237 Days

This is a really difficult post to write. I want to ignore it, and pretend it didn't happen, but I know that a lot of you enjoy reading my blog because of my honesty (particularly when I'm honest about difficult times through weight loss/maintenance).

I binged yesterday. I ruined my 237-day binge-free streak.

I'm trying really hard not to beat myself up about it, but I'm just so angry with myself and disappointed that I let it happen. It was like a perfect storm of events--my kids were spending the night with my parents, and Jerry had to work all night. Just before he left for work, we got in an argument, and then he had to leave. The argument was over something really stupid, and I knew he'd call me when he got to work and we'd apologize, and everything would be fine.

Instead, I just wanted to eat out of anger. You know that expression, "Don't cut off your nose to spite your face?" Well, I was mad at Jerry, and a binge almost felt like I was getting back at him somehow (which I know is stupid, because I'm the one that has to deal with the consequences). I'm not at all blaming the argument for the binge, because we've argued many times over the past 237 days, and I managed not to binge because of it.

Like I said, I'm trying to just let it be, and not beat myself up over it. I'm starting a new binge-free streak today, and I'm going to do my best to make it longer than 237 days. I got on the scale this morning, just like normal. I know that weighing every day isn't the best idea for everyone, but when I start to avoid the scale, my weight goes up FAST because it's so easy to ignore the consequences of poor eating. My weight was up to 136 today, which I know is mostly water weight, but it was still pretty sobering to see that number.

I know that if I get right back on track, I can be back down to 133 or so in a few days. Because I'm over my "panic weight" of 135, I switched my Weight Watchers settings to "weight loss mode" instead of maintenance. So now my daily PP target is 26 instead of 32. I'll keep it there until I get back down to about 131-132.

I'm really determined not to let yesterday's binge become a defining moment of gaining back the weight. I will not let it turn into another binge, or "just one more day" of bad eating. And, as much as I want to pretend it didn't happen, I'm not going to lie to myself either. It happened, it's over, and now I can go back to the norm.

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This morning, the cats woke me up (wanting their breakfast) at 6:00, and I couldn't go back to sleep. Lately, I've been eating breakfast, drinking tea, checking e-mail, and some other stuff before running, but I had the urge to run first thing today. It was light outside already (the bonus to springtime), so I ran outside.

Today, I was going to try and get my heart rate to Zone 4 (156-172 bpm).

I figured this would be about an 8:30/mi pace. I was surprised just how difficult it was to get my heart rate up that high! My legs and lungs told me I was working hard, but my heart rate was right around 152-154 most of the run. This heart rate training is pretty interesting!

While I was running (and thinking), I had an "Aha!" moment. I always gain 15 or so pounds during the summer, and then manage to take it off again in the fall. I assumed this was because my kids were home, and constantly bored or bickering, which is stressful.

July 2012

But I realized that's not actually the reason I gain. I tend to gain in the spring, and then I just hold onto it all summer. And the reason for this (my "Aha!" moment) is that in the spring, when the weather gets nice, I get a very carefree attitude. The nice weather makes me want to hang out on the back deck, with a beer or margarita, go get ice cream with the family (or by myself!), snack on chips and dip all day, etc. It's pretty hard to work all of that into a daily diet, and I get frustrated with having to count everything I eat; so then I start to think, "Well, normal people do this stuff. Normal people don't have to count everything, or measure food. I can do that, too."

 But I don't take into account the fact that I'm NOT a "normal, average person". I've lost 120+ pounds, and I'm maintaining that loss--most "normal" people haven't done that. So I can't eat the same way they do and expect the same results. My body works differently. Through trial and error over the last few years, I've learned that I have to measure and count my food to maintain my weight. I've tried "intuitive eating", but it leads to binge eating every single time.

So this time, when I find myself thinking that I don't have to count PointsPlus (or calories or whatever), I'm going to keep all of this in mind. Maybe I will actually be able to maintain my goal weight this spring and summer. I would love to experience summertime at my goal weight!

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The winner of the book giveaway "Honey, Do You Need A Ride?" by Jennifer Graham is:

Congrats Crystal! I've sent you an e-mail. Hope you enjoy the book :)

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Food talk

A few days ago, Jerry and I decided to see if we could go the entire month of May without buying groceries. We have a ton of food in the pantry and freezer, and it would be nice to use some of it up. We agreed we could still buy milk and fresh fruits/veggies.

Yesterday, I ran out of English muffins (which I eat nearly every day), so I looked up a recipe for them online and made some. I used this recipe by Alton Brown, but instead of following his mixing instructions, I just put everything in my bread machine on the dough cycle. I didn't have shortening, so I used butter; and I used bread flour instead of all purpose. I didn't have any rings to pour the batter/dough into on the griddle, so I used aluminum foil to make some. They worked out really well!

It was hard to tell when to flip them, and you can see I flipped a couple of them too early, but the texture and flavor was fantastic. They have the little nooks and crannies that are characteristic of a good English muffin.. I am definitely going to continue making my own English muffins instead of buying them. These are really good, especially after toasting.

Last week, I stopped by this wholesale store that sells stuff from other stores that may have damaged packaging. You can buy dented boxes of cereal, or food that is close to it's sell by date, among other things, for pretty cheap. I like to stop in once in a while to see if there is anything good. Anyway, last week they had Fiber One products for 88 cents per box!

I know a lot of people can't stomach Fiber One stuff, but I love their Oats & Chocolate chewy bars and their Coconut Almond protein bars, so I picked up some of those. I also decided to try the chocolate chip cookie bars, the chocolate brownies, and the chocolate peanut butter brownies.

I've tried them over the past few days (each bar/brownie is only 2 PP), and I LOVE the cookies! I would definitely buy those again.

The brownies are just okay, but I don't think I'd buy them again. They reminded me of those Snackwell's devil's food cookies, which make me think of the old early-90's diet days. But the cookie bars are really good!

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Ever since my Oscars party, when I made the red pepper and feta dip, I've been craving more roasted red peppers. I bought a couple of jars a while ago, and they've been sitting in my pantry, because I wasn't sure what to do with them.

My boys were at my parents' house today for dinner, so I made dinner for just Jerry and me, and decided to use the red peppers. I turned them into a pasta sauce, and the pasta dish was SO good. It was the perfect way to use them! I posted the recipe on my recipes blog, and you can find it here.

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The mail just showed up with my latest David's Tea order--check out this flavor!! I'm super excited to try it :)

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RECIPE: Roasted Red Pepper and Feta Pasta

I love the combination of roasted red peppers and feta cheese. I had a couple of jars of red peppers in my pantry, and some feta in my fridge, so I turned them into a simple, yummy sauce for pasta. Jerry and I both loved this dish! The red pepper flakes make it a little spicy, and it goes really well with the sweet roasted peppers. This is written for two main dish servings, but you could easily double it.

Here is a printer-friendly version!

Red Pepper & Feta Pasta

6 oz. dry pasta
2 tsp. olive oil
1 small onion, chopped fine
1 tsp. minced garlic
1 (12 oz) jar of roasted red peppers
1/4 cup heavy cream or half & half
salt and pepper to taste
1/4 tsp. crushed red pepper flakes
2 oz. feta cheese

Cook pasta according to package directions. Meanwhile, heat oil in a small pot over medium heat. Add the onions and garlic, and cook until softened, a few minutes. Drain the roasted pepper and add them to the pot, along with the half and half.

Use an immersion blender to puree (or put everything in a food processor or blender, puree, and then put back in the pot). Add salt and pepper to taste, and the crushed red pepper flakes.

Let the pepper mixture simmer for a minute, and then stir in the feta cheese and cooked pasta, and toss to coat.  Makes 2 servings (approximately 1-1/4 cups per serving, depending on the shape of pasta used).

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Kittens and ice cream and an evening stroll

So right after I posted about Eli losing his tooth a couple of days ago, he came into the living room just before bed and told me that his other bottom front tooth was wiggly. I wiggled it, and said, "Do you want me to try and pull this one, too?" He said yes, so I wiggled it kind of hard and heard a pop--then I just pulled it right out!

Eli has been wanting to lose his first tooth for a couple of YEARS now, and then he went and lost TWO teeth within a matter of hours. Now Noah is missing his top two teeth, and Eli is missing his bottom two.

When Eli went to school, he got his name on the tooth chart, which he was really excited about. The teacher has a chart to keep track of how many teeth each kid has lost, and Eli was the only one NOT on the chart.

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Last night, my friend Sarah was on the news to share her story about having melanoma! May is National Skin Cancer Awareness Month, and I'm really glad that Sarah got to share her story. Like most people, she thought that it couldn't (or wouldn't) happen to her.

The lovely Sarah

Melanoma is the deadliest of skin cancers, and Sarah's started as what she thought was "just a mole" on her calf. It had spread to her lymph nodes before she was even diagnosed (she was diagnosed with stage 3C, which is pretty far along). She had to have a large part of her calf removed, as well as lymph nodes, and is just starting to walk again. Unfortunately, she's still not in the clear, however.

I ignorantly used to think of melanoma as "just skin cancer", and I had no idea how deadly it was until Sarah was diagnosed. Now I am extra cautious about being in the sun (I stay out of the sun as much as possible, and wear sunscreen when I run or have to be in the sun). Jerry had a couple of spots on his skin that were a little odd, and a couple of years ago, I would have just thought, "Oh, it's nothing." But after seeing what Sarah has gone through, I urged him to go to the dermatologist immediately, to get it checked out. Thankfully, his biopsies were normal.

This Monday is "Melanoma Monday", a day dedicated to raising awareness about melanoma. To show your support in raising awareness, the American Academy of Dermatology encourages everyone to wear orange on the first Monday in May (the 6th). On their website, you can also find a free skin cancer screening in your area, so there is no excuse not to get those spots checked out.

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Today was my long run day, and after running outside yesterday, I decided to run on the treadmill today. I am not a baby about running in the cold, or the rain, or the snow--but I HATE running in the heat! Yesterday, it was 65 when I was running, which I know most people don't consider "hot", but to me it is. This morning, it was 67, and I decided to do the treadmill.

My sister sent me a text saying that she ran 11 miles this morning! She's running her first half-marathon in two weeks in Rockford, IL (any of my readers running there?). She just started running at the end of last year, in order to train for and run my Virtual 5K in January. I am so excited that she kept at it, and is up to 11 miles now!

After reading her text, I quit procrastinating and got on the treadmill. I decided to run through two full episodes of Sons of Anarchy, regardless of how far that was. I also decided to try and keep my heart rate below 145. For some reason, I was thinking 145 was my maximum for Zone 3--I later learned I was wrong ;)

This app is called HR Zones, free from Runner's Ally

After the whole run, my average pace was 9:00/mi, and I kept my heart rate below 145. It was kind of fun to focus more on my heart rate than on my pace. Now that I've completed my goal races, I feel like I need something else to focus on, so I think I may try heart rate training, just for something different. I would basically be doing the same type of running schedule I'm doing now, only trying to stay within certain heart rate zones (rather than certain paces) for each run.

For my long run treat, I decided to take the whole fam with me to a local dairy farm for ice cream after dinner. They make their own ice cream on site, and it's delicious! I got a single scoop (we'll pretend that she actually gave me a single, because, well, just look at the size of it!) of half Maple Nut and half Cake Batter ice cream. Mmmm, so good.

We looked around at the animals, and I realized that this is the best time of year to go to the farm--there were baby animals everywhere! The baby goats were the cutest things I'd ever seen. It was impossible to get a good picture of them, but see how tiny? They were smaller than my cats! And they were chasing around a chicken.

There were four kittens hanging out in the goat area, playing together. They were so adorable!

On the way home, I was feeling pretty full from the ice cream, and it was so nice outside, that I told Jerry to drop me off when we were three miles from home. He said he felt so guilty just stopping the car and letting me out, but I wanted to walk. The sun was setting and it was gorgeous!

I never really took note of just how fast I walk, but I've been using the Map My Walk app on my phone when I go out for a stroll, and I'm pretty fast! Today, my average pace was 13:13/mi. When I first started RUNNING, my pace wasn't even that fast. It's interesting to see how far I've come in just a few years' time. I would NEVER have asked Jerry to drop me off three miles from home, that's for sure!

Today was a great day--kittens and ice cream and an evening stroll. Now I'm going to complete it with a glass of red wine :)

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Honey, Do You Need a Ride? (Book review and giveaway)

For someone who doesn't read much, I've been reading quite a bit lately--I actually accepted three different books for review, because they ALL sounded interesting to me. So this is the second one...

(When I received the book in the mail, I was a little stunned to see the cover--it looked like someone had stolen MY cover of a book I haven't even finished yet!) ;)

The book is titled "Honey, Do You Need a Ride? Confessions of a Fat Runner", and is written by Jennifer Graham. I have to admit, the title alone made me want to read it! I was a fat runner when I first started, so I thought it would be fun to read about someone else's point of view.

This book looked like it was made for me to read, so I was excited to get started. The book is light-hearted and funny, but Graham is very honest about some more serious issues, like her low self-esteem throughout her life. I enjoyed the little sarcastic or funny comments, and could definitely relate to the self-esteem issues.

One thing that surprised me right off the bat was that Graham calls herself a "fat runner" at 153 pounds (her weight bounces around from 150 ish to 200 ish, but I got the impression that she was around 180 for most of the book). The word "fat" is all relative to the individual. When I was 253 pounds, 153 was SKINNY. But to someone who has never been overweight, and maybe has weighed 110 her whole life, 153 would sound fat. It just depends on the person, and at the end of the book, Graham discusses this at length. She says she got a lot of flack on message boards for an article she'd written, calling herself a "fat runner"; but she's right, the book wouldn't have the same ring to it if it were called "Confessions of a Moderately Overweight Runner". 

I could relate to Graham in a lot of ways, both with the weight issues and the running; some serious issues and some humorous issues. On the serious side, Graham had low self-esteem, and when she would see a group of people laugh or whisper, she assumed they were laughing or whispering about her. On the humorous side, it was fun reading about her trial and error with clothing choices for running, because I went through it all, too. And she has some very entertaining stories of things she's experienced over the years of running.

I loved her analogy of there being three lines in a runner's mind--a starting line, a finish line, and the "Never-Going-Back-to-My-Old-Life" line. Once you cross that line, she writes, you won't stop running until you're "in jail, vegetative, or dead". I think this is very true! Running is addictive, but it takes crossing that line to get to the addiction. It took me about six months or so of regular running to cross that line. But now I feel like I'm a runner for life--I can't even imagine NOT running!

Throughout the book, Graham makes references to the stereotypical runner, which she calls a "Shirtless Wonder" (skinny and arrogant), and I thought it was a little insulting at first; but to be honest, I had those same thoughts when I first started running, too. I had a certain image in my head of what a runner was like (skinny and arrogant). I later learned that I was completely wrong about that--runners are some of the friendliest people I know! Graham realized it, too, and wrote that the problem wasn't with the runners, but with her--her insecurities, her attitude, her sensitivity.

The one part of the book I certainly could have done without was when Graham writes about her running coach, who is actually imaginary (an elite runner who died years ago). She has imaginary conversations with him, which I thought was a little corny, but thankfully, it wasn't a huge part of the book.

Graham lives in Boston, along the route of the Boston Marathon, and I read this book before the tragedy happened this year. I was thinking how much fun it would be to live there and watch the race from your own front yard. The fact that her street is part of the race route was a huge selling point to her when she moved there. She watches the race every year, and has a couple of great stories to tell about the race. When the bombing happened at this year's race, I immediately thought of Graham.

Graham with her pet donkeys (yes, donkeys!)

I wish I could write a simple summary of the plot of this book, but I'm not really sure I know how to describe what it's about. Basically, an average woman (mother of four) writes about her experiences as a middle-of-the-pack runner. She writes it in an entertaining and humorous way, and I would bet that most runners could relate to at least some of it. It was refreshing to read a book about running from this point of view, rather than an elite runner writing about improving your "slow" marathon time of 2:50 ;)

This book is a great read for someone who wants to run, but thinks it's just for skinny people, or fast people. Graham makes running seem desirable for everyone, no matter their weight or speed. If you're looking for motivation to get started, she definitely delivers. And if you're an experienced runner, you will still enjoy the entertaining stories she has to tell.

Hedges Virtual Book Tours is allowing me to give away a copy of "Honey, Do You Need a Ride? Confessions of a Fat Runner" to check out for yourself! To enter, just fill out the form with your name and e-mail address below. I will pick a winner (by random draw) on May 5th at 8:00 AM EST. (By the way, if you are a blogger and interested in reading books for review, there is a form on the website where you can apply).

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Guest post by Katie W: "I Kept Running"

On Motivational Monday, when Katie posted a comment on Facebook about her recent 10K race, I just had to hear the whole story. I asked her to write a guest post, so she could share it with all of us. This is a pretty long post, but I didn't want to edit anything out, because I think that it tells a great story! Prepare to be inspired...

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When Katie asked me if I’d be willing to write a race report for my first 10k, I immediately agreed. Just ask a couple of my students who witnessed me having a minor freak-out at my desk when I read the email. :)

As I write this I am lying in bed covered in IcyHot from the waist down and listening to my neighbor try his darndest to sing like Taylor Swift: “Weeeee….ah nebeh ebeh ebeh ebeh….getteeen bahck togetheh!” Let me give you a little background story on how I got here, because without it I can’t fully express what this 10k meant to me.

I have been heavy my entire life. However, I played year-round sports all through grade school, and I was pretty fit and strong for being as overweight as I was. In college I started dating a guy, but the relationship grew into emotionally abusive codependence pretty quickly.

I am a Christian, and looking back on that year I realize that I found my identity in being HIS girlfriend, not in Christ. I felt guilty all the time, and I turned to food for comfort to ease that guilt. My boyfriend, an ex-ROTC member, was alarmed by my weight gain, and tried to get me to run with him for a bit. However, running was literally my nightmare.

It made me come face to face with the fact that I had eaten myself to a point of physical exhaustion and sickness. I couldn’t keep up, I struggled to breathe, and his ROTC-drill sergeant encouragement tactics didn’t exactly make me feel inspired. Running meant frustration, failure, and fighting with him.

By the time we broke up one year later, I was nearly 100 pounds heavier and very much hated myself. The things he told me replayed in my head, “I don’t think you’re beautiful anymore,” “I thought if I loved you then you would lose weight and become the diamond in the rough. All the other guys would be jealous of me because I had you. But I guess I was wrong,” “I find you repulsive.”

Yeah…nice guy. And I believed him.

I left that relationship with a lot of scars (the most notable one being from a python bite…but that’s another story for another day). In the four years that followed I slowly went through the healing process, trying to ignore the lies he had told me and fighting a losing battle with my deeply entrenched emotional eating habits. During those four years I lost a grand total of seven pounds.

I graduated college in 2011, and eight days later I was on a plane and moving to Spain for my dream job: student development for a study abroad program in the enchanting city of Sevilla.

Living alone in a foreign country definitely led me to change my habits. Without a car, I adapted to walking everywhere or utilizing my citywide bike rental subscription. I started buying my own food from the fresh market across the street and learned how to make tasty local dishes with olive oil, lean meats, and lots of vegetables.

In my first year living abroad I eventually came to a wonderful revelation that has changed my entire life: I can’t always control my circumstances or what happens to me, but I can control and choose how I respond. I was tired of playing the victim, and I was going to choose to stop.

So I faced my fears and decided to prove to myself that I could do hard things. I started running and counting calories. Just now as I wrote that, I was quite tempted to put it in quotation marks, like this: I started “running.” But that’s not true.

The moment I ran, I was a runner.

Not a “runner,” not a faker. Even though it meant only running slowly for 30 seconds at a time and walking for five minutes, dreading the next 30 second round of running. Eventually, 30 seconds became 1 minute became 2 minutes became 4. I remember the first time I ran for 10 minutes without stopping and the first time I ran a mile, about four months after my first 30 second run.

I did a couple run/walk Color Run 5ks during my build-up to a mile, and one month after running my first mile I decided to do another 5k, setting the goal of running the entire thing.

Run the entire thing was exactly what I did. Now, I would like to be able to tell you that I felt like I flew through the entire thing without so much as thinking about stopping, that when I crossed the finish line I was crowned as “Best Runner” and handed a puppy and waved majestically as people cheered me on in my great personal victory.

What actually happened is that at 220 pounds I ran the entire thing very, VERY slowly (people power-walking were passing me), I wanted to stop every 10 seconds, I had no one in the crowd there to cheer for me, and after I crossed the finish line I threw up on a gypsy and was cursed in Romanian. True story.

Fast-forward a few months to February 2013. I was having a one-on-one with a student who brought up wanting to do a race, and I mentioned a 10k circuit that was coming up in April. And just like that, I started training for my first 10k. Six point freaking two miles.

The longest distance I had ever run at that point was the 5k race, and my weekly runs were averaging about 1.5 miles. So I got a little help from the internet and constructed a 10-week training plan. I worked up to about 3.5 miles, and then I got sick.

For two weeks I couldn’t run, and when I did start running again I was back down to 2.5 miles and still very slow. I managed to run the farthest I had ever run, which was 4 miles in one hour (see, told you I’m slow!) a couple weeks ago. And then race day arrived.

The morning of the race, I got dressed and hopped a bus to the other side of the city to the start line. I met up with a group of my students who were also doing the race. We warmed up and stretched together and then took our places in the starting mob of about 5,000 people. Some of the girls in my group are college athletes, and they went ahead to follow the 50:00 pacer. I stayed back as I knew I would be in the second half of the finishers for sure. Then we started the push forward.

Within the first two minutes everyone passed me. Literally EVERYONE. Including the poor folks who were in the porta-potties when the race started and came frantically barreling past me.

“Well,” I thought, “yay for self-esteem!” It was quite disheartening to realize that I would be running this race alone as the pack got further and further away, but I settled into the pace that I knew was good for me and that I could keep up until the finish. I kept reminding myself over and over that I hadn’t signed up for the race to beat anyone or to place but rather to prove to myself that I could do it.

And so I kept running.

Running alone, I pushed over to the side and followed the orange cones down the middle of the closed streets. Around the first km mark, I saw the final pace car creeping past me out of the corner of my eye. I thought about pushing harder to keep up with it, but I knew it would only exhaust me and keep me from accomplishing my goal. Besides, as a rule of thumb, I never race against anything with an engine. ;)

Then a couple minutes later, the police escort rolled slowly by on his motorcycle. Then one ambulance. Then another ambulance. And finally a city bus, used to pick up anyone who gave up in the middle of the race.

Two thoughts crossed my mind when that bus passed me. 1) There is no way on EARTH I am getting on that bus of my own will or volition. 2) Can’t give up now, because the only thing that can carry you to the finish line now is your own two feet! And so I kept running.

I passed a race volunteer, who clapped slowly and stared at me with pity as I came along about 5 minutes behind the rest of the racers. And then I started to cry. I sniffled and choked back tears and turned up my music really loud. I forced myself to stop crying because it was interfering with my breathing, and I had already come too far to let my own body quit on me.

I had just managed to calm myself down and find my rhythm again when a policeman on a motorcycle approached me and told me they were opening the roads back up, so I would have to run on the sidewalk. After he left I started crying again, and the cycle of calming myself down repeated itself.

But I kept running.

Traffic started to flow again, and I watched in dismay as they started picking up the cones marking the race route! I was angry. I had just as much right as everyone else who trained for and paid for this race to be able to do my best and finish it!

I understood that the roads could only stay closed for so long, but it felt as if they were sending me the message that because I was so slow I wasn’t worth it. That I wasn’t a real athlete or a real runner because I had been left in the dust. And I had to keep telling myself with every step that that simply wasn’t true. I couldn’t control what was happening to me, but I could choose to respond with one determined step after another.

And so I kept running, never stopping.

Eventually, there were no more cones and I relied on people standing on street corners to tell me which way the running mob of 5,000 people had gone before me. Most looked at me with expressions somewhere between confusion and pity. I ignored it.

Last summer I started running with music because I got tired of the rude comments and whispers of pity about the fat girl plodding along, and I wasn’t about to let people who have no investment in my life define it for me.

I kept running.

Around the 5k mark I came upon the water station…being torn down. Shortly thereafter, a race volunteer stopped me and asked me incredulously if I was in the race. I looked down at my bib and then up at him and said, “Yes.” He asked me, concerned, “Where is the ambulance? They should be right behind you!”

I told him that they had left me behind a long time ago, and promptly started to cry again. That sweet man called the impatient ambulance drivers a few choice names, and I felt so relieved that someone felt indignant for me. He told me to keep running while he made a phone call and that he would catch up. I did what he said, and I kept running.

A couple minutes later he was by my side and fell into step with me. He told me they weren’t going to send anyone back for me, but he would run with me until the finish line. And of course I started to cry again, touched by this kind stranger. We continued making light, sporadic conversation for a while, and then he turned to me and asked if I knew where the race route was. I told him no, and he admitted that he also had no idea where we were supposed to be going.

So we just kept running!

A bit later we saw some cones on a corner, so we ran to those. From there, we saw cones up ahead, but we also saw cones on the corner to our right. The man said that the sports center and the finish line were up ahead further and just to the right, so we continued straight. When we got to the next set of cones, the trail went cold, but he said that he was pretty sure the sports center was across the bridge to our right.

So we crossed the bridge and saw the sports center up ahead. As we reached the road to turn into the final leg of the race, I saw a horde of runners coming in…from the other direction. My heart sank when I realized that I had missed a loop of the course somewhere and that crossing the finish line now would mean not completing the entire race.

I said all this aloud, and my running buddy simply said, “Finish strong. You cross that finish line with the rest of them because you deserve it.” And then he stopped running and disappeared from my side into the crowd before I even had the chance to say thank you or give him a hug.

Frustrated, angry, exhausted, and emotionally drained, I joined in the crowd of runners headed towards the finish line. As I did the loop around the stadium track, I heard my students cheering for me, but I couldn’t accept it. After all, I hadn’t done the full race.

As I turned the afterburners on for the finish line I felt like Fat Amy from Pitch Perfect when she tells the girls to leave the burrito behind her ear and she says, “It fuels my hate fire.” I put every tear cried during that race into those last 20 meters. When I crossed the finish line, my students congratulated me, but I didn’t feel proud. I felt cheated. I felt robbed of the experience.

When I got home I calculated that I had run a little more than 8 of the 10 km. Later in the day I Skyped with one of my friends, and I told her that I felt like I wanted to find the race organizers and tell them my entire story of how I used to be hurt and broken. How I used to think I wasn’t beautiful or worth loving because I was too fat and I had made myself that way.

How God redeemed me from that and showed me that I am worth it and that I have been deeply loved all along. How in the past year I have learned to nourish my body, built rock-hard running legs, lost 48 pounds, and covered lots of miles that less than a year ago would have been impossible for me.

To tell the race organizers that I may be slow, but I am a runner. I put the same effort into my 3-mile long runs as a marathon runner puts into his or her 20-mile long runs. Even when I could have stopped, even when the odds were against me, even when I felt humiliated, and even when I could no longer see where to go, I KEPT RUNNING.

As I write this from my bed, the pungent smell of IcyHot filling up my bedroom, my Spanish neighbor is still belting out poor attempts at pronouncing American pop songs. I now realize that all the things I wanted to tell the race organizers are my true victories from this race.

A year ago, had I experienced a similar situation, I would have quit. I would have found a city bus and gone home ashamed and defeated. Back then I wouldn’t have understood that I was simply making the choice to quit and that I would have been able to choose to keep going.

I would be lying if I said that this race didn’t leave me with a bad taste in my mouth, but that doesn’t matter. I am proud that I finished and that I did so despite the challenges I faced and the embarrassment I felt at being left behind. Ultimately it doesn’t matter that I was the slowest of 5,000. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t get to run the full 10 km just because someone else didn’t think my slow self was worth waiting for.

Regardless of what happens to me or how slow I go, I know I am worth it, and I will make a choice. I will choose to keep running. And I hope you choose the same.

Katie Wiggins is a 25 year-old Michigan native living in Spain and working in the study abroad field. She enjoys running, cooking, traveling, eating tapas, reading, spending time with college students, and practicing the fine art of siesta in her hammock. Katie also has a weakness for puppies. And gentlemen, she’s single. ;) You can follow her crazy life between two countries on her blog Beautiful Things Out of Spanish Dust.

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Tuesday catch-up

As soon as I got out of my sister's car after coming home from the race in Toledo, I discovered that I had forgotten my pillow at the hotel. I may be super cheap when it comes to my clothes, groceries, and household items, but I don't mess around with my bedding. I have a Tempur-Pedic mattress, 1000-thread count sheets, and nice, fluffy, goose down pillows. Bedding is a splurge for me. It certainly would have been cheaper to make the hour-long drive to go back and get my pillow, but I was sick of being in the car all day (from the relay and the drive home), so I just went to buy a new one.

After buying the brand new goose down pillow, I realized that I no longer had my pillowcase either--and that was $30 to replace! I opted not to get the pillowcase yet, so now we just have mismatched cases. What was originally a cheap $26/person stay at a hotel turned pretty expensive! But it is kind of nice to have a brand new pillow ;)

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Yesterday afternoon, the mailman dropped off a big box for me--the bridesmaid dress that I had bought (used) online. I was a little nervous, because what if it didn't fit like the one in the store had? Or what if it had stains that the seller didn't mention?

I opened up the box, and was relieved to see that it looked brand new! It wasn't wrinkled, there weren't any stains, it was the correct style number and color... perfect. The seller even threw in a matching jacket for free, which was really cool of her! I had Jerry zip me into the dress (I can't do it myself for some reason) and was thrilled to see that it fit perfectly. Best of all? The previous owner had it hemmed to her height (5'4", same as me) so the hem was perfect, too!

 I'm not wearing shoes in the pic, but I'll be wearing flats, so it'll fall just above floor-length. I still don't love the fact that I have to wear a strapless dress (I can already see myself tugging it up constantly), but at least I didn't have to spend $170 on it! If I had gotten it at David's Bridal, it would have been $170 (or $150 if I got it on sale) PLUS the cost to hem it ($60)... and I wouldn't have gotten the cute little jacket. But for this one, I paid $66 total, which included shipping. What a great deal! Hopefully I'll be able to sell it after the wedding, too.

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Last night at around 7:45, Jerry and I were just getting the kids ready for bed, when I saw a car go FLYING down our street. I was pissed, because the speed limit is 15 mph and there are always kids playing outside in the streets (we don't have sidewalks). I yelled, "REALLY?!" and Jerry said, "That was a police car..."

So we looked out the window and saw that the police car stopped right in front of our next door neighbor's house, jumped out the car, and plowed over some kid who looked about 18 years old. Then two more police cars showed up. He was lying in the grass, and they were patting him down, then they picked him up and arrested him.

A lot of the neighbors were outside, wondering what the heck was happening. The cars left shortly after, but then we saw a bunch of police searching for something in the woods across from our house. Jerry asked them if they were looking for something, and they said no, that everything was fine. He said, "Well, my kids play out here, is it still safe for them to play?" And they assured him it was taken care of.

After asking around with the neighbors, we discovered that there were two people in a car, fleeing from the police (according to the neighbor, they were drunk driving and they fled the scene of an accident). The police arrested the one in front of our neighbor's house, but they were still searching for the other person in the woods. This kind of stuff never happens around here--I don't think I've ever even seen someone get arrested before!

Naturally, my kids were super excited and wanted to go outside to watch all the commotion. The police were still looking an hour later. Jerry heard that they found him, though. I'm a little irritated that the police told us everything was "fine" and "taken care of", when they were still looking for someone.

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I was tempted not to run today, because it would be my sixth day of running in a row. Normally, I only run five days a week (Wednesdays and Saturdays are rest days); but I knew I'd be eating a lot on Saturday, so I did a very easy three miler on the treadmill that morning.

Anyway, the weather was super nice today--60 degrees and sunny, and it actually looked like spring. I wanted to take advantage of it, so I did my scheduled run. But I am definitely looking forward to a rest day tomorrow! I felt really fatigued today shortly after I started running, so it's definitely time for a break. I did get to wear a tank top for the first time this year (other than when I was in Florida, of course)...

Just wearing the bright yellow and running in the sunshine made it feel very spring-like. I think I'll have a glass of wine out on the back deck tonight--one of my favorite things to do in nice weather!

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With this gorgeous spring day, we decided to cook out on the grill. We had barbecued chicken and corn on the cob. Eli was eating his corn, then got VERY excited because his tooth was really loose! He's been SO excited to lose a tooth. He's the only one in his class who hadn't lost one, and he even asked the dentist to pull one out for him when he got his teeth cleaned ;)

Anyway, I told him we were going to pull that sucker out tonight, and I grabbed a paper towel to start wiggling it. Within 20 seconds, I heard a pop, and it fell right out! He was thrilled. Doesn't he look adorable?

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Oh, and I almost forgot! The winner of the book, Stranger Here, by Jen Larsen, is:

Congrats to Megan Mack! Hope you enjoy!

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Motivational Monday #13

I hope everyone had a great week! I had a rough morning, and I definitely needed a boost of positive energy today. Once again, you all came through with your super inspiring posts, so thank you!

I can't think of anything really noteable this week that I'm proud of. I did get right back on track yesterday after eating way too much on Saturday, so I am definitely happy about that. There were a couple of times this week that I wanted to binge for emotional reasons, and thankfully, I was able to get past that without a binge.

Anyway, let's get right to the good stuff... :)

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Amy just finished her first 5K after lost nearly 50 pounds! She is proud that she ran the whole way, never stopping or walking. She said she couldn't have done it without the support of her sister, who ran beside her.

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Connie has reached the 50-lbs lost mark of her journey to "move the mountain", as she calls her quest to lose 265 pounds. She's noticed quite a few changes, and not just in how she looks. She wrote a blog post about what 50 pounds gone feels like. It's hard to stay motivated with such a big task in front of you, but she is proof that mountains can be moved!

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Dean ran the Glass City 5K yesterday, shaving 25 seconds off of his previous time! If you read my race report yesterday, you know it was a very rainy race, so that was no easy task.

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Jennifer ran her first 5K. She was hoping to finish under 40 minutes, and ended up finishing in 36:41! She had a great race with great weather to match. Her daughter (in photo) asked her if she could get some running shoes so that she could run a race with her mom next time!

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Kara organized a run for Boston, and about 75 people showed up to give their support! They ran/walked/even biked a 5K. Kara ran hers, and even PR'ed!

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Katelyn ran her first half-marathon in 2:19:14! She said it downpoured the entire race, but she achieved her goal of running the whole distance without a walk break. She wrote, "I seriously could not be more proud of myself." Great job!

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Katie walked 5.5 km to Starbucks, and was so happy with herself that she treated herself to a 4 PP drink! (That's definitely my kind of motivation...)

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Laura ran her third half-marathon, and set a new PR! She's taken nearly 30 minutes off of her first half in 2010. She said the running had a nice side effect--she's down 40 pounds since October!

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Lisa ran a 10K and PR'ed, finishing in 55:07! (Look at that gorgeous weather--why couldn't Toledo have been that nice yesterday?) Way to go, Lisa!

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Margaret finished her half-marathon feeling strong, and took over an hour off of her previous time! While training, she raised $2700 for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. She ran in honor of a college student named Alex Nieves, who battled leukemia, and in honor of her Gramma May, who lost her battle with leukemia in 1998. (Here is her race report)

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Michelle ran her third half-marathon in 35 days, which qualified her for "Half Fanatics"--something she never thought possible! At her first 5K a couple of years ago, she saw someone wearing a "Half Fanatic" shirt, and thought it sounded crazy. But after training (and losing 60 pounds in the process) she completed it!

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Sarah finished her first half-marathon in under three hours. She had decided to set a lofty goal of completing a half-marathon, and she declared it on Facebook. Then she trained for it and finished! Oh, and did I mention she used to weigh over 300 pounds? ;) She lost almost half of her starting weight!

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Shannon is sporting a brand new bicep crease after completing her sixth week of the Insanity workouts! She's lost 10 pounds, can do multiple push-ups, hold planks, and complete an hour-long workout. She posted about it on her blog here.

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When I was reading through all the great comments on Facebook this morning, one really stuck out to me and I immediately e-mailed her to see if she'd be interested in writing a guest post about her experience. Check this out, and tell me it's not inspiring(!):

Yep, I just tried to read that out loud to Jerry and I couldn't even do that without crying! I can't wait to read her post all about it.

Here is a peak at some of the posts on Facebook. You can read the whole thing here.

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Glass City Marathon Relay race report

The marathon start time was 7:00 this morning, so I got out of bed at 5:10 to get ready. I was really unsure of what the weather was going to do, but ultimately decided to go with my Cold Gear running tights and a long sleeved black shirt. I had made sparkle skirts and headbands for the whole team, so I wore those as well.

I brought oatmeal with me to eat for breakfast this morning, and forgot to bring a spoon. Ty had a plastic knife with her, so I used that to eat my oatmeal (and it actually worked out pretty well). There was HUGE line of cars at the starting line, so we ended up dropping Ty (runner #1) off and then we went to the first exchange point to wait for her.

As soon as we dropped Ty off, it started raining. Awesome. The first exchange point was at a church, and they were super nice to allow us to use their bathrooms and wait inside if we wanted. When it was close to time for Ty to come through, we went to the exchange point, which was very crowded. There was no organization whatsoever for the relay teams, and it was hard to see the runners coming. Thankfully, we were all wearing the sparkle skirts, which made it much easier to spot our team members!

I was runner #2, so Ty passed me the belt we had to wear. The relay team members had to wear THREE bibs--one on back that says "RELAY", an individual bib on front, and then the person who was running had to wear a belt with another bib. Ridiculous.

I fumbled getting the belt on for a minute, but took off running. The first tenth of a mile or so was downhill, and I was scared I was going to slip and fall in the rain. I was running with some fast marathoners, which was a strange experience. Ty's pace was something like 9:00/mi, and I was running at about an 8:30/mi pace, so I was passing marathoners who were aiming for about a 3:45 finish time. If I was running the full distance, there is no way I would be passing them!

I won't name any names (ahem, Detroit Runner), but whoever told me that Glass City was pancake flat was totally lying. At least my section was really hilly! They weren't huge hills, but they were very noticeable.

For the first two miles, I was running an 8:30 pace, and I was just ahead of some guys that were talking really loudly (they were running the marathon). They were really annoying, talking about how they were irritated that the spectators weren't cheering when they went by (let me just say, I am SO grateful for all the spectators that showed up, despite the pouring rain!!). I couldn't stand listening to them any longer, so I decided to disregard my plan of running at a pretty easy pace, and try to get ahead to where I couldn't hear them anymore.

Shortly after that, I passed this big guy who was running the relay. As soon as I passed him, he made this grunting noise and obviously picked up speed to pass me. I was kind of humored by that, so I picked up my own speed and passed him again. And so it went for the next three miles.

He was getting kind of mad every time I passed him, which I thought was funny, and he became my rabbit for this race. I really wanted to beat him. With about a mile and a half to go, I gained quite a bit on him, and thought I'd lost him. Then with just one mile left, he came up and blew past me. I picked up my pace again, and was running about a 7:45/mi pace, but he must have been running about a 7:15/mi pace, and I couldn't catch him. Dammit!

When I got close to the exchange, I could see my teammates really easily because of the skirts, and I handed the belt to Debbie. I was pretty impressed with my time!

Debbie was super nervous about this race, even though we kept telling her that it was just for fun. She's done 5K's before, but this was the longest distance she'd have run (4.75 miles). The rest of us drove to the next exchange point, and waited for Debbie, which actually didn't take long. She was way ahead of the time she expected. She was SO adorable when she finished--she started crying and hugging Jeanie. This was probably my favorite moment of the race.

Debbie had handed the belt off to Jen, so we all piled back in the car and drove to the next exchange to wait. Jen finished faster than she expected, too. And finally, Jen handed the belt off to Jeanie for the fifth and final leg.

Jeanie had written the race director to ask if we were allowed to cross the finish line as a team, and they said sure. So while Jeanie was running, Jen, Debbie, Ty, and I all went to the 26 mile marker to wait for her. The rain finally slowed to a drizzle just before Jeanie got there. When I saw her coming, I ran ahead to get a picture of her running, and then I hopped in to run alongside her and then the other girls joined in as well.

We moved over to the side of the road so that the few people behind us could pass us, and then we had a huge clearing of nobody behind us, so we ran together across the football field through the finish line, holding hands. It was awesome that it worked out so well! If someone had been behind us, we wouldn't have done that, but it was great timing.

We finished in 4:25:14, a 10:08/mi pace--not bad at all! We were predicting 5 hours, so we were surprised to finish much sooner, but all of us ran faster than we thought we would. After we got our medals, we took a team picture:

Jen, Jeanie (my sister), me, Debbie, and Ty

The race was SO fun! The only downer was the rain (it poured rain through the ENTIRE race), but we still had a blast. It was almost like a mini Ragnar Relay.

I think that a relay like this is the perfect way for a new runner to experience a race, too. Since your time is collective as a team, rather than individual runners, there is no pressure at all to aim for a certain pace. It's all about fun! And you have a personal cheerleading team waiting for you at the end of your leg ;)

I'm really glad that I got my sub-2 half-marathon a couple of weeks ago at the Martian race, because this course would have been really difficult to get that time. Most of my leg was through the woods on a tiny trail, and I couldn't pass people, which was frustrating. But other than that, I enjoyed the course (everyone else said they did, too), and I would definitely do it again next year! Hopefully with better weather, of course.

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