Summer clothes

I really liked writing a post in the morning yesterday, and here I am today, unable to sleep, so I'm writing again. I think I may start posting in the mornings from now on, before the stress of my day starts. But I'll see how it goes.

I really need to write about something other than Mark today. I don't have anything in mind, but Mark has been consuming my thoughts every hour of the day, and it's weighing heavily on me. But first, let me share a brief update: My parents went to the group home before Mark left yesterday. I was torn about whether to go or not; I felt really good about the last conversation I had with Mark, and didn't want to mess with that. I ended up not going, but my mom told me how things went.

My dad with Mark, just before Mark left

I didn't write my feelings about Mark's nephew ("D") before, because I really wanted to keep everything about Mark (and I still do). But I was bitter--it bothered me that he never visited Mark, and then wanted to take Mark home all of a sudden. He hasn't been the most likable person over the last few months. Anyway, my mom said after seeing D when he went to pick up Mark, she felt very good about Mark going home with him.

D had been up all night getting a room ready for Mark--painting, moving furniture, etc. He is friends and neighbors with a certified hospice nurse, so she is going to be Mark's primary caregiver. My mom said that Mark was happy to see D (he hadn't seen him since December, I believe). D told my mom we can come over any time we want, even if it's every single day (the downside is that he lives an hour away).

Mark seemed happy to leave with D, who took him to his house in time for the hospice nurses to arrive and evaluate Mark and get his bed and everything set up. My mom called D last night to see how Mark was doing, and D was getting ready to give him dinner. He said Mark was awake, and let my mom talk to him. Mark spoke very clearly, and when my mom asked him how he liked his new house, he said he really liked it.

I planned to keep this very brief, and here I am rattling on :)  Anyway, I feel MUCH better about the situation after hearing the updates. My mom and I plan to go visit Mark tomorrow (Monday). I'm still hurting for the fact that Mark's time here is almost over, but the fears that I was imagining about him staying with his nephew are gone. I think that his nephew has truly decided to step up for Mark, and take good care of him.

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I went for a run yesterday morning, even though it was the last thing I felt like doing. It was before Mark had left with D, so I was worrying about that all morning. I was scheduled for six miles, but I'd run six the day before (when I was only scheduled for five), so I decided to run five. I just really wanted to avoid the awful wind blowing in from the north, because it gives me a headwind the entire second half of my out-and-back route.

I decided to run around the four neighborhoods surrounding me, which is a perfect five miles. I think this winter, I've forgotten how to dress for outdoor running. I was definitely too warm yesterday in a long-sleeved tech shirt, fleece jacket, Cold Gear tights, gloves, and ear warmer headband. The "real feel" temp was 30, so I thought that would work. But after last week's horribly cold long run, I didn't want to take any chances, so I definitely dressed too warm!

I couldn't believe how difficult it felt to run yesterday. I maintained about a 9:30/mi pace, which should have felt very easy. In the fall, I was regularly running 8-10 miles at an 8:45-ish pace. But yesterday, I was huffing and puffing though the entire run, which was kind of discouraging. I'm hoping once I get back to regularly running outside, I'll get my fitness back quickly.

Last night, I decided to get out my summer clothes to try on and see what I should pack for San Diego (less than two weeks away!). I'm not kidding myself into thinking I'm the same size as I was in the summer (or even in January), but I couldn't believe at how tight my clothes had gotten! My goal weight is 133, and I maintained that pretty much all of 2013 (it started creeping up in November, but it wasn't until February that I gained quite a bit). Anyway, at 146, that means I'm 13 pounds over my goal weight. Seven of those pounds came on since February.

When I was obese, 13 pounds wouldn't have made a bit of difference in my clothing. But now, 13 pounds can equal 1-2 clothing sizes! I can barely squeeze into my size 4 shorts that were actually pretty baggy in the summer. It was depressing to try it all on, but also very motivating. I honestly didn't realize that those 13 pounds would make such a big difference. I obviously don't have enough time to lose it all before I go to San Diego, but hopefully by summertime I can.

I wanted to binge SO BADLY yesterday... it was driving me crazy all day long. My parents had the kids pretty much all day, to give me some space to grieve over Mark. It was very helpful, but being home alone, feeling sad all day made it hard for me not to dive head-first into a pint of ice cream. I thought about it constantly--curling up on the couch under a blanket, watching a Lifetime movie, and eating ice cream--the whole cliche.

The thing that stopped me was that I tried swapping out the ice cream for a mug of tea in that same scenario--it's just as comforting and relaxing, but it wouldn't leave me feeling like crap. So that's what I did. And later, when Jerry was home, I wanted to binge after dinner, but he told me he'd give me a really good back massage. It felt awesome, and definitely made the craving bearable until we watched TV with the kids before bed. I had tea instead of wine in the evening, per the challenge by my WW leader, and I found that I really didn't miss the wine as long as I had something to sip.

I think I'm just going to have to take each day, and each craving, as it comes. Having to re-lose this 13 pounds is bad enough; I don't want to add to it. And I certainly don't want to use Mark's illness as an excuse to comfort myself with food--he would feel awful if he knew I was doing that.

This morning, I have my long run--10 miles. I'm considering doing it without my Garmin, but I don't know if I'll be able to do that ;)  It would be really nice to run as slowly as I want, with nothing to tell me how slowly I'm running; but I do like looking at all the fun data when I'm done!

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Heartbroken

Sorry for the lack of post yesterday. I had a really hard day, and I just didn't have the energy to write a post. I spent the entire day with Mark. My mom and I went to the group home at 9:00, because we knew the hospice nurse would be coming to evaluate him at 10:00, and we wanted to be there. Nothing went as we'd hoped.

Ever since December, when Mark was hospitalized and diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer, my parents really wanted to take him to their house under hospice care. Mark is very comfortable when he goes to their house, and he's spent a lot of time there over the years. Mark and my dad have been very good friends for 35 years, and when my dad mentioned to Mark about going home with him, Mark was thrilled.

Unfortunately, because Mark has a nephew, we don't have guardianship or durable power of attorney, so we can't make any medical decisions for Mark. When the hospice nurse evaluated Mark, we were hoping that she would find him competent enough to sign himself into hospice, and sign over durable power of attorney (decisions for medical care) to my dad. It was really hard having to explain to Mark that the treatments didn't work, and that he wasn't going to get better. When the nurse asked him where he wanted to go for the rest of his life, he told her several times that he wanted to go to my dad's house; but when she asked him what the date was, he thought it was 2007. She said he wasn't competent to sign, and because there was a living blood relative, Mark's nephew had to sign the papers.

They contacted Mark's nephew, and he did sign Mark into hospice (which we were grateful for), but he decided to take Mark to his house instead of letting us take care of him. Since we aren't blood relatives with Mark, there was nothing we could do to change it. So today at noon, Mark will be going to his nephew's house. His nephew said we can visit if we call first, but I didn't want to assume that would happen, so I acted as if yesterday was the last day I would see Mark.

Mark was very tired, and could hardly open his eyes all day. My mom and I sat with him for about eight hours, and he just wasn't very lucid when we tried to talk to him. He did sip some of the strawberry shake I brought him, and he took a few bites of broccoli cheddar soup (from Panera!). But mostly, he slept.

When it came time for us to leave, I had a heavy pit in my stomach, knowing it was likely the last time I'd see him. My mom asked if I wanted to spend a few minutes alone with him, and I said yes. It was the strangest thing--once we were alone, Mark opened his eyes, and really SAW me. He kept his eyes open while I told him everything I wanted to say. I could see that he actually heard me and understood. Those couple of minutes were the most lucid I've seen him recently, and I felt really good about leaving like that. The last thing he told me was, "I'll be okay". I needed to hear that, and I think he knew how much I needed to hear that.

I turned on his favorite Jackson Browne CD for him, and he kept his eyes open long enough for a picture :)

It's my hope, more than anything, that Mark's nephew really wants to take good care of Mark, and make his last days the best they can be. I want Mark to feel loved during the time he has left, and I hate feeling so powerless. I really hope that the hospice nurses make sure that he's getting the best care, too.

I'm just so sad right now. I've never felt this much grief before. I'm very lucky that nobody really close to me has ever died; but this is the first time I've ever really experienced this, and it's awful. I've spent the last four months seeing Mark a few times a week, and trying to make him as happy as possible, despite the cancer. He has made an enormous impact on my life, and I just wish that I could do more for him.

Again, I am sorry for such a downer of a post. I feel bad, because with the Runner's World and Woman's World articles out right now, I've gotten some new readers, but all I've written about this month is death and dying! On the bright side, I did manage to get out for a run yesterday evening. I ran six miles, even though I was completely drained, and I'm glad I did it. Mark was excited for me to go to San Diego and run with my Ragnar team, although I was prepared to cancel my trip to stay and take care of Mark; but now, I plan to go run because he would want me to.

I'm not sure how consistently I'll be posting for the next few days, but I want to say thank you all so much for your kind comments and emails. My mom and I were both very touched by how supportive you've been, now and for the last few months!

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New update on Mark

Today was a very rough, emotional day for me. I spent the morning procrastinating my run (per usual), and when I finally get dressed to run, my mom called. She told me that she got a call from "C" at Mark's group home, and it turns out that Mark isn't doing very well. His health went downhill very quickly once he was back home. C said that the doctor was going to go to the home to check on him, so I wanted to get there to hear what the doctor had to say.

I changed clothes as quickly as I could, and rushed out the door. When I got there, Mark was sleeping, so I talked to C for about an hour while we waited for the doctor to get there. She told me what was going on with Mark--he can't get up and walk, even with his walker, he's constantly sleeping, and he was having trouble swallowing. His memory seemed a little fuzzy, and some of the things he's said to her have been "off". 

I had attributed the sleepiness and lethargy to his pain medication; but C said that she had cut back on his pain meds, because she thought the same thing. His pain felt worse, but it didn't help with his lethargy or anything else. The only thing that I can think of is that Mark was SO determined to go home, and he worked really hard to be able to go home; and once he got there, maybe he just gave up. He's happy to be home, and now he can just relax. 

After talking to C for a while, we checked on Mark again, and he was awake. He looked SO tired and pale. He couldn't keep his eyes open long enough to really talk to me. He did say he was glad to see me, like always, and when I asked how he was feeling, he said, "Great". He's afraid to tell anyone when he doesn't feel well because he thinks he'll have to go back to the hospital.

The doctor came and checked him out, basically confirming what we already knew. He wrote prescriptions for the pain meds that Mark needs, but that was all he could really do. We need to hear from Mark's oncologist to know where the cancer stands, but in reality, there isn't anything else to do except make Mark comfortable. He called to have a hospice nurse go out and evaluate Mark, to see if he's ready for hospice (the nurse will estimate how long he has to live, and if it's less than six months, then he would qualify for hospice). The nurse should be going tomorrow, I hope. We'll know more once we find out if he's ready for hospice.

In writing about all this, it seems so matter-of-fact, but I had a REALLY tough day. I cried the whole way to the group home, and the whole way home. I tried to run on the treadmill, but only made it a half-mile before crying again and giving up. I cried in the shower. I cried when Jerry got home, and I told him the whole story. The whole evening has felt like I've been in a fog. When Mark went home a couple of days ago, I felt some sort of hope that he'd have another year or two. I never expected to get this call so soon.

I don't think Mark knows that he doesn't have much time left. I could barely understand what he was saying today, but I did hear him say something about fishing with my dad. I'd hoped that he would be able to go fishing one last time.

Something that completely broke my heart today was when C and I were talking in Mark's room. We said how hard Mark worked to be able to go home; that he went to physical and occupational therapy every day and worked through the pain. And he did it! He was home. I thought Mark was sleeping while we were talking about this, but then he said, very weakly, with his eyes still closed, "See? I did something..."

He was really proud of himself for doing it. Mark has always enjoyed his chores and when people ask him for help with something, and I think it's because he likes feeling needed. It gives him a purpose. When he was in the nursing home, he couldn't wait to go home and do chores like sweeping the floors. When he said today that he "did something", I just felt so sad; I hope he realizes that he's done SO MUCH MORE than I could ever explain.

All of this makes me scared. I'm scared about what's happening with Mark. I'm scared about being a primary caretaker for him if it comes to hospice care at my parents' house. I'm scared he's going to be in pain. I'm scared to tell him that his cancer isn't gone.

I just found this pic of him with my sister's dogs from several years ago

I know this sounds totally selfish here, but I'm even scared of what all this is going to do to my weight. I skipped my run today, and I could probably count on one hand the number of times I've skipped a run for no "real" reason. I'm an emotional eater, so I'm scared that this is going to make me want to eat everything in sight.

I didn't want this to be such a downer of a post, but it's hard to think positively about any of it right now. I know a lot of you look forward to updates about Mark, so I wanted to fill you in on what's going on. Thanks for the prayers and positive thoughts you've sent his way!

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Inconsistency

When I went back to Weight Watchers last month, and discovered I had to pay again (I was a free Lifetime member for over a year, but if you are over goal weight, then you have to pay), I had a big reason to get back to goal. I guess I just thought it would be easy--eat right for a few days, and I'd be back under goal. (My WW goal is 143, my weight was 146, so it was "only" 3 pounds).

Wednesday weigh-in today... my weight didn't budge (I forgot about taking a picture until after I'd drunk a quart of water, so you'll just have to trust me). I'm not going to pretend to be surprised that my weight hasn't changed, though! I think the best word to describe my actions lately, as far as eating goes, is "inconsistent". Over the past few months, I went through phases of counting every point, not counting anything, trying to eat only whole foods, eating lots of vegetables, caring about the numbers, not caring about the numbers, binge-free streaks and eating everything in sight. It's not surprising that my weight went up when I haven't stuck with anything long enough to see results!

Those three little pounds have NOT been easy, like I thought they'd be. I've been feeling SO stressed out lately, and I've learned that when I feel stressed, I go for food to forget about the stress for a moment. Textbook emotional eating! The biggest form of stress right now is just Jerry's work schedule. It's going to be like this until I go to San Diego, which is in a couple more weeks. But I am hoping that San Diego will be totally carefree and fun, and will help me feel more relaxed!

My team was talking about going to the San Diego Zoo while we're there, and I took out this old embarrassing photo from when I was 17 and went to the zoo with my mom.

There was a green screen and a green bench, and they told me to lie on the bench and "look scared". This photo was the result, hahaha! My mom and I happened to be at the zoo the day that the first panda to be born in the United States was born at that zoo. We didn't realize what a big deal it was while we were there, but later, we saw the news on TV in the hotel and it was a huge deal! That's the only memory I have of the San Diego Zoo, but I'm excited to go back next month.

Anyway, after I took the kids to the bus stop this morning, I ate breakfast and then went to my Weight Watchers meeting. I brought a copy of Runner's World with me to show my leader. I also stopped at Kroger to see if my Woman's World issue (the March 31st issue) was on the shelf yet, so I could bring that, too, but it wasn't there yet.

I showed Runner's World to my leader when I weighed in, and she was SO excited for me. I told her she could keep it, and she even asked me to sign it for her ;)  I was early for the meeting, so I sat down and chatted with a couple of the members while we waited. Everybody (the members, leaders, receptionists) are so nice. I really enjoy going, and despite my shyness, I feel very comfortable talking there. One of the members next to me, who has been really kind to me since I started going there, reached her goal weight this week. I was going to have to leave the meeting early for Mark's doctor's appointment, but I wanted to stay for when she got her award.

I made it out just in time get to Mark's appointment. My dad's truck was in the parking lot, so I parked near him. He came over and told me that he'd gone inside, and the receptionist told him Mark's appointment isn't until the 27th!! I have no idea where the miscommunication happened, but I was really disappointed that we wouldn't hear Mark's test results today.

My dad said she stopped at the group home on his way home, so that he could still see Mark. Mark was very out of it from all the medication :/  I had been hoping to ask the doctor today about decreasing his pain meds, because he seems way too drugged up sometimes.

The doctor's office was near Sam's Club, so I stopped there before going home. We love these ciabatta rolls to make sandwiches for dinner sometimes, so whenever I near Sam's, I like to pick some up.

They're 5 PointsPlus each, which isn't bad at all, considering that they make really hearty sandwiches. Today, I made pulled pork in the slow cooker to put on them--so good!

My Weight Watchers leader posted weekly goals for March, and I decided to try and do one of them this week: no alcohol for a week! Jerry and I like have a drink at night (usually wine for me, beer for him); but I'd like to try and challenge myself to come up with a different routine this week. Maybe a mug of hot chocolate, or tea and biscotti instead. Jerry said he'll do the challenge with me.

Today is the last "official" day of winter. I really hope that we start seeing signs of spring here soon! We still have snow on the ground, but it rained today, so I guess that's a good sign ;)

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Mark went home today!

Tuesday is speed work day, but I was SO not on the mood for speed work (am I ever?!). I was procrastinating all morning, and then I finally got on the treadmill to do 6 x 800's.

-1/2 mile warm-up
-6 repeats of the following:
     -1/2 mile at 7:30/mi pace
     -1/4 mile recovery jog
-1/2 mile cool down

I did the warm-up, and then halfway through the first interval, I decided that I just couldn't make myself do it today. Instead, I wanted to run outside! So I changed clothes and headed out for a four-mile run at whatever pace I felt like running. It felt pretty tough today, for some reason.

It was much better than doing speed work, that's for sure. But I'm looking forward to a rest day tomorrow!

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I'm a little disappointed that I don't have pictures to share of Mark, because today was his big day--he went home! I had assumed that my dad and I would be the ones to take him home, but the woman who owns the group home called me this morning to say that she was going to pick him up. She said that sometimes the whole discharge process takes a while, and she would have to be the one to sign papers and all that stuff, so it was better that she go. Which makes sense, of course. I was just disappointed I didn't get to see how excited he was to get out of the nursing home!

I spent the morning working on getting the rest of his cards into "books" on a ring.

This is probably only about half of the total cards he received (his nephew took several hundred home, and we haven't seen them since). I cannot thank you all enough for sending him love and well wishes over the past few months!! Mark LOVES the cards, and it was a big topic of conversation with the nurses at the hospital and nursing home--who is this patient? why does he have so many cards? ;) (If you still want to send cards, you can do so indefinitely! I'll continue to bring them to him at the group home. The address is on the left sidebar of my blog.)

The nursing staff all fell in love with Mark, of course. He is truly the perfect patient--he does whatever they ask of him (with a smile on his face), never complains about anything, always greets them warmly and tells them he's happy to see them, and treats them will the respect they deserve.

I definitely plan to continue to visit Mark a few times a week, but I just have to say that the last few months have been life-changing for me. I feel really lucky that I've gotten to know him and understand him a lot better. There have been numerous times throughout the past few months that I've gotten upset over something, and then stopped to think, "Is this really worth being upset over? Mark is doing chemo with a big smile on his face, knowing that at best, he'll get another year or two to live. Is this REALLY worth getting upset about?" (And the answer is always no, of course!)

If there is one thing I've taken away from getting to know Mark better, it's this: To be a good person, it doesn't matter what possessions we have, what car we drive, what clothes we wear, where we live, what we do for a living, how we spend our free time, what we eat or don't eat, what places we've traveled to, whether we have a Ph.D or a G.E.D. or no education at all, how much money is in our bank account, or how many friends we hang out with on the weekend. At the end of the day, the only thing that really matters to others is our attitudes and how well we treat people.

Pretty much everything that Mark owns can fit in a small box. He hasn't traveled the world, and he doesn't have a ton of stories about the things he's done in life. But he has the cheeriest attitude of anyone I've ever met, and he is SO grateful and happy for everything that comes his way. It truly is impossible to NOT like him. I've been trying really hard to be more like Mark--complaining less, being happy with everything I have, and trying to find enjoyment in everything I do. It's not as easy as Mark makes it seem, but I'm getting there :)

Anyway, I'm really happy that Mark is back at home, and tomorrow we'll go to the doctor with him to find out where is cancer stands right now. I'm praying for good news!

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Motivational Monday #56 (St. Patrick's Day Edition)

Well, I asked, and you all delivered! After several weeks of not getting many Motivational Monday submissions, I was considering retiring the MM posts; but today, I was flooded with emails! Normally, I like to post them the week that I get them, so they aren't too untimely; but I had nearly 30 submissions, so I decided to use some today, and some next week (and maybe some the week after that!).

Since today is St. Patrick's Day, and a lot of people did St. Patty's Day races over the weekend, I thought it would be fun to post all of those first. Looking at the pictures, it kind of makes me wish I'd done a race over the weekend, too :)

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My friend Stephanie and her son, Jamie, ran a (very cold) 10K yesterday! Jamie really wanted to do this race, despite the fact that he had THREE hockey try-outs between Saturday and Sunday as well (each one was 90-minutes long). It was only 13 degrees during the race, but they had fun showing their St. Patty's Day spirit! (Especially after warming up at Panera after the race)

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You may remember Julie (on right) who lost her husband to cancer last September, and she was struggling with binge eating after his passing. She'd been training for her first half-marathon, the "Run for Life", to take place yesterday, the day after her late husband's birthday. The last six months have been very tough for Julie and her daughter, Sasha, and celebrating her husband's birthday without him was harder than she even imagined. She didn't sleep much, she was sad, and feeling anxious about the race, but she got up, got dressed, and ran the streets of NYC. She felt incredibly empowered and lucky to be alive to enjoy every moment!

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Amber completed her fourth half-marathon yesterday! Because of her husband's schedule, she knew it was going to be tough to train with her kids in tow (1.5 year old son and 8 year old daughter); but she didn't let that stop her, and she blew her goal time out of the water. She hoped to finish in 2:24, but she finished in 2:16! She's been maintaining a 70-pound weight loss, and is proud to set a good example for her kids.

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Jodi just completed her very first race--the Shamrock Shuffle 3K in Lexington! She's lost a total of 123 pounds, and is already registered for her first 5K in June! She said that after this race, she feels "unstoppable", and someday, she'll be posting about her first marathon :)

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Dean ran the Wearin' of the Green 7K race and despite the freezing cold and windy conditions, he had his fastest race yet! He finished in 36:58, which is an 8:32/mi pace; his 5K PR pace is 9:01 (clearly, he needs to update that 5K PR!). Dean is on my Strangers to Sole Mates Ragnar team, and when we first invited him to join the team, he was running an 11:00+ minute mile. He's lost a LOT of weight and gotten a LOT faster over the last year! (Dean started a blog, which you can find here)

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Emily completed her longest run to date: the 15K Shamrock Run in Portland! She had a foot injury that sidelined her for the whole month of February, so her longest training run was only 6 miles. Despite the training injury, she finished in 1:51:37, even with the tough course! The race renewed her confidence in her goal for a half-marathon in June.

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Melissa ran the Chicago Get Lucky Half-Marathon! She planned to run with her sister-in-law and maybe run a sub-2:00. Her sister-in-law was sick and not able to run, so Melissa decided to try and keep up with her husband for a few miles, and then just run easy for the rest. She ended up staying with her husband for 10 miles, running just at or below a 9:00/mi pace, on target for a sub-2:00! She struggled a little, but was so close that she pushed herself to keep up with the 2:00 pacers... and she did it! She finished sub-2:00, which was a big goal for her. And later, they celebrated with some well-deserved deep-dish Chicago-style pizza ;)  (Melissa's blog)

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Robin (in the middle) and her "Soul Sisters" ran their second Shamrox 15K! They are all training to run their third half-marathon next month. Robin said the weather was perfect for the race, and the scenic race course was fantastic!

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Kylie (in the green shirt) ran her very first half-marathon, the Get Lucky Half, with her boyfriend and her sister! She originally started running last summer as a way to lose some weight, but she never thought she'd take it further than a 5K. She was really nervous about doing the half, but she had so much fun that she immediately said she wants to do it again!

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On Saturday, Jill, along with her two daughters, Emily and Julia; her two nieces, Monica and Natalie; her sister-in-law, Angie; brother-in-law, Reid; and their son, Sean, ran the Irish Feet 5K in Topeka! Jill has NINE children, and she says that running together has been a huge motivation to get the kids moving, as well as a good, healthy way to connect with them. They all finished the 5K in under 30 minutes, too!

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My brother-in-law, Shawn, didn't submit this, but I just have to do a little bragging for him... he ran a 1:40 half-marathon yesterday! He's only been running for a little over a year, and he and my sister, Jeanie, are training for their first marathon (which is next month). They registered for a half-marathon in San Diego to take place yesterday, so that Shawn's mom could watch them run (she hadn't been to a race of theirs). Unfortunately, Shawn's mom unexpectedly passed away recently. Jeanie and Shawn decided to still go and run the race, and Shawn wanted to put in all his effort to crush his PR of 1:48. He made a playlist of Bob Seger songs (his mom's favorite music) to listen to, and Jeanie and Shawn both wore urn necklaces that contained some of his mom's ashes. Shawn ran his best, and took a whopping 8 minutes off of his PR!

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Don't forget to check out the Motivational Monday Facebook post for more stories!

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Ten torturous miles

A lot of people say that running on a treadmill is about as mentally tough as you can get. Today's outdoor run, however, pushed my mental strength to the max.

I had 10 miles on the schedule for my long run. Since the kids stayed the night at my parents' house and went to church with them this morning, and the ice was nearly gone outside, of course I wanted to do my run outside! While I was getting dressed, I asked Jerry to check the temperature for me, so I would know how warm to dress. He said it was 18 degrees.

The 18-degree temp is a bit tricky--not cold enough to wear my warmest winter gear, but not warm enough to skimp, either. I ended up wearing my Cold Gear tights, Cold Gear long-sleeved top, a light jacket, my thinnest gloves, and a Bondiband over my ears (I briefly thought about skipping the Bondiband and just wearing a headband for my hair, but the Bondiband was thin enough that it wasn't too warm).

Before heading out, I had the idea to finally try out the live tracking feature on my Garmin. It was one of the biggest selling points to me, but I hadn't had much opportunity to try it, since I've been on the treadmill all winter! The live tracking feature uses Bluetooth on your phone to allow people to "track" you online. I sent the link to Jerry's email, so when he clicked on it, it would show him in live time exactly where I was running. My phone's battery was only at 25%, but I hoped it would last through the run.

Once I set that up, I told Jerry to check it frequently, because I was curious how it worked. Then I headed out for a 10-mile out-and-back on my favorite route. As soon as I got outside, I thought it felt a heck of a lot colder than 18 degrees, but I figured I just needed a couple of miles to warm up. I actually had a tailwind on the way out, which almost never happens--usually, I have a headwind on the way out, and a tailwind on the way back, which is nice for negative splits.

About two miles in, I was still really cold, but hopeful that I'd warm up. I'd gone too far to turn around for warmer gloves and ear warmer headband. So I kept going, with the wind at my back. I had a nagging feeling about how I was going to feel when I turned around, but I had my phone with me, so I figured if it was awful, I'd just call Jerry to come get me.

At around mile 3.5, my Garmin informed me that my phone battery was low. I assumed that meant 20% battery life, so I figured it would make it through the rest of the run (or at least until after I turned around at mile 5). At mile 4.85, my Garmin alerted me that my phone was disconnected. I tried turning on my phone, but it was completely dead. I just hoped that Jerry wouldn't see that I'd stopped moving on the live tracker and come searching for me! (The phone has to be turned on for the tracker to work).

I turned around at mile 5, and I instantly knew I was in trouble. The wind was AWFUL, blowing right in my face. My eyes started watering right away, and snot was dripping down my nose. I wished, more than anything, that my phone was working so I could call Jerry! I honestly started to worry about frostbite, because my face felt like it was burning from the freezing cold wind.

I started to feel a little panicked, but then I thought, "Okay, Jerry will come check on me any minute, because he'll notice that the tracker stopped moving." Every time I saw a white car coming toward me (and there were a LOT of white cars out this morning), my hopes would swell; and then deflate as the car passed by and it wasn't Jerry.

I started to think about going inside of a building--a gas station, Monica's Bakery, Kroger... all places I passed by. But I had a feeling that as soon as I'd step inside, Jerry would drive by, and then get really panicked because he wouldn't see me anywhere on my route. So I figured it was safest to stay on my route, and just hope he got worried enough to come look for me.

I just kept praying, almost like a mantra, "Please let Jerry come, please let Jerry come, please let Jerry come..." At around mile 8, I really started to give up any hope. I'd kept running, but only because I'd be colder if I stopped. I was absolutely freezing. If I could have cried while running, I definitely would have been crying. It was THAT tough!

When I was less than a half-mile from home, I heard a honk behind me, and it was my parents (and kids) driving past. They waved, but before I realized it was them, they had already gone past, and it was too late to flag them down. At that point, I still would have gladly accepted a ride, even though I was only 3-4 minutes from home!

When I finally saw my house, I was SO relieved. I opened the door and that's when the tears came. I couldn't believe I actually made it home. I was trying to explain to Jerry what was wrong, and I asked him where he was (why didn't he come check on me?). He said that once I got to mile 4.85, the live feed stopped and just kept trying to reload. He just assumed that since it was the first time I used it, that maybe it was faulty or something. Of course I can't blame him for not checking on me, but I wish that he'd been overprotective for just this once ;)

When I checked the weather myself after getting home, I saw why I was so cold!

Yes, it was 18 degrees, but there were 15 mph winds blowing right in my face and the temp was a "feels like" 3 degrees. I should have checked the weather myself. I should have dressed in my warmest winter gear. I should have made sure my phone was charged.

On the bright side, the live tracker is awesome! Jerry said he could see me moving (not actually ME, of course, but a dot on a map). He could see exactly where I was (up until mile 4.85), how fast I was going, my distance, elevation gain, etc. It only works when the phone is in proximity (and not dead, of course). It will be a nice feature to use during my long runs... assuming Jerry and I make a plan for what to do if it stops tracking ;)

I thought my pace was all over the place, but it actually ended up being kind of consistent. Definitely slower than last week, but I really wasn't concerned about pace today!

This afternoon, Jerry, the kids, and I went to visit Mark. We stopped to get him a coffee from Starbucks, and I got an extra hot latte to warm up my bones. When we got there, Mark was really out of it. I think they changed his pain meds, or they're giving him a higher dosage, because the last couple of times I've gone to see him, he seems like he's pretty loopy.

We brought him to the cafeteria to sit and chat for a little bit, but he had a hard time even keeping his eyes open. We only ended up staying for about 45 minutes, because he said he was tired. I'm really curious about what his test results are! He has a doctor's appointment on Wednesday, and my dad and I are going to go with him. We can ask about his meds then, too.

On the way home, we stopped at Bed, Bath, & Beyond to look for a new comforter. The quilt on my bed was old and getting pretty ratty looking. We ended up finding one on clearance that I absolutely loved. My bedroom is fall-colors, and it matched really well.

It's really comfortable, too! After the run I had this morning, I'm looking forward to a nice, comfy bed tonight.

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Don't forget, tomorrow is Motivational Monday! If you have a photo of a health/fitness accomplishment you'd like to submit, you can email it to me along with a short description (subject: Motivational Monday) at SlimKatie (at) runsforcookies (dot) com, and I may include it in tomorrow's post! Remember, it doesn't have to be anything huge--maybe you went to the gym three times this week, or you had a healthy breakfast every day. Whatever makes YOU feel proud of YOU is something to celebrate! :)

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Walker caddy

Whew, I feel SO much better after writing about my current struggle with staying on track amidst the stress I've been dealing with. I don't know why I get so nervous to write when I'm struggling, because you all make me feel so much better. I hate to see anyone struggle with it, but it sure does help to know that I'm not the only one!

I did really well today, thanks in part to my Kitchen Safe. I hadn't used it in a while, but I got it back out yesterday and locked up the peanut butter, chocolate chips, Clif Bars, and a bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs. I bought the mini eggs so that I could have a few as a treat in the evenings, but I definitely have to keep those in the Kitchen Safe! I was surprised at just how small the serving size is, and for so many points. A serving of 12 mini eggs has 6 PointsPlus. Each one is only about the size of a peanut M&M. So this morning, I counted out 6 of them for 3 PP. They're really good, but I don't know if I think they're worth that many calories.

Today I had a six-mile easy run on the schedule. I really wanted to go outside and run! Jerry was working, though, and I didn't have anyone to watch the kids if I went outside. I tried calling my parents, but they weren't home, so I decided just to get it done on the treadmill. I changed out the battery in my foot pod, to see if that was what was causing the issue yesterday (apparently, it was--because today, it was back to normal).

I set the treadmill at 6.2 mph (9:40/mi) and just left it there. I was feeling really good, like it was nice and easy, when I noticed that my heart rate was sky high--89-91%! Normally, it's about 75-79% during an easy run. I was debating whether I should slow down, because I felt really good, but I didn't want my heart rate to be that high.

While I kept running, I pressed the heart rate strap to my chest kind of hard, to make sure that there was good contact, and then my Garmin showed my heart rate lower from 91% down to 77% almost instantly. I adjusted my sports bra a little, so that it wasn't interfering with the strap at all, and my HR stayed at 75-77% the rest of the run. That was kind of weird!

I'm just going to have to make sure that my sports bra strap is just under the heart rate strap, so it doesn't interfere.

This afternoon, I worked on a project for Mark. I need to buy him a walker for when he goes home on Tuesday, and I found a pattern for a walker caddy while browsing patterns online. I thought it would come in handy for him, since he'll be using the walker everywhere he goes. This first picture is what it looks like now that I'm done, but it doesn't look like much without the walker!

Here is what it will look like on the walker (this photo is from the pattern's site):

It was easy to make, and working on it helped me stay out of the pantry today ;)

Jerry's off work tomorrow, and the kids are staying at my parents' house tonight, so we're going to have a date night. Nothing too exciting, however--just take-out from Panera for dinner and catching up on some of our favorite shows we've been missing!

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Stress eating

I'd been feeling really stressed out this week, because I was trying to find a home for Mark. As I mentioned, he's getting discharged on the 18th. We were excited for him that he gets to leave the nursing home, but we had no idea where he was going to go. It was very unlikely that he'd be able to go back to his group foster care home (where he lived for most of his life) because he needs a little extra assistance.

I told him that I would try to find a him as close to my house as possible, so that I'd be able to go visit several times a week, and pick him him to take him out places. All of the homes I called were for senior citizens, and Mark is only 58, so they couldn't take him. Yesterday, I was really starting to panic, because he's being discharged on Tuesday!

My mom told me that she and my dad were talking about it, and decided to sit down and pray about it. Literally, while they were praying, the phone rang--it was the woman who owns the group home that Mark had been living in, and she said that they decided Mark could go back there! This was FANTASTIC news, because Mark really loves that home.

They said they'll need us to help out, and we agreed. I'll go there a few times a week to help him get some exercise, and my dad can stop there on his way home from his summer job at the Metropark. Once Mark starts to deteriorate from the cancer, however, he won't be able to stay there. My parents are hoping that we'll be able to bring Mark to their house when it comes time for hospice care. Mark had some new tests done early this week, and he has an appointment on Wednesday to go over the tests. I am really hoping for a miracle--that the cancer will have gone into remission! But that's a long shot. More likely, Mark will have another year or two.

Anyway, I was excited to tell Mark the good news, so planned to go see him this morning. After getting the kids off to school, I hopped on the treadmill for my scheduled four miles. I wore my new running shoes, Brooks Adrenaline 14's. When I first started running in 2010, I wore the Adrenaline 10's. I tried other shoes, but the Adrenalines have always been my go-to shoe. I've worn them ever since--the 10's, the 11's, the 12's, and the 13's. My most recent pair has about 350 miles on them, so it was time for a new pair.

I went to the running store a couple of days ago and bought the 14's. I liked the new color!

Yesterday, I wore them for my five-mile run at half-marathon pace (8:34/mi). They were killing my feet! I only ended up doing four miles at race pace before I finally just called it quits. I hoped that maybe I was just having a bad day yesterday, so I tried them one more time today. About a mile in, I just couldn't take it--the arches of my feet were killing me. I stopped the treadmill, and put on my old pair. My feet felt much better once I switched out the shoes, so I knew it was the 14's that were the problem.

That was scary! The Adrenalines have always been my sure-thing shoe. No matter what, I knew they would fit well, I knew they were comfortable, and that I could run long in them. I've never found another shoe like that. I decided to return them today, and hopefully find a different shoe that would work.

The weird thing is, when I was running with the new shoes on the treadmill, my Garmin foot pod was suddenly showing the wrong pace. My foot pod always shows the same pace as the treadmill, but with the new shoes, it was reading about 20-30 seconds slower per mile. When I put the pod back on my old shoes, the pace was almost back to normal (about 5 seconds slower per mile). So strange!

I stopped at the running store on the way to the nursing home, and returned the shoes. The man who works there brought out a bunch more that were similar to the Adrenalines for me to try. I wasn't crazy about any of them. I need a very wide toe box, and there aren't a lot of running shoes that come in a wide width. In the end, I settled on the Brooks Ghost 6's. They were really light and comfortable, but the store didn't have them in a wide width; so I had to order them in a wide. I really hope that they work out!! As a bonus, they're a little cheaper than the Adrenalines :)

I stopped at Starbucks to get Mark a vanilla latte. Once in a while, when I get Mark coffee, I'll get a decaf for myself. But today, I decided to try something a little fancier--I got a Skinny Peppermint Mocha, and it was so good! It was only 3 PointsPlus, which was definitely worth it.

When I got to the nursing home, I went to Mark's room, but he wasn't there, and all of the cards were gone from the walls. I asked if they moved him, and they had. I found his new room, which was definitely more crowded (three beds instead of two), but it was nice because he was next to a window.  He said they moved him because his old room was for "sick people", and he's going home in a few days ;)

I read him some of his cards, and he got a package with a handmade scarf in it--he loved the scarf!

I always tell Mark to smile when I take a picture, and when he smiles, he automatically closes his eyes. So I say, "Open your eyes" and then his smile goes away. It's tough for him to do both at the same time! ;)

I told him the good news about going back to his group home, and he was thrilled. He said he was hoping that I'd be able to find a place close to us. Now he'll be just 20 minutes away, instead of 40, and I'll be able to go visit more. The whole time that I was visiting today, he just kept talking about how he only has four more days until he goes home. He can't wait to sleep in his own bed and do his chores.

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In other news, I've been doing TERRIBLE at getting back into Weight Watchers. I've been trying to count points, and I do well for a day or two, and then eat like I haven't eaten in days. My weight was 139 at the beginning of February, and I was at 146 for my last WW meeting! I hate writing this, and I've been avoiding writing about it at all, but if I keep procrastinating, I'm afraid it will just turn into 150, or 160, or more. I really need to get back to doing Wednesday Weigh-ins for some accountability.

The only thing I can think of that would be causing me to have such a hard time right now is that I've been under a ton of stress lately. Jerry's been working just about every day; my friend Sarah passed away and I think about her several times a day (today would have been her 32nd birthday); the winter is never-ending; I was worried about finding a home for Mark; and my weight being up so much is stressful in itself. I'm not trying to make excuses--none of those things forced me to eat too much! But my life is a definitely more stressful than it usually is, and I wonder if that is making me want to eat more.

Regardless, I want to get it under control, and I hope that by writing about it, I can gain control again. I'd love to be back at goal by the time I go to Boston for the Heartbreak Hill Half & Festival. My brother, Brian, is getting married in September, and his fiancé has asked me to be a bridesmaid. She just ordered our dresses, so I don't want the stress of worrying about whether it will still fit in the fall!

So, my plan is to count my points, continue making sure to get in my five servings of fruits and veggies (I've been doing well so far all month!), and post a weigh-in on Wednesdays, no matter what the scale says. Spring officially starts on Thursday, and I want to go into the new season feeling healthy!

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Weight Loss Success: How Martha Lost 100 Pounds!

My kids ended up having another snow day today, because the road conditions were so bad. So, rather than bore you with my day, I'd like to introduce another member of my Ragnar team--Martha. Martha is SO sweet and kind, and a pleasure to have on our team. 

When I first read Martha's story, before we formed this team, I am ashamed to admit that I was a little judgmental of the way she chose to lose weight--as she explains below, she used a meal replacement system. I've never been a fan of those, because whenever I tried programs like that in the past, I would gain the weight as soon as I stopped eating the plan's food.

However, I'm always saying that there isn't one thing that works for everyone... so why should this be any different?! I firmly believe that people need to find out what works for themselves. And that's exactly what Martha did. She'd tried other ways in the past, but eventually found a plan that worked for her--and she's doing a fantastic job keeping the weight off, even while eating "regular" foods. I'm happy that she found something that worked for her!

I am SO impressed with Martha's mile-per-day streak, which she also explains below. She's been streaking for about 14 months now!

Anyway, I'll let Martha take over... :)

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Hi! My name is Martha, and I am 43 years old and live in Scottsdale, Arizona.  My husband, Paul, and I have been married almost 18 years and we have 3 children – ages 14 (girl), 12 (boy) and 9 (girl).  I am thrilled to be “Runner #9”.

Although I was a skinny and athletic kid growing up, I put on a lot of weight after having three kids in five years.  I did not take care of my health and continued to eat like I was a teenager.  I lost my mom to cancer during that time, and I’m sure I ate to fill that void.

My weight crept up about 10 pounds a year or so until I found myself being about 100 pounds overweight.  Because I am over 5’9″, I didn’t have much trouble carrying that extra weight for a while.  But then, almost suddenly, I really started noticing how much my weight was holding me back.  It was hard to put on my shoes and it was hard to get up and down our stairs in our house without my heart pounding.  I was sick of shopping in the plus-sized departments and stores.  I was actually exercising very regularly but I would “reward” myself with high calorie treats when I got home and, therefore, made little to no progress in losing any weight.

Have you ever seen a cuter
"before" photo?!

My poor eating choices were starting to show up in my blood work with high triglycerides and cholesterol.  Most disturbing, I was starting to “check out” of living my life because I was either too tired or too embarrassed to fully participate in activities with friends.  I wanted to be around (and fully present) for my husband and kids.  I wanted to get back to the “old” me again.  

There are all kinds of ways to lose weight and one thing that was holding me back was that I had not found a solution that seemed like a good fit. Weight Watchers was phenomenal for me when I had lost weight 10 years or so ago, but I had a very hard and unsuccessful time re-starting the program again.   Looking at a goal weight loss of 100 pounds, I really wanted to find a program that I believed in for the long haul.

One day, a friend of mine posted on Facebook about a doctor she had seen that had helped her reach her goal weight. I actually knew of him, a very reputable internal medicine doctor in my city, and his wife was actually a pediatrician in my kids’ office. He was specializing in weight loss medicine at his practice.  

After doing some research, I felt like I had found my solution and got started within a few weeks.  The weight loss program I used was Optifast – which is a meal replacement program (bars, shakes, soups, etc.) but there was also an educational component to the program that I really appreciated. I attended over 20 different classes with topics ranging from emotional eating, exercise, nutrition, time-management, meal planning, etc. I felt like I really got the tools I needed to help with maintaining the weight loss as well. 

I continued with my regular exercise (both strength training and cardio) which helped the weight come off even more quickly.  Amazingly, it took me only 6.5 months to drop 100 pounds and reach my goal!  But I know that the real work comes in maintaining that weight loss.  So far, I have maintained my weight loss for almost a year.

In January 2013, I learned about a little group of patients at my weight loss doctor’s office that were walking or running one mile a day, every single day – trying to see how long of a “streak” they could maintain.  I decided to give it a try and it has become one of the cornerstones of my weight loss journey and my “streak” is currently at Day 423! By making myself complete a mile every single day, I have developed the “habit” of exercising every day, no matter what (including a couple of fevers/illnesses and really busy time periods).

Every day I would try to run a little bit more of the mile. I was very slow at first and it was so hard to get past those initial ¼ - ½ miles without stopping. Finally I got to the point where I could run a mile straight through, and then I worked to increase my speed a bit. I did almost all of this work on a treadmill at the gym because I was, for some reason, nervous about running outside. 

My weight loss doctor is a runner and he was very helpful with getting me started.  Every visit included a discussion about training and suggestions to help me progress with the running. I told him I was working on doing a 5K, and eventually, I surprised myself when I said, out loud, that I wanted to do a half marathon. I ran the Arizona Rock n’ Roll Half Marathon in Phoenix in January 2014 and finished in my goal time of 2:30! Like the weight loss, small series of baby steps is getting me to my running goals.

One of my favorite things about running is interacting with the “community” of runners.  I love making connections with people and everyone has such an interesting story behind how they got started.  It is very much an individual sport – and a great time to spend time with your thoughts, etc. – but it also provides such neat opportunities to meet people.

When I read about the “From Fat to Finish Line” Ragnar team, I couldn’t stop thinking about how cool that was. I am beyond excited to have the opportunity to run with this SoCal Ragnar team, "From Strangers to Sole Mates".  This weight loss journey has been incredible so far and allowed me to experience so many new adventures – this one will be at the top of the list!

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Martha writes a blog about her weight loss, maintenance, and running at Opifast Mom. 

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