I binged yesterday. I ruined my 237-day binge-free streak.
I'm trying really hard not to beat myself up about it, but I'm just so angry with myself and disappointed that I let it happen. It was like a perfect storm of events--my kids were spending the night with my parents, and Jerry had to work all night. Just before he left for work, we got in an argument, and then he had to leave. The argument was over something really stupid, and I knew he'd call me when he got to work and we'd apologize, and everything would be fine.
Instead, I just wanted to eat out of anger. You know that expression, "Don't cut off your nose to spite your face?" Well, I was mad at Jerry, and a binge almost felt like I was getting back at him somehow (which I know is stupid, because I'm the one that has to deal with the consequences). I'm not at all blaming the argument for the binge, because we've argued many times over the past 237 days, and I managed not to binge because of it.
Like I said, I'm trying to just let it be, and not beat myself up over it. I'm starting a new binge-free streak today, and I'm going to do my best to make it longer than 237 days. I got on the scale this morning, just like normal. I know that weighing every day isn't the best idea for everyone, but when I start to avoid the scale, my weight goes up FAST because it's so easy to ignore the consequences of poor eating. My weight was up to 136 today, which I know is mostly water weight, but it was still pretty sobering to see that number.
I know that if I get right back on track, I can be back down to 133 or so in a few days. Because I'm over my "panic weight" of 135, I switched my Weight Watchers settings to "weight loss mode" instead of maintenance. So now my daily PP target is 26 instead of 32. I'll keep it there until I get back down to about 131-132.
I'm really determined not to let yesterday's binge become a defining moment of gaining back the weight. I will not let it turn into another binge, or "just one more day" of bad eating. And, as much as I want to pretend it didn't happen, I'm not going to lie to myself either. It happened, it's over, and now I can go back to the norm.
This morning, the cats woke me up (wanting their breakfast) at 6:00, and I couldn't go back to sleep. Lately, I've been eating breakfast, drinking tea, checking e-mail, and some other stuff before running, but I had the urge to run first thing today. It was light outside already (the bonus to springtime), so I ran outside.
Today, I was going to try and get my heart rate to Zone 4 (156-172 bpm).
I figured this would be about an 8:30/mi pace. I was surprised just how difficult it was to get my heart rate up that high! My legs and lungs told me I was working hard, but my heart rate was right around 152-154 most of the run. This heart rate training is pretty interesting!
While I was running (and thinking), I had an "Aha!" moment. I always gain 15 or so pounds during the summer, and then manage to take it off again in the fall. I assumed this was because my kids were home, and constantly bored or bickering, which is stressful.
But I don't take into account the fact that I'm NOT a "normal, average person". I've lost 120+ pounds, and I'm maintaining that loss--most "normal" people haven't done that. So I can't eat the same way they do and expect the same results. My body works differently. Through trial and error over the last few years, I've learned that I have to measure and count my food to maintain my weight. I've tried "intuitive eating", but it leads to binge eating every single time.
So this time, when I find myself thinking that I don't have to count PointsPlus (or calories or whatever), I'm going to keep all of this in mind. Maybe I will actually be able to maintain my goal weight this spring and summer. I would love to experience summertime at my goal weight!
The winner of the book giveaway "Honey, Do You Need A Ride?" by Jennifer Graham is:
Congrats Crystal! I've sent you an e-mail. Hope you enjoy the book :)