What to Expect at a First Psych Appointment

Well, I haven't written in a few days because I've actually been very productive. I knew that I didn't have any appointments or anything that was necessary to get done from Tuesday through Thursday this week, so I actually "scheduled" some time (pretty much the whole day on each of those days) to finally get all my digital photos and videos organized.

It probably doesn't sound like a big deal, but it literally took me two and a half days from the time I dropped my kids off at school until late each evening. I had 33,000 photos and 3,000 videos in several places on my computer, an external hard drive, and some flash drives. The worst part is that a ton of my photos had duplicates--some with three or four!

I tried using programs in the past to get rid of duplicates, but it never worked very well. And then every time I would transfer photos from one spot to another, the dates would get screwed up in the metadata. The whole point is that my photos were a HUGE JUMBLED MESS. I knew it would take me several days to work on them, which is why I actually scheduled the time to do it.

In the end (this afternoon), I managed to delete 13,000 duplicate photos, and nearly 2,000 duplicate videos! I used a program called shootShifter to change the dates of each photo back to the original EXIF date stamped into the photo. A lot of the dates were STILL incorrect, because I had lots of scanned photos (so a photo from 2002, for example, would read 2011, because I scanned it in 2011). Also, when I had my old camera (not my phone), I would regularly forget to set the date, and a had thousands of photos labeled 1/1/2004 (the default date). So overwhelming!

But, I have to say, I am in a VERY good place mentally right now, and I'm able to focus on tasks like never before. I absolutely cannot believe the change since starting my medications for bipolar. My mood has been great, I'm very patient, I can stay focused on one task for a long time (like these last three days!) and I don't get irritated or anxious.

My house has stayed the cleanest it's ever been, because I actually don't mind doing "chores". I find that I look forward to my routines--the morning when I get the kids ready for school and I make all the beds, and start a load of laundry. Throughout the day, I clean things as needed. Before bed, I have a routine of cleaning the kitchen counters and sink, putting away the laundry, cleaning out the litter box, and then sitting down with the family.

I've been missing out on this "normalcy" for so long! But, I am not going to focus on that. Instead, I'm just enjoying feeling "normal" for the first time in my life.

As I was waiting for uploads and downloads through the last few days, I managed to clear out my inbox, which also gets overwhelming at times. And I've gotten lots of emails recently about my psych appointment and bipolar diagnosis (all very kind emails and comments--thank you all for being so nice!). Several people said they felt compelled to finally make an appointment themselves, which I think is awesome! It was very hard for me to make the initial appointment (actually, Jerry did all the calling for me, because it was usually when I was in a deep depression).

So, I thought I would write a little about what to expect at that first psychiatrist appointment. A psychiatrist is actually a medical doctor who specializes in diagnosing and treating mental illness. This differs from a therapist, because the psychiatrist doesn't typically do therapy--they diagnose mental illnesses, prescribe medications, and/or refer patients to therapy, or other forms of treatment.

I've been going to therapy for a year and a half now--I didn't care for the first therapist, so I switched to a different one and I absolutely LOVE her. She's amazing, and I've learned so much from her. She suspected I had bipolar, and she mentioned it a few times to me, but I dismissed it so quickly that she stopped trying. But, she did recommend that I see a psychiatrist, because nothing I'd tried was helping me to get better.

As I mentioned here, I tried for MONTHS to get in to see a psychiatrist. My usual health system wasn't taking any new psych patients at all--I didn't even know that they were allowed to turn away people! I tried getting in to another health system, and was put on a nine month waiting list. One day, I was having such a bad day that Jerry started going through doctors online and calling several until he found one that had an appointment about five months out, which was the soonest I could get in anywhere. Ridiculous, right? So, he made the appointment, and I waited, feeling desperate.

Meanwhile, my general practitioner was helping by prescribing antidepressants, in the hopes that we could find one that worked. He also suspected bipolar, and recommended I see a psychiatrist, but I insisted that it was depression. I just hoped that the psychiatrist would know a combination of meds or something that could help. As I was reading about medications online (trying to find things to suggest to my doctor), I started to think that maybe I had inattentive ADHD. I had a lot of the symptoms for it, and I became convinced that I had both that and depression.

In March, about four months after scheduling the psych appointment, I got a phone call from the psychiatrist's office saying that they'd had a cancellation, and they could get me in the next day. I jumped at the chance--I didn't care what I had going on, I would make SURE to go to that appointment.

So, the whole point of this post was supposed to be what to expect at a psychiatry appointment. Here is what my experience was like...

I knew going in that what I wanted was a proper diagnosis (I suspected depression and inattentive ADHD) and treatment (medication that would actually work for me, in addition to my therapy). However, I did not want the doctor to have any preconceived notions about my diagnosis. If I told him that I had previous been diagnosed with depression, or if I just said that I have depression and anxiety and I need help for it, he might not dig further into the problem. So, I specifically didn't offer that information (at first).

After filling out forms, I was surprised that they took my blood pressure and weight. But, considering I was seeing a medical doctor who prescribes medication, I guess it makes sense that they do that. I sat in the waiting room for about 20 minutes filling out papers, and then the doctor came out to get me. I followed him to his office, which looked nothing like a typical doctor's exam room--it didn't have medical supplies or a bed/table with the long strip of paper on it, or anything like that. It just had a desk, a large book shelf, a few chairs, etc. It looked like a home office, basically.

I sat across from the doctor at the desk, and he asked me what I was hoping to get out of the appointment. Instead of saying, "Oh, I have depression and anxiety, and I really need help for that," or something, I simply said that I had been on antidepressants for a long time, but they just weren't working--I was still having uncomfortable symptoms (to put it lightly), and I wanted a proper diagnosis and treatment.

He started asking me a trillion questions. Since he is not a therapist, I gave him the answers he needed for diagnosis, but didn't go on and on about issues in my life--I save that for therapy :) He asked me about my family's medical history, about my own history, about medications I've taken in the past, what symptoms I was having, when they started occurring, the severity of them, and about a thousand other things. The questions were easy enough to answer factually without getting emotional (I only got teary once or twice, and that was when talking about the severity of my depression this past year).

The appointment lasted about an hour and fifteen minutes. Toward the end, I did mention that 10 years ago, a psychiatrist diagnosed me as bipolar, and "how crazy is that?!" I joked. He smiled and said I probably wouldn't like his diagnosis, then--because his diagnosis was bipolar as well. At first, I thought, "Ugh--here we go again." However, I had already decided, prior to the appointment, that I was going to try whatever the doctor suggested. I was so desperate going in there that I would entertain any idea!

I started asking him questions--basically challenging his diagnosis, because I still didn't understand how I could be bipolar. For the first time in the last 10 years, I finally got a real explanation. He described the two different types of bipolar disorder, and said I likely had type II (I explained a little about that on this post).

Once I heard his explanation, something clicked for me. Everything started making sense. (That post I wrote shared only a tiny portion of the symptoms of bipolar. I had lots of people email me saying that they think they may be bipolar also, based on my post, but that was the last thing I was trying to say! There is much more to it, but for the sake of brevity, I just wrote the gist of some symptoms. Many things are personal, which I chose not to write about.)

Anyway, after he explained about bipolar, and why the antidepressants weren't working for me (in fact, they may have been making me worse), he explained that he would prescribe a mood stabilizer. This would keep me from getting hypomanic and from getting depressed--I would hopefully settle somewhere in the middle, like a "normal" person.

He sent in the prescriptions electronically right while I was sitting there, and I took my first dose that evening. Within about four days, I started noticing a difference in my mood. And the longer I've been on the medication, the better I've been feeling. I'm not euphoric, but I'm not depressed, either. The medication is doing exactly what it's supposed to do, and I couldn't be more thrilled that something is finally working.

(Wow, I always plan to keep my posts brief, but I have a big problem sticking to that!)

So, I wrote this to basically give an idea of what to expect at a first psychiatry appointment. Of course, it may be different for other patients and/or doctors; but thankfully, I really like my doctor and I could tell he knows his stuff. I was happy that I didn't feel rushed, and he spent a good amount of time with me.

When making an appointment, I would ask how long the first appointments typically last. If they say anything less than an hour, I would keep looking. There are a lot of factors to look at when diagnosing mental illness, and I think it would be impossible in a 30-minute appointment.

Also, I would suggest asking for a diagnosis, rather than telling the doctor what you think you have. Once we put an idea in someone's head, they won't be able to dismiss that idea when considering a diagnosis.

And, of course, be as honest as possible when answering questions. I wouldn't try to make the severity of the symptoms sound worse in the hope that the doctor will take you more seriously. Even the smallest details help with the diagnosis. For example, the fact that my depression started at around age 9 or 10 was very significant for a bipolar diagnosis--I had no idea until he explained that to me later.

Many psychiatrists work hand-in-hand with therapists as well, and my doctor has therapists at his office. If I hadn't already gotten established with a therapist that I love, then that would be part of his treatment plan as well. I really enjoy my therapy sessions, and the one that I had just before my psych appointment was when I FINALLY had that "aha!" moment. I always wondered what caused my depression (which I now know is actually bipolar).

That's one of major reasons I even started therapy! I wanted to know the cause of my depression; and therefore, why it caused me to binge eat. I had a pretty good childhood--I wasn't abused in any way, or neglected, and I had a loving family. I kept hoping for some answers, because nothing was clear to me. At that recent therapy session, I finally got the answers I was looking for my entire life, and it felt amazing. (The timing of learning about that issue, as well as starting my new medication shortly after, was perfect.)

I won't get into the details, because it's pretty personal, but the discovery has changed my life significantly. I decided to stop living like I was constantly on edge and worried about doing something "wrong". I stopped feeling guilty all the time for reasons I couldn't explain. There were things that nagged at me for years because I tried to avoid conflict as much as possible--and finally, I am able to take care of issues in the moment, instead of always feeling worried about them.

I've been able to say things that may not be what others want to hear, but I'm truthful. I stopped avoiding certain topics or issues for fear of conflict, and it feels freeing. I've started saying "sorry" only when I've actually done something that is worth apologizing for; before, I apologized for everything just to "keep the peace".

I mentioned on my post a few days ago that I am now saying "yes" to more invitations with friends and family--because I am eager to establish or develop better relationships with them, as well as step out of the comfort zone that I had grown so accustomed to. However, I am also saying "no" to things as well--things that truly don't interest me. I used to do things that I didn't enjoy--again, to avoid conflict.

I feel like I am finally taking care of myself, and it's amazing. I owe this to lots of therapy sessions and the correct diagnosis and medication. Thanks so much for reading about all of my ups and downs over the last six years! haha. Things in my life are changing quite a bit, and I'm feeling good about it. (I am still looking into rebranding my blog--it's very overwhelming, but it is definitely on my "to do" list.) With all of these changes in my personal life, I think the timing is great for a change in my blog as well.

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18 years

I wasn't going to write a post today, but when I realized the date, I figured I could at least share some pictures. It was exactly 18 years ago that Jerry and I went on our first date!

The day prior, we had been at our mutual friend Mike's house for a get together with friends. I knew I recognized Jerry from somewhere, and I realized that I had interviewed him about six months before when I was working on an article for my school's newspaper. I went to other schools in the county to interview students, and Jerry happened to be one of the students I'd interviewed.

At that time, I remember thinking that he was pretty cute in a funky kind of way.

But mostly, I was very impressed with his handwriting, of all things! Hahaha. He had very neat handwriting, and I thought that was pretty cool. But I was never very assertive, especially with boys, so I assumed I'd never see him again.

And then in May, I ran into him at Mike's party. We realized how we knew each other, and then we exchanged phone numbers. I wasn't sure if he'd call, but the next day, he called me and asked if I would want to go out that night. It was a cheap date--we just went to the Metropark for a long walk. We ended up strolling for a couple of hours, and wound up on a bridge overlooking the lake.

Jerry, being incredibly cheesy, started singing that song from The Little Mermaid, "Kiss the Girl". Clearly, he wanted to kiss me ;) So, we shared our first kiss on the bridge, and at that moment, I felt something deep down in my gut that was different. I knew--really knew--that we would get married someday.

When I went home that evening, I even wrote in journal that I was going to marry him one day. Fast forward four years, and we got married in August of 2003. A year after that, we had Noah. And in 2006, we had Eli, completing our family of four.

Back when we first got together, nobody believed it would be for the long haul. High school sweethearts never last, right? So, even though nobody else believed it, for us, it was almost a given. I never doubted it, and neither did he.

We were pretty much inseparable after that first date at the Metropark. And now, 18 years later, we still love each other just as much (more, probably) than ever before. We certainly had our ups and downs through the years, but I never really had the thought that one day, we wouldn't be together anymore. A cliché piece of advice is to "never go to bed angry"--but Jerry and I have lived by that for all these years. I can probably count on one hand the number of times that we didn't resolve a conflict before going to bed. I think that has been very helpful for our relationship.

So anyway, without that first date 18 years ago, my life would probably be drastically different today! I am so glad that everything worked out the way it did. And it's crazy to me that we've been together for more than half our lives now!

After I created this, I realized I used one of the pictures twice! Oh, well--
I just had to make sure that Jerry's frosted tips were somewhere in here ;)

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Saying "yes"

I had a great day yesterday.

When I started my new medication (I think it's been six weeks ago now?), and I started feeling better almost immediately, I decided to change several things in my life. Looking back at the last 30 or so years of my life, I'm starting to piece together how my bipolar disorder played a role in several aspects of my life.

Socially, I always felt awkward. I never felt like I fit in anywhere, and going out was always uncomfortable for me. If I was depressed, I never wanted to do anything at all; if I was hypomanic, I was in a great mood, but usually felt overwhelmed. Also, when I was hypomanic, I would make lots of plans with friends, and inevitably, fall back into depression and cancel or not enjoy myself. I still had friends, and would get together occasionally, but I rarely went out of my way to initiate things.

Recently, when I started feeling more stable, I decided that I was going to start saying "yes" more. I was so used to turning down plans and events for mood reasons (not knowing what mood I would be in when that day came around). I also decided to start reaching out to friends more often--even if it was just a quick text a few times a week to say hello.

I started with my friend Sarah. She lives in Arizona now, but we were the best of friends growing up. She was born just three days before I was, and we lived two houses apart for the first 15 years of our lives. We were inseparable, and we were even roommates in college. She was the maid of honor in my wedding, and I was her matron of honor years later, even after she moved to Arizona.

I think this was the first day of kindergarten

Pregnancies--2004 for me, and 2013 for her

We never stopped being friends, but we talked SO infrequently--maybe just three times a year to catch up. About a month ago, I started texting here and there--nothing major, but enough to feel like we were reconnecting. And then last week, we talked on the phone for a long time, and it was great! The nice thing about our friendship is that we always pick up where we left off--it's not awkward in any way. We still feel comfortable telling each other personal things that we wouldn't share with many people, and we know each other's personalities so well.

She was super supportive when I told her I was diagnosed with bipolar. And the diagnosis explained a LOT about my personality in college, when we lived together for two years. Anyway, it's been really nice reconnecting with her.

I've reached out to several other friends to make plans, and I find that I'm really looking forward to it. I used to feel awkward, like I had to try harder to be "normal" than other people did (I realize that sounds very odd).

A few days ago, my friend Jessica sent me a text to ask if I would want to go on a party bus to Greektown Casino in Detroit. I knew she was fully expecting me to say no, and I was probably the last person that she had asked (which I totally understood). Two months ago, I definitely would have said no! But I immediately responded that yes, I would go. She was very surprised, which even came through on her texts, and I found it pretty funny.

I was still nervous to go, but nothing like I would have been in the past. Actually, my biggest concern was spending money! Jerry and I have been trying to cut back on spending, and we created a budget. We give ourselves "allowance" every week to spend on whatever we want. I wasn't sure how much I would need for Detroit, but Jessica said she was on a tight budget, too, and we wouldn't even be spending much time in the casino--we would each play our $20 that comes with the trip's tickets, and then be done.

So, I said yes, and I committed to not backing out, no matter how I felt on Saturday. I've been feeling really good lately, and I was grateful that yesterday was no exception. I was kind of excited to dress up a little (not super dressy, but more so than usual). I picked Jessica up and we went to the meeting spot for the bus, which left at 4:00.

I only planned on having two drinks max for the night, so I didn't drink on the bus. When we got to the casino, we picked up the cards that we were given with our tickets--$20 in "free" play (I put free in quotes, because the tickets were $40 for the trip). I had already decided that I was going to play $20 on roulette--numbers 11 and 33--for just one spin. We went to the roulette tables first, and I found a table that had actually gotten both 11 and 33 in the past 10 spins, so I thought maybe that was a sign I should play at that table.

I had no clue what I was doing, but I laughed, asked questions, and apologized for doing things I wasn't supposed to--like place my chips next to the others on the squares, instead of on top of them--and one man said, "There's no 'sorry' in roulette!" They were all friendly and understanding. (In the past, I would have been embarrassed, overwhelmed, and frustrated). They spun the wheel, and the ball landed on number 31. So, 11 and 33 weren't my lucky numbers in that moment after all, and I learned that there was "sorry" in roulette, because I had just wasted $20! Haha, it was fun to imagine winning, though.

We headed over to the slot machines to use our prepaid cards. I hate slot machines! I don't understand them at all. I found a Wheel of Fortune machine, which looked fun if I got to spin the wheel (I didn't get to) and quickly ran through the $20 on the card (it was a $1 per credit machine, so it didn't take long).

Wheel of (mis)Fortune

Then I was done gambling. Jessica found a penny slot machine to try. I told her that the penny slots are probably a waste, because even if you get a ton of credits, they are only worth a penny each!

She played $3, and then she got some sort of bonus of five free spins. She won $123!!! I was shocked. I convinced her to stop playing while she was ahead, and just keep the money she won. She finished out the rest of the $20 on her card (we weren't able to cash that in, so it had to be used up or we would lose it), and then she cashed out and we left the casino.

Winner winner!

We walked across the street to Astoria, my favorite bakery. I wanted a piece of carrot cake, and it looked delicious.

Jessica got something for later, because she wanted to eat at Wahlbergers, which recently opened in Detroit. We sat outside and I ate my cake while she had a burger. We had several hours to kill until the bus left, so we started walking around downtown. I couldn't believe how much night life the city has on a Saturday night! I'm used to going to Detroit during the day, and it's not busy at all. But there were tons of people out enjoying the nice weather.

There was a band set up in Campus Martius, so we sat at the fountain and chatted for a little bit. Jessica had never played Keno and said she wanted to try it, so we looked around for a little while trying to find a bar that had Keno (you can play for a long time with very little money, so it's really the only gambling I ever do). We didn't have luck finding Keno, but we really enjoyed walking around downtown. People watching is the best!

Campus Martius at the fountain

We went to Pappy's, a bar across from the casino, and each had a vodka tonic. We found a little table by what I thought was a glass window, but it turned out to be a big open rectangle that looked like a window, only without the glass. It was perfect for sitting and chatting, while watching people walk by and enjoying the night air.

At 9:15, we stopped at Astoria again because we thought a piece of baklava would be the perfect ending to the evening in Greektown! We took that with us to the bus and ate it there. It was SO good, but pretty rich, so I just ate half of my piece (considering I'd had cake earlier).

We both talked about how far Detroit has come as a city, and how it would make a great date night or just a fun place to hang out with friends on a Saturday night. My very favorite thing to do in new cities (or when I go on trips to visit people) is to walk around the city and just check things out and people watch. Even though Detroit isn't anywhere "new" to me, seeing it in a different perspective (on a Saturday night) was almost like exploring a new city.

It was also nice to realize that I could out in a situation like that (party bus, casino, bars) and have fun without drinking. I had one vodka tonic, but that was toward the end of the evening. I used to feel more comfortable socially when having a few drinks, because it relieved any social anxiety I was feeling. Yesterday, though, I had a great time.

I'm really glad that Jessica asked me to go, even though she was sure I'd say no. If I had said no, I would have missed out on a very fun evening with a good friend in my favorite city!

---

This morning, I woke up to my usual routine, and my kids wished me a happy Mother's Day. They gave me a gift they'd been working on for a very long time--some fill-in-the-blank books about us! I had them make similar books for my parents and for Jerry last Father's Day, so I was very excited that they made the books for me.

I sat down with each of them to read through their books and look at the pictures they chose. It was funny, and even interesting, to read about their memories--things I had forgotten or just didn't consider very memorable. There were things we did together that must have made an impression on the kids, because they wrote a lot of memories that surprised me.

Eli's memory of when we went to Cedar Point and
there was a downpour--the whole park flooded in minutes!

Noah's memory of when we went to Cleveland for a night
before heading to Punta Cana in the morning

It was funny to see what they think I do during the day when they are at school (watch TV, eat ice cream, etc. Hahaha!). For the record, the only TV I watch is in the evenings with the family, or with Jerry before bed--honest. It was very cute to read the things they thought I was good at, and the things they think I need to work on.

This made me laugh! Eli's memory of our hotel inHershey, PA,
which was definitely an "experience"

Noah's list of things I always have time for.
I loved that he notices these things! I never knew.

It was basically just like seeing myself through my kids' eyes, which was both funny and enlightening. I loved the books!

In addition to the book, Eli made me rose out of clay in his after-school art club. I was amazed! It is so pretty, and Eli really is such a talented artist.

Jerry had to work today, but he had helped the kids put the finish touches on their books yesterday. Becky is coming over with Lucas any minute, and I can't wait! I haven't seen him in at least a couple of weeks.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you moms out there! :)

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Candidly Katie and a belated Wednesday Weigh-in

Wow! I cannot even tell you how appreciative I am with the overwhelming response to my last post. That was, by far, the scariest news I've ever shared. I was literally shaking when I published it, and I refused to even look at any comments for a few hours. But I worried for nothing! It took me a month to work up the courage to post about it, but it's a whole new chapter in my life and I am relieved to be able to talk (write) openly about it now.

I have not received a single negative comment about it, and I am so grateful for that! Thank you all so much for being so kind. With a response like that, I realize that I never should have been nervous in the first place!

I was happy when my friend Adam came over yesterday, and said, "Hey, Crazy!" because I was afraid that my friends would be uncomfortable around me now. I joke about bipolar with Jerry and some close friends, which makes it much easier to accept and not feel awkward around the subject. And I hope it makes others feel more comfortable talking about it, too.

Love this!!

Per the titration schedule of my medication, I increased my dose on Tuesday, and I'm already feeling the difference. With each increase, I feel better and better. I can't even begin to describe the difference this medication has made for me. My only regret is that I didn't listen to the psychiatrist who diagnosed me 10 years ago; but the last 10 years of my life have been so significant in who I am today that I wonder if maybe it was for the best.

Along with all of the comments on my blog post yesterday, I received a lot of email and private messages--so it may take me a while to catch up in responding, but please know how grateful I am for the support. I have loved hearing from people who have decided to seek help for things such as depression and anxiety. Therapy, a proper diagnosis, and medication have really turned things around for me, and I am thrilled to be on a positive path right now!

That said, I have been considering (for over a year now!) about changing the name of my blog. I just don't have the same joy for running as I did before. I do plan on getting back to running (actually, Monday is when I start the six month training plan), but I haven't been writing about it much in the last year. I also have gotten away from posting mostly about weight loss/maintenance, mainly because I feel like I've said most everything that I felt I needed to say.

I will definitely still post about those things, of course, but I feel like I've outgrown the "Runs for Cookies" blog title. It feels misleading somehow. So, a little over a year ago, I actually bought the domain CandidlyKatie.com. I thought it had a nice ring to it, and it describes my blog without committing to one particular topic.

I have absolutely zero idea how to make the switch, though. I'm afraid that changing it up will break all of the links to and on my blog, and I really don't want to screw anything up. If any of you reading this know how to do it seamlessly, I'd be happy to pay for services--I just don't even know how to find someone that does that!

Anyway, I imagine I will lose a significant amount of readership; but considering my interests have changed, and therefore the content of my blog has changed, it's understandable. I will try and warn everyone far in advance when making the switch, but if you happen to notice my blog is offline for some reason, that is probably why. I will (hopefully) get it back up quickly. But right now, I just really need to find someone to that knows what they are doing to help me out.

I did start playing around with creating a new header yesterday, and I like the simplicity and cheerfulness of it:

I will probably change it a thousand times before making the official switch, but it's fun to think about. Although, it will feel a little sad to shut the book on Runs for Cookies--I feel like that's my whole online identity!

Anyway, I was so overwhelmed with all the kind comments on my last post, that I didn't get around to posting my Wednesday Weigh-in yesterday. Even though I went to Indy over the weekend, I had a surprisingly good weigh-in:

I think last week I was 138.8 (it's always hard to remember the tenths of a pound), so that would be a 1.6-pound loss this week. Awesome! I am almost back to my official goal weight of 133 (but I honestly wouldn't mind being this weight, or even up to 145, if I can maintain it).

I am still not counting calories, and I'm amazed that for the first time in my life, I'm able to lose weight this way. I've been eating four times a day, whatever food sounds good to me, and keeping my portions relatively small (not tiny, but enough to feel satisfied without feeling stuffed).

I really think the biggest difference has been the fact that I haven't been drinking much at all. Like I mentioned before, it wasn't necessarily the amount of calories in the alcohol that was an issue (wine really doesn't have many calories) but whenever I would have any alcohol at all, I would want to eat. And it would cause me to overeat pretty frequently.

So, I made a little "rule" for myself--I will only drink in social situations, and I will limit myself to two drinks max. Since doing this, I actually feel really good! At first it was hard, because I was so used to having a glass of wine or two on most evenings, but after about a month, I found that I didn't miss it anymore. I miss the idea of having a glass of wine while cooking dinner, or sitting down and chatting with Jerry at the end of the day, but I don't miss the overeating that followed or the wine headache I would inevitably get.

Another change I made was that I stopped drinking tea and coffee. I did this because the caffeine (even the small amount in tea) would make me very jittery and anxious. Since I'm really focusing on my mental health right now, I will do whatever I can to relieve the anxiety. I do have some decaf teas, so if I'm in the mood for something hot, I can always make that. But my new medication causes me to be thirsty throughout the day (my mouth and throat get dry), so I've been drinking a ton of water just by sipping it throughout the day.

Well, I had better get back to catching up on email! I also purchased the photos from Saturday's race, but they haven't been available to download yet. I had been hoping to share a comparison photo on today's post. Hopefully tomorrow!

Again, thank you so so so much for all the support about my news. It feels great to know there are so many people in my corner! xo

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A "Crazy" New Chapter in My Life

Are you sitting down? Get comfy, because this is a doozy of a post. And actually, this post is terrifying for me to write. 

I have been avoiding it, but I knew that I really wanted to do it eventually. It’s getting more difficult to write anything without talking about this, because it’s an enormous part of my life. I’ve been gradually sharing the news with people in my life—friends, family, acquaintances. And now feels like the right time to share it here. 

Friends, I have been treating the wrong mental illness for nearly 30 years.

Well, I guess I shouldn’t say “treating”—I only started medication 15 years ago, but my depression  started when I was very young. In elementary school, actually.

Let me back up a little, first. 

I sought help for depression when I was 20 years old. I always knew I had it, and I knew some days/weeks/months were better than others, but I was finally feeling a depression that I just couldn’t shake. So, I saw my family doctor, and started taking an antidepressant. I never really noticed a big change in my mood when I started taking it, but I was still having periods of time where I felt good, so I just assumed that was a normal part of life with depression.

In 2007, my antidepressant was switched to the generic version. And I became very, very depressed. I started having thoughts of suicide, and it was actually my mom that made me an appointment with a therapist and psychiatrist. I really didn’t care for the therapist, and then when I saw the psychiatrist, I just decided he was crazy—because his diagnosis was bipolar disorder.

Say what?! 

At that time, I thought I would have liked having bipolar disorder, because I hated feeling depressed and I would have given anything to feel happy! I just “knew” his diagnosis was incorrect. I had only seen him so that he could switch me to a different antidepressant or at least the brand name of the one I was taking.) So, I didn’t take the mood stabilizer he prescribed, and I continued with the antidepressant (switching back to the brand name, even though it cost three times the price of the generic). 

I started this blog in 2011, and in retrospect, all of the signs and symptoms were there. I’m pretty embarrassed about it now, because I feel like all of you (my readers) could clearly see my symptoms in my writing, but I was the one who was oblivious. 

A month ago, I went to a psychiatrist because I just couldn’t shake another long bout of depression—this one lasting 10 months. He asked what I hoped to get out of the appointment, and I told him that I wanted a proper diagnosis (earlier this year, I started suspecting that I had inattentive ADHD along with depression) and treatment. I was 99% sure that would be the final diagnosis. He asked me dozens and dozens of questions, and I explained all that had gone on in the past and present, even my family history.

At the end of a very long appointment, I even joked with him that a psychiatrist had diagnosed me as bipolar about 10 years ago, and how silly was that? He said, “Well, you’re probably not going to like my diagnosis then… I believe that you have bipolar disorder II.”

I was stunned. Weren’t people with bipolar “crazy”? Maxing out credit cards, having extramarital affairs, etc.? When I questioned this, he explained what bipolar II is. While bipolar I has manic episodes, bipolar II has “hypomanic” episodes—which are milder than than manic, but can still cause a lot of distress and problems in one’s life.

Bipolar II also typically has very long, severe periods of depression (which is different than major depressive disorder). So, with bipolar II, my mood swings between hypomania and depression. There are also times where I can be in a “mixed state”, having both hypomania and depression at the same time. The amount of time between each state varies greatly. (It’s important to note that bipolar does not just mean “mood swings”—everybody has mood swings. Bipolar is more severe than that.)

As I said, I am terrified of going public with this. However, as I have been educating myself about the disorder for the last month, I no longer feel ashamed of it. To tell you the truth, I am very, very relieved to finally have an answer and hope that now that I’m treating the correct mental illness, I will get better. (I had my second psych appointment today, and he confirmed the diagnosis he suspected was correct.)

And I have been getting better! My psychiatrist stopped the antidepressant (antidepressants can actually make bipolar II worse) and started me on a mood stabilizer. The mood stabilizer should do exactly as it says—stabilize my mood so that I don’t get into depression or hypomania. 

This is pretty much the last six years of my blog, is it not?!

Sometimes, hypomania was great! I would feel very energetic and happy, have an easy time losing weight (my weight would tend to go up with depression and down with hypomania), feel very social, make all sorts of fun plans, and just be very fun, spontaneous (hello, San Diego on a moment’s notice!), and excited about things. 

However, there were some big downsides to it, also. Hypomania can cause severe irritability, and I hated the way it made me feel—not only mentally, but physically as well. My skin would feel like it was buzzing, like every single nerve was being irritated at the same time. I would snap at people for no reason, and feel very restless. My anxiety was sky-high, and I would have panic attacks.

Also, during hypomania, I was extremely impulsive. I would make a ton of plans, start lots of projects, and set lots of goals. Sounds great, right? But then I would swing back into depression, and never follow through or finish those things (like the bathroom I impulsively started remodeling just a moment after the thought occurred to me, and then Jerry had to finish several months later). 

When I took the time to really read and educate myself about bipolar II, I realized that I actually am a textbook case of someone with the disorder. There were other people in my life who had suggested it to me before as well, but I let it go in one ear and out the other, because I didn’t understand bipolar II. 

First there was the psychiatrist in 2007; then the psychologist/therapist I started seeing last year, but didn’t care for; my general practitioner, who insisted I see a psychiatrist; my current therapist suspected it, but I never even entertained the idea; and now the psychiatrist I’m currently seeing. Finally, I understand and I accept it: I have bipolar disorder II. 

All these years, I always thought I had depression, and that sometimes it would “flare up” even while taking antidepressants. I thought my hypomanic episodes were just “feeling normal”. Now that I am on a mood stabilizer (that is working VERY well), I finally know what it feels like to be “normal”.

I feel happy, but not impulsively so. I am able to think clearly and rationally rather than jump the gun on the first thing that pops into my head. When something bad happens, I still feel sad—but in situations that any normal person would feel sad (for example, I took my friend to have her dog put down at the vet yesterday so she wouldn’t have to do it alone—and I felt very sad for her, with tears and feeling choked up, but that was a “normal” person's response to the situation.)

I have not felt depressed at all since starting the medication. There is a big difference between feeling sad and feeling depressed; and I’ve felt sad a few times for “normal” things, like I mentioned, but I have not felt depressed.

I used to use food to help me feel better when I was depressed, and even alcohol to help with anxiety. Now, I don’t feel the need to use either of those things for those purposes. I haven’t binged in a long time, and I actually don’t even feel the urge to. I’ve only had alcohol in social situations, and I put a cap on it at two drinks max. 

Frankly, I am amazed at the difference that a month with the correct diagnosis and medication can make. For the first time in my life, I am experiencing “normal” (or at least what I imagine normal feels like). 

I’ve accepted and even embraced my diagnosis. I even started a Pinterest board with tons of funny memes about bipolar disorder, and looking at those makes me laugh and feel less alone. So many things that I thought were my “quirks” are actually very common among people with bipolar disorder. (I inserted a lot of memes in this post to keep it light-hearted)

I may even joke about bipolar on my blog from time to time, and I mean no disrespect to anyone with bipolar (or any mental illness). I just found that by looking at the humor in it, I feel much better about it. (So, if any of my real life friends are reading this, know that it’s okay to joke about it and call me “crazy”, etc. I will laugh!)

I only know one other person with bipolar, and she just came into my life less than a year ago. After Jerry and Andrea, she was the first person I told about my diagnosis. She was very helpful in making me realize that nothing has really changed except for the name of my diagnosis, and that now I’ll have the correct medication to feel better. 

I’m still the same person as before, but I don’t feel so bad. I feel like I have a better handle on everything in general, and I really hope that by writing about it on my blog, I can bring more awareness to bipolar II, and maybe even refute the stigma surrounding bipolar disorder. 

I only ask one thing about this post: Please be kind. If not for me, then for other people that have bipolar and are reading this post and the comments. I am seriously terrified to click the “publish” button, and even more terrified of the feedback I may receive. So, if I may ask one thing, it’s just that if you don’t have something kind to say, please don’t comment at all. 

The majority of you have been SO supportive of me through all these years, and I can’t even tell you how much I appreciate that. Being honest about tough stuff has always been hard for me, but the feedback I’ve gotten has been overwhelmingly positive. I am so grateful for all of it! Thank you for being here. xo

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11/1/17- Important edit to add: I've been meaning to mention this ever since my diagnosis, and I keep forgetting about it! Whenever I write about my bipolar disorder, I tend to get several emails from people who, after reading, feel like they probably have it, too.

When I was studying psychology in college, we learned about "medical student syndrome", which could also be applied to learning about mental illnesses. Basically, when students are studying diseases of the body and/or mind, they can start to worry that they have every condition they are learning about. If you tend to Google your symptoms and wind up on WebMD, your symptoms could be one of hundreds of conditions/diseases! That's why it's best not to self-diagnose.

So, when I write about my bipolar disorder, and people read about my symptoms, it can cause a lot of questioning of whether they may have it, too. The truth is, so many of the symptoms of bipolar can be linked to LOTS of other conditions. There are many symptoms that I have or have had in the past that I don't write about here--either because it's embarrassing or just too personal.

Usually, those symptoms are the biggest indicators for bipolar, and were the reasons for my diagnosis. Bipolar is much more than just "mood swings". I just want to make this clear because I don't want the severity of bipolar disorder to seem insignificant, or that bipolar disorder is common and "no big deal". It damaged many parts of my life from the time I was a child.

So, I encourage you not to self-diagnose anything, but especially mental illness. It took me 10 years and five mental health professionals to finally get me to accept my diagnosis--the doctors saw symptoms that I did not recognize or that I thought were normal, which is why I never accepted it. Please keep that in mind. Okay, sorry for that long edit!)

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Reader Meet-up in Indy!

Wow. All I can really say about this group of readers is that I honestly could not have hand-picked more delightful people.

Sarah, Laura, Amy, Val, Gail, Glory, Christie, Cathy, Sarah, me, Erin, and Keri-Ann

Last fall, I had the idea to host a Runs for Cookies reader meet-up in Indianapolis for the Indy Mini weekend. The Indy Mini is the half-marathon that I've done five times now. It was my first-ever race, which I walked in 2008. My infamous "before" photo was taken during that race in 2009. I walked it pretty fast with my sister in 2010 after losing about 75 pounds. It became the first half-marathon that I ever ran, which was in 2011. I spectated in 2015 when my Ragnar SoCal team had a reunion.

So, this race is pretty special to me! It's a fantastic race for first-time half-marathoners--runners or walkers. It's the largest half in the country, with 35,000 people. (I am not an ambassador, but I do love the race so much that I certainly do my share of free advertising!)

Anyway, I thought it would be the perfect race race for a reader meet-up. I mentioned it on my blog, and I was surprised at what a great response I got. We formed a Facebook group to get to know each other a little, but these women were all strangers to me (except Caitlin, my friend who I write about frequently on my blog).

I was really nervous going into it, because I had no idea what to expect. Everybody knows ME pretty well, because they've read my blog for years. But I knew nothing about them, and I had no idea if we'd get along or even have much in common. Usually when I host meet-ups, I keep it to a couple of hours, just in case it's not ideal (thankfully, I've never had to worry about that--they've all worked out great so far!).

However, this was different because it was a weekend, and not just a couple of hours. I've already spoiled the ending by telling you what a great group of people this turned out to be, but I am just so happy that we did this and everything went well!

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Caitlin had something come up on Thursday, and wasn't able to go to Indy. I was super bummed, but I totally understood and it was out of her control. I was glad Jerry was with me, because otherwise I wouldn't have known a single soul.

Jerry and I left for Indy on Friday morning. We stopped at Sam's Club for Buca di Beppo gift cards (that's where we were planning our group dinner for Friday night, and Sam's has $100 gift cards for only $75... since our bill was going to be $300+, we saved $75 by buying gift cards up front!).

We were staying at the Omni downtown, and I wasn't sure what to expect with that, either. I've always stayed at the Embassy Suites, but back in August, they were already sold out for Indy weekend! The Omni ended up not being the greatest place to stay, and if I was to go back to Indy for the race again, I would make sure to book the Embassy Suites right away. (I usually don't complain about hotels, but our room in the Omni was not very clean, and the pillows totally grossed me out.) Embassy Suites has free breakfast, free happy hour, suites (obviously) that are great for having lots of people in the room hanging out, and the location is PERFECT for the race.

Anyway, our room wasn't ready at the Omni, so we left our bags there and then walked to The Yard House. I went to one in Portland, and I knew Jerry would love it--when I saw there was one in Indy, I was really excited for Jerry to go! (They have an enormous beer menu, and since Jerry loves craft beer, he was thrilled.)

Sadly, this photo is way too dark, but it is
Jerry with his flight of beer

We met up with the readers who were already in town (a few had their husbands with them as well, which was good for Jerry not to be the only guy there). I had a salted watermelon margarita (yes, in a beer place) and it was actually really delicious! I love anything watermelon flavored.

Just from chatting with the people who were there, I felt very comfortable and I knew I was going to like this group. Each time I met one more reader as they showed up, I was more and more excited about how the weekend was going to go. After drinks at The Yard House, Val, Glory, Laura, Jerry, and I walked over to the convention center for the expo and packet pick-up.

At the expo, I saw reader Lise who I met at the finish line a couple of years ago, so it was nice to see her again! She had some family things going on, so she wasn't able to make it to dinner.

After the expo, we went back to the hotel to hang out for a little bit before heading to dinner at Buca. Christie does private wine tastings and brought a couple of bottles for us to try. So Jerry and I invited everyone to our room for wine and chit chat before we walked to the restaurant. A few other people showed up then, so the room was pretty crowded, but it was fun to get to talk to everyone. I was curious about how everyone discovered my blog, so that was interesting to hear.

Our dinner reservation was at 7:00, so we walked over to Buca, where we met up with the rest of the group. We were a large party of 17, but our server (Christy) was phenomenal. And we made it easier on her by having our whole order written down ahead of time. Buca serves family-style, so we got a variety of pasta (and a chicken dish, but I didn't have any of that). My favorite was the Spicy Chicken Rigatoni, on the far right in my photo). I was really bummed that we didn't have a refrigerator in our room (another perk of Embassy Suites) so I couldn't bring the leftover rigatoni back to the hotel to eat the next day.

We also had garlic bread, but I ate that before the pasta came

I was tempted to have a glass of wine with dinner, but I've been trying hard to stick with 1-2 drinks max in a day; and I'd had that margarita in the afternoon, and then wine at the hotel, so I just stuck with water.

Most of us were staying at the hotel, so we went back there after dinner.

Packed into the elevator

I was still wide awake, so Erin came up to our room and Jerry and Erin's husband, Noel, went downstairs for a beer. Erin and I have gotten to know each other a little via email, and I was really looking forward to getting to know her in person, so it was nice to get to chat with her. She decided to walk the race with me the next day, instead of running, which made me happy to have a partner to walk with.

I didn't sleep very well, but that's not unusual for me in a hotel. Got up in the morning and dressed for the race. I just hoped it wouldn't rain! That was the main thing I was concerned about. The morning was a little hectic. Jerry and I were talking about maybe leaving late Saturday night instead of Sunday morning, because the hotel was pretty expensive and since we didn't have Caitlin to split the room with, it would have been a LOT of money to stay one more night. We decided to check out, and Gail was kind enough to let us store our suitcase in her room for the day.

I had been planning to have cereal for breakfast, which I brought with me, but I realized I had no spoon. I ate a few dried apple slices and half a cookie, but that was it--not an ideal breakfast before a half-marathon! I went downstairs and met up with some of the others, and we walked to the starting line. Erin and I started in the back with the 8:00 wave.

I stitched some videos and photos together, while Jerry and I were driving home last night, using the 1SecondEveryday app--so I'll just share that here instead of posting a ton of photos individually.

I have to say, walking the half was MUCH harder than any of the half's I've ever run! I'm sure if I had trained properly, I would have had an easier time, but walking 13.1 miles is no joke. Erin is used to running as well, so her body just was not used to the walking. Toward the end, she kept having a spasm in her leg that would happen pretty frequently, so we stopped and stretched every couple of minutes, just hoping to make it to the finish line before the sweeper ;)

I had forgotten about my favorite part of the course--at around the one mile marker, there is a corner where you go right past the elites (if you are walking, you get to see the elites come through! But if you're running, you'll likely miss it). When Erin and I reached that corner, we saw the last of the hand cyclists go by, and then the car that was leading the elites. We stopped for a minute on the corner to watch and cheer, so it was really fun to get to see the first place person at mile 12, while we were at mile 1--haha.

Just after that, I heard someone say, "Katie Foster?" I was so surprised (with the biggest half in the country, what are odds you'll bump into someone you know?). It turned out to be a fan of From Fat to Finish Line named Andréa. We took a picture and chatted for a minute before Erin and I continued. It was so crazy to bump into someone that recognized me like that! (I later got a comment on Facebook from another person who had recognized me at The Yard House, but she didn't come say hi. If any of you ever see me out, I don't bite! Honest!)

Erin and I chatted the whole way, which made the time go by much faster than if I was walking alone. But I absolutely loved taking pictures and videos and really taking in the whole race without a single thought of my finish time.

The video I posted shows the sights (I missed so many, because I wasn't ready with my camera at all times). But it was a great race! I was SUPER ready to be done by the time we got to the finish line, and my legs felt terrible, but we did it :)  My official finish time was 3:46:33.

I love getting cookies at the finish line! But they
didn't survive the trip back to the room very well.

Once I showered and changed, I realized I actually got a sunburn. I had been worried about rain (which it did rain a little in the very beginning) but never thought about the chance of sunburn. Fortunately, it was just the very top of my neck. So, it looks a little ridiculous, but at least it's just a small spot.

Cathy, Laura, Gail, Christie, Jerry, and I went for frozen yogurt after we all showered and dressed. I swear, in that moment, it was the best thing I've ever tasted. SO good!

My legs were killing me, so we walked back to the hotel, going through the mall. I noticed a food stand in the mall called "Cup of Corn"--and it was literally a place where you could get a cup of corn with different seasonings. Odd, right? I happen to LOVE corn--it is probably my favorite food after ice cream--and I stopped for a sample. I asked for whatever seasoning he recommended, and he gave me lemon pepper, parmesan cheese, and chili power. I never would have chosen that combo, but it was heavenly!! I immediately decided I was going to get that for dinner instead of eating the planned pizza in the room, haha.

We all went up to Gail's room and hung out there, watching the derby on TV. Well, I just sat and talked with the girls while Jerry massaged my feet ;)

(He didn't do the race--he had an omelet breakfast and went out for a beer while I was walking!)

As stated, I decided to have the Cup of Corn for dinner, and it was delicious. Such an odd idea, I know, but it's not unusual for me to have corn for dinner, so I was happy.

I'm going to get some lemon pepper seasoning so I can make it at home. Yum!

At around 9:30, everyone headed home or back to their rooms, so Jerry and I packed up our stuff. We said our good-byes, and hopes for doing another meet-up next year sometime, and then Jerry and I drove home. It's a four hour drive, so we didn't get home until 2:00 this morning! But it was totally worth it.

We had such an amazing time with lots of new friends, and I hope to see them again for another meet-up!

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May... Wait, what?!

Can someone just please stop time for a few days and let me catch up? ;)

Whew! The weekend was kind of crazy (my sister was in town, so not the usual routine), but the last couple of days have been even crazier. I can't believe that Jerry and I leave in TWO DAYS to go to Indy for the half-marathon.

This photo is from the first year I walked the Indy Mini (2008). I'm in pink, at the bottom of the photo. When I got this photo back, I felt SO BAD for "ruining" (accidentally photobombing?) what would have been a perfect photo of the girls behind us! Hahaha. So, if one of you girls happens to be reading this, please accept my apologies ;)

On Thursday, my back was more painful than it has EVER been. I've had back pain since I was very young, probably about eight years old. It continued to get worse over the years, and a couple of years ago, I finally had an MRI, showing that I have two large bone spurs on my spine as well as arthritis--yay. The pain used to get worse throughout the day, peaking in the evenings; lately, though, it's been getting really bad even as early as 10:00 in the morning. (I have a point to all this; I'm not just complaining.)

So on Thursday, I spent most of the day working on the Beginners Half-Marathon Training Plan, which meant I was slouched over my computer. By the late afternoon, I was in tears from the pain and I could barely move. I had been planning a 10-mile walk on Friday, but I didn't think I would be able to do it because of my back.

When I woke up in the morning, though, my back was much better, so I went for the walk without any issues. And for a few days after, my back pain was back to the "usual" pain that I've always had. It made me wonder if this has something to do with my not running regularly (i.e. at all) for the last few months. Rather than aggravating my back, maybe the regular exercise was keeping the pain under control.

I have been keeping a mood journal as well as a "symptoms" log on my phone, so it'll be interesting to see if that's the case. Definitely motivation to get back to running soon!

Anyway, I love that this popped up on my "Memories" on Facebook this morning...

That photo was from 2015 just after the Indy Mini. I wasn't able to participate that year, because of the Stress Fracture of 2015, but it was so much fun to hang out with my Sole Mates (and Jerry and Rik) (and the random guy in the background making a Jerry face! How did I not notice this before today? lol).

I imagine this year will be just as much fun. There are 13 of us going, and other than Caitlin, I have not met any of the others in person. Several months ago, I posted on my blog about a weekend meet-up for the race, and I expected maybe one or two people to be interested--certainly not this many! It will be fun getting to meet everyone in person. We are going to eat at Buca di Beppo on Friday to carb load for the race (or let's just call it what it is--eating lots of yummy pasta!). Saturday is the race, and then dinner/games at the hotel. We come home on Sunday.

I forgot to share my April "1 Second Everyday" video. In January, I committed to doing the videos every day for a year, and I've actually really LOVED making it a part of my daily routine. A lot of times, I don't have anything exciting to record, so I usually just get a second of my pets. But I typically try to pick something out of the ordinary or something that represents that day to me. There are some days where I have about 10 different video clips to choose from, which is hard! But anyway, here is my April video...

I went to bed last night at around 10:00, and I woke up twice during the night. The first time, I looked at my alarm clock and it read 11:11. I thought that was cool, because 11 is my favorite number. The second time I woke up, the clock read 3:33. Well, 33 is my second favorite number, as well as one of my Keno numbers. So, clearly, I need to try my luck at Keno today! ;)

Speaking of numbers, I had another good Wednesday Weigh-in today.

I'm kind of interested to see a comparison of photos from the Indy Mini through the years. In 2008, I weighed 207. In 2009, I weighed 253. In 2010, I weighed 165. In 2011, I weighed 147. And this year will be about 138. Here is an old comparison I made:

It's missing 2011, so I will have to add that on there as well. Looking at the photos, it feels like 2009 was just yesterday. I remember everything about that photo and how I was feeling in that moment.

The weather is NOT looking good for Saturday, and I really hope it changes! If it's pouring rain, I probably won't do the race :(  If it's a light rain, then I will; but walking for four hours with wet shoes and socks will destroy my feet.

BUT, I am going to think positive and hope for great weather!

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