November 13, 2010

That Day I Fainted and Broke My Jaw: Part 5

This is the fifth post in a six post series. Here are the first posts:

That Day I Fainted and Broke My Jaw: Part 1
That Day I Fainted and Broke My Jaw: Part 2
That Day I Fainted and Broke My Jaw: Part 3
That Day I Fainted and Broke My Jaw: Part 4


My jaw is getting better, I guess. The doctor said it would take at least 6 weeks to heal, and it's only been 2 1/2 weeks. I'm just feeling really depressed right now. I have been crying a lot and just feeling depressed in general.

I feel like I worked so hard for almost 16 months to finally be happy with how I look, and then I go and break my jaw... and now I feel really ugly. I know that it sounds terrible of me to be upset about my looks when so many people have it so much worse (what if I had broken my neck and was paralyzed? or hit my head and had brain trauma?)

I just can't help but think about how I'll never look as pretty as I was before. I never even used to think I was pretty until recently! My confidence went up a lot when I lost the weight, and I was feeling really good about myself. Now, I feel ugly again.

My jaw looks swollen still (I don't know if it actually IS swollen, but I don't think it is... it's just bigger, probably from the metal plates they had to put in there); there is a weird gap between my two bottom teeth in front that looks like a black spot--but it's just the gap where my jaw was broken.

I can't keep my lips closed without effort, and I have all these metal things along my gums while my jaw heals. I have a 1-inch scar under my lower lip, and another under my chin.

For some reason, I suddenly have been breaking out in pimples along my jaw too. I have no feeling in my chin, and my teeth are in pain all the time. I'm taking highly-addictive pain medication that makes me a little dizzy so that I can't drive.

My muscles feel like they have turned to mush over the last few weeks, and when I went out for a run it was really difficult and disheartening. The antibiotic they had me take gave me a rash across my shoulders and chest that looks like bad acne... I quit taking the antibiotic, but the rash is taking forever to go away.  I'm sick to death of smoothies and pureed soup, but that's all I can really have.

I'm just so sick of this, and I wish I could go back to Nov 12th and do everything differently. I still have no idea exactly why I passed out, so there are things I'm avoiding simply because of the anxiety that maybe it was THAT particular thing that caused it.

I've gotten back to the point where I don't want people to call me, I just want to stay in pj's all day and I want to do nothing but lie around--this is what I am like when I get really depressed.

Everything in my life was actually going REALLY good recently--I'd worked so hard for it, too--and then in an instant, it all changed because I fainted and broke my damn jaw. I wish I could fast forward until my jaw is healed so I can see all the permanent damage.

This picture is from yesterday--it's hard to see my face very well here, but I think you can see how big the lower half of my face is, and the scar under my lip...

My husband is cooking spaghetti and garlic bread right now for his and the kids' dinner... which is like torture. Better go make a smoothie or something. Sorry for the depressing entry.

To be continued in Part 5: The Day I Fainted and Broke My Jaw, Part 6

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