August 02, 2019

Avoidance?

I have totally been avoiding blogging this week. And counting calories, like I'd said I was going to. And deliberate exercise, another promise. And even going out, other than for cross country.

It's not even that I'm going through a depressive episode. I was just feeling so overwhelmed that I put myself in a little bubble of avoidance. I feel like I need a time out--stop the clock, chill for a few days without worrying about all the things I'm NOT doing--and then resume life without the consequences of having fallen behind.

Does that make any sense?

On my last post, I wrote about feeling like I need to count calories again to drop some of this extra weight and feel better. I think that the extra weight is contributing to the recent avoidance. A couple of days ago, Jerry asked me to go to his softball game, and I was too embarrassed to go. The last time I went I was in great shape.

I think one of the, if not the biggest, drawbacks to being so public about my weight loss/gain/loss/gain cycle is that I know people notice it. They may not say anything, but of course they are going to notice. Ten pounds over my goal weight, I can handle. Everybody's weight fluctuates now and then. But being thirty pounds over my original goal weight makes a very big difference.

I need some new workout clothes. Mine are too small and since I haven't been running, I haven't bought anything that fits. Even getting dressed for cross country is challenging. So, I think I'll go to Salvation Army today and find a few things (mainly tops) to wear. Maybe that will help motivate me to want to exercise.

Changing the way I eat has been the hardest. I've gotten so used to not counting calories over the last few years that I find it so difficult to get back into it. I don't mind the idea of counting; I just forget how I used to take the time to plan things out. And few of the foods I used to eat appeal to me anymore. I planned out two weeks worth of dinners and their shopping lists, so that isn't the problem. It's breakfast, lunch, and a snack/treat that challenge me.

With the exercise (specifically running, which I would really love to get back into), I just can't find motivation to do it. I know that once I get in a solid routine, I'll be able to get used to it. It's the first couple of months of runs that suck, because it feels so much harder than it used to. It feels like I'll never get in shape again! When I was losing the weight nearly a decade ago, I was running faster and easier than I am now, even being thinner now than I was back then. I know that I need to be patient, put in the work, and just get it over with already.

I actually really do miss running. I never know what to say when people ask me if I still run. Sure I do... about once or twice a month. I've now taken a full two-year hiatus, and I know I want to get back to it--the desire is there--but I truly am a beginner again. There is nothing wrong with walking instead of running, but I miss the way that running made me feel. I felt strong, fit, determined and proud of myself.

I decided on a fun idea for the kids at cross country on our "long run" practices. I'm going to tell the kids that whoever can run longer than I do without stopping or walking will be able to choose a prize from my bag. I have such a hard time getting them to do even one 0.25-mile lap without stopping or walking! They are ALL capable of doing it. They will have to do it at their races. They just run too fast from the start, and teaching them to pace themselves is so difficult.

So, when they see me running painfully slow, maybe they'll see that they can keep going. I know that I can do about 3 miles (which is about 38 minutes or so for me right now) and it'll be interesting to see if any of them can match that with the motivation of a prize at the end.

Anyway, this whole post is not meant to be one giant complaint or lots of excuses. I know what I need to do and I've done it before. Like everyone else, I wish I could just blink and be back to feeling and looking my best. Since that isn't going to happen, I have to make a plan and put the blinders on. I need to go through the motions until it feels natural again. Once I start seeing results, I'll feel the determination that I need to see it through.

I do get the motivation doses several times a week, especially after each cross country practice. But it's the determination that I'm lacking. (Here is a post I wrote about the difference between the two and why motivation doesn't get you to reach your goal for weight loss.) My biggest obstacle that I have now that wasn't there before is chronic pain. The carpal tunnel, my back issue, knots in my shoulders, and an odd pain when I bend my elbows (the muscles in my forearm and upper arm just above and below my elbow). I'm also older.

When I was running regularly, I didn't have any of these physical problems except for the back pain, but that was there since I was a kid. I've been to numerous specialists about that and tried all sorts of treatments, but nothing works. However, I can deal with that as I always have. I'm just hoping that the other problems will resolve by taking better care of myself.

So, like I said, this post isn't to complain, but rather to just sort my thoughts about this avoidance that is going on. I've done it before and I KNOW that I can do it again. I would love to be able to document it here as I make progress, so another goal that I have is to write more frequently and stop avoiding it. I just never know what to write when I haven't worked on my goals.

Thank you to those of you that have said you are in the same boat. I am sorry that you are going through it, too, but it really helps to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way! I appreciate the support and kind words more than I can even express. I wish you the best as you work on this with me!

I was hoping to find some photos to share of the past week, but I really don't have much! But here are a few...

These are some of the foods I've been eating lately. I've been eating a lot of fruit (I'm obsessed with cherries right now--they are so expensive, so I rarely buy them, but they've been on sale for $1.99/pound this week.

These are my Banana Oat Bran Muffins with added blueberries, topped with Cinnamon Raisin Swirl peanut butter by Peanut Butter & Co.:



This is a chicken fajita bowl that I made when peppers were on sale:



I had a huge craving for roasted cauliflower with parmesan cheese, something I used to make when I was losing weight. I love this! (Just cut cauliflower into florets and toss with a little olive oil, parmesan cheese, salt and pepper. Then roast at 425℉ until it gets little brown bits on it.)



And I love watermelon season! Watermelon is one of my very favorite fruits. I am horrible and choosing good ones (they are either mushy or they are horribly underripe) so I don't buy them often. But Jerry usually has good luck, and he bought this one. It lasted all of two days in my house ;)




I went to visit my friend Spencer, who is now in hospice care at home. If you don't remember, he has stage IV brain cancer. I wanted to bring him something, but I had no idea what to bring. I ended up choosing a Red Wings Tervis tumbler (he's a big Red Wings fan) and a couple of pairs of cool socks. I thought they looked rather hipster, and since we share a love of Portland... ;)




There is a new squirrel coming around, who we've named Chip (as in Chip Matthews, from Friends) because he has a little chip in his ear (not "chip" as in microchip, but rather a little tear). He's not quite as bold as Tuck, but he is getting braver now that he knows we give him nuts.

If you remember, Eli bought me a bird feeder for Mother's Day so that the birds would quit stealing the squirrels' peanuts. Well, since we got the bird feeder, the squirrels do everything they can to eat the food from the bird feeder--including dangling by the very tips of their toes to reach the feeder. It's hilarious! So, when I saw this shirt on Amazon I just HAD to buy it for Eli. It's too perfect ;)



The squirrels are getting quite spoiled now--I recently spent about $60 on nuts for them! I got walnuts, pecans, and hazelnuts all in-shell (healthier than peanuts for squirrels). We have a big jar sitting by the back door for when they come begging.


Right now, I'm going to head out to Salvation Army for some workout tops. I hope that my next post will show a little better progress!


26 comments:

  1. Have you read the book The F*ck It Diet? I read it a few weeks ago and it was so eye opening. I want to lose weight but it was like whatever I did I just couldn't stick to. I want to look and feel by best but I don't want to be on a diet. It's such a tricky place to be!

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    1. I read a few chapters of it, and I listened to the gist on her podcast. I really love it, and the whole concept is fantastic! I just wish I could get there mentally. After I listened to the podcast and started her principles, I gained this weight pretty quickly. I wish I loved my body at this weight, but that's just not the case. I don't mind a few extra pounds, but when I'm uncomfortable doing things that should be easy, I start thinking about weight loss again. Like you said, it's tricky!

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  2. I totally get what you're saying. I've gained back all the weight I've lost :( For some reason though, it doesn't feel as bad as I thought it would. I really don't mind being a "thicker" girl. I always was one! And trying to maintain my lowest weight when I was there was SO much work. Definetly not willing to do that ever again. But I do want to lose maybe 10-20 pounds. Mostly just to fit in some of my pants again and not have to buy new! Lol

    I'm so torn though on just how to lose it! That's sounds silly when I type it out lol. But I'm like, do I count calories even though I hate it so much and be miserable? Or do I keep trying to eat intuitively and hope for the best? Or maybe a compromise of the two and count my calories for breakfast and lunch just so I have a gauge of where I'm at during the day. When I'm at work is the worst for me snacking wise. I have a desk job and I just feel like I need to snack alllll the time.

    Wow okay sorry for the tangent. To sum up lol, you have a lot of people supporting you Katie! Me included! You have to do what makes you happy! You'll find that groove and the routine again before you know it! As long as you're happy! I was excited to see a new blog update from you, I always love reading your posts! Wishing you the best as always! <3

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    1. I definitely know what you mean about trying to even figure out how to lose it! I don't want to be strict, but I don't want to keep gaining weight, either. I was fine with counting calories when I was doing it, but now it's hard to get back in that mindset. I'm just so indecisive!

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  3. Re: picking good watermelons: choose ones that are lighter green, have a large yellowish spot on one side, and sounds hollow when you knock on it. The yellow spot means it's been siting on the ground ripening for awhile, whereas no yellow spot means it was picked too soon :)

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    1. Thanks for the tip! I'm going to buy one this week, and we'll see how I do ;)

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  4. i'm right there with you in needing to find my determination. have you thought about trying to find a totally different form of exercise this time around? maybe running is no longer the way to go. like a group exercise class? if i recall you liked bike riding at one point? hang in there

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    1. I really wish that other exercises interested me! I do like riding my bike, but it's very inconvenient where I live. We don't have bike lanes or paths and the roads are very rough. So, I'd have to drive somewhere with my bike.

      I actually do like having running as my go-to exercise... when it's not so hard ;) Right now, it feels SO challenging because I've gotten so out of shape. If I can just get back in shape, I won't take it for granted again! haha

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  5. I have learned that to stay consistent with exercise I have to forget about motivation. Sometimes I need to do something even when I don't want to do it--where's my motivation for cleaning the toilets, or drying the dishes? It has to get done, that's all. I try to get a run in first thing in the morning, but sometimes my husband and I will run in the evenings, and I look forward to that so much! It's like a date. Maybe Jerry could go running with you?

    One thing I always have told my kids when I'm taking them to go running: I never, ever regret a run. Even if I felt slow, or it felt awful when I started out, when I'm done, I'm so glad I did it. You never regret a run. A few weeks ago I wiped out on a buckled piece of asphalt at the park, and busted my knees pretty badly, after just a quarter mile. My son asked me if I regretted that run. I said no, because I got out there and moved my body!

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    1. I love this! Your analogy of comparing it to chores is helpful. Of course I hate doing dishes and scooping the litter box and stuff like that, but it HAS to be done. So maybe if I think of it that way, I can get back in that routine. Jerry has said he'll run with me, but I feel bad because I'm SO slow right now!

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  6. "Start from where you are" - I too am trying to follow this advice, but it's hard. Thinking good thoughts for you

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    1. This is one of the hardest things to keep in mind on a weight loss journey! I cannot compare myself to how I was last year or two years ago or even ten years ago. I can only use today as a starting point. Thank you!

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  7. I have to share that I have always felt that we are just about the same person, LOL, we share so many similarities, struggles, and successes. Your honesty is so refreshing. It is SO helpful to se myself reflected on social media, to know you dont have all the answers, either, and are just as human as the rest of us and figuring life out as you go. I wish it were easier for all of us, but I also admire how strong we all are for how hard we work to figure it all out. So thank you, as always, for your transparency, your vulnerability, and your trust :) We appreciate you.

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    1. Thank you so much for the kind words, Sonja! I always hate posting about my struggles, but they're simply a fact of life. And everyone has them!

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  8. Good luck you can do it! I find it much easier to lose weight in summer as the fruit is so much tastier and cheaper. I recently made some progress by not eating just cos others did and not eating when stressed out and not using food as a reward. Well maybe grapes. Shopping for how you are now sounds good. One thing at a time.

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    1. Yes! I love fresh fruit in the summer. I find it harder to lose weight in the summer because of all the barbecues and get togethers, but I do love the fresh fruit :)

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  9. Lucky squirrels at your house! That watermelon looks better than the one I just got. I have a hard time getting motivated to exercise too. I walk but need to do more. Good thoughts are sent your way.

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    1. Thank you! The squirrels are definitely getting spoiled--but they make me so happy :)

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  10. For the carpal tunnel, are you wearing a brace at night? When I started getting carpal tunnel, I wore a plain brace at night and the pain eventually went away.

    For some of the other pain issues, have you done some yoga? Of course, I'm no doctor blah blah blah, but when I had some back pain I did yoga for a while and the pain went away. I did this because someone else said it worked for them. Totally anecdotal, but I just followed a video on youtube (Adrienne, I think?), and it was a free, easy way to try to help my back.

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    1. I have a brace, but I haven't been wearing it. I need to get it out and start wearing it at night again. I just found that it didn't help (probably because I wasn't wearing it enough) so I tucked it away.

      I love the idea of doing yoga, but my back pain is so bad when twisting or bending that just the thought of yoga makes me cringe. My biggest issue is when twisting at the waist or bending from side to side--and I feel like that's what yoga is! Maybe there is a gentle version?

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  11. I've been in the same 100 lb gain/loss cycle since junior high. Now I'm in my 40s and feel very weary of the whole mess. My goal was 165. Had gotten to 169 at Christmas (AGAIN) but this spring we moved, both home and business, and are doing a major remodel on the new place. Everything is in chaos and has been for months and I'm back up to 200 lbs and doing the same old thing: avoiding friends, living in stretchy-waist shorts and baggy t-shirts, beating myself up over not being back on track every single day. Trying to figure it out all over again. I really enjoy reading your blog! Seems like a lot of us are in the same boat.

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    1. What you described sounds so familiar to me--especially the clothing! I found that stress is my number one trigger for over eating and just not caring about my diet in the moment. Anxiety isn't a trigger, but feeling overwhelmed and stressed out is a huge one!

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  12. I just watched the movie from Fat to Finish where you ran the Ragnar race in Florida and was quite impressed with the ambitious goal that was set. I had never heard of that. That really inspired me. I am not a regular runner but just did my first official 5k run yesterday evening. I actually do not like running and I always have to "force" myself to do it. But I set a goal this year. I would like to do a 5k and a 10k this year. The 5k I can now check off. The 10k I am planning for September and am now planning how to train for that. The movie gave me more determination and I thank you for that.

    I understand your struggles you are going through right now. But keep in mind, you inspire people who know those struggles. You will find your way again. :)

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    1. Thank you so much! And a huge congrats on your first official 5K--isn't it awesome to do something that you never thought you could? My first run was about 30 seconds long and I felt like I was going to die. And two years later, I ran a full marathon. It's amazing what our bodies can adapt to!

      Best wishes on your 10K training. You'll have to let me know how it goes! :)

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  13. I haven't been able to run for a week now because my right hip is so painful! I used to take glucosamine and it really does work, but when I ran out of it the last time, I just forgot about it. Now I'm back to taking it again, and trying to be patient 'cause it takes a while to start helping. If it doesn't happen soon, I'll feel like I'm starting all over with exercise, and it's harder and so not fun! Might have to switch from treadmill to Elliptical.. yuck! Katie, maybe try the Glucosamine? I think we can all relate.

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  14. Hi Katie,
    I never read your posts as whining. I read them as real. You are so honest with your journey, and I appreciate that. It was so awesome to watch your journey to lose weight the first time, and everything you conquered. But I really relate to this struggle. I have often weighed about 20 pounds more than I "should" or want to. I'll be 55 this October and I don't want this to be my life's struggle. I want to conquer this and feel comfortable in my body, which I haven't for a long time. The sad thing is, if I lost 20 pounds, I would be back to where I was 15 years ago, and I thought I was fat then!

    Anyway, I love running too, but I'm no good at running long miles by myself. So I start with a couch to 5K, and I can get myself out the door with that. Because I know it's not THAT strenuous, but it's something. And I'll usually add on a bit so that I'm run/walking for 40 minutes instead of 30. Maybe that would get you out the door to run? And I'm super competitive with myself but now I just tell myself who cares how slow I am? Just get out the door. Slow is better than no (running)! Thanks for your blog, Katie!

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