Wednesday Weigh-In: Week 68 (and an announcement)

I hadn't take a picture yet today, and Jerry and I were working on the bathroom, so he took this one for my post. Today is his birthday, by the way! He's 42. 

I don't even know where to start with this post! I've been going back and forth in my head about it for a few weeks now, and today I decided it's time. (I'm truly not trying to make this sound like a drumroll or something...)

As I've mentioned way too often, I've been super overwhelmed lately. It's one thing after another after another that has been going wrong and/or stressing me out. I finally feel like I've reached a breaking point. I keep thinking that I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up a year later.

I love writing lists (I seriously have notebooks full of lists of all sorts) and today I wrote out a full "to-do" list of the things that I have to get done in a relatively timely manner. It took up two full sheets of notebook paper! I feel like I'm drowning and I'm never going to catch up on everything. I've felt so intensely overwhelmed that it's affecting my health. 

I like to use the word overwhelmed instead of "stressed" because it feels more applicable in this situation. I haven't been able to sleep (nothing new there, but it's gotten worse), I've been crying daily--and for once, it's not from being sad or depressed--just exhausted, I've been snapping at my family for no reason, and I've even lost my appetite.

I have never, in my life, felt worried about losing too much weight. I've certainly never tried to gain weight. This week, I added some high-calorie foods to my diet--like adding a big scoop of peanut butter to my oatmeal, or marinating tofu with oil, adding tortilla chips to black bean soup, etc.

But I'm still losing weight. Today? I was actually in the 120s:

I never ever thought I'd see the 120s again! My lowest weight was 121, but that's when I was training so hard for my goal 10K race. I wish I could be excited about it hitting the 120s (and I guess I am in a way), but I know that it's because of feeling so overwhelmed that I'm not eating enough. Last week, I was at 132.4, so I lost over three pounds this week. At the weight I am now, three pounds is a LOT to lose in a week; I've lost about 10 pounds in a month. If I wasn't feeling so overwhelmed, I'd be pretty thrilled!

However, my clothes are all too big and I don't want to buy smaller ones because I feel like I'll gain some weight when my to-do list gets smaller. But who knows? Maybe it's just the vegan diet that is making me continue to lose weight.

Anyway, as for my announcement: I've made a decision today that makes me feel a little nervous about, but like I said, I've been debating it for a few weeks now: I'm going to take a full week off of blogging. I need to eliminate as many things on my list as I can, and since my blog isn't completely necessary, I feel like it's a good start.

Since I've been on a blogging streak for nearly three years now of blogging every day, I really don't want to break that streak. So, I decided to just post a photo a day--no words, just a picture. I'll call the posts "Wordless Week: Day 1", etc., so you can skip over them if you're not interested.

Even though it may seem like a blog post doesn't take much time, I overthink everything and make it take much longer than it probably should. I'd like to use every moment I have to work on knocking things off of my to-do list (including catching up on my email, so if you've written me in the past six months or so, I probably still haven't responded--and I'm SO sorry).

At my therapy session yesterday, we talked about how I don't like to ask for help--ever. I always feel bad asking people for help with things and that's part of the reason I feel overwhelmed. It's something I need to work on.

I hate to start my week off from blogging with a post like this, but my Wednesday Weigh-In posts are my most popular ones, so I figured I could reach the most people. I'll be back to normal (well, my posts will anyways!) next Wednesday.

Until then, I'll share a picture each day that will hopefully be somewhat interesting (perhaps something on my list that I've been working on). 

Thanks for understanding, Friends! xoxo

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Transformation Tuesday: The Final Chapter

Well, Friends, I'm sad to say that this is going to be the final Transformation Tuesday. I have always loved these posts, but I haven't been getting submission for them and honestly, it stresses me out if I don't know whether I'll have a post to write. I always liked Tuesdays because I could prepare some of it in advance, making it easier to finish up later in the day. On Monday nights, if I don't have any submissions, then I feel stressed to get a post done. (I know, I'm the one that is putting the pressure on myself; I can't help it! It's who I am.)

It has been so fantastic seeing all of the fun transformations you've shared! I appreciate each and every one. I'd like to try to come up with a new theme for Tuesdays (having a theme is super helpful to me in planning ahead). I've always loved the idea of doing a "reader email" post, where people share anything at all--cool thrift finds, tips for anything all/life hacks, crafts or projects they've made, fun news to share--getting married, buying a house, a job promotion, adopting a baby, etc.. But that still relies on, well, reader email! ;) 

So, I'll try and come up with something to do on Tuesdays. But in the meantime, I have one final transformation to share with you from a reader named Jenny. And it's a jaw-dropping transformation!

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A few months ago, my shower stopped draining, followed quickly by the toilet no longer flushing. After several plumbers and sewer made visits, everything was draining properly again. HOWEVER, the floor of the shower was torn out in order to access the pipes that were causing all of the issues. So…new bathroom! I’ve always wanted a white bathroom. It feels so light and clean compared to the formerly popular beige phase. 

-Jenny 

Jenny, your bathroom is STUNNING--and so modern! I especially like the gray tiles in the shower. Seeing how great your bathroom looks now gives me a little hope that someday, my bathroom will be finished. Yours is a great inspiration to not give up hope yet, hahaha. I'm so glad you were able to get your white bathroom :)  -Katie

---

Well, this is a sad moment for me, but perhaps someday Transformation Tuesday will be a thing again. It's been fun! (And if you have other ideas for Tuesday posts, please share--I'm wide open to suggestions)

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Three Weeks Into Cross Country

I'm feeling much better after writing yesterday's post! Usually I don't like to write things when I'm very emotional at the time--whether it's angry or sad or annoyed, etc--because I usually regret it later. But I wasn't bashing Panera, and I just described the experience (the one that made me angry). I sent them the link, and I doubt anyone will read it, but I feel okay with it being out there.

I had a MUCH NEEDED good night's sleep last night. I was so sleep deprived last week that I thought I was completely losing my mind. It wasn't from being too busy to sleep, but just chronic insomnia that gets really bad sometimes. My body gets so tired but my mind stays wide awake. It's frustrating.

I've been so busy lately that it feels hard to even stop and catch my breath for a minute (figuratively). Thankfully, even though cross country adds a lot to my plate, it's something that I really enjoy. It's a nice respite a few days a week. Usually, I feel stressed about getting everything done and then having to go to cross country, but once I'm at practice, there isn't a single moment to stress or worry about anything. And I have so much fun at practices!

This was just a few moments after starting a six-legged race. We had to start over, haha.

I keep meaning to take a team photo of the kids with some of the goodies they've earned at practice and I never remember until practice is done and the kids have left. But they have loved the incentives! I don't have a structure in place as far as how they can earn the rewards--I did that before and it was way too complicated (tallying points for doing this and that, then spending points like money for awards).

Instead, Renee and I have just been making it up as we go along. We received a lot of items (thank you so much!!!) so we've been generous with them. Some ways we've used them as incentives:

-Leading the warm-up stretches
-Winning whatever game we play after practice
-If we notice kids who are working really hard to do what we ask
-If they complete the workout we set for them
-Going above and beyond in certain situations

Thursday was our long run day, so I looked at each kid's progress so far and set a personalized distance goal for them to hit on long run day. They run laps around the park, which is 0.33 miles around. I have rubber bands that I use to set goals for them--each rubber band represents one lap. So if I want someone to run two miles, I'll give them six rubber bands to start (they wear them around their wrists). Then each time they finish one lap, they drop a rubber band in a bucket as they pass by.

These girls saw me taking a picture and they stopped to pose--I yelled, "No, keep running!"

I always make sure keep their goals reasonable, but also push them out of their comfort zones. If their runs always feel comfortable, they're not going to become better runners. (Unless it's an easy run day, then they should be running comfortably.)

This girl is really sweet, and when I was walking back to the pavilion, I saw her showing her little sister how to run with her. It was so cute!

The absolute hardest part about this is that kids don't know how to pace themselves. They feel like they are racing the other kids (even during the warm-up) and after one lap, they complain that it's too hard and they start walking whenever they think I'm not looking, hahaha. Well, they don't know that I totally have eyes in the back of my head!

Coming around this bend is where the kids can see me watching, so they pick up the pace. The girl in back is impressive to me--she's very quiet and usually runs solo, but she always follows instructions and I never hear her complain.

There is one small blindspot where the path goes around a hill, and the kids are notorious for walking as soon as they are out of sight. So at Thursday's practice, I went to the hill to yell at them to keep running. (When I say I yell, I'm not yelling in a mean way--just a tough way.) If they're walking during a long run day, then they aren't running slowly enough, so I tell them to slow down.

Each time I saw them start to walk, I jogged next to them and told them to keep pace with me--not pass me--and get a feel for a very slow pace. If they do that the entire time, there is no reason they should have to take breaks.

So I had the idea today that for their next long run, we could possibly meet at the state park and split the team in two. The faster kids can run with Renee, and the slower kids can run with me. I will make them stay at a slow pace with the goal being not having to take any walk breaks.

I am 100% sure they are all capable of doing that, if they learn to pace themselves. It's a hard thing to teach, and usually comes with experience. (I'm sure they'll learn this at their first race a week from tomorrow!) In a race, pacing is EVERYTHING.

I remember a practice at cross country in 2019 where I told the kids that anyone who could run longer than I did would get an award. I was slow and pretty out of shape at the time, but I knew that if I ran slowly enough, I could run for the whole practice without stopping or walking. And I was determined to show them that it's possible.

The kids were so determined to run longer than me! It was funny. Eventually, the whole team was running with me (I felt like Forrest Gump) and if I remember correctly, they all made it--because I was going slowly.

This was a GREAT group of kids. I miss them!

I think that was an "aha!" moment for a lot of them. They realized that they were definitely capable of running much farther than they thought if they just slowed down.

When I showed the kids the awards they could earn this season, I had just one tutu and one of the boys wanted it SO BADLY. It was all he talked about. At each practice, he asked if he could earn it that day. Since I only had one, I told him no, that it'll be something that will take more effort to earn (reaching a particular cumulative mileage, for example).

I hadn't planned to give it out yet, but on Thursday, he was the only kid I saw that didn't take a single walk break. Every time he passed by me, he was in high spirits and kept pushing along. I was so proud of him! On his last lap, I asked him if he was going to stop when he hit his goal (2 miles) or if he was going aim for a little more. He said he was definitely going to stop. Then I said, "I *might* have a tutu in my car--" and he cut me off mid-sentence with, "I'm going to run extra!" and he went on to run two extra laps.

When each kid finished their laps (having no rubber bands left on their wrists), they got to choose something from the "award bag" (items that I have a lot of). I announced that there was one person who really worked harder than anyone else so I was going to give them something special. I grabbed the tutu from the car and I can't even tell you how excited he was to wear it! He said he's going to wear it to every practice. He definitely earned it :)

And as I finish this post, I've got to get ready to head out the door for cross country. Today is a short easy run followed by some "games" on the hill. I put that in quotes because the hill games are much more for building leg strength than play ;)  They will be WIPED after today's practice!

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Sad Avocado

I was planning to write about cross country today, but I just got home from taking Luke and Riley (my nephew and niece) to Barnes & Noble and Panera for Riley's birthday. I am fuming about our experience at Panera, and they only allow 750 characters on their website form, so I'm just going to write about it here and give them the link, I guess!

This may label me as a "Karen" for complaining, but I can't imagine anyone would be okay with this experience.

I have always loved Panera. Before the pandemic and lockdown and all that, I would frequently meet friends there for lunch or pick up bread bowls for chili at home--stuff like that. I can't ever remember having a bad experience at Panera! Until today. It was so bad that I will likely never go back.

(I do want to say that I plastered a smile on my face anyway, because I didn't want it to affect the fun Jerry, Noah, and I planned to have with Luke and Riley. And we did! Barnes & Noble is amazing--I almost wish I was a kid again because of all of the cool educational toys and books they have.)

We weren't sure 100% sure where we were going to have lunch, so I asked Riley what she would like. She said she either wanted a grilled cheese or macaroni and cheese. Well, Panera happens to have a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich on their kids menu--perfect! I knew they had four bagels on their menu that are vegan, so I figured I would get a plain bagel and add a few slices of avocado on the side, so I could use that as a spread (they don't have vegan spreads).

This location had kiosks for taking orders when you walk inside, which was actually convenient so that the kids could look at the screen and make their choices. (Luke chose a salad--I'd never met a kid that would choose salad over mac and cheese! So cute.) There wasn't a way to add a side of avocado on there, so I just made a note next to it that if possible, could I please have a couple of slices of avocado? I hoped they'd let me have some--but I would have been fine with it if they told me no. I would have just eaten it plain.

I finished the order, adding a 20% tip like I always do for food service--which I think was generous, considering that you place your own order at the kiosk, pick up your own food from the counter, and bus your own table). We went to the table to wait for my name to be called. 

This smile is definitely genuine, although I don't remember why I was laughing.

Riley wanted me to sit between her and Luke (she's so sweet!), so I was trapped in the booth and Jerry went to the counter to get the food. We were right on the other side of a partition, and I could hear the manager tell him that they didn't have any plain bagels. Okay, no problem--there are three other bagels that are vegan, so I just said any vegan bagel is good. The woman at the counter said she didn't know if they had anything that was vegan.

I have worked in several restaurants, and I was always told to say, "I'm so sorry, but I don't know the answer to that. Let me find out for you!" and I would do my best to find the answer. However, this woman was the manager--I don't want to post the name that's on the receipt because she may have been using the register under another employee's name--and she just left it at "I don't know."

I didn't want to make a big deal about it because we were only there for the kids anyway. I just said okay, then I don't need it, no big deal. (I had already paid for it, but it was only a bagel--I think they're a dollar. Still, she didn't offer to refund my money or substitute anything else. A piece of a baguette would have been fine with me at that point!)

But I was curious, so I googled the answer about vegan bagels myself. Jerry then asked if they had any of those (blueberry, everything, and sesame, if you're wondering). She said they had an everything bagel. Cool--I'll have that. Is there any chance I could get a side of avocado? (I told Jerry if she said no, it was fine). Then I started chatting with the kids and helping them with their food (opening chocolate milk, utensils, etc). 

Jerry had only ordered coffee (they were out of bread bowls, which is what he'd wanted), so he got his coffee and waited for them to slice and toast my bagel. It took 10 minutes or so--their toaster must be very slow, because there were only a handful of customers in the restaurant. Just look at the picture above! He came back with the bagel and a very sad piece of avocado. We actually all started laughing about it because the avocado looked, well, SAD in that huge cup. See?

As we were sitting there eating and chatting, Jerry got the funniest look on his face and then started to spit into a napkin. He'd gotten down to the bottom of his cup of coffee, and it was loaded with coffee grounds. Gross. But again, stuff like that happens, no biggie--just rinse out the cup and get some fresh coffee (it's self-serve, so he could just pick a different one).

At this point, I felt terrible for choosing Panera--it isn't cheap (which I knew, but their food is usually worth it) and I was mad that I'd given a 20% tip for what... the manager to tell me she doesn't know if any bagels are vegan? To not be offered a refund or substitution for the bagel I ordered and they didn't have? For Jerry's coffee having grounds in it? Jerry, Noah, and I kept giving each other this look--the "holy cow, is this for real?" look that was a combination of disbelief, humor, and are you kidding me?!

When we were done, we bussed our table and left. We went to Barnes & Noble and I'd all-but forgotten about the Panera issues. The kids had fun picking out a gift (we've done this a few times now for their birthdays) and they were excited to get home and show their parents what they chose.

We drove them home and then we talked about the ridiculous Panera experience. Jerry said it made him never want to go to Panera--any Panera--again. I feel the same way right now. Noah agreed. Jerry was still picking coffee grounds out of his teeth, hahaha.

I thought it would just make for a "Remember that really sad piece of avocado you got at Panera one time?!" story--something to laugh about.

Until we got home and Jerry handed me a receipt--I didn't know it at the time, but they'd charged him $1.69 for that sorry piece of avocado! I *never* would have paid for that if I'd known. Not just because they charged so much for it--if it had been an option on the kiosk, I would have paid for a side of avocado slices--but because I thought they'd given it to him as a "I'm sorry for the bagel issue, but here--take the sad part of this leftover avocado for your inconvenience" thing.

I hadn't planned to write about this whole issue--I've had lots of bad restaurant experiences over the years and haven't written about it on my blog or emailed the company or anything like that. But when Jerry gave me that receipt, I kind of lost it! He and Noah were both laughing at my (over?)reaction. I wished I didn't even know that Jerry paid for the avocado--it just fired me up and I grabbed my computer to write the company.

Wait a second. In 750 characters...?

Hahaha! When I'm super fired up like that, I don't feel better until I do something about it. Even if nobody responds to my complaint, I feel better already for having written it. Noah told me that I'd be called a "Karen" for complaining, but for this I can't help it! I think my complaint is legit. If the manager had been at all friendly or helpful, I wouldn't have felt the need. 

And now, I can let it go. Peacefully. Laugh about it. Maybe learn to make my own damn bagels. And stop writing such long posts about a bagel and avocado! (-6,783 characters remaining)

(Yes, I actually copy and pasted this into a word document to find out how many characters I used, hahaha. Passive aggression is a vice of mine.)

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VEGAN RECIPE REVIEW: Chocolate Pudding

When I became vegan in January, I had no idea the world of foods out there that I would soon be eating. The recipes that I'd be trying. The ingredients that would become staples in my kitchen. The most surprising to me was tofu--I always thought of it as "weird vegetarian food". I'm open to trying anything, and it almost felt like a vegan rite of passage that I give tofu a try!

I didn't know there were so many different types of tofu or that it was so versatile. It was the lemon pepper tofu that made me fall in love with the ingredient, and wanting to try more more more. After making that, I couldn't understand how it would be used in a dessert--the texture just didn't seem dessert-like.

Then I was enlightened to the fact that silken tofu has a completely different texture than the extra-firm tofu blocks I'd been buying and pressing. So, I bought some silken tofu on Amazon. The main difference, other than the texture, is that silken tofu has a long shelf-life and you can keep it in your pantry for months. That sounded very convenient to have on hand.

However, once it arrived (12 packages of it!), I put it in my pantry and it sat there for probably the last two months. I just wasn't sure what to do with it. I knew that at some point, I wanted to try making a tofu scramble (similar to scrambled eggs) because it just seemed unbelievable to me and I thought there was no way it could taste good. I like proving myself wrong when making assumptions. Also, I noticed that a lot of vegan desserts call for silken tofu.

Today was the day I finally decided to pick a couple of recipes and give it a try. I chose a savory recipe (tofu scramble) and a dessert (chocolate pudding). I'll write about the scramble next week because I was excited to post this one--to spoil the ending, I have to say that I am blown away by this chocolate pudding! It's SO good.

First, a note about the texture of silken tofu: I had a hard time coming up with a food to describe the texture of silken tofu; the closest thing I can think of would be a hard boiled egg white. A lot more jiggly than the pressed tofu I was used to. There are different firmnesses; I chose the extra firm silken tofu just because I thought the texture would be more appealing than really soft stuff. (I also choose extra firm regular tofu)

When looking at recipes, I really don't like it when the recipe says something like, "You would never know that this is tofu and not chicken!" Because, well, I *do* know. It's not the same. It's certainly delicious (many times), but I'm happy to eat "orange tofu" instead of "vegan orange chicken"--even though it's the same recipe and those are just buzzwords, I'm not going to tell someone that you would never be able to tell the difference between chicken and tofu. No matter how it's cooked. (But feel free to prove me wrong!)

However. I'm making this bold statement after trying this chocolate pudding: If I didn't tell you that this pudding was made out of silken tofu, you probably would have no idea it was any different from pudding made with cow's milk. Yes, I am stating that--but feel free to tell me if I'm wrong after you've tried it ;) 

The craziest thing is that it only has four ingredients (not including a little water). You don't have to cook anything and it takes less than three minutes to prepare.

The recipe I followed was for Vegan Chocolate Pudding (or Whipped Silken Tofu) from Traditional Plant Based Cooking. There are a lot of recipes out there that are very similar, though--this was just one of the first ones I found. (I'll link to it again at the end of the post)

The ingredients: silken tofu, cocoa powder, maple syrup, and vanilla extract. (Plus a couple of tablespoons of water)

The "cooking" process? Just put all the ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth (scraping down the sides of the blender as needed to make sure it's very smooth).

Boom--done. Chocolate pudding that tastes a million times better than the packaged stuff and definitely rivals homemade chocolate pudding made with cow's milk. (I added some vegan chocolate chips on top so it didn't look so plain)

The recipe says to refrigerate for an hour, but I ate some right away to taste it before putting it in the fridge. I couldn't believe how good it was! I really wanted Eli to try it, because he's the one in the family that is very resistant to "weird" ingredients like tofu.

Noah has been very open to trying vegan recipes and he frequently chooses to eat vegan food versus animal-based products now. Just yesterday, we made homemade personal pizzas and Jerry and I topped ours with some caramelized onions and fried tofu. Noah chose to do that with his pizza too, rather than the pepperoni and cheese that Eli put on his own.

The cocoa powder that I used was Dutch processed dark chocolate powder (I'm not sure if the regular kind would taste the same; the recipe didn't specify what kind to use). Noah loves dark chocolate, and when I gave him a spoonful of the pudding to try, he said, "Wow, that's REALLY good! What's in it?" And when I told him that it's made out of tofu, he was completely stunned.

Eli has never been a fan of dark chocolate, but said he'd try the pudding anyway (I love my kids!). He didn't ask what was in it, and I was glad because I wanted his honest opinion before I told him it was tofu. He said that it was good, but he would like it better if it wasn't dark chocolate. His face was so funny when I told him it was tofu--he was in disbelief.

And Jerry? Same reaction. He *loves* tofu but he said he never would have guessed the pudding was made with it. All four of us agreed that we would never know the difference between it and pudding made with cow's milk.

This is absolutely going to be a go-to when I'm craving something sweet and chocolatey but I don't want to bake (haha, I never want to bake!).

I made a tofu scramble for lunch today, and I'll save my thoughts on that for next week :)

Again, here is a link to the recipe for this chocolate pudding: Vegan Chocolate Pudding (or Whipped Silken Tofu) from Traditional Plant Based Cooking

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Friday Night Photos #83

I think this is probably going to be the shortest Friday Night Photos I've ever done. I had no idea just how few photos I took this week!

This may look like an ordinary picture of a dusty pile of shoes at first glance, but look carefully at the bottom shelf.

When Jerry told me to come look at Duck, I didn't know what he was talking about. With his eyes closed, he was completely camouflaged. Jerry, the kids, and I were all crowded around looking at him in disbelief, hahaha.

I've mentioned several times that I am totally accident-prone and clumsy. I'm never without cuts and bruises and scrapes in all stages of healing. That doesn't make for pretty legs when I'm working on the flooring and ladder and doing drywall and all of that. Still, I was a bit shocked when I saw how bruised my shins were! Most of it is from climbing the ladder and resting my shins against the rungs. 

Eli has been really into golfing lately, and one day, he brought home ALL OF THESE golfballs... that he found on the course! He was really excited because there were several balls in there that cost $5-6 each. He spent a lot of time scrubbing them to sell the good ones; with the others, he's just been hitting them off the beach as far as he can. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw how many he found. 

This is another hidden picture illusion... do you see it?

A few days prior, I realized that my nose ring was gone. I never take it out and I was super bummed to have lost it. I had no idea where I could even start looking. So I just put in a different one and forgot about it. Then a few days later, I was making the bed and I felt something under my hand--I was so surprised to see that it was my nose ring! The odds of finding it were next to nothing.

This was just before starting the six-legged race at cross country practice. I'm thinking Sundays will be a good time to write about cross country, so I'll save the rest for then, but this was so funny to watch. The race ended up being very short because, well, it wasn't exactly easy! (and yes, the parents gave me permission to post photos)

A behind (no pun intended) the scene look when Jerry was going to take my goal weight picture on Wednesday. The dike is MUCH steeper than it looks and climbing up is difficult...

...but getting down basically involves sliding down on your butt, or else you'll totally biff it into the concrete. Jerry was hoping for the latter, so he could get pictures ;) 

I was creeping so slowly through the bedroom to get this picture of Chick--I didn't want to wake him--because he was sleeping in such an awkward position. He was completely face-planted on the bed. I always find him sleeping in the weirdest postitions!

This. 100%.

Today's random trivia was interesting:

I saved my favorite for last. Noah was going to take Joey for a walk and as he was getting ready to head out the door, he asked if I wanted to go with him. That sounds like no big deal, I know, but I was totally taken by surprise (teen boys--well, mine at least--don't usually ask me to do stuff with them). I was so happy he asked me, and I couldn't have gotten my shoes on any faster! We walked around the neighborhood and had a great talk. It was the highlight of my whole week.

... and I'm out. Have a great weekend! xo

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Running Recap: Sept 1-7

I started this post in the afternoon, but didn't have time to finish it before cross country practice. I was SO TIRED today (my insomnia has been terrible lately) and I really wanted to stay home and relax after a busy day. However, there is something about practice that makes me feel so happy and energized when I'm done. Today was an especially fun practice (long run day!) which I'll write about this weekend. I just feel so proud seeing the kids work hard for their goals--and they certainly worked hard today.

Now I'm home and I'm dying to just crash in bed and (please please) sleep. I forgot how much time cross country takes out of my day, so it's hard to squeeze it in on busy days. The actual practice is only an hour, but I do a lot of work at home for it (adding up mileage, setting individual goals for each runner, planning practices, nerdy spreadsheets, etc.).

Today I had to meal plan for the week, go grocery shopping, run three miles, cook dinner by 4:15 (I like to have it done so Noah can eat before his night class), prep the cross country stuff, write a blog post, and then go to cross country practice. Each thing on the list is simple, but when you put it all together in one day it's exhausting! In a good way, though.

I did learn something very valuable today: Grocery shopping at 1 PM on Thursdays is the best! There was practically NO ONE at the store. I spent much longer than usual writing a meal plan this morning and by the time I was done running and showering, I had to rush through the grocery store. I probably shouldn't share this valuable information online, but considering how much I hate grocery shopping, I was very excited to discover the optimal time to shop, hahaha.

Anyway, I only had two runs this week (not counting this morning's run). I've been in the pattern of running one day, then skipping two days, then running one day, and so on. I had planned to run three times per week, but I'm happy as long as I don't skip more than two days between runs.

These days, my running goals are very different from several years ago. Running three miles every few days at whatever the pace happens to be is nice--I am loving not having pace goals, heart rate goals, or any other goals I usually push for. Maybe I'll want to run farther or faster in the future, but with all the stuff I have on my plate right now, this is ideal.

Saturday - 3 miles outdoors

I only mention "outdoors" above because I go through phases of running outside and running on the treadmill. Lately it's been outside, even when it's been really hot. I'm definitely ready for fall weather! On Saturday, I was having a very rough day mentally, which definitely affected my run--I just felt drained and I hoped the run would make me feel better.

It felt SO hard! I ran my first mile in 12:43, but it felt like I was running at a 9:00/mile pace. My overall pace when I was done was 12:18, and I felt like I had just raced a 5K. It's so odd how one day you can have an amazing run and feel fantastic, then just a couple of days later feel like death while running.

I guess this is my "well, that sucked" face, haha--I swear, my face was much redder than it looks!

Monday - 3 miles with Jerry at the State Park

Considering what I wrote above about skipping two days between runs, I hadn't planned to run on Monday (Labor Day) but in the words of Forrest Gump, I just felt like running. I already wrote about it on this post, so I won't bore you with the details again, but Jerry and I ended up going to the State Park. We ran the 3-mile loop at an easy pace, having a great conversation without distractions--it was so nice! A big change from just two days prior.

Well, I'm off to bed. Jerry has the day off tomorrow, and we are determined to get some serious work done in the bathroom. It would be awesome if I can get the wall between the bathroom and bedroom done--right now it's just one big open space!

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Wednesday Weigh-In: Goal Weight Talk

When I first started losing weight in 2009, I had no idea what my goal weight was going to be. I was 253 pounds, and I guessed that I would probably be happy at around 175. I'd only weighed less than that once in my adult life and it was several years prior. The lowest weight I'd ever seen on the scale as an adult was 152, and I think that lasted one day ;)

It's kind of funny (or maybe sad?) that I remember my weight at certain points throughout my life. When I worked at Curves, we used to do a questionnaire with new members and one of the questions was if they remembered what they weighed on their wedding day. And you know what? I would say that 95% of the women I signed up remembered the exact number. I can tell you that I weighed 160 on the dot the day that I got married.

Thinking about it now, I realize how trivial it all is. Why do we think about that number so much? And even posting my Wednesday Weigh-Ins seems--childish? That's not really the right word; I'm not sure what to call it. It's just so unimportant, especially when I think of all the other stuff I have going on right now.

HOWEVER.

I don't think it'll ever not be somewhat important to me--I was overweight for 28 years, morbidly obese for many of them, and I felt like I missed on out a lot when I was a teenager and early 20s. When my friends were wearing crop tops and bikinis, I wore the baggiest clothes I could (and forget about a bathing suit!). I was an extremely self-conscious, shy wallflower who desperately wanted to be like "everyone else".

I tried so many times to lose weight but I just couldn't do it. When I started exercising at Curves in 2002(?) I also joined Weight Watchers and I got my weight down to 152. I was thrilled! And then gained the weight back almost immediately. I even had to have my wedding dress let out in the waist just two days before my wedding because I couldn't zip it anymore. (God bless that seamstress!)

My wedding day was the last day I saw 160 until 2010. I'd gotten pregnant just a couple of months after getting married, and I was kind of relieved to have an excuse to gain weight. I had two babies in 18 months, and then my weight was at 250-ish until August 19, 2009, when I finally had enough of being too big to play with my kids the way I always imagined I would.

I won't go through the whole weight loss story, because it's written all over my blog, but as I lost weight, I started to think more and more about my goal. I reached 175 and was shocked to have gotten that far. Then I aimed for 160 and reached it. Being in the 150s was unbelievable to me. And when I reached 149? I was terrified. I was in uncharted territory with no clue what to expect.

I kept lowering my goal weight as I got smaller. Reaching 144 was a big deal because for the first time in my life, I was no longer considered "overweight" on the BMI chart. When I thought it might be possible to hit 139, I was excited--it seemed SO SKINNY to me--but I did it.

As you know, I'm a total numbers person. I love nerdy spreadsheets and even math problems (that don't involve graphs, haha). I'm kind of particular about numbers and my favorites are odd numbers in multiples of 11 (especially 11, 33, and 55). I have no idea why.

I eventually chose 133 as my goal weight. Now, today, calling it a "goal weight" seems kind of silly; but it was important to me at the time. And honestly? It still is. Regardless of what number we choose, some of us like to have a goal in mind.

At this age (40), I would be happy just to feel comfortable in my clothes and my own body. If that happened to be 150, sure--I'll take it! From past experience, however, I know that I am most comfortable under about 140.

When I gained a lot of weight in 2018-2020, I reached 197--the highest my weight had been in nearly 10 years. I never stopped trying to lose the weight, but I also never thought I would. I felt like I was out of control and 197 would turn into 253 again before I even knew it. When I saw that number, I immediately decided that I was going to get my weight back down to an "acceptable" number. I didn't care if I never saw the 120s again or the 130s or even 140s. At that point, I would have been happy just to get to 170.

Still, I think 133 will be burned in my mind forever as my "goal weight".

That day was May 24, 2021. I did what I knew best--counting calories. And slowly, the weight started to come off. I can't even describe how relieved I was. When your weight loss/gain/loss/gain is so public, it's embarrassing to see such a dramatic shift upward. I felt like a failure. And thousands of people could see it.

I haven't counted calories in a months. (I think I stopped counting in February or March sometime.) I put my focus on eating a lot of fiber; and at the end of January of this year, I became vegan--which completely changed everything for the better. I could write a whole series of posts about the changes I've noticed since becoming vegan, but I'll save that for another time (this is long enough).

My weight loss stalled for several months, but I hadn't started eating plant-based to lose weight (I became vegan for three reasons in this order: 1) The suffering that animals go through in factory farms; 2) The impact that factory farms have on the environment; and 3) For health. So when my weight loss stalled, I continued to eat vegan regardless of my weight.

Recently, the weight started coming off again and I have to say it's been easy. I almost feel guilty about how easy it has felt. Becoming vegan for those reasons I listed gave me a "why" that, for once in my life, isn't about weight loss. And I think that has made all the difference.

For the first time in 12 years, I don't fear gaining the weight back.

Maybe my weight will change, maybe it won't... but I'm not scared of it or worried about what people will think anymore. And I'm sure it's because I changed my "why".

So, Katie, get on with it... why all this talk about goal weight? Well, I reached it this week...

While I'm sure the fact that I've been stressed and overwhelmed recently has something to do with losing the last 5-6 pounds, I still felt a little thrill when I saw that on the scale. I don't think that I'll ever be able to get having a "goal weight" out of my head, and I'm okay with that.

In 2015, when I focused so hard on getting to 133 pounds, I reached that weight and was over-the-moon excited. Jerry took my picture that day and I was grinning from ear to ear.

Rather than take a mirror selfie in my dusty, under-construction bathroom this week, I felt like reaching my goal weight was worth another picture outside, standing on the dike across from my house, just like last time. (Well, minus the make-up and hair.) I can certainly see that I've aged, but I also know how much better I feel inside. I'm not nearly as fast a runner as I was back then and I have at least one more wrinkle for each year that has passed, but I feel good.

In January when I turned 40, I can't even describe how bummed I was about that number. When did 40 years go by?! How in the heck had it been 11 years since I started writing Runs for Cookies? Why was I still struggling with my weight 40 years after I'd been born a 9+ pound baby? Why did I even care?

I made my family and friends promise me that they wouldn't mention my birthday. I didn't want to celebrate it or even think about it. There was no birthday talk on January 25th, and I was grateful for that.

Now, not even eight months later, I can honestly say I feel better at 40 than I did at 30. I'll take 40--wrinkles, gray hair, and all!

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Therapy

I don't have any transformations to post for Transformation Tuesday, which is a bummer! I still keep thinking it's Monday, though--holiday weekends always confuse me the following week. Today has been a long and exhausting day. I just got home from cross country practice and just as I thought, the kids were very excited about the fun donations to our team. After they ran today (speed and hills!) they did a six-legged race, which was so funny. (I'll post more about cross country later this week.)

I don't remember if I mentioned this already, but I decided to start going to therapy again. I know I keep writing about feeling super overwhelmed and I don't mean to sound cryptic; I was just hit with several big things at once (like the disaster in my bathroom/bedroom). That is still moving along, just very slowly.

I worry about my dad a lot because his health hasn't been good. My mom went to my sister's for a few days and she's usually the one that pushes my dad to go to the hospital or get tests done or things like that (my dad is stubborn and would probably never have gone to a doctor on his own). While she was gone, my dad got very faint a few times and he actually fell down five times in three days. He hit his head a couple of times, which is why my mom made him go to the ER when she got home.

Thankfully, the CT scans were fine; but it doesn't resolve his low blood pressure causing him to feel faint and fall. I know exactly what he's talking about when he describes it, because it's the same thing that happened to me when I fainted and broke my jaw. I also fainted and hit my head a few years ago. I have low blood pressure like my dad and I feel faint frequently when I stand up from a sitting or lying down position.

As if that wasn't enough for him, when he went to the ER, he tested positive for COVID, too! Anyway, I'm always worried about him now. He's got a lot of health issues going on at once and there really isn't a solution. He's tired of doctors and tests and I don't blame him at all.

To write about the other stuff I'm dealing with would invade others' privacy so I can't write about it--and that's actually why I chose to find a therapist. To top it off, my psychiatrist is retiring in December and I only have one more session with him. I really like him so I hope he can recommend someone that's a good fit for me.

Today was my first appointment with the new therapist and I'm glad I made the decision to go. I'll see her weekly for a little bit and then every other week and/or as needed. As you know, I'm passionate about mental health. I always tell people that finding a therapist is like dating--you might have to see several before you find one that you click with. Thankfully, I really liked her (I'll call her "A") and I'd like to keep seeing her. 

While this post comes off as a downer, I didn't mean for it to--today was a really great day. Better than I've had in a long time, actually--Jerry even mentioned noticing it before he left for work. And it will be even better when I eat some of the hash I made before I left for practice! I'm starving--you know, from watching kids run up and down a hill and yelling at them to keep going ;) 

I know I haven't been posting the daily "random fact" calendar tidbits, but today's was perfect for this post:

There is nothing wrong with seeking help for mental health, and I hope that by writing about it, there will be less of a stigma and more people will feel comfortable talking openly about it as well. I always feel vulnerable when writing about it, but mental health/illness is so important and I don't think it's something people should feel ashamed of.

Okay, I'm going to go heat up some hash and then hit the hay ;)

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A Spontaneous Run Together

This post is going to be pretty short and include some silly pictures--it's been a busy day! We didn't do anything super fun but the weather was a very fall-like day, which is my favorite--overcast and a little cooler than usual. I had no idea that Jerry had the day off work today until this afternoon, otherwise I might have planned something. Instead, I worked on the bathroom project all morning and then Jerry and I both worked on it some more in the evening.

All morning, I kept looking outside and thinking that it looked like perfect running weather and I--ME, KATIE--had the urge to go for a run and take advantage of the weather. As I was getting dressed, I asked Jerry if he wanted to go with me and he said no. He doesn't love running ;)  

I suggested going to the state park for a run (I used to go there all the time and it's been who-knows-how-long since the last time I ran there). Still, he said no. I told him I was going to go anyway and as I was getting my running clothes on, he changed his mind and said he'd regret it if he didn't go. We hadn't run together in a long time so I thought it would be fun. We could go at an easy pace and chat without any distractions.

So that's what we did. And it was the best! As we were running, everything looked so familiar as if I'd just been there recently. I could even remember the mileage at certain spots along the trail. I told Jerry we should take a mid-run selfie and he certainly did--he took about a million and a half photos within 30 seconds, haha. So this is just a collage of some silly pictures (during and after).

I can't wait until the leaves start changing colors! I renewed my license plate today and added on the recreation pass (a yearly pass to get into the park) so I'm going to try to make it a point to run at the state park more often. (I always add the pass to my license plate but I never make use of it!) The change of scenery gave me a little spark of excitement about running again. :)

I'm SO excited for cross country practice tomorrow--the kids are going to go crazy when they see the fun rewards they can earn by running. (I like to call them rewards and not "prizes" because the whole point is for them to work for it.)

I really wish that I was able to express just how grateful I am and how generous you all are. I told Jerry today that I wish there was a way to SHOW that I am not just saying thank you; I'm stunned at how kind and generous people are for someone that they don't even know. So, please know that when I say thank you, those aren't just words. My heart feels like it's going to explode with gratitude!

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