Here is Day 2 of my 30 days of blogging challenge for June. My goal is to write every single day by choosing a topic from a list.
Recently, I received an email from someone who was very curious about being a stay-at-home mom. I thought this was a great topic, because usually, the comments I get about it are condescending, rude and judgmental ("Why don't you get a
real job?") It seems to be a hot topic among parents.
(That said, please be respectful if you should choose to comment; not just for my sake, but for all other stay-at-home moms and working moms who may be reading. Personally, I don't judge people either way--I think we should all do what we feel is best for our families.)
Here is what was written in the email:
"The one thing that I don't have much experience with is being a stay-at-home mom (SAHM). No one in my family is a SAHM, and few of my friends. Those friends that are, they either have wealthy spouses or are religious, or both. Neither seems true for you. Because I don't know much about this world, I'd love to learn more about it. In particular:
- How did you make the decision? Do you think you will go to traditional work at some point when your kids are older?
- What does it mean for your relationship with your husband? Does it create weird power dynamics? If not, how do you prevent that? Do you ever feel guilty that your husband works and you don't (work in the traditional sense - please forgive me if I'm phrasing this in any way that seems judgy - I swear I'm just curious)?
- If it's not too personal, what does it mean financially? Do you have back up plans if anything were to happen to your husband?"
First, thank you so much for asking about this in a non-objective way! I'd be happy to answer your questions.
How I Made the Decision to Quit Working
I never intended on being a stay-at-home mom. In fact, I wasn't even sure if I wanted kids! However, when I became pregnant with Noah, Jerry and I had to figure out a solution. I enjoyed my job, but I hated that I never got to see Jerry. When he would come home from work, I would leave for work; and vice versa.
Depending on his schedule, we would go days without seeing each other for more than a few minutes. He works a swing shift, which make scheduling anything very complicated. We decided to see if it was possible for me to be a stay-at-home mom. To do this, we started banking all of MY paychecks and didn't touch them--we basically pretended that I had zero income. We wanted to see if we could live solely on Jerry's income before making the decision for me to quit my job.
We did this for nearly a year, and we realized that by cutting back on spending here and there, it was definitely something we could do. After talking about it, we both really loved the idea.
After Noah was born, I was still working just a couple of days a week. However, I was demoted from my assistant manager position because my hours weren't as flexible, so I decided it was time to quit. It just wasn't worth it to me.
My mom was working for an OB/GYN as an office manager, and she said they needed someone to scan charts into a new online system. (This was when offices started having paperless charts). The best part was, I could do it from home! It was very tedious, mind-numbing work, but I was able to be at home with Noah and still squeeze in the work.
I did that through my pregnancy with Eli, and for a little while afterward. Once all the charts were scanned in, there wasn't any more work for me to do. By this point, I couldn't imagine going back to work in a traditional sense. I loved being able to be at home with my family. And I was able to see Jerry when he was off work, which was great.
After another talk, we decided that I should make being a stay-at-home mom my full-time gig. By this time, Noah was ready for 3-year old preschool, meaning he needed me to drive him to and from school daily. I joined a MOMS Club, so that I could meet other moms and participate in activities with them and other kids. (It was in MOMS Club that I actually met my good friends Renee, Jessica, and Andrea!)
During preschool, I had to drive them to and from school each day--and since preschool is only a few hours long, I had to be available for that. I liked that I was free to volunteer to chaperone field trips and participate in their school events.
(I mean, honestly, who wouldn't want to chaperone at Maggie Moo's and get free ice cream?)
Noah wanted to bring dirt cake for his preschool class on his birthday, so we made over TWENTY of these--dirt cake in a little glass pot, complete with a fake flower. (As the years went on, we kept it much more simple, haha)
Once they started going to first grade (a full school day), I again questioned whether I should go back to work. But honestly, I had no desire to. I loved taking care of the house, being free to run errands, being available if the kids got sick at school or just had to stay home, being home with them all summer, and being home to spend time with Jerry despite his erratic schedule.
Jerry was completely on board with my staying home. If he hesitated even a little, I probably wouldn't have done it. To answer your question about guilt, YES--I do feel guilty for staying at home, even though he assures me that he is thrilled I'm able to be home with the kids.
The main reason I feel guilty is because he gets up super early for work (or, when he's working nights, he's staying up all night long and then sleeping during the day). Or, sometimes he misses out on things because of work, and I feel bad about going without him. However, he would have to miss out regardless of whether I'm working or not, so I'm not taking anything away from him.
Jerry works very hard for our family, but he doesn't have to "work extra" to meet our needs. He's working the same amount of hours that he was before I quit my job, so my quitting didn't cause him to have to pick up the slack.
Also, I do earn an income from my blog. It's not huge, but I'm making more than I was at my previous job, so in the end, we've come out ahead. (I am paid for having ads on my blog--the number of page views I get per month determines how much money I make. Let me take this opportunity to THANK YOU ALL for visiting my blog. Every page view helps.)
And while it may seem like I don't do much "work" to have this blog, there is a lot of work going on behind the scenes as well. I spend more time responding to email than I do writing posts! And I don't get paid for it--but I am grateful that I am able to earn an income from my blog, so I feel like I am giving something back by replying to readers' emails, writing free training plans, being interviewed (something I get SO nervous for!), etc.
What It Means for My Relationship With My Husband
Being a stay-at-home mom is great for my relationship! Like I said before, we were both unhappy that we never got to see each other when each of us was working. We really are best friends, and love spending time together, so now we just have to work it around one schedule instead of two. If we each worked 9-5 type jobs, it might be different; but in our situation, it works out really well.
Because I stay at home, I consider it my job to do almost everything around the house. I clean, I cook dinner, I do our banking/bills/financial stuff, I fill out forms for the school, I run our errands, I grocery shop, I take the kids to and from sports practice, and several other things.
Please excuse the fact that I sound like I'm quoting from a 1950's home economics book, but I try to make things pleasant and not stressful for when Jerry comes home from work. He doesn't have to worry if the bills are paid, because he knows I did it. He doesn't have to wonder about what to have for dinner, because I've already cooked it.
I've always been a little old-fashioned, and I enjoy what I do. Jerry takes care of some of the household stuff like mowing the lawn and car maintenance, and if I need help with something, he's happy to help out.
We've talked about all this several times over the years, and we both agree that we enjoy our lifestyle.
What It Means Financially
It didn't come as a huge shock financially, mainly because we had done a long trial period when I banked all of my checks to see if we could live on one income. The cost of living in the Metro Detroit area can be pretty cheap. Also, we still live in the house we bought when we got married. There was a time where we talked about moving into something bigger, and we were approved for a loan; but when we saw what our house payments would be, we balked at the idea and decided that we are content where we are. (You can
see our budget here)
Our house is pretty homely--comfortable, but not elaborately decorated or anything. As you know, I love thrift shopping, so a ton of our stuff is secondhand. Some of my very favorite things came from garage sales. There are lots of things that need updating, but we'll do that over time. The kids have all they need, without being too spoiled.
We don't do professional haircuts, because they're crazy expensive. So, my boys were used to the clippers ;) Once they were around 11 and 12, and wanting different styles, I took them to a barber. But they didn't get a single haircut from the barber until that age! (I even cut my own hair, because I can't fathom spending $40 for someone else to do it.)
I could go on and on, but we certainly have enough (I've especially come to realize this since we started our budget a year ago--we have more than enough money to get by!). As soon as we pay off the last of our debt (hopefully this month!) we'll have all that extra money each month--to invest, to use for projects, start an emergency fun, and do some fun things once in a while.
As far as a back-up plan if something should happen to Jerry (the breadwinner), it's something I think about a lot. One of my goals right now is to learn about and start an investment account in case something like that should happen. We plan to speak with a financial advisor to figure out what would be best. But if it comes down to it, I would certainly get a job (in addition to/to replace blogging).
I totally understand that being a stay-at-home mom is not for everyone. Several of my friends have said that they would be super bored. There are some days that I am bored--when I don't have appointments or errands and the house is spotless, etc. But MOST of the time, I stay just as busy as I would with a "regular" job.
This post is not to try to pursued anyone to become a stay-at-home mom. I totally understand that it's not everyone's cup of tea! Or maybe it's not affordable. Or maybe one's spouse doesn't like the idea. There are lots of reasons why none of us should judge each other for our life decisions.
I give working moms a TON of credit--especially when I'm training for a race, and I think, "How in the hell do moms fit in a run between working all day, cooking dinner, taking care of the kids, cleaning up, etc?" Working moms are awesome. And so are stay-at-home moms. We just have different ways of managing our time!
So, thank you, reader (I'm not sure if you wanted your name withheld, so I will leave you anonymous), for the kind interest you have in learning about being a stay-at-home mom. I love what I do, and it works out great for my family :)
I would love to see the (polite) perspectives of others in the comments, if you're willing to share! Whether you stay at home or work a traditional job, do you enjoy it? What are your plusses and minuses? If you had the chance, would you reverse your role?
