Alcohol-Free for One Year: My thoughts, introspections, how it affected my life, and whether I'll continue

(Trigger warning: There are photos in this post of me drinking alcohol--in the past--and describing the things I miss about it; if you're a recovering alcoholic, I just wanted to forewarn you in case that will be a trigger.)

Before I get into this post, I wanted to say that I know that using the word "sobriety" or "sober" is touchy for some people. On my last post about it, some people were offended by my use of the word because I hadn't gone through hell and hit other people's ideas of "rock bottom" to be able to quit drinking.

However, I think it's a very personal choice of language. Nobody knows exactly what my journey before, during or currently was/is like, what got me to the point of committing to not drinking for a year, or how difficult it was for me.

While I didn't have DUI's and arrests, or lose my family and friends, or wind up homeless due to alcohol; I choose to use the word "sober" because I had to work really fucking hard at it. It wasn't a joke, or a dumb challenge; it meant a lot to my lifestyle, which I will get into in this post.

So, I mean no offense to anyone by using the word "sober"--I know that SO many people have horror stories of what alcohol did to their lives, much worse than anything I've dealt with. But there are people with not-so-obvious stories, too, and I don't want to invalidate those. Everybody's story is unique and valid. This is a very vulnerable post for me. I hope that you'll respect that.

This is a great article that explains "sobriety", including the DSM-V criteria for recovery. I find it very interesting!

That said, let me get into this post, which will likely be long.

On January 1st, 2019, I declared that I was going to give up alcohol for one year. I had tried numerous times to give it up for 30 days or whatever, but toward the end of 2018, I knew I really needed to take it seriously. I didn't want to say it was forever, because I honestly didn't want to give it up forever. I liked drinking!

I was not physically dependent on alcohol, but I did abuse it in the sense that I used it for calming anxiety. Alcohol is the only thing that has ever worked to ease anxiety for me (I tried therapy, benzodiazepines, and even medicinal marijuana--nothing worked liked alcohol).

My anxiety started to get really high in 2014, and it was (stupidly) due to blog or social media comments. (I have since written a post about how I stopped feeling anxious over social media--and it's still mostly true. But I think social media will forever cause an anxiety pit in my stomach.) When I allowed anonymous comments on my blog, people would say hurtful things sometimes, and it got to the point where I would dread seeing that I got comments on my posts. I was worried about it ALL the time.

For years, I was able to have a small glass of wine in the evenings and be totally satisfied. When I was losing weight, I measured out 4-6 oz, and I was fine with that. Once my anxiety started going up, and I wasn't counting calories anymore, I would drink more to combat the anxiety. I always poured a glass of wine when starting a blog post, and then refilled as needed.

It was also a social anxiety reliever. I eventually got to the point where I would have a couple of drinks before people would come over (and then more when they were here) just to keep myself from being socially awkward and anxious. At get-togethers, I noticed I always drank more than others, which was starting to make me question my drinking, and whether it was a problem.

And then, as with any drug, my tolerance grew and I had to drink more to get that anxiety relief. At the end of 2018, I finally accepted that it was a problem and I was going to have to be drastic. I couldn't just do a 30-day challenge or something to "prove to myself" that I could go without it. I wanted to do it long enough to see positive changes so that I would WANT to stop drinking. (Because I certainly didn't want to stop! I felt that I needed to stop.)

Physically, I felt like crap all the time when I was drinking. I would wake up feeling bloated and puffy. The alcohol would usually make me eat more, both while drinking and then the next day because my stomach would feel sour. And I always felt dehydrated.

I don't care to go into all the personal details of "before", but I will just say that I knew alcohol was a problem for me. And I wanted to take care of it before it became a bigger problem. I didn't want to become someone who would drink and drive, or who got mean when drinking, or who would stumble around the house drunk. Nobody wants to get to that point! So I tried to think of what would help me to quit for long enough to see a change in my health (mental and physical).

The most drastic thing I could think of in order to make it through a whole year was to be extremely public about it.

I had read that it can take up to a year before you really start to see the benefits of quitting drinking, and since the new year was approaching, I decided to make it a top priority for 2019. Not just a typical goal, or a new year's resolution... but a true NEED for change. And I told myself that if, after a year, I didn't see any changes or if I just wanted to drink again, I could. But I was solidly committed to one full year.

I wrote the declaration on my blog, I wrote it on my Facebook page, and I even shared it on my personal Facebook wall for my friends to see. I wanted everyone to know so that if they saw me drinking, I would feel the shame of it. Hurt my pride. Have to explain that I just couldn't hack it.

Choosing to do it for a year was helpful when explaining to people why I wasn't drinking in a social situation (because people always ask). I just said that I was doing a personal challenge for a year, and that satisfied their curiosity. I was afraid if I got into the deeper reasons, they might feel judged themselves, and I wasn't judging anyone. Like I said, it's personal for everybody.

Almost immediately after making the announcement that I was giving up alcohol for a year, I regretted it. It had become such a habit for me to have wine at night, and I felt like I was crawling out of my skin with anxiety and simple boredom. I hated feeling so anxious and not having any relief from it. My psychiatrist prescribed anxiety meds, but they just didn't do the trick like alcohol did.

For weeks, I felt like giving up drinking was the stupidest idea I'd ever had. I wished I hadn't been public about it. If I hadn't been, I would have given up on the second day!

I had expected to feel something magical happen--like I would just wake up one day and feel a trillion times better and my anxiety would be gone. I wanted to feel like all those success stories from former drinkers who make it sound like sobriety is all sunshine and rainbows. (Seeing their stories on Instagram was very motivating to me, however; it was nice to see that there are young, fun people who choose to live a sober lifestyle).

In truth, I didn't experience those sunshine and rainbows. In retrospect, there were a couple of physical changes--I didn't feel puffy all the time when I woke up, and I wouldn't wake up in the night feeling hot and cold at the same time, or just restless while trying to fall back asleep. I loved waking up knowing that I hadn't said anything stupid while getting together with friends or sent texts when feeling uninhibited.

On the contrary, my anxiety was higher than ever and I had no relief. I did start to eat more (basically replacing alcohol with food) and I knew that wasn't a healthy replacement (although, I felt that junk food was the lesser of two evils).

I kept reminding myself that it can take a full year to feel the good effects of quitting alcohol, which is one of the reasons I kept going. And my pride. Let's not forget that. (I could have cheated without anyone knowing, but I was committed to MYSELF--not just others.)

About 4-5 months in, I started to find myself feeling bitter toward alcohol in general. I started thinking about how stupid it was that alcohol has to be involved in everything social, and how much I hated the "mommy wine culture" trend (seeing the memes about "mommy juice", a.k.a. wine, would make me feel sad rather than make me laugh).

I became pretty irritated about it all, and Jerry said I sounded judgmental. I didn't feel like I was judging people, but more so that I was just irritated that alcohol has to play such a huge part in everything. It's everywhere and it's so "normal" that I feel abnormal for not drinking it.

By six months in, I hated the idea of alcohol. I never, ever expected to feel that way when I started the year. At that point, I had a feeling that I would want to continue the sobriety beyond a year. Not that I didn't miss how much it relaxed me, or how it made me feel more social; but I just was weighing the pros and cons frequently, and it felt like there were more pros than cons.

Now just over twelve months in, I can't say that I've noticed a ton of positive changes since quitting. I haven't gotten to the "sunshine and rainbows" part. Perhaps that's because my life wasn't in shambles when I decided to quit. I imagine if I had been drinking all day long, driving while drunk, getting arrested for public intoxication, being mean or abusive to my family, losing my money, family, house, etc., I would probably notice some huge changes by quitting. But because I hadn't gotten even close to that point, the changes are very subtle.

Here are the things I enjoy about staying alcohol-free:

Waking up without worrying about stupid things I may have said or texted while my inhibitions were low the night before.

Going to bed knowing that I'm not going to feel any effects of a hangover the next morning.

Not having to worry about having a designated driver.

The feeling of being in control.

Setting a good example for my kids (letting them see that not EVERY adult drinks and that it's perfectly okay to choose not to).

More energy on a day-to-day basis.


The difficult parts:

Insomnia--I toss and turn all night long, and I had hoped that quitting drinking would help this. But I am forever an insomniac. My bipolar meds do help more than before I started taking them, but I still have sleep issues.

The obvious one: anxiety. I still have it and it's not going away. However, it's gotten better over the last six months or so as compared to the first six months of sobriety.

Feeling like a party pooper in social situations. I know it shouldn't matter what people think, and I honestly have no idea if people think that I'm boring because I don't drink; but I am extremely shy and inhibited without alcohol, so I'm definitely not much fun at parties.

And to be real, I just don't have as much fun as I used to. (For what it's worth, my friends are at the age where "partying" doesn't consist of doing shots and getting into a drunk stupor--usually at get-togethers, my friends will have 2-3 drinks tops, over a several hour period. What can I say? We're getting old.)

I miss being able to "let loose" and get a wine buzz with Jerry on a date night. We used to laugh so hard and have the best conversations when drinking wine together (there is something about a wine buzz that is different from other alcohol).

I've had a much harder time losing weight, because I use food for comfort now that I don't have the alcohol. I would really like to find a healthy replacement that works just as well! (Exercise is the obvious choice, but it doesn't work for me... perhaps because of my former "fat girl" mentality.)

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Overall, I know that the positives outweigh the negatives, even if it doesn't always feel that way. The toughest situation for me over the past year has actually been flying/traveling sober. I have such a horrible fear of flying that I ALWAYS had to have two glasses of wine to get on a flight and 1-2 more during the flight. Flying sober, my stomach was in knots the entire time. However, when I got off the plane, I didn't feel loopy or tired, bloated, or even anxious. I felt great!

Social situations really aren't that hard anymore. I know that it's controversial in sober lifestyles, but I found Heineken 0.0% (alcohol-free beer) to be a lifesaver. Heineken was my favorite beer for years, and when I saw that they had a truly alcohol-free version, I hoped it would be similar. And honest-to-God, if I tasted the two side-by-side, I wouldn't know the difference. It's so good! I don't drink it on a regular basis, but it comes in handy when I really want a beer.

So, when I go somewhere for a get together or if we're having people here, I just drink that. Not simply to "fit in"--my friends don't pressure me to drink--but because I like the taste of it. (Actually, we had two couples over for New Year's Eve, and my friend Amanda had the thoughtfulness to ask me if it was going to be "dry" or if it was cool if they brought a couple of hard ciders. That was SO considerate of her to ask! But of course I don't expect people to stop drinking around me.)

Having people drink around me doesn't make it difficult for me, which was surprising to me. I think it helps that I can choose to have my non-alcoholic options. I definitely don't want to make other people feel like they can't drink around me or that I'm judging them. I'm not.

One thing I've noticed is that drinking just one of the Heineken 0.0% beers is satisfying. With regular beer, one was never enough! Now, I'll have 1-2 at a party (or 3 if I'm feeling really wild, haha) and I'm totally cool with that. Plus, they are only 69 calories each! (I know that non-alcoholic beer can be triggering for some people that live sober lifestyles, but I have found the opposite to be true for me.)

I've also found a non-alcoholic wine that I like. I always thought that sounded stupid--wouldn't non-alcoholic wine just be grape juice? But it actually tastes very much like the dry red wine that I like, not sweet at all. I don't drink it often, though--I usually just save it for when I am craving that romanticized idea of curling up on the couch with a warm blanket and reading a good book, or something like that.

Funnily enough, the one situation I can think of that I just don't want to be in is to go out for Mexican food and not have a margarita. I LOVE margaritas and there is a particular Mexican restaurant in Toledo that makes the best margaritas ever. I don't think I can go to that restaurant, at least not for now.

Margaritas with Caitlin at my favorite Mexican place:

So, for the million dollar question... what's next? Am I going to start drinking again now that my year is over?

No, I'm not. I am also not going to say that I'll never drink again, either. Right now, I know that if I was to drink, I wouldn't be able to do so in moderation or have total control over it. Maybe someday I will get back to that point, but I know that I can't do that right now.

Also, I'm pretty content with not drinking. There have been only a few times over the past few months that I felt a real craving (going to a party on the 28th was the hardest--I get nervous to go to things like that, and I normally would have had a couple glasses of wine before going.)

But with the Heineken 0.0% and the non-alcoholic wine (or even mocktails), I don't really feel like I "need" to drink. Sure, I want to sometimes--if not to relieve anxiety, then to at least let loose. But those moments pass, and I'm always glad that I didn't do it.

If anyone is thinking about going alcohol-free for a while, I highly suggest doing it for a bare minimum of nine months (if not a year). I don't feel like anything less than that will give you the full picture. If you go into it knowing that you're only going to do it for a 30-day challenge or even 90 days, then you're constantly focused on that finish line. And 30 days isn't a long time!

Going alcohol-free for a full year means going through your birthday, Christmas, multiple parties, weddings, New Year's Eve, the holiday season, and lots of other social situations. If we choose a particularly boring month to go alcohol-free, we don't get to truly experience the hardships of it, which keep the good parts from standing out and being noticed.

I don't say this in judgement, because there are plenty of people who have no problem moderating alcohol; but I encourage anyone who drinks to see what it's like to go for a year without it. It was life-changing for me. I hadn't realized just what a problem it was until going several months without.

I don't think of alcohol as "bad". I do think that it has the potential to be horrible, though. It destroys peoples lives every day. But for a lot of people, it's hard to realize that it's a problem until it's too late. I think that doing a one-year experiment helps to see if there is a problem, even if it's just something minor.

So, that is what I've learned in my year of being alcohol-free. I never, ever expected to continue beyond a year (actually, I doubted I would even last the year); but my head is much clearer and I've done a lot of introspection this past year. I've learned a lot about myself, and I'm grateful that I made the most of this "experiment". It also made me want to get healthier in 2020.

Again, I feel very vulnerable posting all of this, so please be kind if you choose to comment. I am not, in any way, judging those who drink or don't drink for any reason. This year of sobriety was about ME. I'm very glad I did it, and I plan to continue as long as I feel the need to--perhaps forever. I'm not making any declarations beyond right now, though. I feel I've learned enough to make the decision in a smart way, rather than an emotional one.

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I'm not sure why, but "Carri" deleted these comments after I replied. I feel it's important to address her concerns, so I just thought I'd reply to them here:

If you read my post, I actually DID mention my kids when I write about the positives of choosing not to drink: "Setting a good example for my kids (letting them see that not EVERY adult drinks and that it's perfectly okay to choose not to)."

Also, I never said I was an alcoholic. Maybe some people would call me that based on this post, but according to criteria in the DSM-V, I do not fit the profile for an alcoholic. If I was an alcoholic, then about 90% of the people I know are, too. I decided to quit before it came to that point. My kids are happy and healthy, and always have been--I choose not to share much about their lives on here because of judgmental people on the internet. (I know it's shocking, but judgmental people on the internet exist! 😂)

When Carri implies that only alcoholics need designated drivers, I felt this was an important point to reply to--I think EVERYBODY should have a designated driver if there is alcohol involved (it doesn't matter how much or how little). In my opinion, choosing to have a designated driver doesn't make one an alcoholic. It's just the responsible thing to do when drinking alcohol.

So, Carri, I'm sorry that you felt the need to delete your comments. They are great questions!

Continue Reading...

MAF Carbohydrate Intolerance Test (and explanation): Day 1

Like I mentioned in yesterday's post, I decided to try a drastic dietary test to see if certain foods are causing random symptoms I've developed in the last few years. I spent October, November, and December running at a MAF (maximum aerobic function) heart rate, a formula that was developed by Dr. Philip Maffetone as a program to build your aerobic system for endurance training.

There is a whole lot of science around it, and I've been reading his book "The Big Book of Endurance Training and Racing" (Amazon affiliate link). I was never interested in the nutrition aspect of the MAF method, because I've always held my belief that moderation and variety is the best way for me to eat.

Like everyone, I know that eating a healthier diet is going to be better than eating junk food; but I wasn't willing to give up junk food. I'm still not willing to give it up entirely! However, I am willing to be open-minded enough to see if cutting way back on it makes me feel better and gives me more endurance when running.

Getting back into running, as well as reading his book (which I only started because I had questions about the MAF training that I wanted to find answers for), made me think a bit about his two-week test for carbohydrate intolerance.

Now, as soon as I hear the word "carbs" as far as dieting goes, I immediately feel cynical. I think that giving up carbs just isn't sustainable (at least for me) and I don't think it's healthy to cut them out. I think it's best to have a variety of foods in moderation. This is why I never paid attention to his ideas on nutrition, because after hearing about "carbohydrate intolerance" I assumed it was like any other low-carb plan. Maybe it's great for some people, but definitely not something I was interested in.

When I read about the two-week test, however, and the reasons for doing it, I was much more open-minded. I can certainly try something for two weeks. And the reason for it is NOT for weight loss, but to test how well your body burns fats versus carbohydrates (I'll write more about this below) and to see what foods agree best with your body and give you the best results for health and training.

The two-week test is very strict about carbs; but after that, you gradually add them back in, taking note on how they make you feel. The other purpose is to make your body sensitive to carbs so that it learns to burn more fat for fuel (something that is important in endurance training--running, in my case).

I'll try not to get TOO detailed, but the gist is that endurance training uses the aerobic system, which prefers to burn fat for fuel because it lasts a long time (and our bodies, even very fit ones, have enough stored fat to get us through long endurance races). If our bodies burn primarily fat, rather than sugar/carbs, then we can endure a sport much longer. (There isn't nearly as much glycogen, or stored sugar, as there is fat.)

The carbohydrate intolerance test is a way of seeing just how much your body relies on sugar versus fat to get through any sort of exercise or daily living. If you don't really see results from the two-week test, then it's likely you're already burning primarily fat. But if you see a drastic change as your body uses the fat for fuel (because you're not supplying it with more sugar/carbs all day), then it's likely that your body is used to using sugar for fuel.

I have a strong feeing that I am part of the latter group because I eat a lot of carbs. So, my body is burning carbs all day long for fuel. To be a better runner, and be more fit, I want my body to be able to rely on burning fat so that I can run longer with more ease.

Hopefully that makes sense! If you don't want to read the whole book, I'd at least check out Dr. Maffetone's website, where you can read more about the gist of it. (I linked to a few helpful pages of his site at the bottom of this post)

An example that helped me understand it better is when you think of "the wall" in a marathon--when a lot of runners just sort of crash around miles 18-22. I assumed it was just a normal right of passage for any marathoner. But from what I read in the book, the reason is because they are used to burning mostly carbs for fuel (and using simple carbs like gels to keep replacing the carbs they are burning).

At some point (usually around miles 18-22), the sugar reserves (called glycogen, and stored in the muscles and liver) are just depleted. If the body isn't used to burning fat for fuel, then it can cause a big crash--the dreaded wall. If your body is used to burning fat for fuel, then you shouldn't hit the wall; you have plenty of stored fat to get you through a marathon.

So, for me, this two-week test will hopefully help me to see what happens when I don't fuel my body with carbs and force it to rely on fat.

And since I'm expecting that my body primarily runs on carbs, in order to build up my endurance (aerobic system) in the most efficient way, I need to teach my body to burn more fat for fuel. There are several ways to do this, and nutrition is the most important one. Like I said, I can start adding back carbs after the two-week test, but I have to add them one at a time (each day) and keep in tune with my body as to how it reacts. I don't want to cause an inflammation response or to stress my body (the stress causes all sorts of problems as well).

I had a major lightbulb moment when I read about this, especially regarding overtraining and how stressful it is on your body. Overtraining can be super easy to do--running easy runs too hard (higher than MAF heart rate) or doing too much speed work, or just not letting your body recover from workouts--can cause serious stress.

When I trained for my 10K, I trained super hard for six months, and I ran the best race time I've ever had. Training very hard definitely works... temporarily. After that 10K, though, it's like my body totally crashed. I was burnt out from training, I gained 30 or so pounds very quickly, I developed depression that lasted 10 months, I developed chronic pain out of nowhere, and I just did not feel good at all.

While I was certainly doing well with running my easy runs at an easy pace (I used a heart rate monitor and did my MAF heart rate), and keeping my speed work to 20% of training, I was fueling my body with primarily carbs. So, my body was able to get through my workouts with no problem--I had lots of glycogen at the ready. However, there is no way I could run a marathon or even half marathon like that, because I would run out of fuel and crash (despite being super fit).

I suspect that all the problems I had after my 10K were related to the stress that the training had on my body. If I had truly focused on building my endurance the correct way (including nutrition), then perhaps I wouldn't have felt so terrible afterward.

When I start to add back carbs after the two-week test, there is a particular way to do it, which Dr. Maffetone describes, so that I'll continue to teach my body to burn fat for fuel and to develop my aerobic system by way of the MAF method.

I've written about it several times, but the MAF (maximum aerobic function) method is a way of building your endurance. You run with a heart rate monitor, keeping your heart rate under your personal MAF rate (there is a survey you can take on the MAF website and app to tell you your rate, which depends on a number of factors).

The way it works is that you train without ever going over your MAF rate (at least for several months), which may mean that you have to go SUPER slow or even walk for a while. Over time, though, you'll be able to run faster at that same heart rate. So, as you continue to train, your heart rate is always going to stay at MAF--but you will develop your aerobic system to be so efficient that you can easily run at a faster pace and it won't feel any harder than the first (very slow) workout. (During a marathon, you run--if I remember correctly--15 bpm over MAF. So, it'll only feel slightly harder than an easy pace, but you should never hit the wall and you should run a good race.)

As far as how long it takes to get to that point, it depends on how good your endurance is now. If your heart rate gets high really quickly, then you've got a lot of work ahead. MOST people, from reading all the comments from people who have done it, start out much slower than they want. It's frustrating to run so much slower than you're used to (or what you think you can, or should, be running). It feels like you're not doing any good for your body to go so slow!

So anyways, that's the explanation of the two-week test for carbohydrate intolerance and the MAF training. Since my next race goal isn't until May of 2021 (which I wrote about in yesterday's post), I have a long time to work on this method and see if it actually works! And unlike times in the past, I have the patience to do what it takes--even if it means walking most of my "runs" as I build endurance.

Once a month, you take a MAF run test to see if there is any improvement. I did my first one yesterday. After filling out the surveys, I was given 133 bpm as my MAF heart rate (which is a full 13 bpm lower than what I've been doing or the last three months!). I've been running slowly at 146 bpm, so I knew that dropping it to 133 bpm was going to mean that I'd be adding in walking.

I really don't like that I have to take 10 bpm off of the 180 formula (180 minus your age) for the simple fact that I take daily medication (for bipolar). But that's what the guidelines say, so I'm am putting faith in it for now.

My MAF test was to be as follows: 12 minute warm-up, where you gradually bring your heart rate up to MAF (he really stresses how important the warm-up and cool down are... something I never used to do). Then run two miles in the MAF range (123-133 bpm for me). Then a 12-minute cool down.

Jerry is doing this with me, so the two of us went to the local high school track yesterday morning. I chose the track because Dr. Maffetone suggests picking a consistent route (flat) that you can use for each test. A track is perfect for that.

It was FREEZING outside, and I definitely underdressed. I also didn't realize it would be so windy! Since I was going to keep my heart rate under 133 bpm, I knew I wasn't going to get much warmer. But I toughed it out. Jerry's test was slightly different from mine (he had to run one mile at his rate--141 bpm), so we didn't run side-by-side; just on the same track.

I started with a slow walk, and gradually picked it up over the 12 minute warm-up. My plan was to jog as slowly as possible (in order to run longer before having to walk) and then as soon as my heart rate hit 133 bpm, walk slowly until it dropped to 128 bpm. Then jog again. Over and over for the two miles of the test. Then for the cool down, do less and less jogging to get my heart rate back down slowly.

I completed the test without problems. I just had NO idea how much walking I'd have to do or how slow my "run" was going to have to be for two miles. (The goal is for my two-mile time to be faster at the same heart rate in a month.)

Here is what it looked like:

Warm-up: 12:00 minutes, 19:14/mile average pace, HR 121 average bpm
Two mile time: 32:11 minutes
Two mile average pace: 16:05/mi
Two mile average HR: 130 bpm
Cool down: 12:00 minutes, 17:17/mile average pace, HR 124 average bpm

As you can see, all those little spikes are the run/walk/run/walk to keep from going over 133 bpm.

I actually wasn't upset by these results at all. In the past, I would have pouted about how slow I had to go, that I had to walk, and then I'd just quit--saying it's ridiculous. But right now, I have lots of patience, and I truly am curious how all of this will play out. Maybe the training will work, maybe it won't... but it'll be interesting to give it a try.

I was only able to "run" for about 20-30 seconds at a time before my heart rate would reach 133 bpm. Then I'd walk for about 20 seconds or so until my heart rate was lower then 128 bpm. Then I'd jog again. Ideally, I'd keep my heart rate at 133 (or just under) for the entire two miles, but when walking/running, it's nearly impossible to keep a steady heart rate.

Once I'm able to jog the entire two miles without going over 133 bpm, then I'll hopefully be able to keep it steady. I suppose I could walk very fast (with no jogging) to keep my heart rate steady, but I was so desperate to warm up and the jogging actually felt better on my feet than the walking.

I wore my Altras, and because I was going to be jogging so slowly, I thought it'd be the perfect time to work on landing on the middle/balls of my feet instead of my heels. I learned what this felt like when I ran barefoot in the grass at cross country practice. When you run barefoot, you'll notice it's nearly impossible to land on your heels!

Based on these MAF results, my goal for February 1st is to see a faster two-mile time than 32:11. I'm looking forward to trying it! For now, I will run every other day: 12 minute warm-up, 30 minutes at MAF (133 bpm), 12 minute cool down.

Now as far as the nutrition part of yesterday--it was Day 1 of the carbohydrate intolerance test (Jerry is doing this with me as well). I was VERY surprised that I wasn't hungry all day. Carbs are my favorite foods, and I was sure I was going to starve without them. But Dr. Maffetone says to eat a lot of the approved foods during the test, because if you try to cut calories, it will stress your body.

We woke up late yesterday morning, after having a late night on New Year's Eve. We are supposed to eat within one hour of waking, so I got to work prepping veggies for scrambled eggs. I sliced mushrooms and chopped onions and green peppers. Then I scrambled some eggs (three for each of us) with the veggies and added some feta cheese, and that was breakfast.

I wasn't at all hungry for lunch since we ate breakfast at 10:00. For dinner, I had taco meat that I'd prepped the day before (ground sirloin with homemade taco seasoning) with lettuce, tomato, cheese, avocado, and sour cream. It was super filling.

For a snack later, I had some pistachios (in the shell, so that it would take me longer to eat them--otherwise, I could eat them by the handful!).

Notes about how I felt yesterday:

- I felt semi-full after breakfast (not stuffed, but certainly satisfied). Having breakfast and then running shortly after didn't cause any stomach upset.

- I felt fine during the run (other than being freezing)

- About an hour later, I had a headache. And it lasted ALL. DAY. LONG. I woke up this morning and I still have a headache.

- At around 2:00 pm, I completely crashed in energy. My whole body felt so sluggish! We went to the Apple store at the mall to get Eli's phone looked at, and walking around the mall felt so difficult. I just wanted to sit.

- I was very surprised at how easy it felt to get through the day without caving in and eating some sort of sugar or carbs. I wasn't tempted by the cookies at the mall or when the kids had some Christmas cookies at home. I don't think this is due to the diet, however; I think it's more to do with my determination to finish out the two weeks. When I get determined, I feel like nothing is going to stop me.

- Even though my body felt very tired, I wasn't ready to go to sleep until nearly 1:00 AM. I played a game with the kids, wrote in my journal, watched a show with Jerry, and just didn't feel sleepy. My body was tired but my mind wasn't.

- I woke up at 6:00 this morning and my head was hurting so badly I didn't want to try to sleep anymore. So, I didn't get much sleep last night.

- I ate the same breakfast (at 6:30 AM today) as I did yesterday. It's now 2:30 PM, and I'm still not hungry. We are going to have an early dinner, though, because Eli has his first lesson with the baseball coach tonight. For dinner, I plan to make chicken with homemade marinara and mozzarella/parmesan cheese. And sauteéd Brussels sprouts to go with it.

- So far, I'm surprised to say, I don't hate this! (I could never do it forever, but I think I can handle it for two weeks)

Hopefully my updates won't be so long from now on. I just wanted to explain the whole two-week carbohydrate intolerance test before getting into the explanation of my first day.

Some links to Dr. Maffetone's website that explain things better than I can:

Two-Week Test (Nutrition/Diet) Explanation (There are at least a trillion comments, which someone who works for Dr. Maffetone replies to--I spent a lot of time reading them, and they were super helpful!)
MAF Training Explanations (this is the most beneficial read)
Aerobic Training Guidelines
Quick Explanation of the MAF Method Overall

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My BIG Goals for 2020--How I'm Going To Be The Very Best Me

This year feels like it's going to be big for me. I've been thinking so much about it and I want 2020 to be the year of ME--working my best to be the best me I can be.

This year is a milestone for me--10 years since I lost 100 pounds, and then hit a "normal" BMI. And eventually, hit that number of 125 pounds lost, which was what would later become my reason for starting Runs for Cookies.

My initial reason for starting this blog was to basically keep a record of gaining the weight back! Hahaha. I'd lost weight several times before (nowhere near 100+ pounds, but still...) and I'd always gained it back. I wanted to know WHY. I wanted to see what I was doing that was causing the shift and piling the pounds back on.

It has served that purpose and so many others through the years! I'm hoping this year will be no different. I like to set goals, and writing about them has always helped me to stick with them.

New Year's Resolutions are usually something that people (including me) make and then rarely stick to. I might stick to one of two of them, which is better than nothing. Last year, I made resolution to quit drinking for a year (and I really didn't think I could do it). Well, midnight came and went last night, and I haven't had a drink in 365 days.

I am working on a post about the whole experience and my thoughts on it, but for right now, to answer the big question everyone has been asking, am I going to start drinking again?

The short answer is no. I am not going to say that it'll be FOREVER, but I know that I can't handle moderation right now, and I don't know if I will ever be able to again. I used to have no problem moderating my drinking, but I feel like if I was to drink again, I wouldn't be able to do so without it becoming a problem. So, no bold "never again" statements, but for now, I am choosing to continue not to drink. I will publish my post about it soon.

But moving on...

My goals for 2020! I absolutely love setting goals and making lists. Even if I don't end up following through, I can imagine it. And writing them down at least makes me try. This year, I have a couple of big things planned. Here goes:

Goal #1. Write a blog post every single day.

I know I've said this umpteenth times over the last few years, but I never really felt like my heart was in it. The desire to write was there, but I didn't have anything I desired to write about, if that makes sense. In 2013, I wrote a post every single day, and it helped me so much! It was therapeutic in a way.

My life has changed quite a bit over the years, so I don't expect I'll be writing the same things. Back then, I used to just recap my days (and I do kind of miss that). But since my life has gone in all sorts of directions and I have several different interests now, I'd like to branch out and write about those things.

My blog started as a weight loss/maintenance blog, and in 2020, I'd definitely like to make that a focus again. I really want to drop this extra weight and I feel like I'm ready to put in the work (more on this later). I've also found a love for anything DIY, so I'd like to write step-by-step posts about projects I work on. I've started running again, and I have a big plan for that--which I'll write about later--but that will make appearances as well.

I will still post the occasional recipe, and I had an idea for that the other day when I was looking for a particular recipe. When I got married, my favorite aunt gifted me the city's heritage cookbooks that she'd put together and had printed.

I came from a very small town (literally two square miles) and every knew everybody. Lots of the townspeople submitted their best recipes, and my aunt put together the cookbooks. So, my idea is to choose a heritage recipe from the books once a week and cook it, share the recipe, and my thoughts on it. The other day I came across a cake recipe from 1890 that I thought would be fun to try!

Jerry and I have continued to stick with our budget, and so I'd like to write some more finance posts. Things change here and there (Eli got expensive braces, we had to pay for a future class trip to Washington D.C., and there have been other things that we've had to re-budget; so I'd like to update that stuff). I've also learned to maximize the benefits we get from credit cards, and it's been awesome.

I still love seeing before and after photos of things, and I miss doing Transformation Tuesday posts! So, please please please send me some pictures--before and after photos of anything at all. A piece of furniture you restored, a new haircut, your pet before/after adoption, weight loss, etc. You can read about how to submit them here.

When I asked on Facebook recently of what you'd like to read more of, several people said they'd like to read guest posts by Jerry. He would love to do that, but he says he's a terrible writer and he wouldn't know what to say. So, I was thinking that if you have a question for him, you can email the question and then he'll answer questions in a post every once in a while. (I created an email for it--you can send your questions to askjerry (at) runsforcookies (dot) com.

On the occasions that I don't feel like I have anything to write about, I am coming up with a list of writing prompts. I'm going to put each of them on a slip of paper into a jar and I'll draw one when I need a topic.

And when I'm really just not feeling like writing, or I don't have the time that day, I might just post a simple picture for the day with a short caption. I hope not to do that often, but I really do want to make daily blog posts a routine for 2020.

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Goal #2: Reach a "normal" BMI (body mass index) before I hit my 10-year weight loss anniversary. 

I started losing weight on August 19, 2009, and I was 253 pounds. My weight has had lots of ups and downs over the last 10 years, but I've not come anywhere close to my starting weight (or even the 200's) since then. (You can see my weigh-ins chart here.) I reached a "normal" BMI on August 15, 2010 (a year later, almost to the day). So, I think it would be really cool to be back at 144 or less by August 15, 2020. And it's certainly do-able with some lifestyle changes.


The first one... and this is a MAJOR one... give up ice cream for a year. Just like I vowed last year to give up alcohol for a year, I want this to be a major goal. I've come to rely on ice cream like I did alcohol (a comfort) and I know it's wreaked havoc on my weight. So, I am declaring loud and proud that I will not be eating ice cream (with one exception) for 2020.

The exception is that I can have McDonald's ice cream cones or sundaes. I know that sounds really odd, but when we first started budgeting our money, the family and I would go out for ice cream at McDonald's now and then--their cones are only $1 each, and their sundaes are less than $2. While they're not healthy, they are a million times better than pints of Ben & Jerry's and Haagen Dazs. Not to mention cheaper!

As far as my diet... this is also major (at least for January).

As you know, I've been doing the MAF heart rate training when I run. However, the heart rate training is only one part of endurance training as far as the MAF method. There are three parts: Nutrition, Exercise, and Stress.

I am challenging myself to do all three in January. The nutrition part starts with a two week test that is completely against everything I've ever said about "dieting"; however, it's literally a "test" for your body to figure out what foods work the best for you as far as negative symptoms you may be experiencing.

Since I haven't been feeling great lately, and I've had chronic pain for the last few years, insomnia, bloating sometimes, etc., I think that I can handle a two-week test to see if there are particular foods that are causing it. It's essentially an elimination diet, and then you add foods back in one by one (one per day after the two weeks are up) taking note of whether symptoms return.

The catch? It's a super low-carb diet. I swore I'd never eat low carb! And I don't plan to after these two weeks. I don't want a lifestyle where I can't have carbs. I believe in moderation. However, I also want to see if changing up the things I eat will help me to be the best me in 2020.

The test is obviously going to be very challenging for me! I have always been against low-carb diets, but this is only a two-week test. Then I will add carbs back in one by one to see how I feel. If certain foods make me feel crappy, then I will know which ones they are and hopefully, I will feel crappy enough to want to avoid eating them.

You can read all about the two week test (for carbohydrate intolerance, according to Dr. Maffetone, who developed the MAF endurance training method) on his website here. I spent a couple of hours reading through all the comments--it was actually really interesting and made me very curious whether this may help me learn about my body.

Along with the two-week carbohydrate intolerance test, I'm going to follow the MAF endurance program right to the letter. Dr. Maffetone developed a series of surveys on his site (or phone app) that determine your risk factors for certain diseases and ailments as well as your MAF heart rate. I scored terribly on all of the surveys, and according to those, I'm basically going to die a horrible death tonight in my sleep.

Jerry scored poorly, too, so we are going to do this experiment together. We'll do the two-week elimination diet and then we'll spend the rest of January experimenting with adding back foods to our diets to see what works well with our bodies. I'm hopeful that this will help with the digestive symptoms that Jerry's been having, too.

Depending on the results of our January plan, I'll determine an approach to moving forward with weight loss. I'm hoping that this two-week test will give me a good idea of works well for my body and help me to get back to eating healthier. I've never been a super healthy eater, but I would love to feed my body well to be the best me in 2020!

The first step for the program is to do a MAF run test. For me (based on my answers to the surveys) it consisted of a 12-minute warm-up (basically walking so that my heart rate very gradually gets up to MAF); then running at my MAF rate for 2 miles; then a 12-minute cool down. (Dr. Maffetone REALLY stresses that the warm-up and cool down parts are crucial to having success with the training.)

The hardest part about this is going to be that the app calculated my MAF rate at 133! I've been using 146 bpm for the last three months. The reason for the change (again, due to my answers on the surveys) is likely because I take medication daily (for bipolar) and taking regular medication automatically gives you a lower MAF rate. So, with a rate of 133 bpm, I am fully expecting to have to walk some, if not most or even ALL of my workouts until I start seeing some progress.

(Jerry and I did our MAF test today, so I will write about that tomorrow.)

After the MAF run test, the training workouts (for me) are to start with a 12-minute warm-up, then run for 30 minutes at 133 bpm heart rate, and then end with a 12-minute cool down.

The 133 heart rate is going to be very hard for me to do without getting frustrated, but I want to commit fully to his method so I'm going to comply. On tomorrow's post about our MAF run test, I'll write about how it went with the 133 heart rate. I like that I'll be running every other day. It'll take nearly an hour, but the whole workout is going to feel very easy on my body.

I will also write more about the two-week test (diet) as I go. Today is the first day, but I'd like to document each day just the little things I may notice. The list of foods is very restrictive, but I think I can manage to get by--it's only two weeks!

ANYWAYS, I will write as much as I can about the carbohydrate intolerance (CI) two-week test and I'll try to document about it as I go. I'm very curious to see what happens!

Today, I took down my weight, my body measurements, body fat percentage, took a full-length photo, did the MAF run test, prepped some food, and started the CI test. It's a lot! Let's hope I stick with it and see some progress. I'm going to do it all again on February 1st (not the two-week CI test, but documenting my numbers and things). And I'll post the results.

This was a very long-winded way of saying that I'm trying something new as far as my nutrition and learnings what's best for my body... again, to be the best me in 2020!


Goal #3. Prepare for my big running goal.

In 2008, I walked my first ever race--a half-marathon in Indianapolis called the Indy Mini. I had NO fucking clue what I was getting myself into. Then in 2009, I walked the same race, only I was even heavier--my heaviest, actually, of 253 pounds. That's where my infamous "before" photo of me in the blue shirt and black pants was taken. I vowed that the following year, I wouldn't be the fattest person in the race. (Or, at least, the "fat girl" in our group).

I walked it again in 2010, at 165 pounds, feeling fantastic. My older brother had run it, and I remember him jokingly telling Jen (my sister's friend) that they were going to go "sub-2:00" next year. At the time, I had no idea what that meant; I just knew that seeing that they had RUN the race made me want to set a goal to run it myself the following year. It felt like a pipe dream, but I was pretty determined.

It was then that I became a runner. After I was able to work my way up to three miles on my own, I started following training plans. In 2011, I started half-marathon training for the race. (It was in April 2011 that I started writing Runs for Cookies, too!) And on the first Saturday of May in 2011, I ran my first half marathon. I finished in 2:10:40 (a 9:59/mile pace) and I felt great! Running a half marathon "sub-2:00" was a goal I later set (and met!), but for that first one, I just wanted to finish. And I felt so proud of it!

While the 10-year anniversary of running (not walking) my first half-marathon is a long way off (May 2021), I am going to officially set that as a goal to work toward. I'd like to run that same race (The Indianapolis 500 Festival Mini Marathon) the first Saturday in May of 2021, with a finish time under 2:10:40, and at a weight of less than 144 pounds.

I'm going to invite any of my family or friends who may want to join me in celebrating the huge milestone. I'd like to make it a big deal; if I make a big thing of it, then I'll be much more likely to follow through with it! Jerry has already said he'd like to do it with me. I'm going to see my sister tonight, so I'll see if she's interested.

The good part about it being so far away is that I have lots of time to do this MAF heart rate training. With a MAF heart rate of 133 bpm, it's going to take me MONTHS to even be able to run the entire workout. However, I do believe this program will work if I have the patience for it. So, I want to follow it right to the letter (as a sort of experiment, I guess) to get in my best shape possible for the race.

That race changed my life in so many ways, and I can't think of a better way to celebrate 10 years. So, even though the race is nearly a year and a half from now, I'm going to work the training plan. I want to get in shape slowly and carefully--no injuries, no burnout, just a structured plan that I'll follow.

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Those are my major goals with lots of steps to take in order to make them happen. I also have other mini goals (basically habits I'd like to set). To work on this, I have a brand new planner (the same planner I wrote about before, only I got a brand new one for the new year).

Included in those habits are things like drinking lots of water, reading 30 minutes a day, flossing daily, taking a daily vitamin, etc. Jerry and I would also like to plan a date night once a month, and I'd like to implement family nights now and then. I'm going to use that planner to track (and obviously plan) all of these things.

I've also finally started working on a vision board. I've been wanting to make one forever, and I am just a perfectionist about it, so I never really get started. I need to not care if it's not perfect and just do it.

Finally, I'll continue to work on my 40 Goals by 40 Years Old List. I've completed several goals, but I still have a lot to work on. So I'll continue to chip away at those--I only have a little over two years left! My 38th birthday is on the 25th of this month.

While my list may seem overwhelming, I've actually been working on for a few months, trying to set myself up to succeed as best as possible. Hopefully I'll be updating frequently, considering I'll be blogging every day ;)

Anyone else have some goals for 2020 that you'd like to share?

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My Top 19 Moments of 2019

When I started the tradition of writing this New Year's Eve post, it was 2011. Each year, I've added one more item, and it gets rather difficult to choose more and more "top" moments of the year. This year is especially difficult, because it wasn't a very exciting year. I spent a lot of time working on projects (which I love and am proud of!) but as far as my top moments, I had to sort through photos to remember.

In no particular order, I present My Top 19 of 2019:

1. Finally finishing the complete DIY remodel of my house! The kitchen was definitely the most dramatic change, and I am thrilled with how it turned out. I feel so proud that I did about 95% of it by myself.

2. Befriending the squirrels, and gaining their trust. They are such amazing animals! It started with just one squirrel a couple of years ago, Tuck, who eventually started to take nuts out of my hand (after a long time of gaining his trust). He must have told all his friends, because now we regularly have about six squirrels that come around every day for walnuts, pecans, hazelnuts, almonds, and peanuts.

I learned that squirrels have individual personalities and they are so much fun to watch. At first, I thought they all looked identical; but now we (Eli and I, at least) can tell them apart and we've named them.

3. Getting to see Aaron win his final race on my cross country team. He'd been on the team longer than anyone (since second grade, and he's in fifth now). I've always loved coaching him because he was one of the few kids who really put his full effort into the races and was always willing to go to the extra mile (literally) at practice.

The best part of this season with Aaron was watching him not only win our first race, but beat "Ferris", the kids he'd been chasing for three seasons! Ferris always placed one or two ahead of Aaron (who was usually in the top five or ten overall), and each year, I gave Aaron the goal to beat Ferris at a race. After the first race this season, I told him I can retire happy ;)

4. Having the honor of knitting this stocking for my friends (Eric and Maris) who had a baby this year. Maris's aunt knitted a stocking from this pattern for Maris when she was young, and then one for Eric when they were married. Well, her aunt can't knit anymore (I'm assuming arthritis?) and Maris had posted on Facebook one day a photo of the stockings, asking if anyone would be able to knit one for Ada, their new baby.

I get really nervous about making things for other people, because I want it to be perfect and I tend to just focus on the flaws. I also hadn't knitted anything with fair-isle color work in about a decade. However, the responses she got on Facebook were saying that they may be able to crochet it, or they might have a friend who could do it, etc.

So, I volunteered--I was happy to do something for Maris, because she was so kind to me when I was going through a bad period of anxiety and mild depression. She is really into essential oils, so she mixed up a "potion" (haha) to help with anxiety. Whether it actually works or not, just the gesture really made me feel good. So, being able to knit this for her felt nice. (I haven't actually given it to her yet! Hopefully this week.)

5. Accidentally finding these baby bunnies in the backyard (thankfully before Eli cut the grass!). Could they be any cuter?! (I could have sworn I wrote about this, but it must have just been on Instagram.) Finding them made me want to research rabbit nests, and I learned that rabbits like to make their nests in the middle of fields because they are basically hiding in plain sight (larger prey usually like to stay hidden).

The mom rabbit digs a hole for the babies, and covers it with fur and dried grass (it literally looked like a patch of dried grass on the ground--Eli only uncovered it because he saw a little fur and hoped he hadn't run something over with the lawnmower). The mom will usually only go to the nest to feed the babies once or twice a day so that she doesn't draw attention to it.

We covered it back up and I checked on them two more times (like a lot of people, I was worried they'd been abandoned, until I read up on them). But they were growing just fine! I saw the mom one time, and that was when a squirrel got a little too close--mama ran over and chased the squirrel away.

When I checked on them the final time, they weren't in the hole anymore, but scattered around it. The grass had gotten long in that spot, because we set stakes up so no one would cut the grass there. They were old enough and big enough to be on their own. It was so fun seeing them and learning about them!

6. Watching Eli play baseball all spring, summer, and fall. I feel like the only mom that goes and really gets into watching the games, but I love it. I even bought a scorebook to keep score (I happen to really enjoy doing it). Eli was the best catcher on all three teams he played on, and I was so proud every time I'd hear a parent or someone say, "Dang, that catcher has a good arm!" or something like that.

However, his fall baseball coach told us that he needs to work on hitting if he wants to continue to play on the team--Eli was hitting great in school ball, but once he played on the fall team with all the kids who play travel ball, he had a harder time hitting the different types of pitches.

For Christmas, Jerry and I paid for a one-on-one coaching lesson from a former Detroit Tiger, and his lesson is this Thursday. His confidence was really down about not being able to continue with the fall team through the winter, and it was heartbreaking for me. So, I really hope that this lesson will help (and if it does, maybe we'll do another for his birthday present; his birthday is January 7th).

7. Getting a lesson from dad in how to change the oil in my car, as well as checking the levels of the other fluids. My dad has been a car mechanic his whole life, and I wanted to learn it from him before he's not able to teach me. I wish I'd asked to watch him work on cars years ago, so I could learn to do it all myself. I can't tell you how much money I've saved over the years every time I've had to fix something with a car. Having a dad who is an auto mechanic is fantastic!

Anyway, not only did I get to learn how to do all that (the question is will I remember it??) but I got to have some cool bonding time with my dad. We don't have a lot in common, so it was fun.

8. Having a successful cross country season, even though I lost Renee as a co-coach before the season started. We'd started the team together five years ago, and this was my first solo season. I was so worried I was going to screw things up! She'd always taken care of the paperwork and administrative side of things with the school, and I just planned the training schedules.

Thankfully, partly due to a smaller team, I only had fourth and fifth graders this year, just to make sure I could handle it. It was great being able to really get to know the kids better than I had in the past. With a team of 30+, it's hard enough just making sure they are on task. With just 12 this season, I could focus on each kid's strengths and weaknesses.

9. Speaking of cross country, another "top" of 2019 was the generosity of so many blog readers. I had no idea when I posted the link to the Amazon Wish List I created for the team that so many people would donate awards and training gear! It was AMAZING, and I got so emotional every time another package was delivered.

The kids LOVED the different awards--the compression socks were the hottest item, I think--and it made them work harder. If there was an item they wanted, they had to earn it in various ways. I can't say thank you enough for the donations!

I also want to mention the donation of your old Garmin watches--we used them at every practice and it made keeping track of mileage so much easier! THANK YOU SO MUCH to all of you who donated a watch, a gift card, or something from our list. It was appreciated more than I can describe.

10. This completely random practical joke that my dad played on me. It's a little lengthy to describe the whole thing here, but I wrote all about it on this post. It was so random and hilarious!

11. Making a bed frame from scratch for Noah. He needed a new bed frame, but I just couldn't find one I liked. He frequently sat up on his bed to do homework, and I thought a daybed would be cool, if I could find one that wasn't too girly. Well, they're insanely expensive!

So, I headed to Lowe's and bought the materials to make my own. He loved it, and it's a very solid piece of furniture. I also made it tall enough for quite a bit of storage underneath, if needed. Here is the post with the details.

12. This one is so odd, and kind of dumb, but I just had to include it if I am being honest about my Top 19. I was SO excited when I found this Paslode finish nailer (Amazon affiliate link) on Facebook Marketplace. It's a very expensive tool to buy new (just under $400), and I knew I'd never be able to justify spending that much on one. I'd been borrowing one from my brother as I worked on the house.

Anyway, I saw one on Facebook Marketplace for $110--which included not only the nailer, but THREE batteries, the charger, a nice carrying case, three fuel cells, and about $100 or more worth of finishing nails of various sizes. It was an insane deal!

It was insane enough that I immediately messaged them saying I wanted it and I'd pick it up the following morning. It was a two-hour drive into Ohio, but I listened to my favorite podcasts and I really enjoyed driving the back roads (to the middle of nowhere, honestly).

I was so thrilled with the find! I now love having reasons to be able to use it. And it feels so odd, but my dad actually asked to borrow a tool from ME for once, and not the other way around, haha.

On the way home, I had to pee SO badly, and I saw a sign for a rest area. Holy cow, this was an experience in and of itself. You can read about that (and see the surprise on the inside of that building, haha) on this post ;)

13. As a parent, this was a challenge for me--but I sent my kids on an airplane all by themselves to go visit my parents who were vacationing in Hilton Head, SC. I was grateful that I could go with them to the gate and that my parents would be waiting at the gate in SC, but I was still an anxious parent. It didn't help that there was a horrible snowstorm (in April!) on the way home from the airport, and it took much longer to get home.

When I got home, I saw a text saying that the flight was delayed and they'd been sitting in the plane all that time! I desperately wanted to talk to them. I'm so glad that Delta has free texting, because the kids were able to text me from the plane. They had fun, and they felt very grown up traveling by themselves!

14. I've raved about it a trillion times now on my blog, but buying a Kindle Paperwhite (Amazon affiliate link) this year was life-changing. I've read more books since getting the Paperwhite than I had in about a decade--I bought it in April, and I've read 13 books on it since then--including three books that were over 1,000 pages! For someone who was not a reader, the simple act of switching to a Paperwhite instead of paperback turned that right around. Here is a pretty recent list of books I've read.

15. When my kids were in Hilton Head, Jerry and I took Luke to see PJ Masks at the Fox Theatre in Detroit (with a yummy dinner at McDonald's first, of course!). It was super fun to get to spend some time doing something special with Luke, and I loved watching him dance along to the songs. I know he won't remember that day, but Jerry and I always will!

16. As a total surprise, Amazon dropped off a package addressed to the following:

It was obviously for me from Jerry, and when I opened it, I was so excited to see this squirrel shirt! It was extremely thoughtful--not only am I obsessed with squirrels, but it's a bit retro looking, which is very much my style. It's rare that Jerry can pull off a surprise for me (usually when he buys me something, he can't help himself but tell me the second he orders it, haha).

17. Going muskie (also spelled musky) fishing with Eli and a family friend, Andy. Eli's biggest dream in life is to catch a muskie (a ginormous fish that is basically a fresh water shark). They are known as the "fish of 10,000 casts" because you literally just cast over and over again with a lure the size of your arm and reel it in until you catch one.

Lake St. Clair, about an hour and 15 minutes from our house, is frequently referred to as "the best muskie lake on the planet" by fishing websites and magazines. I was considering paying for a charter trip for Eli (and the rest of our family, but basically for him), which is an insane amount of money ($700!). When my sister heard that, she asked Shawn's best friend if he could take Eli out on Lake St. Clair because he fishes there every so often and he's caught several muskie. He was so kind to agree!

I wanted to go along in case Eli caught one, so I could witness it and take photos and all that. Andy's girlfriend was with us, so I spent the time getting to know her while the guys fished. We were out on the lake all day, and usually, I hate being on a boat. Eli and I are total opposites in that respect. But I desperately wanted him to catch a muskie.

He didn't get to hook one that day, but Andy hooked two and gave his pole to Eli to reel them in. Eli was super excited! He doesn't "count" it as catching his first muskie, but he loved the experience and I loved getting to see him in his element. Andy is going to take him out again next year.

18. Speaking of firsts, I had the pleasure of being with Noah when he drove on the expressway for the first time. As an anxious mess in normal circumstances, I'm surprised how calm I was while he was driving! Of course, I'd put a magnet saying "Please be patient... student driver" on the back of my car ;)

Just the fact that Noah is old enough to be driving is crazy to me! I cannot believe how fast the last 15 years have gone. It's bittersweet. I'm super proud of the teen he's become, but I so miss his tiny little voice. I came across the sweetest video while I was watching some home movies on Christmas. He was in line to walk into preschool, and he turned around and said, "Bye Mama! I will miss you!" These days, it's clear he's embarrassed of me sometimes, but what teen doesn't go through that phase?

19. I decided to end with this photo, because I felt SO content and happy in this moment. I was sitting alone, people-watching, with a peppermint mocha latte in hand (I never ever buy Starbucks, so I don't know what possessed me that day).

The weather was nice and I wasn't worried about anything. My anxiety was the lowest it'd been for as long as I could remember. The moment didn't last forever--I only sat there for 30 minutes or so--but I snapped a selfie so that I could remember how I felt in that moment.

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And there it is! My favorite 19 moments of 2019. (I'm sure there are lots that don't come to mind, simply because I don't have photos of them. Usually, the best moments go without being captured on camera--as it should be! When having fun, pulling out a phone tends to break it up.


Anyway, per tradition, I like to do the same "fun facts" every year on this post, so here goes:

I ran 182.6 miles this year, down from 279.16 miles last year. Rather than feeling ashamed of this number, I feel proud. Over the last 13 weeks, I ran 3+ miles three times per week. And I feel like I got my running mojo back!

The food I consumed the most of this year was definitely ice cream. Since I quit drinking on January 1st, 2019, I found a replacement that is almost as unhealthy. Since I was able to quit drinking for a whole year (which I am working on a post about), I am going to see if I can go a whole year without ice cream in 2020 (the only exception being a cone or sundae from McDonald's). I'll write more about that on my Goals for 2020 post tomorrow.

My most memorable meal was dill pickle pizza. I LOVE dill pickles, and when I came across this recipe on Pinterest, I decided to give it a try. It was AH-MAZING. If you try it, make sure you make it as-written. It wouldn't be nearly as good with any substitutions!

My current favorite breakfast is toast with butter or coconut oil.

My current favorite TV Show is Shameless. It's been a favorite since the day I watched the pilot ages ago, but this season has made me laugh out loud so many times. I can't get enough!

My current favorite evening treat is ice cream (surprise surprise).

What I am most looking forward to in 2020? Working on my health! Like I mentioned in yesterday's post, I have plans to work on feeling better in general. I know my diet has a lot to do with it (as well as the extra weight) and I want to work hard on that in 2020. In August, it'll be 10 years since I reached a "normal" BMI, and I want to be back there before that anniversary!

Happy New Year, Friends! I'll be toasting the new year with non-alcoholic sparkling wine ;)

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3-3-3 Running: Done! A Recap of the Last Three Months (and moving forward...)

Well, I made it!! I ran three miles three times per week for three months.

I missed doing a recap of Week 12, and since I was already halfway into Week 13, I figured I'd just wait until I was done and put it all together.

For anyone new, 3-3-3 running (in a nutshell) is: Running 3 miles, 3 days per week, for 3 months. My friend Thomas suggested this to me when I expressed interested in running again (after a two year hiatus), but was having such a hard time committing to it. He had to take a year off due to psoriatic arthritis, and when he got back into running, that's how he did it... 3-3-3.

I chose to do heart rate training based on Dr. Phil Maffetone's 180 formula. I used his method in 2015-2016 when training for a 10K PR and it worked so well that I wanted to do it again. However, since I was so out of shape to begin with three months ago, I decided to do ALL of the runs at my MAF heart rate and no speed work at all (which is actually what he suggests--the idea is to build your cardio system by training at a low heart rate, even if it means walking.)

The data from all this is going to be screwed up a little lot, so I'll explain that as I go.

First, I started on September 30th with a MAF heart rate of 143 beats per minute (180 minus my age, which is 37). However, I listened to Dr. Maffetone on a podcast explaining that the formula can be slightly off from that for various reasons, and since I had such good results with a heart rate of 146 bpm in 2015-2016, I ended up changing it a couple of weeks into this current training period.

So, my pace was slower for the first couple of weeks due to the fact that I was keeping a lower heart rate. Once I changed the MAF heart rate to 146 bpm, I felt more comfortable with my stride and I was able to go (slightly) faster.

The biggest problem with all this data is the discrepancy regarding running on the treadmill versus running outside. The distance on my Garmin is completely inaccurate when I run on my treadmill (on my Garmin, running at 5.0 mph will show the same pace as running 4.5 mph, for example, even though I can feel a big change in the speed).

Also, I was never sure if my treadmill's distance was correct. I did a test recently, which I feel is pretty accurate based on the way I did it, but rather than correct the distance after each run, I decided to log the distance that is on the treadmill. If the test I did was, in fact, accurate, I was actually running slightly farther and faster than the treadmill showed; but to be safe, we'll just call the distance on the treadmill at face value.

The timer on the treadmill, however, is too fast. For every 10 real minutes that pass, the treadmill will show that roughly 10:10 has passed. That's a big difference! So, I used the timer on my Garmin (which is 100% correct) and the distance on my treadmill (which is close enough) for the results.

HOWEVER, making it even more complicated, I did not do that for the first few weeks. I was assuming my Garmin was more accurate than the treadmill, so I didn't log what the treadmill said; I just logged what was on my Garmin. I have no idea how far the actual distance I ran was, except that it was most likely more than what my data shows.

Basically, what I'm saying is, the treadmill data from the whole month of October is garbage 😂

I feel that the most accurate data comes from outdoor GPS runs, and unfortunately, I didn't do many of those. For some reason, I developed anxiety about running outdoors and it causes my heart rate to be higher.

Here is a chart of all the data from when I started the 3-3-3 plan (you can click to enlarge it, but it's basically a bunch of numbers that aren't at all helpful; the yellow highlighted runs are the outdoor ones):

You can tell when I started watching the TV show 24 while running because I started running more than my required 3 miles, hahaha. I wanted to finish the episodes, which are roughly 40-42 minutes long.

When I did graphs of my pace (separately for the indoor and outdoor runs, just to be more consistent) it wasn't very helpful either. There IS a slight trend of my pace getting faster, though, which is encouraging. The red line is the overall trend, and the slope downward means I got a little faster.

This first graph shows just the outdoor runs, and begins with the first outdoor run on 10/4/19. My median pace outdoors for the three months was 13:13/mile. (I thought median would be more helpful than average in this case.)

And here is my mess of treadmill data (which I started counting from 10/31, after I started logging the distance shown on the treadmill).  So, this is only the last two months of data. I'm glad to see the overall trend being faster, but I guess it's a lot like weight loss--many ups and downs due to different variables. My median pace for the treadmill was 12:50/mile.

Unless I consistently run outside using GPS, with similar variables, it would be very hard to get accurate, helpful data.

Thoughts about the last three months:

I definitely don't dread running as much as I used to. I still have the "I don't wanna" feels before a run, but it's nothing like before. Occasionally, I look forward to it! And I always feel good afterward.

I hoped to see a bigger improvement, but like I said, the data is so inconsistent that I can't really put too much thought into that. I've been reading Dr. Maffetone's Big Book on Endurance Training, and I'd completely forgotten about doing the MAF test run. I wish I'd have remembered. I'll write more about that later.

Running at such a slow pace was frustrating at times--I felt good most of the time and wanted to speed up, but as soon as my watch beeped that my heart rate was too high, I'd have to slow down. I did not "cheat" on that part at all, however. I consistently did everything in my power to keep my heart rate below MAF.

Despite the slower pace, I really enjoy using the MAF method because it's not miserable. I don't have to gasp for breath, and I don't feel like my legs are going to buckle. While it doesn't feel like a cakewalk, it definitely feels like I could keep going for a long time. Besides, it's nice to have an excuse for a slow pace ;)

Doing this 3-3-3 running plan has made me want to continue running. I didn't look at the final run of the third month as an "end" to the goal. It was the beginning of refreshing the old habit I used to have--running regularly. I feel better about myself when I'm "a runner".

Moving forward from here...

After diving into his book, I want to jump in with both feet for January as far as the MAF method goes (this includes nutrition and lifestyle). This is going to be a HUGE challenge, but I feel ready to take it on. It's going to take an entire post for the explanation, so I will do that later this week.

As far as the running goes, it will continue very similarly to what I've been doing. I definitely want to keep running, and after reading more about the MAF method, I've changed my mind about how I'd planned to do things (adding in speed work). At least for a while. But I'll still continue running at MAF heart rate (running 3-4 days per week).

I'd really like to do more outdoor running, so I'm going to try to make myself do that at least once a week. It's going to be really hard in January and February here in Michigan! I've turned into such a baby about the cold.

Anyway, I'm very glad that I did this 3-3-3 plan (thanks, Thomas!) and I feel good about continuing to run into 2020 :)

Here are all of the (mostly) weekly recap posts of 3-3-3 in case you're interested.

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