Saturday, February 25, 2012

Breathless

Today was a much-needed rest day, and I definitely rested. I woke up at 3:30 AM--and no, that's not a typo. I just couldn't sleep. I caught up on my e-mail and laundry. And then I was cleaning up the photo folders on my computer when I started looking through my folder of "before" pictures.

245 pounds
It's kind of strange how my mind works when I see those pictures. I see them and think that I still look like that; but I know that my body doesn't feel the same way. As I looked through the pictures, the one word that kept popping into my head was "breathless". I can remember very vividly how hard it was to breathe when I was 253 pounds.

I felt out-of-breath all the time. And I remember specific circumstances where I would try to hide the breathlessness. When the phone would ring, I would say "Hello?" and then I would turn the phone upside down so the mouthpiece was up near my forehead--because I didn't want my heavy breathing to be evident on the phone.

220 pounds
When I would go to the doctor's office, it was on the second floor. And I didn't want to fit the stereotype of a lazy, fat person by taking the elevator for just one floor (I'm not calling fat people lazy! I'm just talking about the stereotype), so I would take the stairs. Then at the top of the stairwell, I would stand for about 30 seconds to catch my breath before opening the door.

When I would tie my shoes, I had to literally hold my breath--because when I bent over, I couldn't inhale at all. 

When having a conversation with someone, I would make sure I didn't talk in long sentences, because I would get out of breath and I was embarrassed about it. Every little thing I did made me breathless.

The only way I can really describe the constant breathlessness is like wearing a SUPER tight pair of jeans that have no give to them whatsoever. That tight, constricted feeling of discomfort is what I felt all the time.

I've showed the "before" pictures to Jerry, and he always just says, "I don't remember you looking like that! It's weird, I just see you how you are now and it seems like that's how you've always been."

We're total opposites in that way. I see myself now the same as when I was 253 pounds--but when I actually was 253 pounds, I thought I looked much smaller than I actually did. My mind is just really screwed up!
253 pounds

I realized that I don't have very many "before" photos on my blog, so that's why I'm posting a few for you to see. It seems like a lifetime ago, but it's only been 2 1/2 years since I started losing weight.  
253 pounds
I can remember what I was thinking in every single one of those pictures. And unfortunately, it wasn't about how much fun I was having or how happy I was. I was nervous about getting my picture taken, and I was trying to look as thin as a 253-pound woman can look.


253 pounds
Looking back at this pictures, I just hope that I never go back there. Not a day goes by that I don't worry about gaining back all this weight. Every time I overeat or eat for emotional reasons, I wonder if that is the starting point of gaining back the weight. Every time I want to skip a scheduled run, I remind myself that skipping that run would make it easier to skip another, and another... until I'm not longer a runner.

Anyways, I didn't intend for this to be a serious and somber post! I just wanted to share some pictures and talk about what it was like (for me) to be morbidly obese, although the breathlessness just barely brushes the surface of the subject.

Now, the only time I feel breathless is when I run really hard. I can run slowly and carry a conversation without feeling like I'm gasping for breath. I can run up a flight or two of stairs and not feel winded at all. I can bend over and tie my shoes while breathing--who would've thunk it?! ;)

And in this picture below, post-weight loss, I would love to say that I wasn't thinking about anything other than what a nice day it was, how happy I was in the moment... but I was honestly just trying to look as thin as a 135-pound person can look ;)  I don't think I'll ever relax for a photo!
135 pounds
It makes me wonder if "naturally" thin women think the same way for photos? If you've always been thin, do you do any tricks to try to look thinner for photos, like sucking in? Or do you just relax and enjoy? 

Well, my wine club meeting is tonight... I better go get ready!

54 comments:

  1. I remember that breathless feeling. I still get it sometimes - I'm still in the low 180s - but not nearly as much. I remember I had to hold my breath even when I turned to look in my blind spot when I was changing lanes driving. Jason commented on it once, not meaning to be rude or anything, but it made me feel so ashamed so I started trying to hide it.

    As someone who grew up naturally thin and didn't get fat until adulthood, I do remember fretting about the way I looked in pictures, but not like when I was super obese. Even now, I don't fret NEARLY as much as I used to. I do still, and a lot, and I take tons until I get one that I like best, but after I lost the first 30 lbs, I started to be okay taking pictures again, when I used to do my best to hide before then. I have very, very few pictures between 225 and 255. Probably less than a dozen. When I was younger and thin, I fretted about pictures for other reasons. I dreaded acne showing up or how long my face was or all sorts of things. I do hope one day I'll be able to just shut up and enjoy myself during photos! I'm getting there, but not there yet.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh! And I meant to say that recently my kids were looking at pictures from our vacation in Corpus in summer 2010, when i weighed 235-240 lbs, and my oldest remarked that he cant' remember me ever looking like that. It's interesting, how people don't remember, but we definitely do.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I have written a lot about the breathlessness of being overweight. Esp. shoe tying. Before I got heavy I never thought about how to look thinner in pics. When I was heavier I hid behind everyone or did a hug behind or tight to the side - and sucked in my chin.

    I will always worry about regaining what I have lost.

    ReplyDelete
  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I love the honesty behind this post. I feel the same way. Whenever I eat anything unhealthy or overeat, I am terrified that I am going to "get fat" again. Everyday, I wish that my eating didn't control me like that, and I wonder what life is like for people who don't constantly think about things like that. Oh well, these were the cards we were dealt, so we have to make the best of it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I see myself in your post. I constantly obsess over re-gaining. I obsessed over it before I ever even got to my goal. Everytime I mess up I think to msyelf, "This is it...it's all over...I'm regaining every single one of those 180 pounds I lost." Then I look in the mirror and I still look okay and I think, NO, You can stop this right now, and get back on track. I constantly have to remind myself that I am in control, and am the one who can say no to the bad choices. And it never gets any easier, at least not for me. I have been at my goal weight for 9 months now and every day, every hour, every moment can be a struggle. I yearn to be able to be one of those people who doesn't constantly think about food, but like you say, they are the cards we were dealt and I guess we have to learn to live with them.
      Isn't our Katie the BEST! LOVE HER BLOG!!

      Delete
  6. I don't know if that feeling ever goes away. I still feel 250 pounds most times. I see pictures of myself then and I can't believe I was that big (even though it didn't seem as big to me then). Now I can't accept when I see smaller pictures of me. It has gotten better over the years, but I still have body dysmporphia.

    Regarding pictures - note how almost all women tilt to the side and put one leg in front of the other to look thinner in pictures - no matter what their size. I think it is something every woman is conscious of.

    You look fantastic, as always!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am currently at exactly at your pre-weightloss weight and am I just now trying to start to lose some of the pounds. I know exactly the feeling about the breathlessness. Especially with the shoe tying. I often find my self wearning flip flops everwhere, even when it's cold, because it's just so much easier to put them on!

    I did also want to comment that I feel that I sometimes have a backwards body image as well. You hear all the time about how may girls and women perceive themselves as being much fatter than they are....but I on the otherhand really can't believe that I am as big as I am. When I look at pictures of myself I think "No, I really don't look like that, I'm not THAT big." I know that when I look in the mirror, I don't see what everyone else sees.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Though a "naturally thin" girl, I had a brief period of weight gain during high school and the first few years of college (I was about 20 lbs overweight). As a result, I began running 22 years ago to quit smoking and get healthy. I've basically been slender since then, (other than being pregnant twice) but I ALWAYS think about how to position myself to look as thin/young as a 130lb, 41 year old woman can look!

    I wish I could say that it's a no-brainer for me after 22 years, but if my jeans start getting snug or if I have a "fat day" I STILL have a moment of panic...is this the beginning of the slide into creeping weight gain?

    And even though those thoughts still arise after all these years, I notice that I can remind myself that I can ALWAYS do something about the snug jeans (that doesn't involve buying bigger ones:). I guess I have cultivated a fundamental trust for myself to always get back on track and keep my health and well-being a top priority.

    You are such an inspiration! I love reading about your journey. Thanks for your honesty and willingness to share.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I completely agree with Merwak. Three years ago, I gained about 20 pounds and it took me a year to get it off (about three to put it on slowly). And still, I struggle with guilt for eating one cookie, or worry I'll gain it all back, or how to not look fat in photos. I feel like I could still lose some weight or maybe just exchange a little bit of fat for muscle. But I guess just like exercise, it's for life, not just for a month.

      Delete
  9. Your "befores" are around where I started my own journey. Your "afters" are where I want to be (135 is my goal). It's so nice to see where I'm going...with your visuals. So...thanks a bunch for posting these. It gives me great hope. Great, great hope. :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Wow this post really touched me. I can totally relate. I have lost 60 pounds in the last year and am now at 134. I look back at those pictures and think a lot of the same things you do. I used to hide so much from the camera. Now I think while my body is thin my brain is still fat and I constantly think when getting pictures taken to suck in, turn to the side, etc. I also have the same feelings if I overeat..that it may be the start of it all coming back.. I know that is not true but the panic sure feels real. Thank you so much for your honesty! I love your blog and read it everyday! Justice

    ReplyDelete
  11. Thank you for sharing your "befores"
    I only started losing weight 7 months ago, but I'm down 50 pounds. I started at 258. I never was breathless. I was tall. I told myself I wasn't fat, just heavy. I lied.
    I had to laugh when you said "I tried to make myself skinny, as much as a 253 pound woman could". I always did the exact same thing! How do you stand and look skinner? Who knows.
    We should just be happy with our body!
    You look amazing, and I thank you for sharing your story each and every post!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I sometimes find a photo of myself from college where I was bigger and wonder what I was thinking at the time it was taken. It probably wasn't anything nice about myself, that's for sure.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh man, it's pretty amazing how similar we all feel/felt. At my heaviest I was probably pushing 190, not sure as I NEVER weighed myself. Now I am down to about 129, and I still feel big, wide, sloppy... I totally remember being "trapped" in my body, what a horrible feeling that was. I see pictures of me even at around 160, and am shocked, since I too looked in the mirror and didn't think I was *that* big. I found a picture of me at my heaviest recently, I was amazed that I was that big, and was in such denail. I showed it to my husband and he said the same thing " I don't remember you being that big" So strange how on one hand I felt huge, and on the other I was delusional about just how big I was.

    I thoght that I carried my weight fairly well(yeah right) and that I would never be in the 120's I thought I would look skeletal.....hahahahaaaa.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh, Katie, you are beautiful and even were when you were overweight. I'm overweight now and have struggled with weight issues a large portion of my adult life, but I honestly have to say, it's only been a matter of 40 or less pounds. However, no matter how thin or overweight I've been, I always cringe when posing for a picture. I have never felt comfortable in front of a camera, so you are definitely not alone!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I used to weigh 97 lbs (I'm 4ft 11) and I was always embarrassed in pictures by how thin I was and wished to be bigger. I recently gained 25-30 pounds and now I see myself as much bigger in the photo / mirror than that and wish I could get thin again. I think you have to be pretty confident in yourself all over to not have image fears about a camera.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Thanks for sharing your before pictures.

    I am glad I am not the only one that still sees herself as her previous size. Granted, it is now more fun shopping for clothes, but I still need to look in the mirror to remind myself that I am no longer that size. I wonder if that will ever change?

    I look at my before pictures and I laugh because I had a black shirt and khaki shorts that I used to wear constantly because I thought they made me look skinny. Who was I kidding?

    So yes. You are not alone out there. And you are not alone in the worrying about gaining the weight back. I am hoping that will get easier as the years pass and I keep the weight off.
    Have fun at your wine gathering!

    ReplyDelete
  17. I still have a long way to go but when I see pics like I did yesterday of ourselves 200 lbs ago, it's like "who are those people?" It's weird how you can detach yourself after a certain amount of weight is lost.

    Thank you so much for sharing your before's. Just so you know, you are absolutely gorgeous at any weight.

    ReplyDelete
  18. As I was reading this, images of me doing the same things popped into my head. Getting winded going up stairs. Turning the phone so my friend won't hear. Ugh. I've been trying to get up the nerve to join a gym and get myself moving. I keep thinking how embarassing it will be for me to go in there and ask for help learning how to use the machines. More embarassing than letting myself get this big and letting my size hold me back from living how I want to live? Doubt it! I think you've just given me the motivation I was looking for.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I used to feel the same way. All of these people are going to see this big girl in there working out and what are they going to think? Now I don't care! I'm on that treadmill running! My hope is that someone else that is bigger will see me and maybe I'll inspire them.

      Delete
  19. I still can't believe what the tag says on my jeans or my shirts. I'll hold them out in front of me, really giving them some consideration, and then I put them on. But there's a total disconnect. Today when I was on the treadmill at the gym, a young guy was walking a couple machines over, and I could feel his eyes on me every once in a while and all I could think was he was staring at the fat girl running. God forbid I think he's impressed with my speed or stamina. I'm still self-conscious about the things I put on the conveyor belt at the grocery store, like the cashier is thinking "Oh, she sure needs those chips or cookies like she needs a hole in the head." I don't think I'll ever be free of those demons in my head.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Thank you for this! It definitely gives me hope. I read your blog and I think of you as a 135 lbs woman who SAYS she was overweight but you've made it to thin now so you aren't "one of us." But it's so good to know where you came from is exactly where I am right now (there's pictorial evidence) so I know it must be true. Thanks for the motivation!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Loved this "Every time I overeat or eat for emotional reasons, I wonder if that is the starting point of gaining back the weight. Every time I want to skip a scheduled run, I remind myself that skipping that run would make it easier to skip another, and another... until I'm no longer a runner."

    This is what I need to focus on doing more, I tend to still let myslef get away with treats for a hard days work promising that I will run to balance it out. Then tend not to run and end up beating myself up for cheating and not taking control of whats truly best for ME! I need more balance/awarness of what that choice really means. I think this is true in many aspects of our life.

    ReplyDelete
  22. You have a real talent for writing from the heart Katie. I want you to write a memoir, I'd certainly buy it and recommend it to others who need this kind of inspiration. I long to unzip my big body and get into a body that doesn't feel like its suffocating me! You have given me some little, tangible goals I can imagine along the way, and something to contemplate once I reach it. Got a surprise yesterday at Sparkpeople when I put in my current weight on weigh in day - and I got a message to tell me I'm losing too fast. I'm not attempting to do anything particularly fast by any means I'm just doing what my body wants to do at it's own pace. I've already conceeded that I'll probably need plastic surgery anyway because in 3 months I gained over 30 kilo (and upwards after that due to lots of factors including my naughtiness) due to thyroids, and it stretched my skin horribly - and believe me in that time I was in terrible denial then depression. I've started my losing weight journey without realising it, at 137 kilos about 18 months ago, and yesterday I weighed in at 120 kilos... I have faced my demons though and I love myself and my body, yeah I have those harsh thoughts too (and I've learnt a technique to quieten them if you are interested) but I also feel this is where I am, it's my only body and I've come to terms finally with this. I find I can look at the facts ie what I have to face, with 'determination' to be healthier, thanks to your help I can visualise how one can achieve this. Thanks again Katie!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Hi been reading you forever but I.don't know.if my comments.make their way to.you. along the lines of you still feeling like.you.look.253 lbs....I don't know if its because tour just posing or if you just stil feel awkward. You stand the same in your pictures....did that come out right don't want to sound bad. Your beautiful.....and I think the reason they don't remember you ever looking big is because they saw you the way you are now....its a love thing. Saw your inner beauty like shallow Hal.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I am a new reader and have lost 45 lbs last year and have been at goal weight for the past 3 months. I have been as high as 70 lbs more than my goal and done a few yoyo's. I can totally relate to the feeling of...I am just one binge away from throwing it all away. I too have taken up running and feel that this time that is what is different. I have done 2 5k's and have another in April as well as a 10k in June. Your blog is inspirational and helps keep me on a good path! Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Great post Katie! I have only just started my weight loss journey at New Years, and I'm trying so hard for it not to be "just another failed resolution". Same as you, every time I have a handful of crackers or stop on the elliptical a little early I think, "is it over? Is this my 2309th failed diet/ exercise attempt?" This year I've lost 17 lbs and I'm back in the 170's for the first time in almost 3 years. Even in just 17 lbs I've noticed little differences. I'm more comfortable when I sit and lay down, my face looks a little thinner, and when I go jogging I feel like moving is easier, a little lighter on my feet. Just form 17 lbs. I'm so excited to lose more and feel more changes. The fear of gaining it all back is prominent. But I think a bit of that fear is healthy to keep us all on track! :)

    ReplyDelete
  26. Hey Katie!

    Just wanted to say that I love your 'new' after pic with you in the Purple running top and capris, so so adorable! But I totally get what you mean about not feeling as big as you look in pictures and then at the same time thinking you're smaller than you were at the time you were bigger.

    I hate looking back at pics when I was a lot lighter and remembering thinking I was 'so fat' then! And now I'd kill to get back there, but have done nothing but struggle and struggle with getting back there. I'll get ready to go somewhere and think I look 'thin' enough or okay and then see a pic of myself later that night and think WOW I didn't see that in the mirror when I was getting ready.

    It's just nuts what our perceptions do to us!! I just hope that when I DO lose this weight again that I don't constantly think I'm still fat like I did when I lost it the last time and I hope I can enjoy it and MAINTAIN it!!!

    ReplyDelete
  27. I really hope when you read MT foment you don't find it offensive
    ... i am commenting from a cell phone so its choppy. Last comment I tried to post I asked if the weight loss affected your breast... I wasn't trying to be t personal .... I only ask because that is something I fear.... not the loss of breast fatty tissue ....but saggy boobs. Or.....I'm afraid my calf's will never get smaller....I see yours and yours look great! But your awesome keep up the good work

    ReplyDelete
  28. Katie, I started following your blog last July. Your blog is such motivation to me. I lost about 30 lbs, and life fell apart. I realize that everyone has stress and goes through stressful situations and it is not an excuse to stop trying to eat right and exercise, but at the same time, I realized something else about myself. After losing 30 lbs. I felt really thin, (I was not, I still weighed 196). But in my mind, I weighed about 130. I wanted to wear boots with my jeans tucked in, and I was SHOCKED to learn that boots would not fit over my calves. I couldn't understand it, because I honestly felt like I looked like I weighed a lot less. Then when I had my husband take my 30 lbs. lost pic, and I still looked "fat" I just got so discouraged and I really have not been trying to eat right and exercise any longer. Between the stress and the disappointment, I just haven't been seriously trying. I guess I'm saying all this because I want to reinforce what I think you are saying and a lot of the comments I read here are saying: Our minds can really play tricks on us. And we really need to try to be more realistic and realize that if we are working toward our goals and not being discouraged along the way, we can get where we want to be. Throwing in the towel is not an option. I've got to get back on track. Thank you for your motivational blog.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I have lost 50 lbs and feel great! I eat right, workout and have really tried to change my life. When I was younger and thin I was "never" thin enough. It's like my mind told me I was fat...at a size 6! Then I got really heavy. Basically my life was out of control. I decided to put me first for the first time in years. The results are that I feel great, however, I do struggle with the same thing. I'll have a photo taken and it's not "perfect" enough...like any of us are perfect! It's so crazy. I ate a pancake this am and I feel like I have to eat perfect the rest of the day. It really is twisted! We just have to keep doing what we did to lose the weight and believe we are worth! And then maybe someday we can look in that photo and know we look great!

    ReplyDelete
  30. What's worse is when other people notice the breathlessness...I can remember a few occasions of running up my dad's basement stairs during summer get togethers and him saying "Why are you out of breath" It was embarrassing as it was but for him to point it out was more so. This happened on several occasions. I always said because I just bolted up the stairs dad...but still I was embarrassed.

    Despite exercising as much as I do right now, I still can get breathless sometimes when going for a walk or hike with friends, it's embarrassing but I try to push that feeling down and remind myself I'm getting exercise and I'm working really hard to make my body healthier.

    You look AMAZING! You inspire me.

    ReplyDelete
  31. I remember doing a lot of the same things and being out of breath and sweaty. It was so embarrassing. My starting weight was much higher, 325. I now weigh 204 and am training for a 10k. I can jog without being too out of breath, and it's an amazing feeling. I love reading your running blogs, because before last year I never would have wanted to run or that I was ever capable of running. I am still not fast (the fastest I've run a mile is in 10:25, and I am usually about 11:30 if I am going several miles. I hope to one day be able to run several miles in 10 minutes or under. Anyway, I just wanted to say that your posts are very inspiring for me, and I enjoy reading them and seeing how you're doing. Thanks for being such an inspiration.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Boy...did I need this today. Thanks Katie for still being my inspiration and helping me to remember how awful it was to be fat.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Kaite, I LOVE this!! I'm above your heaviest weight still, but at 80 lbs down now I feel like I've gotten rid of that breathless feeling already! I know EXACTLY what you're talking about here. When i was 349, I didn't feel like I was that big. Weird! Congrats for the zillionth time on how far you've come and thanks for being so motivating!

    ReplyDelete
  34. I am loving your blog.
    You are an inspiration!

    ReplyDelete
  35. The heaviest I have ever been was about 30 pounds overweight. I know that doesn't sound like much to someone who has 100 pounds to lose, but interestingly the thoughts and feelings are very similar to what you have said Katie: the hiding partly behind someone for photos, or avoiding the camera completely, being out of shape and out of breath doing simple things.
    Your blog keeps healthy eating and fitness at the top of my mind, instead of letting me push it to the back and let it all go. It's just so easy to relax and not worry what I eat or NOT go to the gym when I should.
    It will always be a bit of a struggle I suppose, but the payoff is so worth it. I feel so much better in my skin when I'm feeling fit and eating better. I have a current goal to lose 15 pounds and get to my goal of 135. It's slow going, but I'm determined!

    ReplyDelete
  36. You may have already posted something like this, but I'm sort of new to your page... Did you save any of your "fat" clothes? I think, if I were to lose that much weight, I would want to step back into them just to see how loose they are. I'm bigger and always feel like I don't realize my actual size. Sometimes I wonder if I'm making my weight and size out to be worse than it actually is, and sometimes I wonder if I see myself thinner than I am. To have that kind of physical before/after reference material would be really interesting, I think.

    ReplyDelete
  37. There is NOTHING I love more than before and after photos! I clicked on my bookmark and when this came up I was like "who is that" because your first before pic stood out to me before I started reading. WOW! You are amazing and this has definitely remotivated me. :)

    Even though you don't need to do this now - never stand square to the camera. Standing square will make you look as large as possible. Just a little food for thought. I am getting into photography and the worse thing I can do is have someone 100% square to the camera.

    I never really experienced that out of breathe feeling all the time. That's interesting. I've always been active - riding horses the last 12 years or so. But I was large. More fit than most people thought, but large. I went from 250-180 and I still see myself as 250. Will that ever go away? When I have a bad eating day I have to stand in front of the mirror and let myself see that I didn't gain all that weight back in one day! lol. I'm 5'10" and I'd like to see myself at 165 before I know where I should be. But I started running and gained 3-4 lbs. The 170's were heaven, but I can't seem to get back down there right now. :( I keep pushing on though.

    ReplyDelete
  38. The hardest thing for me was trying to read a book out loud. How embarrassing to have to literally try to catch my breath while trying to read ANYTHING. I remember being at my heaviest (260 lbs) and stepping up our back step. It seemed so.damn.hard. I didn't think anything more of it and figured it was just a tall step. I am quite short so 260lb is massive on my frame. I watch television shows now of obese people trying to walk or go up stairs and I fear I looked like that. MY hubby tell me all the time I don't realize how much weight I've lost when I pull something from the far back of my closet (never wear anymore) and I can wrap it around me. He is right. I still see myself as a 200+ girl. I don't think I'll ever think differently but at least now I can read out loud without gasping for air and pretty much turning blue. :)

    ReplyDelete
  39. The hardest thing for me was trying to read a book out loud. How embarrassing to have to literally try to catch my breath while trying to read ANYTHING. I remember being at my heaviest (260 lbs) and stepping up our back step. It seemed so.damn.hard. I didn't think anything more of it and figured it was just a tall step. I am quite short so 260lb is massive on my frame. I watch television shows now of obese people trying to walk or go up stairs and I fear I looked like that. MY hubby tell me all the time I don't realize how much weight I've lost when I pull something from the far back of my closet (never wear anymore) and I can wrap it around me. He is right. I still see myself as a 200+ girl. I don't think I'll ever think differently but at least now I can read out loud without gasping for air and pretty much turning blue. :)

    ReplyDelete
  40. This post really hit me, as I am still in the "before" stage of my journey. I'd started, lost a few pounds and then things fell apart, so I'm just trying to get life on track right now. Anyway, the breathlessness...OMG. It happens all the time for me and that's the real wake-up button for me. The pain in my knees gets bad, not being able to buy cute clothes gets me down, looking at pictures of myself makes me run the other way, but the breathlessness is like, oh wow, this is about HEALTH now. To cover it up, I cough. Like that fools anyone. It's so embarassing. Thanks for sharing your pictures, and, as always, you are such an inspiration, Katie!

    ReplyDelete
  41. Hi, I'm Ness. I found your blog through a friend of mine. I am so proud of your accomplishments! I have been overweight all my life and now bounce between 225-233. I walk weekly (more now since I have to walk to bus stops because our car is in the shop). I did WW over the years, I did the liquid protein diet (lost 60 pounds and my gallbladder 2 months later). I am a 7 year thyroid cancer survivor. I am soon to be 58 and am at that point in my life where it's too much effort to be on a diet/food plan. I have depression and panic disorder and fibro and OCD and on a lot of meds that is not conducive to weight loss. And then I read your blog and am getting inspired. My military son is a runner and is getting ready to run a half marathon in March. I would love to surprise him by being able to run a mile with him but my question to you is: When you started running, did your knees hurt? If so, how did you get past the pain? I have rock hard abs from walking but afraid what the jolt of running to the knees will do. Thanks for sharing your journey. My blog is over at www.dachshundstrong.blogspot.com I haven't blogged in a while but you can get to know me there.

    ReplyDelete
  42. It goes both ways for me. When I was bigger I would have days when I thought I was looking thinner, and when I was at my lightest I continued to suck it all in for photos. But if I look back at those "fat" photos I was always thinking the same thing as I do now - how to make myself look as thin as possible. At the moment I'm gaining weight and it's freaking me out, but I refuse to buy bigger clothes... and I also avoid having my photo taken!

    ReplyDelete
  43. Do we share the same brain? This is exactly how I feel/felt! Love you girl!

    ReplyDelete
  44. You are absolutely amazing to me. I admire you for opening up your life to share with all of us. It takes such a great amount of courage to allow yourself to be so vulnerable, to expose your very fears and insecurities. I appreciate how strong you are. It inspires me to try to overcome my own fears and insecurities and to work at shedding the walls that I cushion my own body with. Thank-you for sharing!

    ReplyDelete
  45. I used to try to hide my "breathlesness" when walking and talking on the phone at the same time. My friend would say why are you so out of breath? I would say "Oh I had to just run for a bus". But really I didn't it was just hard to walk. I love this post. I can really relate to it. Everything in this post is exactly how I have been feeling.

    ReplyDelete
  46. I also experience body dysmorphic disorder, but in the way that you did at 253 pounds. I am about 215 right now, and it amazes me that the person I see in the mirror isn't reflected in pictures that are taken of me. My mind simply can't accept that I look like that. Because I feel like I look smaller. Which is different than actually feeling smaller. Because I feel as big as I am. I just can't make myself believe that I look like that. Which makes it a bit more difficult, I think, to lose weight... But I keep "starting over" ever week after I've fallen off the wagon.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Yep. I completely feel the same way when I look at old photos of myself. I never thought that I was as heavy as I actually was until I started losing. And even though I haven't been that heavy in years, I went to hug someone that I hadn't seen in a long time just the other day and he went to pick me up - I cringed and wriggled away from him because I was sure that he'd break his back if he even tried to pick me up. It's hard to get out of that mentality, even after all this time.
    You look outstanding, by the way - heavy or thin :)

    ReplyDelete
  48. With you as part of my inspiration I've lost 18 pounds the past 2 months! Every photo I have I can remember the same feelings and thoughts that I was having at that time as well. I don't loose my breath too much but often feel heavy physically. Like someone is holding me back and down. I'm carrying around another 100 pound gal with me at all times. I want to run further and faster and feel held back. I want to run, jump, and play with my kids without worrying what the neighbors will see. This is the first time in years I've decided to look at the reasons I've sabotaged myself in the past. It's hard but as I've made a life change with food from here on it's what I've had to do. As always thanks for sharing even when it's hard.

    ReplyDelete
  49. Loved this post :) It's kind of nice to know there are other people out there who have had the same experiences! The breathlessness, the photos? Welcome to my life! Just what I needed today to end my pity party and get back on track; I'm not there yet, but at least I haven't given up! Thanks Katie :)

    ReplyDelete
  50. This post is pretty much how I've felt since I started my weight loss journey. So far I've lost 60 lbs, and have 15 lbs till I hit my goal. I have no idea what I really look like other than knowing that my clothing sizes are different and what people tell me. I look at pictures at my heaviest and always thought I felt smaller and compare pictures to now and feel the same, but more fit. I can run and hike up hills without losing my breath. So the difference is not in what I see, but in how I feel, so there is that. I will always my entire life, think about my weight. Sometimes I get so bummed b/c so much of my waking life is about what I'm going to eat, should I eat that, will this make me fat, I wish I could eat that, should I work out, if I don't I'll get fat, etc. Katie, as you mentioned, these are the cards we were dealt, so we have to deal with it. When I get down about those cards, I think about how lucky I am that it's not something I can control. I don't have cancer, I don't have a birth defect, I CAN run, how many people can't? It's all in how you look at it right? Also, no matter what, I will always try to make myself look skinny in pictures, it's a woman thing :-) Great post!!

    ReplyDelete
  51. I've been so up and down with my own weight. I know that it has totally confused my own body image. I've always exercised quite a bit, so it's also easy for me to pretend I'm healthier or smaller than I really am. Anyways, I have found www.mybodygallery.com to be very helpful. It's been helpful for showing me what I look like now and what I might look like at a smaller weight. Your blog is great. I found it the other day when I was reading about losing weight and related subjects on the internet. You really have an ability to write too, which makes it a much more readable blog than other blogs out there. I hope you do put a book together one day.

    ReplyDelete

I'd love to hear from you! I read all of my comments, and if you have a question, I do my best to respond; sometimes, however, I get busy and forget to go back to reply, so if it's important, just email me! :)