Air quality alert

As you can see, I did not do my Wednesday Weigh-in yesterday. I actually haven't gotten on the scale in over a week! I've been doing really well the last few days as far as my eating goes, so I'm afraid if I get on the scale and see that my weight is up from eating out all last weekend, I'll just have that "screw it" mentality. Usually, I'm pretty good about not letting the scale get to me (mentally), but right now I feel kind of vulnerable, considering everything that's been going on lately. So I'm going to give it a little more time, and then I'll do my regular weigh-ins again.

August 19th will mark SEVEN YEARS since I started this weight loss journey! Maybe I'll do a big comparison post then--not just my weight, but all that has changed in the last seven years. It's so hard to believe it's been that long. While my journey is more like a roller coaster with the ups and downs, I still have to pat myself on the back for maintaining such a large weight loss for this long. It's been far from perfect, but I've still defied the odds!

I took the kids to the county fair on Tuesday, and I can't even describe how tempted I was to eat all sorts of junk and then "start over tomorrow". I didn't buy ANY food there, though! I ate one of Eli's french fries, and that's the only thing I had. I was most tempted by the elephant ears--they looked and smelled so good. I probably could have gotten one, and worked it into my calories, but it was more about the mindset--I wanted to prove to myself that it was perfectly okay to go to the fair and not eat junk food. Instead, I had a piece of homemade zucchini bread when I got home. 

I had a hard time getting out the door to run this morning (running after a rest day is toughest for me). I procrastinated as it got hotter by the minute, and then finally headed out at 9:30. It felt so much hotter than the numbers showed, though.

I was in the mood to run long(ish) and slow, so I could listen to a couple of podcasts. I wore my heart rate monitor to keep my heart rate low, and my heart rate was so high today! I felt like I couldn't possibly run any slower, but my heart rate monitor was beeping constantly from being too high. I did an out and back, listening to a couple of podcasts, and my pace was the slowest it's been since I started heart rate training in December. 

A 12:18/mile average pace, and even then, my average heart rate was 148 (I was aiming for under 146 bpm). When I got home, my clothes were totally saturated with sweat. 

I didn't notice the "air quality alert" until after my run, so I decided to look it up online and see exactly what that means. I was kind of surprised to see that it could very well be why my run felt so hard today. Here is a quote from the Environmental Protection Agency about one of the problems that could happen:

"Reduce lung function, making it more difficult to breathe as deeply and vigorously as you normally would, especially when exercising. Breathing may start to feel uncomfortable, and you may notice that you are taking more rapid and shallow breaths than normal."

That's so interesting! I've never paid attention to the air quality index before, but I'm definitely going to start.

With everything going on with Chandler, I totally forgot to write about this: we officially adopted Monica! We made this decision before Chandler died. Monica is just such a sweet cat that I couldn't imagine having to give her back.

I felt a little guilty about it after Chandler died, because I certainly wasn't trying to replace him. Chandler could never be replaced! But like I said, we made the decision when we thought we'd have several more years with Chandler.

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Tomorrow, I'm meeting Nathan for a run early in the morning. I'm planning to run at a tempo-ish pace of 8:30 or so, but if the air feels anything like today, I'll just nix that plan and run easy! The air quality alert is supposed to expire tonight at midnight, so hopefully tomorrow's run will feel easier. 

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It's FINALLY here!

It's been over four years in the making, and I am relieved to say that the documentary, From Fat to Finish Line, is FINALLY available! I had nothing to do with the making of the film, other than the fact that I was one of the subjects (and I put together the team of runners)--but this is a big day indeed. It was so crazy to see the documentary on the iTunes movies page today!

I've been writing about it on my blog for, well, YEARS now; but, if you aren't familiar with the documentary, here is a brief explanation: In 2011, a reader of mine named Rik contacted me about my lower body lift surgery. One thing led to another, and, in short, we put together a Ragnar Relay team of 12 people who had all lost a lot of weight and become runners (our team lost about 1200 pounds total).

The documentary shares a little of each team member's history, and shows how we all came together as a team to run the 2013 Ragnar Relay Florida Keys. This was filmed over a period of a year, and then hundreds of hours of footage was condensed down to a single film. If you'd like to watch the film, on Amazon (digital or DVD). I think it may be available on some other VOD platforms, but I'm not sure. It will be on Netflix later this year (we don't have an exact date). (If you pledged money toward the film, you will get your DVD shortly as well).

I hope you enjoy the film if you choose to watch it!   I learned that producing a film is an actual art form, and the producer is the artist. Angela (the producer) has been fantastic through all of this--I can't even begin to imagine how much work it was to make this film!

The best thing to have come out of this film is that I have met some of the most amazing people that I never would have met otherwise. I've also had some crazy opportunities that never would have come my way--being on the Today Show and in Runner's World magazine, for starters! This whole experience has been so surreal. Sometimes, I feel like I'm not deserving of all these opportunities, but I have to remind myself that I earned this. I worked SO hard to lose the weight, to become a runner, and to keep the weight off. I've had so many successes and struggles over the years, I've lost count of each ;)

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Speaking of struggles, I've been feeling a little better the past week or so as far as this depressive episode goes. It's interesting, because you would have thought that Chandler's passing would make me feel even worse. Before Caitlin came for the weekend, I was worried that I would be a terrible host considering my mood lately; but almost as soon as she arrived, I busied myself to make sure that she was having fun, and I almost forgot about my depression. I had so much fun over the weekend--it was just what I needed!

I don't feel 100% back to normal yet, but I do feel like that dark depression cloud is lifting, and I'm hopeful that I'll feel back to normal soon (a few weeks ago, I felt like it would never end). It's interesting--I've cried over Chandler several times over the past few days, but it felt like "normal" crying, from grieving a beloved pet; but, when crying from depression (for no reason at all), it doesn't feel "normal". I hope that makes sense--it's hard to explain!

I wasn't eating well at all while I was feeling so bad, and I've actually been afraid to get on the scale--I think it's been over a week since I weighed myself. Over the weekend, I took Caitlin to a lot of my favorite restaurants, so I was eating junk then, too. I don't feel bad about what I ate on the weekend, because it wasn't emotional eating; where before, I was eating to make myself feel better.

Interestingly, after Caitlin left, I was craving some healthy foods (probably because of the junk I ate over the weekend)--I made a giant fruit salad (just cantaloupe, honeydew melon, and grapes), so I've been eating tons of fruit. I've also eaten more salad in the past few days that I have in the last six months, haha. For dinner last night, I made a recipe I found on Pinterest for Southwestern Chopped Salad. It was SO good!

Anyway, Jerry started a super crazy project at work yesterday that will continue over the next few months; and since he's going to be working so hard, I promised myself that I would work just as hard at being my best self. I'm back to counting calories how I was doing before, and I'm following a running schedule again. I'm going to finish our bathroom project, which will take a while. And I'm going to do my best to ensure that the kids have a great last month before school starts!

I am beyond thrilled with my new therapist--I've seen her twice now, and I actually really look forward to going again. She validates my feelings, and I love that I can tell her anything without feeling judged. She gives me "homework" to do, which has been helpful in keeping me focused.

I haven't really decided on a running goal for fall, but I'm following a half-marathon training plan for now. If I decide that I don't want to do that distance, then I'll switch to a 5K plan in the fall. Right now, I just want to get back into a running routine. Also, my therapist suggested that I replace one of my runs with swimming each week (I have chronic back pain due to arthritis and a couple of bone spurs). I think I may take an adult swimming class this fall. I've always hated swimming, but maybe if I learn how to swim properly, I'll actually enjoy it. If nothing else, it will be good cross training!

I am so glad to report that I am feeling better, and I hope that those of you who could relate to what I was going through are feeling better as well--if not now, then soon! Thanks for being patient with my not-so-happy posts lately. I tried to keep them positive, but it's hard when I'm not feeling very positive. I can't even tell you how much I appreciate the support from so many readers!

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A weekend with Caitlin

Thank you so much for your kind words on my post about Chandler. I'm still sort of in disbelief that he's actually gone. He's usually the first cat to come running into the kitchen when I feed them, and it's been so strange not to have him there. This morning, Monica jumped up onto my bed, and for a second I thought it was Chandler, and then remembered that it couldn't be. Having  my friend Caitlin here for the weekend helped my mood a lot, though!

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Aside from the heartbreak of losing Chandler over the weekend, I did have a lot of fun with Caitlin. I met Caitlin because she was a reader of my blog, and she emailed me back in 2012 to thank me for my posts about my skin removal surgery. She said she had lost well over 100 pounds (I later learned it was actually 240 pounds!! She's very modest, haha) and she had skin removal surgery as well.

The following year, I emailed her out of the blue to ask if she'd be interested in joining a Ragnar SoCal team made up of several of my blog readers. She agreed, and I actually met her in person the following October. We were both running the Chicago Marathon, so we met up in Chicago the day before the race. If not for her, I likely wouldn't have even run the race--I had a panic attack when I arrived in Chicago, and was very tempted to just turn around and go right back to my sister's house. I ended up hanging out with Caitlin, and I am so glad that I stayed!

We ran Ragnar SoCal together in 2014, and then I visited her for a day in Boston when I went out there for the Heartbreak Hill Half & Festival for Runner's World. That was the last time I saw her, so it had been a couple of years.

Caitlin had never been to Michigan, so it was fun getting to show her around a little! She arrived on Thursday, and we took the kids out to lunch. Then, we drove the kids to my brother's house, because they were going to stay the night over there. Brian was making guacamole when we got there, so naturally, we stayed for a little bit ;)

That evening, my other brother, Nathan, came over to my house. He hadn't yet seen the documentary, so Nathan, Caitlin, Jerry, and I watched the film. (It is being released tomorrow, by the way! It will be available on iTunes and Amazon.)

On Friday morning, Caitlin and I went to the State Park for a long walk, while Jerry took Chandler to the vet. I already wrote about that yesterday, so I won't get into it again. But after having a good cry in the park, I decided that I would try not to think about it much while Caitlin was in town--I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable about the whole situation. (She went through the same thing with her cat, though, so she was totally understanding.)

We had sandwiches from Erie Bread Co. for lunch--their 13-8-on-9 is probably the best sandwich on the planet, in my opinion. We went back to Brian's to pick up the kids, and ended up hanging out for several hours. Brian had some model rockets that he and the boys put together, and the kids wanted to launch them. So we went to a big field for the launch, and Brian brought his quadcopter to film it. It was actually really fun to watch! The rockets went about 1,000 feet in the air, and then the kids ran to try and catch the parachute on the way down.

The rocket actually almost hit Brian's quadcopter

We left to go to dinner before heading to a Mud Hen's (baseball) game. I had been debating when I should tell the kids about Chandler, and I decided to tell them before dinner. I didn't want to ruin their time at the game, but I thought maybe the game would be a good distraction. Otherwise, if I told them right before bed, they would just be upset all night. It was heartbreaking to give them the news, and they reacted just like I thought they would; but I'm glad that I told them before dinner, because going out to eat and to a ball game was a good way to take their minds off of it. (Except for the fact that the kid sitting in front of us happened to be named Chandler! What are the odds?!)

We went to El Camino Real in Toledo, which is my favorite Mexican place. Then we headed to the Mud Hen's game. After we parked, we were walking to the stadium and we actually bumped into my friend Renee and her family, who were going to the game also! We found our seats, and I was grateful that it was slightly overcast, because we didn't have shade.

The weather felt perfect, actually--until the fourth or fifth inning, when it suddenly just started down pouring! Everyone ran for cover, and we ended up going down to where Renee's family was to wait it out.

We chatted for a while, and the rain wasn't letting up (they had called the game off) so we headed home. We watched an episode of Shameless (Caitlin had never seen it) and then went to bed. That night in bed, I got to talk to Jerry about Chandler--I had a ton of questions. I still just couldn't believe what had happened, and it was hard to fall asleep. When I got up, I decided to head out for a short run. Caitlin woke up as I was getting my shoes on, so she came along, too. We ran at a very easy pace, but it was so humid that it actually felt hard to breathe. We only ran three miles, but we were both really sweaty when we got back.

After showering and getting ready, we headed up to Detroit for the day. I knew Caitlin would love Eastern Market (an enormous farmer's market). We walked around for a couple of hours, sampling (and buying) several things.

Eventually, we took our goods to the car, and then walked to Greektown. It started raining fairly hard on the way, and we both got soaked, but we agreed it was better than walking in the sun. Caitlin mentioned she likes pulled pork, so we went to Redsmoke, my favorite barbecue place. I'm normally not a salad person, but I do love their caesar salad with pulled chicken!

After lunch, we walked to Greektown Casino. We lost our money, but we had fun! ;)

This is blurry because I was SO cold from be wet (from the rain) and then
being in the air-conditioning--my hands were shaking so badly!

We headed over to the Riverwalk, which is one of my favorite parts of Detroit. It's so pretty! I was excited to see that they put chairs out along the walk, so we stopped and sat for a few minutes with a gorgeous view of Canada.

I told Caitlin she looks like a celebrity in this photo for some reason--maybe it's the black clothes and sunglasses? I love that picture of her, though!

It was a very long walk back to the car, and by that time, it was already after 3:00. I wished I'd been wearing my Fitbit, but I looked at the Health app on my phone, and it said that we'd gotten in over 20,000 steps--nearly 12 miles (including our three mile run). That's a lot of walking!

We picked up the kids and Jerry, and then went to Anson's for dinner (our favorite pizza place). I showed Caitlin how to play Keno, because she'd never played before--and I actually won $75 on a $10 ticket! It's always fun when someone hits all their Keno numbers--even more fun when it's ME ;)

After dinner, we hurried back to my house, because Dean (one of our SoCal teammates) was going to come over, too! He just lives about an hour from me. (I met Dean because of the Motivational Monday posts on my blog--I watched as he went from 317 pounds and running his first 5K to weighing 171 pounds and running a sub-4:00 marathon!). Jerry made a fire, so we sat around the fire and chatted for a couple of hours before Dean had to leave. It was great getting to see them both. Dean was injured for a while and couldn't run, but he has done an awesome job with keeping the weight off--I am very impressed!

Between the three of us, we've lost 517 pounds. Kind of crazy!

On Sunday morning, I took Caitlin to the airport to head home. It was a super fun visit, and a nice way to help me take my mind off of Chandler. I hope we get together again before another two years passes!

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By the way, sorry it has taken so long to get the winner of the cat-lovers giveaway up here! I had a very busy weekend, as you can see. But congratulations to Laurie R! I have sent you an email to get your info, so I can pass it along to Purina :) Hope your kitty (or kitties) enjoy!

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The One Where Chandler Crossed the Rainbow Bridge

What started out to be a super fun weekend with my friend Caitlin ended up taking a very sad turn on Friday. Caitlin flew in from Boston on Thursday for a long weekend visit, and I was so excited to see her--it had been two years since the last time I saw her! I'll write all about her visit tomorrow, though, because I want to keep this post about Chandler.

On Friday morning, Chandler was showing signs of a urinary tract obstruction. An obstruction is an emergency situation, because if the urethra is blocked, the bladder could burst. Thankfully, the vet opened at 8:00 in the morning, so I asked Jerry to take him in right away (since Caitlin was visiting, I didn't want to have to change our plans). From what I'd read online, I was thinking they'd probably give Chandler antibiotics, and depending on how bad the blockage was, possibly keep him a day or two until he was better. It never occurred to me that it would be the last time I'd see him.

Caitlin and I went to the state park for a long walk, and about a mile into the walk, I got a phone call from Jerry. He was at the vet's office, and he told me that the red bulge I'd noticed on Chandler that morning was actually a tumor that had come out of Chandler's urethra. The placement of the tumor had blocked the urethra. The vet said that it was very likely cancerous, and that because of Chandler's age, the tumor's location, and the amount of pain Chandler was in, he would recommend euthanasia.

I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. It was the LAST thing I expected the vet to say. I knew Chandler was getting old, but I thought we'd at least have a few more years with him. I didn't know what to do--if I would have known he wouldn't come home, I would have given him his favorite wet food, and special treats; I would have cuddled and loved on him all night; I would have let the kids say good-bye to him. I thought about going to the vet right then, but Jerry said Chandler was in a lot of pain and they needed to do it right away. 

I kept asking if he was SURE that the vet didn't think there was anything else we could do, and the vet insisted that if it was his own cat, he would choose euthanasia in this situation. The vet said he would likely die over the weekend if we brought him home. Both Jerry and I were crying on the phone, and I felt so awful that I wasn't there. We agreed that having him put down was the best decision, and it was heartbreaking. 

The kids had stayed the night at my brother Brian's house, and I didn't want to ruin the fun time they were having, so we decided to wait until that evening to tell them. I was especially worried about Eli, because he adores our pets, and he's very sensitive to their feelings. 

Jerry spent a few minutes alone with Chandler before the vet came in to administer the injection. Jerry said once the vet gave him the shot, it was over with very quickly and peacefully. We chose to have him cremated. 

We had to make this decision a couple of years ago for Paolo, which was sad, but we'd only had Paolo a few years... with Chandler, the feelings hit so much harder. 

Jerry and I adopted Chandler from the animal shelter in 2003, shortly after we got married. He's been with us through everything, from bringing new babies into the house, who grew up to love him as much as we did, to bringing in other pets. Chandler was always the "constant" around here.

He used to watch Baby Einstein with Noah when Noah was a baby, and I think he liked the show more than Noah did. Noah loved having a cat, and Chandler became his buddy--even now, 12 years later, Chandler preferred to sleep on the boys' beds. Whenever the kids were sad, and wanted a pet to love on, Chandler was always the go-to--because he allowed himself to be cuddled, hugged, and petted. 

In his younger years, Chandler was agile and loved being outside. He could catch a bird mid-air, and a couple of times he even came home with a snake he'd killed. One winter, we had a really bad snow storm, and Chandler went missing. For four days, we looked and looked for him. I went around the neighborhood knocking on doors, passing out fliers, calling the shelter, hoping someone had seen him. On day five, once the snow started melting, I opened the door to go outside, and Chandler was there--fat, warm, and happy. I couldn't believe it! Someone had to have felt sorry for him and taken him in during the storm. After that, I started keeping him indoors only; I worried that one day, he wouldn't come back.

I'm not sure why he became such a fat cat, but it was a big part of his personality, and we loved that about him. 

I did put him on a diet after attending the "True Nature of Cats" seminar at the Purina headquarters--I fed him twice a day, and I stopped leaving out a bowl of food for him to constantly graze on. The other cats didn't have a weight problem, so I didn't want to keep them from eating. I discovered that Chandler was too lazy to use a puzzle feeder (a dish that the cats have to work to get food from--the one I had was made of several long, skinny cups that the cats would have to reach into with their paws and pull some food out.)

I left the puzzle feeder out for the other cats, and Chandler just ate at his normal feeding times. He actually lost five pounds over several months! The next time I weighed him, I saw that he had gained two pounds back, and I was stumped as to how that could happen. He was still eating the recommended serving. And he was using the treadmill regularly ;)

One day, I discovered what was going on: I saw Estelle and Chandler sitting at the puzzle feeder. I watched as Estelle reached in for a piece of food, and ate it. Then, she reached in and pulled out another... for Chandler. Back and forth, she would eat a piece, and then give Chandler a piece. She was feeding him because he was too lazy to get it himself!  I thought it was hilarious, and I realized Chandler was just meant to be a chubby kitty, so I stopped trying to make him diet. 

Chandler was the most easy-going cat we've ever had. Phoebe and Estelle can't stand each other, but each of them liked Chandler. And Chandler had a friendship with Joey, as well! There were several times I caught Chandler licking Joey's head. 

I'm not sure how much the other pets can sense about Chandler being gone, but ever since Friday, Phoebe has been hiding out in my bathroom underneath a bench--something she never does. And Joey hasn't been acting like his normal self, either--he's been much more mellow and quiet. 

This has obviously been a big blow to our entire family. I don't even think it has fully sunk in yet. Jerry took the boys out for a very fun day yesterday--mini golf, batting cages, and the movies--while I showed Caitlin around Detroit. It was nice to do something to take our minds off of Chandler, but now that we're getting back in the normal routine, it feels so odd. He is missed so much already!

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News stories

There has been some huge news around here lately. Remember a couple of years ago (well, those of you that have been reading my blog that long, anyway), when I posted about a girl named Chelsea Bruck who went missing from a Halloween party a few miles from my house? It was a big story, and even made national news. As time went on, there was less and less hope of ever finding out what happened to her, but my hometown community made sure she wasn't forgotten about.

Her favorite color was purple, so people hung purple ribbons in their yards, on their houses, on telephone poles, etc., to show their support.

I was kind of obsessed for a while with the story, because it was so unusual for something like that to happen around here.

I would deliberately run down the road where she went missing, so that I could look in ditches and cornfields for parts of the Halloween costume she'd been wearing, or anything unusual. In the spring of 2015, a woman's decomposed body was found about 12 miles away in a wooded area--and unfortunately, it turned out to be Chelsea's. Her death was determined to be a homicide, although the police didn't reveal any more details than that.

Over a million flyers had been distributed since she went missing, showing a sketch of a "person of interest"--but nothing ever seemed to pan out.

About a month ago, the local police posted an actual photograph from the party of (what appeared to be) the person in the sketch on the flyer, and the man came forward. He wasn't necessarily a suspect, but they wanted to talk to him as a witness. I hadn't heard anything else after that, but I was surprised to see that they were still actively investigating.

This past weekend, out of nowhere, an arrest for her murder was made (not the guy from the flyer). I was half asleep in bed when I saw the post by the local news on Facebook, and my eyes flew open. I was shocked--and so, so, so happy that they made an arrest! The detective was quoted as saying he was "1000% sure" this man was the one who murdered Chelsea. Apparently, the suspect knew things that only the killer would know--things that had never been released to the public.

His girlfriend spoke to the press--saying that he called her from jail the following day, and told her what had happened, and admitted that he did, in fact, kill Chelsea. He was arraigned yesterday, and his name was released: Daniel Clay, a 27-year old man from the same city where I live. He told the judge that he doesn't want bond--clearly, for his own safety from the community.

As you can imagine, this news has caused a flood of posts on social media--everyone is thrilled that he was caught! I had honestly given up hope that they would ever find out who did it. There are still so many unanswered questions--why? how? when? was it planned? why her? Hopefully those answers will come out in court. He's being charged with second degree murder, so the police don't think that he planned it.

Another news story that I got caught up in last week was that a 20-year old girl named Sierah Joughin went missing (probably 30-40 minutes from here?). She was out for a bike ride with her boyfriend, and her boyfriend went back home before she did--and she never returned. A day or two later, her bicycle was found in a cornfield, and there were signs of foul play. I was checking the news constantly, hoping that they'd find her alive.

A man named James Worley was arrested for her abduction, although they still hadn't found her (it wasn't specified what led them to arrest him). Then the following day, a woman's body was found nearby, and the police said they "strongly believe" that it was Sierah (still waiting on confirmation from the coroner).

This case really caught my attention. She was a 20-year old woman abducted while riding her bike! I think about my safety a lot when I ride my bike (or when I run), but usually it's the fear of being hit by a car or something. When I read the story, I tried to think of what situation would cause me to let my guard down while out for a bike ride--and honestly, I think if someone stopped a car to ask for directions or something, I would probably stop my ride to tell them. It just seems like it would be difficult to abduct an adult on a bicycle.

Once I read about the suspect's past, however, it made so much sense. Worley was actually convicted of abducting a woman from her bike in 1990, under very similar circumstances! The woman managed to escape, thankfully. He did just three years in prison for it. But she explained how it happened: She was riding her bike when a truck passed her, going the opposite direction. A few moments later, the same truck struck her bicycle from behind, and she tumbled off the bike and into a ditch. The driver went over to her to ask if she was okay, and then struck her on the head with something. He put her in his truck, and even injured, she managed to escape. I'm amazed he only did three years in prison for that.

It honestly never occurred to me that someone would deliberately strike a cyclist in order to abduct them. I teach my kids all the time about what to do if they are approached by a stranger, in all sorts of circumstances--but this one that I never thought of. The only way to really avoid that is by staying on very public roads, or riding with a group.

I'm so sad for her family, and particularly her boyfriend, who probably feels terrible now for leaving her to finish her ride alone. I hope Worley never gets out of prison! And it makes me wonder if he's done this between 1990 and now. That's a long time between abductions. It's scary.

Anyway, I didn't mean for this to be such a downer of a post! I don't follow the news much, because it really is depressing to read these days. But sometimes, a story really grabs my attention, and these happened to be two of them. So, Friends, please be careful out there! Whether you're cycling or running or anything else.

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To end on a positive note, check out this picture I took today--I think Joey looks hilarious! His tongue was hanging out of his mouth and something to his right had clearly caught his attention ;)

Also, my boys are nearly the same height! I didn't even notice until I looked at this photo.

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Getting back to the norm

Well, I was hoping that this week was going to be so much better as far as my depression goes--not really the case. Last week, I decided to give myself permission (for a week) to just ride it out and not force myself to pretend that I wasn't feeling bad (usually, I try to pretend everything is fine until it actually is--"fake it 'til you make it"). I wasn't sure how this different strategy would work, but I figured it was worth a try.

Jerry went up north with friends for the weekend, and I was really glad he was able to do that--he felt bad going, but I told him I'd stay busy working on the bathroom. Through my week "off", I had no motivation to run, so I didn't; I wish I could say that I ate well, but it wasn't great; and the only real project I did around the house was working on the bathroom, which is turning into a much bigger job than I anticipated (taping, mudding, and sanding the drywall).

However, because I gave myself permission to have a week-long escape from reality, I did promise myself that on Monday, no matter how I was feeling, I would have to get back to the norm. Even if I just have to "fake it 'til I make it". So, this morning, as much as I didn't want to, I got out of bed and went for a run first thing this morning. It was super humid outside (77 with a 74 degree dew point, ugh). My pace was really slow--either because I hadn't run in almost a week or because it was so humid--probably a combination of both--but I just kept my heart rate under 146 bpm, regardless of pace.

When I got home, I took a shower and got dressed, then ate a healthy breakfast of bran flakes with blueberries and milk. As difficult as it was to make myself run, I (not surprisingly) felt much better afterward! I only ran a little over three miles, but I felt good about doing it--especially because I didn't want to.  Over the past month or so, I've learned that the longer I go without running, the less I want to run; and the more frequently I run, the more I want to. You would think it would be the opposite, but that's not so for me. Lesson learned: Run! Even when I don't want to ;)

I have a pretty busy week ahead--tonight is the boys' end-of-season baseball party (well, Noah's, but Eli was invited). Tomorrow, I think my brother is going to come help me with the bathroom. Wednesday, I have to get my house ready for a guest. Thursday, my friend/Ragnar SoCal teammate, Caitlin, is coming to visit until Sunday! I think that will be a great way to help me feel better. I have a big list of things we can do, but I'll decide for sure once she gets here and I can see how busy she wants to stay during her visit ;) She was supposed to come visit last fall, but her dad got very sick and was hospitalized, so she (understandingly) canceled the trip. I'm glad she was able to reschedule! I'm excited for Jerry to meet her.

Eli and I went to PetSmart a few days ago, and he asked if we could buy this little hideout bed for Monica. It was more than half-off, so I said sure. On the way home, I asked him which cat he thought would like it the most, and he said, "Phoebe. No, Monica. No, Estelle!" Then he said, "I feel bad for Chandler, because he's too big to fit into anything that's for cats." Chandler thinks he's much smaller than he is, though, so I wouldn't put it past him to try and squeeze in.

Later that day, I walked into the living room to see this:

I called Eli in there to show him that Chandler is ambitious, if nothing else!

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A Cat-Lovers Giveaway!

Disclosure: This giveaway is sponsored by Muse cat food, a Purina brand.

Last month, on Father's Day, Jerry and I took the kids out for the day and attended an event in the parking lot of a pet store. The event was sponsored by Purina's Muse cat food--it was a "cat inspired spa tour", with offerings like "caticures", "meowssages", and temporary "cattoos". Meanwhile, there were some adoptable cats there who were looking for homes.

My family had a lot of fun! Even the kids got their nails done, and Noah got a massage.

They were mostly interested in playing with the cats, though. All four of us instantly became attached to a long-haired tortoiseshell kitty named Olivia. My kids begged to adopt her, but with three other cats (and a dog) at home, I had to think practically.

In the end, the kids ended up talking me into applying to foster her. That way, we could see how she worked out with the other pets. It only took a couple of days to get the paperwork sorted, and then we made the drive to the shelter to pick her up. (She was an "office cat"--living in the office at the All About Animals Rescue shelter. The employees adored her, and were sorry to see her go, but happy she'd have a home.)

Olivia (whom we've started calling "Monica") has been an angel of a cat! She is fantastic. It took a few weeks for her to get used to the other pets, but she's made herself at home. Even grumpy old Estelle has been tolerant of having another kitty around ;) And Monica has Joey wrapped around her poufy tail.

Anyway, all of this is to introduce Muse Natural Cat Food. When we went to the adoption event, Muse sent us home with some samples. And recently, they sent me a box of some fun cat-lover items as well as some more food samples! (With four cats, samples are very much appreciated, haha). To share the wealth, they offered up a box of the same items for one of my cat-loving readers as well :)

Almost as soon as I opened the box, my kids were digging though and pulling stuff out, so I didn't get a good picture of everything. Here is the best I could do after-the-fact:

Included in the giveaway are:

• A Muse tote bag
• A rolling pin with tons of cat shapes on it (I haven't used this yet, but I'm dying to see if the cats will imprint on the dough)
• A food dish
• A bottle of nail polish and a whiskers tattoo
• A coupon for a free bag of Muse dry cat food (up to $20.99 value)
• Four samples of Muse wet cat food
• Some cat toys (my cats LOVED the cat nip "tea" bags)
• A cat-themed coffee mug (unfortunately, mine arrived broken; but I let Purina know, so that hopefully they can carefully package the giveaway box so it doesn't happen again)

Fun, right?! I'm not really sure how to "review" a cat food, since I can't really imagine tasting it myself (although, when I toured Purina's headquarters, I was told that it's safe for humans to eat--and there are actually employees who TASTE IT to make sure it tastes good! I don't think you could pay me enough money to have that job.) Anyway, my cats seem to love it (I really should get a video when I open a can of wet food--all the pets go nuts when they hear and smell it!)

The giveaway is open to anyone in the United States. To enter, just fill out the form below. One entry per person, please. Duplicates will be deleted. I will randomly select a winner on Friday, July 29th at 2:00 pm ET.

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All about fueling during runs

I've been asked several times about fueling for running, but it's not a topic that I'm super interested in, so I've never written much about it. You would think that considering fuel = food, I would LOVE this topic ;) But unfortunately, I've always had a bit of a negative viewpoint on "fuel" during runs, because I like to save my calories for post-run food!

Regardless, fueling for running is a rather important topic. There are no hard and fast "rules" to follow when it comes to eating before/during/after your run--if you read 20 different articles on the topic, you will likely get 20 different strategies. The best way to fuel, in my opinion, is however works for you ;)

Yes, that's a cop-out answer, so I'll write some of the common fuel types and methods here, just in case you really have no idea where to start.

When I first started running, I always liked to run first thing in the morning, and I would sit down to enjoy breakfast later--so I was running in a fasted state. I did this simply because it was comfortable for me. When I started getting into longer distances, during marathon training, I started to eat breakfast before my runs. My body got very used to that, and now I almost always eat first and run later.

There are a lot of articles out there about the benefits of running in a fasted state (to burn fat for fuel, rather than carbs); but there are also lots of articles claiming you should do the opposite. My take on it: Try both, and note how you feel during your runs. Then, do what made you feel best! Some of us do better when we eat beforehand, and some of us do better when we haven't eaten all night long. (Evening runners, of course, will have to eat before running.)

I will say that eating a large or heavy meal almost always feels terrible during a run. If you're going to be eating something heavy, I would wait until after the run; otherwise, you may get some serious tummy issues.

As far as what to eat before a run: Again, experiment with your favorite foods and see what makes you feel good. In general, lighter meals are best. Nothing with too much fiber--the fiber can give you stomach problems. Some runner favorites: oatmeal, bananas, toast with peanut butter, hot or cold cereal, etc. Basically, easy-to-digest carbs are great for fueling. I love Larabars with peanut butter, because they are very small (I don't like feeling full during a run) but they have a considerable amount of calories for their size (about 200-230 per bar, not including the peanut butter I spread on them).

Fueling during a run

Once your mileage starts getting up there, where you're running for an hour or more, you may want to consider carrying fuel with you during your runs. There are a ton of products out there that are marketed for runners, but you don't have to use them--you can use whatever floats your boat! Again, easy-to-digest carbs are great--especially when you're running. It's hard to digest protein and fat when you're running, and it takes a longer amount of time to get the energy from those nutrients. The carbs are used pretty quickly, which is why they are preferable.

Here are a few common products that are marketed for runners (or cyclists) for fueling during a run:

Gu (or other "energy gel" packets): Gel packets are literally a small (one ounce) packet of a gooey-textured simple carb. I happen to love the chocolate one (it has the taste and texture of chocolate frosting) and the peanut butter one (tastes like VERY sweet peanut butter). There are a ton of flavors, but in general, they have about 100 calories per packet, and contain other minerals and electrolytes. Here is a nutrition label for the Chocolate Outrage Gu packet:

Now, the directions on the packet indicate to have one Gu every 30-45 minutes of running. In my own experience, that is way too much Gu for my stomach to handle. I can have two per race, maximum, before I wind up spending five minutes in a porta-potty. Some people have no problems with the Gu, though, so again--you need to experiment with it to find out. (By the way, race day is a bad time to experiment! Do it in training.)

(Other popular brands of energy gels: Clif Shot, Honey Stinger, Hammer, Power Bar, Huma)

Shot Bloks (or electrolyte chews): These are my personal favorite fuel of choice. These are like large square gummy bears. I LOVE the margarita flavored ones, Shot Bloks which have extra sodium, too. Shot Bloks essentially do the same thing as the Gu (simple carbs with electrolytes); they are just in a different form. My stomach tolerates these very well!

Three Bloks are the equivalent of one Gu packet, and the Bloks come packaged in groups of six. One of the benefits to these over a gel is that you don't have to have the whole serving at one time (I suppose you could only eat half of a gel, but the leftovers would be sticky and gross to carry around). I like to eat one Shot Blok every mile or two rather than eating three of them at once.

(Other popular brands of electrolyte chews: Gu Chomps, Honey Stinger, Power Bar Energy Blasts)

Sport Beans: These are made by Jelly Belly, and are literally little jelly beans (that apparently taste a little saltier, because of the added electrolytes). I've never actually tried these, because they seem rather inconvenient to me (it's hard enough to pop ONE chew in my mouth while running, so I can't imagine a handful of jelly beans). But they are another popular option to try.

Gatorade (or other electrolyte drinks): Again, these are essentially the same as the above products, just in liquid form. The electrolyte drinks have sugar for energy and added electrolytes. As a bonus, they also include water (when taking the above products, you have to drink water with them). If it was more convenient to carry, I would probably use Gatorade exclusively for long runs--but I don't like to put it in my Camelbak. However, during races that offer it, I typically will drink Gatorade throughout the entire race, and carry no fuel.

Important: You don't want to chase your solid fuel with an electrolyte drink--having BOTH at the same time will probably upset your stomach! You can alternate every 30 minutes or so (have a gel, then Gatorade 30 minutes after that, then gel again, etc.) if you'd like.

It's also important to time your solid fuel for when you'll have water available to chase it. If I'm using Gu, for example, during a race, I will look up where the water stations are on the race map beforehand. Then, when I know a water station is getting close, I'll go ahead and eat my Gu so that I can chase it with some water from the water station.

Some natural fuel options: Some people like to make their own gels, drinks, or bars to make them more natural than the products above. I've carried dates before, which worked out well, but I've never tried making the recipes for other options. You can Google recipes--there are a ton out there! You also don't have to limit yourself to these forms of fuel--you could carry candy, fruit, cookies, dry cereal, homemade energy bites, or anything else that gives you the energy you need. When running for a long time, though, you just want to make sure that you're getting enough electrolytes.

To put it all in a nutshell: If you're going to be running for a while (an hour or more, generally), then you need to ingest something with calories to give you energy--it can be whatever form you'd like that works for you. A general rule of thumb is to have 30-60 grams of carbohydrates for every hour of exercise. This varies by person, so like I always say, it's best to experiment to find what works best for you.

Post-run refueling

This is something I've read very little about, so I won't get into much detail. I just listen to my body--a lot of times, my stomach is upset after a very long or difficult run, so I really don't want to eat afterward. If I'm hungry, I eat what I'm craving, because I believe my body knows what it needs. If you're concerned about weight, then it's important not to overestimate how many calories you burned during your run. It's easy to justify pigging out after you've run 20 miles, but the truth is, you probably only burned around 2,000 calories on that run.

... and that's all I've got! :) Hopefully this will be helpful if you're new to fueling during your runs. When it comes to fueling, there really aren't any set "rules" that apply to all of us--we just need to experiment and listen to our bodies, and do what works best for us as individuals. Good luck!

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New therapist and new running goals

Today was my first appointment with my new therapist. It took a while to get in to see her, but she was highly recommended by a friend of mine, so I waited almost two weeks for the appointment. I was a little nervous to go, but nothing like I was for my first appointment with my previous therapist. Having already been through it, I knew what to expect.

I immediately liked her. (We'll call her "C" on my blog; I'll refer to my previous therapist as "N"). When I was seeing N, I always felt pretty awkward--she was VERY stoic, never showing any emotion at all--and I assumed this was just how all therapists were. It felt awkward if I would joke about something, and she didn't laugh or smile.

She also liked what I call the "awkward silence technique"--not talking at all until someone feels so awkward that they break the silence. It's very effective--and even knowing that it's a common technique to get someone talking, I still almost always caved in and filled the silence (ironically, the silences caused me a lot of anxiety regarding my appointments with N--and I was seeing her to help with anxiety, haha).

It got to the point where I was dreading my appointments. I just didn't feel like I was getting anywhere in therapy, even though I did learn a lot about myself. I don't think that seeing her was wasted time at all, but I found myself dreading my appointments so much that I finally "broke up with" N. At my friend's recommendation, I made an appointment with C.

What a huge difference! C smiled when she introduced herself, and I immediately felt comfortable. I loved that she smiled and laughed when appropriate, and sympathized at other times--I felt much more comfortable with someone who showed some emotion. I don't think that N's approach was "wrong" in any way--she's very knowledgable at what she does--but our personalities definitely clashed.

C asked me questions about what was going on with me and got some background information. There were no awkward silences, which was a relief. She was very compassionate and understanding, and best of all, she gave me hope that she can help me manage or overcome my depression and anxiety. The hour-long appointment flew by, and I scheduled a few more appointments (her schedule fills up very quickly). I'm actually really looking forward to my next appointment! I'm so glad that I didn't give up on therapy altogether. Like my friend told me, finding a therapist is like dating--you have to go on several first dates until you find one that you mesh with.

We're having a bit of a heat wave in Michigan right now. As I type this post, the dew point is 80 degrees! Just walking outside to let Joey go to the bathroom made me get all sticky. I wish it would thunderstorm, because we really need the rain right now, but so far we haven't had the storm.

I've been trying to think of some running goals to aim for this fall, and there are so many possibilities! A few ideas:

• A sub-1:50 half-marathon (something I've been thinking about for three years)
• A sub-23:00 5K (a 7:23/mile pace! crazy)
• No time goal, but just train to finish a half and run it for fun
• Continue to heart rate train, and see if I can get my "easy pace" lower
• Run an ultramarathon (haha, just kidding!)

When I was training for my recent 10K PR, I was loosely following a schedule on RunBritain.com, and I really liked it. It was different from any other plan I'd followed before, and it worked really well. RunBritain has a plan for a half-marathon (for a 1:35 finish--haha!). I could modify that a little, and use that to try and train for a 1:50 half-marathon. Then again, though, I loved training for a shorter distance, and I think doing 5K-specific training might be fun. 

Right now, I'm leaning toward a hard 5K. Then, if I decide I want to run a half-marathon, I could always do that as part of training and just run it very easy (it wouldn't be until November, and I have no idea how I'm going to be feeling then). It feels kind of exciting to think about running goals again!

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Week 49 Weigh-in

Week 49? When did that happen?!

I can't believe it's almost been a whole year since I started calorie counting. A year ago, I was around 160 pounds and dealing with a frustrating stress fracture of my fibula. Since then, I dropped down to my lowest weight ever (my lowest recorded weight is 121.5 on March 1st of this year); trained the hardest I've ever trained and crushed my 10K goal; felt the happiest I'd been in a long time this spring; then crashed and dealt with post-race, post-goal-weight emotions that I wasn't expecting. It's been a whirlwind of a year (well, 49 weeks, anyway).

Right now, I'm still trying to find that balance--not the super-focused, determined-to-crush-all-goals, me that I was in the early spring; but also not the lost, unmotivated me I've become recently. It's hard to find a nice, happy, medium! But, I will keep trying until I find her.

My Wednesday Weigh-in this week:

 I've been hovering right around my goal weight. Considering I've been super emotional lately, I am very happy with that ;)

I came across a post yesterday that seemed like it was written just for me, in this very moment in time. It's called "What I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Losing a Lot of Weight", by Nick Eckhart. I could really relate to a LOT of what he'd written, and I felt much less alone. One thing that stood out above all else for me was this:

"When my goals were superficial or external, I lived in a perpetual state of disappointment. It was mentally exhausting, and my happiness was wrapped up in trying to achieve that elusive “after picture.” I didn’t take time to celebrate any of my achievements and instead continued to focus on what I wasn’t accomplishing.

I’ve since developed self-compassion and have embraced being imperfect (a.k.a. human). Find out what makes you feel good and celebrate those things now instead of focusing on what you don’t have or what you’re doing wrong."

 I let that sink in for a moment, as I read, and then I re-read it several times: "I didn't take time to celebrate any of my achievements and instead continued to focus on what I wasn't accomplishing." Wow. That's pretty much what I've been doing since I started losing the weight seven years ago! I'm always focused on what's ahead, and I rarely celebrate the here and now.

And one more quote, which really sums up how I feel having been so public with my weight loss (as a blogger):

"When I lost weight, my value was reinforced through the attention I got. I still worry that if I were to gain weight I would lose my value, disappointing myself and everyone around me. The problem with this thinking is while a healthy lifestyle is a part of my life, it’s not who I am."

I never really stopped to think of it like that, but it's true--every time I received a compliment on my weight loss, that compliment was reinforcing that I was more valued at a lower weight. Also true: I do worry that if I was to gain weight, I would lose my value and disappoint everyone. It makes me wonder how many people who have lost a significant amount of weight feel that way?

Something that I've been stressed over lately is that my weight is no longer at my lowest point--after my 10K, I gained 10 pounds--which actually put me back at my goal weight. Setting everything else aside, if I stop and ask myself, way deep down, "Are you happy at this weight?" The answer is yes. I am not my thinnest, but I feel really good at this weight, and like it said in the article, "it's a part of my life, it's not who I am". Nobody made me feel devalued, and most people have been nothing but helpful and encouraging; but I think I naturally felt that way because my weight was no longer at it's lowest point.

Reading that article made me take a step back and detach myself from that part of my lifestyle--looking at myself as just ME, who I am, right at this moment. Not as a "weight loss success story" or a "runner" or anything else--just ME. In general, I am happy with who I am. I have faults, just like anyone else, and I have goals of things I'd like to improve; but in general, I am happy with the person I am right now.

The biggest takeaway from this article, for me, is that my value has NOTHING to do with my weight. I know people say that all the time, but it never really sank in for me. My thoughts and ideas are the same, regardless of what my weight is at this moment.

On the flip side, if I was to gain back ALL the weight I lost, I wouldn't be the same person. I wouldn't be able to run a sub-50 10K. Hell, I wouldn't even be able to bend over and tie my shoes without getting out of breath! I wouldn't be able to run races with my kids, or be a very active parent (as evidenced from my past). And because of those things, I wouldn't be happy. In that way, I do feel my weight plays a part of who I am--to an extent. But for now, I'm healthy and I'm happy with how I look and feel; and unfortunately, I haven't really taken the time to stop and think about that over the past few months. Reading that article was very enlightening for me!

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