Nostalgia and pressure

I haven't talked about this with anyone because it sounds kind of crazy. Certain triggers are bringing on nostalgic feelings from when I had my surgery in November. Most people (I'm assuming!) would have bad memories of fainting, severely breaking their jaw, spending 6 days in the hospital, enduring 2 surgeries, and having their jaws wired shut for 6 weeks...right?  MOST people would hate that memory!

However, something about those 8ish weeks made me feel really happy. Sure, it was cool to have lots of attention from my family, and to have people show genuine care about me. But that's not really what the nostalgia is for. It's very hard to explain. I'm starting to think that it's because I actually cared about something OTHER THAN my weight and my size and food. With my broken jaw, I had no choice but to occupy my mind with something else! I couldn't binge when I wanted to--it wasn't an option (well, unless I wanted to binge on Ensure!)

Left to right: my younger brother, Nathan; me; my sister, Jeanie; older brother, Brian; husband, Jerry.
(And obviously my two kids lying across us). This was the day I came home from the hospital.

Now, even with all the pain and recovery I went through, I get warm, happy feelings when I think about certain things--such as Spicy Carrot Bisque (my daily lunch during recovery), Oxycodone (my pain med), my black pajamas (my mom bought them for me when I was in the hospital), pumpkin smoothies (my sister made it for me for my Thanksgiving dinner), the corner of my sectional couch (where I spent 90% of my first week home), Lipton black tea (part of my meals in the hospital), a red blanket with sleeves (Jerry got it for me for Christmas), Dr. M (my surgeon who seemed to truly care about me), a little blue dress (my friend Sarah gave it to me at my lowest weight in December; it's a size 4 and it was actually too big to wear at the time).

My Thanksgiving dinner (pumpkin smoothie)

My hospital meals were all the same. Broth, juice, tea, popsicle, jello
(I couldn't eat the jello--too solid)

The black pajamas that my mom bought me

Thinking about all those things almost make me wish I could go back and do it all again (ridiculous, I know). It was almost like my whole life stopped and I didn't have to worry about taking care of the house, the kids, driving Eli to school, cooking dinner, paying bills, etc.

I didn't intend for this to be a "deep" post, but now that I'm writing about it, it makes me wonder if maybe I feel nostalgic because people were taking care of ME instead of the other way around. I always feel SO MUCH PRESSURE and STRESS about numerous things in my life--and honestly the main stressor is my weight loss.

Ever since so many people found me on Sparkpeople, I get e-mails and messages daily from people saying what an inspiration I am, and how I motivate them, etc. I feel like such a fraud! I'm completely honest in my blog here, but some (probably most) don't read my blog. They just see my before and after pictures and think that I figured it all out and now I'm living my dream.

When I broke my jaw and my life was pretty much put on hold, it was such a relief from all the pressure! Now, every time I put on a single pound, I feel like I'm letting down all the people who say I am an inspiration. I even told my husband that some days, I wish I hadn't lost the weight. When I was fat, nobody expected anything of me. Now, the odds are completely against me keeping all this weight off, and that is at the front of my mind every single day.

Well, I didn't want this to be a "poor me" kind of post at all--and I certainly didn't want to whine! I hope it didn't come across that way.

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Worst run EVER

Yesterday I did my last long run before my half-marathon next weekend. I was scheduled to do 12 miles. I mapped out the route before I went--drove to a park and left the car for an out and back run. My husband and kids went with me, and they played at the park while I did my run.

It was, by far, the WORST run I've ever had.

Maybe because I was on vacation and eating and drinking like shit all week? I don't know. My legs felt like lead, and right off the bat I was running a very slow pace of about 10:00/mi. I wanted to keep my heart rate between 158-160, but to get that rate, I had to run a slower and slower pace.

I only drank 16 oz of water before I left, because I hate feeling like I have to pee on a run. Normally, I hydrate really well the day before I run, but since I was riding home from Tennessee, I didn't drink much water Friday.

By mile 4 or 5, I was DYING for water. I was seriously looking at the side of the road for a bottle with some water in it. I had brought 4 dates with me to eat for fuel, but I've never eaten on a run before, so I wasn't sure how it would do in my stomach.

I reached mile 6 and turned around, and just when I got to mile 7, I was passing a bar/saloon. I was so thirsty that I didn't care how ridiculous I looked going in there to ask for water. I had no money with me, and when I stepped in the five men sitting at the bar stopped and stared. It was dead silent.

I said to the (female) bartender, "I'm so sorry to bother you, but could I trouble you for a small cup of water?" She looked pitifully at me and said, "How about a cold bottle of water?"  I told her I didn't have any money, and she told me not to worry about it. One of the men said that he was tired and thirsty just LOOKING at me. I gulped down the entire bottle and thanked her. I told her I'd be back with some money, and she assured me it wasn't necessary.

After that, my stomach started cramping REALLY badly. Have you ever heard of "runner's trots"? I've had it once or twice, but not in a long time. It's awful. My stomach hurt so badly. I kept shuffling along, wanting the stupid run to be over with. I was really tempted to stop and call my husband to come pick me up, but since this was my last long run before the race next weekend, I needed to prove to myself that I could do it.

I got to the park where the car was parked, and I had to circle the park one time in order to reach 12 miles. At the other end of the park, I just wanted to quit. I was 11 miles in, and didn't give a shit if I reached 12 or not.

I saw my husband start to drive toward me from the other end of the park, and I almost cried with relief. Then I realized he was just turning the car around and backing into the parking space to be ready to leave. At 11.6 miles, I realized I could keep going on the trail to reach the car and finish the 12 miles, or I could cut across the grass. I cut across the grass and reached the car at 11.7.

I was doubled over from the cramps in my stomach. We stopped at a gas station for some Gatorade (I thought maybe replenishing my electrolytes would help with the cramping).

Then we stopped at the saloon so I could give them a couple of dollars.  They insisted that they didn't want the money, and then told me to help myself to a bunch of bread and Entenmann's baked goods sitting on a table. There were probably about 30 loaves of bread, 5-6 cakes, and about 8 boxes of donuts (none of them were expired--they said a friend who works for a bread company had excess).

They insisted, and not wanting to be rude, I took a loaf of bread and a box of donuts for my kids. Totally unexpected, but pretty cool!

I got home and spent the whole afternoon in the bathroom. I don't know if it was dehydration or the dates I ate or what... but good GRIEF, it was miserable.  I'm worried about the half-marathon on Saturday. I don't know if I should bring any fuel with me or not. I will make sure to hydrate really well though.

Yesterday, as we were going on the door, my husband dropped my Sigg water bottle and put a huge dent in the side of it. I was kind of bummed, until I realized that I could design my own Sigg bottle on Cafe Press!  I browsed through all the running designs, and then decided to create my own. It was SUPER expensive, though. I paid $20 for my last Sigg bottle (at Target) and designing my own cost me $35 after shipping. Yikes! But I think it's cute.

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The vacation damage

OHMYLORD... I just stepped on the scale after my week-long vacation in Tennessee. It was NOT a nice number. In fact, this is the heaviest I've been since JULY 2010!  I was so very tempted not to write the number here, because it's horribly embarrassing.

But... it was 147.5.

Now, I know that gaining 8 pounds in the week I was in Tennessee means that it will probably come off quickly too. It's mostly water weight, blah blah blah. But the point is, that number puts me back in the "overweight" category for my BMI.

How I spent 90% of my vacation ;)

Was I surprised to see the number? Hahaha, not at all!  Once I got to the cabin, all of my good intentions went out the window. My dad (who is a total junk food-aholic) brought tons of candy bars, cookies, chips, dips, donuts, etc. to snack on.

I always used to hate donuts (even as a fat person, donuts just disgusted me). However, I tried a Krispy Kreme donut on vacation and it was delicious!! So I had about 5 of those over the course of the week.

I can't count the number of mini candy bars I ate. I drank 4 bottles of red wine (by myself--I'm the only wine drinker in my family). I probably had about 6 beers.

I had hamburgers, turkey dinner with a second helping, tons of chips and dip, a couple of bowls of ice cream, about 6 cookies, 2 pieces of pizza, loaded nachos... I can't remember what else. I didn't "binge", however--these things were all eaten throughout the week, sporadically throughout the day. My body is not used to eating that much junk, and of course it just packed on the 8 pounds in 7 days.  The exercise I got was a 3-mile and a 7-mile run. I also went for a few walks and there were TONS of stairs at our cabin.

On the 8-hour car ride home yesterday, I read Portia de Rossi's book called Unbearable Lightness. It was an AMAZING read for anyone that has disordered eating. I'm not bulimic or anorexic, but I AM a binge eater and I definitely have done my share of dieting (a form of disordered eating).

So much of her book really hit home for me. Reading that book really got me thinking about all the ups and downs--I'm either bingeing or dieting/restricting all the time. More than anything, I'd love to find balance in my life and my way of eating. To not binge and to not restrict. "Ordered" eating, instead of "disordered" eating.

And I'd like to live each day the way that I'd like to live forever. Each meal, even. I've been keeping that in mind now--when I want to eat, I ask myself, "Is this something that will help me maintain a healthy balance?" For some reason, that really resonated with me.

Anyway, that was my vacation damage. I'm going away again on Friday to Indianapolis for my first half-marathon. We'll be gone from Friday to Sunday. Thankfully, my dad isn't going, so I won't be loading up on junk! ;)  Last year, I actually lost weight when I was in Indy. Hopefully that will be the case again.

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Cade's Cove Run

My older brother, Brian, actually woke up at 6:00 this morning to go running with me at Cade's Cove! I was completely surprised, and I was actually hoping he'd sleep in so that I'd have an excuse not to go.

Cade's Cove is about one and a half hours from our cabin. I'd read some really great things about running there, and since I had to do a long run today, I figured it'd be a great place to go. But I'm on fucking VACATION, so I just wasn't "feeling" it. But since my brother woke up early to go with me, I didn't want to let him down.

My parents decided that they wanted to go too, just to sight-see. We arrived at Cade's Cove at around 8:45. Brian and I started running the 11-mile loop. The first mile was great.

Then I started running into hills... and I am NOT a hill-runner!  I avoid hills like the plague. But let's face it, I'm in Tennessee. So I was okay with the hills, and then came the WIND. It was about a 40 mph head wind and at times, I felt like I was running in place. My hat blew off my head a few times and I had to chase it down. It was a CRUEL wind!

I had read that the loop was closed to traffic on Wednesdays and Saturdays before 10:00 AM, so that runners and bikers could go without worry of getting hit by a car. When we got there, we discovered that it doesn't actually start until MAY, so we still had to worry about traffic. My parents ended up driving up a couple of miles ahead of us, and then when we reached them, we had a drink of water and kept running. Kind of like leap-frog.

A gorgeous view at 3.5 miles in... the pic doesn't do it justice

The hills were KILLER, and the wind was nearly impossible. And to top it off, it started raining at about mile 6.  I decided to keep going, because I'm stubborn, but then at mile 7 I could tell that Brian wasn't into it anymore. So I told him it's fine if we stop. We ran to my parents car at mile 7 and hopped in. I didn't get to do my long run like I'd hoped (12 miles) but with the hills + wind + rain, I think I paid my dues ;)

Running just before mile 7

We decided to call it quits during the pouring rain at mile 7

It was a GORGEOUS run at times, and I loved the view. I just wish the weather had been better, but I still enjoyed the run!

Turns out that later that day, Tennessee was hit with a lot of devastating tornadoes! We finished up just in time.

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Zip-lining!

I'm terrified of pretty much everything. Well, I guess that's an exaggeration, but I have bad anxiety about all kinds of things. Which is why it was surprising that it was MY suggestion we go zip-lining, but that was months ago when I was feeling a little brave. When it came down to it, I really wanted to back out, but we'd already paid $90 per person, and my husband and I don't exactly have a lot of money. So yesterday (Monday) was the big day.

We drove into Gatlinburg (OMG, downtown Gatlinburg was awful--SOOO touristy, and I'll never go again). The kids did one thing there (a ski lift-looking thing, up a mountain) and then we had lunch (Subway). I stopped at a little shop and bought a half-pound of peanut butter fudge (I know, I know! But it was worth it--DELICIOUS!)

Then my mom took the kids out for a while so the rest of us could zip-line. We used this company called CLIMB, and according to the reviews, it was fantastic.  We got there, met our guides who were very nice and fun, and we suited up (after stepping on a scale!! I didn't ask what I weighed, because I truly didn't want to know. I'm sure it was horrible).

Jerry and I suited up in our zip gear

We headed out and I was terrified. I had taken a couple of Xanax, but they weren't helping much. We climbed up to the first platform and I was third in line to go. My dad went first. Then Brian, my brother. Then it was my turn.

I had a hard time stepping off the platform, but finally I did it. And it was fun! It didn't go nearly as fast as I was picturing in my head, and it was very comfortable (kind of like a little seat). The guides give you signals if they want you to "ball up" (go faster) or "starfish" (go slower). Balling up is exactly what you think--you curl your legs to your chest and lean back a little. The starfish position is where you push your chest forward and stretch your legs out and open them a little.

We did 9 jumps total, and then from the last platform, we got to rappel down to the ground (fun!)  I had a BLAST and would definitely do it again. The guides we had were fantastic, and I'd recommend that company for anyone visiting near Gatlinburg.

Here are some pictures:

Just before my first go on the zip-line

The gorgeous scenery!

Jerry and me

My first landing... it was harder than it looks!

A "ball up"

The "starfish" position

I even attempted to go upside down :)

At the end, we had to rappel down... it was fun!

Jerry, Shawn, Jeanie, Brian, me, and my dad

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The hills of Tennessee

Well, we made it to Tennessee. We left on Friday morning at about 8:00, and drove straight through to Pigeon Forge (stopping for lunch at a Waffle House in Kentucky). The kids were pretty good in the car, surprisingly.

Our cabin is AMAZING. It's absolutely huge, and it sits right on top of a mountain. I'll overload you with pictures...

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My Hollywood 11-mile run

I realize that what I'm about to write about may make some (most?) of you roll your eyes. But drastic times call for drastic measures, and after a terrifying experience on the scale yesterday, I am officially in drastic times!  My weight has been on an upward trend the last couple of weeks, and that is NOT cool--I'm supposed to be LOSING weight.

I leave for vacation tomorrow, and I was just feeling really crappy about my weight, so I decided to do something a little drastic--I bought a bottle of the Hollywood 48-Hour Miracle Diet. Yes, laugh your ass off, I don't care.

It was on sale for $10, and I thought, "What can it hurt?" A juice fast for 2 days will drop a lot of this extra water weight I packed on the last few days. Now, I know that the H48-HMD is not magic... it is simply fruit juice. But if I'm paying $10 for a quart of this stuff, I'm much more likely to stick with it for the whole 2 days.

I normally don't do fad diets, but I know that I'll at least feel better about myself starting my vacation if I don't FEEL so fat.

Since I had this brilliant idea just yesterday, that meant today was going to be Day 1... and Thursdays are also my long run days. Which meant fueling an 11-mile run with just a cup of juice! However, I think all the crap I ate yesterday was still sitting in my digestive system, so I'm not too worried about it ;)  I actually felt pretty decent during my run (as decent as one can feel while running 11 miles). 

I parked at my friend Renee's house and ran out 5.5 miles, then turned around to head back. On the way back, I impulsively cut down a different street--aptly named "Hollywood". I actually hit a dead end(!!) which is NOT cool when you're on a long run. I didn't want to do a tenth of a mile more than I had to.

It ended up adding 0.13 miles to the run, so all-in-all, I ran 11.13. I got bad stomach cramps during mile 4, and I prayed they would go away quickly. They did. I kept my heart rate at around 156, and my pace was terrible. My pace just keeps getting slower week after week. Today my average ended up being 9:49/mi. I really need to start doing some speedwork every week.

I'm completely exhausted right now, but I still have to pack for vacation. I have a ton of laundry to do first, though. I just want to lie on the couch and recover! I'm actually starting to look forward to relaxing in Tennessee. I really don't feel like DOING much on vacation--just relaxing. I am going ziplining on Monday, and I'm kind of nervous about that. I'll see if I can get pictures to post.

I'm bringing my computer with me, because the cabin we are staying at has free wi-fi, so I'll and try and post there.

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Photo Food Log

Since I wrote a long entry earlier today, I'll just do my food log now... in photo form :)

BREAKFAST-

Coffee (x2) with half & half

Cookie Dough Smoothie/Oats

Lunch- 

1 cup Spicy Carrot Bisque, 1 slice toast with almond butter, and an apple with sea salt

Afternoon Snack-

Homemade hummus with carrots and celery

Dinner-

My dinner was SO good! I made omelets (for the whole family I used 4 whole eggs and about 1 1/2 cups egg whites). We stuffed them with a black bean + salsa combo (hot), cheddar cheese, and guacamole. And we had broiled asparagus on the side. I was SO full after eating this--the omelet was huge!

Omelet with cheddar cheese, black beans + salsa, and guacamole, and asparagus on the side.

Nighttime Snack-

I bought some medjool dates from Sam's Club... Holy shit! What have I been missing?! These things are SOOO good. I had 1 medjool date and a handful of pistachios.

Medjool date and pistachios

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Sugar will be the death of me

It started so innocently. I was doing GREAT on this no-sugar thing, and feeling really good; not having many cravings. For a snack, I quartered an apple, spread with natural peanut butter, and topped with granola. As soon as I was done with it, I instantly wanted something else--something sweet. I hadn't had a thought like that since before I gave up sugar, so I thought it was weird. Then it hit me.

KATIE, YOU'RE AN IDIOT--THERE WAS SUGAR IN THE GRANOLA! (Duh!)

The whole time I was preparing my snack, then eating it, it never even crossed my mind. It's funny that it had such an effect on my cravings, too--I instantly was craving something sweet after eating the granola. And then, being the all-or-nothing person I am, I decided "What the hell... might as well eat sweets today."  I had a (large) Reese blizzard from an ice cream shop, and then I made cookie dough and ate way too much of it.

I was SO TIRED afterward. I went to bed at 10ish. At around 11:15, I woke up and I was sweating horribly. My heart was racing so fast and hard. I stood up to get some water and got really nauseous and hot. Exactly how I felt before I fainted in November. I hurriedly got some water then went back to bed to lie down in case I actually fainted. It was like I could FEEL the sugar rushing through my veins. I woke up my husband and told him I thought I was going to die from an overdose of sugar. It sounds ridiculous, but I honestly FELT like that. It was awful!

I couldn't sleep at all after that. I so badly wanted that sugar out of my system. You know how when you're drunk and ready to go to bed, how you just feel so sick and you want the alcohol OUT of you?? (Again, maybe that's just me! lol)  That's how I felt about the sugar.

So I'm back to total detox mode--no sugar whatsoever. I'm terrified that sugar is going to kill me one day.

Anyways. I was NOT HAPPY to find THIS when I looked out the window yesterday:

Snow!! In mid-April!  I had a 5-mile run scheduled, and decided to do it on the dreadmill. I HATE the dreadmill (obviously, since I've renamed it 'dreadmill' from 'treadmill'). It is so boring! After 3 miles, I called it quits.

Today, I am supposed to do 5 miles again--and it's cold and rainy. I'm hoping it clears up by this afternoon, so I can do it then. We leave for Tennessee on Friday--we're vacationing there with my parents, my sister, and my two brothers at a cabin in Pigeon Forge. I'm hoping to do as little running as possible in the hills of TN, but if the weather doesn't let me run much this week, then I'll be stuck doing it on vacation.

I tried a new oatmeal recipe this morning. I modified this recipe a little. It had me at "cookie dough for breakfast"  :)  Instead of using stevia, however, I threw 3 dates in the food processor with the oats. I'm not a fan of stevia.

I omitted the nutritional yeast (don't have any) and the cinnamon (I don't like cinnamon + chocolate together), and I used 1/2 ounce Baker's unsweetened chocolate. The whole concoction was pretty good! If you make it expecting it to taste like actual cookie dough, it doesn't. But it's pretty good, and has a doughy taste.

I'll probably update later with a food log. I really ought to do it EVERY day, to hold myself accountable.

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Wool coats, Legos, and sexual favors

I made it through two more days without refined sugar. I'm really surprised how easy this has been for me so far. I'm a HUGE sugar addict (literally--I can't stress that enough!) but I haven't been craving it much in the three days that I've gone without it. I think it might be BECAUSE I haven't had any sugar that I'm not craving it. Ever notice how when you eat a cookie or something sweet that you suddenly have a ravenous appetite for more sweets?

Or maybe that's just me.

Well, anyway, I haven't had many cravings. I haven't been counting calories, but I haven't been pigging out either. I don't know if I mentioned this, but I'm not eating artificial sweeteners, either. I've never liked them, and I don't plan to keep trying them until I do, so I just have been curbing my sweet tooth with fruit. I have to be careful with the dried fruit though--dates and prunes especially. I could eat a ton of them in one sitting.

I went garage saleing (I know that's not a word, but that's what I call it!) today with my mom and aunt. There was a city wide sale. I bought a bunch of shirts and two wool coats. I've always wanted to own a wool coat, but I've never wanted to spend the money on them because I was "too fat" and I was "going to lose the weight". 

I actually went about three years without a winter coat at all! So today, I saw a cute black wool coat from American Eagle for $3 in a size small. Yay! Then at the very next sale, I saw a cute gray wool coat from American Eagle for $3 in a size small. Seriously?!  So I had to buy that one, too. The gray one looks brand new, but the black one needs to be dry cleaned. It'll probably cost more to clean than it was to buy the coat!

My kids went out to a few sales with my dad, and Eli (my 5-year old) found a big box of Legos. My dad asked how much, and the guy said $2. If you've ever bought Legos, you know that is a STEAL. They are boxed sets of Harry Potter Legos--and because I wanted to see JUST how much my dad robbed this guy of, I looked up the prices when Eli brought them home. The value of all the Legos he got for $2?  Yeah, they're $185 if you buy them at Wal-Mart! It's disgusting how much Legos cost.

I spent the whole afternoon helping Eli put them together. I'm probably a total freak for this, but I LOVE following instructions and putting things together. Anytime we buy something that has to be assembled, I get all excited.

Right now, I'm sitting here blogging while my poor husband cleans the house that I neglected all day while putting together Legos. I told him I'd trade him a sexual favor or two in return for his cleaning. He happily agreed. Is that horrible of me?  I think not, because we both win this way!  ;)

I added a Recipe page to my blog. I spent a good two hours TRYING to put links at the top of the page to jump down to the recipe you're looking for, but they just wouldn't work. Or I'd get them to work, and then edit something else and they'd stop working. GRR! Hopefully someday I'll figure out a better way to navigate recipes.  I also added a bunch of new stuff to my About Me page.

My food log for yesterday:

Breakfast-
Grape-Nuts with almond milk and blueberries
coffee with cream

Lunch-
toast with peanut butter
pear with cinnamon
Spicy Carrot Bisque (recipe is up on the Recipe page)

Spicy Carrot Bisque

Dinner-
2 slices homemade pizza
handful of grapes

Snacks-
hummus with veggies (my hummus recipe is up too)
pretzels
prunes
almonds
grapes

Exercise-
Ran 5 miles

And today's food log:

Breakfast-
Green Monster
coffee with cream

Lunch-  (this lunch keeps me so full until about 4 PM... love that!)
toast with cashew butter
grapes
Spicy Carrot Bisque

Dinner-
Meatball Soup

Snacks-
hummus with veggies
I'll probably have one more snack today, probably pretzels or a banana

Exercise-
none scheduled

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