Getting back to normal

Being sick sucks! I've been SO congested for a few days, and it's thrown off my routine. Usually, I'll run even when I'm sick, but this cold has really knocked me down. I haven't run since Tuesday. Wednesday was a rest day, but I skipped Thursday and Friday because I was just too sick. I woke up feeling a little better today, but I'm not sure yet if I'm going to run. Another rest day wouldn't hurt, considering I have a half-marathon tomorrow and Ragnar on Friday!

Tonight is Mark's memorial service. His nephew had him cremated, and they're having a very short visitation and service tonight. My parents, Jerry, the kids, and me are all going up there together. I made a few picture boards out of all the pictures I have of Mark, because I don't think his nephew has many pictures.

My Ragnar SoCal team had the idea to make Mark an honorary 13th member of our team. I found a slap bracelet in the shape of a mustache (Mark's signature mustache!) and I'll write his name on it. Then we'll pass the bracelet from runner to runner along the entire course from Huntington Beach to San Diego. They actually came up with this idea before Mark passed away, but I didn't have a chance to tell Mark yet. Mark was excited for my trip, so I love the idea of making him an honorary teammate.

These are the magnets that we ordered to "tag" other vans with. Dean made our logo, which I think looks awesome!

It's so hard to believe that I'll be almost DONE with Ragnar a week from now. Our start time is 5:00 AM on Friday.

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I finally got my preordered book, Hansons Half Marathon Method, from Amazon. After reading (and loving) Hansons Marathon Method, I was really excited for this book to be released. I don't have plans of doing another full, but I would like to use their method for half marathons.

Since I've been so sick, I've done quite a bit of laying around, and it was perfect timing to get my book in the mail. Once I started reading, however, I was really disappointed! The book is nearly identical, word-for-word, to the Hansons Marathon Method. "Marathon" was replaced with "half marathon" throughout the book, and the training plan is obviously slightly different; but the training plan can be found online.

So, if you already have Hansons Marathon Method, don't waste your money on this book! But if you don't have either book, I highly recommend reading it (either one). Their training plans are unique and very effective. I wrote my thoughts about it here, after using it for the Chicago Marathon.

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I wish I had more to write about, but I've been so sick that I haven't done much of anything the past couple of days. I've been doing well with Weight Watchers. Even with all the emotion and stress surrounding Mark's death, I've only had two bad days out of the past couple of weeks. Jerry and I did our week without alcohol, as part of a challenge in our meeting. One of the other challenges was a week without sweets, and I don't know if I'm even going to attempt that one! Maybe when I get back from San Diego I'll give it a try.

Jerry's back on his regular work shift, so he won't be working nearly as much as he has been the past few months--I'm so glad! He was working on a special project, and that's done now. So when I get back from San Diego, things should be much less stressful and I can get back to a routine. I almost forget what that's like! ;)

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Weight Loss Success Story: How Hilary Lost 64 Pounds!

I had a tough day yesterday, because I went through all of Mark's photos and scanned them into the computer. His family asked me if I had any pictures of him, and I offered to make a photo board for his memorial tomorrow.

With all that has been going on with Mark, the time has been flying by for me. I leave for San Diego in less than a week! I still have a couple of teammates I'd like to introduce before I leave, so I'll share Hilary's story today.

Hilary has overcome quite a bit to get where she is today. I'm looking forward to meeting her in person in just six more days!

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Hello! I am Runner #5 for Ragnar SoCal, and my name is Hilary. I currently run on the sunny Central Coast of California. Being a runner was something I never thought I would do. Sharing my story is a little out of my comfort zone, because I tend to be fairly private with people I don't know, but I am learning that living within your comfort zone can be a little boring. So here's my story--enjoy!

I topped the scale at 240 pounds in my late teens. Many factors were involved with "how I got there"--depression, anxiety, a knee injury which put me onto crutches for months--but there I was.  I did manage to lose the weight in my early twenties. Unfortunately it was through non-healthy, restrictive and unsustainable ways.

On my thirtieth birthday, I was once again weighing in at over 200 pounds--214 to be exact! I knew I had to lose the weight, so I tried the HCG diet. I lost weight quickly, but the highly restrictive menu was not good for me. I felt deprived, sluggish, and very nervous about how it would affect me emotionally and mentally due to my previous history of restricting what I ate. The second I stopped the diet, I gained back the weight--easy to do when you have been eating roughly 500 calories a day! I was back to needing to lose weight. 

The biggest change for me this time was a mindset change. I wasn't going on a diet to lose weight; I was going to get healthy. I quit smoking. I started Weight Watchers as a way to monitor my eating. I loved that I could eat anything I wanted; I just had to do it in moderation. 

I also learned a lot about my eating, including the fact that I was drinking a ton of calories every day! Numerous cups of coffee with flavored creamer, sodas, juice, etc. I cut down to one cup of coffee a day with fat free half and half and brown sugar. I know that every day, the coffee will be a part of my WW points and it's worth it to me. For a solid 6 months I recorded everything I ate--EVERYTHING--and used all my daily points, weekly points and activity points. I didn't go over my points, though. I found what worked for me.

I also started running by using the Couch To 5K program. God--in the beginning, it sucked! But it started sucking less. Soon I was running 10 minute stretches, then 20, then the 35 minutes at the end of week 8, day 3! I didn't run an actual 5k that day--hell no, my pace was too slow. But, I ran for over half an hour without stopping and without dying!

I started running more and farther, and slowly became faster. My first 5k was 46:06 and I felt awesome! I then trained for my first half marathon which ended horribly. I limped the last 5 miles, past my own front door TWICE, but I finished it. I had not trained appropriately, had jumped in too fast and too soon, and my awesome shoes that I bought off the rack were not right for me. I went to the doc the next day, was diagnosed with severe tendonitis and placed in a walking boot for 2 months. 

I could have stopped running then and there. I thought I was not "meant" to be a running, but I went back to running once I was cleared by the doc and PT. The injury taught me a lot. Having your running analyzed for the right shoes is very important. I also learned a lot about stretching, foam rolling and body weight strength training for my legs. I jumped back in with two feet, trained my butt of and complete my second half marathon six months later--bettering my time by an hour!

Running has not been easy for me, but it has been worth it! It would have been easy to quit before it got good and I'm glad I didn't. I've learned that after running a half marathon, my stomach can hate me. I've been heard saying "I used to have pretty feet" more then once.  I've learned that no matter what I do I will never get rid of my running shorts tan lines! But the doors running has opened have been amazing.

I have started swimming again for the first time in my adult life, I have taken yoga and Pilates classes, I have zip lined through jungles, and I have found a love of trail running! I hit my goal weight of 160 just before I turned 32, and have maintained for four months so far. I know that maintenance will be the hardest part, but I have a good feeling that this change in mindset will help with that.  I am also so glad to have found 11 strangers to run across Southern California with and cannot wait to share a lifetime of running journeys with!

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Hilary has just started a blog of her own. You can follow along at The Simply Imperfect Homemaker. 

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Gratitude

First, I want to thank you all so much for all of your kind words about Mark and my family yesterday. My mom and I were in total disbelief at all of the nice comments.

Mark's actual death hasn't been as hard on me as when I learned he was dying. I feel like I really mourned and grieved for him a week ago, when he got to go home and then wasn't able to get out of bed. That was when I realized that the treatments hadn't given him much extra time. As awful as it sounds, I am glad that he passed away quickly once he went downhill. I would have hated for him to suffer for weeks, because I've heard that lung cancer is very painful in the end. I'm glad that he's at peace now.

Yesterday, I went to the nursing home to bring is occupational therapists a thank you card. I got Tiffany a Tim Horton's gift card, because she used to stop there and get coffee for herself and Mark in the mornings sometimes, since he was her first patient. She worked so hard with him to get him ready to go home, and without her, Mark probably would have died in a hospital setting.

My older brother, Brian, and his fiancé, Becky, came in from Minnesota yesterday. Brian had been wanting to come visit Mark, and we had plans of going for a visit yesterday when I picked them up from the airport; but then we learned that Mark died just after midnight yesterday. Brian and Becky decided to still come out here, so I picked them up from the airport after I left the nursing home.

It was nice seeing them, and we picked the kids up from school to take them bowling. My parents, Brian, Becky, my younger brother Nathan, Jerry, Noah, Eli, and I all went. I didn't bowl, because I was feeling really sick. I had a bad headache and I was really congested. But was fun to watch everyone else, and my mom brought her iPad along so we could read all the comments about Mark on my blog and on Facebook.

I was so excited when I read a comment from Kimberly, about her random act of kindness yesterday in Mark's honor:

Mark would have loved that idea! :)

Even with the news about Mark, I decided to still go to my Weight Watchers meeting yesterday morning. Jerry is back to swing shift, so he went with me, too. Glenda, my leader, is so nice! She sent me a nice card in the mail during the week congratulating me on the Runner's World and Woman's World articles. And at the meeting yesterday, she gave me this:

It was definitely not necessary, but VERY thoughtful! I really look forward to going to my meetings each week now. Even when I get back to a free Lifetime membership, when I'm only required to go once a month, I'd like to continue to go every week.

Yesterday was a busy day, but by the time I got home last night, my headache and congestion were awful. I couldn't sleep much at all during the night, and I actually woke up with a fever. I haven't felt this sick in a long time! I'm going to rest all day today, with tea and Lifetime movies to keep me company. Jerry has the same symptoms, but just a day or two ahead of mine. He's feeling a lot better today, so I hope that this doesn't last long. I leave for San Diego in a week!

I have a busy weekend--Mark's memorial service is on Saturday, and my friend Audrey is going to be running her first half-marathon on Sunday, the Rock CF half that I did a couple of years ago. When I learned she was going to run alone, I offered to run it with her. So I registered for the race, and I'm just hoping that I'm feeling a lot better by then!

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Home Home

It is with a very heavy heart that I let you all know that Mark went "home home" last night (when he was in the hospital, he referred to Heaven as "home home"). I'm not really sure what to write here, because I feel like I've already shared it all.

Before Mark got sick, I only saw him a couple of times a year, when my dad would pick him up to go fishing or when we celebrated his birthday on Halloween. When I learned he had Stage 4 lung cancer, I was shocked. I went to the hospital for a visit, and after spending that afternoon with Mark, I was hooked on him!

All of my stupid little problems and worries of day-to-day life seemed to disappear when I was chatting with Mark. I always left feeling excited to see him again, because he had this way of making me feel so happy! With each visit, I really started to know Mark more and more. I wished that I'd visited him in the group home the way that I was visiting him in the hospital (and then nursing home). I wished that I'd have more time to spend with him.

Mark's attitude could reel anybody in. The nursing staff and doctors all fell in love with him from the first day he was admitted. How could they not, when he actually thanked them for giving him another injection or gross-tasting hospital food? He was so grateful to everyone that popped into his room, and he made sure to let them know it. He loved to share his candy with anyone that came in to see him.

Mark really wanted to fight this cancer, but he also knew that he may be going "home home" soon. He made it his mission to go home, back to his group home that he's known for over 35 years, and he did everything the nursing staff and therapists asked of him in order to get his wish. He did radiation treatments, chemo treatments, and physical and occupational therapy day after day in order to get well enough to go home.

And he did it! First, we brought him home for a day in order to let Mark throw a party for the other residents in the group home. He had gotten some money from his cards, and he wanted to spend it on a pizza and cake party for his friends. He had a great time, and I'm so happy that we were able to make that happen for him.

And after his treatments were done, he was finally discharged to go home. Once he got there, he was very content and happy to see his friends (who were like family to him), and to sleep in his own bed (he hated the hospital beds). I am grateful and happy that I got to spend a few minutes alone with him to say anything I'd like to say, knowing that his cancer had taken a turn for the worse.

Even though I've only truly gotten to know Mark over the last four months, his death is devastating to me. I wish that I had done more with him, and I wish that I could have done more for him in the end. But I think that Mark felt very loved over the last few months. He told everyone he came in contact with, "I have SO MANY people that care about me!" as he pointed to all of his cards.

I want to say a very heartfelt THANK YOU to all of you who sent him a card, gift, well-wish, prayer, or positive thought. The one positive thing to come out of Mark's illness and passing away is that he touched literally thousands of lives in one way or another. He was the most selfless person I've ever known, and he loved to do things for others.

In honor of Mark, and his loving and generous attitude, I want to ask all of you to do one last thing for him: Do a random act of kindness for somebody else. It doesn't have to cost any money (Mark didn't have any money, but he was always looking for ways to help people), or be anything extravagant; but I ask that you actively seek out a way to do something kind for someone else today (or whenever you can).

If you are unsure of what to do, I'd like to suggest visiting a nursing home. Mark spent a couple of months at a nursing home, and I was so sad for all of the people there who didn't get any visitors. Mark's room was decorated with cards, but most of the people there didn't have anything to show they are being thought about. You can really brighten someone's day by bringing them flowers, or a card, or to go and chat for a little while. Or bring them a strawberry milkshake--that's what Mark would probably suggest :)

If you care to, I'd love for you to post a comment here to share the random act of kindness that you did. Let's see just how many lives Mark can touch, even now that he is Home Home!

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A day off

Yesterday was a busy morning. I got up at 5:00 and prepared the whole Motivational Monday post by 7:15. Usually I get the kids up at 7:00, so it was a little hectic getting them ready a little late, but it ended up working out well. My mom came over to take the kids to the bus stop so that I could get a head start on my run.

I ran five miles at an easy pace. The past few runs, I've gone a different route, one that takes me down by the lake. Even though it's late-March, the lake is still pretty frozen, and there are HUGE piles of ice on the lake. This has happened in front of my parents' house before, and it's so pretty! The water just keeps piling up and freezing, forming these enormous piles. I tried to get a picture on my run, but unless I went into someone's yard, I couldn't get very close.

It seems I deleted my pictures from my run--bummer!--so I had to steal this collage from my Instagram. This was from my long run on Sunday. I ran 10 freezing cold miles, and then warmed up with Panera's tomato soup.

Anyway, yesterday, I wore my Garmin but I set it to display just the time of day, because I didn't want to get discouraged by my pace that seems to be getting slower by the minute. When I checked out my splits later, I was a little amazed to see how consistent they were.

My body always knows when I'm close to home, because I tend to pick up the pace a little ;)

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After my run, I had a quick breakfast and shower, then went to pick up my mom so we could go visit Mark. When I got there, my dad decided to go, too, and we waited a little bit for him to get ready. Then he ended up driving, which I was glad for later. We had to drive down Gratiot Ave. in Detroit. I don't go to/through Detroit much, but I saw the really bad parts of the city on our drive yesterday. It was kind of interesting to see, though.

Mark's nephew's house is just outside of Detroit. After the drive yesterday, I don't think I'd really feel comfortable driving there by myself--which is unfortunate, because I won't be able to visit Mark as often as I'd like. Anyway, Mark was in his wheelchair in front of the TV in the living room when we got there. He was awake and tried to get up when he heard us come in. So it was good to see that he seems to be doing better (physically) since the last time I saw him!

You could tell he wanted to chat with us, but it's hard for him to form his thoughts into words, which I think is because of the cancer in his brain. Mark doesn't really like to watch TV, so I felt kind of bad that he was sitting there. I would have loved to bundle him up and take him outside in his wheelchair for a walk, but when Mark asked to go outside, they told him it was too cold.

Mark's physical needs are being well taken care of, though, so I'm grateful for that. I was sitting on the couch right next to his wheelchair, and several times while we were there, he reached out his arm to hug me. He even told me while he hugged me, "I miss you. I miss you a lot." That was the only time that I really couldn't help but cry. There is just so much that I want to do for him, but can't. 

When it was time to go, we took Mark into his bedroom and got him comfortable in his bed for a nap.  I gave him another hug, and told him I'd see him soon. I wish that the visit made me feel better, but I felt worse after leaving. I do plan to go back, though, for Mark.

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Jerry is off work today, and I am SO excited! I know that sounds kind of ridiculous to get so excited over, but over the past three months, he's only had (I think) three days off work. He's finally going back to his regular schedule, and I couldn't be more relieved. It's been really hard doing everything without him--taking care of the kids, doing stuff around the house, dealing with all that's happening with Mark.

Today, after we get the kids off to school, we're going to run a few errands, then go to lunch, and then to a movie. There are two movies I want to see right now: Divergent and God's Not Dead. I'm not sure which one we'll see yet. Our movie theater just got new seats--recliners, La-Z-Boy-style. I'm excited to try them out. But mostly, I'm excited to spend some quality time with Jerry today!

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Motivational Monday #57

Happy Motivational Monday! I had a whole bunch of MM submission left from last week, so I decided to prepare this post to go live this morning, rather than tonight. I'm not sure if I'll continue morning posts, but right now I like it. Anyway, I hope everyone has had a great week!

I've had one of the toughest weeks of my life, at least emotionally. I'm really sad that Mark's cancer is in the final stages, and that's all I've really thought about this week. My mom and I are going to visit him today, which is another reason I wanted to get this post up this morning. I probably won't be home until it's time for my kids to get home from school.

For Motivational Monday, I am proud to say that even though I have wanted to binge several times this week, mostly out of emotional eating, I only acted on it once. I really don't want to let all that's happening with Mark become an excuse to stop taking care of myself, because I know Mark wouldn't want that! So I'm taking it a day (and moment) at a time, doing my very best.

This is a very long MM post, so I have to use a page break. Sorry, but if you're reading this in a reader, you'll have to click through to read the whole post. I discovered that when my posts are too long, or have a ton of pictures, it messes up the feed. So this post will be truncated to avoid any issues. But there is a TON of motivation to be found in these stories... enjoy!

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Meg signed up for her first spring half-marathon EVER, and unfortunately, many of us have had a terrible training winter! She's been steadily training through winter, and has done 90% of her runs outdoors (she lives in Michigan, too, so I know how tough that must have been!). She's proud that she hasn't used the weather as an excuse, and she's looking forward to running her first half--the Cocoa Classic in Detroit next month! (Meg's blog)

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Charlotte and some friends just ran their first 5K, and were very proud to say that they all beat the goals they'd set for themselves! They were thrilled with their finish times: Herb- 31:40, Chris- 38:21, Adam- 24:31, Charlotte- 39:06, and Emily- 38:07. Chris has lost over 20 pounds, and Charlotte has lost 20 pounds!

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Becca weighed 250 pounds when she graduated from high school; she decided to stop worrying about weight, and start thinking of her health. Gradually, over the last 20 years, she's been implementing positive, healthy changes, and is 60 pounds lighter. She does some running, and has completed 5K races with her mom; but she discovered that her true love and passion is for yoga. She loved it so much she decided to get certified to teach! She just completed her 200-hour teacher training certification. (There is a 20-year difference in the photos--is it just me, or does she not look a day older?!)

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Summer clothes

I really liked writing a post in the morning yesterday, and here I am today, unable to sleep, so I'm writing again. I think I may start posting in the mornings from now on, before the stress of my day starts. But I'll see how it goes.

I really need to write about something other than Mark today. I don't have anything in mind, but Mark has been consuming my thoughts every hour of the day, and it's weighing heavily on me. But first, let me share a brief update: My parents went to the group home before Mark left yesterday. I was torn about whether to go or not; I felt really good about the last conversation I had with Mark, and didn't want to mess with that. I ended up not going, but my mom told me how things went.

My dad with Mark, just before Mark left

I didn't write my feelings about Mark's nephew ("D") before, because I really wanted to keep everything about Mark (and I still do). But I was bitter--it bothered me that he never visited Mark, and then wanted to take Mark home all of a sudden. He hasn't been the most likable person over the last few months. Anyway, my mom said after seeing D when he went to pick up Mark, she felt very good about Mark going home with him.

D had been up all night getting a room ready for Mark--painting, moving furniture, etc. He is friends and neighbors with a certified hospice nurse, so she is going to be Mark's primary caregiver. My mom said that Mark was happy to see D (he hadn't seen him since December, I believe). D told my mom we can come over any time we want, even if it's every single day (the downside is that he lives an hour away).

Mark seemed happy to leave with D, who took him to his house in time for the hospice nurses to arrive and evaluate Mark and get his bed and everything set up. My mom called D last night to see how Mark was doing, and D was getting ready to give him dinner. He said Mark was awake, and let my mom talk to him. Mark spoke very clearly, and when my mom asked him how he liked his new house, he said he really liked it.

I planned to keep this very brief, and here I am rattling on :)  Anyway, I feel MUCH better about the situation after hearing the updates. My mom and I plan to go visit Mark tomorrow (Monday). I'm still hurting for the fact that Mark's time here is almost over, but the fears that I was imagining about him staying with his nephew are gone. I think that his nephew has truly decided to step up for Mark, and take good care of him.

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I went for a run yesterday morning, even though it was the last thing I felt like doing. It was before Mark had left with D, so I was worrying about that all morning. I was scheduled for six miles, but I'd run six the day before (when I was only scheduled for five), so I decided to run five. I just really wanted to avoid the awful wind blowing in from the north, because it gives me a headwind the entire second half of my out-and-back route.

I decided to run around the four neighborhoods surrounding me, which is a perfect five miles. I think this winter, I've forgotten how to dress for outdoor running. I was definitely too warm yesterday in a long-sleeved tech shirt, fleece jacket, Cold Gear tights, gloves, and ear warmer headband. The "real feel" temp was 30, so I thought that would work. But after last week's horribly cold long run, I didn't want to take any chances, so I definitely dressed too warm!

I couldn't believe how difficult it felt to run yesterday. I maintained about a 9:30/mi pace, which should have felt very easy. In the fall, I was regularly running 8-10 miles at an 8:45-ish pace. But yesterday, I was huffing and puffing though the entire run, which was kind of discouraging. I'm hoping once I get back to regularly running outside, I'll get my fitness back quickly.

Last night, I decided to get out my summer clothes to try on and see what I should pack for San Diego (less than two weeks away!). I'm not kidding myself into thinking I'm the same size as I was in the summer (or even in January), but I couldn't believe at how tight my clothes had gotten! My goal weight is 133, and I maintained that pretty much all of 2013 (it started creeping up in November, but it wasn't until February that I gained quite a bit). Anyway, at 146, that means I'm 13 pounds over my goal weight. Seven of those pounds came on since February.

When I was obese, 13 pounds wouldn't have made a bit of difference in my clothing. But now, 13 pounds can equal 1-2 clothing sizes! I can barely squeeze into my size 4 shorts that were actually pretty baggy in the summer. It was depressing to try it all on, but also very motivating. I honestly didn't realize that those 13 pounds would make such a big difference. I obviously don't have enough time to lose it all before I go to San Diego, but hopefully by summertime I can.

I wanted to binge SO BADLY yesterday... it was driving me crazy all day long. My parents had the kids pretty much all day, to give me some space to grieve over Mark. It was very helpful, but being home alone, feeling sad all day made it hard for me not to dive head-first into a pint of ice cream. I thought about it constantly--curling up on the couch under a blanket, watching a Lifetime movie, and eating ice cream--the whole cliche.

The thing that stopped me was that I tried swapping out the ice cream for a mug of tea in that same scenario--it's just as comforting and relaxing, but it wouldn't leave me feeling like crap. So that's what I did. And later, when Jerry was home, I wanted to binge after dinner, but he told me he'd give me a really good back massage. It felt awesome, and definitely made the craving bearable until we watched TV with the kids before bed. I had tea instead of wine in the evening, per the challenge by my WW leader, and I found that I really didn't miss the wine as long as I had something to sip.

I think I'm just going to have to take each day, and each craving, as it comes. Having to re-lose this 13 pounds is bad enough; I don't want to add to it. And I certainly don't want to use Mark's illness as an excuse to comfort myself with food--he would feel awful if he knew I was doing that.

This morning, I have my long run--10 miles. I'm considering doing it without my Garmin, but I don't know if I'll be able to do that ;)  It would be really nice to run as slowly as I want, with nothing to tell me how slowly I'm running; but I do like looking at all the fun data when I'm done!

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Heartbroken

Sorry for the lack of post yesterday. I had a really hard day, and I just didn't have the energy to write a post. I spent the entire day with Mark. My mom and I went to the group home at 9:00, because we knew the hospice nurse would be coming to evaluate him at 10:00, and we wanted to be there. Nothing went as we'd hoped.

Ever since December, when Mark was hospitalized and diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer, my parents really wanted to take him to their house under hospice care. Mark is very comfortable when he goes to their house, and he's spent a lot of time there over the years. Mark and my dad have been very good friends for 35 years, and when my dad mentioned to Mark about going home with him, Mark was thrilled.

Unfortunately, because Mark has a nephew, we don't have guardianship or durable power of attorney, so we can't make any medical decisions for Mark. When the hospice nurse evaluated Mark, we were hoping that she would find him competent enough to sign himself into hospice, and sign over durable power of attorney (decisions for medical care) to my dad. It was really hard having to explain to Mark that the treatments didn't work, and that he wasn't going to get better. When the nurse asked him where he wanted to go for the rest of his life, he told her several times that he wanted to go to my dad's house; but when she asked him what the date was, he thought it was 2007. She said he wasn't competent to sign, and because there was a living blood relative, Mark's nephew had to sign the papers.

They contacted Mark's nephew, and he did sign Mark into hospice (which we were grateful for), but he decided to take Mark to his house instead of letting us take care of him. Since we aren't blood relatives with Mark, there was nothing we could do to change it. So today at noon, Mark will be going to his nephew's house. His nephew said we can visit if we call first, but I didn't want to assume that would happen, so I acted as if yesterday was the last day I would see Mark.

Mark was very tired, and could hardly open his eyes all day. My mom and I sat with him for about eight hours, and he just wasn't very lucid when we tried to talk to him. He did sip some of the strawberry shake I brought him, and he took a few bites of broccoli cheddar soup (from Panera!). But mostly, he slept.

When it came time for us to leave, I had a heavy pit in my stomach, knowing it was likely the last time I'd see him. My mom asked if I wanted to spend a few minutes alone with him, and I said yes. It was the strangest thing--once we were alone, Mark opened his eyes, and really SAW me. He kept his eyes open while I told him everything I wanted to say. I could see that he actually heard me and understood. Those couple of minutes were the most lucid I've seen him recently, and I felt really good about leaving like that. The last thing he told me was, "I'll be okay". I needed to hear that, and I think he knew how much I needed to hear that.

I turned on his favorite Jackson Browne CD for him, and he kept his eyes open long enough for a picture :)

It's my hope, more than anything, that Mark's nephew really wants to take good care of Mark, and make his last days the best they can be. I want Mark to feel loved during the time he has left, and I hate feeling so powerless. I really hope that the hospice nurses make sure that he's getting the best care, too.

I'm just so sad right now. I've never felt this much grief before. I'm very lucky that nobody really close to me has ever died; but this is the first time I've ever really experienced this, and it's awful. I've spent the last four months seeing Mark a few times a week, and trying to make him as happy as possible, despite the cancer. He has made an enormous impact on my life, and I just wish that I could do more for him.

Again, I am sorry for such a downer of a post. I feel bad, because with the Runner's World and Woman's World articles out right now, I've gotten some new readers, but all I've written about this month is death and dying! On the bright side, I did manage to get out for a run yesterday evening. I ran six miles, even though I was completely drained, and I'm glad I did it. Mark was excited for me to go to San Diego and run with my Ragnar team, although I was prepared to cancel my trip to stay and take care of Mark; but now, I plan to go run because he would want me to.

I'm not sure how consistently I'll be posting for the next few days, but I want to say thank you all so much for your kind comments and emails. My mom and I were both very touched by how supportive you've been, now and for the last few months!

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New update on Mark

Today was a very rough, emotional day for me. I spent the morning procrastinating my run (per usual), and when I finally get dressed to run, my mom called. She told me that she got a call from "C" at Mark's group home, and it turns out that Mark isn't doing very well. His health went downhill very quickly once he was back home. C said that the doctor was going to go to the home to check on him, so I wanted to get there to hear what the doctor had to say.

I changed clothes as quickly as I could, and rushed out the door. When I got there, Mark was sleeping, so I talked to C for about an hour while we waited for the doctor to get there. She told me what was going on with Mark--he can't get up and walk, even with his walker, he's constantly sleeping, and he was having trouble swallowing. His memory seemed a little fuzzy, and some of the things he's said to her have been "off". 

I had attributed the sleepiness and lethargy to his pain medication; but C said that she had cut back on his pain meds, because she thought the same thing. His pain felt worse, but it didn't help with his lethargy or anything else. The only thing that I can think of is that Mark was SO determined to go home, and he worked really hard to be able to go home; and once he got there, maybe he just gave up. He's happy to be home, and now he can just relax. 

After talking to C for a while, we checked on Mark again, and he was awake. He looked SO tired and pale. He couldn't keep his eyes open long enough to really talk to me. He did say he was glad to see me, like always, and when I asked how he was feeling, he said, "Great". He's afraid to tell anyone when he doesn't feel well because he thinks he'll have to go back to the hospital.

The doctor came and checked him out, basically confirming what we already knew. He wrote prescriptions for the pain meds that Mark needs, but that was all he could really do. We need to hear from Mark's oncologist to know where the cancer stands, but in reality, there isn't anything else to do except make Mark comfortable. He called to have a hospice nurse go out and evaluate Mark, to see if he's ready for hospice (the nurse will estimate how long he has to live, and if it's less than six months, then he would qualify for hospice). The nurse should be going tomorrow, I hope. We'll know more once we find out if he's ready for hospice.

In writing about all this, it seems so matter-of-fact, but I had a REALLY tough day. I cried the whole way to the group home, and the whole way home. I tried to run on the treadmill, but only made it a half-mile before crying again and giving up. I cried in the shower. I cried when Jerry got home, and I told him the whole story. The whole evening has felt like I've been in a fog. When Mark went home a couple of days ago, I felt some sort of hope that he'd have another year or two. I never expected to get this call so soon.

I don't think Mark knows that he doesn't have much time left. I could barely understand what he was saying today, but I did hear him say something about fishing with my dad. I'd hoped that he would be able to go fishing one last time.

Something that completely broke my heart today was when C and I were talking in Mark's room. We said how hard Mark worked to be able to go home; that he went to physical and occupational therapy every day and worked through the pain. And he did it! He was home. I thought Mark was sleeping while we were talking about this, but then he said, very weakly, with his eyes still closed, "See? I did something..."

He was really proud of himself for doing it. Mark has always enjoyed his chores and when people ask him for help with something, and I think it's because he likes feeling needed. It gives him a purpose. When he was in the nursing home, he couldn't wait to go home and do chores like sweeping the floors. When he said today that he "did something", I just felt so sad; I hope he realizes that he's done SO MUCH MORE than I could ever explain.

All of this makes me scared. I'm scared about what's happening with Mark. I'm scared about being a primary caretaker for him if it comes to hospice care at my parents' house. I'm scared he's going to be in pain. I'm scared to tell him that his cancer isn't gone.

I just found this pic of him with my sister's dogs from several years ago

I know this sounds totally selfish here, but I'm even scared of what all this is going to do to my weight. I skipped my run today, and I could probably count on one hand the number of times I've skipped a run for no "real" reason. I'm an emotional eater, so I'm scared that this is going to make me want to eat everything in sight.

I didn't want this to be such a downer of a post, but it's hard to think positively about any of it right now. I know a lot of you look forward to updates about Mark, so I wanted to fill you in on what's going on. Thanks for the prayers and positive thoughts you've sent his way!

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Inconsistency

When I went back to Weight Watchers last month, and discovered I had to pay again (I was a free Lifetime member for over a year, but if you are over goal weight, then you have to pay), I had a big reason to get back to goal. I guess I just thought it would be easy--eat right for a few days, and I'd be back under goal. (My WW goal is 143, my weight was 146, so it was "only" 3 pounds).

Wednesday weigh-in today... my weight didn't budge (I forgot about taking a picture until after I'd drunk a quart of water, so you'll just have to trust me). I'm not going to pretend to be surprised that my weight hasn't changed, though! I think the best word to describe my actions lately, as far as eating goes, is "inconsistent". Over the past few months, I went through phases of counting every point, not counting anything, trying to eat only whole foods, eating lots of vegetables, caring about the numbers, not caring about the numbers, binge-free streaks and eating everything in sight. It's not surprising that my weight went up when I haven't stuck with anything long enough to see results!

Those three little pounds have NOT been easy, like I thought they'd be. I've been feeling SO stressed out lately, and I've learned that when I feel stressed, I go for food to forget about the stress for a moment. Textbook emotional eating! The biggest form of stress right now is just Jerry's work schedule. It's going to be like this until I go to San Diego, which is in a couple more weeks. But I am hoping that San Diego will be totally carefree and fun, and will help me feel more relaxed!

My team was talking about going to the San Diego Zoo while we're there, and I took out this old embarrassing photo from when I was 17 and went to the zoo with my mom.

There was a green screen and a green bench, and they told me to lie on the bench and "look scared". This photo was the result, hahaha! My mom and I happened to be at the zoo the day that the first panda to be born in the United States was born at that zoo. We didn't realize what a big deal it was while we were there, but later, we saw the news on TV in the hotel and it was a huge deal! That's the only memory I have of the San Diego Zoo, but I'm excited to go back next month.

Anyway, after I took the kids to the bus stop this morning, I ate breakfast and then went to my Weight Watchers meeting. I brought a copy of Runner's World with me to show my leader. I also stopped at Kroger to see if my Woman's World issue (the March 31st issue) was on the shelf yet, so I could bring that, too, but it wasn't there yet.

I showed Runner's World to my leader when I weighed in, and she was SO excited for me. I told her she could keep it, and she even asked me to sign it for her ;)  I was early for the meeting, so I sat down and chatted with a couple of the members while we waited. Everybody (the members, leaders, receptionists) are so nice. I really enjoy going, and despite my shyness, I feel very comfortable talking there. One of the members next to me, who has been really kind to me since I started going there, reached her goal weight this week. I was going to have to leave the meeting early for Mark's doctor's appointment, but I wanted to stay for when she got her award.

I made it out just in time get to Mark's appointment. My dad's truck was in the parking lot, so I parked near him. He came over and told me that he'd gone inside, and the receptionist told him Mark's appointment isn't until the 27th!! I have no idea where the miscommunication happened, but I was really disappointed that we wouldn't hear Mark's test results today.

My dad said she stopped at the group home on his way home, so that he could still see Mark. Mark was very out of it from all the medication :/  I had been hoping to ask the doctor today about decreasing his pain meds, because he seems way too drugged up sometimes.

The doctor's office was near Sam's Club, so I stopped there before going home. We love these ciabatta rolls to make sandwiches for dinner sometimes, so whenever I near Sam's, I like to pick some up.

They're 5 PointsPlus each, which isn't bad at all, considering that they make really hearty sandwiches. Today, I made pulled pork in the slow cooker to put on them--so good!

My Weight Watchers leader posted weekly goals for March, and I decided to try and do one of them this week: no alcohol for a week! Jerry and I like have a drink at night (usually wine for me, beer for him); but I'd like to try and challenge myself to come up with a different routine this week. Maybe a mug of hot chocolate, or tea and biscotti instead. Jerry said he'll do the challenge with me.

Today is the last "official" day of winter. I really hope that we start seeing signs of spring here soon! We still have snow on the ground, but it rained today, so I guess that's a good sign ;)

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