the ideas to weight loss (not that weight loss is my only goal but since I am overweight it is a part of a healthier me). I am super introverted so this is weird but if you want to do a book read club/accountability on the book let me know. Barbara Serna barbaraserna@hotmail.com

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    1. I absolutely think that it's tied to taking care of my body! I've been doing really well for the past several days and I feel MUCH better already. And more productive! I will have to check out the book Tiny Habits. Thanks for the suggestion! I'd be happy to compare notes with you if you're going to read it too :)

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  11. I have had the same struggled the whole time during Covid- everything is thrown off all the time for almost a year now! I am not happy with my eating to cope, either, I feel ya.

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    1. It's so weird, right?! It seems like 2020 was some sort of time warp. I'm SO ready for things to get back to normal!

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  12. I thrive when I can follow a routine too. I appreciate your raw honesty on this blog. Screw anybody who feels the need to leave a negative comment. You do you!

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    1. Thank you! I understand that people may not agree with me, and I am totally open to others' opinions--it would just be nice if they weren't rude or passive aggressive about it ;)

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  13. I agree Katie as I suffer with the same thing. I am going to get the book "Tiny Habits" that one of the commenters recommended. I need to stick to a routine too. Thank you for your vulnerability it really does help us all out here who suffer with similar challenges.

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    1. I just started listening to Atomic Habits today (Tiny Habits wasn't available) and it's AMAZING. I'm not sure if the books are similar, but judging by the titles, I would imagine. Atomic Habits seems like it will be life-changing. I already know that I'll listen to it a couple more times!

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  14. I feel like maybe you're misunderstanding the people who are telling you to "get a job." I don't know if that's the answer. Frankly, nobody, including you, knows the answer. But as a teacher, I have about 10 months where I have a job and two months where I'm home. I can tell you that I struggle greatly with all of the things that you mention (routine, structure, procrastination, feelings of being overwhelmed) when I'm off during the summer. My to-do list is also a mile long, so it's not boredom, but when I go back to work during the school year, many of those feelings go away. Again, you know you better than anybody else, but I think rolling your eyes and immediately dismissing the suggestions of people who think you should get a job is short-sighted. People are suggesting a regular work routine, purpose, and structure to your life, which is drastically different than "something to fill your time." Just my two thoughts :-)

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    1. Agree with you! People suggesting getting a job, etc, are coming from a place of having lived that experience or knowing someone who has. I also struggle without routine... My mom was a stay at home mom when I was growing up. She was also a paraplegic and in a wheelchair. When I left for college, she started to volunteering at a local senior center and elementary school to give herself something to focus on, get out of the house, etc. These ideas aren't something to roll your eyes at but rather consider if they might help.

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    2. I am totally cool with people giving their opinions in a polite way (as you both have). What I have a problem with is the people that dismiss my reasons for choosing to work from home and are very rude about how I am a "bored lazy housewife". I am far from bored (and lazy). I also greatly admire women who work outside of the home because I just can't imagine handling a full time job PLUS all that needs to be done at home. I would never tell them that they "should stay home", so I would hope that people wouldn't tell me that I "should get a job". If they explain why they love having a job outside of the home, that's awesome--and I am much more likely to take their opinions to heart. Hopefully that makes sense! Thanks for commenting :)

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    3. Yes! I am also a lifelong sufferer of anxiety and depression. Yes, work brings its own stressors but my anxiety was at its worst last summer when I was furloughed for 2 months. I just felt so restless and panicky.

      Not everyone says "get a job" in an unkind way. Many of us have struggled the same way Katie has. Yes, many many people suffer with mental health issues. We are speaking from experience about things that actually helped.

      I honestly think even a part-time job is worth at least considering for 5 minutes simply for the way it provides an automatic structure, something Katie repeatedly states she needs. May be more helpful than years of blog posts complaining about the same things but never actually making a true lifestyle change.

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    4. Leslie-I think it’s pretty rude to suggest someone lacks “purpose” if they don’t have a job.

      P.s.- the people who suggested this were rude and condescending- you guys aren’t far off either. Katie knows what works for her.

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  15. I understand and appreciate this entire post. As a person who is slowly grow more aware of her own neuro diverse issues; raising a house full of kids with issues that effect schedules and plans and make the ability to zone out a million miles away I get it. Schedules are my dream plan. I so want to have a firm schedule for my life and have to admit though I love the break going away provides it also changes my schedule and how we are.
    I also understand the procrastination part. I know some people fall that way because if it cant be perfect and totally complete do not even start. I myself avoid starting like you often to avoid difficult tasks that once done are not as hard as my mind says.
    So long rambling post short; do what you do as best as you can. And yeah food is the worst and yet most simple distraction ever. (Hello carbs and yummy homemade pasta and baked goods...)

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    1. Yes! I always thought that "perfectionism" meant that you make sure everything is perfect all the time. And then I learned that perfectionists can actually be the opposite of that--if they don't feel they can make something perfect, they don't even bother to start. It was so interesting to me!

      This year, one of my biggest goals is to work on not letting the changes in my day to day schedule throw me off. I need to learn to work on being flexible and allowing for that flexibility in whatever plan I have going!

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  16. Hypervolt for your pain!! Best money ever spent!!

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I used to publish ALL comments (even the mean ones) but I recently chose not to publish those. I always welcome constructive comments/criticism, but there is no need for unnecessary rudeness/hate. But please--I love reading what you have to say! (This comment form is super finicky, so I apologize if you're unable to comment)

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