Where did my crafting skill go?!

Whew! Here it is, after 11:00 pm, and I just now came in from the garage. I'd been dying to make something out there because the weather has been gorgeous and I love working in there with the doors open.

When my sister asked me if I could make some scrub caps for her, she sent me a picture (from the front) of what she needed. I found a scrub cap pattern and yesterday after my walk, I started carrying everything from my house to my garage. My sewing machine, serger, a huge box of fabric, a chest of all my sewing supplies, iron and ironing board, etc.

I set up a table in the garage with my sewing machine and the staple supplies around me. I printed out the pattern and got to work.

It was actually pretty fun to make! I was really excited to be able to make my own bias tape. I bought some little gadgets that you feed strips of fabric into and then you iron it as it comes out the other end, making perfect bias tape.

My sister loves her dogs, so I chose two fabrics that I thought would work well together--one with little bones and the other with little paw prints. By the time I had moved everything out there, got it all set up, and actually sewed the scrub cap, it had been over five hours!

I took a couple of quick pictures to send to Jeanie to make sure it was what she wanted before I started making some more.

And then I learned that she needs the caps where her hair is covered, too! It hadn't even occurred to me. I didn't see the back of her cap in her photo. So, the one that I made can't be used.

I went inside and started searching online for a good cap with ponytail holder and I couldn't find anything that looked like what she had described. It seemed like it would be such an easy pattern to just make up as I go along, but for the life of me, I couldn't do it.

Today, I was determined to try again. After much searching, I found a pattern that looked decent and I printed it out. I cut out the pieces and then that's where everything went to shit. The pattern directions and diagrams were terrible! I tried for a few hours and then I just gave up. I told Jeanie I am so sorry, but I can't do it.

My friend/reader Gail made one that looks perfect for what Jeanie wants, so I'm hoping to try her pattern! Maybe I'll have better luck.

I was still really wanting to make something today and when Jerry left for work, I was browsing Pinterest looking for ideas. I was feeling totally uninspired. 

I went out to the garage and decided to do something with a huge piece of plywood that's been sitting in there--the plywood looks terrible, so I wasn't sure what to use it for. I figured I could build something with it and then cover it with fabric. Jerry mentioned making an ottoman and I liked that idea. I'd seen somewhere a picture of an ottoman with a hole in the side for a cat to climb in, so I wanted to make a version of that.

I measured a cheap ottoman that we have so I knew what size to make (I added an inch to make it a little bigger for the cats). I started working on it at around 5:45 and I came in the house at just before 11 pm! 

I cut down the plywood on the table saw, glued and pocket hole screwed the pieces together into a cube. I used the jigsaw to cut out the shape of a cat's head in one side. I lined the entire inside and outside with an old fleece blanket, and then I used a gray canvas fabric to cover the outside. (I have SO MUCH of this gray canvas... I'd bought it to reupholster a couch, and we all know how that went.)

Well, I didn't have much luck with the ottoman, either. I made it too tall to comfortably rest your legs. It feels very lumpy from all the fabric. The blanket I'd used for the inside was stained here and there, and I wasn't worried about it because I didn't think it'd be visible. Well, it is. And there are staples visible all over.

Oh, well. If nothing else, the cats can play in it until they lose interest. I only used scrap materials, so it's not a big loss. And it kept me very busy!

I hope everyone had a great weekend!

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What I Am Most Grateful For (a writing prompt)

I mentioned recently that I wanted to start a gratitude journal this month. While I haven't actually started one yet, I thought this would be a good prompt to start off this month of gratitude.

What am I most grateful for?

I will forewarn you that this post is going to be incredibly cheesy and will make you cringe on so many levels. When writing about gratitude, it's hard NOT to get cheesy. However, this will top the cake. Don't say I didn't warn you!

There is no question about the one thing I am most grateful for in my life--and that would be Jerry. Yes, my kids are up there and most people would say that they should be number one, but without Jerry, they wouldn't exist--therefore, Jerry is my number one.

We've been together since May of 1999--over 21 years!--and I don't feel I could be any luckier with a spouse. I'm not going to pretend that our relationship is perfect, because we certainly have our moments. But as far as marriages go, ours is pretty damn close to being ideal. I've been told by many friends that our relationship is enviable.

Jerry has always loved me no matter what I've looked like or what "crazy" state of mind I've been in. Honestly, I don't know how he does it! If I was him, I'd have left a long time ago. I am a VERY difficult person to live with but he is so patient with me that it seems unreal.

Starting from the very month we began dating, he has done "little things" to make me feel special--leaving Cherry 7-Up in my car while I was at work, buying me ugly gas station flowers as a joke, drawing me goofy pictures of us, leaving me little notes in my car or dorm room at college. When we had the kids, he was the one to get up and feed them in the middle of the night, and never once complained or even questioned changing dirty diapers. (Here is a post I wrote with more detail about the earlier days--"This Is Why I Married Him")

These days, he does laundry or dishes if he sees that they need to be done and I haven't gotten around to them. When I was working so hard on the garage, he did pretty much all of the housework because I was spending so much time in the garage.

He is always pushing me to buy the things I have on my "wish list"--like a wood planer and a jointer. I just can't bring myself to spend that much money on ME, so I haven't yet--but someday I probably will, and he will be thrilled for me. He's been wanting to buy them for me, but I've told him that I'll kill him if he spends that much money on me ;) 

I am SO SO SO grateful that Jerry has a good job and is able to support us while I work from home. He even prefers that I stay at home with the kids--although they are in school now--and I love that I don't even feel guilty for it. Jerry makes sure that I feel good about our situation.

I thank him every day when he goes to work for supporting us because I want him to know how grateful I am. I don't think I can ever express how much I appreciate him, and I try to do what I can to show it. However, he has never made me feel like I don't do "enough". He knows that I work just as hard as he does during the day.

While an unfortunate 40% of marriages fail under normal circumstances, a crazy-high 90% of marriages fail when one partner has bipolar disorder (according to an article in Psychology Today). Aren't those odds sickening?! Well, we are one of the 10% who just keeps getting stronger as a couple, despite my having bipolar disorder.

Jerry has been by my side through it all... the depths of depression, the highs of mania, the radical mood swings that shift without rhyme or reason, and my everlasting anxiety. He is SO PATIENT WITH ME. I don't understand it! I hate to admit it, but if the roles were reversed, I don't think I'd have stuck around. I could never be married to someone like me! 

Jerry is so laid-back and caring that he just goes with the flow and he knows that my mood shifts are just another part of me--a part that he has chosen to accept (even love!). He LOVES ME despite those crazy parts of me.

A lot of times, I feel sorry for him. He could find someone so much better than me--someone that is NOT crazy and who treats him like a king. He deserves that! But he won't hear anything of it. For some reason that God only knows, he wants to stay with me.

Jerry is the best dad to our kids as well. Being a "big kid" himself, he had no problem getting down and dirty while playing with them when they were little. And these days? He does the coolest things like bringing them to a Star Wars movie marathon in Chicago for a couple of days!

Jerry is also accepting and loving of everyone and anyone--regardless of race, sexual identity, political party (well... this is the wrong time of year to ask about that, haha!), age, whatever... he loves to get to know people.

He is also great at breaking the ice in a party situation. Jerry is goofy and funny and even when he says something totally off the wall, it eases tension and makes people feel more comfortable. He's an extrovert, which is just what I need for my very introverted mind. We balance each other out.

I could go on and on and on, but I'll spare you. Jerry is definitely the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm so grateful for his love and for the kids we have together. I am grateful that he treats me like a queen and would do anything at all for his family. 

We started out with the odds against us in multiple ways--we were only 17 and 18 when we started dating, 21 and 22 when we got married, and just a few years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Basically, the odds are that we have a 150% chance of getting divorced. But we are stronger than ever and I couldn't love him more. 

So, as cheesy as it sounds, Jerry is definitely what I am most grateful for. He's gotten me through the toughest of times, including when I was suicidal in the darkest moments of depression. I literally couldn't ask for a better partner--and I am always trying to be the same for him. <3 

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Saturday Night Bullets

I love bullets. When I don't have anything major to write about, I just take a bunch of little notable things and put them into one post in no particular order. They're fun to write!

📍 Today, Laura (Jerry's sister) came to pick up the shelves I made for her. I finished with them a couple of weeks ago but then the guys went up north and she wasn't able to pick them up right away. Anyway, I love how they turned out and thankfully, so did Laura!

She sent me a photo of the shelves when she got home and set up in her room.

📍 Laura brought my niece Shelby with her, too! Shelby is now 11 months old--it's crazy how fast time goes by when you think of kids growing up. Shelby was all smiles and SO cute. Babies usually cry around me (I've never had that magic touch around babies, unfortunately) but today she let me hold her and she was fascinated watching me chew ice. She kept laughing every time I put another piece of ice in my mouth, haha.

📍I always feel really sorry for Phoebe, but I have been especially sad for her since we got the kittens. They chase her and want to play with her but she doesn't want anything to do with them so she's always trying to get away from them. She paces the house from door to door, wanting desperately to go outside.

Phoebe is totally an outdoor cat at heart, but I'm terrified of something happening to her and I keep her strictly indoors. She sneaks out on occasion and I have to chase her down. All she does is eat some grass and then throw it up when I bring her in the house *eyeroll*. I think she's been kind of depressed since we brought the kittens home.

Today, I was feeling especially bad for her, so I thought it might help if she went outside. I have a cat leash that I got from a Purina summit and I strapped that onto her. Eli sat outside with her and let Phoebe do her own thing--sit and eat grass, walk around a little in the yard, and then throw up the grass. Thankfully she threw it up before she came back in the house! But she spent about 15 minutes out there rolling in the grass and she was clearly happy about it. I'm going to try to do that with her at least a few times a week so she can get her fix.

📍Today, I knocked another item off of my November "to do" list: clean out the pantry. Of course I forgot to take a before photo, but just picture it to be a total mess with no organization. Along the top shelves were random things we just tossed up there because we didn't know where else to put it. But now it's nice and neat:

If you're wondering, yes--Noah loves Ramen noodles and I buy them by the case! Also, Creamette pasta is on sale at Kroger this week (Creamette is my favorite brand) for $0.49 a box if you buy 10 or more. So, I bought 10 boxes of various shapes. 

📍I saw something on Amazon a few days ago that I just HAD to buy... it was perfect for Jerry and me to spend some quality time together. A Friends trivia game!

At first, I wasn't sure if I should bother, because Jerry and I have seen Friends so many times that I thought it would be too easy for us. However, the questions are HARD. You have to be a hardcore Friends fan to even come close to answering the questions. But Jerry and I are fans, of course, and we could get about half of each card correct. (Here is a link to the game on Amazon--it's an affiliate link, which just means that if you purchase it through the link I may get a small commission.) I have to say, the cards are very high quality--I was impressed.

Jerry did better than I did. He's AMAZING when it comes to random trivia. I always said that if I was on the show Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? he would be my "phone a friend" lifeline. He knows the most random stuff!

Have a great Sunday! :)

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The Problem With Procrastination

Thank you for the kind comments on my last post. I had a better day today, but still had my moments of feeling sad for no reason at all. At least I didn't cry on the beach for an hour ;)

After I finished my walk today, I was determined to do something productive that was also enjoyable. (Ugh, after I did the laundry, of course!) I quit procrastinating a trip to Lowe's to buy the materials for the nightstands I want to make for my bedroom.

I spent a LOT of time a month or so ago planning out how I was going to make them--doing all the measurements and calculating drawer sizes, etc. I had a printout of all the pieces I'd need to cut from the sheets of plywood. I wasn't working from someone else's plans--I'd made my own! I was really excited to finally work on the nightstands.

I was NOT, however, looking forward to buying the materials. I wanted to get oak plywood (I usually buy pine because it's cheaper, but it has a lot of knots and imperfections). Whenever I've bought it, I had to dig through the pile of super heavy sheets to find one that looks good. Then I had to load it on a cart and bring it to the back of the store for someone to cut it down into a few pieces for me (the only way I can fit it in my car).

For the nightstands, I knew I'd have to get two sheets--one 3/4 inches thick and the other 1/2 inch thick. Today was the day I quit procrastinating and I went to Lowe's. I was actually really looking forward to finally getting started on this project. I was pleasantly surprised to see that the oak plywood looked fantastic--no flaws! The top sheet looked great, so I didn't even have to dig through them. Things were going my way today.

And just as I was pulling it out from the shelf, a nice man who was walking by asked if I'd like help getting it on the cart. Yes, please! So he helped me with both sheets. I pushed the cart to the back of the store where the saw is. There was an employee back there (usually I have to hunt someone down, so it was my lucky day). And then he turned around, and holy smokes--he had Jared Leto's eyes! Hahaha, it was kind of mesmerizing. 

I asked him if he could cross cut the plywood into three pieces, and... cue the record scratch of my going-so-well-day.

He told me that cross cutting oak would destroy it--the ends would splinter a good 3-5 inches at the cut. He said that you have to use a very specific saw blade to cross cut oak (or any hardwood). The blade that they have on the saw at the store isn't good for doing that, and he said he'd be happy to do it, but I would be very unhappy with the cuts. (He said even after warning people, they've yelled and cursed at him after he cut it.)

I was very appreciative that he told me because the two oak boards were a total of about $115. So, I left the store empty handed. I'll either have to beg someone to let me borrow their truck to bring the wood home and cut it myself with a very expensive blade that I don't have, or I'll just have to buy some nightstands. I'm thinking I'll just buy a couple of nightstands. 

When I was at Brian's house a couple of days ago to babysit Luke and Riley, Brian gave me some scrap poplar boards that he had, so maybe I'll come up with a small project I can make with those. I'm itching to make something!

And because I don't have any photos for this post, here is a picture of the "kittens"--I write that with parenthesis because they are huge!! EACH of them weighs more than Estelle and Phoebe. (Duck is on the left--short hair--and Chick is on the right.)

Phoebe - 7 pounds
Estelle - 9 pounds
Duck - 10 pounds
Chick - 11 pounds

Seriously!! The kittens are huge. But I still can't help comparing them to Chandler, who was a whopping 26 pounds at one point.

I am sure I probably wrote about this before, but I'll share the story again here because it was funny.

I wanted to put Chandler on a diet, and after going to a "True Nature of Cats" weekend at the Purina headquarters, I learned about puzzle feeders. You put dry food inside of a bunch of little cups of different depths and the cats have to reach their paws down into the cups to scoop out a few pieces of kibble.

It actually worked! Chandler lost five pounds over a few months. And then I noticed that he was gaining the weight back. I couldn't understand why until one day when I saw that Estelle getting food out for Chandler! BAHAHA. She would pull some out for Chandler, and then pull some out for herself. Back and forth.

Estelle hates other cats, but she sure as hell loved Chandler. (Everybody loved Chandler--pets and people.)

Anyway, the kittens are adorable. I'm so happy we adopted them!

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Crying on the Beach (Why the sudden sadness?!)

Today was just a bad day in general. The morning was, anyway.

When I woke up this morning, I (again) was shocked that I slept through the night. I never sleep all night! I'm so grateful for the deep sleep.

However, I just felt very sad this morning for no reason at all. I hesitate to call it a depressive episode because it's only been a day, but I had no reason to feel upset--I just was. I was crying to Jerry (God bless him for being so patient!) and I tried to explain how I was feeling.

I really wasn't in the mood to go for my five mile walk because I'm just not able to really get into my current audiobook (I'm about halfway through it). However, after a lot of procrastinating (in the form of just sitting on the couch with my head in my hands), I finally decided to go. Joey and I headed out on our usual route. I was still crying, so I tried to keep my head low and avoid looking at passing cars.

About half a mile in, Joey was flipping out because some unknown dogs were outside and he went nuts. I didn't have the patience for it today. Usually, I am understanding and I let him "act like a dog", but today I just didn't want to deal with it. So I turned and headed home to drop Joey off. I wanted a walk that was just for myself.

I dropped Joey off and put on a hoodie to cover my face (red and puffy from crying). I also left my earphones at home. I kept my head down as I started walking, listening to nothing but my thoughts. I just allowed myself to get lost in those thoughts while I walked. At one point, I got to a small path to access to a tiny little beach area. I decided to go there, and I sat on a rock. I stopped my Garmin and I literally sat there for almost an hour, staring at the lake and crying.

I sent a text message to a couple of friends because they "get it" when it comes to my mood. It was very helpful--I'm so glad I texted them! I sat at the beach for almost an hour before I finally got up and decided to finish my five mile walk. 

With my hoodie pulled over my face as far as it would go, I wanted avoid eye contact with the "regulars" I see on my walks. I just walked... staring down at my feet. I was also continuing to text one of my friends, who really helped me to feel better.

I don't know why I was so upset and I wish these episodes didn't happen. I'm going to talk to my psychiatrist about it at my appointment next month. These episodes aren't happening often enough to make an "emergency" appointment, but they are worth talking about when I see him.

I've been feeling so much pressure lately--and I'm sure it's MYSELF that is putting me under pressure--that I've not been a good wife, parent, sister, daughter, aunt, friend, blogger. There are so many roles I want to play perfectly and it's just not possible.

Hopefully that makes sense.

Anyway, by the time I finished my walk and my text chat, I was much better. 

I can't call this a depressive episode because it hasn't lasted long enough. It just feels bad. I want to feel normal again. I wrote down every single thing I needed from Lowe's, including the cuts I needed them to make in the plywood, and I planned to go buy the supplies today. However, even after getting my shoes on to head out the door, I talked myself out of it. 

Jerry is off this weekend, so I (again) plan to go to Lowe's and have Jerry help me with the plywood. Once I start working on the nightstands we need, I'll feel a lot better--I'm sure of it. It'll keep me busy all day long where I can't even think of anything else. I miss having a long-term project at home.

I only write all of this because it's the truth. I know a lot of you prefer that I write the TRUTH about how I'm feeling instead of just posting about the positives of my life. It's really hard to be vulnerable, but I've learned through the years that when I post something vulnerable, there are SO many people who feel the same way. And hearing from those people makes me feel better that I'm not alone.

I'm definitely feeling better than I did this morning, but I know that my depressive mood is just in hibernation. It always comes out when I least expect it. I'm really glad to have a couple of friends who truly understand how I feel. Jerry is always understanding and willing to listen, but sometimes I really need an outsider.

Anyway, Jeanie (my sister) asked me today if I could make a few scrub caps for her for work. She's working closely with COVID patients and she (and her coworkers) can use all the caps they can get. I plan to make a few, but if any of you are "seamstresses" (ahem--if you sew) and you're willing to make some for Jeanie and her coworkers, please let me know and I'll give you the address to send them. It's crazy to see what she has to wear for work! (Jeanie is on the right)

This is a photo of the cap she bought from a coworker:

I can make some, but she said that the therapists and nurses can REALLY use them instead of wearing the "hairnet" type coverings, so I can't make that many. She said that all of the RN's and therapists would be so grateful for them (she's an occupational therapist). So even if you're able to make just one, it'll get good use! Here is a good free pattern. (Just email me at Katie (at) runsforcookies (dot) com for the address to send them.)

COVID is getting worse in Michigan and it's looking like the schools are going to close again. I just want all this to be over with!

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A "Regress" Photo (five pound gain)

Today is Day 115 of my walk streak. Ever since I got done with 75 Hard, I switched to walking five miles every morning (with Joey in tow). I'm pretty proud of myself for doing it! And I honestly don't dread it at all.

I wish I could say I was doing well on the weight loss front, but I have actually gained back five of the thirteen pounds I lost during the summer! Here is this week's "progress" picture (which is actually a "regress" picture. I'm super embarrassed to post it:

As promised, I wore tight fitting clothes for this picture. I'm going to try to wear the same outfit each week so it'll be easier to see (hopeful) progress. (Just the fact that I'm posting this photo is a big deal--I HATE it, but I'm trying really hard to just show things like they are and stop trying to hide it.)

Something that drives me crazy about my body is that I don't gain any fat underneath my surgery scar--you can see it just above where my hips stick out. That's where my scar is and because the fat doesn't grow under there, it gives me saddle bags and a muffin top.

I want to lose enough weight to get back to my best skin removal results. I was 143 pounds when I got my surgery, so it'd be nice to get back there and have my results look smooth again. The curves on my sides were smooth. Here is a photo from when I was 135-ish pounds in the same shirt:

I know exactly what the problem is, too. I messed up my intermittent fasting "eating window" one day and that made me feel RAVENOUS the next morning. 

Usually, I don't even get hungry until 4:00 when I eat dinner, but when I ate far outside my window one day, I paid for it the next day. And after that, it was just so hard to get back to my routine that was working so well. Now, my window has grown to about eight hours, which is way too long for me. I need about a two-hour window (and I actually enjoy a two-hour window!).

When I first started intermittent fasting, I remember it being very hard for about four days. After that, I fell in LOVE with it because it seemed so easy! I felt a lot better, too--sleeping well, not thinking about food, truly enjoying the food I ate, not getting stomachaches, and having a ton of energy. So I know I just need to power through a few days to get to that point again. That has been my goal for this week--wait until 4:00 and eat a good, filling meal. 

Yesterday, my brother gave me some extra boards and plywood that he had leftover from a project. Not enough to do the nightstands, but enough to make something out of it. I'm going to see what I can find. I still plan to do the nightstands--I'll probably buy the stuff this weekend when Jerry is off work. I want a project to look forward to each day that will keep me super busy.

Well, it's already 11:40(!) so I better go to bed. Remember how I was complaining about not being able to sleep? Well, the complaining must have worked. Last night, I slept from 10:15 pm to 8:15 am!! And it was GOOD sleep, too--I didn't wake up at all--not even when Jerry got home, took a shower, and climbed into bed with me. That NEVER happens. 

It could have been because I took a couple of muscle relaxers last night. When my anxiety and/or stress get high, I get a lot of knots in my shoulders and neck. Jerry can literally feel them when he massages my back. When I have my anxiety under control, the knots go away. It's so weird! I was particularly painful yesterday so I took the muscle relaxers hoping they'd help. Unfortunately they didn't do anything.

If anyone has tips on relaxing shoulders/neck/back that get super tense and painful with knots, please feel free to let me know! I've tried physical therapy and chiropractic--it didn't help.

But anyways, it was absolutely fantastic to sleep so good last night. Which is probably why I'm still awake at 11:30--I'm not at all tired, but I want to try to sleep. G'night!

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