Today was a much-needed rest day, and I definitely rested. I woke up at 3:30 AM--and no, that's not a typo. I just couldn't sleep. I caught up on my e-mail and laundry. And then I was cleaning up the photo folders on my computer when I started looking through my folder of "before" pictures.
It's kind of strange how my mind works when I see those pictures. I see them and think that I still look like that; but I know that my body doesn't feel the same way. As I looked through the pictures, the one word that kept popping into my head was "breathless". I can remember very vividly how hard it was to breathe when I was 253 pounds.
I felt out-of-breath all the time. And I remember specific circumstances where I would try to hide the breathlessness. When the phone would ring, I would say "Hello?" and then I would turn the phone upside down so the mouthpiece was up near my forehead--because I didn't want my heavy breathing to be evident on the phone.
When I would go to the doctor's office, it was on the second floor. And I didn't want to fit the stereotype of a lazy, fat person by taking the elevator for just one floor (I'm not calling fat people lazy! I'm just talking about the stereotype), so I would take the stairs. Then at the top of the stairwell, I would stand for about 30 seconds to catch my breath before opening the door.
When I would tie my shoes, I had to literally hold my breath--because when I bent over, I couldn't inhale at all.
When having a conversation with someone, I would make sure I didn't talk in long sentences, because I would get out of breath and I was embarrassed about it. Every little thing I did made me breathless.
The only way I can really describe the constant breathlessness is like wearing a SUPER tight pair of jeans that have no give to them whatsoever. That tight, constricted feeling of discomfort is what I felt all the time.
I've showed the "before" pictures to Jerry, and he always just says, "I don't remember you looking like that! It's weird, I just see you how you are now and it seems like that's how you've always been."
I can remember what I was thinking in every single one of those pictures. And unfortunately, it wasn't about how much fun I was having or how happy I was. I was nervous about getting my picture taken, and I was trying to look as thin as a 253-pound woman can look.
Looking back at this pictures, I just hope that I never go back there. Not a day goes by that I don't worry about gaining back all this weight. Every time I overeat or eat for emotional reasons, I wonder if that is the starting point of gaining back the weight. Every time I want to skip a scheduled run, I remind myself that skipping that run would make it easier to skip another, and another... until I'm not longer a runner.
Anyways, I didn't intend for this to be a serious and somber post! I just wanted to share some pictures and talk about what it was like (for me) to be morbidly obese, although the breathlessness just barely brushes the surface of the subject.
Now, the only time I feel breathless is when I run really hard. I can run slowly and carry a conversation without feeling like I'm gasping for breath. I can run up a flight or two of stairs and not feel winded at all. I can bend over and tie my shoes while breathing--who would've thunk it?! ;)
And in this picture below, post-weight loss, I would love to say that I wasn't thinking about anything other than what a nice day it was, how happy I was in the moment... but I was honestly just trying to look as thin as a 135-pound person can look ;) I don't think I'll ever relax for a photo!
It makes me wonder if "naturally" thin women think the same way for
photos? If you've always been thin, do you do any tricks to try to look
thinner for photos, like sucking in? Or do you just relax and enjoy?
Well, my wine club meeting is tonight... I better go get ready!
I felt out-of-breath all the time. And I remember specific circumstances where I would try to hide the breathlessness. When the phone would ring, I would say "Hello?" and then I would turn the phone upside down so the mouthpiece was up near my forehead--because I didn't want my heavy breathing to be evident on the phone.
When I would tie my shoes, I had to literally hold my breath--because when I bent over, I couldn't inhale at all.
When having a conversation with someone, I would make sure I didn't talk in long sentences, because I would get out of breath and I was embarrassed about it. Every little thing I did made me breathless.
The only way I can really describe the constant breathlessness is like wearing a SUPER tight pair of jeans that have no give to them whatsoever. That tight, constricted feeling of discomfort is what I felt all the time.
I've showed the "before" pictures to Jerry, and he always just says, "I don't remember you looking like that! It's weird, I just see you how you are now and it seems like that's how you've always been."
We're total opposites in that way. I see myself now the same as when I was 253 pounds--but when I actually was 253 pounds, I thought I looked much smaller than I actually did. My mind is just really screwed up!
I realized that I don't have very many "before" photos on my blog, so that's why I'm posting a few for you to see. It seems like a lifetime ago, but it's only been 2 1/2 years since I started losing weight.
Now, the only time I feel breathless is when I run really hard. I can run slowly and carry a conversation without feeling like I'm gasping for breath. I can run up a flight or two of stairs and not feel winded at all. I can bend over and tie my shoes while breathing--who would've thunk it?! ;)
And in this picture below, post-weight loss, I would love to say that I wasn't thinking about anything other than what a nice day it was, how happy I was in the moment... but I was honestly just trying to look as thin as a 135-pound person can look ;) I don't think I'll ever relax for a photo!
Well, my wine club meeting is tonight... I better go get ready!
