Feeling Old

I never used to think about getting old or worry about what I would look like as I got older. Until a couple of years ago, I used to think I looked relatively young for my age (or at least not *older than* my age).

I had a very hard time turning 30, but after that hump, I didn't worry too much about the number. I didn't freak out over getting some gray hairs. I think wrinkles in the right places can actually be cute! (I love "crows feet" that crinkle when people smile). 

Several months ago, someone said something that felt like a punch in the stomach and really made me question all of that again. And I hate that I let it bother me! I'm used to people talking about my weight--it's super public and I have no problem discussing it (obviously). But my age?

I'm 38. Jerry will be 40 in a couple of weeks.

I'd gone with Jerry to his appointment with the gastroenterologist about his stomach issues, and they ordered lab work. We went right from his appointment to the lab. We walked into the lobby, and Jerry brought his script up to the counter while I sat down in the waiting area. Jerry handed over his ID and insurance card, and the woman who took them exclaimed that she would never have guessed he was in his late thirties...

"I thought that was your mom with you!"

My mouth literally gaped open. The other receptionist immediately tried to explain "he just looked so young--not that you looked old". I couldn't even laugh about it. She thought I was his MOM?

Suddenly, every hair on my head was gray, and every wrinkle on my face was as deep as the Grand Canyon. I was a little old lady with a walker and bifocals, drinking prune juice and calling the receptionists "honey" in a thin, wavering voice. I was ancient. At Death's door. God's waiting room. Bill Knapps, for Chrissake! (And saying words like "Chrissake")

I write this tongue-in-cheek, of course. (The Bill Knapps reference is something that my friend Sarah and I used to laugh about in college--she worked at Bill Knapps and would talk about how most people who dined there were probably in their 80's.) But I'd never felt self-conscious about my age until that one comment threw me for a loop. One that is still circling. 

All of the signs of aging suddenly started to hit me. I hadn't thought about it until it was brought to my attention via a very nice receptionist who was not trying to be rude, but happened to blurt out the wrong thing to an insecure person.

Lately, I've been very conscious of my skin.

The sun is not good to my skin. For as long as I can remember, I've had vitiligo (a skin condition that causes white patches to form because the skin in those areas loses pigment). People tend to think of Michael Jackson when they hear about vitiligo--I do believe he had it as he claimed, but I think he probably had some sort of treatment to lighten the rest of his skin to "match" the vitiligo patches.

Anyways, I have patches here and there, which are easily hidden, but I also have it on my face (not so hidden). It honestly never really bothered me until a year or so ago when I noticed that I was also getting darker pigmentation in areas of my face, too (melasma, I believe, but I haven't been diagnosed with anything). Melasma is basically the opposite of vitiligo. I guess they are fighting for territory on my face?!

The vitiligo is most pronounced around my eyes, particularly my left eye (it almost looks like white eyeshadow). Ever since I started walking twice a day outside, the dark spots are getting darker which makes the vitiligo stand out even more. I really hate that the skin on my upper lip has darkened--it looks like I have a mustache!

I don't like to wear make-up, and I rarely do. But maybe if I did, people wouldn't think I was old enough to have a 39-year old son!

Whenever I go outside, I wear SPF 110 and a visor to shield my face. I always wear the sunscreen, even if it's cloudy outside or early morning when the sun is barely up. I hoped that by keeping my face protected from the sun, the dark spots wouldn't get darker. However, it just keeps getting worse, and each time I see my face in the mirror or pictures, I feel self-conscious of it.

Anyway, I know a lot of this is mental (ridiculous that I let one woman's comment trigger this consciousness of aging) but I really am concerned about my skin. Do any of you have melasma and/or vitiligo? I don't mind the vitiligo very much, because my skin is (usually) very light and you can't see the vitiligo patches very well. But this melasma (or whatever is making the skin on my face darken) is driving me crazy because it seems to get worse by the day.

I'm just curious if any of you experience it and if you have any advice--I'd love to hear/read! (I don't take birth control pills, which that is known as a trigger for melasma, so it's not related to that.)

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Day 37 (and a recap)

I'm not even sure what to call this challenge that I'm doing anymore--I wrote previously about not calling it "75 Hard" because of a discrepancy about the "diet" rule (that post explains it better). I'm trying to keep this whole challenge simple and enjoyable, so I've just been continuing what I'd been doing all along.

I still want to build discipline, though, so I need a time frame/goal to work toward. So, I'm going to extend the challenge to 90 days total, and I'm not going to start over from Day 1 if I break any of the "rules". Right now, it's just become more of a personal goal rather than a challenge--in my mind, those are different. And that's hard to explain!

Anyway, this week has gone really well. After writing about breaking one of the rules and having to start over from Day 1, I just got right back on track. I think that shows a LOT of discipline (for me) because I didn't let one day turn to two, and then a week, and then just quitting altogether.

Going forward, today marks 37 days since I started "75 Hard". So, I'm counting this as Day 37 of 90. I'm sure I've made this super confusing, but I'm really just trying to keep it simple without "start overs" and questioning myself if I'm following the original rules accurately enough.

So, today is Day 37 of 90 and these are MY goals for it:

• Build discipline to stick with something all the way through
• Gain self-confidence
• Feel in control
• Develop good habits/eliminate bad habits
• Feel healthier/hopefully lose some weight

And these are the original "rules" that I'd been following (and am continuing with)...

1. Follow a diet of choice (I'm doing intermittent fasting with a 20:4 ratio of fasting to eating. I eat whatever I'm in the mood for, but basically I've been making a filling high-calorie dinner and then having either a dessert or snack if I'm still hungry.)

2. Work out 45 minutes twice a day--at least one has to be outside. (I've been walking for most of the workouts, but I occasionally ride my bike. I've done a few treadmill walks, but almost all of them have been outside.)

3. Take a progress photo every day. (I take a full-length mirror selfie every morning before my walk.)

4. Drink a gallon of water every day.

5. Read 10 pages of an inspirational book.

To sum everything up to Day 37 so far:

Follow a diet of choice

The longer I do intermittent fasting, the more I enjoy it. I stay very busy during the day and then eat dinner at about 4:00. I eat enough in my window that I don't feel hungry for the rest of the night. It feels good to eat until I literally don't want any more. I even skip out on dessert or a snack sometimes because I'm comfortably full and just don't want it. I've also been eating healthier meals--since I'm condensing my food intake to four hours, I want to make the food worth it.

Work out 45 minutes twice a day

Lots and lots of walking. This has become complete habit to me by now (the morning walk has, anyway). Joey loves this new habit because I take him with me and he gets so excited when he hears that I'm awake and getting dressed. Even if I wanted to quit my morning walks, I would feel way too bad for Joey!

I actually really enjoy the walking, which has been the biggest surprise to me. Exercise had always felt like a chore--something I did but never looked forward to. Now, I genuinely like listening to an audiobook while walking the peninsula. When I walk, I don't have pace or time goals or anything like that. If I feel like walking slowly, I do; if I feel like pushing it a bit, then I do that, too.

I was kind of surprised when I tallied up the totals today. In 35 days, I walked nearly 165 miles (I'll include this week's totals next week) and I biked 57 miles. I like to keep track of the numbers below because I'm curious if my heart rate will get lower as I exercise more. I'm not doing MAF training (my heart rate is always below MAF when I walk) but I'm still interested to see if all the walking/biking has an effect.

Take a progress photo every day

This has become a habit, too--as soon as I wake up, I get dressed for my walk and while I'm in the bathroom pulling my hair back and brushing my teeth, I take a selfie in the mirror right before I leave. I am SO glad that I have been doing the progress photos. I was bummed that I wasn't losing weight, but when I looked through my progress pictures, I could see a big difference--even from week to week.

Here is a comparison of Day 1 versus today, Day 37:

And here, just for the sake of comparing with the same shirt, is Day 8 versus 37:

Here is a post where I shared some comparisons after four weeks on plan.

Drink a gallon of water every day

Nothing much to say about this. I've done it every day for 37 days now.  The exercise helps me get in the water--I feel dehydrated after going out in the heat and walking for 45 minutes. I hate feeling puffy from dehydration, and that's actually what pushes me to get in enough water.

Read 10 pages of an inspirational book

I'm almost done with David Goggins' book "Can't Hurt Me" (Amazon affiliate link). I've only been reading 10 pages a day--I read really slowly, so it takes me a while. This book is fascinating, though--Goggins' discipline is absolutely crazy. He makes zero excuses for anything at all.

I recommended it to my brother, Nathan, because I thought it sounded like something he'd like. He liked it so much that he bought the audiobook, too, in order to listen during his commute. He said the audiobook has more than the written book--interviews and things between chapters.

I'm not sure what my next book will be. I should probably figure that out!

Needless to say, I'm very happy with how I've been doing on this challenge. I'm feeling good enough about it to extend it to 90 days and I'm actually enjoying the new habits :)

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Chillin'

Jerry is off work today and I feel like I haven't spent time with him in such a long time! He's been working so much lately. So, we are going to watch a movie ('Shooter')--yes, that is pretty much all we do for fun, hahaha. We've seen 'Shooter' before, but something brought it up earlier and we decided we wanted to watch it tonight. 

He made hamburgers for dinner on his new grill (I bought him a grill for our anniversary--he's been wanting one for a while!) and then we immediately got in our pajamas for a relaxing evening at home.

So anyways, I'll just leave you with a couple of pictures of Duck in the strangest of "chillin'" positions. It's so funny to see a cat sit this way! He does it all the time.

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A Couple of Relatable Mental Illness Documentaries

So last night, I finished watching the documentary "Overcoming Depression: Mind Over Marathon" on Amazon Prime. It's a two-part series about 10 people (in England) who have various mental illnesses--anxiety, depression, PTSD, OCD--and they train together to run a marathon. 

They are guided by a therapist, running coaches (not the hardcore type of trainers you see on weight loss shows making them work out for eight hours a day--just "regular" coaches who help them train), and a nutritionist.

I really liked the first episode, which introduced them and their stories. One woman, in particular, really had a heartbreaking story and I just wanted to hug her. She had a very young son (I don't remember his age, but he was crawling). He got sick and died very very quickly. It didn't go into the details of how he died, but it was too late to save him before he even reached the hospital by ambulance.

The woman's husband was so distraught by the tragedy that he took his own life just four days later, leaving her with their remaining children. Even though all of the medical personnel agreed that there was nothing more she could have done for her son, she blamed herself and became very depressed.

She still had to take care of her other kids, so she was just doing everything on autopilot. While speaking to the therapist, she broke down and started crying, then apologized for it and said she "never" loses her composure like that. I felt so bad that she was carrying that burden around all the time. As a parent, I can absolutely understand that feeling of blaming yourself for something happening to your child--even if it's not your fault. (Not saying that I know her pain, because losing a child must be unimaginably horrific; but I can understand the feeling of blaming yourself.)

Anyway, this documentary wasn't a "I have depression, and now I'm going to do everything the trainer tells me and I'm going to feel so much better and run a marathon and life is great!" (Actually, that sounds like my bipolar self, hahaha). I liked that their journeys were real and relatable (as someone with mental illness). 

There was one man who ultimately decided not to train for the marathon because of his anxiety, but he did manage to get on a train to go cheer the others on (going on a train was a huge deal for him--his anxiety over it was terrible). 

It's SO hard to describe to someone what mental illness feels like. Anxiety is a horrible feeling to live with, especially when it's generalized anxiety and there is no "reason" for it. It's just there. Listening to the people on the documentary describe their feelings was so interesting because they put into words things that I feel and it helps me to know that there are other people who "get it".

One thing that I really loved about this documentary is that it wasn't totally focused on this one end goal of running a marathon. Yes, that was the plan, but the main focus was using running to help fight mental illness. When I exercise regularly, it definitely helps with my anxiety. When I am going through a depressive episode, however, the depression makes it extremely difficult to exercise. 

I won't spoil the ending about who completes the marathon and all that. I wouldn't say that the film was amazing and fantastic and go watch it right now, but it was refreshing--refreshing to have real people share about their mental illnesses on camera and working on a real-life goal.

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After watching "Overcoming Depression", Amazon Prime suggested a documentary to me called "Of Two Minds" and it's all about bipolar disorder. It it's a feature length doc where people with bipolar disorder describe their experiences and how bipolar affects their lives.

I really liked this doc! Again, I love that people put into words the way that I feel and have a hard time describing. 

It's a film that I think people with bipolar would enjoy, but more so, a film that people with bipolar would like their friends and/or family to watch so that they can understand the disorder, too.

Of Two Minds was also great because it showed the humor that many of us can find in mental illness. I know it sounds so weird, but I do find humor in the quirks I have, and my "craziness". I don't want people tip-toeing around it--call me crazy! It's okay. I am totally crazy sometimes. 

If I'm watching a movie with the family and someone does something "crazy" that sounds like something I'd do, I'll say, "ME!" and then Jerry and the kids laugh because they know it's true. I LOVE funny memes about mental illness--it actually makes me feel better to see them because I know that others have a lot of the "quirks" that I do! (Here is a post of 100 of my favorite memes about mental illness).

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Anyway, those are two documentaries I've watched over the last couple of days. I love documentaries, and seeing these ones that I could relate to so much was great!

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Choose Your Own Hard

Shortly after I started 75 Hard, Adam and I got in a discussion about what the "rule" was on the diet part of the 75 Hard challenge. He said that we weren't allowed to have junk food/dessert/etc., where I believed that we could follow our own plan based on our goals (whether it was weight loss, muscle gain, etc.).

We both listened to the podcast again, and agreed that it did say to follow your own "diet"--Andy Frisella (creator of the challenge) said he wasn't going to lay out the rules.

Well, it turns out that in another (more recent) podcast interview, Frisella specified not to "stack calories" (i.e. intermittent fasting) and that you must "eat clean, through and through". Different from the previous podcast.

I happen to love the intermittent fasting and I don't "eat clean, through and through", so I technically haven't been following the 75 Hard challenge. And you know what? I'm totally cool with that.

I have gotten what I needed out of 75 Hard. I went into it wanting to gain the control and discipline needed to drop the weight I've gained (and hopefully feel better mentally). I've certainly met those expectations! I'm not going to call what I've done "75 Hard" anymore, out of respect for those that are doing it the way Frisella recently specified. But I did do 32 days of extremely disciplined eating, exercise, reading, drinking water, and taking a progress photo every day. 

It makes me want to make a "Choose Your Own Hard" challenge--because not everybody thinks the same things are "hard". For me, working out twice a day for 45 minutes each time was hard--doable, but hard! For someone else, that might be a cake walk. For me, drinking a gallon of water every day was nothing to blink at; but to others, it may seem impossible. 

Because the challenge has helped me so much (the way I've been doing it), I'm going to continue. I'm just not going to call it 75 Hard. I'm not going to call it anything, really, at least not right now. What I've been doing has been hard enough for me to feel uncomfortable, but not SO hard that I wanted to quit before I started. 

Until I decide otherwise, I'm just going to keep doing what I've been doing: 1) Intermittent fasting; 2) Drink a gallon of water a day; 3) Read 10 pages of an inspirational book; 4) Take a progress photo every day; and 5) Do two 45-minute workouts every day.

I'll share my progress now and then (assuming I continue to make progress!).

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Yesterday, we went to Brian and Becky's house to celebrate Riley's second birthday. I will forever remember the day she was born because it was also the day that we started remodeling the house. It started with a single scrape of the textured ceiling, and then I was committed ;)

Riley was SUPER cute (she always is). She's very petite and dainty, but she can be a little spitfire when she wants to be. She's super smart and I loved having her show me her things.

Becky made copycat chicken Qdoba bowls (lime/cilantro rice, chicken, beans, corn, salsa, homemade guacamole, sour cream... everything was SO good!). I fasted until dinner, and I was so glad that I did, because everything was delicious. I was actually too full for birthday cake--yes, it's true. Haha!

I love this picture of Riley and my dad!

Nathan (my younger brother) bought Riley a pink chainsaw. He had given one to Eli when Eli was turning 3 years old, and Eli loved it! Then he gave one to Luke, who also loved it. And apparently, he bought this pink one a couple of years ago and he's had it in his closet ever since--of course, Riley loved it! She loves "boy" things just as much as her girly unicorn things :)

I bought Riley a silly game called Toilet Trouble (Amazon affiliate link) that Becky said she'd love. Luke and Riley have a similar game called Flushin' Frenzy (Amazon affiliate link) where you roll a die that will give you a number 1-3, and then you have to push a plunger on a little plastic toilet that number of times. Eventually, someone will hit the magic number and when you press the plunger, a little turd pops out and flies at you. Hahaha! It's so ridiculous, but you can imagine that kids love it.

So, there is a similar game (which is what I bought Riley) where you put water in the little toilet bowl and then flush a certain number of times on your turn. Eventually, someone gets a spray of water right in the face. It was so cute watching the kids play, because they actually wanted to get sprayed, so they'd put their faces right up to the bowl, hoping that it would spray when they pushed the handle.

Where people come up with these ideas, I have no clue!

After dinner, I spent some time with Riley--she showed me their sandbox (which is like a mansion compared to the sandboxes that I remember as a kid!). Brian had to water the lawn, which requires a hose that is pretty much a firehose--it's enormous. There were a few spots where the water sprayed out, so Riley and I ran through the water. The water made lots of rainbows :)

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The documentary that Adam suggested I watch yesterday was called 'Overcoming Depression: Mind Over Marathon' on Amazon Prime. It's about 10 people with some sort of mental illness (mainly depression, anxiety, and PTSD) who train to run a marathon together. 

I am going to watch the second half of it tonight; last night, I actually fell asleep while watching! I was so cozy curled up on my couch under a blanket with my heating pad on my back. I felt like I blinked and then the second half of the documentary was halfway over. So, I'm going to watch it as soon as I'm done with this post.

So far, though, I really like it! It definitely helps describe what depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and/or PTSD feel like. I always hate trying to describe the feelings (I don't have PTSD, but I do know depression, anxiety, and panic disorder very well) because it makes me feel like I sound whiny. I know that I have a great life and "nothing to feel depressed about", so it's hard to describe to someone why I can't function like a "normal" person during a depressive episode.

It's kind of funny how I still love everything about running; except I am not a runner anymore. I still love to read about it, watch shows about it, talk about it, and even write running plans--I just don't actually *do* it anymore. Maybe I will again someday, but for now, I'm really enjoying the walking!

I'll write more about the documentary tomorrow after I've finished it.

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75 Hard: Round 2

Today marks Day 1 of 75 (again). 

I was doing great--yesterday was Day 32--and then last night, I decided to eat way outside of my intermittent fasting window. I wasn't even hungry! I knew what I was doing, but something just took control over me for a split second. It's kind of crazy how a single moment of weakness can make me choose to have to start a 75 day challenge all over again.

The main point of 75 Hard isn't just about working on the goals each day. It's having the discipline to do all of them every single day without fail--no exceptions, no excuses, no modifications. If you don't complete the checklist (even if it's just forgetting to take a progress photo one day!) then you have to start over again from Day 1.

(Here is my post about 75 Hard)

It was tempting to just pretend it didn't happen, but I knew I'd never be able to *honestly* say that I completed 75 Hard. And I didn't break just one of the "rules"--hahaha, I accidentally broke another later on! I saved my 10 pages of reading for before bed (I really need to do it in the mornings) and I fell asleep after reading only a page or two. I woke up at 3:00 AM with the light still on and my Kindle next to me.

So, between the unplanned late-night snack and the unintentional skipped reading, I have to start back at Day 1.

The funny thing is, I'm okay with that! I've really enjoyed doing this 75 Hard challenge, and I don't mind doing it longer. I didn't say, "Well, damn, I'll just start over on Monday" either. I woke up this morning, read 20 pages (to make up for the 10 I didn't read yesterday), took my progress photo, went for my walk, drank my water... all the same habits that I've been doing for the last month.

I got right back on track without missing a beat. I don't think I can say that I've EVER done that. That alone makes me feel like this challenge has helped make me stronger mentally. So, I'll still be writing about it, but just know that I'll be starting from Day 1 (today) and later on, I'll still compare things to my previous Day 1 start (out of curiosity).

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This morning, when I was walking with Joey, I got a text message and I looked down at my phone for a minute. When I looked back up, I saw a huge black snake just to my left on the dike in front of my neighbor's house! I'm not afraid of snakes, but it scared the bejesus out of me because I was so close to it I nearly stepped on it. It was just a (non-venomous) water snake, but I've never seen such a big one.

Joey and I watched it for a minute before I nudged it to turn around and go back over the dike. Things never end well for snakes, frogs, turtles, and other things that crawl over the dike and try to cross the road!

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We went to Brian and Becky's house for dinner to celebrate Riley's birthday--she's two years old and SO stinkin' cute! I'll write about that tomorrow, otherwise this post will be way too long.

While we were over there, Noah asked me if I felt the house move. I had no idea what he was talking about, but Brian and my dad had been outside talking and they felt the ground move and Brian even noticed the windows move a little. They'd stopped talking mid-sentence for a second because of the odd sensation, but didn't think anything of it.

Meanwhile, I was in the house getting Riley dressed into her pajamas. I didn't feel a thing. Jerry sent me a text from work asking if I'd felt anything, and I had no idea what he was talking about. It turns out that we actually had an earthquake! 

I think if I had been at home, I likely would have felt it--it originated just a few miles from my house. Brian's house is about 30 minutes away, but my family felt it there. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but I've never felt an earthquake before--we simply never have them here! 

Jerry sent me this text from work. Bahahaha!

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Anyway, I am going to watch a documentary that Adam told me about, so I'd better start it before it gets too late. If it's as good as he says, I'll write about it tomorrow. Have a great weekend!

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Hello Fresh (this is *NOT* an ad!)

I'm sure you've all heard of Hello Fresh--a company that delivers the ingredients and recipes for meals. I don't know much about it except for what I've heard on advertisements. This is not a sponsored post or an ad of any kind; my mom just gave me part of a kit, so I thought I'd mention it.

My mom's friend orders Hello Fresh (for a single woman, it actually makes a lot of sense). I've never bought into these meal programs because 1) I'm a stay-at-home mom, so I work the grocery shopping/cooking into my days, and 2) It's crazy expensive. 

Anyway, my mom's friend was able to send a free kit to a friend, so she sent it to my mom. My dad is... well, not the most open-minded person when it comes to trying new foods, so my mom shared with me. First, she made a recipe and brought over the leftovers (a LOT, because my dad didn't want it). She also gave me a four-person meal of beef tostadas.

The recipe that my mom made was AMAZING. As I ate it, I realized just how easy it would be to make on my own, so I'm going to buy the ingredients to do that. (I didn't think to take a picture, but trust me--it was delicious!)

Tonight, I made the tostadas. I actually wasn't impressed with the amount of time (and dishes) it took to make this recipe. With a meal kit, I'd hoped it'd be super fast and easy. It was easy, which is great for people who don't typically know how to cook, but it took a lot of dishes to prepare and the prep work was--well, more than I would typically like.

I made the kids do all the dishes after dinner. Hahaha ;) 

Aside from that, it tasted pretty good! I definitely liked the dish my mom made much better, but this one was good, too. I could recreate it, but it's not at the top of my priority list. Here are the cards that show the recipes, so you can see how the meal delivery system works. The ingredients shown are what are delivered with the recipe.

Here is the one that my mom made. It's called "Pork, Mushroom and Carrot Bibimbap". I've never heard the word "bibimbap" before. But just trust me that it tastes really good!

They send you all the ingredients, but nothing is prepped--so you have to do all the prep work yourself. To me, this wasn't helpful at all. Since I do the meal planning and grocery shopping, I will already have the ingredients on hand. However, for someone who doesn't have the time to meal plan or shop, this wouldn't be super convenient. On the bright side, it made a pretty large amount of food! (I used two kits' worth, so it was four servings.)

Anyway, the family liked it (although it was kind of greasy) but I don't think I'd get the ingredients to make it again. The Asian dish that my mom made, however, was SO GOOD that I'll definitely be buying the ingredients to make that again!

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This morning, Little Duck was cracking me up. He insisted on being in my "progress photo" for 75 Hard. He's grown quite a bit over the last month, so apparently, he wanted to show that off ;)

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During my morning walk, I took Joey to his favorite place... the access road that goes through the marsh across the street. I like going there because I can let him off of his leash and he LOVES running through the brush and into the marsh and bouncing all over the place. Right now, the path is the most overgrown I've ever seen it, however. I hope that someone mows it soon.

Anyway, here is Joey in all his glory:

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I finished up the shelves in the garage today! Yesterday, I finished building them and then I primed them. Today, I painted them. I used the same paint that I did on the walls, so it's not very exciting, but I didn't want to have to buy more paint unless necessary and they are going to be loaded with the junk in the garage, so does it really matter that they are the same gray color as the walls? 

I'm just really excited to have them done! Here is a before and after photo of the wall. The before is a true "before"--when I hadn't even started working on the insulation or drywall. It's taken from the same angle as the one from today. A huge difference, right?!

Tomorrow, I'm going to put things on the shelves and hopefully get the garage back to normal! I promised a couple of people that I'd make squirrel picnic tables for them, and I can't wait to have my tools back :)

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11 Years Ago, I Weighed 253 Pounds

I'm pretty sure I write about this every year on this day, but it's a significant day to me. Other than the birth of my children, this day in 2009 was probably the biggest game changer of my life. (My favorite post I've written on this anniversary date can be found here: Fed Up!)

It was on August 19, 2009 that I stepped on the scale and saw 253.0 pounds. It was my highest weight other than when I was pregnant with Eli (I got up to 271 when I was pregnant). On this day (it was a Wednesday, which is why I've always done my "official" weigh-ins on Wednesdays), I started counting Weight Watchers Points. 

I really had no idea that I was going to stick with it as long as I did. I had tried losing weight a trillion times before and I didn't think this time would be any different. 

There was one thing that I did differently this time around: I decided that I wasn't going to make any changes that I wasn't willing to do for the rest of my life. Note that I wrote "willing to"--not "can". Technically, I CAN make pretty much any change for the rest of my life--but I'm not willing to do a lot of those things. (I wrote a post about it here: The "Golden Rule" That Helped Me Lose 125 Pounds.)

Whenever I'd tried to lose weight before, I made dietary changes that I figured would be the fastest way to lose weight. I was only thinking in the short term; the long term plans weren't even an issue for me. And that is why I was never successful at losing the weight. 

This time around, 11 years ago, I decided I was only going to make changes that I was willing to do forever if that's what it took. My weight loss story is all over my blog, so I won't recap the whole thing here.

But I do like to think back to what it felt like to be 253 pounds. It was so long ago that I tend to forget why I wanted to lose the weight. Here are some things that I remember from before I lost the weight:

I wanted to be able to play with my kids rather than just sit and watch them play.

I wanted to be able to bend over and tie my shoes without having to hold my breath.

I hated that I always felt out of breath. I would cover the mouthpiece of my phone after answering so that the person on the other end couldn't hear my breathlessness.

I was always tugging at my shirt and adjusting my pants to try to hide the rolls of fat, especially in photos. And I would always use my kids or other people to shield me in photos in order to be as invisible as possible.

It's funny--in the pictures below, I actually tried to hide behind a couple of accessories. In my size 24 dress, I used a black sash to try to cover my stomach. And in the other picture, I wore a scarf to try to hide my double chin. Hahaha!

I wore Jerry's size 2XL work t-shirts all the time. I didn't have clothes that fit me because I hated shopping so much. I wore the same few pairs of pants (size 24W) and Jerry's shirts. And Crocs! Because I couldn't tie my shoes, I wore slip-on Crocs most of the time.

I couldn't wrap a bath towel all the way around my body. There was a huge gap in the front.

I wanted to wear cute lingerie so badly, but I didn't feel pretty or worthy enough to wear it. I remember buying my first teddy after losing the weight. I (and Jerry!) loved it ;)

I never felt pretty. I was told all the time that I had "such a pretty face" (why is that so cliché?) but I couldn't see it. If someone complimented me, I thought they were just saying it to be polite. I couldn't fathom the possibility that their compliment may have been sincere.

Some may find it surprising, but I wasn't lazy. I refused to fit that stereotype. I used to take the stairs in office buildings (even if it was several flights up). I parked far from the door in parking lots. I took my kids places like the zoo, where there was a lot of walking. I WANTED to be lazy, but I didn't want to fit that "fat" stereotype.

There are so many other things that I could write about from back then. I actually wrote a post called 100 Ways My Life Changed When I Lost 100 Pounds, and it describes a lot of these in detail.

My weight has gone up and down more times than I can count over the past 11 years, but I've managed to keep most of the weight off. My life is completely different in a lot of ways--I feel better, I look better, I'm healthier--but there are a lot of things that haven't changed much as well. I will always feel self-conscious of my size (even when I was wearing a size 2, I felt uncomfortable). I still don't *love* exercise. I still eat junk food. I still think about my weight way too much and put too much importance on it.

However, the positives far outweigh the negatives. And I need to remind myself every year that I am far better off now than I was before. When I remember how I felt on this day in 2009, I am grateful that I don't have to feel that way anymore. 

Whether I'm having up days or down days, I am always trying to improve myself and feel my best. I have so much to be grateful for, but I am always in pursuit of my happiest life :)

I wanted to post a good "after" photo here, but there never really IS an "after" in my story. There are so many ups and downs! So instead of choosing a photo based on my weight, I decided to choose a fairly recent photo from when I felt extremely good about myself. 

I put in MONTHS of blood, sweat, and tears (and lots of bruises) to remodel my home. I was SO proud of my entire DIY project and I couldn't believe how much I had done. Things I never could have imagined. I taught myself so much and I felt like I could do anything!

So, here is a photo to represent that. Wearing my ratty painting/work clothes standing in the kitchen that I had completely made over, I felt amazing. (Here is the page with all of my DIY projects that I did to makeover my house)

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Garage Shelves

I am so tired I can barely hold my head up right now--and it's only 8:15 PM! I had such a busy day. I hate to do another "no post" blog post, but I am hoping that I might actually be able to get in bed by 9:00 today.

Well, even 10:00 would be great.

Meanwhile, here is a picture of the shelves I'm building in the garage. I've run into several problems with them (mainly because of the concrete foundation wall) so they have been taking longer than I'd hoped. But I'm almost done. And Eli is going to help me paint them when they are done :)

I planned on using Ana White's plans, but because of the foundation wall and the fact that the front frame part of the plans was a total disaster, I had to improvise. Regardless, I love how they are turning out!

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75 Hard: Week 4 Recap (with progress photos)

Four weeks in! This is the longest I've stuck with anything I've set my mind to doing in a very long time. Other than writing a blog post every day (my new year's resolution), I am constantly making goals and then giving up on them after a few days at most. The fact that I'm on Day 29 of 75 is pretty miraculous!

Thank you for the kind comments on yesterday's post. Posting the anniversary photos was SO hard for me because I was so unhappy with how I looked. It did, however, give me the courage to finally post some of my 75 Hard "progress photos" today.

Nothing notable happened this week, so the recap isn't much different than usual.. but here goes:

Drink one gallon of water every day.

For some reason, I had a hard time with this one this week. I think it's because I've gone back to chewing ice throughout the day (I always prefer to chew ice over drinking water). When I first started 75 Hard, I made a rule for myself that I wouldn't chew ice until after I drank my full gallon of water every day. So, this week I'm going back to that rule.

Take a progress photo every day.

I'm still taking a mirror selfie every day. I'm so glad that I've been doing this, because I didn't see any progress on the scale for the first two weeks. However, I could see a big difference in my photos--a lot of people who do intermittent fasting will tell you that it took a while to start losing weight, but that they lost clothing sizes and inches as their body composition changed. I think that's what happened with me.

I have been dreading posting these pictures because they are incredibly unflattering and my "before" picture reminds me of my 253-pound "before" picture! I know that I'm nowhere near that weight, but I feel like I look that size in my Day 1 photo. Anyway, here are a few different comparisons...

First, here is a comparison from Day 1 to today (Day 29):

This comparison below is probably the most surprising to me. My weight was only down two pounds, but I can see a big difference in how my clothes fit:

In these pictures, I'm wearing the same shirt on Days 1, 6, and 24:

And again, same shirt below... only a two-pound difference!

So, while there aren't huge changes, I'm happy with the progress so far. (I'm also very happy to see that my hair is growing out! I miss my messy bun.) I'm really surprised at what a difference the intermittent fasting makes in changing my body composition. In the past, when I'd start a "diet"--counting calories, counting points, etc.--I would typically drop 6-8 pounds the first week. Water weight, of course, but it was still exciting to see such a big drop on the scale.

With intermittent fasting, however, my weight didn't BUDGE for two full weeks. But you can see from the photos that my body was changing. I'm so glad that 75 Hard has a mandatory "progress photo" every day.

Diet of choice + no alcohol.

Intermittent fasting gets easier and easier as I go. I don't really get hungry at all during the day, and I still don't feel ravenous when it is time to eat. I definitely eat a large meal when I break my fast, but I don't stuff myself in fear that I'm going to be hungry later. 

Breaking my fast anywhere between 3:00-5:00 is the norm lately, depending on what I'm doing. The only difficult part of the day for me is if I'm bored at night. I know that I'm not truly hungry; I just want to eat. So, I try to stay as busy as I can. I'm still working on trying to go to bed early, and it's getting better, but still not ideal.

Read 10 pages of a non-fiction/self-improvement type book.

I'm still reading David Goggins' book 'Can't Hurt Me'. Because I'm such a slow reader, I only read the minimum 10 pages per day. But I really absorb the words and I highlight things that speak to me. It's a fantastic book! I'd been bugging Jerry to read it for a long time, and he finally started it last week. He's glad he did, because he really likes it, too.

Work out 45 minutes twice a day (one must be outside).

Out of all the parts to doing 75 Hard, this one surprises me the most about how I've integrated it into my life and it doesn't feel like a "chore" (most of the time). I've really started enjoying my walks, especially in the morning. I discovered a route that is a pretty perfect 45 minutes long, and I've been doing that route daily. I know the scenery will get stale eventually, but right now, I've been seeing "regulars" out and about (people walking dogs, people on bikes, etc). 

One person I haven't seen in a very long time is Floyd. He was an elderly man that I would see walking every single morning--sunshine, rain, snow, ice, whatever--he was out there walking. We always exchanged a friendly "Good morning!" and then one time he asked me if I was training for something (back when I was marathon training). 

One day, I was running and saw him on his walk--I stopped and and asked him if I could walk with him and get to know him a little. So we chatted for a little bit. I learned his name, that he was divorced and lived alone, he was in his 80's, and that he walked every single day to stay healthy (I think he said five miles a day, but I could be wrong). Anyway, he was super nice! 

I haven't seen him at all lately, so I really hope that nothing happened to him. If I knew where he lived, I'd go check in!

Anyway, here are this week's stats for my two workouts a day:

I'm pretty happy with how Week 4 went, and I'm hoping that Week 5 will go well! :)

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