November 16, 2020

Sometimes I Have Mental Freak Outs

I was up pretty late last night reading a book that I couldn't put down, and every so often, I checked my online medical chart to see of my COVID test results were available yet. Finally, at 2:00 AM, the results were posted!


So, no COVID for me! At least not yet. I was grateful to get the results before morning, because I wasn't sure about sending the kids to school. It was their last day before going to 100% online learning. I was thinking I'd keep them home, but I really didn't want to! Since my test was negative, I felt fine sending them to school.

It was interesting reading your comments on my last post--thank you for sharing your experiences! It shows that COVID affects everyone differently, which is kind of scary. You really have no idea how it's going to present. I'm glad that it seems to be fairly mild for most people.

I had a minor freakout today. I guess I should say mental health difficulty? Haha. I don't know what happened. I am just the person in the house that everyone dumps their problems on, and being an empath, I take it all to heart and I feel like everything negative that happens is my fault and I need to fix it.

I hate living that way! I wish Jerry could tell me that he had a bad day at work and I could just be "normal" and listen sympathetically, then do something nice for him to cheer him up. Instead, it eats at me and I question what I could have done to prevent it or maybe he regrets switching to nightshift (which he did because he knew that I preferred it).

If Eli orders something online and it arrives not as expected (story of his life), I feel horrible about that, too, even though it's not my fault. I just hate the feeling of him being disappointed and it upsets me so much. I want to do everything I can to fix it!

Today, Noah came home and told me that he couldn't fill up his car (with gas). We bought the car for $500, knowing that it might need some work--no big deal. Noah and my dad replaced several things on it and made sure it was very safe to drive. However, it's one thing after another that he comes home and tells me about.

The first time, it was that it just "stalled out" and he had to pull over. It turned out that he ran out of gas. It'd completely forgotten to tell him that the gas gauge was broken and he'd have to make sure to fill up before it gets to 1/2 tank. (My friend Adam sold it to him, so he explained it to me--I just forgot to tell Noah). 

The car is a 1989 LeBaron (super old!) but it only has 50,000 miles on it. We put about $800 into it after he bought it, so it was still cheap for a first car. But I worry so much about something going wrong. The other day he told me that he almost got rear-ended by a semi-truck because he couldn't accelerate fast enough while getting on the expressway!

Naturally, that would freak out any mother.

However, I remember I couldn't drive my first car on the expressway for the same reason. I had to take the back roads, which was fine. But I still feel like it's my fault for the problems with the car because I am the one who told Noah it was a good deal. 

ANYWAYS, back to today. He came home and told me that he tried to fill up his car, but the gas pump shut off each time I pushed the lever. I told him it was probably full, but he seemed adamant that it wasn't. (Later, Jerry took his car to the gas station and had no problem with it, so who knows?)

I kind of lost it and just started telling Jerry (well, kind of yelling, I guess!) that we should get rid of Noah's car and he can have the Patriot (Jerry's car) and Jerry can have my Renegade. I can get by without a car. He kept insisting no, it was fine, but I still felt bad about the whole thing and was catastrophizing the issue with Noah's car. I could feel myself acting how I did before I started my bipolar meds and it scared me. 

I told Jerry that I was going out for little while. I just felt bad about several things in my life right now and I wanted to get away.

I turned my phone to "do not disturb" mode and then cranked up the volume on my 90's playlist in the car and drove down to Toledo. I had ordered a couple of things as gifts from Dick's Sporting Goods and I had to pick those up. I did the curbside pickup, which was nice--I just texted them when I got there and someone brought it out to me!

After that, I decided to look up thrift stores nearby so that I could get some warm pants to walk in when it's cold in the morning. I found a Goodwill store but I didn't have much luck there--I only bought two pairs of pants and they ended up being too small :(  I did buy a couple of other things, though:

My favorite purchase was actually the five board games I bought! I'll have to go look at them and post about them later (I'm comfy in my bedroom now) but I've been wanting to get some new board games for my family to play. Coincidentally, I just asked on Facebook this morning about game recommendations. Most of the games we currently have are for larger groups of people. 

If you have suggestions, please let me know! Lots of people on Facebook suggested "Ticket to Ride". I looked on Amazon and there are so many different versions! It also looks like we need to know a lot about geography?? (We--or at last I--don't!) But correct me if I'm wrong. I'd like to try one of the versions--just have to figure out which one :)

Here are games we have currently (minus the ones I just bought today):

After I left Goodwill, I stopped to buy a shipping box for the gift and a birthday card. On the way home, I thought about Jerry and that I should stop and one of his favorite beers--Yuengling--that he can't buy in Michigan. So I stopped at the last exit from the expressway in Ohio and bought him a case of it.

By the time I got back home, I was in a much better mood. 

While I didn't totally freak out today, like I have so many times in the past I could feel myself getting there. I didn't want to (I like to think that I've gotten past that) so I chose to take a drive by myself--and it helped.

It may not sound like much of a victory, but I am glad that I stopped myself before having a meltdown. When I'm feeling overwhelmed, it's really hard not to completely panic and feel like I'm losing it. As far as mental health goes, I like to think I'm making strides ;)

21 comments:

  1. Hi Katie! I have played the Europe, America and Africa versions of Ticket to Ride and the Europe one is by FAR the best. You don't need to know geography - just how to follow a map! Hope you enjoy it.

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    1. Thanks for the feedback! I ended up ordering the original one because it was half off at Target today--and since it's such an expensive game, I was thrilled at the sale! But if we like it, I'll try the Europe one next :)

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  2. I don’t know if you are into card games but my teens love Dutch blitz. Everyone plays at the same time to build up cards from one to ten. It can be found on Amazon.

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    1. I LOVE card games! I've never heard of Dutch Blitz--I'm going to check it out on Amazon right now! :)

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    2. I agree about Dutch Blitz! Such a fun game! And if you get the expansion pack you can have up to 8 players.

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  3. Our family loves Ticket to Ride. We have several versions, the main version, Europe, and New York. I would start with the main one. You don't need to know geography. There are some in our family who are geographically challenged:) Target has it onsale right now for 50%off through tomorrow.

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    1. Thanks so much for the tip about Target! I just ordered it. I can't believe what an expensive game it is! If we like it, I'll probably be buying other versions ;)

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  4. Ticket to Ride is a great game, no geography required! I’d start with the US map, you’ll typically be playing with at least 3. Some of the other maps are better for smaller groups (2-3). It’s easy to learn and lots of fun.

    My other favorites are Wingspan, Takenodo, and Parks. These three all have some strategy and some luck (I personally don’t like 100% strategy games), and as a bonus they’re also beautiful to look at.

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    1. I was thrilled that someone shared that the original one is on sale for half off at Target today! I just ordered it. Thanks for the feedback.

      I love strategy games! But you're right, some luck is nice, too ;) I'm going to check those out, too!

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  5. We have two different versions of Ticket to Ride (the original, and London). You do not need to know any geography to play! The boards are just maps of whichever location you buy, and you collect cards in order to claim routes between cities/destinations/whatever. The cities are clearly labeled on the map so no one expects you to just know where they are.

    (Some of the boards are smaller than others. We got the London version because it's smaller and a faster game, which I was hoping would appeal to my 8-year-old, and it was on clearance at the time.)

    Have you ever tried the game Pandemic? It's complicated at first, but once you get the hang of it, it's fun! It's cooperative, so everyone is working together to cure viruses and stop outbreaks. We've played it a lot during the current pandemic, lol.

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    1. Thanks for the feedback--it's nice to know that I don't have to be an expert at geography to play ;)

      I just looked at the Pandemic game, too, and added it to my wish list. I done remember games being this expensive when I was a kid! Haha

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  6. we have Ticket to Ride and I'm not very good with geopgraphy and can play it. It shows you on the board that you have to go from point A to B and is marked where the cities are. You just find them on the board. Here is a link to the one we have. It shows pictures of the board part. https://www.target.com/p/ticket-to-ride-board-game/-/A-14204015?ref=tgt_adv_XS000000&AFID=google_pla_df&fndsrc=tgtao&DFA=71700000012544494&CPNG=PLA_Toys%2BShopping&adgroup=SC_Toys&LID=700000001170770pgs&LNM=PRODUCT_GROUP&network=g&device=c&location=9024929&targetid=pla-475198084042&ds_rl=1246978&ds_rl=1248099&gclid=Cj0KCQiAhs79BRD0ARIsAC6XpaUl-IFXE09mGZRIyfMz0jvgdnSFjYnpGhQ8OcUchGdbuK7Yu6tVd_0aAkSjEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

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    1. It looks fun! I'm excited to try it. I just ordered it from Target--it's half off today--woo hoo! :) I was about to order it on Amazon for full-price.

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    2. I hope you like it. We play it when the boys come home for the holidays.

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  7. This may or may not help Noah but I have a similar problem with my car. There is a sensor in the nosel of the gas pump that does not really let you over fill the tank which is what turns it off. I have found that i have better luck at some pumps/stations than others with the same issue that Noah described. If you pull the pump put of the gas tank by like 1/2" to an inch it should do the trick. It is something about the pressure of the gas coming out and splashing that sensor so if you pull it out a little bit it won't splash it and you can fill up as normal. And it will still shut off when actually full.

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    1. Yes! This!! I was coming here to say the same thing. It's like the nozzle chokes up the air flow, so have him pull it out the 1/2 inch, and it will flow. :) I had the same thing happen to me when I was in my early 20's.

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  8. First, hurrah no COVID! And I'm so sorry you struggled, but I relate so much and appreciate your honesty. It's what brings me back to your blog again and again. So much humanity. Such a big heart. So vulnerable. Glad you figured out a way to work through it.

    Also, have you played Apples to Apples? It's a favorite of ours. Pretty sure it can be played with 4 people. It's an older game, but we don't tire of it.

    Thanks again for being you and sharing the real you with us!

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    1. We love Apples to Apples! It's more fun when you have at least 6 or so people, but we've played it with the four of us before.

      Thank you for the kind words <3

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  9. I love Yuengleng. My favorite beer!

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    1. It's definitely one of Jerry's--he gets so excited when we go into Ohio!

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  10. Glad you're COVID-free, Katie! And I totally get what you mean about taking on everybody else's problems. It's what finally got me to go to therapy because I felt like all I did was fix things and play cheerleader all the time. Although it sounds like you get lots of support from your guys, I didn't feel like anybody was paying attention to my problems at all, and I didn't want to have to ask for attention. It was just a vicious cycle. When I started with my therapist, (whom I adore!) she said we should give it a try for 7 months, and 6 years later, I'm still going. I still have that knee-jerk reaction that I have to fix everything, but I'm definitely getting better! I feel for you and hope that things ease up on you soon!

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I used to publish ALL comments (even the mean ones) but I recently chose not to publish those. I always welcome constructive comments/criticism, but there is no need for unnecessary rudeness/hate. But please--I love reading what you have to say! (This comment form is super finicky, so I apologize if you're unable to comment)

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