I'm feeling brave today, so I'm going to get vulnerable. Eek! I always get nervous to write vulnerable things. But this topic has really come to light and hit me kind of hard only recently. (Also, there is power in vulnerability! Thank you, Brené Brown.)
I think I've finally figured out why I overeat and/or give up completely even trying to stay on track with my diet and exercise sometimes. Over the years, my weight has definitely gone up and down with my moods--that's nothing new--and in retrospect, I can see that most of my gains and losses were based on whether I was hypomanic or depressed. (Here is a post with the specifics and even nerdy weight graphs!)
Now that my bipolar disorder has been diagnosed and I've been on the correct medication for almost four years (can you believe it was almost four years ago that I was diagnosed with bipolar?!) I am seeing a different pattern.
I think my reasons for overeating have changed a bit over the years--when I was a kid, I didn't feel like I fit in with anyone and I found my own ways to deal with my emotions. Sneaking several Kudos bars from my Grandma's cupboard was a regular thing (I believe that was my first binge); coming home from school to an empty house in middle school and making a huge bowl of popcorn loaded with butter and watching TV (both were a distraction from everything); feeling stressed when the kids were little and ordering pizza way too often; periods of severe depression in my 20's and 30's where eating felt like the only thing that I looked forward to.
Lately, I've realized that the main cause of my overeating (and/or not being able to stick with my plans) is due to feeling extremely overwhelmed. And when I get overwhelmed or stressed, I procrastinate. ALl the things that need to be done? I find a distraction and pretend they don't exist. I say I'll worry about them tomorrow. My favorite distraction is eating or drinking or doing some other mind-numbing activity like playing Best Fiends on my phone.
There is nothing wrong with those things in moderation and at the right times, but when I feel overwhelmed, I use what I can to put things off until later. "I'll just do it tomorrow" and then I find a distraction (namely, food) so I don't feel guilty about what it is I'm procrastinating.
When I gave up drinking for all of 2019, I didn't have a glass of wine (or three) to look forward to in order to relax. And I started eating more, looking for something to distract me from all of the things on my "To Do" list.
It never fails that I get comments from people on these types of vulnerable posts telling me to "get a job". That I need to "fill my boredom" with a job. I roll my eyes at these, because it's very rare that I am bored! Quite the opposite, actually. My "To Do" list is a mile long and it makes me feel so overwhelmed that I choose to procrastinate. (I did write a post about my choice to be a stay/work-at home mom, which you can read here. The comments are very interesting from different perspectives!)
Of course that is not ideal! I should just start doing the things that need to be done and as the list gets smaller, I'll feel less overwhelmed and have more time to relax. And also, I won't feel the need to use food to as a distraction.
This is part of the reason that developing a routine is so important for my mental (and physical) health. The downside is that I get thrown for a loop when my routine is broken for some reason or another. Something as simple as going out to lunch with somebody throws me off! And going on a vacation/trip? Forget about it!
And that's not cool. It's one of the goals I have to work on this year. I want to work on not letting a break in my routine throw me off completely.
When I have a routine, I strive--mentally and physically. I feel best when I wake up at the same time every day, eat at the same time, drive the kids to school at the same time (since Noah drives now, it has helped a lot!), going for my walk at the same time, even walking the same route(!). I know that it may seem mundane to most people, but I like having the same routine every day.
It keeps me from feeling overwhelmed. Ideally, I would have a certain day to pay bills, a cleaning schedule to keep the house from getting too messy, and I would even schedule "fun time" where I can watch TV, play my Best Fiends game, or whatever--something pointless that I enjoy. When I do a little each day, it keeps me from letting it all build up and then just distracting myself with food or other bad habits to put off the stuff I actually need to do.
I realize all this may not make sense--thanks, bipolar!--but I am trying really hard to develop a good routine this year. And along with that, I'm trying to figure out my "Plan B" for when things come up. And they will come up a lot! I've been journaling quite a bit about it, and I'm hoping it will help. I've already discovered just how much going to bed at a decent hour makes a difference in my energy levels. I hate sleeping (I feel like it's such a waste of time!) but I know it's necessary, so I'm doing the best I can to get to bed by 11:00.
I'm not so much doing this for weight loss/overeating as I am for just overall health. I want to feel better mentally just as badly as I do physically. I know that my physical stress causes some of my chronic pain in my neck, back, shoulders, and hips. The pain is lessened during times where I don't feel as overwhelmed. But when I feel stressed from all that needs to be done, I get knots in my muscles that are really painful.
There are lots of reasons I need to get this stress/feeling of being overwhelmed under control. I'm working on it :)
