Thursday, September 4, 2014

New size, new attitude

This has been such a busy week for us! Tomorrow, we head to Minnesota for my brother's wedding (we're just going Friday through Sunday, so it's a very quick trip). I didn't think of it when I planned our vacation--Punta Cana until Monday, kids started school Tuesday, Minnesota on Friday, wedding on Saturday. Crazy, right? But fun-crazy!

Today, I started packing, and the weather is supposed to be pretty cool--a high of 67 tomorrow, and 76 on Saturday. So I started trying on my fall clothes, particularly my jeans...

And they don't fit. There are only about two pairs that I can wear publicly.

I did have a bit of a moment, though. I had been feeling really good about myself all morning. I've been binge-free for a while, I've been eating intuitively, I even wore a bikini on vacation (that post will publish tomorrow). The scale was down again this morning, meaning my weight is up only two pounds since I left for vacation, which I am thrilled with. The point is, I was feeling confident and good.

Until I tried on my jeans.

When I got to my goal weight, I donated every pair of jeans that was even slightly too big. All of the jeans I own fit me comfortably at my goal weight (with the exception of two stretchy pairs, which are the ones that fit me now).

So when I tried on the jeans today, my mood immediately changed, and I felt like crap. I was feeling really down on myself, and feeling fat even though I felt rather thin just an hour earlier. And it was then that I realized just how stupid the whole thing was! It's not my weight that was making me feel fat and bad about myself. It's my clothes, because they're not the right size for the weight I am now.

Like I wrote recently, of course I want to get back to my goal weight (I felt the best and ran my fastest at that weight)... but right now, I'm feeling happy with what I'm doing. The intuitive eating is working, and I feel better than I have (in regards to food) in a long time. I am thrilled that I'm binge free, and that I can eat what I like without worry. If I was to stay at this weight, where I am right now, I can honestly say I'd be okay with that. I don't think I look bad, I'm healthy, and I feel confident--so it's really dumb to let some clothes ruin that!

I started to beat myself up about the clothes incident today, but stopped myself almost immediately. Instead of letting it ruin my day, and probably my trip, I decided to go to the thrift store to get some clothes that fit. I used to love thrift shopping, but since gaining the weight, I've avoided it. I kept telling myself, "When I get back to goal, I'll go again..." I really didn't want to go to Minnesota this weekend feeling bad about myself, so this afternoon, I went to the thrift store and bought a few things--a couple of pairs of jeans, and about five tops.

The jeans are very comfortable, and I was a little stunned to see they were a size 10 (the jeans in my closet are size 4). But the strange thing was, I was not at all upset by the size. Sure, I hope that by intuitive eating, my size will get back down to a 4, but for now, I am okay being a size 10. I feel good when I have these jeans on, and I don't have to squeeze into them.

I just found the whole situation today to be eye-opening. I can remember many times, at many different sizes, when I've tried on clothes and it brought me to tears. I even skipped a couple of big events when I was at my heaviest, because I just couldn't find anything to wear that fit me. When I went to the thrift store today, I decided to buy whatever was comfortable and made me feel good about myself, regardless of the size. When I got home, and I tried on the stuff I bought for Jerry, even he could see the change in my attitude. (He's heard ALL the moaning and groaning in the past when I've tried on clothes--poor guy!)

Tomorrow, I'm going to confidently wear my size 10 jeans, and medium top, and I won't give a single thought to feeling fat... because I feel good!


51 comments:

  1. I think you look great! I was a size 10 very briefly last year, but I've gained a lot of weight back. I had a hard time staying at that weight for very long. I would love to get back there, but I don't know how long it's going to take. I had to get new shorts this summer in a 14, and some are a 16. I won't have much of anything to wear in fall exeept a couple sweatshirts. So, I need to get a couple pants/jeans. I can't ever find anything at our thrift stores.

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  2. You look fantastic!

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  3. I am glad you are happy where you are now. You should be. Even if it were 10 sizes bigger, you are the same person inside.

    I do think you look good just as you are, too.

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  4. Loved your post today! I needed to hear that! You look great in those jeans and remember they're thrift store jeans which means they may have shrunk down from a size 10 to an 8 or a 6 - the number doesn't matter, your attitude does- thanks for the inspiration!

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  5. This is why I avoid weigh ins, sometimes. Illl have great workouts, feel strong and clothes fit fine, then I'll hop on a scale and see a number that makes me feel like a failure. It's all mental. Be kind to yourself! You're doing great!

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  6. You look lovely and happy in you size tens!

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  7. I love how you reversed your attitude! I will try and remember that for myself :) You look great though. The mental part of weight loss is 99% of the battle it seems like. As you well know! But thanks for the new outlook. I needed to hear it too.

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  8. You look amazing!

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  9. Great post! I can't tell you how many times I let my feelings about my body ruin a vacation. Great attitude! (Plus, you still look great, so no worries there!)

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  10. Katie, I think you look great -- very sassy in those 3/4 jeans and red crop top! I love how you brought yourself out of the negative thought cycle too.

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  11. Katie,
    I bet you were ecstatic about fitting in size 10 jeans when you were losing. Funny how numbers can change everything in our heads. They are not what makes you you. Go, have fun and celebrate your brother's big event! You look great.
    Pat

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  12. I have also lost a significant amount of weight, and recently, my weight has increased. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I put less emphasis on my running and more on strength training. I still run, but instead of 7-13 miles, it is more like 3-6 at a time. My eating habits changed when I made the switch. Weight lifting makes me hungry... ALL THE TIME! I can tell my strength is improving, but I had to pull out my old "fat jeans" last month. It was hard. When I was running everyday, they were baggy and made me look so small. I fill them out beautifully now! My ass looks phenomenal, so it is hard to be mad about the fact that they are a size bigger than I'd like them to be. Try to find the positive in the situation! You are incredibly healthy and you know how to splurge responsibly. Don't feel guilty. You are only human!

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  13. Beautifully positive post. Thank you :)

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  14. Way to go Katie - you look great! -Beth

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  15. You look great! Such an awesome way to look at the situation! Something I needed to hear - Tammy

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  16. I don't mean to be a Debbie-Downer, but isn't accepting gaining weight, how it eventually all sneaks back on?? The bottom of this post had YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE: CLOTHES THAT $9 WILL BUY....quite a difference in the pictures! Be the determined fighter that you always are....don't make excuses. I totally mean this not to be a cut-down and hope you don't take it that way.

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    1. That's a very good point, and I definitely understand what you are saying. I guess I wasn't very clear in saying that I'm not "giving up" on trying to get back down to my goal, where I looked and felt my best. But all this year, I was beating myself up for the weight gain, and I was feeling so unhappy about it. When I look at myself in the mirror, or in the picture on this post, I *don't* think I look bad at this size. Did I look better in a size 4? Sure! But for now, I'm not a size 4, so I don't want to be unhappy until I reach that size again. I am really enjoying the intuitive eating, so I don't want to go back to counting right now, even if it means I'll lose the weight faster. I'm thrilled to be binge free more than anything else, actually. But as far as giving up, no--I'm not! I'm just going about the weight loss a little differently (intuitive eating vs. counting). The purpose of this post was just to show that I'm not going to let my clothing ruin my attitude or my trip. I'm going to live in the now, and work on being the best I can be NOW. I hope this makes sense! :)

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    2. Good for you for not giving up! I was thinking the same thing as Anonymous, that its such a slippery slope. But it sounds like you are determined and have a great attitude. And the first step to any goal is to be real and honest with yourself about where you are at. Love your blog!

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    3. I fully support you, Katie!! And really, if you are going to make a comment like this, wouldn't it be more honoring to all of us if you used your name? Just sayin!

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  17. And you look great and happy! Keep feeling good about yourself- you should!
    ~ Susan

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  18. I think you look amazing! Red is definitely a good color on you. The previous post sounds a little harsh, but it is a valid point. We both know how hard it is to get it off. Lately, I went from 163 back to 180 and I keep allowing myself to eat what I'm feeling like eating even though I know it's not helping. All my jeans don't fit, and I had to go shopping, too. It's so easy in the moment to just buy new clothes and continue to live differently than before. If you honestly feel good right now, then keep doing what you're doing. But, if you really feel that you were happier before, then just take some time to evaluate what you need. We will be here for you either way, but it's your life-- Do what is best for Katie!

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  19. So often reading your blog is like reading a transcript of my thoughts. It's amazing how within one day I can go from feeling strong and fit to fat and horrible just by putting on a different set of pants or stepping on the scale. I recently banished my scale because of this, but I'm scared I will lose accountability to myself because of it.

    Your intuitive eating plan is really interesting - whenever I go back "on program" or back to counting calories or macros, it feels harder and harder and I seem to fall further when I give up. I wish food didn't take up as much of my mental energy as it does.

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  20. I love that you are happy being healthy. I think your attitude about how you feel and knowing that you are doing right by your body by exercising and not bingeing, that is inspirational to me. We get so obsessed with numbers... but numbers don't tell us if we are happy, healthy. I think you look great - because you look happy! :)

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  21. Okay, I just have to say this. Sometimes, I honestly feel like we're the same person (and I don't mean that in a creepy way, haha). But reading your posts, I relate to everything you say. Back in 2010, I lost 50 pounds and I was at my lowest weight ever. Clothes fit me perfectly, I had so much extra confidence and I felt small and desirable. Which is how I met my soon to be husband with that extra confidence. But when we started dating 4 years ago, I started eating food that he was eating (and that he can afford to eat, I swear he burns 1,000 calories a minute just by breathing). I put 20 of those pounds that I lost back on and still haven't lost them to this day. Sometimes I feel really fat and just want to get back into those coveted "skinny" jeans but then other times I look at myself and realize how ridiculous I sound. My fiancé loves my curves, he makes me feel sexy which gives me the confidence to rock bikinis and crop tops and I love not having to restrict myself on eating the foods I really want to eat. Sometimes I think your body has a set weight because no matter how hard I try, it's hard to get those 20 pounds off but I have no problem maintaining at this weight. I think your body knows what it wants and if it wants to be a size 10 right now, there is nothing wrong with that. As long as you're happy and healthy, that's what matters! Basically I just want to say that I think you are amazing and such an inspiration, no matter what your size is! And honestly, I don't even see a difference in your picture. Your size 10 picture above looks incredible and you should be so proud of everything you've done!

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    1. I married one of those 1000 calorie a minute dudes. It's a hard road!! I probably gained 40 lbs the first year we were together. Fortunately for me he usually eats pretty healthy, just a lot of it. But at least I don't have to watch him eat junk food, which is my typical downfall. I've lost what I gained and recently saw some family I hadn't seen in a year. They all wanted to know what I did to lose it, but they looked at me like I was crazy when I said "stopped eating like he eats." No, really, what did you do? Lol. Good luck with your journey. :)

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  22. 1. you look awesome. 2. Sizes are different in different brands. I won't lie I wear Gap and Old Navy because I am a 10 in those but 12 or 14 in most other brands LOL. But most important 3. this is one of my favorite posts you have ever done. It is so positive and wonderful. XOXO have a great time at the wedding.

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  23. i have to tell you something, one thing I have found... sizes have changed significantly over the years, call it vanity sizing or something I don't know, but.. to ease your weary mind just slightly Katie (and my own too), a size 4 now, is probably a size 8 a couple years ago TRUTHFULLY, and when we are buying our clothes in a thrift shop, they could be a couple few years old. =-) just saying.. ALSO I have found almost ALL jeans now seem to be made with some 'stretch' and that was NOT the trend a few years ago (again clothes we may find in thrift stores) so that too would/will make a difference..

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    1. So true. I got down to a size 10 pants easily, and even fit into some SMALL tops. But when I tried on my size 12 wedding dress (that fit me in 1970), it would not zip up. Sizes have definitely changed!!! I guess they're just trying to keep up with the expanding population!

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    2. I had a similar experience with my wedding dress. Really, the main reason I still have it hanging in my closet is that I want to zip it up again one day...and it's do-able...I was far from tiny when I got married, pretty average, really (although I thought I was HUGE). A few years ago, we were playing around and my daughter tried it on. We couldn't zip it up, so I realized I really wasn't that large as a bride. She said to me, "What size is this? About a 10?" Umm...no...it's a 14. I am 5'4" and weighed, I think, around 140-150-ish.

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  24. I think you look AMAZING RIGHT NOW. Your smile says everything - you look happy! Sizes are so different depending on the brand. Being happy is what counts, and you seem like you are thriving on what you are doing - keep doing that!

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  25. Thanks for this post, it really hits home with me too. For the first time in years I am letting go of my 'food fears' and accepting that while I am super athletic and strong I'm just not at my smallest weight anymore. While I am slowly working at getting back down I am also working on loving myself right now. This was definitely what I needed to read this morning.

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  26. I hear ya Katie! LOUD AND CLEAR! None of my size 10's fit me this summer. I have some beautiful colored jeans and capris, as well as regular blue ones, and they would not fit over my legs and hips. I knew I had gained, and when I joined my first Dietbet back in mid-June, and finally got back on the scale and saw 182 lbs. pop up, I understood better why the jeans that fit at 150 lbs. no longer fit. But I reversed the gaining trend, and am down to 162.8 this morning. I'm not going to try on the old jeans yet however. If they still don't go up, it will be depressing, and I'm afraid that will be the case. I need to get closer to 150 lbs. in order for them to fit me again, and losing weight is really really hard when you get close to goal, as you well know. I went out earlier this summer and bought size 14's. That was not fun. I just bought a few pairs. It wasn't like when I got down to a size 10 and went NUTS buying new clothes. I just wanted some clothes that would go up over my expanding hips. All my tops still fit, so I was okay there.

    Now that I've started losing again, shopping for clothes is fun again and I've been buying way too many new things. Don't tell my husband! But my goal is to get back into a certain pair of size 10 mint green jeans before next summer. We'll get there.

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  27. Well you definitely aren't fat! You still look cute and perky! I'm dreading trying on all my jeans becuase I am 20 pounds up from my lowest and 10 from where my body likes to hang out. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to go buy some more jeans myself. BUT like you said it's just clothes and silly to get ourselves worked up over it.

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  28. Size doesn't matter, except in our heads so it seems! You look great and healthy!

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  29. amen! I have been avoiding going clothes shopping because I have high anxiety about having to buy a bigger size. But you know, I'd rather have clothes that fit and are flattering then clothes that make me look bigger because I'm bursting out of them.

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  30. I love this post! Good job turning things back to positive! I know I'll never be "skinny" (even at 125 lbs in high school, I wore size 9 jeans!). But I've made it a point to enjoy my life with my hubby and kids right now, even though I'd like to lose some weight. I definitely feel better/happier and more confident when I'm wearing clothes that fit!

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  31. I think you look great! And feeling good and happy with yourself is 100x more valuable than fitting into a certain size jeans.

    I think you will find your natural weight with IE, but in the meantime, beating yourself up won't help you get there... so why be mean to anyone, including yourself?

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  32. And you look cuter than a dang button! You really do look great. I'm so proud of you for going thrifting.

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  33. Good for you! I wish I could adopt your mindset.

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  34. Being a psychological professional specializing with weight, food and compulsive eating issues for the last 25 years - because I wanted to help folks but also b/c I needed to figure out my own compulsive eating tendency with food - I do A LOT of work with clients to help them learn to not be reactive / remain pro-active and grounded in response to adversity, including weight gain ... much like you did as you walked us through your thought process.

    One of the things that's been of primary importance to me in my process is being peaceful with food (much like the intuitive eating approach). If I indulge too much there are weight and health consequences that don't work. If I get too strict for my current ability, I get in to deprivation and we all know that never ends well. It's a fairly delicate and VERY personal balance. To me, one of the many critical things that missing in the conventional diet approach ... that's central to this topic ... is trusting oneself to find one's way through what we need to find our way through and at the pace we need to find our way.

    The slippery slope is an important question. And, I've found that self-trust - if it's genuine self-trust and not denial - begets self-trust. Self-trust calls forth honest self-inventory and evaluation. This calls for growth and increased effectiveness. It seems to me that this is where you're coming from. Good on ya!

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  35. Hey great post, i hope to wear a size 10 one day. I decided to lose weight about a year ago , i failed at first but i never gave up and finally i'm starting seeing results! I've found a great product on this website http://www.annereviews.com, called belly flat forever, its simple and detailed step by step. It's great!

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  36. You go girl!! You look so cute in your jeans & your medium shirt-truly! I am proud of you!! You inspire me every single day!

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  37. Great post Katie! You look wonderful!

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  38. Looking good is one thing. Feeling good? Amazing! That's what it's about!

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  39. Intuitive eating has been the best thing I have ever done for myself. Ever. I am so glad you have found it. Letting go of my unhealthy need to "diet" and instead focusing on honoring my hunger and stopping when I am full has completely changed my life. I no longer obsess over food, quantity, calories, good, bad, too much, too little..none of it. I eat. And I run and I laugh and I live. Throwing away my scale was another great moment in my life. My doctor tried to tell me how much I had lost and I said No! I don't care. I know I am losing as I need new clothes, but I don't care about the number. I care about how I feel. And I feel great. I am so happy for you!! Feel great! It's so much better than a number.

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  40. I think it's hard for people who've never had a problem with binging to understand what it feels like to go binge free for any amount of time. How haunting food can become when you're stuck in that cycle and how freeing it can be when food is no longer on the brain 24/7...or if it is, it's not met with anxiety and dread. Our minds are just as much a part of our health as our BMI's and body fat, if not more so, so making strides in that department is monumental.

    You truly look as amazing as you feel. Hold on to that...don't let anyone steal those truths from you. :)

    ~Ashley

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  41. You are beautiful inside and out Katie!

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