December 22, 2017

"When the Fat Girl Gets Skinny"

I wanted to share this on Wednesday, but I have been feeling sad recently and just wasn't feeling up to writing a blog post; so I'll just post this now. Better late than never. (Seems to be my motto lately!)

See how happy Joey is that I made him cuddle with me? Hahaha.

Ever since I saw the performance of "OCD", a poem by Neil Hilborn, I have been really into watching videos of slam poetry from Button Poetry. They post all sorts of performance poetry, and the OCD one just blew my mind. (I shared that on this Mental Health Monday post--definitely watch it!)

This one came across my Facebook feed a few days ago, and I was just completely floored. It needs to be seen by every woman who has ever dieted, or felt inferior because of her weight, or had any sort of eating disorder, or who is tired of all the stress that comes from weight--losing, gaining, maintaining, etc.

This particular video is by Blythe Baird, a recovering anorexic. She describes the pressure to be thin, and how society makes us feel like we have to be thin to be worth something. Also, the lengths that we will go to in order to be small.

Isn't that powerful? My favorite line is, "I only feel pretty when I'm hungry". It's so sad, but I have felt that way so many times in my life. 
Also, "the calculator in my head finally stopped". I have FINALLY gotten to that point after years of thinking about food in terms of how many calories or points it has. The numbers don't really cross my mind anymore. Someday, I hope I will get to the point where the number on the scale or the number on my clothing tags don't cross my mind, either--but I'm not quite there yet. 
Speaking of which, the scale has been creeping up for the last month or so--and on Wednesday, I was at 137.2. I've written before about the thought process that happens when gaining weight, and how a two pound gain turns into a thirty pound gain. Basically, it goes like this (for me, anyway):
Starting at 133, my goal weight.
At 135: Oh, it's just two pounds, I can take that off in a day or two of eating well. It's just water weight.
At 138: Well, I'm still under 140, so it's not that bad! I just need a week or two of being back on track.
At 141: I'm only a little over 140, so getting back under 140 won't take much effort at all. 
At 145: I'm still far below 150, and I'll never let myself get back to 150.
At 149: Yeesh, I'd better get back on track. Thankfully, I'm not in the 150's, though.
At 151: Okay, Katie, get with it! You're over 150 now. But at least you're in the very low 150's, so it won't take long to get back in the 140's. 
And that's the way it goes. I can easily see how people gain back all of the weight they've lost. I know how quickly and easily it comes on, especially when thinking of it like I wrote above! 
So, while I'm not panicked at 137 right now, I do know I need to be careful not to get into that mentality. "Well, at least I'm not at 140..." and then "I'm only at 141, it'll be easy to get back in the 130's..." etc. 
My appetite is starting to decrease a little since I decided to stop drinking. This year has given me a lot of insight--I'm sure that alcohol causes an increase in my appetite for days after drinking. 
I was wondering why my appetite was so low during the summer, when usually it's pretty high; I wasn't drinking at all during the summer, and I bet that has a lot to do with it. Normally, summertime means margaritas, shandy, and summery cocktails... and I never paid enough attention to notice that my increase in appetite coincides with alcohol consumption. 
I'm curious to see if not drinking will continue to decrease my appetite and help me get my weight back down to my comfortable range of 131-134. 
I have really loved learning so much about my body and my mind this year! 


  1. Wow did you just get into my mind. I am going through the same thing right now. Around April I finally got to 184 I was so happy!! Then I slowly starting gaining 3 pounds up and 3 pounds down. Saying the exact same things you were saying about "Oh that is just a few pounds I can get it back off" "It will only take a week." I have said this until I am up 10 pounds. I am so down and I hate that I am up 10 pounds I really want to get this last 35 pounds off. You are such a motivation. Thank you and Merry Christmas!

  2. I have that same self talk. Funny. I've always tried to lose weight during the holidays which has never ever worked. This year I told myself I would be successful if I stayed in the 140's. So, I'm giving myself a ten pound leeway during the holidays. It seems to be working. I'm at 143 this morning instead of 149.9 which is where I imagined I'd end up. :-)

  3. I hope your feeling better soon Katie. The depression probably has a lot to do with your minor weight gain. Once again I am in the midst of a food frenzy, and have regained (for the third time since my original 178-pound loss) 50+ lbs. So frustrating. You'd think at my age (almost 67) I'd have this figured out, but addictions are tough and I realize I'm going to have to deal with mine for the rest of my life. But if I don't deal with it, that life is going to be a lot shorter, because 300+ lb. women don't live that long. Merry Christmas to you and your sweet family Katie and my wish for you is good health, both mental and physical in 2018. Your dear friend, Pam

  4. What a powerful video! Thanks for sharing! The thought process you describe is so real and it has led me over the past year to a 20 pound re-gain-slowly over the year. I was going to put off weighing in until next week to give myself one more week to lose before I faced the scale but I decided to meet this head on and just move forward with trying to get back to my goal weight. This is around my 4th try at maintaining a loss(honestly I've lost track). I know if I could get over the thought process you describe above and do something at a 5 pound gain versus a 20 pound gain I know it would be a lot easier. So that is what I'm going to try to focus on changing. My word for the year is "nurture", which is what I'm going to try to do do to my body/health this year. Be kinder to myself. I read somewhere about treating yourself like you would care for a child-giving healthy food, treats in moderation adequate rest, time for play etc.


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