I'm struggling really badly right now with everything. My stress fracture was devastating enough when it happened in December, and then I subsequently took seven weeks off of running. That was really difficult, but I knew the end was in sight and I just focused on letting it heal.
I felt so good when I was able to run again, and I was happily building my mileage up (slowly, so that I didn't get injured again). And then out of nowhere, my fracture was back. I can't really describe my thoughts other than it felt like a switch was just turned off inside of me. I felt like my whole spirit just deflated and disappeared.
A part of me was hopeful that I just misread a little twinge in my ankle, and that the bone scan would show that my ankle was healed. But, alas, it did not. I'm grateful that the fracture isn't worse, or in my tibia; but the fact that I can't run has completely thrown off my whole routine. I know there are other exercises I could do (and I have been, occasionally); but I ran for the mental benefits as much as the physical. I don't enjoy other sports/exercises like I did running.
Running was the one thing that really kept me grounded in weight management. I had good days and bad days as far as my diet goes, but the one constant was that I would run 3+ times per week, every week. My weight has gone up and down with about 20 pounds over the last few years, but I believe that running is the reason it never continued to climb. Knowing I had a long run the next day would be enough to keep me from eating greasy food, or drinking too much wine, or whatever the case was at the time.
My weight was already up in December, when I got injured, so I couldn't afford to gain any more. But still, I struggled to get and stay on track for more than a week or so. Not being able to run + not being on track with my eating makes me feel like I did at 253 pounds. I feel out of control and unhappy.
I know all of the things I need to do to get back on track. I know how to eat well, and I know that I can do other exercises. These are so obvious to me! But I feel so defeated that I am having the hardest time actually doing it.
A friend of mine told me about how he felt depressed when he was injured for a while and couldn't run, and I completely understand that now. I've dealt with depression my whole life, but I didn't realize just how much running helped me until now. Even when I had a bad day of eating, I could go for a run and feel like a million bucks. Now, I just have to find other ways to deal with it; and unfortunately, I've been doing more emotional eating than I've done in a long time, causing my weight to start creeping up again.
I know, without a doubt, that if I can get my eating back under control, I will feel a hundred times better. Even if I don't run, I still feel good about myself when I eat well. I started a list, which I've drafted into a blog post (hopefully to post soon), about all the things I did when I was losing weight that helped me to be successful--everything from knitting at night in order to keep my hands busy to drinking a quart of water first thing in the morning. I am going to work on getting back to all those basic things that became habits for me, and helped me to stick with the weight loss for so long.
The past couple of days have been really rough for me (mentally), so today I decided that I needed to do something to feel proud of. While the kids were at church, I took my bike out for a long bike ride. I rode from my house to the State Park, around the park, and back home (a lollipop route), which totaled 15.4 miles. Even though I really didn't want to do it, I was so glad once I was in the State Park. I felt good that I'd at least made it halfway, so by the time I got home, I'd have biked over 15 miles!
I had a tailwind the first five miles, which I didn't realize until I changed direction ;) I had to slow down through the park, because there are a ton of tree roots coming up through the pavement and it's really bumpy. And the I had a STRONG headwind on the way home, which is why my speed dropped.
When I got home, my legs felt really rubbery, which was actually nice! Pedaling into the wind the last five miles was really tough, and I felt like I got a good workout. I forgot to wear my heart rate monitor, so I don't know how many calories I burned, but I mostly just wanted to feel a sense of accomplishment. And I did!
Tomorrow, Jerry and I are going to Grand Rapids with Nathan and Kendall. I'm going to do my best not to overindulge in food or drinks, and when I get home on Tuesday, I'm going to get back to my old habits (by "old", I mean when I was eating well and losing weight). It's going to be hard for the next couple of weeks, because I have two race weekends in a row; but I managed to stay completely on track for a year--including going to Indy for the Mini Marathon--so I know I can do it again. I think I just need to work on shifting my mindset onto what I can do to feel better about myself--and since I can't run, I might as well eat better!
Don't forget, tomorrow is Motivational Monday! Because I'm going to Grand Rapids, I am going to have to prepare the post early in the morning. So if you have a submission, please get it to me tonight!
Tomorrow is also the Boston Marathon--good luck to any of you who are running! My friend and Sole Mate Caitlin is running it, and I'm super excited for her, so I'll be following along on her progress.