March 07, 2019

A Belated Wednesday Weigh-In (and horrible anxiety)


Estelle manages to work her way into just about every picture I take.

I did not forget that I had planned to start doing Wednesday Weigh-Ins again! I was just feeling very anxious yesterday and the thought of writing a post was making it worse.

I know that I wrote recently about it, and I wish I could say it's better. But holy cow, I'm going through a VERY tough episode right now, and my anxiety is horrible. I don't know what triggered it; I just wish that it would go away!

I'm not "worried"; that's what is hard to explain to people who don't have anxiety. I'm not worried about something; I just have this overall constant feeling of doom and guilt, and I feel like a terrible person and that I have things that I was supposed to do but didn't. Or that I should be doing more. As I've said before, I know these aren't rational thoughts.
I know I'm a good person.
I know that I don't have anything to feel guilty about.
I (don't think) anything bad is going to be happening anytime soon.
I think I've kept up with my "to do" list (well, other than to blog more frequently; but I get anxious about even doing that).

It makes no sense, then, that I would have these feelings. I was thinking that it could possibly be because I quit drinking, and now I have nothing to "relieve" that anxious feeling or to relax. Food always used to be my "go to" to feel better momentarily, and even that hasn't been an issue lately. My anxiety was so bad this past week that I just didn't have much of an appetite at all.

I was feeling depressed for a few weeks, but that has let up quite a bit. Now, it's just the anxiety. I think the depression may have been coming from the "let down" of being almost finished with this huge house makeover project. Remember after I ran my 10K PR in 2016 after training SO hard for it for months? Then I went into a deep depression for 10 months afterward. I felt like, "Now what?"

I've focused so much on this house makeover I started in August and worked so hard on daily for months. It became a huge part of my life--something I was very excited about. It's pretty much finished (I just took a bunch of "after" photos to post, hopefully in the next few days), so I am probably feeling a let down similar to the post-10K training.

My bipolar mind wants to say that I need to pick a new obsession, but I know that isn't the answer. I need to find something I enjoy that doesn't have any pressure--something that is truly just enjoyable for me but without a big commitment or even a real purpose. I hate feeling pressured, and right now, with this anxiety, pressure is the last thing I need.

I feel like running would be a great answer for me, but with running, I feel pressure. I know that I put the pressure on myself, so I can just as easily take it off. I would love to get back to doing it regularly, because I know that it helped a lot with anxiety. And I just felt healthier. I will try to come up with a "non-pressure" running plan for myself ;) I wish it was warmer outside--going for walks would be nice, and I wouldn't feel any pressure from that. I don't enjoy walking in this cold, though.

I really liked building things with wood while working on the house. Even just taking an old bookshelf and turning it into a "pet feeding station" was fun for me. So, I thought that maybe I could do some more things like that and try to sell them on Facebook Marketplace. That would be fun and productive without putting any pressure on myself.

So, those are just some ideas that I had. The anxiety is making me feel like everything is all wrong, and the depression makes me feel like it won't ever get better. But I think if I can get some momentum, maybe I can pull myself out of this funk soon!

My appetite seems to have returned over the last couple of days. Nevertheless, here is my weigh in for this week:


I was back in the 150's! This was actually longer than a week--my weigh in last time was on a Monday, so this was nine days later. Still, it's a huge jump from my starting weight of 165.8.

As I said, my appetite hasn't been very big due to the high anxiety; but it's starting to go back to normal. I definitely haven't been eating for emotional reasons, though, which is great! I just remind myself that eating isn't going to take away the anxiety. It never has, and it never will.

It's kind of funny; I was desperately trying to lose weight for months, and it barely budged a few pounds here and there. Finally, I wrote the post about starting completely fresh and forgetting the past--not thinking about what I used to weigh, or how fast I used to run, or any of that. Just starting fresh on a brand new Day 1. I think that mindset really helped me this week and gives me some drive to keep going. I'm not aiming for the past--I'm just aiming for what I can do now.

I hadn't done my body fat in a long time, so I decided to do this, too. I don't remember what my last one was, but again--that was in the past. This is where I am right now, so this is what I'm starting at. My body fat is 30.5%.


I'm definitely happy with the weight loss, and seeing the 150's again (for the first time in a very long time!). Mostly, I'm glad that I'm not doing any emotional eating, and I'm thinking rationally about it. I know that eating isn't going to take away the anxiety, so I only eat when I'm hungry.

I haven't been counting calories, either. I've just been eating "intuitively" but on a loose schedule. Basically, the same thing I was doing for most of 2017. I would love to be able to lose this extra weight without counting calories. Maybe now that I'm not drinking and I'm taking control of emotional eating, I'll be able to do just that!

By the way, thanks so much for the super nice comments, suggestions, emails, and just general support lately. I know I've written some heavy posts! It really helps when I know that I'm not the only one going through things (such as the anxiety). I appreciate it more than I can express!


22 comments:

  1. Hi Katie - Anxiety is a b*tch. I hate it. I do want to gently suggest that I (fellow anxiety sufferer) disagree with one point of your approach - you say you want to tackle something that you enjoy but without a big commitment of purpose. I have found - for me, anyway - that purpose is EVERYTHING. Purpose gets me outside of my own head that fuels my anxiety, and into a fresh, others-focused perspective and that changes everything. You are so amazingly handy - I'm in awe of that. I think you would be an AMAZING Habitat for Humanity volunteer. Do you have that in your area? You would get to do something you enjoy that would help others. Maybe your local senior center has volunteer opportunities to help seniors with little projects around their homes? That would be great! Just some ideas. Best of luck to you! I know this is all so hard!

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  2. Praying your anxiety decreases and that you find something that helps. I'm trying to get back into running too. This week I had a breakthrough. I promised myself I'd run two minutes in place every day. Is amazing how much better I feel. It seems like such a small amount, but it's building the habit. I don't have to worry about getting changed or showering after (which with a newborn just seemed too much). It's making me feel like a fit healthy person again. And I know I can build on it. Just a thought. Good luck. I love reading your blog.

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    1. I think running in place is a brilliant idea! Setting the bar super low and you don't even have to get dressed to go outside!

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    2. I started doing 50 lunges every morning when I first get up. It takes so little time, it is hard to justify skipping doing it, and I have been solid for over three weeks now. I know my legs are getting stronger.

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  3. Hi Katie, I know what anxiety is. It started for me in my early 20's as panic attacks. Took so long to figure out what was going on. I take imipramine every night and it helps. Nobody can imagine what it's like unless they too have dealt with it. Running helps, but for now I have to avoid it because of neck pain the past three days and running makes it worse. Hang in there! You're smart and a good person. Take care!

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  4. You describe what it's like to have anxiety so perfectly. Unfortunately, it's a feeling I know all too well. I may copy and paste and send to my husband because I have struggled to explain to him what it feels like.

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  5. I don't know if there are any trails near you, but trail running might be a great way to have fun running, with zero pressure. Pace is irrelevant on trail, and impossible to compare to road due to the different terrain, uphills, downhills, etc. So, it could be a fresh perspective on running - and pressure-free! Plus, it's so fun! I think you could potentially find it so refreshing.

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  6. Congratulations on the weight loss. No good advice but I think the trail running and running in place ideas are super smart. I am sorry you are suffering!

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  7. Just wondering - have you tried Xanax? I have anxiety too and when I'm in a negative spiral, it really helps. If you're only on bipolar meds, it might be worth asking your doctor about something like Xanax or Klonopin (a friend of mine has bipolar and anxiety and Klonopin really helps her).

    Wishing you health. My anxiety has been getting the worst of me lately. I'm hoping it's just the long winter and it will get better as spring starts.

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  8. How about some volunteering? A nursing home, a library, a hospital? A place where you can go and talk to people? I know it's hard when you are feeling anxious and depressed, but it could maybe help you to focus on someone else's problems... I am as well feeling way too anxious at the moment, and the pit in my stomach is killing me... hang in there, it will pass

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    1. Or with an animal rescue! Katie, you could maybe help out with cats and kittens and get a dose of both cuteness, and helping out?

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  9. Reading helps my anxiety! Something fiction, that takes you away from "real life" for a while. Think fluffy romance or fantasy or something along those lines.

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  10. Hang in there, it will get better eventually. If nothing else the weather will get better and walks will be back. Early flowers have started to come out here in the UK so thats something to look forward. You have great ideas of what to do already. One more to consider, meeting up with friends. Even a little chat with one friend can help. Maybe a daytime 'chat with friend' date can give you something to look forward to. Nothing with any pressure! On a posative note... You can do this!

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  11. I’ve read your blog on and off for ages but never commented. Just want to say I’ve suffered with anxiety at different times throughout my life and it’s awful but you’re not alone. I am on medication now and it’s helped me. I hope it gets better for you soon. Reading about your journey has always inspired me and I think you’re a lovely person so do be kind to yourself!

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  12. I have just recently discovered your blog and I find your story very inspirational! I think it's amazing how you acknowledge your struggles and don't try to sugarcoat your bipolar or anxiety. You have done what I have wanted to for decades and actually lost weight. Keep up the good work, you look wonderful! As a side note, I also struggle with depression and anxiety. I didn't realize I had anxiety but kept winding up in the ER because I was having episodes where I couldn't breathe and thought I was going to die. They would check my oxygen levels and found that I was actually getting too much oxygen at that moment because I was breathing in and out so heavily trying to get air. Once I found out these were anxiety attacks it was easy to manage them with medication. My husband doesn't understand when I say I am having one but don't feel like I'm anxious about anything. It doesn't really make much sense to me either!

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  13. Anxiety is a pain in the ass, and so random sometimes. Hugs!

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  14. Cheering for you, Katie! I wonder if it’s realistic to try to find something with no pressure? Because the way I understand it, anxiety can turn anything into a pressure cooker. So maybe it’s more about getting clear about how you want to live and feel like and what you value and living in alignment with those things in spite of the anxiety and the pressured feelings? Because otherwise, trying to dodge the anxiety and pressured feelings will be what drives your life rather than your values, goals, and living the life you want. ACT therapy has a lot of great strategies for dealing with anxiety. Might be something to check into. Great job getting back at it and fighting the good fight!

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  15. Thanks for your continued honesty about your struggles. You are definitely not alone. My son suffers from serious depression and anxiety, and it's a big challenge. Hugs from North Texas!

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  16. Have you considered calling your psychiatrist? Since you're already an established patient, the wait to get in, or at least get your phone call returned, shouldn't be too long; and I should think he/she would want to know that your treatment plan isn't working, and be able to offer some suggestions, either medication-wise or otherwise (i.e. counselling) to relieve you of this misery. Good luck!

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  17. You are amazing. I hope to one day lose weight without counting macros. Someday. <3

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  18. Katie,
    You are doing wonderfully I love reading your blog because you are always honest and real. You will get there; just keep doing what you know works!

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  19. Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable. That takes courage. You inspire me so much. I also suffer with anxiety and depression and started my running training again today. I’ve got about 30 pounds to lose and I know it will take time, but I can do it. Running clears my head and makes me feel better about myself. Hang in there.

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I used to publish ALL comments (even the mean ones) but I recently chose not to publish those. I always welcome constructive comments/criticism, but there is no need for unnecessary rudeness/hate. But please--I love reading what you have to say! (This comment form is super finicky, so I apologize if you're unable to comment)

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