This has been such a busy week for us! Tomorrow, we head to Minnesota for my brother's wedding (we're just going Friday through Sunday, so it's a very quick trip). I didn't think of it when I planned our vacation--Punta Cana until Monday, kids started school Tuesday, Minnesota on Friday, wedding on Saturday. Crazy, right? But fun-crazy!
Today, I started packing, and the weather is supposed to be pretty cool--a high of 67 tomorrow, and 76 on Saturday. So I started trying on my fall clothes, particularly my jeans...
And they don't fit. There are only about two pairs that I can wear publicly.
I did have a bit of a moment, though. I had been feeling really good about myself all morning. I've been binge-free for a while, I've been eating intuitively, I even wore a bikini on vacation (that post will publish tomorrow). The scale was down again this morning, meaning my weight is up only two pounds since I left for vacation, which I am thrilled with. The point is, I was feeling confident and good.
Until I tried on my jeans.
When I got to my goal weight, I donated every pair of jeans that was even slightly too big. All of the jeans I own fit me comfortably at my goal weight (with the exception of two stretchy pairs, which are the ones that fit me now).
So when I tried on the jeans today, my mood immediately changed, and I felt like crap. I was feeling really down on myself, and feeling fat even though I felt rather thin just an hour earlier. And it was then that I realized just how stupid the whole thing was! It's not my weight that was making me feel fat and bad about myself. It's my clothes, because they're not the right size for the weight I am now.
Like I wrote recently, of course I want to get back to my goal weight (I felt the best and ran my fastest at that weight)... but right now, I'm feeling happy with what I'm doing. The intuitive eating is working, and I feel better than I have (in regards to food) in a long time. I am thrilled that I'm binge free, and that I can eat what I like without worry. If I was to stay at this weight, where I am right now, I can honestly say I'd be okay with that. I don't think I look bad, I'm healthy, and I feel confident--so it's really dumb to let some clothes ruin that!
I started to beat myself up about the clothes incident today, but stopped myself almost immediately. Instead of letting it ruin my day, and probably my trip, I decided to go to the thrift store to get some clothes that fit. I used to love thrift shopping, but since gaining the weight, I've avoided it. I kept telling myself, "When I get back to goal, I'll go again..." I really didn't want to go to Minnesota this weekend feeling bad about myself, so this afternoon, I went to the thrift store and bought a few things--a couple of pairs of jeans, and about five tops.
The jeans are very comfortable, and I was a little stunned to see they were a size 10 (the jeans in my closet are size 4). But the strange thing was, I was not at all upset by the size. Sure, I hope that by intuitive eating, my size will get back down to a 4, but for now, I am okay being a size 10. I feel good when I have these jeans on, and I don't have to squeeze into them.
I just found the whole situation today to be eye-opening. I can remember many times, at many different sizes, when I've tried on clothes and it brought me to tears. I even skipped a couple of big events when I was at my heaviest, because I just couldn't find anything to wear that fit me. When I went to the thrift store today, I decided to buy whatever was comfortable and made me feel good about myself, regardless of the size. When I got home, and I tried on the stuff I bought for Jerry, even he could see the change in my attitude. (He's heard ALL the moaning and groaning in the past when I've tried on clothes--poor guy!)
Tomorrow, I'm going to confidently wear my size 10 jeans, and medium top, and I won't give a single thought to feeling fat... because I feel good!