December 14, 2022

Wednesday Weigh-In: Week 81

As I promised last week, I was going to weigh in today no matter what. I'd been avoiding the scale because I knew that my weight was going up and I just didn't want to face the actual number. Which is dumb, really, because it's not like the number is going to be any different whether I look at it or not!

I didn't have a great week like I'd hoped to, but I got on the scale anyways and it definitely showed.

I don't want to do the math, but that's quite a bit gained in the last couple of months!

At first, I was disgusted with myself. I felt the familiar self-hatred that comes with my not feeling in control of myself. I had a pity party and I complained to Jerry, telling him all the horrible things about myself that I know I shouldn't say. But I was unhappy. I was pissed at myself for letting my weight get this out of hand, especially in such a short amount of time.

I just decided to lie down and curl into a ball with a blanket over me and feel sorry for myself. I laid like that for about an hour and a half, feeling completely angry with myself. (My therapist wanted me to identify my emotions in these circumstances--and I mostly feel anger, sadness, disappointment, fear, and worst of all, self-hatred.)

Before anyone tells me to be kind to myself or that I shouldn't feel this way, it's something I just can't help. It's like when you're anxious about something and someone tells you, "Well, don't worry about it!" If I could turn off the emotions, I would! But hopefully, that's what I will practice in therapy. I am trying--I truly am.

Anyway, after lying there for a while, I had this idea. I don't want to call it an epiphany or even an "aha!" moment, because it wasn't anything profound. But I started thinking about how nothing was going to change unless *I* took the steps to change it. Nobody was going to come and "fix" things for me. The weight isn't going to lose itself, and my body isn't going to go for a run unless I put on my running shoes and start running. My laundry won't fold itself, the bathroom closet won't miraculously build its own shelves, and the dining room table and chairs won't paint themselves. You get the idea.

So I realized how obvious it is that I need to make these things happen. They clearly can't all happen at one time, but if I take the time to work on a single project at once, they'll eventually get done. There is no time constraint. Of course, I'd like my bedroom and house put back together as soon as possible, but what is the big deal if it takes a little longer?

I made the decision to do the best that I could do right at that moment to better my life (or at least work my way out of my funk). And you know what I did? I went for a run! I left all the chores untouched, threw on some running clothes, and headed out for three miles. My legs felt like lead and it felt HARD, but I felt really good for doing it. And I even stopped to take a selfie (using the timer on my phone) by the lake--I was very surprised at how good it turned out!

And when I got home, I decided to do something else to better my situation right now: I prepped a bunch of dinners. I made some barley, a couple of blocks of tofu, and an Asian garlic sauce; then I divided it up into six portions to put in the freezer.

That way, when I am hungry for dinner and I'm home alone or I just don't want what the family wants, I can pull one out and microwave it. I used to eat my own dinners all the time before Jerry became vegan. Jerry also prepped his own dinners yesterday by making a tofu bolognese sauce wish pasta--something that's easy for him to pull out of the freezer when he needs a lunch for work. The kitchen was a disaster when we were done, but it felt so good to have accomplished that.

I also made a ton of spice blends to have on hand to save time when I want to make something in a hurry:

These are all blends that we use frequently: vegan bouillon powder (it makes tofu and other things taste like chicken), tofu scramble seasoning, mock Red Robin fries seasoning, Indian spiced potatoes seasoning, cheesy garlic blend (which is like a parmesan substitute), popcorn seasoning, vegan mac and cheese powder, and fajita seasoning. It will be so nice not to have to mix things up as needed!

After that, I kept going... I tackled the mountain of laundry that has piled up while I've been working on painting the bathroom and bedroom. I folded everything and put it away. I still hadn't written my blog post, but instead of feeling stressed out about it, I calmly sat down and wrote it. Finally, I took a shower and got nice and clean in my pajamas before bed.

And just like that, my mood had turned around. My weight obviously didn't change that day, but I felt so much lighter. I started thinking of other ways that I can make myself feel good now--painting my nails, dressing in jeans instead of leggings, doing my hair and make-up, going for runs, and making plans with people. Those are all things that I can do to put myself in a good mood, and work on creating the life I want.

It's not to say that I don't want to lose weight; I do want to get my weight back down to where it's comfortable. But my happiness definitely doesn't need to depend on that. Pouting and self-hatred aren't going to make me lose weight. The weight isn't going to lose itself, so all I can do is my best to make good choices today and hopefully see that pay off. But in the meantime, at least I can feel happy with the life I have at the moment, and do what I can to make things easier/less overwhelming!


  1. Something that I’ve been trying to do this year is remember that I can’t beat myself into being healthy/productive/happy/successful. I have to think of it in terms of, I will do xyz for myself first. Then I will focus on work/other people. Water, movement, a vegetable, fresh air, sunlight - something I’m putting into eye ring myself has to come first. If I constantly try to focus on my list of all the crap I have to do, and I add that list with the list I need to do for myself, it feels insane. They’re not the same list. My list has to come first, it gets to come first, because like you said, I’m literally the only one who can do anything on that list. So try thinking of it like you’re putting these things you want to do for yourself before you’re doing all that other shit. Because literally at the end of the day if your shelf takes another day, it takes another day. But if you make yourself feel better, that’s more important, and wouldn’t you rather be working on the shelf when you feel good, rather than feeling punished?

  2. That's so awesome! Gosh it always feels SO good to check things off the list! You've actually inspired me to put my laundry away tonight after work! (It might be 4 weeks worth piled up into baskets, oops lol) It's so true though that the time I spend worrying about my to-do list, if I would just get up and tackle some of the items, the list would be so much better and less worry would be involved! Also, that is such a great picture of you by the lake!! You look amazing!!

  3. Thank you always for your vulnerability and especially for telling us what you DON'T need which is to be told to change your thoughts or emotions. That's actually impossible. People try. Gurus will tell you to do it, but what happens in reality is exactly what happened here. You let go. You curled up in that ball and probably relaxed at a level you haven't in a very long time. And in that stillness (it might not have felt still), something shifted. The meditation term for that is impermanence. We rarely stay still (inside) long enough to notice it. Or we reject it because it seems too simple. You didn't reject it. You noticed and it moved you into action. More hugs on the way from that state down south. You really are perfect just as you are and sorry, I can't stop saying that any more than you can stop saying that you're not. *wink wink* Also, thanks for the reminder about food prep. I don't know why I resist that. It makes life so much easier.

  4. Lapses happen. What do they takes 7 tries to beat an addiction? It is such a struggle. I truly believe I have an addiction to processed foods and I will have it for the rest of my life. I get stressed; I eat foods I know I shouldn't eat that make me feel bad. I know that eating healthy foods and exercising make me feel good and doing the opposite makes me feel crappy. So why do I do the opposite? I don't know....all I can do is do it one day at a time. So proud of your share.

  5. I love this, Katie. The picture of you by the lake is so beautiful. It's amazing how little things can turn our days around. Hoping for many more moments like this for you :)

  6. Katie, Your struggle is so real and so relatable. Thank you for sharing the struggle because when you do, you are not only helping yourself, but you are helping your readers as well. I feel inspired. So weird, to be inspired by such pain and suffering, but you are working through it and dare I say conquering the issues. You are one of my favorite people on the planet, that I've never met. :)

  7. thank you for being vulnerable with us. i've been struggling as well and someone shared this with me: make a list of everything that is overwhelming me that needs to get done. then write down by each item the approx amount of time it will take to accomplish each one and start with the least amount of timed item and go in order from least to greatest amount of time. they also suggested to take a break after each task so that i don't burn out. that way things are quickly getting marked off the list and will help with my anxiety/overwhelmed feeling. they even suggested that if i write 10 minutes on laundry (for example) and it only takes 5, then work for 5 minutes on the next thing on the list. they claim before i know it, everything will be done and i will feel a sense of accomplishment.

    so i asked what if i say something takes longer than what i write down. they said to evaluate how i feel and if i can keep going, finish it. if not, stop and go back to it when i can.

    i don't know if this helps you or anyone, but it is helping me mark things off a written list which helps me see things are getting done. i still have a long way to go.


I used to publish ALL comments (even the mean ones) but I recently chose not to publish those. I always welcome constructive comments/criticism, but there is no need for unnecessary rudeness/hate. But please--I love reading what you have to say! (This comment form is super finicky, so I apologize if you're unable to comment)

Featured Posts

Blog Archive