November 05, 2020

Crying on the Beach (Why the sudden sadness?!)


Today was just a bad day in general. The morning was, anyway.

When I woke up this morning, I (again) was shocked that I slept through the night. I never sleep all night! I'm so grateful for the deep sleep.

However, I just felt very sad this morning for no reason at all. I hesitate to call it a depressive episode because it's only been a day, but I had no reason to feel upset--I just was. I was crying to Jerry (God bless him for being so patient!) and I tried to explain how I was feeling.

I really wasn't in the mood to go for my five mile walk because I'm just not able to really get into my current audiobook (I'm about halfway through it). However, after a lot of procrastinating (in the form of just sitting on the couch with my head in my hands), I finally decided to go. Joey and I headed out on our usual route. I was still crying, so I tried to keep my head low and avoid looking at passing cars.

About half a mile in, Joey was flipping out because some unknown dogs were outside and he went nuts. I didn't have the patience for it today. Usually, I am understanding and I let him "act like a dog", but today I just didn't want to deal with it. So I turned and headed home to drop Joey off. I wanted a walk that was just for myself.

I dropped Joey off and put on a hoodie to cover my face (red and puffy from crying). I also left my earphones at home. I kept my head down as I started walking, listening to nothing but my thoughts. I just allowed myself to get lost in those thoughts while I walked. At one point, I got to a small path to access to a tiny little beach area. I decided to go there, and I sat on a rock. I stopped my Garmin and I literally sat there for almost an hour, staring at the lake and crying.

I sent a text message to a couple of friends because they "get it" when it comes to my mood. It was very helpful--I'm so glad I texted them! I sat at the beach for almost an hour before I finally got up and decided to finish my five mile walk. 

With my hoodie pulled over my face as far as it would go, I wanted avoid eye contact with the "regulars" I see on my walks. I just walked... staring down at my feet. I was also continuing to text one of my friends, who really helped me to feel better.

I don't know why I was so upset and I wish these episodes didn't happen. I'm going to talk to my psychiatrist about it at my appointment next month. These episodes aren't happening often enough to make an "emergency" appointment, but they are worth talking about when I see him.

I've been feeling so much pressure lately--and I'm sure it's MYSELF that is putting me under pressure--that I've not been a good wife, parent, sister, daughter, aunt, friend, blogger. There are so many roles I want to play perfectly and it's just not possible.

Hopefully that makes sense.

Anyway, by the time I finished my walk and my text chat, I was much better. 

I can't call this a depressive episode because it hasn't lasted long enough. It just feels bad. I want to feel normal again. I wrote down every single thing I needed from Lowe's, including the cuts I needed them to make in the plywood, and I planned to go buy the supplies today. However, even after getting my shoes on to head out the door, I talked myself out of it. 

Jerry is off this weekend, so I (again) plan to go to Lowe's and have Jerry help me with the plywood. Once I start working on the nightstands we need, I'll feel a lot better--I'm sure of it. It'll keep me busy all day long where I can't even think of anything else. I miss having a long-term project at home.

I only write all of this because it's the truth. I know a lot of you prefer that I write the TRUTH about how I'm feeling instead of just posting about the positives of my life. It's really hard to be vulnerable, but I've learned through the years that when I post something vulnerable, there are SO many people who feel the same way. And hearing from those people makes me feel better that I'm not alone.

I'm definitely feeling better than I did this morning, but I know that my depressive mood is just in hibernation. It always comes out when I least expect it. I'm really glad to have a couple of friends who truly understand how I feel. Jerry is always understanding and willing to listen, but sometimes I really need an outsider.

Anyway, Jeanie (my sister) asked me today if I could make a few scrub caps for her for work. She's working closely with COVID patients and she (and her coworkers) can use all the caps they can get. I plan to make a few, but if any of you are "seamstresses" (ahem--if you sew) and you're willing to make some for Jeanie and her coworkers, please let me know and I'll give you the address to send them. It's crazy to see what she has to wear for work! (Jeanie is on the right)


This is a photo of the cap she bought from a coworker:


I can make some, but she said that the therapists and nurses can REALLY use them instead of wearing the "hairnet" type coverings, so I can't make that many. She said that all of the RN's and therapists would be so grateful for them (she's an occupational therapist). So even if you're able to make just one, it'll get good use! Here is a good free pattern. (Just email me at Katie (at) runsforcookies (dot) com for the address to send them.)

COVID is getting worse in Michigan and it's looking like the schools are going to close again. I just want all this to be over with!

19 comments:

  1. Katie thank you for being honest and sharing. The only way we can normalize mental health is by sharing. It's the same as any medical diagnoses. It's so wonderful you have a support network and so great that you utilized them when needed. How you handled it today sounds exactly how you needed to.

    COVID-19 has turned our worlds around and many are experiencing mental health changes. Also, seasonal depression is starting for many. A tool that might help right now for others is a light therapy lamp (always check with a medical or mental health professional if it's good for your plan).

    Diet and exercise are also important. Keep up the walking, even if it's 20min.

    Thank you for your honest feelings and sharing your story!

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    1. One of my biggest desires is to "normalize" the talk of mental illness because it has such a stigma.

      You're right, COVID has definitely changed our routines and it's SO hard for someone like me (having bipolar makes me thrive on routine--when my routine gets thrown off, for any reason, I have such a hard time dealing with it). I don't think I have seasonal depression, because this is my favorite time of year--when I am usually happiest--but for the last few years I've felt sadness around this time. So, maybe that could be something going on with me.
      The exercise has been SO helpful. I never knew just how much of a difference it would make!

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  2. Sorry to hear about your day - and tough moments in general. I’m super inspired by your transparency, introspection, thoughtfulness, projects!, parenting, etc. - and I don’t say that to add pressure to keep that up, just that I think you’re pretty amazing. I love love love a good wood working project and am always happier when I’m building something. Have a good weekend. Hugs.

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    1. Thank you, Martha <3 I love and miss you!

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  3. I'm also struggling. I'm just focusing on getting to the weekend at the moment. Doing the school run and basics in the house and my job. I think it's the ground hog day of doing the same things and getting nowhere that is my problem. I don't want to just be a housekeeper. Covid and it's endlessly restricted life is getting every one down but keep messaging people and getting through a day at a time.

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    1. Ground hog day is an understatement! I'm so tired of every day feeling like the same thing over and over. That's why I've had such a hard time blogging!

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  4. Covid has turned so many lives upside down and is certainly not helping with mental health, thats for sure. I so appreciate you sharing the truth on how you're feeling! Its so much better to talk about it! I truly hope you feel better soon! And I think you can take worrying about being a perfect blogger off of your list because I think you already achieved that! :) You are my favorite blogger by far! Sending much love!! <3

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    1. Thank you! Blogging has been hard simply because my days feel so much the same--I don't feel like I have anything to write about! But thank you so much for the kind words. I've come to look forward to seeing your comments--I appreciate you being such a loyal reader for so long! <3

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  5. Thank you so much for this open and vulnerable post. I relate to this so hard, and even shed a few tears as my work desk (where I read your posts every morning)because this week has been emotionally hard for me! I am 30 weeks pregnant and I'm not sure if it's the political climate or seasonal depression hitting me sooner than normal, but all day I put on my brave face at work, then as soon as I get in my car and pull out of the work driveway, I cry the whole way home! One night this week I even sat in bed for quite some time just ugly crying, I couldn't stop! Your open and honest post was what I truly needed to read today. Thank you Katie for always keeping it real with your readers!

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    1. I am so so sorry that you've been feeling this way. There is something about being in the car that makes crying feel appropriate when you're feeling depressed. I've cried MANY times while in the car--you're not alone. It breaks my heart that you're feeling this way. Please email me if you'd like to chat. I truly mean it. I probably can't help anything, but I can listen!

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  6. Thank you for being vulnerable! I am going through something like this for a while now and it’s nice to hear I am not alone. I am a mom to 3 kids under 5 and sometimes I feel like there is something wrong with me. I can sew but have been so sad that I haven’t touched my Machine in more then a year. Sorry. That really sucks about COVID!

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    1. I'm so sorry that you have been feeling like that for a while! (Or even at all.) Having three kids under five years old has to be SO stressful... I can't even imagine what you're going through, especially this year with COVID changing up everything. Nothing is wrong with you. I'm sure you are doing the best you can with what you are able to do. Things will start looking up eventually. <3

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  7. I appreciate you, Katie and your posts. Sending you love and good wishes, Mary

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    1. Thank you, Mary! I really appreciate your support!

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  8. Thank you so much for continuing to share the real you with us. Sending so much love and gratitude for who you are and what you mean to so many. Hugs from that state just to your south.

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    1. Thank you Nita! I know that you understand how I'm feeling, and I appreciate your support so much! <3

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  9. Katie,
    I will be glad to make some scrub hats. I'm retired and love to sew. Please send me the mailing address.
    Cindy Gault

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I used to publish ALL comments (even the mean ones) but I recently chose not to publish those. I always welcome constructive comments/criticism, but there is no need for unnecessary rudeness/hate. But please--I love reading what you have to say! (This comment form is super finicky, so I apologize if you're unable to comment)

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