Well, I haven't written in a few days because I've actually been
very productive. I knew that I didn't have any appointments or anything that was necessary to get done from Tuesday through Thursday this week, so I actually "scheduled" some time (pretty much the whole day on each of those days) to finally get all my digital photos and videos organized.
It probably doesn't sound like a big deal, but it literally took me two and a half days from the time I dropped my kids off at school until late each evening. I had 33,000 photos and 3,000 videos in several places on my computer, an external hard drive, and some flash drives. The worst part is that a ton of my photos had duplicates--some with three or four!
I tried using programs in the past to get rid of duplicates, but it never worked very well. And then every time I would transfer photos from one spot to another, the dates would get screwed up in the metadata. The whole point is that my photos were a HUGE JUMBLED MESS. I knew it would take me several days to work on them, which is why I actually scheduled the time to do it.
In the end (this afternoon), I managed to delete 13,000 duplicate photos, and nearly 2,000 duplicate videos! I used a program called shootShifter to change the dates of each photo back to the original EXIF date stamped into the photo. A lot of the dates were STILL incorrect, because I had lots of scanned photos (so a photo from 2002, for example, would read 2011, because I scanned it in 2011). Also, when I had my old camera (not my phone), I would regularly forget to set the date, and a had thousands of photos labeled 1/1/2004 (the default date). So overwhelming!
But, I have to say, I am in a VERY good place mentally right now, and I'm able to focus on tasks like never before. I absolutely cannot believe the change since starting my medications for bipolar. My mood has been great, I'm very patient, I can stay focused on one task for a long time (like these last three days!) and I don't get irritated or anxious.
My house has stayed the cleanest it's ever been, because I actually don't mind doing "chores". I find that I look forward to my routines--the morning when I get the kids ready for school and I make all the beds, and start a load of laundry. Throughout the day, I clean things as needed. Before bed, I have a routine of cleaning the kitchen counters and sink, putting away the laundry, cleaning out the litter box, and then sitting down with the family.
I've been missing out on this "normalcy" for so long! But, I am not going to focus on that. Instead, I'm just enjoying feeling "normal" for the first time in my life.
As I was waiting for uploads and downloads through the last few days, I managed to clear out my inbox, which also gets overwhelming at times. And I've gotten lots of emails recently about my psych appointment and bipolar diagnosis (all very kind emails and comments--thank you all for being so nice!). Several people said they felt compelled to finally make an appointment themselves, which I think is awesome! It was very hard for me to make the initial appointment (actually, Jerry did all the calling for me, because it was usually when I was in a deep depression).
So, I thought I would write a little about what to expect at that first psychiatrist appointment. A psychiatrist is actually a medical doctor who specializes in diagnosing and treating mental illness. This differs from a therapist, because the psychiatrist doesn't typically do therapy--they diagnose mental illnesses, prescribe medications, and/or refer patients to therapy, or other forms of treatment.
I've been going to therapy for a year and a half now--I didn't care for the first therapist, so I switched to a different one and I absolutely LOVE her. She's amazing, and I've learned so much from her. She suspected I had bipolar, and she mentioned it a few times to me, but I dismissed it so quickly that she stopped trying. But, she did recommend that I see a psychiatrist, because nothing I'd tried was helping me to get better.
As I mentioned here, I tried for MONTHS to get in to see a psychiatrist. My usual health system wasn't taking any new psych patients at all--I didn't even know that they were allowed to turn away people! I tried getting in to another health system, and was put on a nine month waiting list. One day, I was having such a bad day that Jerry started going through doctors online and calling several until he found one that had an appointment about five months out, which was the soonest I could get in anywhere. Ridiculous, right? So, he made the appointment, and I waited, feeling desperate.
Meanwhile, my general practitioner was helping by prescribing antidepressants, in the hopes that we could find one that worked. He also suspected bipolar, and recommended I see a psychiatrist, but I insisted that it was depression. I just hoped that the psychiatrist would know a combination of meds or something that could help. As I was reading about medications online (trying to find things to suggest to my doctor), I started to think that maybe I had inattentive ADHD. I had a lot of the symptoms for it, and I became convinced that I had both that and depression.
In March, about four months after scheduling the psych appointment, I got a phone call from the psychiatrist's office saying that they'd had a cancellation, and they could get me in the next day. I jumped at the chance--I didn't care what I had going on, I would make SURE to go to that appointment.
So, the whole point of this post was supposed to be what to expect at a psychiatry appointment. Here is what my experience was like...
I knew going in that what I wanted was a proper diagnosis (I suspected depression and inattentive ADHD) and treatment (medication that would actually work for me, in addition to my therapy). However, I did not want the doctor to have any preconceived notions about my diagnosis. If I told him that I had previous been diagnosed with depression, or if I just said that I have depression and anxiety and I need help for it, he might not dig further into the problem. So, I specifically didn't offer that information (at first).
After filling out forms, I was surprised that they took my blood pressure and weight. But, considering I was seeing a medical doctor who prescribes medication, I guess it makes sense that they do that. I sat in the waiting room for about 20 minutes filling out papers, and then the doctor came out to get me. I followed him to his office, which looked nothing like a typical doctor's exam room--it didn't have medical supplies or a bed/table with the long strip of paper on it, or anything like that. It just had a desk, a large book shelf, a few chairs, etc. It looked like a home office, basically.
I sat across from the doctor at the desk, and he asked me what I was hoping to get out of the appointment. Instead of saying, "Oh, I have depression and anxiety, and I really need help for that," or something, I simply said that I had been on antidepressants for a long time, but they just weren't working--I was still having uncomfortable symptoms (to put it lightly), and I wanted a proper diagnosis and treatment.
He started asking me a trillion questions. Since he is not a therapist, I gave him the answers he needed for diagnosis, but didn't go on and on about issues in my life--I save that for therapy :) He asked me about my family's medical history, about my own history, about medications I've taken in the past, what symptoms I was having, when they started occurring, the severity of them, and about a thousand other things. The questions were easy enough to answer factually without getting emotional (I only got teary once or twice, and that was when talking about the severity of my depression this past year).
The appointment lasted about an hour and fifteen minutes. Toward the end, I did mention that 10 years ago, a psychiatrist diagnosed me as bipolar, and "how crazy is that?!" I joked. He smiled and said I probably wouldn't like his diagnosis, then--because his diagnosis was bipolar as well. At first, I thought, "Ugh--here we go again." However, I had already decided, prior to the appointment, that I was going to try
whatever the doctor suggested. I was so desperate going in there that I would entertain any idea!
I started asking him questions--basically challenging his diagnosis, because I still didn't understand how I could be bipolar. For the first time in the last 10 years, I finally got a real explanation. He described the two different types of bipolar disorder, and said I likely had type II (I explained a little about that
on this post).
Once I heard his explanation, something clicked for me. Everything started making sense. (That post I wrote shared only a tiny portion of the symptoms of bipolar. I had lots of people email me saying that they think they may be bipolar also, based on my post, but that was the last thing I was trying to say! There is much more to it, but for the sake of brevity, I just wrote the gist of some symptoms. Many things are personal, which I chose not to write about.)
Anyway, after he explained about bipolar, and why the antidepressants weren't working for me (in fact, they may have been making me worse), he explained that he would prescribe a mood stabilizer. This would keep me from getting hypomanic and from getting depressed--I would hopefully settle somewhere in the middle, like a "normal" person.
He sent in the prescriptions electronically right while I was sitting there, and I took my first dose that evening. Within about four days, I started noticing a difference in my mood. And the longer I've been on the medication, the better I've been feeling. I'm not euphoric, but I'm not depressed, either. The medication is doing exactly what it's supposed to do, and I couldn't be more thrilled that something is finally
working.
(Wow, I always plan to keep my posts brief, but I have a big problem sticking to that!)
So, I wrote this to basically give an idea of what to expect at a first psychiatry appointment. Of course, it may be different for other patients and/or doctors; but thankfully, I really like my doctor and I could tell he knows his stuff. I was happy that I didn't feel rushed, and he spent a good amount of time with me.
When making an appointment, I would ask how long the first appointments typically last. If they say anything less than an hour, I would keep looking. There are a lot of factors to look at when diagnosing mental illness, and I think it would be impossible in a 30-minute appointment.
Also, I would suggest asking for a diagnosis, rather than telling the doctor what you think you have. Once we put an idea in someone's head, they won't be able to dismiss that idea when considering a diagnosis.
And, of course, be as honest as possible when answering questions. I wouldn't try to make the severity of the symptoms sound worse in the hope that the doctor will take you more seriously. Even the smallest details help with the diagnosis. For example, the fact that my depression started at around age 9 or 10 was very significant for a bipolar diagnosis--I had no idea until he explained that to me later.
Many psychiatrists work hand-in-hand with therapists as well, and my doctor has therapists at his office. If I hadn't already gotten established with a therapist that I love, then that would be part of his treatment plan as well. I really enjoy my therapy sessions, and the one that I had just before my psych appointment was when I FINALLY had that "aha!" moment. I always wondered what caused my depression (which I now know is actually bipolar).
That's one of major reasons I even started therapy! I wanted to know the cause of my depression; and therefore, why it caused me to binge eat. I had a pretty good childhood--I wasn't abused in any way, or neglected, and I had a loving family. I kept hoping for some answers, because nothing was clear to me. At that recent therapy session, I finally got the answers I was looking for my entire life, and it felt amazing. (The timing of learning about that issue, as well as starting my new medication shortly after, was perfect.)
I won't get into the details, because it's pretty personal, but the discovery has changed my life significantly. I decided to stop living like I was constantly on edge and worried about doing something "wrong". I stopped feeling guilty all the time for reasons I couldn't explain. There were things that nagged at me for
years because I tried to avoid conflict as much as possible--and finally, I am able to take care of issues in the moment, instead of always feeling worried about them.
I've been able to say things that may not be what others want to hear, but I'm truthful. I stopped avoiding certain topics or issues for fear of conflict, and it feels freeing. I've started saying "sorry" only when I've actually done something that is worth apologizing for; before, I apologized for everything just to "keep the peace".
I mentioned on
my post a few days ago that I am now saying "yes" to more invitations with friends and family--because I am eager to establish or develop better relationships with them, as well as step out of the comfort zone that I had grown so accustomed to. However, I am also saying "no" to things as well--things that truly don't interest me. I used to do things that I didn't enjoy--again, to avoid conflict.
I feel like I am finally taking care of
myself, and it's amazing. I owe this to lots of therapy sessions and the correct diagnosis and medication. Thanks so much for reading about all of my ups and downs over the last six years! haha. Things in my life are changing quite a bit, and I'm feeling good about it. (I am still looking into rebranding my blog--it's very overwhelming, but it is definitely on my "to do" list.) With all of these changes in my personal life, I think the timing is great for a change in my blog as well.
