I had 60 minutes on the schedule today with tempo intervals:
15 minutes easy (6.0 mph)
5x (5 minutes hard 7.0 mph, 2 minutes easy 6.0)
10 minutes easy (6.0)
My knee hasn't given me any problems, but again, I decided to stop if it started hurting at all. As soon as I started the first tempo interval, I was tempted to take the speed down to 6.5; but I knew I was just being a baby, and that 7.0 was was a good tempo pace for me. So I sucked it up and did all of the intervals at 7.0.
When I uploaded the run from my Garmin, I saw that I almost hit a big running milestone today:
Dr. Oz had a show about binge eating today, and it was really hard for me to watch. I could relate to the guests so much. My binge eating isn't nearly as severe as the guests on the show (anymore), but when I was obese, my binges were very similar. Dr. Oz showed some images of a person before and after a binge, and the huge mass you see on the "after" photo is actually the person's stomach:
As if that wasn't bad enough, I was completely SHOCKED when I saw the autopsy photo that Dr. Oz showed. He said it was a person who had binged just before dying--and the stomach was SO BIG that the tissue actually died. I even took a picture of the TV screen, because I just couldn't believe it:
I'm absolutely terrified of posting what I'm about to post, but I think it may give some hope to people who have binge eating disorder. I am going to share an embarrassing journal entry from April 14, 2008--I wrote a tell-all, no-secrets entry about my binge eating. It's one of the most honest things I've ever written, and it makes me feel so ashamed when I read it.
I was in a very bad place when I wrote it, feeling like I had hit rock bottom. I was very ashamed to write it all down, and it's hard to read now that I've changed my lifestyle. Anyway, here is the post:
April 14, 2008
Every single night that I go to bed feeling full, I make promises to myself that I'm going to "do good" on the diet tomorrow and lose weight. I plan in my head how I'm going to do it--counting points or calories, or eating only when I'm hungry, or just eating healthy. I go to bed disgusted with myself for being such a pig.
Lately I've noticed just how bad my food addiction has gotten. And it truly is an addiction. It has interfered with my life in ways that are totally embarrassing. I probably think about food 99% of the day. I even dream about it. When I wake up, I think about what I'm going to eat first. When I'm eating, I'm thinking about what I'm going to eat next.
And the worst part is (this is the embarrassing part that I've never told anyone) that this affects the type of mom I am. I honestly LOOK FORWARD to my kids going to bed (naptime and bedtime) so that I can binge. I even rush them into napping and the second they lie down, I rush to the kitchen to grab food to binge on in front of the TV. I even find myself getting mad at my kids if they don't fall asleep right away or if they wake up early, because it ends my binge.
Smiling, but completely unhappy with myself
I've also been hiding food lately. I know that I can "safely" binge in front of my husband, but I'm embarrassed about it now. If I think I hear him wake up while I'm eating (he works nights, so he sleeps during the day), then I'll hurry up and hide the food I'm eating. I'll hide wrappers in the bottom of the trash so that he doesn't see it.
I've been using my kids as an excuse to binge, too. I'll tell my husband that the kids want pizza for dinner or something, which is a big binge food for me. Or fast food. Or I'll make cookies "to spend time with the kids" and then eat the whole batch.
I wish I could be satisfied with just a small amount of something, but I get this urge to fill my mouth, chew really fast and swallow over and over again. And as much as my stomach hurts afterwards, I crave that full feeling in my stomach. When I even think about restricting food, I get very anxious.
Another thing I do is plan out binges in my head. I'll think about what I'm going to eat and then I just have to wait for the appropriate time (usually when the kids are asleep). Once I've decided when I'm going to binge and on what, I get anxious--wanting to just do it now. It's like I can't do it fast enough.
During the binge itself, I just keep thinking, "Okay, what else can I eat?" and I eat until I'm so full I can't stand it. Afterwards, I get pissed at myself for doing it, and make promises to myself not to do it again. Then later, I think "Well, I already binged once today, I might as well do it again". I know what I'm doing could have serious consequences for me and my family, and I want to fix this. I just don't know how.Revealing those secrets was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Reading that just makes me feel awful; but I am also very proud of myself for overcoming it. I saw what it was doing to me as a mother, and doing to my family, and I changed it. The main reason I changed my lifestyle was because I wanted to be a better mom to my boys.
Getting over the binge eating wasn't easy by any means. I had to learn other ways to relax and relieve anxiety. And even now, sometimes my methods don't work, and I'll binge--but even the binges are different post-weight loss. I'm not secretive about it anymore, I don't buy the crappy binge food I used to, and I don't do it nearly as often as I used to. I am constantly thinking about what's best for my kids, and how I can be a good role model for them.
Anyway, posting this is extremely hard for me, so please be kind ;) I just want others who may be binge eaters to see that it IS possible to get better. It takes a lot of determination, but it's worth it! I am actually proud of the example I set for my kids now.
|After completing my first marathon|