I really need to write about something other than Mark today. I don't have anything in mind, but Mark has been consuming my thoughts every hour of the day, and it's weighing heavily on me. But first, let me share a brief update: My parents went to the group home before Mark left yesterday. I was torn about whether to go or not; I felt really good about the last conversation I had with Mark, and didn't want to mess with that. I ended up not going, but my mom told me how things went.
|My dad with Mark, just before Mark left|
I didn't write my feelings about Mark's nephew ("D") before, because I really wanted to keep everything about Mark (and I still do). But I was bitter--it bothered me that he never visited Mark, and then wanted to take Mark home all of a sudden. He hasn't been the most likable person over the last few months. Anyway, my mom said after seeing D when he went to pick up Mark, she felt very good about Mark going home with him.
D had been up all night getting a room ready for Mark--painting, moving furniture, etc. He is friends and neighbors with a certified hospice nurse, so she is going to be Mark's primary caregiver. My mom said that Mark was happy to see D (he hadn't seen him since December, I believe). D told my mom we can come over any time we want, even if it's every single day (the downside is that he lives an hour away).
Mark seemed happy to leave with D, who took him to his house in time for the hospice nurses to arrive and evaluate Mark and get his bed and everything set up. My mom called D last night to see how Mark was doing, and D was getting ready to give him dinner. He said Mark was awake, and let my mom talk to him. Mark spoke very clearly, and when my mom asked him how he liked his new house, he said he really liked it.
I planned to keep this very brief, and here I am rattling on :) Anyway, I feel MUCH better about the situation after hearing the updates. My mom and I plan to go visit Mark tomorrow (Monday). I'm still hurting for the fact that Mark's time here is almost over, but the fears that I was imagining about him staying with his nephew are gone. I think that his nephew has truly decided to step up for Mark, and take good care of him.
I went for a run yesterday morning, even though it was the last thing I felt like doing. It was before Mark had left with D, so I was worrying about that all morning. I was scheduled for six miles, but I'd run six the day before (when I was only scheduled for five), so I decided to run five. I just really wanted to avoid the awful wind blowing in from the north, because it gives me a headwind the entire second half of my out-and-back route.
I decided to run around the four neighborhoods surrounding me, which is a perfect five miles. I think this winter, I've forgotten how to dress for outdoor running. I was definitely too warm yesterday in a long-sleeved tech shirt, fleece jacket, Cold Gear tights, gloves, and ear warmer headband. The "real feel" temp was 30, so I thought that would work. But after last week's horribly cold long run, I didn't want to take any chances, so I definitely dressed too warm!
I couldn't believe how difficult it felt to run yesterday. I maintained about a 9:30/mi pace, which should have felt very easy. In the fall, I was regularly running 8-10 miles at an 8:45-ish pace. But yesterday, I was huffing and puffing though the entire run, which was kind of discouraging. I'm hoping once I get back to regularly running outside, I'll get my fitness back quickly.
Last night, I decided to get out my summer clothes to try on and see what I should pack for San Diego (less than two weeks away!). I'm not kidding myself into thinking I'm the same size as I was in the summer (or even in January), but I couldn't believe at how tight my clothes had gotten! My goal weight is 133, and I maintained that pretty much all of 2013 (it started creeping up in November, but it wasn't until February that I gained quite a bit). Anyway, at 146, that means I'm 13 pounds over my goal weight. Seven of those pounds came on since February.
When I was obese, 13 pounds wouldn't have made a bit of difference in my clothing. But now, 13 pounds can equal 1-2 clothing sizes! I can barely squeeze into my size 4 shorts that were actually pretty baggy in the summer. It was depressing to try it all on, but also very motivating. I honestly didn't realize that those 13 pounds would make such a big difference. I obviously don't have enough time to lose it all before I go to San Diego, but hopefully by summertime I can.
I wanted to binge SO BADLY yesterday... it was driving me crazy all day long. My parents had the kids pretty much all day, to give me some space to grieve over Mark. It was very helpful, but being home alone, feeling sad all day made it hard for me not to dive head-first into a pint of ice cream. I thought about it constantly--curling up on the couch under a blanket, watching a Lifetime movie, and eating ice cream--the whole cliche.
The thing that stopped me was that I tried swapping out the ice cream for a mug of tea in that same scenario--it's just as comforting and relaxing, but it wouldn't leave me feeling like crap. So that's what I did. And later, when Jerry was home, I wanted to binge after dinner, but he told me he'd give me a really good back massage. It felt awesome, and definitely made the craving bearable until we watched TV with the kids before bed. I had tea instead of wine in the evening, per the challenge by my WW leader, and I found that I really didn't miss the wine as long as I had something to sip.
I think I'm just going to have to take each day, and each craving, as it comes. Having to re-lose this 13 pounds is bad enough; I don't want to add to it. And I certainly don't want to use Mark's illness as an excuse to comfort myself with food--he would feel awful if he knew I was doing that.
This morning, I have my long run--10 miles. I'm considering doing it without my Garmin, but I don't know if I'll be able to do that ;) It would be really nice to run as slowly as I want, with nothing to tell me how slowly I'm running; but I do like looking at all the fun data when I'm done!