RECIPE: Cookie Dough Hummus

I made this awesome recipe on Sunday, and again today. I'm SHOCKED at how good it is!!  It's hummus that really does taste (and look) like cookie dough. (The few people I had try it didn't know that it was hummus until I told them--they were just as surprised. I ate it with pretzels, which was awesome, and then for dessert today I had it with a chocolate Vitatop. Heavenly!

I made it as follows:

1 can of chick peas, drained AND peeled (takes a little time, but worth it!)
1/4 cup natural peanut butter
6 Tbsp. pure maple syrup
1 1/2 tsp. vanilla
pinch of salt
1/4 cup chocolate chips

Blend all ingredients except chocolate chips in a food processor until very smooth. Then fold in the chocolate chips. (Makes 8 servings. Per serving:  139 calories, 5 grams fat, 3 grams fiber, 20 grams carbs, 4 grams protein)

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I skipped my run today. I hurt my back REALLY badly yesterday. My little brother came over to get a dining set from me, and I helped him carry the table to his truck. As soon as I set it down, I felt this horrible shooting pain through my back. It was so bad that I gasped and cried, and then basically couldn't move at all.

I almost went to the ER when I remembered that I had some muscle relaxers, so I decided to try one of those. It helped enough to make me stop crying out in pain every time I moved, but I figured I'd better take it easy.

I checked with my doctor (Google) and I'm sure it was a back spasm. Doesn't sound like much, but it hurt like a bitch! So I didn't run today, and I'll see how I feel tomorrow.

I don't feel like typing out my whole food journal today, but I had 1365 calories.

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Whiskey Sour

I had such a fun time at the wedding last night!  Our friends Eric and Maris got married. My parents took our kids in the morning, and kept them overnight. Jerry and I got ready for the wedding and then went to the ceremony at 1:00.

It was a Catholic ceremony, which is loooong, but it was nice. Then we had a couple hours to kill before going to the reception, so we, along with a large group of our friends, went to a local bar to have some drinks and greasy food.

These were all friends of mine from high school, and they are SO MUCH FUN. I always laugh so hard it hurts when I'm with them. I had two margaritas and a beer, half an order of onion rings and a couple of potato skins. Not great eating, but it could definitely be worse.

At 4:30, we headed over to the reception. Jerry told me that he'd be designated driver, so I got started right away on a whiskey sour. That was my drink of choice all evening. I'm normally a wine drinker, but at weddings I like to have whiskey sour. 

Dinner was really good--a chicken/pasta alfredo-like dish. Not too heavy though. I didn't eat much of it, because I had eaten so much at the bar. They had DELICIOUS cupcakes for dessert in lieu of a wedding cake. I had a carrot cake one and half a chocolate and half a red velvet (so 2 total, which is a lot, but you know I love my dessert!)

We were laughing that we were deliberately seated at the "special" table way in the back so that nobody would hear us. My friends get very goofy and loud, but they're so much fun!

After dinner, everyone started dancing, which I DON'T do. I never ever ever dance (I'm super shy) but lately I've been wanting to get over that fear and just do it. So after about 12 whiskey sours, I finally went out on the dance floor and danced along with everyone else. And I had a BLAST. We stayed and danced until the DJ was done at midnight. My feet were KILLING me after that, and we went home.

Joe, Eric (groom), Mike, Adam (in back), Jake, and Jerry (my husband)

Amber, me, and Julie

I'm feeling a little hungover today. I had a long run scheduled, and at 8:00 this morning, I went to the state park to run the 6 miles. After about a mile, I honestly didn't think I could even make it back to the car, let alone run all 6 miles. So I did 3 miles total and called it quits. My head was hurting, my stomach felt gross, and I felt dehydrated. Whoever the fuck decided to call Sundays the day for long runs obviously wasn't a weekend drinker! ;)  I like doing long runs on Thursdays.

I have to take the kids to a birthday party today... ugh.

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Oh, the horror

I bought a size 6 dress today. When I was losing weight, I was THRILLED when I could first fit into a 6. I felt on top of the world! And today, I felt completely defeated when I bought a 6.

I have a perfectly good size 4 dress that I had been planning on wearing to a wedding tomorrow, and low and behold, it no longer fits. I cannot zip it. Just a few months ago, it was TOO BIG to wear, and now it hangs in my closet (still brand new!) waiting to be worn.

My first pair of size 6 jeans... see how happy I was?!

When I was trying on dresses, I felt like such a big, fat, failure. I'm not at all complaining that a size 6 is fat--because it's certainly a great size to be!--but I was fooling myself into thinking that I was still a 4, and the pounds I've gained haven't really shown up or something.

And buying the 6 was like admitting my defeat. I just hope this isn't the start of me gaining back EVERY.POUND.I'VE.LOST.  I keep thinking that I'll never let that happen, but it IS HAPPENING. It's happening right now!

I really hope that today was my wake-up call. I know that the extra pounds are now very visible on my body, and I need to do something now. It's much easier to lose 10 or 20 pounds than it is to lose 125 pounds--which I know from experience.

I'm happy with the dress I bought, and I certainly hope that it looks good on me--err, that I look good in it, rather?  I'll make sure to take pictures. I have to wear a black shrug with it, to cover my upper arms. My arms are super saggy from the weight loss, and I don't think I'll ever be able to bare them in a cute strapless dress or even a tank top. I have so many body issues that did not go away with the weight loss--my saggy skin, blemishes, lumps and bumps.

Yeah, I'm feeling pretty "woken up" right now. Let's hope it lasts.

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Spring Training

In case you're wondering, I haven't forgotten my Blogger password to log in or anything--although that WOULD be a good excuse for not writing, huh? No, I've just not been doing so hot at counting calories, and I don't have much to write about. I *did* start Hal Higdon's Spring Training this week though.

Here is the schedule:

I'm kind of excited about it, because it involves a little bit of everything (hills, speedwork, Fartlek, races, long runs, etc). My biggest problem with training schedules is that I skip the strength training. I REALLY need to start doing it!  Anyway, so even though I've not been eating very well, I have still been running.

As for the stray cat... I took him to the vet a couple of days ago. Jerry and I were laughing so hard we almost peed our pants because we had to take Chandler (my 21-lb cat) to update his vaccines, along with the skin-and-bones stray cat for a look-over. I had explained on the phone about the stray.

So Jerry and I went in with the cats, him carrying Chandler and me carrying the stray. The woman asked which one was the stray, and Jerry and I laughed so hard we couldn't breathe. Um, Chandler is so fat that he looks like a beach ball with toothpick-legs sticking out. And the stray is so skinny you can see all his bones. Which would YOU think was the stray?!

I mean, honestly, does Chandler look like he's missed a single meal EVER?

Anyway, $150 later, I learned that he is, in fact, a neutered male, MUCH older than 4 years, with terrible teeth; he's negative for feline leukemia and FIV. And he needs a $250 tooth extraction. Ugh! We don't have the money to do that.

I know if I take this cat to the shelter, he'll be put down because nobody is going to adopt a cat that needs surgery right off the bat. And I've tried finding him a home, but with no luck. My kids have pretty much convinced me to keep him, and we've even named him Paolo. (We name our pets after Friends characters... see my About Me page for details on that!) Remember Rachel's boyfriend Paolo from the first season? That's where we got his name.

I just finished reading Ali Vincent's book "Believe It, Be It" and it was really lame. If you don't know her, she won The Biggest Loser a few seasons ago. I was hoping her book would offer some behind the scenes info from the show or at least more of an in-depth look into her life, but it was basically a re-cap of what you saw on TV that season.

Well obviously, I'm running out of things to write about. I'll TRY tomorrow, I REALLY will, to count my calories.

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Liar

I was still stressed out over the cat today (see previous post for that story).  I was trying to decide if we should keep it, and was going over the costs. I decided to check to see if she had a scar to indicate that she had been spayed. My other female cats both have small scars, so I knew what to look for. The cat was very open to letting me poke and prod her, and then I made a shocking discovery...

The cat is a MALE. A NEUTERED male.

Umm, are you serious?! Melissa (the woman who took the cat in for a short time) told me that she had brought the cat to the vet. The only thing she said about it was that the vet said it was a girl and she got her first set of vaccines (but no testing for FIV or feline leukemia, which I thought was strange, but didn't think much about it), and that the cat was "about 4 years old".

So once I discovered that the cat was a male, I was pissed--because Melissa flat-out LIED to me about going to the vet. Because honestly, what kind of vet couldn't tell whether the cat was male or female? My husband and I both agreed male (neutered), and just to be safe, I did some research online to look at photos and compare.

I have two spayed females and one neutered male, so I know a thing or two about their genitalia. I decided to check out the cat's teeth to determine age. Melissa had said 4. I opened the cat's mouth and he has no teeth on the bottom, and only a few on top. He looks like he has pretty bad dental disease, and the teeth that ARE there look chipped, yellow, and covered in tartar. Which means this cat is NOT 4 years old. From what I read online, I'd guess the cat is between 10 and 15 years old.

Who the fuck LIES about something so stupid?! Before I confront her, I'm going to take the cat to MY vet tomorrow (hopefully, if I can get in on short notice) just to confirm my findings. I wish I never had to speak to Melissa again, but she's going to be coaching my boys' t-ball team this summer, so I'll be seeing her often. My guess is that she discovered the cat's bad teeth and decided she didn't want to deal with vet bills, so she threw the cat outside, and he made his way back to my house (I live just about 1/2 mile from Melissa).

So anyways, I discovered that this cat has to be on a special diet as well--he cannot eat dry food (he tries, but it falls out of his mouth and he gives up). Which is why, I'm sure, that he's SO SKINNY. I have to mix some canned food with water to make it pretty liquidy for him to be able to eat it. This makes things hard on me, because my other 3 cats go NUTS for canned food--and I only give it to them as a treat once in a great while. I don't know how I'm going to handle this!

I had a severe craving for chocolate this evening. I so badly wanted to go get a Reese Cup Flurry from the ice cream place, but decided to make something here with what I had to work with. I cannot keep chocolate in the house, because I binge--not even chocolate chips. 

The only form of chocolate I have is cocoa powder. So I made a "fudge" (single serve!) and it was SO GOOD--and only 41 calories per piece (I made two pieces, because I was feeling extra chocolately). It's super dark and rich (if you don't like dark chocolate, don't bother with this) and it satisfies a chocolate craving really well.

Simply combine:
3 Tbsp. dark unsweetened cocoa powder
2 tsp. honey
dash of vanilla extract or almond extract (I bet coconut extract would be awesome!)
Enough water to bring it together (probably about 1/2 to 1 tsp)

Combine the ingredients in a small bowl. Add the water a very tiny amount at a time--you have to stir this for a long time to get all the cocoa moistened. You want a very very thick paste. Separate into two pieces and roll into balls. Place in the freezer for about 30 minutes until cold, then take out and EAT. I'll be making these often, and I may experiment with some coconut and peanut butter to make different varieties :)

My food log for today:

Breakfast-
oats with almond milk, 1/2 banana, chia seeds (216)
coffee x2 with coconut milk creamer (25)

Lunch-
toast with almond butter (131)
cottage cheese with canned pears (162)

Dinner-
cabbage casserole with millet (279)

Snacks-
fruit bar (65)
peanut butter cake-thing (146)
popcorn (225)
fudgesicle (35)
2 pieces fudge (82)

Exercise-
none (tomorrow starts my new training!)

TOTAL:  1366 calories

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Stray cat

I spent pretty much the whole day today trying to find a home for a stray cat. We found a beautiful Himalayan cat hiding out in our shed about a month ago. I assumed she belonged to someone because she looked well-fed, but when I picked her up, I was shocked at how skinny she was. She felt like a skeleton covered in long fur. I didn't bring her in my house, but I wrote a post on Facebook about her and asked if anyone wanted a cat.

See how beautiful she is?!

A mom from Eli's preschool (Melissa) said that she was looking for a cat, and decided to take her. I was so glad, because the cat was really sweet.

That was a month ago. Two nights ago, some kids knocked on my door holding the cat. They said "This is your cat, right? We found her down the road, and a dog was right by her, so we brought her here."  I said, "No, it's not my cat, but I know who she belongs to. Thanks for looking out for her." 

I put the cat in a cat carrier and called Melissa. She insisted that she didn't want the cat back, that the cat would rather be outside. I was kind of taken aback, like, "Okaaay, so what do I do?"  I was nervous about letting this cat loose in my house simply because I have 3 cats as it is, and I don't want them to get sick if the stray had some sort of disease. I felt awful, but I put the cat back outside, hoping it would run away and be gone in the morning.

Friday, I picked Eli up from school and the cat was waiting on our porch when we got home. We sat outside with her for a while, and I fed her. I was contemplating taking her to the animal shelter, but they closed at 4, and don't open again until Monday.

I let the cat in, against my better judgment, until bed time and then I put her back outside for the night. I put a blanket in the cat crate and put that outside for some shelter, and left food and water for her.  This morning, I opened the door and she darted out of the crate and into the house.

She's the SWEETEST cat. She's a total attention whore, and loves to be cuddled and petted. I think Melissa was making up the thing about the cat not wanting to stay in the house, because I cannot get the poor cat to go back outside now.

She doesn't look sick at all--her coat is beautiful, her eyes and ears look good, etc. But she's SO skinny. Anyway, today I was researching the cost of getting her spayed and her vaccines, and all that. I really wish we could keep her, but I feel like the 3 cats we have are too much sometimes--let alone having a fourth! 

I made another post on Facebook, and I'm hoping someone will want her. If not, I don't think I have the heart to take her to the shelter, so it looks like we'll be the owners of 4 cats.

Anyways, I promised a food journal today (and that I was going to count calories):

Breakfast-
oats with almond milk, 1/2 banana, chia seeds  (216)
2 cups of coffee with coconut creamer  (25)   <---I love the So Delicious coconut creamer! It's only 10 calories per Tbsp, and it is creamy... it doesn't turn your coffee that ugly gray color that skim milk does.

Lunch-
baked potato with cottage cheese  (235)

Dinner-
meatball stroganoff with whole wheat pasta  (441)
broiled asparagus  (46)

Snacks-
apple  (63)
almonds  (164)
string cheese  (60)
sugar free fudgsicle  (35)

Exercise-
none today

TOTAL:  1284 calories

I WILL post another food log tomorrow... hold me to it!!

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The Aftermath

I was finally going to write a blog yesterday, and then blogger was down... so I couldn't. But anyways, tomorrow morning it will have been one whole week since I ran my first half-marathon. I wasn't very sore--Sunday I felt fine, Monday my hips were a little sore, but after that I felt good. On Tuesday, I ran two miles to make sure my legs still worked, and they did :)

I've been feeling really shitty though as far as my sore throat and congestion. I kept feeling worse and worse all week long and today I woke up with a horrible ear ache.

I went to urgent care and I have a sinus infection and an ear infection. They gave me an injection of antibiotic, and script for antibiotic and decongestant. Hopefully I'll be back to normal by Monday.

Monday I'm starting a new running schedule. It's called "Spring Training", and you're supposed to start in March, but I'm not training for a particular race, so it'll be fine. I'll be running 6 days a week, which is way more than I'm used to, but they are shorter runs--3 miles here, a speed workout there, one long run of 6-8 miles per week... It actually looks pretty interesting.

My weight has been climbing and I sooo need to get it together NOW. I mentioned how I gained 8 pounds while on vacation the last week of April. Well, when I went to Indy, I ate and drank like crap--and when I got home, I got on the scale to see the damage... 159.5. ONE FIFTY FUCKING NINE POINT FIVE!

A lot of that was water retention, because today I was 150.5. But still... that's like 10 pounds gained in less than 3 weeks?  Not to mention I'm "overweight" again. I could definitely see the weight gain in my Indy photos.  I'm going back to counting calories tomorrow. I'm afraid to even wash my jeans for fear of them not fitting!

My friend Sarah is getting married in October, and I'm her matron of honor. I desperately want to get my weight back down before trying on bridesmaid dresses. Isn't it amazing how long it takes to lose weight and then how fast it comes back on?

I got the professional pictures from the race last weekend...

Crossing the finish line!  Chip time: 2:10:40

The rain came down on me for the last mile or so... see how wet I am?

Okay, starting tomorrow I'm going to post my food journal EVERY day--so please bug me about it if I don't! Because that means I'm not counting calories, and I know I need to count if I want to get this weight back off.

Oh! And in my first post, I promised an entry explaining how I got started running (a frequently asked question). I created a running page if you are interested. I posted my old race reports too.

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500 Festival Mini-Marathon 2011

I just got home from my fourth annual trip to Indianapolis for the half-marathon. I've walked it the past three years, and this year was my first year RUNNING it. It was fantastic!!  Hopefully I can remember all the details (there was a lot of drinking, haha).

Friday-

Eli had a Mother's Day tea party at school, so I wanted to make sure I could go to that before we left for Indy. I went to the tea party and Eli was adorable. He was so excited and proud of the things he'd made for me.

My mom picked him up at 11:30, and I left with Jerry (my husband), Renee, and Jessica (my friends) for Indy. The drive was about 4 1/2 hours, and we stopped a couple of times along the way for snacks. At one gas station, they were selling Cadbury Creme Eggs for 6 cents each!! I was tempted to buy all of them, but I only bought two.

Top: Cathy, me, Renee, Jessica. Bottom: Jerry, Brian, Jen

We arrived at the hotel and my brother Brian, my sister Jeanie, and her two friends Cathy and Jen were already there. Everyone had a drink in our hotel room while we waited to head to dinner. We had reservations at Buca di Beppo to load up on pasta for the race. Reservations were at 5, and we were seated right away. We had cheese bread, lasagna, fettuccine alfredo, ravioli, stuffed shells, manicotti... OH, it was SO good. Then we headed over to the Expo to pick up our packets.

Dinner at Buca di Beppo

I was kind of bummed to see that I had requested a medium shirt, when I really need a small, but I registered for this race almost a year ago, and I was a medium at the time. We walked around the Expo, and I bought a sticker for my car that says "13.1 miles 'cause I'm only half crazy". I noticed someone walking around in a Biggest Loser t-shirt and I recognized it to be Allen from season 8! I said hello, and asked if he was doing the race, etc. I told him about my weight loss and asked if I could get a picture with him. He was SUPER friendly.

After the Expo, we went back to the hotel. I was kind of wired and wanted to play some games or something, but everyone else just wanted to lie around and go to bed early. I sat in my sister's room and talked to her and her friends for a little while, then went to bed at around 11.

Saturday-

The alarm went off at 5:00 AM.  I went down and ate breakfast (oatmeal with raisins, canteloupe, muffin). Then I got dressed and tried to calm my nerves. I get nervous every year, even though I already know what to expect.

We took some pictures, then everyone headed down to the start area, which was directly in front of our hotel. I was in the Q corral (by myself--no one else from our group was starting there, and I planned to run alone). Jerry wasn't running, so he had all our stuff in a bag and he was going to go wait at the finish line.

My "gear" for the race. Jerry bought me the visor for Mother's Day :)

Jessica, me, and Renee pre-race

The back of my shirt

Everyone ready to run!

My sister, my brother, and me (pre-race)

I made small talk with a couple of people, turned on my Garmin, and waited for the start. Once the race started (at 7:33), it took me about 20 minutes to get to the actual starting line. This is the largest half-marathon in the country, with 35,000 racers--and being in Q, I was pretty far back there. It's organized by estimated finish time, and when I registered, I had estimated my finish to be 2:30.

Once the race started, I started running at a pretty slow pace. There were so many people that I had to dodge people constantly for the first mile or so. Right after the starting line, there was a girl in front of me that I was going to pass, because I saw her trying to TEXT AND RUN at the same fucking time. She wasn't watching where she was going, and then she fell--RIGHT in front of me, which almost caused me to go flying to the pavement as well. I was so mad that I wanted to kick her, but I dodged her and kept going. At the first mile marker is the zoo, and I saw an elephant watching us run by :)

I kept focusing on maintaining a steady pace, and I didn't want to worry too much about how slow I was going. I wanted to stay comfortable, so I just found a happy pace and went with it. At mile 6, we went onto the Indy 500 race track. The track looks so small on TV, but it is actually 2 1/2 miles around. It's the most boring part of the race, in my opinion. I saw a man wearing a Martian Marathon t-shirt and I told him I did the Martian 10k in March. He is from Windsor, and went to Indy for the race like I did.

There were tons of pit stops along the race (probably about every mile) but I hadn't stopped for water or Gatorade at all. At around mile 8, I had some water--I didn't realize it would be so hard to run and drink at the same time, and I wound up getting water all over my shirt right before I saw the photographers. So I'm interested to see how I look in the pics!

After mile 9, the rest of the miles went by kind of fast. I had water at mile 10, and then Gatorade at mile 11. Most people eat some sort of fuel, but I always feel fine without food or water up until about 10 miles, and after that, I just need a little water and I'm good to go. My legs started hurting about halfway through mile 12, but I still felt pretty strong.

When I finally hit mile 13, I saw the finish line and there were TONS of people cheering us on. I heard Renee yell my name, so I smiled and waved at her. I didn't see Jerry at all, and I actually slowed down a little to try and see him, but no luck. I think I was half smiling, half crying when I crossed the finish line. I felt emotional for a minute and was about to go into the ugly cry, and then I was over it. My finish time was 2:10:40. I got pic taken with my medal, then went to find Renee (who finished in 1:46) and Jerry.

My finishers medal

Finish time

I'm not thrilled with my time, but it's decent. A 9:59/mile pace. I'm definitely going to have to do some speedwork. My splits were as follows:

Mile 1- 10:31
Mile 2- 10:10
Mile 3- 10:06
Mile 4- 9:56
Mile 5- 9:54
Mile 6- 10:00
Mile 7- 9:47
Mile 8- 9:47
Mile 9- 9:59
Mile 10- 9:47
Mile 11- 9:37
Mile 12- 9:41
Mile 13- 9:23
Mile 0.1- 8:55

For the most part, I had negative splits, so I'm happy with that. My best mile was actually the 13th mile, which surprised me.

Renee found me and she said she had no clue where Jerry was. We went back to the finish line to watch everyone else finish. I saw Brian and Jen cross, which surprised me, because I thought for sure they would have finished before me. Their time was 2:19. We watched for Jessica, but didn't see her. We saw Jeanie and Cathy cross. Then someone found Jerry, who admitted he completely missed my crossing the finish line!

We went back to the hotel and met up with Jessica. I took a shower and had lunch at the food court in the mall next door. Then I drank almost a whole bottle of Kendall-Jackson Merlot (my favorite wine!) and relaxed.

After that, we went down to the hotel bar and had some drinks and snacks. Renee and Jessica ended up going out to a club to dance, which I wasn't interested in doing, so I stayed with everyone else.

We went to Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner--that's where you end up if you don't make reservations on time--and then finally went back to the hotel. I went to bed at around 10:30.

We walked to BWW and it poured rain on us

I couldn't sleep at all, and at 3:30 AM, Jessica and Renee finally came back to the hotel. They were being pretty loud, so I went in the other room to sleep. I could tell I was getting sick because my throat felt like I was swallowing razor blades.

Sunday-

I woke up at 8 this morning and packed up our stuff. My throat hurt so badly. Surprisingly, I wasn't sore from the run at all. My hips felt a little stiff, but that's it. We left the hotel at 10:30, and I got home at about 3 pm. I looked up my results online. My kids asked if I won, and I explained that I came in 11,890th place... hahaha.

Overall, it was a great weekend. I'm so excited to be a part of the cool kids club now that I've RUN a half-marathon! I'm super psyched for next year--I'm going to run it sub-2:00! ;)

I'll post the official race pictures when I get them.  Here are the pics!!

At the halfway point. The famous bricks on the Indy 500 track.

Finished! Chip time: 2:10:40

It poured rain the last mile or so. See how wet I am?

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Nostalgia and pressure

I haven't talked about this with anyone because it sounds kind of crazy. Certain triggers are bringing on nostalgic feelings from when I had my surgery in November. Most people (I'm assuming!) would have bad memories of fainting, severely breaking their jaw, spending 6 days in the hospital, enduring 2 surgeries, and having their jaws wired shut for 6 weeks...right?  MOST people would hate that memory!

However, something about those 8ish weeks made me feel really happy. Sure, it was cool to have lots of attention from my family, and to have people show genuine care about me. But that's not really what the nostalgia is for. It's very hard to explain. I'm starting to think that it's because I actually cared about something OTHER THAN my weight and my size and food. With my broken jaw, I had no choice but to occupy my mind with something else! I couldn't binge when I wanted to--it wasn't an option (well, unless I wanted to binge on Ensure!)

Left to right: my younger brother, Nathan; me; my sister, Jeanie; older brother, Brian; husband, Jerry.
(And obviously my two kids lying across us). This was the day I came home from the hospital.

Now, even with all the pain and recovery I went through, I get warm, happy feelings when I think about certain things--such as Spicy Carrot Bisque (my daily lunch during recovery), Oxycodone (my pain med), my black pajamas (my mom bought them for me when I was in the hospital), pumpkin smoothies (my sister made it for me for my Thanksgiving dinner), the corner of my sectional couch (where I spent 90% of my first week home), Lipton black tea (part of my meals in the hospital), a red blanket with sleeves (Jerry got it for me for Christmas), Dr. M (my surgeon who seemed to truly care about me), a little blue dress (my friend Sarah gave it to me at my lowest weight in December; it's a size 4 and it was actually too big to wear at the time).

My Thanksgiving dinner (pumpkin smoothie)

My hospital meals were all the same. Broth, juice, tea, popsicle, jello
(I couldn't eat the jello--too solid)

The black pajamas that my mom bought me

Thinking about all those things almost make me wish I could go back and do it all again (ridiculous, I know). It was almost like my whole life stopped and I didn't have to worry about taking care of the house, the kids, driving Eli to school, cooking dinner, paying bills, etc.

I didn't intend for this to be a "deep" post, but now that I'm writing about it, it makes me wonder if maybe I feel nostalgic because people were taking care of ME instead of the other way around. I always feel SO MUCH PRESSURE and STRESS about numerous things in my life--and honestly the main stressor is my weight loss.

Ever since so many people found me on Sparkpeople, I get e-mails and messages daily from people saying what an inspiration I am, and how I motivate them, etc. I feel like such a fraud! I'm completely honest in my blog here, but some (probably most) don't read my blog. They just see my before and after pictures and think that I figured it all out and now I'm living my dream.

When I broke my jaw and my life was pretty much put on hold, it was such a relief from all the pressure! Now, every time I put on a single pound, I feel like I'm letting down all the people who say I am an inspiration. I even told my husband that some days, I wish I hadn't lost the weight. When I was fat, nobody expected anything of me. Now, the odds are completely against me keeping all this weight off, and that is at the front of my mind every single day.

Well, I didn't want this to be a "poor me" kind of post at all--and I certainly didn't want to whine! I hope it didn't come across that way.

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Worst run EVER

Yesterday I did my last long run before my half-marathon next weekend. I was scheduled to do 12 miles. I mapped out the route before I went--drove to a park and left the car for an out and back run. My husband and kids went with me, and they played at the park while I did my run.

It was, by far, the WORST run I've ever had.

Maybe because I was on vacation and eating and drinking like shit all week? I don't know. My legs felt like lead, and right off the bat I was running a very slow pace of about 10:00/mi. I wanted to keep my heart rate between 158-160, but to get that rate, I had to run a slower and slower pace.

I only drank 16 oz of water before I left, because I hate feeling like I have to pee on a run. Normally, I hydrate really well the day before I run, but since I was riding home from Tennessee, I didn't drink much water Friday.

By mile 4 or 5, I was DYING for water. I was seriously looking at the side of the road for a bottle with some water in it. I had brought 4 dates with me to eat for fuel, but I've never eaten on a run before, so I wasn't sure how it would do in my stomach.

I reached mile 6 and turned around, and just when I got to mile 7, I was passing a bar/saloon. I was so thirsty that I didn't care how ridiculous I looked going in there to ask for water. I had no money with me, and when I stepped in the five men sitting at the bar stopped and stared. It was dead silent.

I said to the (female) bartender, "I'm so sorry to bother you, but could I trouble you for a small cup of water?" She looked pitifully at me and said, "How about a cold bottle of water?"  I told her I didn't have any money, and she told me not to worry about it. One of the men said that he was tired and thirsty just LOOKING at me. I gulped down the entire bottle and thanked her. I told her I'd be back with some money, and she assured me it wasn't necessary.

After that, my stomach started cramping REALLY badly. Have you ever heard of "runner's trots"? I've had it once or twice, but not in a long time. It's awful. My stomach hurt so badly. I kept shuffling along, wanting the stupid run to be over with. I was really tempted to stop and call my husband to come pick me up, but since this was my last long run before the race next weekend, I needed to prove to myself that I could do it.

I got to the park where the car was parked, and I had to circle the park one time in order to reach 12 miles. At the other end of the park, I just wanted to quit. I was 11 miles in, and didn't give a shit if I reached 12 or not.

I saw my husband start to drive toward me from the other end of the park, and I almost cried with relief. Then I realized he was just turning the car around and backing into the parking space to be ready to leave. At 11.6 miles, I realized I could keep going on the trail to reach the car and finish the 12 miles, or I could cut across the grass. I cut across the grass and reached the car at 11.7.

I was doubled over from the cramps in my stomach. We stopped at a gas station for some Gatorade (I thought maybe replenishing my electrolytes would help with the cramping).

Then we stopped at the saloon so I could give them a couple of dollars.  They insisted that they didn't want the money, and then told me to help myself to a bunch of bread and Entenmann's baked goods sitting on a table. There were probably about 30 loaves of bread, 5-6 cakes, and about 8 boxes of donuts (none of them were expired--they said a friend who works for a bread company had excess).

They insisted, and not wanting to be rude, I took a loaf of bread and a box of donuts for my kids. Totally unexpected, but pretty cool!

I got home and spent the whole afternoon in the bathroom. I don't know if it was dehydration or the dates I ate or what... but good GRIEF, it was miserable.  I'm worried about the half-marathon on Saturday. I don't know if I should bring any fuel with me or not. I will make sure to hydrate really well though.

Yesterday, as we were going on the door, my husband dropped my Sigg water bottle and put a huge dent in the side of it. I was kind of bummed, until I realized that I could design my own Sigg bottle on Cafe Press!  I browsed through all the running designs, and then decided to create my own. It was SUPER expensive, though. I paid $20 for my last Sigg bottle (at Target) and designing my own cost me $35 after shipping. Yikes! But I think it's cute.

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